Single guests bringing... guests?

[fieryred33143]

Date: 8/13/2008 8:49:17 AM
Author: purrfectpear
I''m another who does not attend parties, weddings, or any sort of event without an escort. I wouldn''t dream of writing one in, but if the invitation does not include one, I reply with regrets. It''s just my personal choice. I have no hangups about being alone, I travel alone, dine alone, do most things alone...but I prefer to attend events with an escort.

Ditto to this. I won''t go to a wedding alone and find it odd when someone expects me to attend alone. I would have said no and sent a gift.

My FI and I have already decided that if we can''t invite a single with a guest, then we aren''t inviting that single.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Looks like I'm going to be the odd man out, but...

Deal with it the best you can.

I'm sure you've been invited to wedding, or parties, or whatever before and brought a date or friend or guest and probably had a better time because he/she was there with you. In my opinion, if you're guests will feel more comfortable, or have a better time, then you should be *excited*. Because after all, isn't that what you want?

I mean, these are people that are taking time out of their lives to come to your party. I'm sure they all have other things they could be doing...and lets be honest, there is a small small tiny tiny chance that absolutely everyone you invited will come, so I'm sure you'll more than likely have enough room to accomidate 5 extra people.

And, who are you to say who is deemed a "SO" and who isn't in that persons life? I view my best friend as very signifigant and when I was single, I would bring her with me to places because we had more fun. And, hypothetically speaking, whose to say that 'Mary' doesn't consider her new boyfriend 'Joe' signifigant...just because you havent personally met him?

You have so many things to worry about on your wedding day, and before the wedding...although it may rub you the wrong way, and something you would never, ever do...let it ride, because when it's all said and done, this won't matter.

 

[LaraOnline]

I agree with ItalianHairColour, it is likely you might have a drop out or two... and in a fair world, single people would also be able to bring a guest, particularly if de facto and other unmarried couples are able attended as ''plus guest''
being forced to attend significant events as a loner is kind of a tax on celibacy, is it not?

 

[mayachel]

Having attended a bunch of weddings, before being a bride myself there is definitely a learning curve for what is expected. Some of my friends did very small weddings, with only close friends and relatives. The idea was, most of us did know each other, and post wedding shower, knew even more of the family. They said no to any non-long term relationships. At the time, I thought it was a little odd, but they were such good friends, and I could travel and share hotel expenses with other single friends.

Another wedding, I was in the bridal party, encouraged to bring a date, but we were nearing the end of our relationship. My friend is pretty laid back, but even I think it''s weird that she has all these professional pictures of the wedding party table, with this guy, who is not my FH.

As for not being invited to a wedding, my guy has a huge tight knit group of friends from grad school, that fostered some marriages. We''ve known one another for 14 years, though only dating for about 1 year at that time. However, when one of those couples invited him for a wedding, and not me, I felt extremely slighted. I know how important these friends were to him, that we live far away from most of them, and how they are who he would want at our wedding. In keeping the numbers down, they decided we were not committed enough, to qualify (I hope that''s all it was). I encouraged him, and he did attend on his own, but it was hard for both of us in the sense that he wanted me there as part of the group. We''ve still attended events over the years since, but it''s clear that though they are nice people, it''s taken a lot to prove I''m around for the long haul and get them to acknowledge me. I actually went to gathering recently, where I did attend a wedding of the couple, three years ago, have met them since, and they still introduced themselves as though we had never met before. It''s like hello, we own a house together, what''s it going to take? I think at this point, the longer we are together, and I''ve met people and heard about their wedding planning, the more insulted I would be if I wasn''t invited, by name or +1.

 

[lucy.lucy.80]

Date: 8/13/2008 8:59:17 AM
Author: fieryred33143

Date: 8/13/2008 8:49:17 AM
Author: purrfectpear
I''m another who does not attend parties, weddings, or any sort of event without an escort. I wouldn''t dream of writing one in, but if the invitation does not include one, I reply with regrets. It''s just my personal choice. I have no hangups about being alone, I travel alone, dine alone, do most things alone...but I prefer to attend events with an escort.

Ditto to this. I won''t go to a wedding alone and find it odd when someone expects me to attend alone. I would have said no and sent a gift.

My FI and I have already decided that if we can''t invite a single with a guest, then we aren''t inviting that single.

thritto to above posts...for us, everyone over 21 is invited with a guest.

....but if people are adding +1 w/o a guest invited I would politely tell the something along the lines that although we wish we could accomdate your guest, unfortunatly space is limited. Most people would understand.

 

[allycat0303]

I would not go without being able to bring someone either. I am not saying that I would find it *insulting* but I would send a gift, and not attend. I would understand the limited space.

Two of my single friends explained it to me this way: "I am single. And attending a wedding, which is wonderful for the bride and groom. But it would make me personally feel awful to be there, especially knowing how hard it is to find someone these days. Inevitably they think, "why not me," "everyone has someone", "oh here I am sitting alone at the table with no escort, I look like a loser". I am NOT saying that everyone feels like this. And the last comment, I have actually felt even when I was WITH my fiance, so I can definitely relate to the discomfort. A lot of my girl friends are single, and actively looking, and they worry about my wedding a lot. Who will they sit with, who will they find to go with them. I think when you are in a long term relationship, you can forget what being single feels like.

The way I see it as this: the people I am inviting to my wedding, I am very, very close to. There are no work friends, or acquaintances. I want everyone to be as comfortable as possible, so all of them are invited with a guest (a same-sex one if it makes them happy, but someone so they can hang out with). I do feel that the day is about us, but I also think it is about the people we love supporting us through our relationship.

That being said, I am stunned that people would add people on the invitation. Although, it could be they weren''t aware of the size of the wedding, and assumed the "and guest" was an oversight.

 

[strmrdr]

I''m surprised, around here it is considered extremely rude not to expect a guest to come with a single person and invite them.
Every wedding I have been invited to included + guest.
The ones I bothered going to I always rsvp''ed just myself.
Out of them all I can think of 2 that there was another single without a guest and they were both older ladies.

 

[princesss]

Wow, apparently I''m in the minority that would say, "Just me? Okay!" I recently attended a wedding where, due to space constraints, they were only able to invite me. I knew the bride and groom and a few friends (read: 4), and went by myself and had a blast. I think it''s ridiculous to add in somebody on the response card. I even think it''s kind of ridiculous to call and ask, but at least that''s not just assuming it''s okay to do whatever you want.

 

[diamondfan]

Why would you just not invite those singles and let them decide? They might be more willing to see you married than to have a guest with them.

 

[ash313]

Every wedding I have ever been invited to has included "and guest" on my invite. Some were friends, some family, but since I turned 18, I have been offered a guest.

I haven''t always had someone to bring with, in which case, I didn''t bring anyone. No big deal, I was fine with it. But to be extended the offer is important to me.

Here''s an example: A friend recently got married and invited all of her work friends (all female, eight of them) and extended "and guest" to each one. Some were single, some in a relationship, some married. All the women decided they would make it a "girl''s night" and head there together instead of with dates. They RSVP''d as singles, and in the meantime saved the bride about $300. The bride was actually elated, since she did not know their husbands or SOs. However, in her mind it would have been quite rude to invite all of the women and only extend "and guest" to married ones....

I say this to demonstrate that sometimes, single guests do not need or want to bring anyone, but they should always be given the option, especially if it makes the evening more fun for them!

 

[musey]

Date: 8/13/2008 2:02:06 PM
Author: leeNY
I say this to demonstrate that sometimes, single guests do not need or want to bring anyone, but they should always be given the option, especially if it makes the evening more fun for them!

I think everyone understands this concept, but it's never going to be more than personal opinion that it should (or shouldn't) be a given.

My only argument is that if the single guest will have other friends there, it doesn't make sense to require/expect the host of the wedding to allow for plus ones. Especially if it's on the smaller side.

If all our single friends were bringing guests, our wedding would be populated by 40% total strangers (we have a lot of single friends). I just don't see the logic in that, when we made such an effort to include only those we were close to on the guest list itself. We're already allowing for 8 "and guests," for those older friends that wouldn't know anyone otherwise. I have enough of an issue sharing that oh-so-personal and important experience with extended family... much less a bunch of strangers?

I'm sorry, it just doesn't work for me. Luckily, none of our single friends thought it made sense, either

(we asked)

 

[violet02]

Well I don't have room for it. I had a lot of family obligations and we have a lot of friends! For the friends that knew NO ONE as I said before I was fine if they asked and I had room to allow them to bring a guest. I didn't have room to give everyone a 'guest'. I did want them to come and I would have liked to been asked first as opposed to informed that they would be bringing a guest. If I have room I can make exceptions but with no room then I can't do much about it. I did opt not to invite one friend that would know no one because of space issues with him bringing a guest and I knew he wouldn't enjoy himself alone.

Also keep in mind here that I'm not judging who's an SO or not. I'm talking about purely single, not dating friends... as in they informed me they were inviting a co-worker, a buddy etc. If they had a girlfriend/boyfriend then that's something I'm happy to discuss. One other friend informed me of their boyfriend so I had included him on the list when I had more room. I have never met her boyfiend but I added him! But of course that then edges out one of my single friends ability to bring a guest.

As it stands from my original post we already are full up this is after receiving almost every RSVP. I'm waiting on a couple of others to see if I can fit in a cousin and her family. I already said if we have room then I will let them know. I think my issue was the fact that I didn't add 'and guest' to the invite and my guests invited guests without talking to me about it.

I think sometimes you can attend events where you know other people and not always have to have a date. Also sometimes it's a great way to meet other singles.

 

[musey]

Date: 8/13/2008 10:17:28 AM
Author: allycat0303
The way I see it as this: the people I am inviting to my wedding, I am very, very close to. There are no work friends, or acquaintances. I want everyone to be as comfortable as possible, so all of them are invited with a guest (a same-sex one if it makes them happy, but someone so they can hang out with). I do feel that the day is about us, but I also think it is about the people we love supporting us through our relationship.

See, that's exactly why we didn't invite + guests... because the only people we're inviting are those we're very, very close to. You don't want work friends, or acquaintances... but strangers are better? (I understand what you're saying, ally, mostly playing devil's advocate.)

Maybe I'm just taking our situation for granted, because almost all of our friends are mutual. We have about 25 friends that were invited as singles, and we knew (we asked) that they wouldn't mind because they're all friends with each other. We have 5 more from the same group that have significant others, and those SOs were invited because we have become close to them, as well. It's sort of like any other party, in that way, attendance-wise.

Like I said in my last post, we have 8 friends from our "past life" (before college, when this current group of friends formed) that were invited with guests because they wouldn't feel right at home with our group.

It makes perfect sense to me, but then maybe that's because I've never been a single adult attending weddings.

 

[iwannaprettyone]

I invited the single, but accounted for a guest in my planning. I figure they''ll call me if they want to bring someone and I can yea or nay at that time.

Don''t forget the 30% rule also...

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 8/13/2008 10:17:28 AM
Author: allycat0303
I think when you are in a long term relationship, you can forget what being single feels like.

SOOOOO TRUE! I "and Guested" every single - even though it was a small wedding. Because I remember ALL TOO WELL how difficult those events can be in the first place when you''re "the single one".

Honestly, I even took a girlfriend to my sister''s wedding - on the advice of my (then) therapist. She rightfully realized that I could use some extra support on that day as I''d just been through a difficult breakup & was seeing my much, much younger sister wed. It helped so much. Truly.

 

[violet02]

Date: 8/13/2008 2:19:51 PM
Author: musey

Date: 8/13/2008 10:17:28 AM
Author: allycat0303
The way I see it as this: the people I am inviting to my wedding, I am very, very close to. There are no work friends, or acquaintances. I want everyone to be as comfortable as possible, so all of them are invited with a guest (a same-sex one if it makes them happy, but someone so they can hang out with). I do feel that the day is about us, but I also think it is about the people we love supporting us through our relationship.

See, that''s exactly why we didn''t invite + guests... because the only people we''re inviting are those we''re very, very close to. You don''t want work friends, or acquaintances... but strangers are better? (I understand what you''re saying, ally, mostly playing devil''s advocate.)

Maybe I''m just taking our situation for granted, because almost all of our friends are mutual. We have about 25 friends that were invited as singles, and we knew (we asked) that they wouldn''t mind because they''re all friends with each other. We have 5 more from the same group that have significant others, and those SOs were invited because we have become close to them, as well. It''s sort of like any other party, in that way, attendance-wise.

Like I said in my last post, we have 8 friends from our ''past life'' (before college, when this current group of friends formed) that were invited with guests because they wouldn''t feel right at home with our group.

It makes perfect sense to me, but then maybe that''s because I''ve never been a single adult attending weddings.

See I invited friends that all knew each other. That hang out with each other that I see out on their own plenty of times. I made a seating chart where they were seated WITH others they knew. These are friends I see out and about and go on trips with that go solo... I think there''s something about weddings that make people want to show up coupled up with someone else, paired up whatever you want to call it...

 

[violet02]

Date: 8/13/2008 2:34:48 PM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 8/13/2008 10:17:28 AM
Author: allycat0303
I think when you are in a long term relationship, you can forget what being single feels like.

SOOOOO TRUE! I ''and Guested'' every single - even though it was a small wedding. Because I remember ALL TOO WELL how difficult those events can be in the first place when you''re ''the single one''.

Honestly, I even took a girlfriend to my sister''s wedding - on the advice of my (then) therapist. She rightfully realized that I could use some extra support on that day as I''d just been through a difficult breakup & was seeing my much, much younger sister wed. It helped so much. Truly.

That''s not really the issue I have. I do know exactly what it''s like to be single. My FI works a LOT so I go to 90% of parties, dinners you name it alone. I''m fine with this though because I have single friends that are going as well.

 

[musey]

Date: 8/13/2008 2:28:03 PM
Author: iwannaprettyone
I invited the single, but accounted for a guest in my planning. I figure they'll call me if they want to bring someone and I can yea or nay at that time.

Don't forget the 30% rule also...

30% rule?

Date: 8/13/2008 2:35:21 PM
Author: violet02

Date: 8/13/2008 2:19:51 PM
Author: musey

Date: 8/13/2008 10:17:28 AM
Author: allycat0303
The way I see it as this: the people I am inviting to my wedding, I am very, very close to. There are no work friends, or acquaintances. I want everyone to be as comfortable as possible, so all of them are invited with a guest (a same-sex one if it makes them happy, but someone so they can hang out with). I do feel that the day is about us, but I also think it is about the people we love supporting us through our relationship.

See, that's exactly why we didn't invite + guests... because the only people we're inviting are those we're very, very close to. You don't want work friends, or acquaintances... but strangers are better? (I understand what you're saying, ally, mostly playing devil's advocate.)

Maybe I'm just taking our situation for granted, because almost all of our friends are mutual. We have about 25 friends that were invited as singles, and we knew (we asked) that they wouldn't mind because they're all friends with each other. We have 5 more from the same group that have significant others, and those SOs were invited because we have become close to them, as well. It's sort of like any other party, in that way, attendance-wise.

Like I said in my last post, we have 8 friends from our 'past life' (before college, when this current group of friends formed) that were invited with guests because they wouldn't feel right at home with our group.

It makes perfect sense to me, but then maybe that's because I've never been a single adult attending weddings.

See I invited friends that all knew each other. That hang out with each other that I see out on their own plenty of times. I made a seating chart where they were seated WITH others they knew. These are friends I see out and about and go on trips with that go solo... I think there's something about weddings that make people want to show up coupled up with someone else, paired up whatever you want to call it...

Exactly! What's the deal with that??

For some reason, this thread is making me want to watch 'Bridget Jones' Diary'

 

[musey]

Date: 8/13/2008 2:19:51 PM
Author: musey
It makes perfect sense to me, but then maybe that's because I've never been a single adult attending weddings.

I should amend this: I've never been a single adult attending weddings where I didn't know anyone else.

I have been a single adult attending weddings where I knew one or more other people. I had just as much fun at those as I do at events with my FI.
I guess I don't understand the need for a date if you'll have other friends in attendance

It makes it seem less like any other gathering, and more like a couples-only mixer

 

[violet02]

Date: 8/13/2008 2:44:45 PM
Author: musey

Date: 8/13/2008 2:28:03 PM
Author: iwannaprettyone
I invited the single, but accounted for a guest in my planning. I figure they''ll call me if they want to bring someone and I can yea or nay at that time.

Don''t forget the 30% rule also...

30% rule?

Is that the percentage of people that may not show up to the wedding of your invited guests? Because if that''s the case that percentage of people on my list have already bowed out.

 

[musey]

Date: 8/13/2008 2:56:07 PM
Author: violet02

Date: 8/13/2008 2:44:45 PM
Author: musey

Date: 8/13/2008 2:28:03 PM
Author: iwannaprettyone
I invited the single, but accounted for a guest in my planning. I figure they''ll call me if they want to bring someone and I can yea or nay at that time.
Don''t forget the 30% rule also...

30% rule?

Is that the percentage of people that may not show up to the wedding of your invited guests? Because if that''s the case that percentage of people on my list have already bowed out.

That''s what I thought she might have meant... for me, it''s not a space (or even budget, though that''s a consideration) constraint thing, but a types-of-people-I-want-to-share-that-day-with thing.

 

[allycat0303]

Musey,

Honestly, I totally understand that small intimate wedding, and then you bring in the *guest* takes away from the whole intimate feeling because you end up with strangers. Even as I wrote it, I said to myself, it''s a bit of a contradiction. I understand wanting to share the day with only those you love. I initially had said "I want every single person there, to be someone I love" But at the same time, the flip side is that I don''t want anyone to feel uncomfortable and sad. Also, bear in mind, that I invited only 5 friends...so obviously, five extra people changes little, budget wise etc. The added bonus was one of my 2 friends has already asked her date (yes she is THAT worried..it''s 1 year away) and it''s a guy that I had wondered if I should or should not because he''s a friend, but I didn''t know if I could include him in the *good friend*. It depends a lot also on your single friend. Some girls are really confident, ladies night etc., but some are more self conscious and would feel bad.

If I was not adding *a guest* if a friend that was uncomfortable enough to call me and say "Uhmmm...do you mind if I bring a date," I would NEVER dream of declining.

Deco: Having 2 (of the 5 girls I invited) who are having a difficult time being single, I''m pretty sensitive that when you are celebrating love, it kind of can stink not having love yourself! I told the other friend to bring her sister, another friend, if she needs a wing-girl to meet some men, or just to keep her company.

 

[musey]

Date: 8/13/2008 3:16:06 PM
Author: allycat0303
If I was not adding *a guest* if a friend that was uncomfortable enough to call me and say 'Uhmmm...do you mind if I bring a date,' I would NEVER dream of declining.

I don't think I'd be able to say no to any of my friends if they did ask, either, if I'm being honest. I've already said "yes" without thinking to my parent's friends who wanted to bring their son along (don't get me started--I'm a pushover).

 

[galeteia]

I think people need to remember that being invited to someone''s wedding is an honour, and does not ''entitle'' them to impose on their hosts'' hospitality.

I admit I am shocked to hear that some people would refuse to go to a wedding if they were not allowed to bring along a +1. I would have been fine not bringing my partner (even though we are technically married!) to the most recent wedding I attended because the bride and groom have met him twice, and it did not seem logical for them to ''wine and dine'' a relative stranger, regardless of his relation to me.

Wedding costs nowadays are getting out of control, and I think it''s important that people be sensitive to the burden they are placing on the hosts and not get carried away by their own ideas about what the bride and groom should do for them. It''s not about the guests and their love life/personal entertainment, it''s about supporting and celebrating the couple getting married.

 

[musey]

AMEN, GALATEIA.

That "guests are doing you a favor. Not the other way around." was actually somewhat shocking to me. How is it that they're doing the couple a favor? I truly don't understand.

 

[Elmorton]

I think everything Musey has said was our exact situation for our wedding - we had a small wedding, everyone had a group of friends, and we didn''t and-guest. I don''t think there was anything rude about it.

However, I did have a friend ask to bring a date (like, someone she''d hooked up with once or twice with a year before - not a significant other) and I did say no. She was participating in my wedding, which meant I''d have a total stranger at my rehearsal dinner (wedding party plus family only) in addition to the wedding. Also, in our group of close girlfriends, only one was bringing a date (her husband, who has been attending our girl get-togethers for about 5 years now). Our wedding had 100 people, but with the exception of a couple guests that our parents invited (which we had no control over, they paid), we knew and were close with everyone. I explained this to my friend, and I think she was hurt, but she later told me that I was right and it was an awesome time having the girls back together again.

 

[purrfectpear]

Date: 8/13/2008 3:32:46 PM
Author: musey
AMEN, GALATEIA.

That ''guests are doing you a favor. Not the other way around.'' was actually somewhat shocking to me. How is it that they''re doing the couple a favor? I truly don''t understand.

Because a wedding is no different than any other sort of event where you are hosting and inviting guests. Every other party says you are to extend "guest" status to your invitees, why would your wedding be any different? The invitation says "requests the HONOR of your presense" it doesn''t say "you''re LUCKY to be a guest".

Not saying brides and grooms should bow down or spend more than they are comfortable with. Just saying guests, are guests.

I would not refuse to attend, as it was put. I said I would send regrets. It''s my choice to attend or not, just as it''s the hosts choice to limit the number of attendees.

 

[musey]

Date: 8/13/2008 3:58:04 PM
Author: purrfectpear

Date: 8/13/2008 3:32:46 PM
Author: musey
AMEN, GALATEIA.

That 'guests are doing you a favor. Not the other way around.' was actually somewhat shocking to me. How is it that they're doing the couple a favor? I truly don't understand.

Because a wedding is no different than any other sort of event where you are hosting and inviting guests. Every other party says you are to extend 'guest' status to your invitees, why would your wedding be any different?

I guess I was never taught that, and can't seem to find a rule of etiquette stating it (all I can find from miss Post is that if no "plus one" is stated, don't add it). I'm sure it's a regional/cultural thing.

Regardless, our wedding is very different from "any other sort of event where you are hosting and inviting guests" for us because it's a very personal event, not just another party. I did invite a different (and more limited) crowd to our wedding than I would to "every other party."

Here's a semi-interesting article I came across while scouring google for some sign of this plus one expectation being an actual guideline:
An Invitation for One

ETA: Oh my goodness, I can't believe all there are videos on these subjects!

The invitation says 'requests the HONOR of your presense' it doesn't say 'you're LUCKY to be a guest'.

To be fair, our invitation says "requests the PLEASURE of YOUR company," not "requests the awkwardness of filling their otherwise intimate and personal wedding with virtual strangers."

While we're arguing who's doing whom a favor, and whether a wedding is like "any other party"... I don't think I could ever presume to think of myself as doing the host, who spent months of their time (and much of their $$$) planning a party so that *I* (and everyone else) could have a great time, a favor. I don't really think of myself as doing the guests a favor, either. I would (and tend to) feel lucky to be invited/included in such an important event

, and likewise feel lucky to have so many people who want to share our own wedding/party with us.

But then I suppose I generally tend to think of myself as fortunate, rather than entitled.

 

[zoebartlett]

Musey, I totally agree with everything you''ve said. I was upset that we had a few last minute additions to our guest list (like, oh, 2 days before our wedding). I was also upset that my friend brought basically a complete stranger to our wedding (well, stranger to us). I will say though, in looking back, that while it really bugged me, in the end, I was able to enjoy the day and not think about the few random people in attendance. Yeah, the random guests added to the "things didn''t go exactly as planned" story we now have.

 

[musey]

Thanks, Zoe

I was starting to think I''d been raised by wolves for a minute, there!