Ladies - Did you change your last name?

[TravelingGal]

I was thrilled to swap my very distinctive, long, hyphenated surname for his short, more anonymous one.

I have a very close family friend who did the same thing. Her maiden name was hyphenated, very long, and each of the two names in it began with McC. (Imagine "McCaffery-McCullen"--not exactly it, but the same sort of mouthful. She was thrilled to drop her maiden name and take on her husband's four-letter surname when they married. It's funny to say her name in both of its forms because the difference is so striking.

These discussions are always very interesting to me because I just don't relate to the feelings so many express about the connection between name and identity. I'm not sure why, and one way is certainly not better than the other.

I also find it interesting that people in general (not necessarily in our discussions here) tend to make judgments about women based on the decision they make in this situation. There always seems to be comments about how more educated or outwardly successful women tend to make one choice while less educated make another. Or, that dropping your maiden name says something about your independence or strength or yadda yadda yadda. I think people on PS are too polite to really say what they think in terms of these matters, but whenever this discussion comes up IRL the judgments are always there, and people are more forthright about making them.

I don't put much stock into using this choice to tell me anything important about an individual, because in my mind it isn't really all that important. I prefer to look at people's behaviors for those types of insights. But I do think it's fascinating, what people really believe about how much this choice reveals about an individual.

I really don't care WHAT women do. It just annoys me when they want to do one thing, and have a future "partner" who absolutely forbids it and then they are at a loss of what to do. I totally get that many men want a wife with the same name. I have no problem with that either! But when it becomes a black and white thing, where the woman doesn't get to have a say in her own name, I shake my head.

I don't think more educated (blah blah blah) women keep their name, but I do see a trend where women who are older and more established think twice about changing. If I had gotten married younger and had no career set yet, then I may have leaned less toward keeping my name (I doubt it, but you never know.)

I think independence and strength are about making sound choices for your life. One of them include who you plan to live the rest of your life with. And if this said person won't even CONSIDER you keeping your maiden name, if that's what you so DESIRE, then I think it may not be a sound choice to be with that person - and might say something about your independence and strength.

 

[Haven]

I was thrilled to swap my very distinctive, long, hyphenated surname for his short, more anonymous one.

I have a very close family friend who did the same thing. Her maiden name was hyphenated, very long, and each of the two names in it began with McC. (Imagine "McCaffery-McCullen"--not exactly it, but the same sort of mouthful. She was thrilled to drop her maiden name and take on her husband's four-letter surname when they married. It's funny to say her name in both of its forms because the difference is so striking.

These discussions are always very interesting to me because I just don't relate to the feelings so many express about the connection between name and identity. I'm not sure why, and one way is certainly not better than the other.

I also find it interesting that people in general (not necessarily in our discussions here) tend to make judgments about women based on the decision they make in this situation. There always seems to be comments about how more educated or outwardly successful women tend to make one choice while less educated make another. Or, that dropping your maiden name says something about your independence or strength or yadda yadda yadda. I think people on PS are too polite to really say what they think in terms of these matters, but whenever this discussion comes up IRL the judgments are always there, and people are more forthright about making them.

I don't put much stock into using this choice to tell me anything important about an individual, because in my mind it isn't really all that important. I prefer to look at people's behaviors for those types of insights. But I do think it's fascinating, what people really believe about how much this choice reveals about an individual.

I did not mean to offend you Haven. Personally, I earned a doctor degree under my maiden name and that was and is how my patients and colleagues know me. This choice had nothing to do with how smart or dumb I am in any way. My sister changed her name because she wanted to have the same last name as her children. She has as many degrees as I do so again just to reiterate, my choice had nothing to do with feeling smarter or more superior to anyone else. I just noted for the purpose of this discussion though that all my friends with post graduate degrees kept their maiden names and while we never discussed the reasons why it was most likely for the same reason I did. My dh never even wanted me to change my maiden name so it worked out well for us.

Missy--Thank you for your response, but I wasn't responding to your post when I wrote mine. I promise.
When I say I find this interesting, I'm being forthright. I don't find it offensive when people make a particular judgment about my choice, probably because I'm comfortable with my choice and I'm not worried about making other people happy, in general.

I have a general interest about the conclusions we draw about others based on their choices, especially when those choices aren't ones that say anything particularly interesting about them in my opinion. I think it's natural to judge others, and I think it serves thea very real purpose of helping us understand and feel good about the choices we make for ourselves in our own lives. For me, it really gets interesting when the judgments come out about things that seem like non-issues to me. This topic is a good example of that.

I've learned a lot about myself after reflecting on the ways my own reactions differ from others, and a lot of that insight has come from discussions on PS. Very interesting stuff, here.

 

[Haven]

I was thrilled to swap my very distinctive, long, hyphenated surname for his short, more anonymous one.

I have a very close family friend who did the same thing. Her maiden name was hyphenated, very long, and each of the two names in it began with McC. (Imagine "McCaffery-McCullen"--not exactly it, but the same sort of mouthful. She was thrilled to drop her maiden name and take on her husband's four-letter surname when they married. It's funny to say her name in both of its forms because the difference is so striking.

These discussions are always very interesting to me because I just don't relate to the feelings so many express about the connection between name and identity. I'm not sure why, and one way is certainly not better than the other.

I also find it interesting that people in general (not necessarily in our discussions here) tend to make judgments about women based on the decision they make in this situation. There always seems to be comments about how more educated or outwardly successful women tend to make one choice while less educated make another. Or, that dropping your maiden name says something about your independence or strength or yadda yadda yadda. I think people on PS are too polite to really say what they think in terms of these matters, but whenever this discussion comes up IRL the judgments are always there, and people are more forthright about making them.

I don't put much stock into using this choice to tell me anything important about an individual, because in my mind it isn't really all that important. I prefer to look at people's behaviors for those types of insights. But I do think it's fascinating, what people really believe about how much this choice reveals about an individual.

I really don't care WHAT women do. It just annoys me when they want to do one thing, and have a future "partner" who absolutely forbids it and then they are at a loss of what to do. I totally get that many men want a wife with the same name. I have no problem with that either! But when it becomes a black and white thing, where the woman doesn't get to have a say in her own name, I shake my head.

I don't think more educated (blah blah blah) women keep their name, but I do see a trend where women who are older and more established think twice about changing. If I had gotten married younger and had no career set yet, then I may have leaned less toward keeping my name (I doubt it, but you never know.)

I think independence and strength are about making sound choices for your life. One of them include who you plan to live the rest of your life with. And if this said person won't even CONSIDER you keeping your maiden name, if that's what you so DESIRE, then I think it may not be a sound choice to be with that person - and might say something about your independence and strength.

I completely agree with you, TGal.

I didn't comment much on the OP's situation because I have some strong feelings about it, and wasn't sure I could express them without sounding offensive. Others have expressed my sentiments, in much more reasonable language, so I just thought I'd answer her question, instead.

 

[OCgirl]

I was thrilled to swap my very distinctive, long, hyphenated surname for his short, more anonymous one.

I have a very close family friend who did the same thing. Her maiden name was hyphenated, very long, and each of the two names in it began with McC. (Imagine "McCaffery-McCullen"--not exactly it, but the same sort of mouthful. She was thrilled to drop her maiden name and take on her husband's four-letter surname when they married. It's funny to say her name in both of its forms because the difference is so striking.

These discussions are always very interesting to me because I just don't relate to the feelings so many express about the connection between name and identity. I'm not sure why, and one way is certainly not better than the other.

I also find it interesting that people in general (not necessarily in our discussions here) tend to make judgments about women based on the decision they make in this situation. There always seems to be comments about how more educated or outwardly successful women tend to make one choice while less educated make another. Or, that dropping your maiden name says something about your independence or strength or yadda yadda yadda. I think people on PS are too polite to really say what they think in terms of these matters, but whenever this discussion comes up IRL the judgments are always there, and people are more forthright about making them.

I don't put much stock into using this choice to tell me anything important about an individual, because in my mind it isn't really all that important. I prefer to look at people's behaviors for those types of insights. But I do think it's fascinating, what people really believe about how much this choice reveals about an individual.

I really don't care WHAT women do. It just annoys me when they want to do one thing, and have a future "partner" who absolutely forbids it and then they are at a loss of what to do. I totally get that many men want a wife with the same name. I have no problem with that either! But when it becomes a black and white thing, where the woman doesn't get to have a say in her own name, I shake my head.

I don't think more educated (blah blah blah) women keep their name, but I do see a trend where women who are older and more established think twice about changing. If I had gotten married younger and had no career set yet, then I may have leaned less toward keeping my name (I doubt it, but you never know.)

I think independence and strength are about making sound choices for your life. One of them include who you plan to live the rest of your life with. And if this said person won't even CONSIDER you keeping your maiden name, if that's what you so DESIRE, then I think it may not be a sound choice to be with that person - and might say something about your independence and strength.

I think that IS the general perception of the public though. When I told my coworker I won't be changing my name, his comments were, "Wow look at Miss Independence!!!" I mean, I wasn't offended by it because I know he's a super nice guy (and traditional). It just makes me think about how people perceive you base on your choices and actions (especially those that are *not the norm*). I also understand why they see it that way but the truth is I think everyone has her own reasons. It bugs me that people judge you and slap a "feminist" or "miss independence" label on you (whether with negative connotation or not). I think I get that even more when I mention to people that I think having kids is an *option* not a *must", but that's a whole another discussion altogether

 

[Octavia]

At least I'm married to someone who realized it was my choice. I was talking to my European coworkers, one who is English (not that that means anything) and he said, "It never even occured to me that my wife wouldn't change her name to mine." REALLY? My boss, who is 60+ years old once told me "it's [name change] is what you do." A Japanese coworker of mine recently got married after a long engagement. She's 40 years old and was considering changing her name as she's married to an American living in America. The rest of my coworkers are all men and told her she should change. I said, do you like your name? Do you want to change? It's YOUR name, you choose what you'd like! Have to say, I was happy to hear she did not change it!

Oh, and I despise Mrs. too. I like Ms. Keeps me feeling young.

TGal, it is really interesting to see cultural differences on the subject. This is the reason I give DH a little latitude on the name issue rather than saying "he doesn't respect me because he wanted me to take his name." Where he is from, women don't have the option not to take their husbands' names. In recent years, women have been permitted to double-barrel if they are willing to take on the hassle of getting approval to do so, but it is actually against the law for a married woman to just keep her own name. So his attitude is a little more understandable (though the practice there is still not acceptable IMO). His family was a little taken aback and I do think it affected the way they think of me -- as an olive branch, I actually told him I would go by his name when we visit his family but he thought it would be too confusing -- but in the end, I am not of that culture and don't feel bound by it.

 

[Lottie]

I changed mine. I wanted us, when we had children to all share the same last name as a family unit. I have a brother so my maiden name does not end with my parents and a side benefit is that it has made me virtually unfindable on Facebook to all those oddballs who try and 'friend' every person they were ever at school with.

 

[stepcutnut]

I have always found this to be such an interesting topic.

I did not change my name.

It was never an option to change my name, as it is MY name and who I am. The subject was never even brought up between my hubby and I until we were going to get our marriage license. He told me he didn't have a preference either way and it was totally up to me, which I have always appreciated(not that it made any difference, just nice to know it didn't bother him in the slightest). He said he never understood having to give up your name just because you get married.

I have had lots of interesting comments about this decision from family, friends and even perfect strangers---at first those comments bothered me a little, but now I shut them down very quickly if they are negative.

I don't mind in my personal life if we are called The HisLastName 's or even My First His Last, but I hate being called Mr. and Mrs. HisFirst and HisLastname and I despise being called Ma'am!

To the OP-if it is something you feel strongly about, you and your SO really need to have a serious talk---this could really lead to alot of resentment on both ends!

 

[OCgirl]

I have always found this to be such an interesting topic.

I did not change my name.

It was never an option to change my name, as it is MY name and who I am. The subject was never even brought up between my hubby and I until we were going to get our marriage license. He told me he didn't have a preference either way and it was totally up to me, which I have always appreciated(not that it made any difference, just nice to know it didn't bother him in the slightest). He said he never understood having to give up your name just because you get married.

I have had lots of interesting comments about this decision from family, friends and even perfect strangers---at first those comments bothered me a little, but now I shut them down very quickly if they are negative.

I don't mind in my personal life if we are called The HisLastName 's or even My First His Last, but I hate being called Mr. and Mrs. HisFirst and HisLastname and I despise being called Ma'am!

To the OP-if it is something you feel strongly about, you and your SO really need to have a serious talk---this could really lead to alot of resentment on both ends!

What are some of the good ways to "shut people down" when they start being negative?

I think my fiance has come to terms with it. He said initially it never occured to him that I would not want to change my name (which surprised me). And it somewhat infuriated me that he would think my name is not important to me. Now his tone is he said he would be happy/thrilled if I decide to take his name but he's okay if I don't. But we definitely didn't get a good head start on this topic

 

[monarch64]

I will be changing mine. I haven't gotten around to it yet because it is such a PITA to do, but I will do so before I deliver our daughter. I would like us all to have the same last name. I see all sides of the debate and I think there are a lot of good points made each time we have a thread on this topic. For me, I'm not so attached to my maiden name as I am my first. My husband was really adamant that I change my last name when we were joking about getting engaged early on in our relationship. I thought it was weird at the time but it's just a personal quirk of his, nothing more. I don't feel all oppressed or anything!

 

[Jennifer W]

I was thrilled to swap my very distinctive, long, hyphenated surname for his short, more anonymous one.

Growing up in the UK with a hypenated surname everyone automatically assumed I was rich/posh/snobby before they even met me - nowadays hypenated surnames are more common due to the number of single parents/people who just live together so it's probably not as bad, but even so I wouldn't inflict it on my children.

Maybe I'm old-fashioned but I wanted us to all have the same surname. I also cannot bear to be addressed as 'Ms', I am 'Mrs'.

In my last job I sent out a lot of formal mail - faced with upsetting people whichever way I addressed things I decided to upset whilst being academically correct so I sent invitations to Mr and Mrs John Smith.

For all those who are hypenating now, I'll be interested to see what your future children do - if they also decide to merge names do they have 4 barrelled or do they pick the half they like best of does daddy's name take precedence over mummy's?

I have the opposite. I do not answer to Mrs. It makes my skin crawl and sets my teeth on edge. I have no idea why it horrifies me so much, but I have a most visceral reaction to it. I correct it every time, it's like a reflex. It makes me spit and snarl.

Jennifer, I love the way you describe things -- I feel exactly the same way but couldn't put it in such expressive terms.

LOL! THank you. I actually think TGal put it better though! Huge ditto to her on all of it. Smart lady, our TGal.

 

[Clairitek]

I forgot to mention this little tidbit that just makes me laugh now. The ring has barely been pushed onto my finger when my MIL blurts out, "Are you going to change your last name?"

My father's jaw just about hit the table (DH proposed over Thanksgiving dinner).

Kind of sums up our parents' views on the name change thing.

Though my MIL has admitted to me (not in front of FIL) that she sometimes misses her distinctive french last name that matches her french first name so nicely. My DH's last name is very very common in comparison and also culturally distinctive. Oddly, his last name goes perfectly with my first name as my first name is fairly common in the country of origin of his last name (which I have listed second in my hyphenation).

 

[deorwine]

I did not change my name. The reasons I give people are a) it's distinctive and I like that, b) I have academic papers written under that name and c) it's culturally significant. The real reasons probably boil down to a) I'm lazy as all heck and didn't want to go through it, and more importantly, b) it's my name. My husband didn't give me any flak either way. I think he might have slightly preferred me to change it, but he totally understood the reasons why I didn't (and honestly, the academic paper reason alone would have been enough for him, as he has academic training too).

However, I did change all my social correspondence, e.g., my email name is now MyFirstname Mylastname Hislastname, and our Christmas cards go out under HusbandName and MyFirstName Mylastname Hislastname. As for those who worry about their family sharing a name, our daughter's middle name is my last name, so we both share names with her. (My husband pushed back a lot harder about the middle name, actually; his family tradition doesn't include giving surnames as middle names, whereas practically all my friends did the same thing.)

Relating to the judgment thing: several people at work, when they found out that I wouldn't be changing my mind, said things along the lines of, "Wow, I totally didn't think you were that sort of person!" I never asked them to elaborate (I'm not sure I wanted them to!) so I never found out what they meant by that, but apparently my co-workers think I'm really traditional/conservative or something; I would have thought that the facts I have a doctorate in my field and am doing more project management than my husband might clue them in that I might not always do the traditional thing, but apparently not. On the other hand, I'm the only woman at the company who didn't change my name when I got married, so it might just be that they were surprised given that everyone else was doing it.

Interestingly, my sister was really eager to change her name. She doesn't like that it's distinctive and hard to spell, which is funny because the distinctiveness is one the things I really like about it.

 

[OCgirl]

I did not change my name. The reasons I give people are a) it's distinctive and I like that, b) I have academic papers written under that name and c) it's culturally significant. The real reasons probably boil down to a) I'm lazy as all heck and didn't want to go through it, and more importantly, b) it's my name. My husband didn't give me any flak either way. I think he might have slightly preferred me to change it, but he totally understood the reasons why I didn't (and honestly, the academic paper reason alone would have been enough for him, as he has academic training too).

However, I did change all my social correspondence, e.g., my email name is now MyFirstname Mylastname Hislastname, and our Christmas cards go out under HusbandName and MyFirstName Mylastname Hislastname. As for those who worry about their family sharing a name, our daughter's middle name is my last name, so we both share names with her. (My husband pushed back a lot harder about the middle name, actually; his family tradition doesn't include giving surnames as middle names, whereas practically all my friends did the same thing.)

Relating to the judgment thing: several people at work, when they found out that I wouldn't be changing my mind, said things along the lines of, "Wow, I totally didn't think you were that sort of person!" I never asked them to elaborate (I'm not sure I wanted them to!) so I never found out what they meant by that, but apparently my co-workers think I'm really traditional/conservative or something; I would have thought that the facts I have a doctorate in my field and am doing more project management than my husband might clue them in that I might not always do the traditional thing, but apparently not. On the other hand, I'm the only woman at the company who didn't change my name when I got married, so it might just be that they were surprised given that everyone else was doing it.

Interestingly, my sister was really eager to change her name. She doesn't like that it's distinctive and hard to spell, which is funny because the distinctiveness is one the things I really like about it.

I honestly don't get why changing or not changing your name links you to the "kind of person" you are. People are seriously so judgmental.

 

[deorwine]

I honestly don't get why changing or not changing your name links you to the "kind of person" you are. People are seriously so judgmental.

To be perfectly fair, I can kind of see that it does have something to do with the sort of person I am. I don't call myself a feminist, but I definitely have very pronounced feminist tendencies in the sense of feeling that I should be equal to my husband, and men and women should be equal in general -- and part of that means that if men aren't expected to change their names, then I don't see why I should either. And that's something that is a fairly big part of my personality.

On the other hand, I don't really talk about that stuff much with people I'm not close to, and I probably come across in conversation as quiet and more-or-less traditional, I guess? But yeah, I never asked them to elaborate on what they meant because I wasn't sure I wanted to know

 

[Circe]

I kept my name - for one thing, I'm the only child of only children (families wiped out in the Holocaust), and for another, I got married after I'd established a professional reputation. And for a third ... the tradition of name-changing has always struck me as a way to erase women from history, and it irks me.

Example? For years, my dad has told me about a relative, Yakov Avram Gitman, who emigrated from Russia to England in 1905. He used to mention, when he told the story, that good old great-uncle Yakov had run one of the first small all-purpose shops in the city, and that he'd married his shop-keeper ... and that when he died in the 1930s, he left something to each member of my dad's at-the-time fairly large family, which they'd been unable to claim because, well - USSR.

So, half out of respect, and half out of curiosity for compound interest, the last time I was in London I made my way to the records office to look up uncle Yakov. No Yakov Avram Gitman ... but there was a Jacob Abraham Goodman with the same death-date, survived by his wife Rebecca.

(We're not even going to start on assimilation, but needless to say, I have similar feelings there.)

And there the story ends, because while I looked through every single tome of the deceased in the office through the 1970s (and, dear god, was it depressing to watch them get thicker and thicker over the course of WWII), it looks like Great-Aunty Rebecca must have remarried at some point. That, or she was a vampire - because she's not listed, and essentially disappeared from history under that "identity" when he died.

I would prefer not to disappear from history, or to have to start anew upon marriage. The first half of my life counts, too.

 

[Octavia]

What are some of the good ways to "shut people down" when they start being negative?

I don't give people the opportunity to "be negative" anymore. When we were engaged and people asked what I planned to do, and for awhile after we got married, I felt like I had to explain my decision. But you know what? I don't. Not unless I want to (like here) and not to any old person who happens to ask. So now, when people say, "did you take your husband's name?" I simply respond, pleasantly, with "no, I didn't." Full stop. Sometimes there's a bit of an awkward pause afterward because they are either waiting for me to give more details or want to ask but are afraid it would be rude, but when they realize it's not really a topic of conversation, the moment passes. The exception is when people approve and say "good for you, I wish I had done that, etc" -- but the majority of people who don't approve are still not brazen enough to question me about it to my face. Once I realized this, it has become a total non-issue.

 

[OCgirl]

What are some of the good ways to "shut people down" when they start being negative?

I don't give people the opportunity to "be negative" anymore. When we were engaged and people asked what I planned to do, and for awhile after we got married, I felt like I had to explain my decision. But you know what? I don't. Not unless I want to (like here) and not to any old person who happens to ask. So now, when people say, "did you take your husband's name?" I simply respond, pleasantly, with "no, I didn't." Full stop. Sometimes there's a bit of an awkward pause afterward because they are either waiting for me to give more details or want to ask but are afraid it would be rude, but when they realize it's not really a topic of conversation, the moment passes. The exception is when people approve and say "good for you, I wish I had done that, etc" -- but the majority of people who don't approve are still not brazen enough to question me about it to my face. Once I realized this, it has become a total non-issue.

I think that's a good point. I still have a hard time NOT trying to explain myself. I feel obligated to fill the silence/long pause after I say, "no i am not!" I feel PEOPLE think I am obligated to explain myself It's just something I need to learn to forget and let go. So hard to be a woman

 

[TravelingGal]

I would prefer not to disappear from history, or to have to start anew upon marriage. The first half of my life counts, too.

Well said Circe.

The first half my life (pre marriage) built my character.

The second of my life (post marriage) I assume will only build my patience levels.

 

[amc80]

I would prefer not to disappear from history, or to have to start anew upon marriage. The first half of my life counts, too.

Well said Circe.

The first half my life (pre marriage) built my character.

The second of my life (post marriage) I assume will only build my patience levels.

I guess I don't see how changing your name is giving up who you are or what you've accomplished. I earned my masters degree before I was married. I have a different name now, but I still earned the degree. It's still mine.

ETA and remotely off topic- Any Friends fans remember when Phoebe was changing her name? She didn't realize she could change her entire name...so she wanted to go with Princess Consuela Bananahammock. Her husband told her if she was going to do that then he was changing his name to Crap Bag.

 

[onedrop]

This thread has been a very interesting read. What I realized after reading all of the posts is that there are all sorts of reasons why a woman will or will not change her name after marriage. Name changing is not something I ever really spend a lot of time thinking about in reference to other people. I just figure everyone does what works best for them. I do have to echo the sentiments of those who have issues with women being forced (or coerced) to change their names by their SOs after marriage. The thought of that makes me really uneasy.

To answer the question at hand, I did change my name to add his and I am hyphenated. At work and in the professional arena I have not changed my name, and have no plans to do so. My hubby and I are an intercultural couple and so I have an "Americanized" maiden name and a less "Americanized" name smushed together which is kind of interesting. However, I actually regret changing my name and wish that I'd just kept my maiden name. It's what's done in his culture anyway. The biggest problem I have is that people cannot, I repeat cannot, pronounce his name correctly. It's accented and looks easy to say but people butcher it anyway. I love his name, but it's a pain having to correct people all the time.

 

[Octavia]

What are some of the good ways to "shut people down" when they start being negative?

I don't give people the opportunity to "be negative" anymore. When we were engaged and people asked what I planned to do, and for awhile after we got married, I felt like I had to explain my decision. But you know what? I don't. Not unless I want to (like here) and not to any old person who happens to ask. So now, when people say, "did you take your husband's name?" I simply respond, pleasantly, with "no, I didn't." Full stop. Sometimes there's a bit of an awkward pause afterward because they are either waiting for me to give more details or want to ask but are afraid it would be rude, but when they realize it's not really a topic of conversation, the moment passes. The exception is when people approve and say "good for you, I wish I had done that, etc" -- but the majority of people who don't approve are still not brazen enough to question me about it to my face. Once I realized this, it has become a total non-issue.

I think that's a good point. I still have a hard time NOT trying to explain myself. I feel obligated to fill the silence/long pause after I say, "no i am not!" I feel PEOPLE think I am obligated to explain myself It's just something I need to learn to forget and let go. So hard to be a woman

Oh, I do still feel it, I just don't do it. The tipping point for me was accidental, as I was talking to the father of a foreign friend of ours who asked me, and after I said no, I was trying to figure out how to phrase my explanation (his English was pretty good but not quite fluent). I guess I took too long and he just changed the conversation to some other topic, and it was like a lightbulb went off in my head. It takes some internal adjustment to shake off the need to justify yourself, but it's worth it (and can be a good skill to carry over into work and other aspects of daily life!).

 

[Echidna]

My husband didn't give me any flak either way. I think he might have slightly preferred me to change it, but he totally understood the reasons why I didn't (and honestly, the academic paper reason alone would have been enough for him, as he has academic training too).

I tried to explain this one to DH too, but he completely did not think it was an issue (and he was a PhD student at the time!). The ironic thing here is that his mother is actually PhD-qualified too, so in changing my name to Dr Y I share my MIL's name. Plus, my DH's first initial is the same as mine and we work at the same uni. Talk about keeping it in the family

OCgirl, I like Octavia's suggestion that you try not to feel compelled to explain. I always do, so this is a new thing I'm trying out!

 

[OCgirl]

My husband didn't give me any flak either way. I think he might have slightly preferred me to change it, but he totally understood the reasons why I didn't (and honestly, the academic paper reason alone would have been enough for him, as he has academic training too).

I tried to explain this one to DH too, but he completely did not think it was an issue (and he was a PhD student at the time!). The ironic thing here is that his mother is actually PhD-qualified too, so in changing my name to Dr Y I share my MIL's name. Plus, my DH's first initial is the same as mine and we work at the same uni. Talk about keeping it in the family

OCgirl, I like Octavia's suggestion that you try not to feel compelled to explain. I always do, so this is a new thing I'm trying out!

It is so hard. I am already practicing it in my head right now at work. Even in my head I'm struggling to stop at, "No I am not." Dear lord..............

 

[Echidna]

My husband didn't give me any flak either way. I think he might have slightly preferred me to change it, but he totally understood the reasons why I didn't (and honestly, the academic paper reason alone would have been enough for him, as he has academic training too).

I tried to explain this one to DH too, but he completely did not think it was an issue (and he was a PhD student at the time!). The ironic thing here is that his mother is actually PhD-qualified too, so in changing my name to Dr Y I share my MIL's name. Plus, my DH's first initial is the same as mine and we work at the same uni. Talk about keeping it in the family

OCgirl, I like Octavia's suggestion that you try not to feel compelled to explain. I always do, so this is a new thing I'm trying out!

It is so hard. I am already practicing it in my head right now at work. Even in my head I'm struggling to stop at, "No I am not." Dear lord..............

I think you could end with a big smile too- you're so happy with your choice you DEFY anyone who might ask more questions!

 

[Circe]

I would prefer not to disappear from history, or to have to start anew upon marriage. The first half of my life counts, too.

Well said Circe.

The first half my life (pre marriage) built my character.

The second of my life (post marriage) I assume will only build my patience levels.

I guess I don't see how changing your name is giving up who you are or what you've accomplished. I earned my masters degree before I was married. I have a different name now, but I still earned the degree. It's still mine.

ETA and remotely off topic- Any Friends fans remember when Phoebe was changing her name? She didn't realize she could change her entire name...so she wanted to go with Princess Consuela Bananahammock. Her husband told her if she was going to do that then he was changing his name to Crap Bag.

Er ... apologies if I was unclear: I'm not raising abstract, philosophical objections here. A woman's accomplishments are her own no matter what her name (Dr. Princess Bananahammock? perhaps? ) What I'm saying is that it's been very difficult for researchers to track women's lives through history, because there's no continuity. Women disappear out of history when their names change.

Let's put it like this: having worked hard to publish and leave my mark as Circe Russian-Jewish Name, I'd find it a little dispiriting to basically start over as Circe Swedish Name who appeared out of nowhere, from the perspective of great-great-great grandkids trying to figure out where they came from.

ETA: Thanks, TG - and no kidding!

 

[amc80]

Er ... apologies if I was unclear: I'm not raising abstract, philosophical objections here. A woman's accomplishments are her own no matter what her name (Dr. Princess Bananahammock? perhaps? ) What I'm saying is that it's been very difficult for researchers to track women's lives through history, because there's no continuity. Women disappear out of history when their names change.

Let's put it like this: having worked hard to publish and leave my mark as Circe Russian-Jewish Name, I'd find it a little dispiriting to basically start over as Circe Swedish Name who appeared out of nowhere, from the perspective of great-great-great grandkids trying to figure out where they came from.

ETA: Thanks, TG - and no kidding!

I can see what you're saying, going way back. But talking about the here and now, I don't really see it as a huge issue. If in 200 years someone is searching for me, they'd be able to find my marriage certificate, which has my maiden name, and then go from there.

BTW your story about your uncle is really cool. Have you ever taken more time to look into it? My great grandparents had a Polish name (although they were Russian) and chopped of the "ski" ending when they came to the U.S.

 

[Circe]

No, not yet - at this point I think I'd need to either hire a private detective in London (NOT going to happen), or, more likely, visit Russia to get access to back issues of the main Russian newspaper of the time used by immigrants and do the footwork myself. I will admit, I AM curious about his life, so one of these days ....

 

[Gypsy]

Yes, I really didn't consider not taking it. One day I asked DH about changing my name and he said he would be fine either way, whatever made me happy Not that I wouldn't, I was just curious if it was important to him. It did take me about 8 months to get it done though, I was so busy with work I didn't have time. I'm so glad I did it, I love sharing our last name together.

See this is fine with me. As long as it's the woman's choice, I certainly don't look down to anyone who has taken their husband's name.



Funny facts.

My DH originally was offended that I would not take his name. Why? Because I hate my dad and in my teens I wanted to change my last name legally from his to my moms. He was offended that I would rather keep my dad's last name over changing it his.

He got over it and apologized, all on his own, and said I could chose.

I recently was considering changing it, 3+ years after our wedding. But... nope. I'm keeping it. I'm me.

 

[Scorpioanne]

I just added his name behind mine, so I legally have 2 last names no hyphen. This solved all of our problems as all my premarriage stuff is still valid, and we still share a last name. The best thing is Mrs. Mine His is not the same name as my MIL Mrs.His.

This is what I did. My case is very complicated and I am sure I have shared it before.

 

[rainwood]

Whenever anyone has asked me why I hyphenated or anything else personal that I shouldn't have to explain, I just say "Because it's what felt right for me." It's hard to argue with that. Few people venture beyond that point, but if they do, I say "It just felt right." Again, nothing to dispute. The key is not to get defensive. If anyone persisted after that (no one ever did), I'd probably ask (in a non-defensive way) "Why is this so important to you?" I think most people would say "Oh, it's not. I was just interested" and the best answer to that is "Oh, okay" and either move on to another topic, like the weather, or say "There's ____. I need to go talk to her for a minute" and move on.