Single guests bringing... guests?

[diamondfan]

I am not trying to be non empathetic, but can you really control or worry about who might be sad or lonely or not able/want to go to an event solo? Can that really be something on the bride to be''s mind pertaining to all single guests who are not any type of relationship at the time? Versus you invite and have your delineations as you see fit (married or living together or engaged yes just casual dates no or whatever works for you) and let THEM decide if they want to attend as a solo? I have many times gone to things and not known a soul and had a blast. Most times, I do not hang exclusively with hubby anyway, I like certain people he is less fond of, and maybe he gravitates toward people he only sees at some events...so we mingle with each other very little anyway. I just think, it is your once in a lifetime (hopefully) day, and you can make it how you would like, be it based on feelings, space, or budgets. And invited guests have the right to not come, but to be adding in guests and such or to be deciding to attend someone''s wedding based on who you will know there just seems a bit selfish to me. I can easily find a reason not to attend certain events, but I just decide, hey, is the person important to me, and if so, I go and I enjoy myself as best as I can. Has EVERY event I attended solo been the best thing ever? No. But I am comfortable enough, whatever my preference might be, to say, I am cool with going and sharing the moment with them.

 

[zoebartlett]

Date: 8/13/2008 5:11:31 PM
Author: musey
Thanks, Zoe

I was starting to think I''d been raised by wolves for a minute, there!

Nah, but if you were, I would have been also, I suppose.

 

[tessari]

I have never planned a wedding before, but when my time comes I will definitely allow everyone to bring a guest and I would just not invite people at all if there''s no space for them and their plus one. Going to a wedding or any other event where you are all dressed up and there''s dancing etc. and not being able to bring a date just seems odd to me. I would be so very deeply offended if my friend told me I couldn''t bring my boyfriend to her wedding if I asked to add him as a guest.

 

[musey]

Eh, it just must be a very personal thing. All our friends told us that in all honesty, they''d rather spend the time with friends than try to pair off... none of them even wanted to have guests along. So maybe it''s a case of like-attracts-like, and our friends are just like-minded on this front.

I just can''t imagine being offended by any invitation, even one that excluded my "guest" (nowadays, FI). I always think it''s flattering when people would like to include me, and I think it''s a little... intolerant? Not the exact word I''m looking for. It just bums me out that people would be so insistent upon being upset over something that seems unfair, to me.

 

[violet02]

Date: 8/13/2008 5:29:10 PM
Author: tessari
I have never planned a wedding before, but when my time comes I will definitely allow everyone to bring a guest and I would just not invite people at all if there''s no space for them and their plus one. Going to a wedding or any other event where you are all dressed up and there''s dancing etc. and not being able to bring a date just seems odd to me. I would be so very deeply offended if my friend told me I couldn''t bring my boyfriend to her wedding if I asked to add him as a guest.

I don''t think anyone is saying you couldn''t bring your boyfriend to a wedding. I think the point here is that single, unattached friends that are absolutely not dating one are not being given an open invite to bring just any person they feel like. Also this isn''t a company xmas party... it''s someone''s one day in a lifetime (we hope) intimate wedding ceremony/reception. There will be close family, lots of emotion and good friends sharing in a special day. Also I think most people are saying if you ''ask'' to add a guest that might work... but just adding a guest because you feel like it is a bit different. If someone invited you to a dinner party and they had a reservation for 6 would you just invite someone and not mention to the person hosting that they may need to add a seat or maybe even ask if it would be okay since it''s not your dinner party? That''s just common courtesy imo.

Musey: The more I think about what you said about strangers at your intimate wedding the more I totally agree with that. I was already feeling nervous as it was to have to go up there and say my vows in front of my FI''s family and friends that I''d never met... to think that there will be a bunch of people that aren''t even there to celebrate my wedding at all (just there to keep their friends company) seems weird to me. I''m also a pushover though and have said yes to some situation I might have wanted to not say yes to in terms of wedding guests. I''m trying to be as accomodating as possible but you just can''t make everyone happy!

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

Date: 8/13/2008 3:58:04 PM
Author: purrfectpear

Date: 8/13/2008 3:32:46 PM

Author: musey

AMEN, GALATEIA.


That ''guests are doing you a favor. Not the other way around.'' was actually somewhat shocking to me. How is it that they''re doing the couple a favor? I truly don''t understand.

Because a wedding is no different than any other sort of event where you are hosting and inviting guests. Every other party says you are to extend ''guest'' status to your invitees, why would your wedding be any different? The invitation says ''requests the HONOR of your presense'' it doesn''t say ''you''re LUCKY to be a guest''.


Not saying brides and grooms should bow down or spend more than they are comfortable with. Just saying guests, are guests.


I would not refuse to attend, as it was put. I said I would send regrets. It''s my choice to attend or not, just as it''s the hosts choice to limit the number of attendees.

I definitely disagree with this statement. I have thrown several dinner parties. When my roommate and I lived together, we had 6 chairs. That meant we could invite 4 other people to come over and eat with us. We spent lots of time and effort (and money) making those dinners. There is no way it would have been expected that those four people could assume that they could pop in with a date without even asking us if it was okay. 1. It''s our home. 2. The dinner costs money and time to prepare. 3. We only OWN 6 chairs. 4. We''d rather make dinner for 4 people we know than 2 friends and 2 strangers. If a friend would rather not come without a date, that''s definitely their choice, but I am not required to invite their friend.

A wedding is much more like a dinner party than a normal "stop by and enjoy the fun" party. The hosts may not be making the food themselves, but it is expensive and there are a set amount of chairs, due to space or budget.

I think it boils down to differences in what a wedding means to different people. For some, the wedding focuses on the party aspect and the dancing, so they can''t imagine having to attend without a date. For others it''s about the ceremony and the dinner. A person''s idea of the tone of weddings changes whether they look at it as a date event or not. And really, it is the bride and groom''s choice to set the tone of the wedding.

While I always appreciate the "guest" option, I understand a bride''s need to limit it sometimes, and I''m not about to get huffy. (and no, I do not think sending a regret or choosing not to come is huffy)

 

[diamondfan]

I am just baffled by the who is doing who a favor issue. HUH?

You are invited to share something with people. Either you go or you do not. If you do not go because of some view that they SHOULD do something and are not, and you are willing to miss their celebration, that is a bit much but whatever.


I do try to have some understanding of the case by case situation. Before I got married and at those times I was not in a serious relationship or dating anyone, I just did not have this rule about only attending with someone. Again a case by case basis, and I could understand someone situation and still NOT attend, which is my choice.

I guess I just find it amazing that anyone is doing anyone a favor, either by being invited or by attending an event.

 

[TravelingGal]

I do understand why so many brides don''t invite the +1. Weddings are expensive and a lot of people want a "personal" and intimate affair.

Our wedding was 50 people. I had to go check my guest list to make sure, but every single person who was invited, we also added room for their guest.

We invited "guests" because

1) our wedding was small, personal and intimate and there were only a handful of single people, so if they all invited guests, it wouldn''t break the bank.
2) Whie I didn''t like the thought of someone I had never met at my wedding (and there were a couple, and they were lovely people), I preferred to show we thought the guest''s feeling were important to us and we would love them to enjoy our wedding with a friend if they wanted to.

I guess for some people it''s THEIR day and they want to know everyone, but for us it was a celebration where we wanted everyone to have a great time and for us, potentially insulting a dear friend was far more unpalatable than meeting a few new folks on our wedding day.

 

[Diamond Confused]

Date: 8/13/2008 5:29:10 PM
Author: tessari
I have never planned a wedding before, but when my time comes I will definitely allow everyone to bring a guest and I would just not invite people at all if there''s no space for them and their plus one. Going to a wedding or any other event where you are all dressed up and there''s dancing etc. and not being able to bring a date just seems odd to me. I would be so very deeply offended if my friend told me I couldn''t bring my boyfriend to her wedding if I asked to add him as a guest.

I ABSOLUTELY agree!!! I think it''s in poor taste not to include plus ones on the invitation. I don''t think it''s presumptuous of people to assume they can bring a date. When calculating how many people will be at the wedding plus ones should be considered.

My FF was best man at a wedding and not allowed to bring a date. It was his best friend''s wedding and i wasn''t invited. It was such a slap in the face. I wish I could exclude his friend and his wife all together when we get married. Never quites got over that.

 

[Diamond Confused]

i guess the message to all girls still planning and those who will plan in the future: only invite as many people as you can accomadate with a plus 1.

 

[musey]

Suffice to say that people (as guests) obviously have very, very different expectations (and apparently, requirements) in this arena. Know your guests, I suppose.

I'm just glad our guests aren't so demanding of us to expect that we entertain total strangers at our intimate wedding. Who knows, maybe it's just because they'll each know at least 15 other people there... but none of them even thought to want a date along, from what they told us.

Date: 8/14/2008 1:20:59 AM
Author: Diamond Confused
i guess the message to all girls still planning and those who will plan in the future: only invite as many people as you can accomadate with a plus 1.

No, I do not think that's the message of this thread. That may be one of the messages of this thread. But I don't think it applies to everyone, it at least doesn't apply in my own situation, and it seems not to apply in others' situations as well.

I think it's quite harsh to say that "it's in poor taste not to include plus ones" on an invitation, with no qualification or exception. There are instances in which it is certainly not appropriate.

 

[mimzy]

Date: 8/14/2008 1:21:40 AM
Author: musey

Suffice to say that people (as guests) obviously have very, very different expectations (and apparently, requirements) in this arena. Know your guests, I suppose.


I'm just glad our guests aren't so demanding of us to expect that we entertain total strangers at our intimate wedding. Who knows, maybe it's just because they'll each know at least 15 other people there... but none of them even thought to want a date along, from what they told us.

Date: 8/14/2008 1:20:59 AM



Author: Diamond Confused

i guess the message to all girls still planning and those who will plan in the future: only invite as many people as you can accomadate with a plus 1.

No, I do not think that's the message of this thread. That may be one of the messages of this thread. But I don't think it applies to everyone, it at least doesn't apply in my own situation, and it seems not to apply in others' situations as well.

I think it's quite harsh to say that "it's in poor taste not to include plus ones" on an invitation, with no qualification or exception. There are instances in which it is certainly not appropriate.

sheesh, agreed! if anyone wants to make sure that they can accomodate EVERYONE with a plus one, good for them, but for some it's just a)not feasible and b)not what they desire for their wedding, and there's nothing wrong with that!

i have 16 first cousins that are single.....and i doubt that they would prefer that i not invite them because i can't plus one them all, adding another 16 people to my guestlist. we are all pretty close and are perfectly capable of having a great time without them bringing random people.

there are a lot of VERY tough choices that go into planning a wedding for some people, and this is often one of them. once you realize that you are cutting a friend you've known for 15 years because your other friend needs to bring a random date, you might think differently.

 

[palomablancabride]

We are having a small wedding- we''ll probably end up with about 70 guests. We are paying for the wedding on our own and did not want to invite everyone we''ve ever met. We just wanted an intimate event with our family and closest friends. With the exception of my maid of honor and my brother, no one is getting a generic plus one. Anyone in a serious relationship with someone will get an invite and plus boyfriend/girlfriend name. All of our guests know at least one other guest so there won''t be any issue of any single guests not having anyone to talk to. We have had to exclude some of our friends to keep the wedding small and I wouldn''t want to invite some complete stranger plus one in the place of one of our friends. I highly doubt any of our single friends will be offended.

 

[WishfulThinking]

I think people in the "you must invite everyone with +guest or don't invite them all because that is so rude" are operating on a few sort of weird assumptions.

The first is a budget issue. I know this has already been said, but it seems like people haven't understood the full extent of it if they continue to insist, as some have, that while planning you must base your guest list on having numbers to include a +guest for all of your single guests.

I am having a 16 person wedding. This is my immediate family and FI's immediate family. It is also already a HUGE financial burden for all of us. My two step-sisters are single, and my sister is in a long-term relationship with someone. None of them are getting a +guest invitations. Quite simply, we CANNOT afford it. I am not really sure what people presume I do... go into debt? Leave out immediate family members to make room for strangers? It's an unreasonable expectation, and fortunately, my family is far too classy to complain about something like that; they don't expect us to shell out money we don't have. In fact, unlike some here, they consider being part of our once-in-a-lifetime day an honor, rather than thinking of it as a huge favor I am doing them in which they are entitled to demand unreasonable things to be accommodated.

It's so unbelievably privileged of people to assume that budgets can accommodate that many extra people when the cost of having even a single person at a wedding is so astronomical. I don't exactly have money pouring out of my ears, and I can't cut anyone else out of my guest list. People with substantially larger budgets than ours [not difficult, haha] likely have the same situation, but on a larger scale.

The second is [and again, this has ALREADY been discussed and somehow ignored...] the level of intimacy. Honestly, I'd have a panic attack [not a hyperbole] if I had to say my vows in front of anyone I had known less than 10 years. I shouldn't be obligated to do so because some people are childish enough to need to be hand-held through an event where they already know multiple people with which they can mingle and talk with. With such a small guestlist, someone I have never met before is an awkward situation for me and my FI, as well as the people we want to have there. They would be, essentially, a stranger at an all-family event.

Sorry to go on and on, but it is a huge sore spot for me given our own budget constraints, including the fact that we will not have one single one of our friends present for our wedding. It does make me sad on occasion, but I already feel so lucky to have wonderful parents who are willing to spend what is for them an astronomical amount of money in order to give us a beautiful wedding that otherwise we could not afford. If we can't afford even our closest friends, why are we obligated to make room for people we have never met before? Call me a heathen, but I think that's pretty selfish behavior.

 

[CJ2008]

Date: 8/13/2008 11:35:25 PM
Author: diamondfan
I am just baffled by the who is doing who a favor issue. HUH?

You are invited to share something with people. Either you go or you do not. If you do not go because of some view that they SHOULD do something and are not, and you are willing to miss their celebration, that is a bit much but whatever.


I do try to have some understanding of the case by case situation. Before I got married and at those times I was not in a serious relationship or dating anyone, I just did not have this rule about only attending with someone. Again a case by case basis, and I could understand someone situation and still NOT attend, which is my choice.

I guess I just find it amazing that anyone is doing anyone a favor, either by being invited or by attending an event.

I''m with you, df...

 

[violet02]

Date: 8/14/2008 2:09:27 AM
Author: WishfulThinking
I think people in the ''you must invite everyone with +guest or don''t invite them all because that is so rude'' are operating on a few sort of weird assumptions.

The first is a budget issue. I know this has already been said, but it seems like people haven''t understood the full extent of it if they continue to insist, as some have, that while planning you must base your guest list on having numbers to include a +guest for all of your single guests.

I am having a 16 person wedding. This is my immediate family and FI''s immediate family. It is also already a HUGE financial burden for all of us. My two step-sisters are single, and my sister is in a long-term relationship with someone. None of them are getting a +guest invitations. Quite simply, we CANNOT afford it. I am not really sure what people presume I do... go into debt? Leave out immediate family members to make room for strangers? It''s an unreasonable expectation, and fortunately, my family is far too classy to complain about something like that; they don''t expect us to shell out money we don''t have. In fact, unlike some here, they consider being part of our once-in-a-lifetime day an honor, rather than thinking of it as a huge favor I am doing them in which they are entitled to demand unreasonable things to be accommodated.

It''s so unbelievably privileged of people to assume that budgets can accommodate that many extra people when the cost of having even a single person at a wedding is so astronomical. I don''t exactly have money pouring out of my ears, and I can''t cut anyone else out of my guest list. People with substantially larger budgets than ours [not difficult, haha] likely have the same situation, but on a larger scale.

The second is [and again, this has ALREADY been discussed and somehow ignored...] the level of intimacy. Honestly, I''d have a panic attack [not a hyperbole] if I had to say my vows in front of anyone I had known less than 10 years. I shouldn''t be obligated to do so because some people are childish enough to need to be hand-held through an event where they already know multiple people with which they can mingle and talk with. With such a small guestlist, someone I have never met before is an awkward situation for me and my FI, as well as the people we want to have there. They would be, essentially, a stranger at an all-family event.

Sorry to go on and on, but it is a huge sore spot for me given our own budget constraints, including the fact that we will not have one single one of our friends present for our wedding. It does make me sad on occasion, but I already feel so lucky to have wonderful parents who are willing to spend what is for them an astronomical amount of money in order to give us a beautiful wedding that otherwise we could not afford. If we can''t afford even our closest friends, why are we obligated to make room for people we have never met before? Call me a heathen, but I think that''s pretty selfish behavior.

100% agreed! Well put!!

 

[AdiS]

OK, I suspect this is going to be long. lol Though I’m married and it is possible that I’d forgotten how “the single one feels” I just do not agree that it is excusable to bring someone to a wedding when he or she is not explicitly invited. And blame the bride and groom that they didn’t think of you mental comfort and expected you to come alone. If and only if you don’t know anyone else attending the wedding I would include the +1. But in any other case I think it’s unfair to expect that the B&G can stretch space and budget infinitely to accommodate you. What if someone feels best with a company of 3 or 4 of his friends? Do you have to invite them too?
Violet, I was in your shoes too. Some of the guys in my DH’s crowd decided to bring dates that they all picked up in a bar or something literally days before the wedding.

Including our best man who hoped that his date will be sitting at the bridal party table (sounds familiar?lol) Naturally I was unnerved. I just wanted my closest friends and relatives to be there with us on our most important day and suddenly I had 6 or so complete strangers that I had to squeeze in days before the event. Well, DH was ok with that so we somehow managed to deal with the situation. But as for that girl the best man was bringing, I just said no. It was going to be 4 of us at that bridal table-me, my best friend (MOH), DH and his best man. She was sitting with her girlfriends from the bar and that was it. He sulked a bit but then we was like “Ok, it’s fine.“
I had the most wonderful wedding and everyone had so much fun (I didn’t feel like they were doing me a favor btw, they seemed to be happy for us and enjoying themselves) but I still feel a little cross when I think of the pressure and stress trying to make room and having to spend even more money than we already had to accommodate these girls who we saw never again after the wedding. So, is that all right? Is it ok to expect this from the bride and groom? As WishfulThinking said, selfish indeed.

 

[Pandora II]

My rule was married/engaged/living together over a year. None of our single friends had a problem with that at all. Sorry, but it''s a bit pathetic if you can''t enjoy yourself without a sidekick for an event.

And, VERY RUDE to RSVP for someone who wasn''t invited. My venue had very strict numbers and there was no way we could have fitted anyone else in space wise anyway. I wanted our friends and family there, not a random bunch of strangers.

I would call them up and explain the situation. If they''re not prepared to put on their big girls pants to attend wedding, then they probably don''t care enough about you or your wedding to worry about.

 

[loverocks]

Wouldn't you know it, right after this thread pop up I had and RSVP come back where someone added the +1 !
I know this has been beaten to death, but now I feel like I can add my .02
For our wedding, we included a +1 for those "singles" who are seriously dating someone. There are a few cousins and friends of the family sort of thing where we did not know if they were are not. We used our judgement there, but mostly decided that if we don't know or have a relationship with the person, then unfortunatly we could not include them.
It is a HUGE financial burden to include all of +1's. After immeadiate and (most) of the extended family, close friends and a few close colleagues, we are at 120 people. Now, if we were to include a +1 for every single, we would be at 160. That is an extra 40 people. Our venue for recepion is $175.00 per person (approx included grat and tax). So - the extra +1's would be $7,000. That is crazy!

As a bride, at some point, you have to put the breaks on things. Sure, I would love to invite everyone and have them all bring a guest, but I just can't afford a wedding of 300 people. So, we knew 120 pp was the max we could afford. Either we could have 120 people who are family and close friends (and a couple of +1's in there, almost all of whom we already know). OR - we could have 60-70 people, have to cut out uncles, cousins, close friends for years, all so we can accomodate +1's that we DO NOT KNOW - AND - pay 7,000 to spend ONE NIGHT with them and probably never see them again.
Can you tell which senario I prefer

As a guest (and I have been invited both as a single and as a +1 to various weddings)......I feel like this. It is an honor that the bride and groom feel that I am such an important part of their life that they would want to share the most special day of their life with them. No strings, no if, ands, or butts. Period. Who cares if I have a +1 or not??? It is not about me, afterall, it is about celebrate THEIR union and comiitment. And they want to share it with little 'ol me! How honored am I !

And now being a bride I feel my thoughts reinforced. Every person invited to the wedding is thought about and mulled over and maybe even added even though there is no space and no money but the bride or groom really really just had to have you there. Then how disappointed would they be if you wouldn't come just because you were silly and petty and wouldn't come to play just becasuse you couldn't bring a friend?

:: sory, rant over ::

 

[TravelingGal]

Look, people should do what they want to do. Invite +1, don''t invite +1. It''s all fine and good depending on your circumstances. And no matter what, I do think it''s a breach of etiquette to invite an escort if you didn''t get a +1 invite.

I''ll tell you all the solution to the situation. Get married late. Then all your friends will already be married and you won''t have to worry about singles!

 

[musey]

Date: 8/14/2008 1:06:03 PM
Author: TravelingGal
I'll tell you all the solution to the situation. Get married late. Then all your friends will already be married and you won't have to worry about singles!

That IS a good solution!!

Alternately, get married early, when you haven't had time to spread out your friend base, then all your singles will know each other anyway and not care about having a security blanket "date"!

 

[calidaisy]

this is what i'm doing:

for the weddings i attended in the past where +1 wasn't allowed, i'm asking those friends to not bring their husband. i'm not doing this as a revenge or anything but we have financial ($200+ per head reception) and space limitation (the church can only occupy 100 people max) where i cannot accomodate everyone's +1 whether that +1 may be a spouse, serious BF, or flavor of the month.

the irony, is we're letting a few close single friends to bring their +1 if we plan to attend their future wedding as a couple since it's only fair that we let them bring someone if we're planning to attend their weddings as a couple. so, the friends who are attending our wedding with +1 are the ones who let us attend their weddings with +1 or the ones whose weddings we plan to attend as a couple.

i don't think this is really the solution but the married friends who were asked not to bring their hubbies have been pleasant and understanding to our guest limit. thus, another way to look the issue is whether you are planning to attend that single person's wedding in the future by yourself or with your hubby ...

 

[CJ2008]

Date: 8/14/2008 8:10:33 PM
Author: calidaisy
this is what i''m doing:

for the weddings i attended in the past where +1 wasn''t allowed, i''m asking those friends to not bring their husband. i''m not doing this as a revenge or anything but we have financial ($200+ per head reception) and space limitation (the church can only occupy 100 people max) where i cannot accomodate everyone''s +1 whether that +1 may be a spouse, serious BF, or flavor of the month.

the irony, is we''re letting a few close single friends to bring their +1 if we plan to attend their future wedding as a couple since it''s only fair that we let them bring someone if we''re planning to attend their weddings as a couple. so, the friends who are attending our wedding with +1 are the ones who let us attend their weddings with +1 or the ones whose weddings we plan to attend as a couple.

i don''t think this is really the solution but the married friends who were asked not to bring their hubbies have been pleasant and understanding to our guest limit. thus, another way to look the issue is whether you are planning to attend that single person''s wedding in the future by yourself or with your hubby ...

Wow Cali - was that complicated to do? Not sure how big your guest list is...

As an aside, I don''t always think of being invited to anyone''s wedding as an honor...I don''t attach that much to it...unless of course it''s a dear friend or something...

 

[purrfectpear]

Oops, everyone misunderstood what I meant about "guest status". It''s my fault as obviously I wasn''t being clear. I didn''t mean invited guests have an inate right to bring another guest, I meant that the PERSON you invited WAS a guest, and they should be treated like one. The question was asked "what is meant by the guests are doing you a favor"? I was trying to explain that when you invite a friend to a party (wedding or otherwise) they ARE doing you a favor by coming to your party. You know how when you were little your mom always said you needed to be nice to your friends at your house because "they were your guests", that''s what I meant. So in short, I''m just saying that as a host/hostess you are supposed to do what you can to make your invited guests comfortable, that''s all.

Notice I said "what you can". If you can''t afford more people or have space considerations, there''s not much you can do about it. When you CAN afford it, you should try to include an escort IMO.

I personally don''t think anyone should be miffed or angry that an escort was not included. Just don''t go. Neither side should be miffed with each other over an invite. Go, or don''t go, but still be pleased to be invited.

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

Date: 8/14/2008 8:33:06 PM
Author: purrfectpear
Oops, everyone misunderstood what I meant about ''guest status''. It''s my fault as obviously I wasn''t being clear. I didn''t mean invited guests have an inate right to bring another guest, I meant that the PERSON you invited WAS a guest, and they should be treated like one. The question was asked ''what is meant by the guests are doing you a favor''? I was trying to explain that when you invite a friend to a party (wedding or otherwise) they ARE doing you a favor by coming to your party. You know how when you were little your mom always said you needed to be nice to your friends at your house because ''they were your guests'', that''s what I meant. So in short, I''m just saying that as a host/hostess you are supposed to do what you can to make your invited guests comfortable, that''s all.


Notice I said ''what you can''. If you can''t afford more people or have space considerations, there''s not much you can do about it. When you CAN afford it, you should try to include an escort IMO.


I personally don''t think anyone should be miffed or angry that an escort was not included. Just don''t go. Neither side should be miffed with each other over an invite. Go, or don''t go, but still be pleased to be invited.

oooooh! I see what you meant now

I agree. The people attending the wedding are guests, just like any other party, and hosts do what they can to make their guests comfortable. I liked your last paragraph too.

 

[Haven]

I find it baffling when people are offended that they are not invited to weddings with a guest (read: stranger to the couple) when they are not married, engaged, or living with someone.

And to be clear: if one is truly "old-fashioned" one would NOT invite someone "and guest" unless that someone were married or engaged. In fact, if you are old-fashioned, you wouldn''t DREAM of living with someone before marriage, so that is why the "living with someone" option is not included here.

I am old-fashioned in this sense. My family is old-fashioned. We read etiquette books, cook out of Amy Vanderbilt''s cookbook, and send engraved invitations for formal affairs. I don''t know if it''s because I''m only second-generation American and we haven''t lost all of our European heritage to American culture, but this is the way it is.

People in general seem to be confused about what is "proper" according to traditional etiquette, but the rule is clear: you are not required to invite an "an guest" unless that "and guest" is actually engaged or married to the first guest. And in that case, you wouldn''t dream of actually writing out "and guest" on an invitation, rather you would address it to the actual person, and if the two do not live together, you would send the second guest an invite of their own. My mother says the "and guest" option is "the height of tacky", as it is either asking your guests to bring a relative stranger to your event, or you failed to ask the name of a friend''s fiance/e, which is quite rude.

Of course, people and regions have developed their own "rules" of what is acceptable. I''m just saying that the traditional etiquette is very clear on this issue.

 

[calidaisy]

Claudinam, we're hoping to have between 100 and 120 guests.

It (surprisingly) wasn't that complicated asking people to not bring their spouse (and/ or children). I called them and shared how stressful cutting down the guest list was in the given space limitation (I did not say anything about $$) with the number of relatives I have, and how I have to invite some of my parents' friends since my parents gave us a generous cash gift.

Then, I flat out asked if they minded/ would be offended if I did not invite their spouse and/ or children ... because I might just have to do that as a last resort. Everyone said that was ok and to send out the invite with their name only.

I don't know if these friends will be miffed to see other couples or some singles with their flavor of the month at our wedding but I thought it was fair to start with people who didn't allow me to bring +1, to not bring their +1 regardless of how well I know their spouses.

 

[calidaisy]

ETA: not to generalize, but i think married people are more understanding of the guest list issue than singles--another reason why i chose the married people to not bring their +1 first.

i thought the worst that can happen by asking friends to not bring their spouse (and/ or kids) was them saying "no" or declining to attend my wedding. but surprisingly, everyone was pleasant about it and thought my wedding as a girls'' night out with other married girlfriends who were coming by themselves.

 

[diamondfan]

Haven, I somewhat agree with you, in that if that person is bringing someone else it is nice to know their name. However, sometimes the person is maybe dating someone but not sure at the time of the event that they will still be together, and so it can a touch awkward. But back in the day, you would address the guest''s invite to them specifically.

I am still a bit shocked about the notion of owing your guests or someone doing you a favor either by inviting you to something or by attending your event. Just bizarre. Either they want to go or not, and I think either they understand if you have a reason to not invite them with a date or they do not. I would never dream of inviting a married person or engaged person sans their partner, at that point, whether or not I know their partner, hey, they still get invited and that is fine. But the idea that I might be having some random person that this person wanted to hang with is a bit weird... but again, if I have the space, I am less likely to really mind it that much.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 8/14/2008 9:10:23 PM
Author: calidaisy

Claudinam, we''re hoping to have between 100 and 120 guests.

It (surprisingly) wasn''t that complicated asking people to not bring their spouse (and/ or children). I called them and shared how stressful cutting down the guest list was in the given space limitation (I did not say anything about $$) with the number of relatives I have, and how I have to invite some of my parents'' friends since my parents gave us a generous cash gift.

Then, I flat out asked if they minded/ would be offended if I did not invite their spouse and/ or children ... because I might just have to do that as a last resort. Everyone said that was ok and to send out the invite with their name only.

I don''t know if these friends will be miffed to see other couples or some singles with their flavor of the month at our wedding but I thought it was fair to start with people who didn''t allow me to bring +1, to not bring their +1 regardless of how well I know their spouses.

Your friends are kinder than I would be. I could (sort of) understand if you were asking all married friends to not bring their spouses, but you are specifically only asking those who didn''t allow you a +1 not to bring theirs. What is that if not spiteful? I can''t imagine your friends won''t realize that you did indeed invite some married COUPLES and singles with their significant other.

I''m not saying that married people can''t go to an event without their spouse and have a good time...they sure can. But this just seems strange to me, especially if you know the spouse well. When you weren''t allowed to bring your +1 to their weddings, you weren''t married. Now THEY are!

That being said, it seems like you (and they) handled it well, so that''s good...