Am I wrong to feel this way?

[wallace]

Hi, Prose. I am very sorry that you are not happy with such a beautiful ring - to each his own... However, being a born-and-bred NYer, I am having difficulty imagining the NY you described. 200k in Manhattan is really not an income significant enough to have lots of spending money on diamonds. Considering the lifestyle (eating out almost every night), the real estate values do you own? are you trying to save money to buy? in a market where one bedroom apartments start at 1.5mil - NOT on Park Ave), and the mode (to play hard you gotta dress hard, I'm sure, in a top notch firm your hubby has to be dressed pretty smartly) - 200k is just adequate to get by in a comfortable way being careful. I grew up on the East side and I can still tell you that I do not see a preponderance of 3.0ct rings anywhere. I am really not trying to be rude, but I am very curious about what this circle is that everyone is wearing is wearing such big rocks (a little impractical for mothers without nannies to do all the work...) Have I missed something!! I only moved to DC a year ago!

I am merely suggesting that perhaps you are not fully aware of how much money may realistically be available at that income level. People with 3.0ct stones may have family contributing, may have loans, may have (dare I say it) synthetics, may have much lower quality stones... I'd stick with your artsy friends who may have serious appreciation for the quality of that stone. You are extremely fortunate to have such a quality stone - and I know you know it! I like your last post best because I think I see a very happy and grateful wife with a beautiful ring to show off her best qualities - which are in her heart. Wear it and

 

[prose]

Thanks for the kind words, Wallace. NY's standards are outrageous, non?

I have no doubt that among some of my husband's friends, the quality of the stones isn't as good as mine. I doubt there is a fake among them, though, being that they're out-of-towners, rich kids by default or damn hard workers who put life on hold for five years just to buy that ring.

(As for the scarcity of large stones in Manhattan, boy do I see honking stones ALL the time -- at Fairway, at nail bars, at the dog run, of all places. Guess the envy radar isn't adept at picking up those pretty smaller stones, huh...)

 

[Jennifer5973]

A quick story: I know a girl who has a 3 ct ring and giant diamond eternity band, drives a fancy car, etc. She was stressing the other day that they have no money and a huge debt they can't pay, then told me her in-laws bought her eRing for her.

Interesting, isn't it?

PS She and I don't live in NYC but in the NYC/tri-state area.

 

[DavidEmslie]

luvmysparklies is corrent in that there are quite a few high end fakes out there. The joy of it all is few people question it.

There are many good and very valid reasons for spending a few hunderd on a good gold or Platinum ring with CZ.

Typicaly it is done when/for people who travel alot dont want to take the risk of loseing a 10k to 500k piece of jewlery.
For risk of robbery, loss or dammage.

There are also those who want and need to pull off the whole living up too the next leval. There are valid reasons for this.

I have had to do such things in my past and I can say that yes, it worked for what it needed to do. When I was 21 and started out in this buisness few took me seroiusly...of course, however with the right knowlage and little bit of flash, people assumed I was more than I was, and I can say that it helped me a great deal.

The fact is people are judgemental, and it all depends on how the cards are played if your into that game.

In any case, the moral of this story is that things are not always as they seem, And the fact is unless you walk around with a loop and a diamond tester and test everyones jewlery (who does this anway?) no one is sure what is what unless is it very obviouse.

likewise to the salery comments, it is ture that it is relitive to where your at in life, as someone who went from a making what I used to make in a year in a month, my expensis went up as well. Mainly for cost of doing business ect. But life is still a baleceing act, it does not matter how much or how little you make, everyone has financial problems.

 

[Judi W]

Prose...The most important thing I read in your post is that you are married to a "wonderful man". That is what you should focus on. He must have put a great deal of consideration in the diamond he got you. An E VVS1 indicates that the clarity and color were important in his choice. You should wear it proudly and be careful about envy...it's a sad road to follow. Chances are, you will get other diamonds in the years to come...but "wonderful men" are hard to come by, as many women can surely attest to.

 

[wallace]

Prose, Sweetie Dahling!

Thanks for taking my post with a grain of salt! I knew you were going to Fairway - I was going to say that in my previous post -don't do it!!! Shop downtown - go to Balducchi's (yum) where you can shop with Lauren Hutton checking out the plum tomatoes in a tee shirt and tasteful "little" diamond ring.

New Money / Old money thing?

Start checking the honkers against the white of a cocktail napkin and look for signs of yellow!

I swear none of those women have a VVS!! You could really casually say, at the nail salon - on the phone to no one - "it is ONLY a VVS 1 - the IFs are just TOO hard to come by - I wanted to wear the ring before my children were born"! and see how many women avert their eyes and then slowly look to check out your ring! (tee hee - I am terrible)

Remember, pretentious people usually have something to hide! If their self value lies in size - - well then, they're no better than boys! You should post a picture on Show me the Ring (no one will know but us)! to hear our rave reviews!

 

[Veronika]

Enjoy your ring, wear it in good health!

A diamond is a beautiful thing...so sparkley, so so many beautiful colours.....when the light catches it so! I don't think a diamond is beautiful..because of it's size! It's in the quality of the setting....and it's from the man you love! Who asked you if you would spend your life with him!

Those are the important things in life! It's easy to get caught up in all that other stuff...materialism ect....I've seen many famous actresses...with lots and lots of money! They don't evan have an engagement ring...just a simple wedding band!

I have a small diamond e-ring from birks...I get loads of compliments on it! Wear your ring with confidence........it's sounds beautiful....who cares what other people think!

 

[Nicrez]

Prose, understand NY and it's standards. Lived here, worked here, seen it. I finally moved out of NY to get some SPACE (walk-in closet), and even across the Hudson, you see Hoboken residents no older than 23-30 wearing 3-4 carat rings.

I told my fiance to notice this, and he came home one day and laughed at how my almost 2ct stone looks tiny compared!

I know LOADS of frined in NYC with big rocks. They also have husbands, as you at accounting firms, law firms, investment banks, corporate finance, etc who make that good money ($200K+) the first few years, and then sky rocket.

Such is the case with my fiance and his career. So, we have agreed that I LOVE my ring for it's sentimental purpose, BUT he said as he incrementally makes more, I will get more as well. Upgrades approved, as well as some rational (yeah right!) periphery diamonds. This is only after my conversation with him that he is "NOT buying my love" but making me happy, as I truly like diamonds. Men like electronics, cars, boats, motocycles, etc, and they get to collect and enjoy them, why not women? He agreed, realizing it's something that he is buying to make me happy.

I think one way to approach your guy is this. if he's a deal person (as I am), tell him that your next purchase or upgrade can be done once you have researched and done all the homework, and you have found a good "deal". Take the work away from him, and ensure him it will be a deal of a purchase, as well as involve him in the final stages of the search to show how hard you are trying to make both of you happy with this.

But don't compare your ring...I have a friend who has a 3.25ct emerald cut, with 2ct trillion sides...and she said she got that on her 15th wedding anniversary, as she wore a .75ct for the years before then, because that's what he could afford then, even running his father's VERY lucrative business.

Sometimes it's better to be financially cautious in the early stages of marraige, set up some cushion and stability, AND THEN, build and spend a bit more when you feel well-protected. That's what we are doing. Sacrifice now for more LATER!

GOOD LUCK!

 

[canuk-gal]

HI again:

Well said. I was recently at a party of friends & colleagues--and do you know what the most "eye catching" attraction amongst those well healed ladies hands were? Some very dark blue nail polish!
Although I was not gleaning for jewels, I did make a mental note for myself that these women--whose husbands, many of them, (oilmen) multimillionaires many times over--were wearing only the wedding bands they had been given years earlier. Or tradition wedding ring styles--rings likely given to them when it was "what their husbands could afford". And they have them still.
IMHO, this ring thing is only a big deal--if you make it one. And likely you are much too sensible for that.

cheers

slb

 

[innerkitten]

All this talk about New Yorks standards is news to me. Are you sure we aren't stereotyping? I mean New York is a big city with a very diverse group of people living there. My parents are both from there although my mother moved here ( to San Francisco) when she was pregnant and this is where I grew up. My mother and step father still live here in S.F. My biological father lives in New York and we have lots of friends and relatives there. Most of my family are artists, or do something for the arts. My bio father is a cartoonist and does fine art printmaking and his wife is a buyer for the big art museum there. None of the people I know in N.Y.C are into expensive lavish diners fancy clothes and big diamonds.

 

[fire&ice]

----------------
On 4/26/2004 11:58:05 AM innerkitten wrote:

All this talk about New Yorks standards is news to me. Are you sure we aren't stereotyping? . None of the people I know in N.Y.C are into expensive lavish diners fancy clothes and big diamonds.----------------

Yes, I do think it's stereotyping. But, I think all kinds exist everywhere.

 

[Hest88]

It may be sterotyping, but I do think that in a metropolitan area you naturally have higher salaries so you are more likely to see larger stones. Plus, if you move in certain circles, then a two carat stone could easily be the smallest one of the bunch.

 

[sumi]

I've noticed that whenever there is a thread where someone is concerned about the size of their ring, a popular response is "their's may be bigger, but I bet it's of lesser quality" or "it could be fake" or "they might be in serious debt to afford such a ring". Of course, that might be the case some of the time. It's not always the case though.


I think the healthier way to tackle these feelings are to accept that there will be other people with better things that you. Yes, their stones might be bigger AND better. So? IMO, by assuming that the bigger stones are worse quality, or assuming that the other person is in tremendous debt is only masking feelings of inferiority. It's a temporary fix. It's just making yourself feel better temporarily by assuming that these other people are somehow in a worse situation in other ways. Until we accept that we're not in a competition, I don't think those feelings will ever be resolved.

In this particular situation, prose's stone sounds like it's fabulous. I'm sure her stone is better than a lot of people's. But let's not kid ourselves that it's the best in the whole world. Mine stone is fabulous, but I know a lot of women have better stones too. My stone has absolute top-notch cut, but it's a G color. I'm sure there are many people who would not accept a G color. It's a vs2 clarity, I'm sure there are some people who would want an IF, FL, or VVS. It's 3/4 carat, I know there are a lot of people who would want something bigger. That doesn't take away from my own enjoyment of my stone. The beauty of another person's diamond does not take away from the beauty of my diamond.

Believe me, I live in LA and there are some huge honkers around here too. You also see a lot of beautiful and big stones in the LA legal scene. So, it's not like I'm not exposed to the same kinds of rings that NY'ers are.


I think prose's feelings are totally valid. We all have streaks of jealousy, envy, inferiority, etc. I think this is something that everyone (at some point) needs to work on in their lives. So, why not tackle it head on. Just take a minute to assume that not only are these other diamonds bigger, but they're better.

 

[fire&ice]

----------------
On 4/26/2004 12:33:32 PM sumi wrote:

I've noticed that whenever there is a thread where someone is concerned about the size of their ring, a popular response is 'their's may be bigger, but I bet it's of lesser quality' or 'it could be fake' or 'they might be in serious debt to afford such a ring'. Of course, that might be the case some of the time. It's not always the case though.

---

I like the way you think.

But, that's usually the party line around here. Believe it or not folks, some people have genuiine, large, nice quality stones & have *no* debt.


And, I agree Hest. One does seem to find larger stones in more metro areas than the "country". But, wealthy suburbs abound everywhere.

 

[sumi]

----------------
On 4/26/2004 12:42:45 PM fire&ice wrote: <hr size="1" width="100%"

One does seem to find larger stones in more metro areas than the "country". But, wealthy suburbs abound everywhere.
----------------

No kidding. I was surprised to read that a county in WYOMING was the richest in the nation! Who would have guessed?

http://news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/ap/20040417/ap_on_re_us/richest_county_2

 

[antigoon]

I see three possible answers to your situation. They're of varying degrees of criticality. Believe it or not, the first one is the sympathetic one.

You could have said that your husband made a good salary and gave you a nice ring but you were unhappy with the size, especially compared to your friends' rings. But you didn't, exactly. Instead you said that he earns $200k+ and that the ring is a 1.3 carat E VVS1. You see, if you'd said the former, we might have thought that your husband was a middle manager earning $60k and the ring was a .5 carat which looked small compared to your friends' 0.75 carat rings. But you wanted to make sure we knew that you were much "better" than that. Whether you're showing off to Pricescope, or to your friends, you're all about materialism, the "bling bling". If that's who you are, then absolutely, you should get a new ring because you'll never be happy without it. I'm not sure why you need us to reaffirm what you already know, but here's your free pass: go ahead, it's not wrong.

Another viewpoint is that you should be happy with things absolutely, not in comparison to what others have. For example, suppose you have a car that you love and then one day your neighbor shows up with a fancier car. Are you suddenly less happy with your car? If so why: your car has not changed one iota. You have let your perception of your car become warped by comparison with others. If you let competition with others drive your behaviors, youy will find yourself often unhappy. Learn to be happy on your own terms.

And of course the third viewpoint is that your husband makes a heck of a lot of money. In fact, the median household income for NY State in 2000-2002 according to the government census was $42,432. Assuming you are not working, yes you and your husband earned 5 times the average household income in your state. And a 1.3 carat right is a pretty big rock. (I'm planning on buying my fiancee to be a 0.75 carat ring because I like the size for aesthetic reasons, not financial ones.) So you are rich, and you have a big rock, and perhaps you should quit complainining.

My 2c,
Steve

 

[zmre2b]

----------------
On 4/26/2004 1:45:35 PM antigoon wrote:



Another viewpoint is that you should be happy with things absolutely, not in comparison to what others have. For example, suppose you have a car that you love and then one day your neighbor shows up with a fancier car. Are you suddenly less happy with your car? If so why: your car has not changed one iota. You have let your perception of your car become warped by comparison with others. If you let competition with others drive your behaviors, youy will find yourself often unhappy. Learn to be happy on your own terms.

----------------

Indeed, this is an important part of being happy -- learning to ignore the relative comparisons with others. Unfortunately psychologists (including the recent Nobel winner Kahnemann) are realizing that for most people, happiness and one's satisfaction with one's place in life has a strongly relative component. See http://www.blackwell-synergy.com/links/doi/10.1111/j.1468-0262.2004.00479.x/enhancedabs/ for more info.

From the abstract: "Preferences exhibit relative consumption effects if a person's satisfaction with their own consumption appears to depend upon how much others are consuming. This paper examines a model of an evolutionary environment in which Nature optimally builds relative consumption effects into preferences in order to compensate for incomplete environmental information."

In other words, evolutionarily, when humans were developing, one useful motivation to have was to want what other's had. For instance, one way to gather information on whether one should be out collecting berries or gathering firewood would be to see if others had lots of berries or firewood. If they did, that was a pretty good signal that berries and firewood were available and you should go get some before it was all gone. Those that had those feelings of desire that were triggered by what others had went on successfully raise kids whose stomachs were full of berries and kept warm by the fire. The less materialistic folks who didn't have those motivations to want what others had would tend to be cold and hungry.

Now these left over evolutionarily-selected motivations cause materialism and are used by advertising companies to generate demand for products that people otherwise wouldn't want.

Of course there are lots of other behaviors that were evolutionarily successful to some degree but are now considered immoral or even illegal.

It is a mark of the progress of humanity to rise above many of these primitive instincts.

But meanwhile, do you think a crown height of only 7% would significantly diminish the fire in a rectangular radiant?

 

[canuk-gal]

One of my pals--a seasoned clinical psychologist--once told me, that the single biggest issue/complaint amongst the patients she saw, revolved around dealing with "disappointment". Regardless of whether it is real or perceived, or its origin, it is a major force to be reckoned with.

Anyway, I have always believed that a measure of a man is not by what he has, rather, by what he gives.

cheers

slb

 

[prose]

Antigoon, I like your post, but I can assure you I was not bragging. Rather, I'm a writer, prone to embellishment and fastidious storytelling. I couldn't bear to give you half the facts, being that Raymond Carver ain't no idol of mine!

Nothing will ever be simple. I was brought up poor, taught to shun wealth and capitalism, and yet, after substantial parental effort, I find myself wanting fat diamonds, branded clothes, and salads without a trace of iceberg. So sad yet so very true.

 

[Bikergirl]

I have to say, I find this whole thread very amusing. Why? Because I have the *opposite* problem!

My fiance' is the most incredibly guy in the world! I love him more than I thought was possible, and I know he feels the same way about me.

When we first started looking at rings, I wanted something small, but intricate. He wanted a huge bling bling rock to "show" the world how much he loved me.

We compromised, and he got the diamond he wanted. Although, how exactly can I complain about a 2.5 carat stone?

Well, we have pretty active lifestyles. We race bicycles in our spare time, and we also ride Harleys when the weather permits. I also compete in triathlons (read: I swim in the ocean!), and do quite a bit of volunteer work. Oh, and did I mention that we travel a lot - to third world countries?

Not exactly conducive to that huge solitaire!

Not to mention I'm honestly embarrased by it sometimes. I live in Dallas, where there are plenty of huge pieces of jewelry. And I work in the legal industry, where salaries soar. But I didn't have a lot of money growing up, and it's a little unsettling to have that high dollar amount sitting on my tiny finger!

So we compromised - I actually have three rings. I have the solitaire, which I wear to work and to formal functions. But I have two wedding rings. One is a plain platinum band. I also have a thin wedding band with approximately 0.5 carats of diamonds, in a pattern that is a cross between simple, elegant, and intricate. It's a band that we both really like. I can wear the diamond band with my solitaire (makes the solitaire look not quite so huge), I can wear the diamond band with the platinum band for a "set", or I can wear any of the bands individually. That way I have the perfect ring for any of my multiple personalities.

The point being - the grass is always greener! There are some people who are very envious of my ring, some think it's a bit on the small side, some who couldn't imagine having a diamond this size.

I've had my solitaire since December, and will get to wear my wedding band(s) starting in October (we're not married yet). I love all three - I love the ering because my true love picked it out and gave it from the heart. I love the platinum band because it shows the world that I am married, but is very functional. And I love the diamond band because it's something that I would have picked out on my own, isn't flashy, but still gives a little sparkle where needed - and is something that we chose together.

I struggled with the size of my stone, too, but obviously for different reasons. What I finally decided was this. My soul mate put a lot of thought into my ering. I will proudly wear it until the day I die because he bought it for me. I don't ever want an "upgrade" (although I might accept right hand rings from time to time heehee) and I wouldn't trade any of my three rings for the best diamond on the planet. To me, I have the best diamond.

 

[sumi]

----------------
On 4/26/2004 5:05:19 PM prose wrote:

I find myself wanting fat diamonds, branded clothes, and salads without a trace of iceberg. So sad yet so very true.

----------------

I love the comment regarding iceberg! So true! I was laughing so hard. The thing is, my husband HATES iceberg and I actually like it. I feel like it cools me off on a hot day to dig in to a bowl of iceberg with a light dressing. It's like the lettuce wars around here sometimes. Thanks for the laugh!

 

[jenibear]

Prose,
I really hope you get your situation figured out and that in the end you are happy.
I understand your frustration and I suppose I would feel the same, but then I have a fiance who would have just said "OK, get what you want," him being a jewelry guy.
But I have to agree with some of the other posters who say you need to learn to be happy with what you've got or you'll go nuts!
We live in a well-to-do suburb west of Boston. We make a little better than the average salary in our community and more than all of our local friends. But, we rent, we drive average cars, we wear average mall clothes. We see BMWs, Lexus' and the like daily. We drive by million dollar homes - one of which we affectionally call ours - to go to Target.
But we are happy. Because we are paying off our previous debt, paying for our wedding and saving for our future.
So instead of worrying about what others have that we don't, we rejoice in what we do have and look forward to adding the things we dream of to that list.
I know we'll have a nice house one day and nice cars. I don't want them now, because they would put us in a financial bind.
I don't know what you have now. But if you have more financial obligations, your husband's attitude would make a lot of sense.
I'd rather have a smaller ring and a larger bank account any day!

Good luck to you and your husband.
Jenibear

 

[Ekknog]

Gee, it's no wonder the divorce rate is so high and broken families abound. Too many people worring about too many "things" that of are of no real value anyway. Like the size of one's e-ring diamond.
When one dies it's the quality of one's character and one's life that's remembered. NOT the size/quality of their e-ring.
Geez, Louise......

 

[Mexi]

Since you have the money, why don't you keep what you have and buy yourself another ring exactly how you want it.

 

[foundnemo]

Prose,

IMHO, you need to stop comparing your ring to others' rings.

You said you have a nice quality ring from a wonderful husband, so you should be content, right?

Do you have a problem of not having a bigger ring?, or of not measuring up to others?

If you want a bigger ring, you can buy another one.

Not sure if this is what you want to hear.

 

[Roz]

I''m very sorry about that, but I believe your engagement ring is very important, and no number of pairs of ear-rings or right hand dress rings will make up for a dissappointing ering, it''s an important symbol, whether it''s a 3 carat eye poker or a 1/3 carat blazer it''s the symbol of your relationship and love.

Date: 4/24/2004 8:06:00 PM
Author: prose
And as for the poster who ranted on about the diamond trade -- nicely juxtaposed with talk of elitist private schooling -- I don''t intend on sending my kids to private school. I believe education should be funded by the government, which is why the kids (if I choose to have any) will be educated in England.

Erm... why? Do you mean University (US translation = College) education?

One of my good friends is from New Hampshire and has been educated here in the UK since he was 5 (but at English private school of course). I wouldn''t recommend sending your children half a world away to be educated from a young age, I''m not sure he''ll ever go back to the US for longer than a month he''s just fallen for the green and pleasant land, it''s really divided up his family.

 

[fatafelice]

Roz, please don''t take this the wrong way, but why are you digging up all of these old threads? The person who started this thread hasn''t posted since May 2004 and isn''t likely to read this or respond to it.

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 1/22/2006 6:37:11 PM
Author: fatafelice
Roz, please don''t take this the wrong way, but why are you digging up all of these old threads? The person who started this thread hasn''t posted since May 2004 and isn''t likely to read this or respond to it.

Ditto. Roz if you want you can always start a new thread on this topic???

 

[Midnight00]

Hi. I understand how you feel! I have a 1.8 princess cut diamond, with .2 baguettes on either side. I have a 1.25 5 stone princess cut band. I got my engagement ring while I was still living in Boston. In that city, my ring was huge!! I now live on 57th Street in Manhattan. My ring is super small potaoes compared to the rings in NYC. My sister-in-law (my brother''s wife) has a 3.21 ct emerald cut diamond ring. She is 2 years younger than I am (I''m 27). It is crazy huge!! She is from Long Island, and all of her friends from there who are engaged have at least 3 carat rings.

So, I understand how you feel. I definitely drool over some of the rings that I see around the city. However, I try to push it out of my mind. I love my ring(s). Most importantly, I love my husband! Maybe, someday we will upgrade to a bigger ring.

 

[koko]

Hi, sounds like you have a lovely ring, that you should wear proudly.....it was given as a gift of love which you should accept graciously. I think modest, tasteful jewelry is never out of fashion. Your husband seems very level headed and is obviously concerned with your financial security. My husband makes a very good salary for the Atlanta area....and he chose to spend $5,000.00 for my 25th wedding anniversary upgrade ( a 1.15 carat EC with 14k simple gold bands/ SI1/ E color). I wouldn''t have wanted him to spend more. We are pretty practical & not in competition with anyone....I just wanted a diamond I could see

!!!