Am I wrong to feel this way?

[prose]

I''ve been married a year to my wonderful husband, yet I can''t stop fixating on my engagement ring and comparing it to the rings of others -- particularly the wives/fiancees of his friends.

It''s a 1.3 carat, E, VVS1 round brilliant -- a really nice ring -- but I stil can''t shake off the fact that he earns $200,000 a year, and chose to buy a much smaller ring than his friends did, as well as pushing for a rock-bottom price ($5,000).

Great, he''s persistent, but why did he have to employ such an attitude to the one purchase that should, if you can afford it, be extra special?

I''m so down-at-heel about everything else that my attitude about the ring is really starting to worry and upset me. Am I both a selfish brat and a female Golem??

 

[iknowquinn]

Hi there,

My first question is...have you let your husband know how you feel? If so..what does he say?

 

[prose]

I've mentioned it -- in a very kind, rational way -- and he got upset. He said that he bought what he could afford, that he went to great lengths to choose a nice ring, and that was it, end of discussion.

It's come to the point where I hardly wear my ring anymore because it feels "tarnished" by ill feelings.

To top it all off, there's been a rash of engagements recently, and I can't help this awful surge of jealousy when I clamp eyes on yet another three-carat solitaire.

What the heck should I do?

 

[Lauren523]

Hi Prose!

I understand about comparing your ring to what others have on their finger, but 1.3 is not small in my eyes! I don't know all of the specs of your diamond, but from what you said by the color and clarity, it sounds like a very nice quality ring! Maybe the other women you're comparing your ring to have bigger diamonds, but you might have way better quality and your might sparkle and look way prettier than theirs! I was given a 1 carat e-ring this past Christmas and I thought it was plenty big! I don't have it anymore

(long story about a dishonest jeweler in my previous posts) But I would love to have a 1.00 H, VS2 with a good cut and that's what we're saving up for. I don't think it matters how much your ring cost, even if your husband makes a lot of money. I think we'd all love to have the biggest and best ring money can buy, but I'd rather have a ring I love for a decent price and be able to use more money to buy a nice house and start a future together. Maybe you could talk to him about how you feel and upgrade for a future anniversary! Good Luck!

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Possibly hint towards an upgrade for a big anniversary, such as your 5 or 10 year??? This would be appropriate. Asking for a new ring after ONE year is a bit too soon, IMO, especially since a 1.3 IS a nice size.

Where in the WORLD did your husband find a 1.3 carat E VVS1 for 5K. Sounds too good to be true.

Michelle

 

[DavidEmslie]

Hmm. Maybe that was all he could budget? I have found that most people no matter how much or how little they make are always blowing the whole wad on financial obligations, ie, living on the edge, in debt ect ect. Maybe that is all he could truly afford?

The other consideration is this. The bigger the stone, sometimes the more tacky it can be/look, especialy to others. Was he being conservitive in size as to keep your hand from looking tacky? The other aspects of the stone are top notch.

Also keep in mind the male prespective, I use this sales pitch alot and when you think about it it makes sence.

"So its ok for a guy to go out and get a 40k Sports car...but if the girl wants a $400 to $3000 custom piece of fine jewelry...its no...why is this?"

 

[iknowquinn]

how do you treat your money with your husband? do you have separate AND joint accts? I think that maybe you could trade in the ring, and add some of your own money to upgrade. would he take offense to that? that way you could have something you feel more comfortable with...but not be forcing him to pay for it, since he feels like it is fine the way it is.

 

[prose]

He has very little debt. In fact, he's cautious with money all round, so I guess this approach extended to buying my ring.

I guess it doesn't help that I live on the Upper West Side of NY, where every last soul has a ring the size of Suffolk County! Damn, I wish this city was less competitive at times.

As for the price, we got it through a friend who works for a high-end jeweler. It was valued at $15,000 in the GIA appraisal. Maybe I should be happy to have a smart husband who isn't so flash, huh?

 

[iknowquinn]

i'm on the upper west side of nyc too! funny...
would his friend let you trade up if you added some money to it? would you be willing to spend your own to have the ring you REALLY want? I really think that could be a good option for you guys! I mean- husband and wife is a team...so why not make your ring a team effort, ya know? nobody else has to know....

 

[prose]

I already suggested adding my own money when the subject first came up; that one went down like a proverbial lead balloon...

I think the ring will be stored in my jewelery box for a while until such time these feelings subside and I can appreciate the ring for what is, a ring -- not an emblem of where we rank on the social scale!

 

[Lauren523]

Prose,

I think you should wear your ring! Does your husband ever ask you why you don't wear it? Maybe if you start wearing it again, he'll see you appreciate it and maybe he'll rethink the upgrading thing?! I'd be sad not wearing my engagement ring

 

[sumi]

I'm really sorry to hear that you don't love your e-ring. These kinds of posts always make me a little sad because it's so fun to wear the e-ring/wedding ring when you really love them.

Maybe there are some other feelings going on here and you are just projecting them on to the ring. You say that your husband makes a lot of money, but you feel like he cheaped out when it comes to your ring. Your ring sounds lovely and significant, and $5k is nothing to laugh at. However, it seems like you're concerned that he didn't spend much at all in relation to what he earns. $5k may be a huge amount of money to someone who makes $20k/yr., but not to someone who makes $200k. I can understand your point. One thing I love about my e-ring is that my husband saved his money for so long in order to be able to buy it in cash. I know that he made some sacrifices for me, and I think about that whenever I wear my ring. I'm guessing that you didn't feel this way. I can understand how that may you bother you.

You mentioned that your husband is very pragmatic when it comes to how he spends his money. I think that's very important to keep in mind. Just because he didn't sacrifice a lot to get you the ring doesn't mean he doesn't love you. I get the sense that you know this. People just have different ways of approaching money. In the big picture, it's wonderful that your husband has a good sense of money and how to spend it wisely.



You also mentioned that you can't help but to compare your rings to others. This can get pretty dangerous. Your friends have bigger rings. Let's even suppose that not only are they bigger, but they are superior quality and much more expensive. I think it's important to realize that no matter what, there are going to be people with better rings than you. There will be people will bigger houses, more money, better cars, etc. At some point, we just have to stop comparing ourselves to others. It will drive you insane if you keep comparing. Their ring has nothing to do with your marriage. It takes a lot of strength to realize that the situations of others has no bearing on yours. I know this is easy to say, but harder to do.


It's easy to get really consumed with your e-ring/wedding ring. But, I think it's important to keep it in the context of the big picture. They are such a small part of what it means to be married and what it means to have a succesful marriage.


I'm not passing judgment on you at all. I can understand that it must be very difficult not to love your e-ring, and to feel like you were somehow cheated. I agree with other posters that you really need to discuss this with your husband. I think that sometimes it's hard for men to understand how personal the e-ring can be. Your husband may view it as a personal attack. I'm sure he put a lot of thought in this purchase and got what he felt he could afford at the time. E-rings are a luxury after all.

It's sad to hear that your ring is now tarnished by ill feelings. Please remember the spirit in which it was given to you. It was a gift of love, it was a gift given with the hope that you would spend your lives together. It doesn't represent how much your husband loves you. Price of e-ring does not have a direct correlation to depth of love.

I hope this situation gets resolved for you. Please keep us posted.

 

[Jennifer5973]

This is indeed very sad. I don't *love* my original eRing but it has a lot of value to me because it came from the heart. I have comes to terms with the fact it isn't the size or quality I would prefer and will get another diamond for my 10 yr. Then again, my husband was a struggling student when we got engaged and I was lucky to get a ring at all.

For years it bothered me that people had bigger rings, fancier cars, etc., etc. but I finally let it all go and just do what i want and wear what i have and remember that a lot of people I know with 3 ct diamonds are miserable in their marriages. My husband gives me a shoulder massage almost every night before he "tucks" me into bed and puts my needs first in every way. You can't buy that kind of stuff...

I can understand how you feel. I don't now what the solution is. How about a really substantial anniversary band? Like a 6ct round eternity to match your ring? I just saw one today at my jewelers and it was a stunner...

Good luck.

 

[sevens one]

Jennifer, back at the jewelers today? I love it.

I am so sorry to hear about the ering dilema. There have been some good inputs here. It is true that someone will always have bigger and better. Can alittle time cool down some of the "ill" feelings. And maybe by wearing it you'll either love it or he'll appreciate that you wear it. Not wearing it could be a big mistake.
But don't beat yourself up for your feelings. We are all human here.
Nan

 

[prose]

Thank you all so much. This has been driving me insane for a while now, and it's a subject I don't feel comfortable bringing up with friends, mainly because they're all artsy, in less comfortable financial situations, and it would reek of the little princess in the tower.

My husband is a very considerate man -- he loves putting a lot of energy into planning special vacations and so on, and he's enthusiastic about home decor and sharing lots of mutual hobbies. I'm very much in love with him, and that's why this is so hard. He puts a lot of effort into most things, but, IMO, didn't put his heart and soul into finding out what I wanted re: the engagement ring. Maybe he didn't realize how I was going to feel afterwards.

Although the subject has been brought up as a "serious topic" four or five times now, I will give it one more go at trying to explain how I feel. After that, it's probably best to let it go and move on.

I'll keep you all posted.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

----------------


Although the subject has been brought up as a 'serious topic' four or five times now, I will give it one more go at trying to explain how I feel. After that, it's probably best to let it go and move on.

I'll keep you all posted.

----------------

I'd move on NOW rather than bringing up the ring in topic again. Sounds like it's a sore topic that one more conversation will only make more tender rather than resolving. JMO

Why not look for a great pair of earrings, pendant, or other diamond jewelery to help you feel more sparkily? This he MAY agree without offending him about the ring he obviously feels very sentimental about. You've only been married a year, and I honestly think waiting four more years to get an upgrade is reasonable and realistic, but one year upgrade isn't justifiable based on the reasons you've given. . .

Michelle

 

[Shay37]

Prose, first let me say that I empathize with you and your situation. After 5 1/2 years of marriage, just upgraded my ring. I really didn't care about the size, but the quality I was not happy with. (got "mauled") My husband didn't mind about the sentimental thing (doesn't care less about jewelry)

, it was the money he was a little sore about. We had it, but he doesn't like to spend it on nonessential stuff. He does think I deserve it, and he's glad I have it; but he felt that it would have been better to wait a little longer.

If this is a sore subject for your husband, bringing it up is not going to improve his feelings about it. My husband is very careful with money and does not make "frivolous" purchases easily. If they ain't jewelry guys, it is indeed frivolous to them.

It's only been a year for you. Educate him as to your feelings about jewelry slowly. (he will come around hopefully) Don't make it about keeping up with the Joneses. Show him pictures of a really killer eternity band (lots of bling) that would make you happy with the sparkle on your left hand. Put it on your anniversary wish list. Check out what that ring would have cost him if he hadn't gotten a deal on it. If it's close to seven or eight thousand dollars, would that make you feel better. Perhaps he feels that he is to be congratulated for shopping so well that he saved several thousand dollars. (he may feel that that means he took time to find the best ring for the best money, and that shows he cares about you and your future together)

Whatever happens, I wish you both the best of luck.

Shay

 

[Shay37]

Prose, just did a quick search. Just three sites. A very good cut E vvs2 at 1.3 ct. starts at over $10,000 on Whiteflash. That seemed to be about average in price. So is it what the diamond is worth that bothers you, or what he spent? I have to say, that if I had a diamond that retailed on the internet for $10,000 to $12,000, and my husband only paid $5000 for it; I would consider them both to be keepers. (I do love a bargain)

BTW, I do not consider 1.3 ct. to be small JMO. Good luck resolving this in your mind.

Shay

 

[zmre2b]

To help you stop fixating on your ring try reading an old, but still very relevant, article from the Atlantic monthly on the diamond racket and how the whole diamond-as-engagement-ring (along with the 3-stone and eternity rings) were just marketing creations by DeBeers to generate artificial demand for the commodity carbon rocks that their child slaves in africa were digging out of the ground.

http://www.theatlantic.com/issues/82feb/8202diamond1.htm

$200k is a nice salary in most parts of the country, but in Manhattan it is lower middle class, especially if there isn't a second income earner in the household; and $200k isn't enough to send your kids to private school on in Manhattan or to even really make decent headway into saving for college.

You guys aren't making enough to throw it away on big diamonds. When you make > $1 million, then I'm all for throwing away money on diamonds because at least then you are transferring money to the poorer diamond market workers who need to make a living also.

Stop reading this website where everyone is fixated on diamonds. You will only reinforce your diamond insecurities here. Read some websites discussing private schools in Manhattan and how expensive they are, or how much college tuition will cost in 18-20 years. (How much have you saved up for that?) Or read about how hard it is for people laid off (as your husband might be in the next down turn) to find health insurance. (how much savings/investment do you have if one of you should get laid off or disabled?)

Consider yourself lucky to have a guy who is smart enough to not be taken in by the conjurers of marketing madness at DeBeers and the industry they have created.

Suppose he got you (or you bought) a bigger or better quality diamond? How would you be better off? How would the world be a better place because you are wearing a more expensive diamond?

From any distance, buried in a setting, and with a normal layer of grime and dust, all diamonds look roughly the same. Unless you carry a steam cleaner, and a loupe around with you and bore your friends to look through it no one will possibly know or care what manner of carbon you are wearing on your finger anyway. You have your ring, now get on with your life.

If you did nag your husband into getting you a new ring, you will be thousands of dollars poorer, your less well-off arty friends will think you are material and pathetic and your husband will rightfully think you are a fool for falling into the marketing trap of DeBeers and possibly resent you for pissing away your money.

A diamond won't care for you when you are sick, it won't educate your children, it won't keep you warm at night or calm you when you are scared or anxious. Keep some perspective on what is really important in life.

 

[Mara]

----------------
On 4/24/2004 6:57:02 PM zmre2b wrote:

$200k is a nice salary in most parts of the country, but in Manhattan it is lower middle class,

----------------

That's a very bold and seemingly incorrect statement. NYC is expensive, but SF Bayarea is second as expensive (and some years it overtakes NYC), and $200k here (in SF Bay) IS nowhere near 'lower middle class'.

To the original poster...I understand what you are saying about being disappointed over time with your ring. When we got engaged, it was with a stone that I realized later was not all it was cracked up to be. I wanted a new stone, but my fiance loved the original one. However, the more I learned about stones, the more I felt my stone was not living up to my expectations. Of course I still wore it, I loved my ring and stone regardless and they sparkles...but I wanted a better cut stone.

The first few times I brought it up, my fiance would get upset, along the same lines of 'is it not good enough' type thing. Lucky for me, we decided to get him a tension set diamond ring and I got to choose the diamond. I got him an amazing ideal cut H&A diamond. Everything on this stone was seemingly perfect. When he saw it, he was amazed at the beauty and difference between his stone and mine. After that, he was much more receptive to the idea of changing out my stone, and agreed to let me sell my original stone with the condition that no extra money could go from us to get a new stone. So I had some strict conditions to work with, but I was determined. I ended up with a beautiful new stone, same size as my old one, ideal almost H&A cut, beautiful scope..everything. I love my new stone and the best thing is that because this is not the original stone any longer, he has no problems with me upgrading it to bigger sizes later...whereas with the first one, he was sentimentally attached.

Sorry to ramble, but my bottom line is that where there is a will, there IS a way. Pushing him or discussing it for the 5th time only to upset him again may not be the way in this scenario. That definitely did not work for me. Lucky for me, the stone I bought my fiance was so spectacular that it showed him what I was babbling about all the time in terms of cut and the light return. Instead of telling him that I was disappointed with how our stone looked, all I had to do was show him what other stones looked like! Imagine that.

Maybe this story will inspire you....or maybe as the others noted, you can wear your ring with pride and then upgrade on 5 year anniversary..or even 1 year. You have a neck, earlobes, and other fingers to adorn in the meantime....

Good luck

 

[canuk-gal]

Hi:

You have stated that you are happily married--and in these trying times I believe that to be an accomplishment; as there are myraids of people out there who could not boast the same. Cherish that which is truely important: remember, you are not your ring, or car, or house, or south beach vacation.

That said, in the event you are unable to relinquish this unhappiness over your ring, may I suggest you do what many women have done before you--and buy your own "better" ring.

cheers

canuk-gal

 

[prose]

The anniversary ring sounds like a nice compromise that will keep both of us happy. Thanks for the ideas, guys.

And as for the poster who ranted on about the diamond trade -- nicely juxtaposed with talk of elitist private schooling -- I don't intend on sending my kids to private school. I believe education should be funded by the government, which is why the kids (if I choose to have any) will be educated in England.

 

[jadeleaves]

Hi Prose,

I can certainly empathize with your feelings on this matter - when my husband bought me my e-ring, we knew nothing about diamonds and ended up getting a loose stone and getting it custom set (which didn't turn out well). Some "friends" even made some bitchy comments - "ohh that's cute, when is he going to get you the real rock?" etc.

Thinking back, I couldn't help but be just a wee bit affected by those comments, but I knew that my husband bought me what he coud afford at that time as he was still a student. To me, it's what my e-ring symbolizes that's important - the promise and the vision of spending the rest of our lives together.

That said, my husband is ready to 'upgrade' my ring (I have started a new topic regarding perhaps upgrading to a 3 stone ring) as we were both unhappy with the setting. Now that we're 'DINKS' (double income no kids), have bought our first home, everything has settled down financially in the sense that we don't have huge student loans hanging over our heads, earns enough to pay the mortgage, make extra repayments and still have a comfortable disposable income - we have discussed upgrading my ring. Would upgrading your ring for your anniversary be an option?

 

[jadeleaves]

Prose, like what everyone said, your ring sounds marvelous - don't let the comments get to you. Mine is only less than half of yours too, talk about a complex

Anyway, sounds like your husband knew his diamonds, judging by what you said about the quality - there is hope yet!

 

[innerkitten]

Sounds like a pretty nice ring V V S E 1.3
A lot of women get into the compairing their rings with other peoples rings thing so you aren't alone.

 

[innerkitten]

By the way my dad and his wife live on the upper west side and their hippies and his wife doesn't have a big diamond.

 

[phoenixgirl]

At first I skimmed your post and judged you as materialistic and shallow (emphasis on at first), but then I had to remember that I spend my time visiting here as a hobby, so obviously I value that little piece of carbon too, and your post was full of self-deprecating humor and insight.

It's natural to feel the way that you do. I don't think feelings are about right and wrong in most cases -- that's reserved for actions. Yes, you want more bling bling. We all do. But unless it's some sort of symbol of an underlying incompatibility between you two, then it's probably not something to trouble your marriage with. That's how your husband approaches money, and is not indicative of how he feels about you.

Still, maybe you could see if you could trade the diamond in for a bigger stone now that is something like a G VS2. It would still be white and eye-clean, but maybe you could get a bigger stone for the same price through your contact. Or I would continue to suggest chipping in yourself. I can see why he got you what he did the first time, but I'm not sure what could be grounds for completely dismissing the idea if it's important to you. He married you and your quirks, after all.

In the end, though, it is just a piece of shiny carbon. And hey, you don't want to inspire the same kind of envy you're feeling in your artsy friends. You have the power to stop the cycle and say, hey, my ring's not as big as some people's, but that doesn't mean I have to replace it with some garrishly large honker! I bet at least one of your husband's coworkers gave his gal a fake anyway.

 

[luvmysparklies]

Phoenixgirl said exactly what I was thinking. You'd be surprised at the number of HUGE "diamonds" are in fact CZs.

It sounds like you have a pretty stone that is at least real! I hope things turn out well for both of you in the long run.

Luv

 

[sharonzhere]

I also had the same thoughts that your husband's salary is more along the lines of average/upper middle class in NYC when it would be considered dripping rich in other parts of the country.

Also, it might make you feel better to know that your size and quality of diamond would probably run well over 20K as a simple solitaire in a store like Tiffany & Co. Go in and see for yourself.

My husband makes a little more than half of what your husband makes and I don't live in NYC, and we struggle. Who'dve thunk? I don't work (I'm a stay at home mom), and simple things like taking the cat to the vet I have to plan for. My husband wants a new car and we can't afford it. He's a friggin vice president for Disney and I won't be able to go grocery shopping until payday. My point is, income is relative in today's economy. We are much more valued for how we save, spend, and grow our money. Not what is on our paycheck stubs. We recently bought a new ring and it took 10 years of saving and planning and honestly, some financing, to do it. My ring is smaller than yours. For your husband, 5K could have been huge, and honestly, for a diamond of that caliber at 5K, he would have been a fool to pass it up. You can sell it for more than that. It probably never occurred to him that 5K is a total steal for a diamond. Men don't generally put jewelry high on their priority lists of Things To Be Interested In and he could have had sticker shock at his first look-see.

Which brings me to another query... would he be open to trading it up, meaning using the profit off of selling that diamond for a new one, or trading it into the original jeweler, or possibly, doing it for your 5 year or 10 year? Or, maybe putting that diamond into another piece of jewelry (a pendant that you'd wear close to your heart?) so he'd know that it didn't go to waste. If he says no, he could very well be hurt at your feelings, esp. if he picked it out on his own. I'd table it until you are actually close to those anniversaries and maybe by then he'd have come around. I don't think it's right to upgrade it on your own. It should be a mutual purchase because it represents the marriage for both of you.

And...I also agree...you'd be surprised at how many of the Big Rocks you see on those hands you are admiring are fakes. And if they're real, well, your husband probably has more money in the bank. Frugality will get you further in the long run.

Sharon

 

[prose]

I think, after all things considered, I will wait until a significant anniversary comes along before I even think about an upgrade.

I don't wear jewelery besides my wedding band, although earrings might be a nice thing to consider down the line.

In short, my husband's salary will triple over the next few years -- he's on the verge of making partner at the firm where he works -- so ridiculous purchases, like diamonds, may yet pip a new sofa or a kitchen refurb to the post!