Women, what if you make more than your husband?

[cantwait4life]

Thank you to everyone who has responded.

I''m not going to get into a debate on the pot smoking because I, like some on here, don''t have a problem with it.

As someone mentioned above, my biggest issue is his lack of motivation to do anything with his life. As HollyS mentioned above, he smokes and therefore cannot take the urine test that some employers require.

A little more background info to help with questions:

He did stop last year for 8 months while looking for another job. Prior to stopping for those 8 months, he did smoke every day, multiple times a day. When he stopped for those 8 months, he felt much better. His breathing was better, his health was better, and he had more energy. However, without an education he wasn''t getting offers any better than where he was already working.

He doesn''t smoke every day like he used to. He smokes 2 to 3 times a month. However, you don''t need to smoke every day to a) be addicted or b) fail the urine test.

He has been in his job (a reservation agent) for 5 years. He''s one of the top salesman there and makes a heavy amount of commission.

Our bills are split 50/50, he helps pay down debt, and he takes care of the home.

The problem I have with him is the future. What happens when we have children, God forbid something happens to me, and then he has to be the sole provider. How will he be able to do that? It''s his lack of motivation and fear of failure that bothers me. Take me for example. When I worked in sales before finishing college, it took me 6 months to move into an asst. manager position and 5 months after to become a general manager. He''s been there for 5 years and still holds the same title. Why? Because he isn''t motivated enough to raise his hand when a supervisor position is open. And if he does raise his hand and they require a drug test, he will fail and then what? He loses the supervisor opportunity AND his current job? And then there''s the school thing. I know that school isn''t the only way to make money. I know that so many people can be successful without going to school. However, for someone that has no other option, school is the best solution. He had no support growing up and his family wanted him to work right out of high school instead of go into college. Now, he fears he''ll pay for school and fail. He''s gone through the process of applying and choosing classes three times already and each time chickens out. His job has a tuition reimbursement program that he can use to pay for the courses but he''s holding himself back.

To be honest, I think he has a fear of changing. I still don''t know what I''m going to do but I appreciate all the responses.

 

[applequeen]

I don''t believe that the pot is causing his lack of motivation... I think it''s his insecurity causing his lack of motivation which is probably why he keeps smoking (as in... no good reason to give it up). I think the best thing you can do is encourage him... give him all the encouragement that his family didn''t give him and keep giving it until (hopefully) he sees that he is worthy and capable of doing more. I hope you can convince him to go to school because with the tuition reimbursment program he''d be crazy not to take advantage of it. Maybe his fear is that since his company would be paying for it they''d know if he failed. Could you help him pay for a couple of initial classes on his own so he can get his feet wet? Going back to school is scary, especially for someone who may not have liked it or was successful at it in high school.

I write this from experience of going through something similar with someone close to me. If you love him, then support him and give him a chance but please don''t marry him until he turns things around (which he can do). He can turn this around (as shown by the fact he has stopped before). The fact he has held a job as long as he has is, in my opinion, a good sign. It shows he can commit to something. It''s all up to him... I''ll say it again... he needs to realize he''s better than that and that he deserves to do more for himself.

I don''t want to get into the debate about pot use. I know that there are a lot of successful people out there who use it and are fine but there are also a lot of people who can never be successful because of it. I think it''s a different story for people with professional jobs (when was the last time you ever heard of a lawyer being asked to take a drug test). It really prohibits those in other sorts of jobs from moving up the ladder or even from obtaining a decent job in the first place. It''s a cycle in my opinion. I work in economic development and one of the largest issues we deal with is the fact that such a large majority of the workforce could not pass a drug test.

 

[LuckyTexan]

Date: 9/3/2008 9:01:16 AM
Author: cantwait4life
Thank you to everyone who has responded.

I''m not going to get into a debate on the pot smoking because I, like some on here, don''t have a problem with it.

As someone mentioned above, my biggest issue is his lack of motivation to do anything with his life. As HollyS mentioned above, he smokes and therefore cannot take the urine test that some employers require.

A little more background info to help with questions:

He did stop last year for 8 months while looking for another job. Prior to stopping for those 8 months, he did smoke every day, multiple times a day. When he stopped for those 8 months, he felt much better. His breathing was better, his health was better, and he had more energy. However, without an education he wasn''t getting offers any better than where he was already working.

He doesn''t smoke every day like he used to. He smokes 2 to 3 times a month. However, you don''t need to smoke every day to a) be addicted or b) fail the urine test.

He has been in his job (a reservation agent) for 5 years. He''s one of the top salesman there and makes a heavy amount of commission.

Our bills are split 50/50, he helps pay down debt, and he takes care of the home.

The problem I have with him is the future. What happens when we have children, God forbid something happens to me, and then he has to be the sole provider. How will he be able to do that? It''s his lack of motivation and fear of failure that bothers me. Take me for example. When I worked in sales before finishing college, it took me 6 months to move into an asst. manager position and 5 months after to become a general manager. He''s been there for 5 years and still holds the same title. Why? Because he isn''t motivated enough to raise his hand when a supervisor position is open. And if he does raise his hand and they require a drug test, he will fail and then what? He loses the supervisor opportunity AND his current job? And then there''s the school thing. I know that school isn''t the only way to make money. I know that so many people can be successful without going to school. However, for someone that has no other option, school is the best solution. He had no support growing up and his family wanted him to work right out of high school instead of go into college. Now, he fears he''ll pay for school and fail. He''s gone through the process of applying and choosing classes three times already and each time chickens out. His job has a tuition reimbursement program that he can use to pay for the courses but he''s holding himself back.

To be honest, I think he has a fear of changing. I still don''t know what I''m going to do but I appreciate all the responses.

So then, when you raise your children... will you suggest to them that they smoke pot to help cope with stress? They will smoke with him someday!

I''m at a loss when it comes to people that think this way. Honestly. Laws are laws. We don''t all agree that they are RIGHT, but they are laws... some counties in the south still ban the sale of alcohol on Sundays. Will you tell your kids they can just steal it on Sunday if they want some beer??? Cuz you know that''s just a misdemeaner too right??????

 

[cantwait4life]

Date: 9/3/2008 12:19:05 PM
Author: LuckyTexan

Date: 9/3/2008 9:01:16 AM
Author: cantwait4life
Thank you to everyone who has responded.

I''m not going to get into a debate on the pot smoking because I, like some on here, don''t have a problem with it.

As someone mentioned above, my biggest issue is his lack of motivation to do anything with his life. As HollyS mentioned above, he smokes and therefore cannot take the urine test that some employers require.

A little more background info to help with questions:

He did stop last year for 8 months while looking for another job. Prior to stopping for those 8 months, he did smoke every day, multiple times a day. When he stopped for those 8 months, he felt much better. His breathing was better, his health was better, and he had more energy. However, without an education he wasn''t getting offers any better than where he was already working.

He doesn''t smoke every day like he used to. He smokes 2 to 3 times a month. However, you don''t need to smoke every day to a) be addicted or b) fail the urine test.

He has been in his job (a reservation agent) for 5 years. He''s one of the top salesman there and makes a heavy amount of commission.

Our bills are split 50/50, he helps pay down debt, and he takes care of the home.

The problem I have with him is the future. What happens when we have children, God forbid something happens to me, and then he has to be the sole provider. How will he be able to do that? It''s his lack of motivation and fear of failure that bothers me. Take me for example. When I worked in sales before finishing college, it took me 6 months to move into an asst. manager position and 5 months after to become a general manager. He''s been there for 5 years and still holds the same title. Why? Because he isn''t motivated enough to raise his hand when a supervisor position is open. And if he does raise his hand and they require a drug test, he will fail and then what? He loses the supervisor opportunity AND his current job? And then there''s the school thing. I know that school isn''t the only way to make money. I know that so many people can be successful without going to school. However, for someone that has no other option, school is the best solution. He had no support growing up and his family wanted him to work right out of high school instead of go into college. Now, he fears he''ll pay for school and fail. He''s gone through the process of applying and choosing classes three times already and each time chickens out. His job has a tuition reimbursement program that he can use to pay for the courses but he''s holding himself back.

To be honest, I think he has a fear of changing. I still don''t know what I''m going to do but I appreciate all the responses.

So then, when you raise your children... will you suggest to them that they smoke pot to help cope with stress? They will smoke with him someday!

I''m at a loss when it comes to people that think this way. Honestly. Laws are laws. We don''t all agree that they are RIGHT, but they are laws... some counties in the south still ban the sale of alcohol on Sundays. Will you tell your kids they can just steal it on Sunday if they want some beer??? Cuz you know that''s just a misdemeaner too right??????

If you are asking me if I, as an adult, would allow small children to use an illegal substance just because I''m ok with it then my answer would be no.

If you are asking me if I would allow my children to steal if they want some beer, then my answer would be no. (seriously, what does that have to do with your argument?)

Don''t make ridiculous assumptions about how I would raise my children. My parents drank alcohol while I was growing up. I have never taken a sip of alcohol. Why? Because they raised me to not make those kinds of decisions until I was old enough to make them myself and I decided not to.

"

" is right.

 

[cantwait4life]

SanDiegoLady, thank you for chiming in from an officer''s standpoint. Your points were valid.

If the issue about him smoking pot wasn''t really an issue then you wouldn''t have mentioned it. Apparently it IS a problem because its hindering him from becoming a more productive perspective employee for major other employers. If you dont care that he is breaking the law (I am assuming you are in the US?) then so be it.

I am in the US. The only problem I have with is smoking is for the exact reason you mentioned. IT is hindering him from becoming a more productive employee. I never saw him breaking the law in this sense because he doesn''t drive after or go out at all so for me it isn''t a big deal but I can respect your perspective from where you stand and completely agree.

If this issue is REALLY about his making less money than you and you want him to be more pro-active in a career choice and he still continues to smoke the illegal drug then he deserves what he gets. If all he can get is a $10. an hour job because of his smoking then he deserves it. And because you don''t seem to care about it but he''s the most incredble person you have ever met, then you deserve it as well.

This is all a valid point as well. He is someone I care for deeply and again I''m not going to get into the marijuana debate but I can understand your point.

Smoking pot is against the law in the US unless you are under a doctor''s care and I hope he gets nailed for it. And that, is the last comment I will make about this subject. I do not, nor will I ever condone knowingly breaking the law. Its people that do that keep me employed.

Understood. I didn''t really mean for this thread to turn into a debate about the legalities/harm of pot smoking. I like to be honest and felt that without adding that piece of information, then I wouldn''t truly be representing the issue we are facing and also that I would get a lot of responses that simplify the situation. I wanted to hear honest responses from people who have been in that situation and who can read my post and offer their opinion. I feel that''s what I was able to get from everyone. For those that chose to respond with talks about whether its legal or not and their feelings of marijuana isn''t really of my concern but I appreciate the responses anyway.

 

[LuckyTexan]

Date: 9/3/2008 12:26:05 PM
Author: cantwait4life

Date: 9/3/2008 12:19:05 PM
Author: LuckyTexan

Date: 9/3/2008 9:01:16 AM
Author: cantwait4life
Thank you to everyone who has responded.

I''m not going to get into a debate on the pot smoking because I, like some on here, don''t have a problem with it.

As someone mentioned above, my biggest issue is his lack of motivation to do anything with his life. As HollyS mentioned above, he smokes and therefore cannot take the urine test that some employers require.

A little more background info to help with questions:

He did stop last year for 8 months while looking for another job. Prior to stopping for those 8 months, he did smoke every day, multiple times a day. When he stopped for those 8 months, he felt much better. His breathing was better, his health was better, and he had more energy. However, without an education he wasn''t getting offers any better than where he was already working.

He doesn''t smoke every day like he used to. He smokes 2 to 3 times a month. However, you don''t need to smoke every day to a) be addicted or b) fail the urine test.

He has been in his job (a reservation agent) for 5 years. He''s one of the top salesman there and makes a heavy amount of commission.

Our bills are split 50/50, he helps pay down debt, and he takes care of the home.

The problem I have with him is the future. What happens when we have children, God forbid something happens to me, and then he has to be the sole provider. How will he be able to do that? It''s his lack of motivation and fear of failure that bothers me. Take me for example. When I worked in sales before finishing college, it took me 6 months to move into an asst. manager position and 5 months after to become a general manager. He''s been there for 5 years and still holds the same title. Why? Because he isn''t motivated enough to raise his hand when a supervisor position is open. And if he does raise his hand and they require a drug test, he will fail and then what? He loses the supervisor opportunity AND his current job? And then there''s the school thing. I know that school isn''t the only way to make money. I know that so many people can be successful without going to school. However, for someone that has no other option, school is the best solution. He had no support growing up and his family wanted him to work right out of high school instead of go into college. Now, he fears he''ll pay for school and fail. He''s gone through the process of applying and choosing classes three times already and each time chickens out. His job has a tuition reimbursement program that he can use to pay for the courses but he''s holding himself back.

To be honest, I think he has a fear of changing. I still don''t know what I''m going to do but I appreciate all the responses.

So then, when you raise your children... will you suggest to them that they smoke pot to help cope with stress? They will smoke with him someday!

I''m at a loss when it comes to people that think this way. Honestly. Laws are laws. We don''t all agree that they are RIGHT, but they are laws... some counties in the south still ban the sale of alcohol on Sundays. Will you tell your kids they can just steal it on Sunday if they want some beer??? Cuz you know that''s just a misdemeaner too right??????

If you are asking me if I, as an adult, would allow small children to use an illegal substance just because I''m ok with it then my answer would be no.

If you are asking me if I would allow my children to steal if they want some beer, then my answer would be no. (seriously, what does that have to do with your argument?)

Don''t make ridiculous assumptions about how I would raise my children. My parents drank alcohol while I was growing up. I have never taken a sip of alcohol. Why? Because they raised me to not make those kinds of decisions until I was old enough to make them myself and I decided not to.

''

'' is right.

My point was about LAW... not drinking or not drinking... my point had absolutely nothing to do with drinking!

Nor was it anything to do with CHILDREN smoking... your children will grow up. They will become adults who will be molded by your example.

You remind me SO MUCH of someone I know, who I wasted time on with this exact issue.

To no avail... and as I did with her... I''m walking away.

 

[D2B]

Ok, people can raise happy healthy families on lower incomes, so the quesiton is

- are you just concerned about his money situation and motivation ( that is not likely to change)

- are you happy to raise children in a pot smoking environmnet??

if you expect him to change, I think you will be in trouble, if you want your children to be raised in an illegal drug free and other drug moderate (alchohol, cigarettes) moderate household, then he is not the man for you. end of story.

You say you are looking ahead for the future, well these are the issues you need to consider (going by what you say that you are happy with him generally smoking)

good luck
d2b

 

[lovegem]

Can''t-wait-for-life, I was going to type something lengthy... and obviously I wasn''t going to reassure you that "it is ok to stay with this man as long as he loves you". I sense that you are on the defensive mode, so I may as well not to comment further.

Good luck... (you may need lots of it).

 

[partgypsy]

OK, not going to even get into the pot smoking discussion. I personally don''t think it is even as harmful as alcohol, but alcohol is legal and pot is not.

I make more than my husband. It was always the plan for me to get the advanced degree and for him to hold down the home fires. And though he earns less than me (more than $10 an hour but still less than me) he still has alot of aspirations that are not necessarily about money but what he wants to acheive in life. What does your fellow want to do with his life?

And despite being the plan and him being great at all the stuff he does (house renovations, primary child care, cooking, etc) he recently confessed that it DOES bug him about his job situation and wanted to discuss if we could review the situation when both kids are at school. It shocked me because he is easy going and often says you should just make the best of the situation you have, rather than looking at greener pastures. It makes me realize though we are liberal minded as anyone, there is still some deep seated feelings guys have about being the breadwinner.

It doesn''t really matter how you work it out, as long as you are on the same page. More than the pot smoking, you simply don''t seem to be on the same page of where you want to go in life. Again if he was serious he could wean himself off the pot and try for the promotion, it seems like there are other things that are in play here. Anyways your feelings are legitimate, though not for reason "pot is evil" but concerns that you need to discuss with him as "deal breakers" if you want to continue this relationship.

 

[Hera]

I wasn't going to talk about my personal situation but I will. I am the child of a habitual pot smoking father. My father had been smoking as long as I can remember and at one point it escalated to cocaine. The house we lived in, his father's house, got foreclosed and we lived in a motel for about a month. After that, my father quit cocaine for the most part and went back to marijuana. He smoked every day and just laid on the couch and eventually lost his business. For six years until his death, he never went back to work and died with a heart attack as a result of cocaine stress on the heart at the age of 39.

My father never offered drugs to us and I'm thankful for that. That being said. I had an absent father (and mother because she favored the prescription meds) who never wanted to do anything but lay on the sofa all day and sleep.

Can'twait, the stresses of life only get worse. It's not about legal or not legal (although my father did have some legal troubles as well) it's about quality of your lives together.

 

[CJ2008]

Date: 9/3/2008 5:03:46 PM
Author: heraanderson

I wasn''t going to talk about my personal situation but I will. I am the child of a habitual pot smoking father. My father had been smoking as long as I can remember and at one point it escalated to cocaine. The house we lived in, his father''s house, got foreclosed and we lived in a motel for about a month. After that, my father quit cocaine for the most part and went back to marijuana. He smoked every day and just laid on the couch and eventually lost his business. For six years until his death, he never went back to work and died with a heart attack as a result of cocaine stress on the heart at the age of 39.

My father never offered drugs to us and I''m thankful for that. That being said. I had an absent father (and mother because she favored the prescription meds) who never wanted to do anything but lay on the sofa all day and sleep.

Can''twait, the stresses of life only get worse. It''s not about legal or not legal (although my father did have some legal troubles as well) it''s about quality of your lives together.

Spot on...

 

[HollyS]

Date: 9/3/2008 8:54:04 AM
Author: littlelysser
Holly - I can also find a bazillion websites that say differently from the one you quoted, which by the way is a broken link. I can also find a million websites that say the same things about alcohol. And I know that you are intelligent enough to know that just about anyone can put up a website, saying anything they want.

All of the anecdotal stories and stories of a friend's son who used pot and then moved onto to harder drugs does not change the fact that I personally know a large number of people who are marijuana smokers who have NEVER moved onto harder drugs and are lawyers, university professors, scientists, etc.

Are there people that use marijuana as a gateway drug and then move onto harder drugs, of course. Are there people that smoke that get completely unmotivated and do nothing with their lives? Of course. BUT there are also people who are regular smokers who are highly educated and motivated and who never moved onto any harder drugs.

If marijuana were legal, would your opinion of it change?

No. They call it dope for a reason. There is no good reason, aside from medicinal purposes for cancer treatment, to ever touch this drug. It does not 'free' your mind. It does not improve your life in any way. But then, I also wouldn't go out and get sloshed. Life in a fog is not a life. And drugs aren't recreation.

Now, I realize it's just my opinion. I understand that others don't view the world through my eyes. I still don't consider myself wrong and those who differ to be right.

Oh, and it can lead to smoking related health issues. Emphysema, anyone?

And, probably, since the OP's BF does it so often, it is leading him to be paranoid and pessimistic, as well as moody and depressed. He fears failure. He doesn't believe in himself. It's affecting his life because his occassional use for 'recreation' became an all engrossing addiction. Like it does with many people.

No not everyone will become an addict. Not everyone becomes an alcoholic. But that doesn't answer the question, why start it at all?

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

I realize that I am a different person and unknown to you, but from your question I suspect we are not so unlike afterall;. Like most people emarking on a "permanent" life together you are questioning core values in your relationship and whether you and your partner are akin. Will you be able to grow together? Will you be able to draw on each other''s strengths? Can you support each other unconditionally and without judgement? You are questioning yourself, methinks, as your faith in your partners character seems to be undermined by his "habit".

Marriage means more than just financial freedom. If I ask my friend whether her married life has been made easier due to the fact her chronic "smoking" husband earns fairly well; I rather doubt she''d tell you it has been a consolation. My friends family is her support at every turn, where her DH is remiss. Oh he is a nice fella and means welll, but he just can''t seem to put his family and wife before his weed. But everyone is different and your situation unique; but are we and is it?

After all is said and done, you, like everyone, you want more than just an equiivalent paycheque. You want to be comfortable in answering those tough questions and since you posted on an open forum asking about a serious issue, you seem to be out of your comfort zone. Let me know if I am out of line, as I am always happy to be wrong.

kind regards--Sharon