Living together before marriage - good or bad thing?

[Londongirl1]

Well.... according to a recent study of 1000 married couples by a US psychologist, couples who live separately before getting engaged or married are more likely to have a lasting marriage.

I''m interested to know whether any PSers have made a decision not to live with your partner until after the ''big day'' and do you think it made (or will make) your marriage better?

 

[Lauren8211]

I''ve always hated that statistic. I''m pretty sure those who are more likely to live-in-sin are also more likely to divorce. Do they take into account marital happiness?

I lived with my FI for over 2 years before we got engaged, and we moved in together a year into our relationship. We are extremely happy, and we work hard at our relationship, and we''ve definitely learned the fine art of compromise in our time living together.

 

[princessplease]

I'm not married yet, but FI and I live together currently, and we have since last October.

I feel as though it really has showed each other how we live. Granted, there are one or two little things that FI does that are bothersome (leaving dishes in the sink, for one), but nothing that pushes me over the edge or causes fights. We get along wonderfully, and have since the first day we moved in together. I never had any doubts that I would marry FI, and the timing was right, so we decided to move in together. I love coming home and knowing that FI will be there when I get home. It's been almost a year, and it's going absolutely awesome.

Living together now will not affect our marriage at all. Right now, it's like we're married without the actual marriage part. When we get married, the only difference from now until then will be that FI will be my hubby.

 

[ilovesparkles]

I used to let that statistic bother me, but then when I grew up, I realized all statistics are skewed some how and it really depends on the work you put into the marriage. There are a lot of outside factors not consider with this blind statistic, those who believe in the statistic will often list some of the following beliefs/reasons:
- People who live together prior to marriage have less invested in a long lasting marriage. They easily move in together and they can easily move out and end the relationship.
- People who wait to live together follow stricter religious values and therefore will stick it out through the tough times rather than getting a divorce.
- Those who get married after living together are often forced into marriage or given an ultimatum "marry me or I am leaving", one of the spouses ends up leaving eventually anyways.

I no longer live by my fear of this statistic for several of my own personal reasons. I know FI and I are made for each other and we have a love made to last through the ages. After living 6 hours from each other for the first year, we are dying to live side by side. I know too many couples that are blind sided by things they would otherwise know had they lived together before marriage. H and I know it will be a great deal of work adjusting, but we are looking forward to it. Our communication skills have really been refined during our time together, since we don''t get to see each other daily, weekly, and sometimes monthly. The two of us rely on our communication for joyous and upsetting situations, and we have made it through several together. We can talk through everything, big and small. Mostly, we are just those people, and we want to share a household together as soon as possible!

 

[MakingTheGrade]

Deciding to live with my fiance was the easiest decision ever. We dated for about 2 years before moving in together because it made so much sense. It was a good move financially, made us both happier, there was no downside. It was a little awkward to tell our folks, but other than that, it's been fantastic, definitely no regrets.

I don't buy into statistics like those that have so many confounding factors. At best there's a correlation, there's absolutely no proof of causation. I'll buy into it when they do a randomized control trial

 

[princesss]

Where''s Freke? I know she''s got the skinny on this. Or maybe it was Musey...

Basically, I think another result from that study (or one like it) is that while those that do not live together before engagement/marriage have a lower divorce rate, after 10 years into the marriage the couples that chose to live together as a logical step in their relationship (not just because it was easy, not because it was cheaper, and not as a "test run") reported higher levels of satisfaction in their relationship than any other group.

One thing you have to take into account is that often couples that do not live together do so out of religious conviction, which is also a reason that couples refuse to divorce even when they are no longer happy in their marriage. So there are a lot of hidden variables in this study and studies like these that need to be taken into account but are not addressed by the popular media.

Basically, each couple needs to decide what is right for them.

 

[Patchee]

I am not about statistics at all. If your marriage is going to fail, it''s going to fail whether you live with your boyfriend before marriage or not.

I''ve lived with my husband for 5 years, we''ve been married for 4 days.

I would have never "known" him like I do had we not moved in together before marriage,

 

[LitigatorChick]

With my first marriage, we didn''t live together before we got married. We very much just "dated" - saw each other a few times a week to hang out/go out. Never experienced "life" together. Then we got married and kaboom - we were not a match. For that and numerous other reasons, we are separated.

My FF and I basically moved in together immediately. We met, talked like crazy, my BF dumped me, FF took me out for supper and kissed me, and he never left. Seriously. Since that first date, he spent 1 night at his place. We just can''t be apart from each other. So we have done all the "life" stuff together and know that we mesh in everything. Our chemistry is undeniable.

So I don''t think it is a bad idea.

 

[rhbgirl24]

Fiance and I have lived together for the past 5 years. I think it is MUCH smarter to live together first. Dating and living together and two completely separate things. I think you need to make sure its going to work BEFORE you get married.

 

[KimberlyH]

My husband and I didn''t live together before marriage. Our reasons weren''t religious based. We were long distance for a year before I moved to the same city as him, and neither of us thought it would be a good idea to go from living 600 miles apart to the same house. We were engaged about 6 months after I moved and married 8 months later, we figured at that point there was no reason to change our living situation as we''d been living apart all of our relationship so we may as well just wait until we were married. The first year of marriage/living together was hard for me (he adjusted very well) and I''m glad we waited because having already said my vows meant I couldn''t just reverse run screaming out the door with my stuff.

I think we would have been fine either way, but I wouldn''t change how we did things. I also don''t think living together means that a relationship is doomed, too many other factors involved for it to come down to just that.

 

[Londongirl1]

Date: 7/16/2009 9:29:02 AM
Author: Patchee
I am not about statistics at all. If your marriage is going to fail, it''s going to fail whether you live with your boyfriend before marriage or not.

I''ve lived with my husband for 5 years, we''ve been married for 4 days.

I would have never ''known'' him like I do had we not moved in together before marriage,

Thanks for all your replies.

Ordinarilly I would agree with you Patchee but after reading today about yet another study I just wondered whether there was any truth in the benefit of not ''living in sin'' or whether it''s better to ''try before you buy'' and live together first. I guess everyone''s different so what works for some, won''t work for others

 

[Bia]

I don''t think living together will make your relationship more likely to fail--there are too many factors. I do think it is easier for a couple to get comfortable when they live together--which can lead to a delay in the engagement. However, that strictly depends on the couple. If marriage (or your spouse) isn''t a priority for you, you''re not going to get married, or stay married. I think the fact that you lived together prior is irrelevant. A ton of marriages fail under each scenario.

 

[marlie]

i''ve been with now FI for 12 years...lived together for 4...engaged for 1.5 months. I think it just keeps getting better every step we take. Of course, I can''t speak for our marriage yet but i imagine I''ll keep feeling that way.

for us, it worked and i think living together was the best move we made. i think it''s a personal decision. it''d be a different situation for every couple.

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

We have been living together for over a year and engaged for 5 months and i am glad that we have done this before getting married because now i know what i am getting myself into.

 

[Lilac]

I didn''t live with DH before we got married, but that was mainly because of religious reasons. We did spend almost all our time together outside of school and work though (and actually for about a year we were in school together so we drove there together, went to some classes together, ate lunch together, and drove home together and then spent the rest of the afternoon together for that whole year

). The other years we dated DH would come over in the morning to say good morning to me and spent a few minutes with me before going to work, and then after work he came to see me and stayed at my house till around midnight every night when he went home just to go to sleep. We almost felt like we lived together because basically the only time we were apart was when we were at work/school or when we were sleeping.

I do think DH and I would have lived together very soon after starting to date if it weren''t for our religion and families. However, not living together made getting married all the more special - I used to cry when he had to go home to go to sleep, so when we got married and we could cuddle all night and neither of us had to leave it was (and still is) so special to me because I was so used to having to say goodbye.

I learned in a family relations class once about this statistic that people who live together before marriage have a higher chance of divorce, but to me I think there must be other variables in there. I don''t think living together before marriage would really impact how long the marriage would last - if anything, I would assume spending a ton of time together or living together would make it last longer.

 

[meresal]

FI and I have been together for 3 years... lived together for a little over 2, and engaged for almost a year.

My personal opinion.... "Living together before marriage: Good or Great?!"

I think that there is a completely different communication level that you have to have when you live together, and I'm glad that we have figured that out before being married.


Statistics are what you make them. You can rearrange numbers in any way you want to prove your own point. It's like Harry Carry saying that the Cubs are the #1 team in winning games after being down by 5 or more runs before the 4th inning. We'll who is #1 when you're down by 5 or more runs before the 5 or 6th innings??? Statistics are stupid without full disclosure.

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

Just a side thought... this study was of 1000 couples.... there were approximately 2.2 MILLION weddings in the US alone in 2006. It''s not exactly a very good representation of a population IMO

 

[lulu]

So, this begs the question. Why get married at all if not for religious reasons? This is something I"m curious about. Not just for those who cohabit before, but everyone planning a marriage.

 

[Dannielle]

My Father took my Mother out on one date, Stayed the night and never left. They were blissfully happy for 25 years until she passed away in 2001..

I think that as people have said before, some people jump into relationships alot quicker than others and then they jump out just as quick.. but there are always exceptions to the rule

 

[Black Jade]

Didn''t live with my husband before I married him. This was a long ago, 31 years since we met, but although many seem to forget, living together was already very common then. I am religious now, but when we met I wasn''t at all religious. In fact, I was an atheist. I really saw no reason not to live with him, except that I didn''t want to make my parents unhappy (they would have been seriously hurt). Most of my friends were doing the live together thing, and saying all the same things that people in this thread have said--it''s a personal choice; it''s better to know more about the person; it doesn''t hurt anyone else, etc. etc.
My parents really didn''t have anything coherent to say as to why NOT to do--at least not that I was capable of hearing. When you are young and in love and your hormones are tearing away, you tend to dismiss things that other people say, especially older people who you think are old-fashioned and don''t remember or understand how you feel, and young people ALWAYS think times have changed and that they just know a better way.

Anyway, me and the love of my life didn''t live together, because of this parental pressure and I am SO glad we didn''t. 31 years later I have just seen so much mess from living together and from having sex before marriage in general. From what I have seen and from talking to people, friends of mine that marriage didn''t work out for (and there are plenty of them); young people I have taught in school and younger married women I have worked with in Bible study groups in church, several things happen from living together, emotionally, that women do not get over easily and which then affect their marriage and sex lives. the first thing is that it is perfectly true that a majority of living together relationships don''t lead to marriage. Some do (and of course everyone thinks that their''s will) but the majority don''t. Generally speaking, the man goes into the living together relationship with the idea of,'' well, I like her and now we can have sex'' and that''s as far as he''s thinking, because that''s how men are, very much in the moment--but the WOMAN is usually thinking of it as a step towards marriage, because that''s how women are, we want security. When it turns out NOT to have been a step towards marriage, if the woman stays in love with the man, she is devastated--and then puts up emotional blocks to avoid that kind of hurt again, which are going to hurt her chances of good intimacy when she does get married. Sometimes it turns out that the woman sees pretty clearly, after a shorter or longer time, that she''s not actually in love with the man, and that he''s not terribly good marriage material--and a great deal of the time stays in the relationship ANYWAY, because (this shouldn''t be a big surprise but to a lot of people it is), women bond on some level with men that they''ve slept with, and she hopes it will work out, and hopes and hopes--and then it gets to the point where she''s getting older, and has invested a lot of time in this guy and doesn''t want to have to start over, from scratch--you get the idea.

And even in the best case, when it IS working out and does lead towards marriage, the woman feels insecure and on edge until it does. She is very aware that the guy has promised her NOTHING. She is trying to think how modern and liberated she is and that she actually doesn''t need such a promise, but she knows that, unlike a man, she has a certain timetable and window of opportunity during which she''s at her most attractive (and most fertile, although she may not think consciously, most women do want kids at some point) and she''s on edge. And women do not function at their best in physical relationships while on edge. And then, when they do marry, she has still has this I-can''t-quite-trust-him feeling, and very often, it plays hell with their sex life, especially once they get past that we''re-really-hot-for-each-other period, which lasts at most seven years. AFter that, there has to be a lot of trust and lot of good feeling about the guy to want to keep going, especially in the light of having children, if you''ve gotten married, job, other commitments. A lot of married women nowadays, it''s a little dirty secret that''s not much aired--don''t really like sex. And when you talk to them in private about it, a lot of it goes back, to having put out so much for a guy who wasn''t making them feel secure and not giving them anything before marriage, they''re still angry about it. Plus, for a lot of them, they have a bunch of men in their pasts besides the one that they ended up marrying, and that doesn''t help with your intimate life either. The fact is, that if you start having sex say, at 16, and don''t get married until you''re 31 or even 29, there tend to be a certain amount of past lovers and I don''t know which is worse for women emotionally, one night stands where you just felt totally used, or long-term relationships where you really gave your heart and started to trust and got trashed. There''s a lot of bitterness. Very often, it gets turned towards the husband in either spoken or unspoken, conscious or unconscious ways.

Marriage nowadays doesn''t offer the security for women that it SHOULD (and used to)--what with no-fault divorce and the devaluation of a woman''s contribution to society as a mother and a whole host of other things, modern women have the feeling that they need to look out for themselves because nobody else is going to, and certainly not a MAN. But marriage still offers some securities that living together doesn''t. My husband watches those ''judge'' shows on tv in the afternoon sometmes when he doesn''t have to work and 75-80% of them seem to be couples who lived together, in the middle of a break-up and its worse than a married break-up, because they entwined their finances and property thoroughly together and there''s no organized way to decide who gets what and nobody knows who really promised what, and not even speaking of the emotions, just splitting the property part is hell. Of course, it''s hell in a divorce too, but you have little more recourse then, some states still have laws that enforce a split that might be a little more fair.

Well, I''ve gone a long time, and probably most people haven''t even read to the end of this email, and those that have are going to do what they want to do. If you don''t want to pay attention to statistics on living together being problematic, you certainly are not going to consider anything I have to say. But I jsut wanted to say what I have seen. It''s a poor idea. There are people who think they have gotten away with it (though I''d like to talk to them in 20 years) but it''s still a poor idea. You should value yourself enough not to do this and be brave enough to think that someone MIGHT want to marry you even if you didn''t give them everything they want before marriage. I''ve been to several weddings recently where they haven''t lived together, so it does and can happen.

One last thing--living together spoils all the romance that women (not-so-secretly) yearn for. You get cheated of some important things and end up trying to patch up something that looks similar but isn''t the same. I will blasted totally for saying this, but I see a lot of this on this board. You live together, and you''re sharing all the finances and you decide to get married, and the girl is DESPERATE for some romance in all of this, so demands a ''surprise'' proposal. She knows the ring is in the top drawer on the left hand side! She picked it out herself, a lot of the time. She either paid for some of it, or it was their community money, half-earned by her, which allowed the guy to get it. sometimes she''s even peeking at the ring before the proposal and trying it on, and definitely, she''s on this board everyday asking the other LIW why he''s making her wait so long for the so-called ''surprise''. Which he had better make seem just like a romantic movie, to make up for the fact that''s not romantic AT ALL. I even saw a thread in the last couple of days where live-in couples were trying to not sleep with each other for a month or two months jsut before the wedding, so that their wedding night would seem at least a little exciting after years and years together. It made me SO sad. I don''t think this bodes well at all for a happy sex life way into their old age, like many couples I know who did wait and who didn''t live together now have.

Just my 2 cents.
''

 

[princesss]

Date: 7/16/2009 10:41:00 AM
Author: lulu
So, this begs the question. Why get married at all if not for religious reasons? This is something I''m curious about. Not just for those who cohabit before, but everyone planning a marriage.

Well, it makes moving overseas easier if you''re married. If we''re just living together there are some countries we couldn''t move to together. I like the idea of being legally bound to one person, and declaring before friends and family that we promise to be together. As long as one of us is employed with benefits, we''d have health insurance. If either of us was in a coma, the other could make major medical decisions. Heck, if either of us was in a coma, the other would actually get to visit! Adopting a child would be easier, and with two incomes it''s a lot easier to save money. So there are a lot of benefits to getting married, with or without seeing it as a covenant between the two of you and God.

 

[princesss]

Interesting post, as always, Black Jade. I would be interested to hear where you''re getting some of the data on women still not feeling they can trust their partners after marriage just because they lived together and were on edge. Have you read it somewhere or is it just anecdotal evidence and your own conclusions? I''m really interested in things like this because I think often people just do the best that they can with what they''ve got, and relationships depend so much on the personalities of the people in them and their own backgrounds that I think it''s hard to make across the board statements.

I''m really not trying to be snarky, so I apologize if this is coming out that way, I just genuinely want to see what you''re seeing. I think you made several good points, so I''d like to know if there is something I can read or if it''ll just take a few more years of observing different couples and talking to them. (I''m young and impatient, lol, and like to know things like this before I make major decisions instead of looking backwards and saying, "I should have done x.")

 

[lulu]

I think Black Jade makes some good points. I have also sensed a lot of desperation in women who are living together and waiting for a real commitment with the ring.

 

[meresal]

Here's a statistic for you.

I have 3 sisters, all married. Oldest lived with her husband before hand and albeit there a little odd, they have been happily married since 89. Just celebrated 20 yrs last week. Second oldest didn't live together, got married in 97, and were divorced within 4 years. She remarried last year to a great guy that we all love. Last one got married in 2000, didn't live together or sleep with eachother, and they have almost split at least 2 times.

Every relationship is different. You make what you want of it. If you wake up each day and CHOOSE to love your spouse every morning, and CHOOSE to love them all day, and CHOOSE to love them before falling asleep at night, then you will have a successful relationship. It doesn't matter if you lived together or not, it matters what you and your spouse CHOOSE to do when problems arise.
You can't force your spouse to choose, you just have to trust that they will uphold their vows every day of your lives. If they choose not to, or you choose not to, then the relationship ends. I don't believe it has anything to do with living together, it has to do with passion and happiness. You either choose to have it or you don't.

 

[LitigatorChick]

I can just speak from my personal experience - nothing more. I read all of Black Jade''s post with interest. Here are my thoughts:

- A lot of women love sex more than perhaps they are willing to admit. I generally have a higher sex drive than most men and love it. LOVE!!!
- That said, despite my BF living together and sleeping in the same bed, we are trying to wait until marriage. That is very hard. It was his choice for religious reasons, and I respect it. It has shown me a respect and a restraint that I value. It shows me that he is here for me and not just for sex. And with a ring hidden in the house and ready to hit my finger soon, it shows me his sincerity and commitment.
- This said, I am older (32) and my BF is 37. We have had plenty of sex and relationships in our past and know the drill.
- Finally, we didn''t intend to live together - it just "happened". What do I mean by that - we had such chemistry, such connection, that it was undeniable. I never believed in the "one" before BF, but I do now. I am truly the luckiest girl ever. He is my dream and I am his. We are the missing pieces of each other. He has my heart, and I can''t sleep without his heart beating next to mine. That is how I know he is my forever.

Ok, I doubt that addresses any of the issues, but just a few of my thoughts coming out of the post!!!

 

[LitigatorChick]

Date: 7/16/2009 11:16:32 AM
Author: meresal
Here''s a statistic for you.


I have 3 sisters, all married. Oldest lived with her husband before hand and albeit there a little odd, they have been happily married since 89. Just celebrated 20 yrs last week. Second oldest didn''t live together, got married in 97, and were divorced within 4 years. She remarried last year to a great guy that we all love. Last one got married in 2000, didn''t live together or sleep with eachother, and they have almost split at least 2 times.


Every relationship is different. You make what you want of it. If you wake up each day and CHOOSE to love your spouse every morning, and CHOOSE to love them all day, and CHOOSE to love them before falling asleep at night, then you will have a successful relationship. It doesn''t matter if you lived together or not, it matters what you and your spouse CHOOSE to do when problems arise.

You can''t force your spouse to choose, you just have to trust that they will uphold their vows every day of your lives. If they choose not to, or you choose not to, then the relationship ends. I don''t believe it has anything to do with living together, it has to do with passion and happiness. You either choose to have it or you don''t.

I agree entirely. Love is a choice - although I feel emotionally connected and romantically inclined to my BF, there are times when he is annoying the shit out of me, and I CHOOSE to love him my finding his goodness, treating him with respect and providing patience.

 

[princesss]

Date: 7/16/2009 11:16:32 AM
Author: meresal
Here''s a statistic for you.

I have 3 sisters, all married. Oldest lived with her husband before hand and albeit there a little odd, they have been happily married since 89. Just celebrated 20 yrs last week. Second oldest didn''t live together, got married in 97, and were divorced within 4 years. She remarried last year to a great guy that we all love. Last one got married in 2000, didn''t live together or sleep with eachother, and they have almost split at least 2 times.

Every relationship is different. You make what you want of it. If you wake up each day and CHOOSE to love your spouse every morning, and CHOOSE to love them all day, and CHOOSE to love them before falling asleep at night, then you will have a successful relationship. It doesn''t matter if you lived together or not, it matters what you and your spouse CHOOSE to do when problems arise.
You can''t force your spouse to choose, you just have to trust that they will uphold their vows every day of your lives. If they choose not to, or you choose not to, then the relationship ends. I don''t believe it has anything to do with living together, it has to do with passion and happiness. You either choose to have it or you don''t.

Love this post, Meresal.

 

[LilyKat]

I'm not going to live with anyone before I get married, quite simply because I don't want to, and know it's the right decision for me. It's a personal decision. I would never tell someone else what to do, but equally, I don't appreciate being told that I "should" live with someone before marriage against my wishes (yes, I have been told that - it seems it's become so much the norm that it's weird not to).

I think people should be allowed to do what is right for them, whether that means living together or not. I don't really care about statistics.

 

[MakingTheGrade]

Date: 7/16/2009 10:41:00 AM
Author: lulu
So, this begs the question. Why get married at all if not for religious reasons? This is something I'm curious about. Not just for those who cohabit before, but everyone planning a marriage.

There are certainly nice legal perks involved.

Even if I personally am not religious, society in general has certain expectations, and it's just often easier to go with it than not (especially if you have no objection to marriage). Personally I wouldn't mind people raising their eyebrows at me, but when I have kids, I don't want to make things unnecessarily complicated for them. And even though I'm atheist, my fiance and his family is not, so even if it's not for your own religious reasons, people may choose to marry for the sake of their family and cultural heritage.

Oh, and don't forget the fun stuff like the dresses and gifts and stuff! There are a lot of women who look forward to having "their day", regardless of whether or not they are religious.

In terms of living together, I think it's every individual couple's responsibility to make the decision that's best for them. I broke all the "dating rules" with my fiance. I made the (very aggressive) first move, we were just "friends with benefits" for a few months before we decided to commit to dating exclusively, I said "I Love you" first, we've lived together for 2 years before marriage, etc. It worked for us, even though it doesn't work for most. So I think generalizations like "living before marriage is bad" can make for a fun article to read, but may or may not have any application to your personal relationship.

 

[princesss]

Date: 7/16/2009 11:28:41 AM
Author: LilyKat
I''m not going to live with anyone before I get married, because I don''t want to, and know it''s the right decision for me. It''s a personal decision. I would never tell someone else what to do, but equally, I don''t appreciate being told that I ''should'' live with someone before marriage against my wishes (yes, I have been told that - it seems it''s become so much the norm that it''s weird not to).

I think people should be allowed to do what is right for them, whether that means living together or not. I don''t really care about statistics.

I hope you told them where to shove it!