Single guests bringing... guests?

[SarahLovesJS]

I guess I'm one of the few here, that won't be sending and guest invites to my singles that I know aren't dating anyone/engaged/have a SO. Maybe it's rude..but we just don't have the space. Also, I am trying to have an intimate ceremony..I say intimate with about 80-90 people probably..but hey it's better than over 100. I really don't want people I haven't met at my wedding..it's a very personal and private moment and I'd like to know the people I am sharing it with.

I am also trying to cut anyone who wouldn't be happy to be there..if they don't want to be there to share that moment with me then I don't really want them there.

ETA: Woo this thread has gotten intense!

 

[violet02]

Date: 8/14/2008 9:06:28 PM
Author: Haven
I find it baffling when people are offended that they are not invited to weddings with a guest (read: stranger to the couple) when they are not married, engaged, or living with someone.

And to be clear: if one is truly 'old-fashioned' one would NOT invite someone 'and guest' unless that someone were married or engaged. In fact, if you are old-fashioned, you wouldn't DREAM of living with someone before marriage, so that is why the 'living with someone' option is not included here.

I am old-fashioned in this sense. My family is old-fashioned. We read etiquette books, cook out of Amy Vanderbilt's cookbook, and send engraved invitations for formal affairs. I don't know if it's because I'm only second-generation American and we haven't lost all of our European heritage to American culture, but this is the way it is.

People in general seem to be confused about what is 'proper' according to traditional etiquette, but the rule is clear: you are not required to invite an 'an guest' unless that 'and guest' is actually engaged or married to the first guest. And in that case, you wouldn't dream of actually writing out 'and guest' on an invitation, rather you would address it to the actual person, and if the two do not live together, you would send the second guest an invite of their own. My mother says the 'and guest' option is 'the height of tacky', as it is either asking your guests to bring a relative stranger to your event, or you failed to ask the name of a friend's fiance/e, which is quite rude.

Of course, people and regions have developed their own 'rules' of what is acceptable. I'm just saying that the traditional etiquette is very clear on this issue.

I agree with this. I know that not everyone will know someone's name at times but I'm only having 80 people at the wedding. For people who are bringing their SO's that I may not know (and I allowed them to because it's a serious SO, but I haven't seen them in a long time etc) I asked the name of the person that would be coming with them and included that person's name on the invitation. I never used 'and guest' on any of my invitations. In the case of my best friend/man of honor who now has a serious girlfriend but they don't live together, I sent her a separate invitation. I didn't want any random 'and guests' at my wedding. I wanted to at least be aware of who my friends were bringing or wanting to bring. I also didn't want that blanket 'invite any stranger you want' invitation out there.

My FI's good friend, who is now a groomsmen in our wedding got married last fall. His wife addressed my FI's invitation to '[FI's name] and Guest'. I was a bit put off by this. We weren't engaged or living together but we were in a serious relationship. It wasn't a space issue either. My thinking was I would have been okay with an invitation just to my FI or to my FI and I either way... but to address it to 'and guest' was really awkward at the time. They knew he would be bringing me as well.

Date: 8/15/2008 1:42:52 AM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 8/14/2008 9:10:23 PM
Author: calidaisy

Claudinam, we're hoping to have between 100 and 120 guests.

It (surprisingly) wasn't that complicated asking people to not bring their spouse (and/ or children). I called them and shared how stressful cutting down the guest list was in the given space limitation (I did not say anything about $$) with the number of relatives I have, and how I have to invite some of my parents' friends since my parents gave us a generous cash gift.

Then, I flat out asked if they minded/ would be offended if I did not invite their spouse and/ or children ... because I might just have to do that as a last resort. Everyone said that was ok and to send out the invite with their name only.

I don't know if these friends will be miffed to see other couples or some singles with their flavor of the month at our wedding but I thought it was fair to start with people who didn't allow me to bring +1, to not bring their +1 regardless of how well I know their spouses.

Your friends are kinder than I would be. I could (sort of) understand if you were asking all married friends to not bring their spouses, but you are specifically only asking those who didn't allow you a +1 not to bring theirs. What is that if not spiteful? I can't imagine your friends won't realize that you did indeed invite some married COUPLES and singles with their significant other.

I'm not saying that married people can't go to an event without their spouse and have a good time...they sure can. But this just seems strange to me, especially if you know the spouse well. When you weren't allowed to bring your +1 to their weddings, you weren't married. Now THEY are!

That being said, it seems like you (and they) handled it well, so that's good...

I'm with T-Gal on this one... I mean I understand space constraints and the like but to not allow your friends to bring their husbands is a bit baffling to me. Honestly it would come across as really odd to me particularly if I came to your wedding and saw your single friends with their flavor of the month there and moreso if I found out that you only allowed plus ones for those people that allowed you to bring one in the past. I mean maybe they had space and budget issues too so they could only allow married friends to bring spouses or something.

My point here is not to try and ban 'and guests' from my wedding. It's to not have total strrangers at my wedidng and to not go over maxium capacity at my wedding. I have a max. capacity of 80 as in 80 chairs, tent only seats 80 etc. I have 80 guests coming. That's all I can do. With that being said I would never ask my friend to leave their spouse at home so my friend could bring a flavor of the month date. Regardless of all that though I am actually friends with my friends spouses or know them in some capacity so I'd want them to be there too.

Calidaisy, it's totally your wedding so of course you can do whatever works best for you! I'm glad you were able to work it out with your friends. It sounds like you have some really great friends that are really understanding of your budget/space issues. That's really the best situation.

ETA: Sorry for the LONG post!

 

[zoebartlett]

Date: 8/14/2008 1:06:03 PM
Author: TravelingGal
Look, people should do what they want to do. Invite +1, don''t invite +1. It''s all fine and good depending on your circumstances. And no matter what, I do think it''s a breach of etiquette to invite an escort if you didn''t get a +1 invite.

I''ll tell you all the solution to the situation. Get married late. Then all your friends will already be married and you won''t have to worry about singles!

Very true! We were the last of our friends to get married, and if we were younger or had lots of single friends, I have a feeling we could have had to deal with this issue more than the three times we actually did.

 

[Pandora II]

Date: 8/15/2008 6:10:19 AM
Author: ZoeBartlett

Date: 8/14/2008 1:06:03 PM
Author: TravelingGal
Look, people should do what they want to do. Invite +1, don''t invite +1. It''s all fine and good depending on your circumstances. And no matter what, I do think it''s a breach of etiquette to invite an escort if you didn''t get a +1 invite.

I''ll tell you all the solution to the situation. Get married late. Then all your friends will already be married and you won''t have to worry about singles!

Very true! We were the last of our friends to get married, and if we were younger or had lots of single friends, I have a feeling we could have had to deal with this issue more than the three times we actually did.

Ditto, we''re in our mid 30''s and all but about 4 of our friends are either married or engaged.

 

[calidaisy]

TGal and Violet,

let me clarify. i know my way of cutting guests is very unconventional but here is the whole story. of the maximum 120 guests we can accomodate at our reception site, fi and i decided to allocate 70 to my side and 50 to his. of the 70 seats i have, 45 is allocated to family and parents' friends.

with the 25 i have for friends, i couldn't limit to 12~13 friends with their +1. so, i decided to invite OOT friends or friends who invited me to their weddings with my +1 (= my fi) with their spouses.

4 friends i asked to come sans spouse all know each other and they will be seated in a table with my other girlfriends who for one reason or another (i.e. hubby can't take time off from work; marriage going through a trial separation; etc) will be coming solo. since these friends will be sitting in a table with other married women who came alone, i don't think anyone will feel awkward or left out.

the 2 single people who are bringing their "flavor of the month" are fi's close friends (thus, using up fi's allocation), my friends who were asked to not bring their hubbies have never met these people, and unlike my friends who were asked to not bring their spouses, these single people don't really know anyone at the wedding. i really would've felt bad for them if they came alone and just quietly ate and left.

i know my actions may sound spiteful and may not even make sense to most people but i did think about it and did ask with sincerity (if they or the spouse felt strongly about being invited i would have done so) and my friends (and their spouse) were good sport about it. i think part of the reason they were ok with coming solo was it's a lunch reception but nevertheless, i feel blessed to have great friends who are understanding to my space/ budget limitations.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 8/15/2008 1:53:28 PM
Author: calidaisy

TGal and Violet,

let me clarify. i know my way of cutting guests is very unconventional but here is the whole story. of the maximum 120 guests we can accomodate at our reception site, fi and i decided to allocate 70 to my side and 50 to his. of the 70 seats i have, 45 is allocated to family and parents'' friends.

with the 25 i have for friends, i couldn''t limit to 12~13 friends with their +1. so, i decided to invite OOT friends or friends who invited me to their weddings with my +1 (= my fi) with their spouses.

4 friends i asked to come sans spouse all know each other and they will be seated in a table with my other girlfriends who for one reason or another (i.e. hubby can''t take time off from work; marriage going through a trial separation; etc) will be coming solo. since these friends will be sitting in a table with other married women who came alone, i don''t think anyone will feel awkward or left out.

the 2 single people who are bringing their ''flavor of the month'' are fi''s close friends (thus, using up fi''s allocation), my friends who were asked to not bring their hubbies have never met these people, and unlike my friends who were asked to not bring their spouses, these single people don''t really know anyone at the wedding. i really would''ve felt bad for them if they came alone and just quietly ate and left.

i know my actions may sound spiteful and may not even make sense to most people but i did think about it and did ask with sincerity (if they or the spouse felt strongly about being invited i would have done so) and my friends (and their spouse) were good sport about it. i think part of the reason they were ok with coming solo was it''s a lunch reception but nevertheless, i feel blessed to have great friends who are understanding to my space/ budget limitations.

It''s nice of you to clarify. Your friends sound very gracious and they must have sensed your sincerity. Have a great wedding!