Ladies - Did you change your last name?

[OCgirl]

Did you change your last name after you got married? Why or why not?

Last week out of the blue my coworker asked me if I am going to change my last name after I get married (I am engaged). I jokingly said to save company some resources (name tags, email change...etc) I will be keeping my last name. He said, "Wow that's outrageous!" I know he was totally kidding but that made me think back to my quite a few (unpleasant) conversations with my fiance. The deal is he wants me to change my last name. He said he's *disappointed* that I don't feel the same way and he feels he and his family are not *respected* if I don't. He's a lot more traditional than me. I don't see how changing my last name is he *respecting* MY last name. Anyway but I guess it comes down to how you *feel*.

I just feel like it's my name and I've lived with it for so many years. I don't see why I have to part with it just because I'm a girl.

I am sure this has been discussed before but what are the different views on this subject?

Interestingly my fiance's mom didn't take his dad's last name (they are still happily married). She kept her maiden name.

 

[missy]

I kept my maiden name with my dh's support. It is a personal decision of course and I can see it both ways. I think the main issue comes into play if/when you have children because I could see wanting to share the same last name as your children. So that is something to consider and there is always the option of hyphenating so you can share both last names.

ETA: I agree with you about the respect thing btw. He should respect your wishes and your desire to keep your last name etc as well. It is a 2 way street. Maybe he should speak to his mother about this since she successfully kept her maiden name. Maybe she could offer him some insight on this.

 

[vc10um]

I changed my last name, but I was estranged from my father and was very happy to cut the last real non-genetic tie I had to him and his family.

Had we had a good relationship, I'm not sure how I would have felt when the time came...

 

[rubybeth]

There have been threads on this before, try searching 'name change' if you are curious, but I'll bite again (I'm sure I've posted on this subject before) as this is kind of a hot-button subject for me.

I did not want to change my name for a variety of reasons, and my then-fiancé wanted us to have the same last name. He honestly did not care what last name we had, as long as we both took it. He offered to take my last name, but he has the same first name as an uncle of mine, which I thought would be confusing, so we both took each other's last names, no hyphen. We have a rather long German-sounding double-barreled last name, both names are difficult to spell and understand over the phone, it doesn't play nice with many computer systems, but honestly... I wouldn't have it any other way. The important thing was that we came to a compromise on it. He fully understood why I was hesitant to ditch my last name entirely, and I could understand his desire for us to share a name.

 

[OCgirl]

I kept my maiden name with my dh's support. It is a personal decision of course and I can see it both ways. I think the main issue comes into play if/when you have children because I could see wanting to share the same last name as your children. So that is something to consider and there is always the option of hyphenating so you can share both last names.

ETA: I agree with you about the respect thing btw. He should respect your wishes and your desire to keep your last name etc as well. It is a 2 way street.

I would actually consider hyphenating but my fiance's last name is really long, hyphenating will make my last name.... not fit in most standard forms

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I changed my last name and kinda regret it. I do love having the same last name as my DD though.

 

[rubybeth]

I kept my maiden name with my dh's support. It is a personal decision of course and I can see it both ways. I think the main issue comes into play if/when you have children because I could see wanting to share the same last name as your children. So that is something to consider and there is always the option of hyphenating so you can share both last names.

ETA: I agree with you about the respect thing btw. He should respect your wishes and your desire to keep your last name etc as well. It is a 2 way street.

I would actually consider hyphenating but my fiance's last name is really long, hyphenating will make my last name.... not fit in most standard forms

If that's your only concern, I'd say hyphenate. Honestly, places won't change forms and computer systems until they are forced to with the number of people with supposedly 'non-standard' names.

 

[OCgirl]

There have been threads on this before, try searching 'name change' if you are curious, but I'll bite again (I'm sure I've posted on this subject before) as this is kind of a hot-button subject for me.

I did not want to change my name for a variety of reasons, and my then-fiancé wanted us to have the same last name. He honestly did not care what last name we had, as long as we both took it. He offered to take my last name, but he has the same first name as an uncle of mine, which I thought would be confusing, so we both took each other's last names, no hyphen. We have a rather long German-sounding double-barreled last name, both names are difficult to spell and understand over the phone, it doesn't play nice with many computer systems, but honestly... I wouldn't have it any other way. The important thing was that we came to a compromise on it. He fully understood why I was hesitant to ditch my last name entirely, and I could understand his desire for us to share a name.[/quote]

I think I understand his desire for us to share a name, but I guess I didn't appreciate how he doesn't seem to understand why I am hesitant to change mine. I would think most people are attached to what's *theirs*? My name was given by MY family. I think he also pointed out I will be "marrying into his family" now, another concept that I don't really accept. I do believe in the merging or coming together of two families, but no one is marrying INTO another's family.

 

[OCgirl]

I changed my last name and kinda regret it. I do love having the same last name as my DD though.

Did you have some doubts before you changed it? Or you thought about it after?

 

[ame]

I did, but slowly. My maiden name was my business reputation, so I just hyphenated for a while. I eventually dropped my maiden name, and eventually professionally most people just used my first name. My partners seriously had no idea what my last name was.

 

[Haven]

I changed my last name. I was excited to do it.

I have a tenuous relationship with my father, and absolutely NO relationship with any of his relatives. So, I wasn't exactly attached to my maiden name. I don't know how it would have been had my situation been different.

DH was not at all concerned about my choice. He was happy to support whatever I chose to do, and he did.

I do like sharing a last name with him, now. I have this great framed piece of artwork that is a very beautiful rendition of our surname in calligraphy. It's done in white ink on black paper, and I love it.

 

[Rhea]

I kept my single surname. He kept his double-barreled surname. We had no conversations about it with each other. I think we just assumed that we'd keep them. There was certainly no pressure by either party.

At one point, in the context of having children someday, I mentioned combining our names, but how do you combined 3 names without leaving one out? He has a favorite of his two names so if we have children we'd probably use his favorite of his two, plus mine. He admitted once, under intense questioning by me, that he doesn't like my surname, it's awkward and doesn't flow. I agree, but oh well, such is life!

 

[amc80]

I changed mine, and honestly, didn't consider not changing it. I'm fairly traditional, though, so maybe that's why. It was a GIANT pain in the butt to change it. I like having the same name as him, and I like knowing our children will have the same name as both of us.

 

[KristyDarling]

I was lucky - my husband totally didn't care if I took his last name or not. It just didn't feel right to change my name -- it would've felt like I was suddenly giving up part of my identity. Once, my kids asked me why my last name isn't the same as theirs, I just answered honestly that my name is my name, and I saw no reason why I should change it in order to "match" anyone else's. I said we're a family no matter what. They seemed to be OK with that response.

OP - you raised an excellent point that if "respect" for his family and name is his concern, then by the same token wouldn't YOUR last name deserve the exact same respect? I don't know your FI, but maybe he just needs *time* to adjust to the idea that his future wife may not take his name. I've had several friends go through similar, and in every case, their fiances came around after awhile.

 

[Maria D]

I changed to my DH's last name because my husband and I are both fairly traditional -- but it always kinda nagged at me. Not so much because I'm so close to my father's side of the family (I'm not), but because my maiden name is more uncommon than my married name and aesthetically I like it better. If I had wanted to keep my maiden name, DH wouldn't have been thrilled but he would have understood (we talked about it at the time).

We got married in 1989 and I changed my name on everything except my passport. It was only with my latest renewal last year that I finally changed to his last name on my passport. All these years I had booked flights in my maiden name to match the passport and now finally after 22 years of marriage I am officially Mrs. DH on all documents. Guess I had to make sure it was gonna last.

 

[sonnyjane]

I changed my last name, but then I made my maiden name my middle name to keep my maiden name alive. So I was Jane Elizabeth Smith and now I'm Jane Smith Jones (obviously not real name lol). The first year was tough. I'd say there was a "mourning period" for my maiden name and an adjustment period signing my new last name and remembering to tell people my new last name, but now that I've been married more than three years, I guess I've mostly forgotten about the transition and it's just second nature.

I'll say this: Changing your name is not a big deal, but your fiance's attitude about you basically having to take his last name bugs me! It would almost make me want to keep my maiden name out of spite lol!!! Then again, I guess it's not very good to start a marriage off with an act of spite, but his attitude really bothers me.

 

[Diamond*Dana]

I changed mine...I never gave it a second thought

 

[Autumnovember]

For a long time I was opposed to changing my last name. DH has 6 brothers and I have no boys in my family to carry on my last name so I felt that I needed to keep it. My family is really important to me so my last name has always been a big part of me. It wasn't until my dad told me that he absolutely did not care about my last name being different so I gave in and told DH that I would change it. We've been married for 5 months and I still haven't done it...I will when I find time I don't have a middle name so I've been toying with the idea of making my last name my middle name!

 

[Lotus99]

I've only half changed my name. Some things have one name, some things have the other. Because we got married a little later in life, I've had a hard time wrapping my head around having a different name.

Hubby made some cracks about it, and I still can't get whether he's serious about being offended or not. Even when I ask him straight out, I'm not sure I get a straight answer. He doesn't use his original surname, but that of a step-father who adopted him, so, his surname doesn't have a deep meaning for him.

The one that really bugs me is when my (older generation) mother addresses cards to "Mr. and Mrs. William Pricescoper." It feels as though I'm not even important enough to have my own first name. I realize some people still consider that form of referring to a couple to be correct, but it really rubs me the wrong way.

 

[OCgirl]

I was lucky - my husband totally didn't care if I took his last name or not. It just didn't feel right to change my name -- it would've felt like I was suddenly giving up part of my identity. Once, my kids asked me why my last name isn't the same as theirs, I just answered honestly that my name is my name, and I saw no reason why I should change it in order to "match" anyone else's. I said we're a family no matter what. They seemed to be OK with that response.

OP - you raised an excellent point that if "respect" for his family and name is his concern, then by the same token wouldn't YOUR last name deserve the exact same respect? I don't know your FI, but maybe he just needs *time* to adjust to the idea that his future wife may not take his name. I've had several friends go through similar, and in every case, their fiances came around after awhile.

I think you are right on the spot. My fiance is very traditional. I am totally the opposite. I was raised in a family of three girls and I am the oldest of the three. My dad did not ONCE make us think less of ourselves because we are girls. He tells us we are just as good if not better than boys My fiance is raised in a family of three BOYS and HE IS THE OLDEST!!! (you see the problem). I am still a lot more tough-headed when it comes to many things. I think I just didn't rub him the right way when I first brought up the subject so it left a sour taste after. I think before (and still sometimes now) I feel like if I compromise to *traditions* then that makes me weak and not *equal*. But I have come to realize these sentiments are not necessarily true. I just need to get it out of my head. But it's hard and that's why I need to hear what others have to say and have some discussions. Thank gals!

 

[Fly Girl]

Yes, I changed my name to his, and glad I did so. It may seem to be more work at first to change your name, but after 35+ years of marriage, I look back and see that it has really made life easier in the long run. And, keeping your maiden name was a really big deal when we got married, just as it is today.

 

[OCgirl]

I changed my last name, but then I made my maiden name my middle name to keep my maiden name alive. So I was Jane Elizabeth Smith and now I'm Jane Smith Jones (obviously not real name lol). The first year was tough. I'd say there was a "mourning period" for my maiden name and an adjustment period signing my new last name and remembering to tell people my new last name, but now that I've been married more than three years, I guess I've mostly forgotten about the transition and it's just second nature.

I'll say this: Changing your name is not a big deal, but your fiance's attitude about you basically having to take his last name bugs me! It would almost make me want to keep my maiden name out of spite lol!!! Then again, I guess it's not very good to start a marriage off with an act of spite, but his attitude really bothers me.

I know. I wasn't happy with his attitude and my tone made it very obvious. I think he was caught off guard. He probably thought all girls would jump at the chance to take their husbands' last names. He thinks sometimes I am too forward-thinking and he needs a lot of time to digest what I say. Some of the things I mention obviously have not even come across his mind; he just ASSUMES if people do it, then I'll do it.

I am not sure I feel firm on certain issues because I want to "spite" him or I want to prove a point. I guess at the end of the day it might all be the same. It's not going to work if neither party wants to compromise

 

[Enerchi]

I changed mine but that was back in 1985 when the trend seemed to be to hyphenate and that was NOT something that seemed appealing to either of us, and he had strong opinions that I should take his last name. I wish I'd kept my maiden name - it was a much more "sophisticated" name About 3 years ago when I had to renew my health card, I added my maiden name and now I feel more "ME" by including it. Odd thing is that now, 27 years later, DH is encouraging our daughter to keep her last name if she ever marries! HEY!! Wish you'd felt that way "back when"!!

To each his own - what works for some, won't work for others.

 

[OCgirl]

I changed mine but that was back in 1985 when the trend seemed to be to hyphenate and that was NOT something that seemed appealing to either of us, and he had strong opinions that I should take his last name. I wish I'd kept my maiden name - it was a much more "sophisticated" name About 3 years ago when I had to renew my health card, I added my maiden name and now I feel more "ME" by including it. Odd thing is that now, 27 years later, DH is encouraging our daughter to keep her last name if she ever marries! HEY!! Wish you'd felt that way "back when"!!

To each his own - what works for some, won't work for others.

My dad is totally the same. He wanted my mom to be a housewife. But he tells all his daughters to get higher degrees and pursue a career. I don't get it!

 

[Enerchi]

^^^ geesh...MEN!!!

I know, eh?? I guess its a function of the time we live in now - there is less expectation for women to *be* anything, so maybe that includes letting go of the last name thing??? who knows!

 

[Echidna]

I ended up changing my name. For a long time I thought I wouldn't, but then my parents got divorced (my mum kept her married surname for professional reasons) and my DH seemed to like the idea, so I did it. I was worried about losing my professional identity most of all, but that all seems to have gone pretty well. If I could have been one person professionally and one personally, I would have done that (but it wouldn't have worked).

The one thing that REALLY bugs me is being referred to as "Mrs NewLastName". I got my PhD before we married, so I went from Dr X to Dr Y. At our wedding we were even referred to once as Mr and Dr NewLastName. I was never, nor will ever be, a Mrs (and I realise that sounds pedantic and conceited but that's how I feel). THAT is the identity issue I have the biggest time wrapping my head around.

 

[OCgirl]

^^^ geesh...MEN!!!

I know, eh?? I guess its a function of the time we live in now - there is less expectation for women to *be* anything, so maybe that includes letting go of the last name thing??? who knows!

I am not sure. I think it's a confusing time/period/era for both men and women. A lot of women are equally if not more capable of men now. But let's admit it - most people are still fairly traditional when it comes to family values... etc. But some traditional values really conflict with feminist views (at least in my opinion). It's really not a matter of right/wrong, it's a matter of how you want to live your life. But no doubt these conflicting views create a lot of... points for discussion.

Everytime I go to my mom and ask her, "mom when you married dad, what did you think of _____?" She would say, "hmmm I never thought of that back then when I was your age..."

 

[HollyS]

My husband was a bit shocked when I said I would not legally change my name. But he agreed with my reasons:

1) I was older - 48 - and had 30+ years of SS records, etc.
2) I was a business manager whose name was on numerous bank accounts, etc. at work. Not worth the hassle of changing everything.
3) There is no reason I can't be Mrs. Blank in a social context. I don't need to use my previous name outside of work and legal paperwork.

 

[sonnyjane]

I changed my last name, but then I made my maiden name my middle name to keep my maiden name alive. So I was Jane Elizabeth Smith and now I'm Jane Smith Jones (obviously not real name lol). The first year was tough. I'd say there was a "mourning period" for my maiden name and an adjustment period signing my new last name and remembering to tell people my new last name, but now that I've been married more than three years, I guess I've mostly forgotten about the transition and it's just second nature.

I'll say this: Changing your name is not a big deal, but your fiance's attitude about you basically having to take his last name bugs me! It would almost make me want to keep my maiden name out of spite lol!!! Then again, I guess it's not very good to start a marriage off with an act of spite, but his attitude really bothers me.

I know. I wasn't happy with his attitude and my tone made it very obvious. I think he was caught off guard. He probably thought all girls would jump at the chance to take their husbands' last names. He thinks sometimes I am too forward-thinking and he needs a lot of time to digest what I say. Some of the things I mention obviously have not even come across his mind; he just ASSUMES if people do it, then I'll do it.

I am not sure I feel firm on certain issues because I want to "spite" him or I want to prove a point. I guess at the end of the day it might all be the same. It's not going to work if neither party wants to compromise

I read your post above when you said that you are the oldest of your family (all girls) and he is the oldest of his (all boys), and it made me think of my relationship with my husband. I'm the oldest of three (two girls, one boy), and he is the oldest of four boys. His mom was a stay-at-home-mom and their family is very conservative. My mom was a working mom and my parents were total hippies! DH and I never discussed changing my last name, since I didn't have a problem doing it, but he has made comments regarding parenting that required me to "school" him a little. For example, he has said things, completely innocently, like "well, and then you'll probably be home taking care of the kids" and "well, of course our kids will be breast-fed". I'm quick to remind him "hey buddy, that worked for your mom, but I love my job and while I'll never say never, I'm pretty sure I'll be a working mom" or "well, just so you know, breast-feeding is not exactly easy. My mom only managed for 3 weeks and stopped so we'll see how it goes but I'm the one that has to do it so I'm not promising anything". It is very clear that he was raised that way and therefore assumed every woman ends up that way (oh my dear, naive husband lol). He knows better now, but I suppose maybe that's where your fiance was coming from.

 

[winternight]

I kept my name for lots of reasons. Many professional woman I know didn't change their names - at least 30% would be my guess. I don't really understand why women change their names to tell you the truth - and then what is worse is being stuck with the old name after divorce - not something a man ever has to deal with!

Now that we have a daughter DH is very into the idea of her keeping her name when she gets married.