Women, what if you make more than your husband?

[cantwait4life]

I''m having a huge issue and don''t know what to do. I love my future husband dearly. The problem is that he makes less than $10 an hour while I make $65K a year and my salary will always increase per year. It''s not me making more than him that bothers me. It''s why he makes less. You see, he smokes and I don''t mean cigarettes. I''ve tried to get him to stop and he can''t. As a result he can''t apply for another job. I''ve urged him to go to school because it seems like the only way that he will be able to make a decent living but I can''t hold his hand through the process.

Please understand that I love him very much and besides the money/smoking issue, he is the most incredible person I''ve ever met. But can I really be with someone that makes so much less? Do you think I can still get a house and raise children with the money that we make? I''m so worried that all of my dreams (the house, the kids) will have to change because of this.

 

[Tuckins1]

I do make more than him (for right now). When he''s finished with school, he will make a lot more than me. We''re both fine with the money issues. That being said... We do not have the same issues that you do. The only advice I an give you is to consider the possibility that things will not change (in regards the the smoking/job issue). Will you be ok with that? If yes, then you are ok. If not, you may need to have a serious convo with him and let him know exactly what needs to change and the consequences if they don''t. I dated some really nice guys who just couldn''t get it together and "grow up". They had to go because I wanted to move ahead with my hopes and dreams and I could not do that with someone who was still behaving like a high school student. I hope everything turns out well for you!

 

[icekid]

well, it sounds like you definitely have bigger problems than the salary disparity. If your husband is unable to stop smoking, especially such that it is rendering him unable to further his education or find a better job, he has a drug problem. Your husband needs to WANT to stop for him and no amount of nagging from you will make him reach that goal. Do you really want to bring children into this picture anyway? I would worry first about getting him into drug treatment, and then children and jobs will fall into place down the line.

 

[onedrop]

I make more than my DH as well. Right now this is the case because he moved here from another country and basically had to start his life and career over. I am quite sure that in his heart of hearts he would like to be making more and that he struggles with the income disparity sometimes, but we try to operate as equals in our relationship. He is in school right now and is getting promoted up the ladder at his job so I can see the gap closing each year. But to be honest the issue is not the $$ but how you see each other and whether there can be growth, preferably together. If you can't see that in your relationship maybe you need to re-think your plans. Not saying end the relationship, but rather take some time to examine all of the potential issues.

As for the deeper issue with the smoking, I think it's serious enough for you to be concerned about a future with your man. He is stunting his job growth and by extension possibly the growth of your relationship by continuing his habit. That would be a major concern for me. And again as I said above, I would suggest re-thinking your plans.

 

[neatfreak]

The money obviously isn''t the issue here..."smoking" on occasion is one thing. Having no motivation and being stoned all the time is another. Unfortunately it just doesn''t sound like he''s ready to enter the real world and be a real partner to you.


I would most certainly marry a man who makes less than me (and who knows, my hubby very well might make less than me in a few years when I finish grad school), but not under the circumstances you''ve described. This isn''t about the $.

 

[vespergirl]

I had the same problem with my EX-husband - I highlighted "ex" for a reason. When we got married, we were both "smokers," and we both had decent jobs (me as a paralegal, him in software tech support) but right after we got married I got a job as a stockbroker, quit smoking, and was making way more money than he was. When he saw how successful I was & how much I was earning, he decided to quit his job to work as a musician full-time, which in actuality meant barely working at all.

After two years of having steadily losing respect for him (he was fine with me being the breadwinner, but did nothing to contribute around the house or financially) I finally decided that I was tired of acting like his parent, supporting him, because I knew that he was never going to get a real job or lift a finger to help if we had kids, so our marriage ended after a little over two years.

By the way, my younger brother is going through this same problem now - except for him, he didn''t slowly taper off the pot after college - he graduated into harder drugs and has developed a real drug problem now that he''s 26, and hasn''t worked a real job in years - my parents are supporting & enabling him & he refuses to go to rehab.

Sorry to be such a naysayer, but I''ve experienced what can happen with both a husband and a family member with the same habit. At the very best, you''re looking to marry someone who is going to take advantage of you financially, and that you''re not going to be able to trust to watch your children, and at the worst, you''re going to have to go through the heartbreak of having a spouse with an addiction. Please try to get him to quit smoking - I wouldn''t marry him until he has his act together.

 

[lovegem]

Date: 9/1/2008 11:06:06 AM
Author: neatfreak
The money obviously isn''t the issue here...''smoking'' on occasion is one thing. Having no motivation and being stoned all the time is another. Unfortunately it just doesn''t sound like he''s ready to enter the real world and be a real partner to you.

Ditto everything she says.
Plus, sorry to break this to you but money is less of an issue than someone who doesn''t seem to have a "future".

 

[littlelysser]

CWFL - I agree with the other posters that this issue is much bigger than making less money.

When DH and I met, I made a TON more money than he did. BUT DH already has his master''s in computer science and is an absolute genius at what he does. Since we''ve been together, his salary has basically doubled. And I''m currently unemployed - and trying to figure out what I want to do next. Anyway, even when I made a lot more money, it had absolutely no impact on our lives. In fact, I thin DH preferred it...because then he wouldn''t have to know about all of the money I spent on purses and shoes! But really, it was never an issue for us.

Your issues seems to be that your FI is unmotivated and a pothead. And really, I think the only one that can decide if you can live with those things is you. You''ve asked him to stop, and he "can''t." Although really, the issue is that he won''t.

Can you get a house and raise children on your combined salary? Of course. People do it on much less than 65k a year. Of course, if you are living in San Fran or somewhere else that is super expensive, then it will be very difficult.

I will say that I don''t understand why he can''t get another job because he smokes pot. Although a number of jobs drug test, there are many that don''t.

All that having been said, you are the only one that knows if you can live with him and his current habits...

 

[HollyS]

Hi, there.
I'm Holly S.'s husband, and she asked me to offer my point of view, from a guy's perspective.
First of all, I'm assuming you have a college degree, based on your income level. Though you may not believe the money issue is important, it is very important to a majority of guys. We want to feel that if we cannot be the chief provider in the relationship, we should at least be an equal partner in the finances. The latter is the case with me and Holly, and it is a very compatible situation. If a guy continually feels that he is not able to be a provider, or at least a significant contributor to the couple's finances, there's a good chance that resentment will build over time. Take my word for it.
But beyond the financial aspect, there is the overall question of self-esteem and self-worth. If your husband-to-be continues to immerse himself in drugs and the culture that goes along with that, it is a sure sign that he doesn't like himself enough -- or love himself enough -- to go through life without an artificial high.
That should be a warning sign to you -- and to him. You can't have a significant, fulfilling relationship with someone who continually hides behind the mask of drugs, and who is unwilling to make a positive change in his life for the woman he says he loves.
More seriously, though, if your fiance is firmly entrenched in his drug habit, it could lead to serious legal problems for him -- and for you -- down the road. Are you willing to spend the rest of your life with someone who may be arrested from time to time -- or even spends time in prison if he insists on driving while impaired?
I do not doubt that you love this man, or that he loves you. But if he truly is committed to a bright future with you, he will do whatever it takes to rid himself of this counterproductive and dangerous habit. If that means a clinical program to stop, he should sign up, and the sooner the better.
Good luck and God bless you both.

 

[Harleigh]

Holly''s husband said it best...good job, Mr. Holly! I think you really need to reevaluate what it is this man is bringing to your life, and if he continues on his current path, it sounds like it might not be too much on the good end. Best of luck in your decision...I''m sorry you''re going through this.

 

[D2B]

Ok, third post (not sure why I keep on loosing them), but the short reply is:

-money is not the issue only a symptom of the illegal smoking (assuming from what you have written this is illegal drugs), and the BIG assumption is that if he stops smoking he will become motivated and want to get a career and earn money (not necessarily so)

-you mention wanting children, is this really the role model for your children, do you want them to see daddy smoking illegal drugs and the associated lifestyle and end up thinking this is normal? Are you prepared to risk the health of your babies with smoking going on around them, if he a regular and strong user, will he really be a reliable and safe parent, someone you can trust with children?

-sometimes love is not enough, not for a responsible grown up marriage and children.

-you need to talk seriously, but if he doenst want to seriously change, you need to evaluate where this is heading and what your future goals are (children).

good luck
d2b

 

[JSM]

My future husband used to smoke - he did when we met. After some time I told him it was important for me for him not to be dependent on illegal drugs and that it was a deal breaker for me.

He quit.

When I''m done with grad school I will be making much more than my fiance (who makes a bit more than your fiance does, but not too much). We have discussed the future at length and are committed to facing it together. With previous boyfriends money was definitely an issue for me, but with my fiance it''s not. I think it''s because the rest of the relationship is very fulfilling and we make very good partners in other aspects of life. If you think you will be resentful of him and his lack of ambition, please tell him so!

 

[DivaDiamond007]

Date: 9/1/2008 10:52:34 AM
Author: icekid
well, it sounds like you definitely have bigger problems than the salary disparity. If your husband is unable to stop smoking, especially such that it is rendering him unable to further his education or find a better job, he has a drug problem. Your husband needs to WANT to stop for him and no amount of nagging from you will make him reach that goal. Do you really want to bring children into this picture anyway? I would worry first about getting him into drug treatment, and then children and jobs will fall into place down the line.

I agree. Your future husband has a drug problem and needs to seek treatment. You can''t change him, but you can support him.

So long as he is doing drugs he''ll never be able to get a decent job (most employers drug test these days) and could possibly face criminal charges since pot is illegal in the U.S. I''d also certainly not be having children with someone who has a drug problem - his drug use could have a very negative effect on your (future) pregnancy and should you have children with him will you really be able to trust him with them? It''s not a risk I''d take.

You are in a really tough situation and I urge you to help your future husband seek help/treatment. It won''t be easy but it is necessary in order for him to turn his life around. I wish you both the best of luck.

 

[BigDiamonds]

Well to quote Clueless,

"It is one thing to spark up a doobie and get laced at parties, but it is quite another to sit around fried all day. Do you understand the distinction?"

I had a therapist friend once who used to say, "if it''s a problem, then it''s a problem." Meaning, if it''s interfering with his ability to advance in his career and its affecting his relationship with you, then it''s a problem. He may not think that there is anything necessarily wrong with being stoned all day, but if it is adversely impacting his life, he should reconsider.

I agree with what other people have said - money is just a symptom of the issue. One of the foundations of a solid relationship is mutual respect. How are you going to respect this guy in 10 years when you have advanced in your career and he is in the same place? I know that ambition is a huge thing for me, although money is not. My FI currently makes much less than me (he is in grad school), and will probably make less for most if not all of our lives. I don''t care, because I know that he has drive and ambition, and he wants to be one of the best at what he does. That makes me respect him far more than him having a high paying job.

I know you love him, so it sounds like it is time for a serious heart to heart. Good luck.

 

[LaurenThePartier]

I know it's not the norm, but I know plenty of people who smoke (pot only, no other drugs) more than 3 or 4 times a week, and have healthy careers and salaries. Some are immensely successful, and they would be, whether they smoked or not.

It's probably not the smoking itself that's causing your SO to be lazy, most likely, it's his own internal lack of motivation. I think people who are lazy, are going to be lazy whether they smoke or not, but people who are motivated and smoke, are still motivated by ambition or the search for knowledge or something else that drives them.

However, people who know what they have to do, suck it up and just get it done. I don't know why he thinks that he can't get a job simply because he smokes. I work in software, and I've never been subjected to a drug test, and I'm sure that almost half of my company smokes recreationally on occasion.

Surely he can detox and find a better job that doesn't require drug testing?

Either way, laziness and smoking pot is a bad combination, and as am ambitious woman, I don't know if I could put up with it myself. I wish you the best of luck, CW4L.

 

[miraclesrule]

Yeah, I have to agree that this is more a symptom of your FH''s ability to recognize whether or not he is more committed to his pot or to your future as a family unit. I have known a lot of potheads in my time but many of them were functioning self-employed people who managed to work hard and bring home the bacon. (One was even a doctor)

On the other head, I have known a lot of the opposite ones. Those that really need their drug of choice. It could be pot, alcohol, perscription pain meds, gambling, sex, food...whatever. An unhealthly addiction is just that. It impairs your ability to sustain healthly relationships, self-esteem and being a productive member of society, if that is what one values.

As Holly''s husband says, you could be drawn into all sorts of legal and other dramas as a result. Not that life is a guarantee, or that any other choice would be a cakewalk for you in the future.

To me, it''s one thing to be married and have a family and be supportive if your family member or spouse becomes addicted. I think I would have a threshold of what I would ultimately walk away from, in fact I did have a threshold and walked away from it very early on in my marraige.

On the other hand, it is a different situation to make a conscious choice to enter into a relationship with someone who you know is already addicted by their behavior. I personally would not enter into a contractual legal relationship, and that is what marriage is, with someone who had these problems. It doesn''t mean you love them any less...it may just mean that you can''t make a life with them if you don''t have the same goals. What is that saying??? "Love does not consist in gazing at each other but looking outward together in the same direction" or something like that.....

But there is something even more troubling to me here. There are many people who are able to stop smoking long enough to pass a drug test, so I find this to be a lame excuse. It certainly displays a lack of motivation in my opinion. You appear to be very motivated and so it begs the question...are both of you looking outward together in the same direction?

I know this is a very hard choice for you, because you may feel as though you will never feel this love again with any one else. Honestly though, you need to make a choice. Walking away from someone who you know loves you and that you love its one of the most painful things to do.

As the saying goes "Sometimes the lesson to be learned in a relationship is how to hang in there and try to work things out. Other times, the lesson to be learned is how to exit a situation that doesn''t serve. No one can determine for another person what principle apples in what circumstances. It is ultimately our connection ot our own intuitional guidance, that alone can lead us to the higher unfoldment of events through the deepest understanding.

I wish for you the strength you need to confront your concerns.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 9/1/2008 10:27:31 AM
Author:cantwait4life

I'm having a huge issue and don't know what to do. I love my future husband dearly. The problem is that he makes less than $10 an hour while I make $65K a year and my salary will always increase per year. It's not me making more than him that bothers me. It's why he makes less. You see, he smokes and I don't mean cigarettes. I've tried to get him to stop and he can't. As a result he can't apply for another job. I've urged him to go to school because it seems like the only way that he will be able to make a decent living but I can't hold his hand through the process.

Please understand that I love him very much and besides the money/smoking issue, he is the most incredible person I've ever met. But can I really be with someone that makes so much less? Do you think I can still get a house and raise children with the money that we make? I'm so worried that all of my dreams (the house, the kids) will have to change because of this.

DUMP him now !! how can you say that he is the most incredible person you ever met when this guy has a drug habit?

raise children with an addicted father?

 

[miraclesrule]

I just read this interesting article on Newsweek regarding the delayed "growing up" of our American men. Take it for what it''s worth.

http://www.newsweek.com/id/156372

 

[NewEnglandLady]

CW4Life,

I'm not sure if you have ever visited indiebride, but there is a thread on that forum started by a woman who is torn about marrying her pot-smokiing fiance...there is a lot of great advice and insight there. It sounds like your future husband has a psychological addiction to his habit, what is his own stance on it? Does he want to quit? Is he committed to quitting?

If he's not willing to stop now, what would make him stop down the line? Do you want a family with him?

Obviously this isn't about the money at all. My husband gave up a very lucrative career to stay at home with our dog, so I'm the primary income earner (not counting the earnings he makes on stock trading during the day, which is just a hobby) and love it. D certainly isn't sitting on the couch, though. He's up before I am in the mornings, takes care of the housework, goes on adventures with our dog and is taking a full semester of classes just for fun. If he were lazy, there is no way this would fly.

 

[Hera]

I think this is more about his lack of motivation than about smoking. He could go to school and he''s not, he could find a better job that doesn''t require a drug test, and he could quit to pass a drug test (like Miracles said). It sounds like he''s coasting along and you''re not going to be able to make him do anything. I think you''re going to have to either leave and move on or get used to the idea that he''s not going to be driven in life like you are.

 

[swingirl]

You want to have kids with this man?? He might be your idea of the "most incredible person" but I doubt your children will feel so positively about their pot smoking dad.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Date: 9/1/2008 2:55:16 PM
Author: LaurenThePartier
I know it's not the norm, but I know plenty of people who smoke (pot only, no other drugs) more than 3 or 4 times a week, and have healthy careers and salaries. Some are immensely successful, and they would be, whether they smoked or not.

It's probably not the smoking itself that's causing your SO to be lazy, most likely, it's his own internal lack of motivation. I think people who are lazy, are going to be lazy whether they smoke or not, but people who are motivated and smoke, are still motivated by ambition or the search for knowledge or something else that drives them.

However, people who know what they have to do, suck it up and just get it done. I don't know why he thinks that he can't get a job simply because he smokes. I work in software, and I've never been subjected to a drug test, and I'm sure that almost half of my company smokes recreationally on occasion.

Surely he can detox and find a better job that doesn't require drug testing?

Either way, laziness and smoking pot is a bad combination, and as am ambitious woman, I don't know if I could put up with it myself. I wish you the best of luck, CW4L.

Big fat ditto... but I am Canadian we feel a little differently up here

I have known many men who are nice, caring, loving men who are lazy and smoke pot all day long, so totally understand what you are saying about your hubby being a good guy! But this obviously bothers you and as such, you need to decide what you can live with and what you can't. Like jsm, my hubby was a very different man when I met him, and when I asked him to change, you know what he did? He stepped up to the plate and changed! If this matters to you, ask... no demand... that your future hubby change and if he won't... well you'll either have to accept him AS IS, or move on.

FWIW, I will also earn a lot more than my hubby and hold a higher status position once I get a job in my field, and it doesn't matter or bother me or him one iota. He busts his butt at work every day, and that is all I ask of him, it isn't his fault that my work happens to pay more than his work. I think the woman earning more only bothers the husband is a) he is insecure, or b) the wife lords it over him, either intentionally or unintentionally.

 

[littlelysser]

Date: 9/1/2008 5:58:33 PM
Author: swingirl
You want to have kids with this man?? He might be your idea of the 'most incredible person' but I doubt your children will feel so positively about their pot smoking dad.

I have to disagree with your statement about how future children may feel about their pot smoking dad.

I have a number of friends whose parents smoked pot throughout most of their lives...and they were wonderful parents that have great relationships with their children.

Although pot is illegal in the US (which is ludicrous, in my mind...but that is neither here nor there) - you cannot convince me that someone who smokes pot cannot be a wonderful parent/contributing member of society.

 

[swimmer]

Everyone has given you stuff to think on, just some science to add in here.
Marijuana impact on sperm mobility...research still going on to determine if MJ impacts natural inclination for healthier sperm to get the job done faster, possible implication that inferior sperm (while influenced by THC) get to the egg. initial research link

 

[JulieN]

Smoking isn't the problem. I don't see why he can't apply for another job because he smokes? Quit smoking long enough to take a few drug tests! How much he makes isn't the problem.

What is a problem is that you don't respect him. (I'm not saying it's your fault, or you should, or anything like that.) But it's a problem that cannot exist if you want this to work out.

 

[Irishgrrrl]

My story is very similar to VesperGirl''s. I married my XH when we were both 22 years old (I''m 30 now), and we were married for about three years. We had been dating for three years prior to getting married, and I knew he was a pot smoker. I guess I thought it would get better as he got older and more mature, but he just got older. If anything, the pot smoking continually increased. By the time I left him, he needed to smoke every day in order to relax. But, in his opinion, he wasn''t addicted. No, he may not have been physically addicted, but he was most certainly psychologically addicted. Anyone who needs an illegal drug, and is unable to quit for whatever reason, is an addict. Period.

He did want to have children with me, and I refused to even entertain that idea until he quit smoking and stayed off the pot for one full year. He never did it ~ never even tried ~ and yet he continued to constantly hound me about getting pregnant. I could not and would not bring a child into a household with a drug addict, no matter how much I loved him. I would not subject a child to a parent who was unable to properly focus on parenting that child due to the effects of an illegal drug. I also would not subject a child to the second hand pot smoke that he/she would undoubtedly be inhaling in that household.

He also became very belligerent and unreasonable when he could not get pot ~ occasions when either his dealer didn''t have any to sell him or he didn''t have the money to buy any. It got to the point where he was taking money that I had set aside to pay bills, so that he could buy drugs. Several times, we came uncomfortably close to bouncing our mortgage check because of his addiction. All along, he was emotionally and verbally abusive to me. Ultimately, he became physically abusive. That was the dealbreaker for me, and I left him shortly after that. Leaving him was by far the best decision I ever made.

I remarried in July of 2005, and my XH just recently remarried. His new wife is someone that he used to buy pot from, and they recently had a baby. The baby was born with severe birth defects, and he only lived for two days.

Only you can decide what to do about this issue. But please be clear that the issue is not the difference in your salaries . . . it''s the difference in your lifestyles. Good luck to you, and please let us know how you''re doing.

 

[cantwait4life]

I just wanted everyone to know that I didn''t post and run. I''ve been reading and soaking in all the responses. I appreciate them all. I haven''t wanted to respond because I know myself and I know I''ll get defensive and I don''t want to do that with so many helpful/useful responses. I hope that makes sense. Thanks to everyone who has responded so far.

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 9/1/2008 8:35:13 PM
Author: cantwait4life
I just wanted everyone to know that I didn't post and run. I've been reading and soaking in all the responses. I appreciate them all. I haven't wanted to respond because I know myself and I know I'll get defensive and I don't want to do that with so many helpful/useful responses. I hope that makes sense. Thanks to everyone who has responded so far.

Thanks for checking in. To me this is not about money. It's obvious what the underlying problems are.
I wish you all the best going forward, this isn't easy for you I'm sure.

 

[little miss sunshine]

onedrop --- I use the expression "in my heart of hearts" ALL the time!! my husband thinks it''s so weird, but you used it your post!! Just thought it was a coincidence

Vespergirl - good advice... I have a brother in a similar situation.

cantwait4life... best of luck with this issue and whatever you decide to do!

 

[swingirl]

Date: 9/1/2008 7:30:11 PM
Author: littlelysser

Date: 9/1/2008 5:58:33 PM

Author: swingirl

You want to have kids with this man?? He might be your idea of the ''most incredible person'' but I doubt your children will feel so positively about their pot smoking dad.

I have to disagree with your statement about how future children may feel about their pot smoking dad.


I have a number of friends whose parents smoked pot throughout most of their lives...and they were wonderful parents that have great relationships with their children.


Although pot is illegal in the US (which is ludicrous, in my mind...but that is neither here nor there) - you cannot convince me that someone who smokes pot cannot be a wonderful parent/contributing member of society.

Occasionally smoking pot or drinking alcohol isn''t a problem. But someone who "can''t quit" and can''t get a job because of it is hardly going to make a good parent or good spouse, especially if both people aren''t in agreement about it.

Cantwait4life, I am glad you are thinking about this issue now.