Etiquette Master Women, come here!

[JulieN]

How would you respond to a wedding if you were given the invitation by the groom, which is jointly hosted by the couple's parents? The mailing address on the invitation is the home of the couple.

Also, the reception is a few hours after the ceremony and in another location. The invitation was to the reception, with a card enclosed for the ceremony. How to let them know I'll be at both...?

Miss Julie N accepts with pleasure
the kind invitation of

Miss Bride and Mr Groom
OR
Mr and Mrs Bride's Parents
and
Mr and Mrs Groom's Parents

for Saturday, the fourteenth of May

at two o'clock in the afternoon
OR
at six o'clock in the evening
OR
at two o'clock in the afternoon
and afterward
at six o'clock in the evening

 

[vc10um]

So, let me see if I understand you.

You received an invitation to a wedding RECEPTION. With the invitation to the ceremony as an ENCLOSURE card and there was no RSVP card given? Does it even tell you with whom you are suppose to RSVP?!

Oy.

Regardless, if there was no RSVP enclosure card, I was would just send a note to the couple, since it's their address on the invite, saying: "Miss Julie N accepts with pleasure the invitations to both the ceremony and reception. Warm regards, Julie N"

Since they essentially threw what I understand to be traditional etiquette out the window with their invite, I think that's a perfectly acceptable response.

 

[sillyberry]

vc's a more cultured person than I am. I would just call either the bride or groom, whomever I am closer with, and say "huh?"

Otherwise, I think her suggestion is perfectly acceptable.

 

[Haven]

So, let me see if I understand you.

You received an invitation to a wedding RECEPTION. With the invitation to the ceremony as an ENCLOSURE card and there was no RSVP card given? Does it even tell you with whom you are suppose to RSVP?!

Oy.

Regardless, if there was no RSVP enclosure card, I was would just send a note to the couple, since it's their address on the invite, saying: "Miss Julie N accepts with pleasure the invitations to both the ceremony and reception. Warm regards, Julie N"

Since they essentially threw what I understand to be traditional etiquette out the window with their invite, I think that's a perfectly acceptable response.

Ooh, this is a perfect opportunity to highlight just how varied different social circles' perspectives are of etiquette. I'm going to discuss traditional, polite American society etiquette standards for a minute, as that is from where most etiquette guides take their cue.

Traditional etiquette does not warrant the use of a response card.

The use of response cards began with business-related social events, and it somehow seeped into social affairs with the passing of time. We did not send response cards to *my* family and friends, because they know how to properly respond to a formal invitation. We did, however, send them to my husband's family and friends because he felt they were unfamiliar with such a practice, and wouldn't know how to respond. (It was quite the scandal, this whole response card dilemma. )

Some etiquette mavens, such as Emily Post (well, it's Peggy Post, now) now include instructions on response cards in their guides because they have become so widely used by mainstream middle-class American society. Very traditional circles, however, do not use response cards. Judith Martin (AKA Miss Manners), for example, doesn't fully condone their use, as she is a more traditional etiquette guide.

ANYWAY, I would write:

Miss Julie N accepts with pleasure
the kind invitation of

Miss Bride and Mr Groom
OR
Mr and Mrs Bride's Parents
and
Mr and Mrs Groom's Parents
(Does the invite list the couple AND both sets of parents? If so, I would simply write Miss Bride and Mr Groom since they included their own address on the invitation. That is such a strange invitation, if that's the case!)

for Saturday, the fourteenth of May

at two o'clock in the afternoon
and afterward
at six o'clock in the evening

 

[vc10um]

So, let me see if I understand you.

You received an invitation to a wedding RECEPTION. With the invitation to the ceremony as an ENCLOSURE card and there was no RSVP card given? Does it even tell you with whom you are suppose to RSVP?!

Oy.

Regardless, if there was no RSVP enclosure card, I was would just send a note to the couple, since it's their address on the invite, saying: "Miss Julie N accepts with pleasure the invitations to both the ceremony and reception. Warm regards, Julie N"

Since they essentially threw what I understand to be traditional etiquette out the window with their invite, I think that's a perfectly acceptable response.

Ooh, this is a perfect opportunity to highlight just how varied different social circles' perspectives are of etiquette. I'm going to discuss traditional, polite American society etiquette standards for a minute, as that is from where most etiquette guides take their cue.

Traditional etiquette does not warrant the use of a response card.

The use of response cards began with business-related social events, and it somehow seeped into social affairs with the passing of time. We did not send response cards to *my* family and friends, because they know how to properly respond to a formal invitation. We did, however, send them to my husband's family and friends because he felt they were unfamiliar with such a practice, and wouldn't know how to respond. (It was quite the scandal, this whole response card dilemma. )

Some etiquette mavens, such as Emily Post (well, it's Peggy Post, now) now include instructions on response cards in their guides because they have become so widely used by mainstream middle-class American society. Very traditional circles, however, do not use response cards. Judith Martin (AKA Miss Manners), for example, doesn't fully condone their use, as she is a more traditional etiquette guide.

ANYWAY, I would write:

Miss Julie N accepts with pleasure
the kind invitation of

Miss Bride and Mr Groom
OR
Mr and Mrs Bride's Parents
and
Mr and Mrs Groom's Parents
(Does the invite list the couple AND both sets of parents? If so, I would simply write Miss Bride and Mr Groom since they included their own address on the invitation. That is such a strange invitation, if that's the case!)

for Saturday, the fourteenth of May

at two o'clock in the afternoon
and afterward
at six o'clock in the evening

I stand corrected!

(But this is why I covered my rear end with "as I understand it"!!!)

(So much for "more cultured", huh, SB?!?)

 

[sillyberry]

Haven, I was waiting for this.

I must be firmly middle-class (said with no sarcasm whatsoever) because I have yet to receive an invitation without a reply card. I'm not sure anyone in any of the various social circles I run in (and they range from very well-to-do to fairly trashy) nowadays would think to not include a reply card. The only question is whether they spring for the stamp.

But this is a discussion that's already happened and really isn't worth repeating.

Even leaving aside the matter of a reply card, the other elements are odd: the reception invitation with ceremony enclosure, the question of who is hosting, and the uncertainty of whom to send the reply.

However, since the ultimate goal is to let the relevant parties know you are attending, I think letting the B&G know by written reply is probably the best way to go. My guess from what you've said is that they're the ones tracking the guest list.

(and vc, you're still more cultured than I am. which might be like saying you're the Kim to my Khloe, but still)

 

[Haven]

No no no no no, VC! What I was really trying to say is that every circle has very different ideas of what "proper etiquette" means. Gah. I'm so bad at explaining these things sometimes.

I just got all excited for an opportunity to talk about the controversy surrounding response cards. Very exciting, my life, very exciting.

SB--Oh, I am so very firmly middle-class, myself. My family just happens to be so new to this country that I was raised with their version of "proper etiquette" which, surprisingly, mirrors Miss Judith Martin's. I suppose you could say we no longer have any of the social status, but we still cling to the mores of old.

I do agree that this particular invitation sounds very strange. My guess is that it's going to be one heck of a party--the reception did take pride of place, after all.

 

[sillyberry]

Haven, I'm just giving you a hard time. I actually always appreciate your take on etiquette, since you so clearly care deeply about it and are well-informed. The intersection of etiquette and practicality always fascinates me.

Miss Manners went to my alma mater. She might be my very favorite alumna.

Also - JulieN, sorry for rambling on your thread! I hope you got the information you needed!

 

[Haven]

I know, Barrister SB.
I always love talking about etiquette on here, but I find that I'm not very good at sharing information without it somehow being misconstrued as persnippity or lecture-y. I'll sometimes go back and read old posts and think I sound like such a snot, and that's really not my intention. I just wanna talk about social mores! I find them so fascinating and telling.

 

[vc10um]

No no no no no, VC! What I was really trying to say is that every circle has very different ideas of what "proper etiquette" means. Gah. I'm so bad at explaining these things sometimes.

I just got all excited for an opportunity to talk about the controversy surrounding response cards. Very exciting, my life, very exciting.

SB--Oh, I am so very firmly middle-class, myself. My family just happens to be so new to this country that I was raised with their version of "proper etiquette" which, surprisingly, mirrors Miss Judith Martin's. I suppose you could say we no longer have any of the social status, but we still cling to the mores of old.

I do agree that this particular invitation sounds very strange. My guess is that it's going to be one heck of a party--the reception did take pride of place, after all.

Oh Haven, no worries! I'm firmly with SB on this one! I love when you chime in and didn't take offense to your reply at all. Perhaps a emotie would have been more appropriate!

SB, I LOLed at the being the Kim to your Khloe!

JulieN...hope you got the answer(s) you were looking for! Sorry we overtook your sandbox! (And you'll have to come back and let us know if it was a really kickin' party...like Haven said...the party took pride of place!)

 

[mayerling]

We did not send response cards to *my* family and friends, because they know how to properly respond to a formal invitation.

So how do you properly respond to a formal invitation?

 

[JulieN]

No response card was enclosed, not even "RSVP" or "Please respond."

The invitation lists both sets of parents as the hosts, but not the children. I guess I would just feel weird about writing the parents' names in the acceptance since I don't actually know them? I guess it's a holdover from small-town days where everybody knows everyone else. I think I'm going with the couple's names, or simply omitting, less formally:

Miss Julie N accepts with pleasure for Saturday, May fourteenth...

 

[Haven]

Julie--Your updated response idea sounds perfect. The main concern is that they'll understand *who* is responding, and whether or not you'll be attending the wedding. As long as *someone* on the invitation gets that information, you're golden!

Mayerling--You can simply send a handwritten note to the host accepting or declining the invitation. Julie's original wording is just what I would use in such a response. Some people find it offensive when a response card isn't enclosed, and others (like all the wrinklies in my family ) find it offensive when a host encloses a response card because it assumes the guests are incapable of writing an adequate response on their own, addressing it, and mailing it to the correct place. You really can't win, can you?

VC--Oh good! Thank you. I learned a couple years ago that I was coming across as quite the stick-in-the-mud when someone was SHOCKED to learn that I had *gasp!* tattoos and (oh, the horror!) piercings. I went back and realized all my responses to etiquette inquiries were really poorly worded and did, in fact, make me sound like some elitist fuddy duddy. And I am nothing of the sort, thankyouverymuch. I am a tattooed public employee with a penchant for mixed martial arts and cheap wine.

 

[rosetta]

Grr.

I'm sure I'm going to spectacularly fail in invitation etiquette that will satisfy all my guests from 0 to 90, and from all corners of the world.

I've given up already. Response cards with thinly veiled threats of painful death for late response for all, hurrah!!

 

[Haven]

Rosetta--It is inevitable. That's why I think it's best to do what *you* prefer, and brace yourself for the backlash.

We had formal invitations, hand engraved, the whole nine. However, they were (GASP!) black with white engraving. The horror! The scandal! You would have thought I sent out miniature coffins as invites based on what all the wrinklies on my side were saying. Of course, DH's side thought the invites were beautiful, but couldn't help but criticize us for having engraved invitations. "What a waste!" "Who engraves invitations nowadays?"

And then I had the gall to wear green heels under my gown--if only my photographer had caught their faces when I lifted my skirt to show them off. Priceless.

You will never please everybody, so you might as well please yourselves.

 

[mayerling]

If there's no RSVP card, how do you let people know how many seats you've reserved for them?

 

[sillyberry]

If there's no RSVP card, how do you let people know how many seats you've reserved for them?

My reply cards don't list how many seats are reserved - it's just the people listed on the invitation..

 

[mayerling]

If there's no RSVP card, how do you let people know how many seats you've reserved for them?

My reply cards don't list how many seats are reserved - it's just the people listed on the invitation..

But what if the invitation was just a standard invitation with no people listed?

Example: Mr and Mrs Whatever invite you to the marriage of their daughter Jane Doe to Mr John Doe, on...

 

[OUpearlgirl]

If there's no RSVP card, how do you let people know how many seats you've reserved for them?

My reply cards don't list how many seats are reserved - it's just the people listed on the invitation..

But what if the invitation was just a standard invitation with no people listed?

Example: Mr and Mrs Whatever invite you to the marriage of their daughter Jane Doe to Mr John Doe, on...

Whoever is listed on the envelope-- if someone is not listed they aren't invited.

 

[sillyberry]

If there's no RSVP card, how do you let people know how many seats you've reserved for them?

My reply cards don't list how many seats are reserved - it's just the people listed on the invitation..

But what if the invitation was just a standard invitation with no people listed?

Example: Mr and Mrs Whatever invite you to the marriage of their daughter Jane Doe to Mr John Doe, on...

Whoever is listed on the envelope-- if someone is not listed they aren't invited.

That's what I meant. . Thanks for being more articulate, OU!