Women, what if you make more than your husband?

[LuckyTexan]

I don''t want to sound rude, but what is an educated, intelligent, successful woman like yourself, doing with a going nowhere FAST pot smoker???

I''d say, the issue of you making more money isn''t the issue!

How will you raise your children? Is it ok? Daddy does it!

The other question I have is... if he does quit... who will he be then? Will he still be the cool guy you love so much? Something to think about!

A lot of drug dependent people (even legal ones like cigarettes and alcohol) become completely different people when they overcome those dependencies!

 

[Richard Sherwood]

Dump him, and let him find a pot smoker to be happy with.

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 9/1/2008 11:23:12 PM
Author: Richard Sherwood
Dump him, and let him find a pot smoker to be happy with.

Ditto. Someone I know married a hippie and a pothead in the 60''s...and he never quit. Plus he became an alcoholic, too. He could never hold down a job, and she ended up supporting him (and his habit) for many years. She finally divorced him after 25ish years because she got sick of it.

One of their two adult children has the same pothead/no job issue, and the other one has actually paid their dad''s rent a few times since he continues to not have a job.

If he can''t quit smoking and get a real job, I''d bail immediately. It''s one thing to date a pothead who makes $10/hour, but to marry one and have kids with him? Not smart.

 

[CJ2008]

I so could not deal with someone that smoked pot, even occasionally.

But even less, I couldn't deal with someone who wasn't ambitious and didn't want to continually grow and better themselves.

I could deal with someone making less $ than me if they were productive, happy, and again, continuing to grow, in whichever way, if not monetarily.

But cantwait, only you can answer what you can deal with, what type of partner you really want. It is your life, and only you know what makes you feel happy, what makes you feel good in a relationship. To me, in reality, love isn't enough...I want an equal partner, not someone I need to constantly motivate. I want someone who can motivate me once in a while.

You said that you "don't know what to do". But you probably already know what it is you want to do, or need to do, just make sure you're allowing yourself to see the answer, whatever it might be, however scary it might be. If the answer is to stay, and deal with whatever comes, that's fine - but do it with your eyes wide open.

 

[Haven]

Date: 9/2/2008 12:08:36 AM
Author: claudinam
I so could not deal with someone that smoked pot, even occasionally.

But even less, I couldn''t deal with someone who wasn''t ambitious and didn''t want to continually grow and better themselves.

I could deal with someone making less $ than me if they were productive, happy, and again, continuing to grow, in whichever way, if not monetarily.

But cantwait, only you can answer what you can deal with, what type of partner you really want. It is your life, and only you know what makes you feel happy, what makes you feel good in a relationship. To me, in reality, love isn''t enough...I want an equal partner, not someone I need to constantly motivate. I want someone who can motivate me once in a while.

You said that you ''don''t know what to do''. But you probably already know what it is you want to do, or need to do, just make sure you''re allowing yourself to see the answer, whatever it might be, however scary it might be. If the answer is to stay, and deal with whatever comes, that''s fine - but do it with your eyes wide open.

Ditto Claudina''s entire post. Big ditto.

cantwait--I''m sorry you''re dealing with this. After years of seeing friends and students experiment with, dabble in, fall in love with, and become addicted to drugs, I tend to believe that it is a form of self-medicating. I''m not sure what''s going on with your man, but I can''t think of one friend of mine who still does drugs regularly who isn''t using the drugs as a means of soothing some ailment in his life. I hope he finds a healthier way of dealing with whatever it is he''s dealing with, and I hope you can find peace with whatever decision you make. Good luck, I know this is tough.

 

[katamari]

Can''twait: You are asking a lot of questions so here it goes:

Can a family be raised on less than $65K? Yes, of course. The median US family household income in 2007 was $53K. $65 was closest to the 60th percentile. Add another $20K from your BF and you are easily in the top quarter of all households in terms of income.

Should a woman feel bad (or do they) for making more than their partner? Gosh, I hope not or gender equality doesn''t stand a chance.

But, I suspect the real question is, should you stay with your BF? Here, I suggest you talk to him. Does he know you think his habit is a problem? Has it stopped him from being who he wanted to be? Or just who you wanted him to be? Is it something he could stop if he wanted to? (Since it is more of a lifestyle/habitual addiction, this would mean he would have to want to stop). Does he see himself stopping, and if so, when?

Yes, I agree that if you want him to stop and he is not willing, then you may want to end the relationship. But, problems can never be solved unless they are identified as problems, so he deserves the heads up (prior, imo, to the breakup). Plus, given that you do make a very good income, he may think his earnings are ok (particularly since you don''t have kids) and that might be why he doesn''t try to get a better job (because, like many have said before me, you can get jobs that don''t test or stop for the test).

 

[jewelerman]

Date: 9/1/2008 11:23:12 PM
Author: Richard Sherwood
Dump him, and let him find a pot smoker to be happy with.

i agree with richard and hollys husband!...this man may be the love of your life but you deserve better in the relationship...money will come and go but this man is impaired and the quality he offers the relationship is sub- par...you will be baby sitting him through out your lives together and its not fair to you...your children ...and your family if you allow him to be in your life while on drugs...how come you are staying with a man who disrespects your relationship this way?Give him a chance...and then if he dosnt step up....go find your self a less selfish sober man with some self respect...there are many who are willing to be an equal partner!

 

[sevens one]

I don''t normally respond to these threads because my .02 ain''t worth sh*t.

I totally agree with Richard.

but after reading your response here:

I just wanted everyone to know that I didn''t post and run. I''ve been reading and soaking in all the responses. I appreciate them all. I haven''t wanted to respond because I know myself and I know I''ll get defensive and I don''t want to do that with so many helpful/useful responses. I hope that makes sense. Thanks to everyone who has responded so far



All I can say is enjoy married life to this guy. Sounds like your mind is made up. Let''s hope you don''t reproduce.

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 9/2/2008 5:07:53 PM
Author: sevens one
I don''t normally respond to these threads because my .02 ain''t worth sh*t.

I totally agree with Richard.

but after reading your response here:

I just wanted everyone to know that I didn''t post and run. I''ve been reading and soaking in all the responses. I appreciate them all. I haven''t wanted to respond because I know myself and I know I''ll get defensive and I don''t want to do that with so many helpful/useful responses. I hope that makes sense. Thanks to everyone who has responded so far



All I can say is enjoy married life to this guy. Sounds like your mind is made up. Let''s hope you don''t reproduce.

That was way harsh and totally not necessary

It also doesn''t sound like her mind is made up. It sounds like she wanted to get good feedback and helpful ideas from people without mixing in her emotions about the situation. When it comes to relationships, anyone would get defensive. I know I would. Maybe she just wanted to keep that part out of it.

 

[sevens one]

Date: 9/2/2008 5:12:49 PM
Author: fieryred33143

Date: 9/2/2008 5:07:53 PM
Author: sevens one
I don''t normally respond to these threads because my .02 ain''t worth sh*t.

I totally agree with Richard.

but after reading your response here:

I just wanted everyone to know that I didn''t post and run. I''ve been reading and soaking in all the responses. I appreciate them all. I haven''t wanted to respond because I know myself and I know I''ll get defensive and I don''t want to do that with so many helpful/useful responses. I hope that makes sense. Thanks to everyone who has responded so far



All I can say is enjoy married life to this guy. Sounds like your mind is made up. Let''s hope you don''t reproduce.

That was way harsh and totally not necessary

It also doesn''t sound like her mind is made up. It sounds like she wanted to get good feedback and helpful ideas from people without mixing in her emotions about the situation. When it comes to relationships, anyone would get defensive. I know I would. Maybe she just wanted to keep that part out of it.

don''t shake your head at me. I guess all opinions aren''t welcome here unless they are warm and fuzzy.
Let''s be serious here; the gal wants to know if she should marry this pot smoking dude. Come on.... are you kidding me?

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 9/2/2008 5:23:04 PM
Author: sevens one

Date: 9/2/2008 5:12:49 PM
Author: fieryred33143

Date: 9/2/2008 5:07:53 PM
Author: sevens one
I don''t normally respond to these threads because my .02 ain''t worth sh*t.

I totally agree with Richard.

but after reading your response here:

I just wanted everyone to know that I didn''t post and run. I''ve been reading and soaking in all the responses. I appreciate them all. I haven''t wanted to respond because I know myself and I know I''ll get defensive and I don''t want to do that with so many helpful/useful responses. I hope that makes sense. Thanks to everyone who has responded so far



All I can say is enjoy married life to this guy. Sounds like your mind is made up. Let''s hope you don''t reproduce.

That was way harsh and totally not necessary

It also doesn''t sound like her mind is made up. It sounds like she wanted to get good feedback and helpful ideas from people without mixing in her emotions about the situation. When it comes to relationships, anyone would get defensive. I know I would. Maybe she just wanted to keep that part out of it.

don''t shake your head at me. I guess all opinions aren''t welcome here unless they are warm and fuzzy.
Let''s be serious here; the gal wants to know if she should marry this pot smoking dude. Come on.... are you kidding me?

I totally agree that she shouldn''t unless he makes some serious changes and gets motivated to succeed. But the "let''s hope you don''t reproduce" bothers me. I read it as a "I hope you are never blessed with children" type of answer and that isn''t fair

 

[merrijoy]

Here is my $.02.

I don''t know if anyone else here has mentioned this, but pot smoking decreases sperm production and/or slows sperm down. This will create some heartache if you marry this man, he continues to smoke and you try to have children.

And as my mom always says, water seeks its own level. I am really curious because many professionals are with other professionals or at least someone that is somewhat driven to achieve. Do you socialize with a similar crowd to each other? What about when you go to your business events - ie Holiday parties? When your boss says to him "Nice to meet you, what do you do?" What will your Future DH say?

 

[HollyS]

Date: 9/1/2008 11:06:27 PM
Author: LuckyTexan
I don''t want to sound rude, but what is an educated, intelligent, successful woman like yourself, doing with a going nowhere FAST pot smoker???

I''d say, the issue of you making more money isn''t the issue!

How will you raise your children? Is it ok? Daddy does it!

The other question I have is... if he does quit... who will he be then? Will he still be the cool guy you love so much? Something to think about!

A lot of drug dependent people (even legal ones like cigarettes and alcohol) become completely different people when they overcome those dependencies!

I''m astounded that intelligent, educated people think any drug use is okay.

And someone who will not stop, does it everyday, to the point of not being free of it long enough to pass the piss test, is anything but an ''incredible'' guy.

 

[HollyS]

Date: 9/2/2008 5:31:53 PM
Author: fieryred33143

Date: 9/2/2008 5:23:04 PM
Author: sevens one

Date: 9/2/2008 5:12:49 PM
Author: fieryred33143

Date: 9/2/2008 5:07:53 PM
Author: sevens one
I don''t normally respond to these threads because my .02 ain''t worth sh*t.

I totally agree with Richard.

but after reading your response here:

I just wanted everyone to know that I didn''t post and run. I''ve been reading and soaking in all the responses. I appreciate them all. I haven''t wanted to respond because I know myself and I know I''ll get defensive and I don''t want to do that with so many helpful/useful responses. I hope that makes sense. Thanks to everyone who has responded so far



All I can say is enjoy married life to this guy. Sounds like your mind is made up. Let''s hope you don''t reproduce.

That was way harsh and totally not necessary

It also doesn''t sound like her mind is made up. It sounds like she wanted to get good feedback and helpful ideas from people without mixing in her emotions about the situation. When it comes to relationships, anyone would get defensive. I know I would. Maybe she just wanted to keep that part out of it.

don''t shake your head at me. I guess all opinions aren''t welcome here unless they are warm and fuzzy.
Let''s be serious here; the gal wants to know if she should marry this pot smoking dude. Come on.... are you kidding me?

I totally agree that she shouldn''t unless he makes some serious changes and gets motivated to succeed. But the ''let''s hope you don''t reproduce'' bothers me. I read it as a ''I hope you are never blessed with children'' type of answer and that isn''t fair

Children should never be reared by people who cannot either get off drugs or throw the bottle away. That''s what she is saying, and she''s right. As long as the OP is with this guy, children should not be part of their relationship . . . unless he gets clean and stays clean.

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 9/2/2008 8:11:28 PM
Author: HollyS

Date: 9/2/2008 5:31:53 PM
Author: fieryred33143

Date: 9/2/2008 5:23:04 PM
Author: sevens one

Date: 9/2/2008 5:12:49 PM
Author: fieryred33143

Date: 9/2/2008 5:07:53 PM
Author: sevens one
I don''t normally respond to these threads because my .02 ain''t worth sh*t.

I totally agree with Richard.

but after reading your response here:

I just wanted everyone to know that I didn''t post and run. I''ve been reading and soaking in all the responses. I appreciate them all. I haven''t wanted to respond because I know myself and I know I''ll get defensive and I don''t want to do that with so many helpful/useful responses. I hope that makes sense. Thanks to everyone who has responded so far



All I can say is enjoy married life to this guy. Sounds like your mind is made up. Let''s hope you don''t reproduce.

That was way harsh and totally not necessary

It also doesn''t sound like her mind is made up. It sounds like she wanted to get good feedback and helpful ideas from people without mixing in her emotions about the situation. When it comes to relationships, anyone would get defensive. I know I would. Maybe she just wanted to keep that part out of it.

don''t shake your head at me. I guess all opinions aren''t welcome here unless they are warm and fuzzy.
Let''s be serious here; the gal wants to know if she should marry this pot smoking dude. Come on.... are you kidding me?

I totally agree that she shouldn''t unless he makes some serious changes and gets motivated to succeed. But the ''let''s hope you don''t reproduce'' bothers me. I read it as a ''I hope you are never blessed with children'' type of answer and that isn''t fair

Children should never be reared by people who cannot either get off drugs or throw the bottle away. That''s what she is saying, and she''s right. As long as the OP is with this guy, children should not be part of their relationship . . . unless he gets clean and stays clean.

Thank you Holly, that''s exactly what she was saying...

 

[littlelysser]

While I agree that someone who is unable to stop using drugs has a problem, I don't understand how educated and intelligent people fail to see the DIFFERENCE between a person who smokes pot and a person who uses heroin, cocaine, etc...

There is a huge difference between the two. I have a number of friends that smoke pot - one has her Phd and is a freaking genius, and I can't tell you the number of successful professionals I know that smoke rather regularly. I have another friend that is a successful chemist and is a self-proclaimed pot head. Oh, and not a single one of them does any other illegal drugs. Ever. I don't know a single person that uses heroin or cocaine that has any real success in life.

Perhaps the failure to see the difference between pot and other drugs is more of a generational or political issue, as opposed to an issue of intelligence and education.

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 9/2/2008 8:32:57 PM
Author: littlelysser
While I agree that someone who is unable to stop using drugs has a problem, I don''t understand how educated and intelligent people fail to see the DIFFERENCE between a person who smokes pot and a person who uses heroin, cocaine, etc...


There is a huge difference between the two. I have a number of friends that smoke pot - one has her Phd and is a freaking genius, and I can''t tell you the number of successful prefessionals I know that smoke rather regularly. I have another friend that is a successful chemist and is a self-proclaimed pot head. Oh, and not a single one of them does any other illegal drugs. Ever. I don''t know a single person that uses heroin or cocaine that has any real success in life.


Perhaps the failure to see the difference between pot and other drugs is more of a generational issue, as opposed to an issue of intelligence and education.

Well I''m 27 and I''d have a real problem being with someone who smokes so much weed they can''t get a real job. I do believe pot is less destructive physically and probably also mentally than heroin or cocaine, but I also believe people can be just as addicted to pot as any other drug.

And I do know many people who started with pot and didn''t stop. One of my old friends from high school started out doing bong hits every day before and after school, and the last I heard about him was that he''s now a heroin addict and is in pretty bad shape.

Plus, pot''s illegal, and could potentially prevent someone from getting a job, which the OP mentioned as the reason her boyfriend doesn''t have a better job. And he could get arrested and leave her raising kids by herself. Do I think pot should even be illegal? Nope! But I also don''t think someone who is apparently addicted to it is marriage material, either.

 

[HollyS]

Date: 9/2/2008 8:32:57 PM
Author: littlelysser
While I agree that someone who is unable to stop using drugs has a problem, I don''t understand how educated and intelligent people fail to see the DIFFERENCE between a person who smokes pot and a person who uses heroin, cocaine, etc...

There is a huge difference between the two. I have a number of friends that smoke pot - one has her Phd and is a freaking genius, and I can''t tell you the number of successful prefessionals I know that smoke rather regularly. I have another friend that is a successful chemist and is a self-proclaimed pot head. Oh, and not a single one of them does any other illegal drugs. Ever. I don''t know a single person that uses heroin or cocaine that has any real success in life.

Perhaps the failure to see the difference between pot and other drugs is more of a generational issue, as opposed to an issue of intelligence and education.

No. My ''failure to see the difference'' is a failure in your mind. Not mine. There is no difference. And it''s certainly not ''generational''. My age group did plenty of toking during the seventies. And we weren''t cool then, either. Most people eventually outgrow the stupid things they do as teenagers. Or they should.

 

[Gypsy]

I agree with the majority of the posts here and want to add my thoughts.

My fiance is the most amazing man I know in so many ways. I wouldn't be marrying him in 19 days if this wasn't the case.

I make more than my future husband. It hasn't always been this way, he suported me for a long while. But in the last few years, I've made continuously more than him, and now make about twice what he makes (and he makes a good amount). I can tell it bothers him sometimes. He says things occassionally. I get to go to work in sweats if I want to, and he always has to wear professional dress and he will say something like "isn't it funny that no one looking at us would guess that you make X a year and I make X." But he admits to it when I ask him about it. And we talk about it, and I always say (and MEAN IT) that for me it's not the amount of $$ we put in that makes the difference it's the effort. And we both work very hard, do our best at our jobs, and I think, put in equal effort.

BUT there are a few reasons why I didn't feel I could marry him until this last year. One of them was his lack of ambition and the fact that he's a dreamer, and the dreaming interfered with reality. I know it sounds weird to say that someone who was a dreamer lacked ambition. But it was the case. And he almost lost me. But he got help, we both worked very hard on it, and made it to the other side. He would do anything to stay with me. For a while, I became his ambition, until he could find another one for himself.

He's also never EVER been irresponsible in any other way. Has never exposed me to harm (and frequently has kept me from it) and would never do anything to place me at risk.

So, believe me it's not about the money. And (because my thoughts on the subject are illegal drug use have already been stated) for me, what is it about is the fact that... honey it doesn't sound like he really appreciates you, cherishes you and values you and your relationship the way that he should. If he did, he would get help, he would do what it takes to keep you, to make you happy, to protect your life together and make it work. It doesn't sound like you are a priority to him, or like he is putting in equal effort. And, I hate saying this but I think I need to... he sounds like he is living off of you. I say this regardless of gender, you could be the guy and him the lady and I would still say this. A drug user, who makes no effort to get a better job, to contribute to the relationship the way his partner needs him to... sound like someone who is using that partner.

I think you need to go talk to someone. To go to a support group or a counselor for people in relationships with drug users. See how you feel after a few months of therapy and support from people who understand where you are... and who have gotten past it in their own lives. Then see where life takes you.

 

[littlelysser]

Date: 9/2/2008 8:46:48 PM
Author: HollyS

No. My 'failure to see the difference' is a failure in your mind. Not mine. There is no difference. And it's certainly not 'generational'. My age group did plenty of toking during the seventies. And we weren't cool then, either. Most people eventually outgrow the stupid things they do as teenagers. Or they should.

Holly - I believe that we are both entitled to our opinions. In my opinion, to say there is no difference between a person who smokes pot and a person addicted to heroin is absolutely ludicrous. I believe pot is decriminalized in Canada and it is decriminalized in Holland...heroin and other illegal drugs are not.

Marijuana is not physically addictive. One does not go into withdrawal if it is not available. One cannot overdose on marijuana. Mind you, alcohol is legal and is physically addictive, can cause an overdose and addicts often go through horrible withdrawals if it is not available.

I can understand if your issue is that marijuana is illegal, like heroin and the other harder drugs. But to say there is no difference really and truly boggles my mind.

ETA - Thing 2 - Please understand I'm not saying that younger people think it is okay to a be a total stoner that refuses to abstain long enough to get a job or improve his/her life. That is definitely NOT what I'm saying. I'm also not saying that one can't abuse pot or can't have addiction issues with it, or that it won't lead someone to take harder drugs...

My only point is that marijuana use is simply not the same as using/abusing other, harder drugs.

 

[sna77]

I would love if my wife made signifigantly more than me... No ego here at all, I could honestly care less...

Seriously though, I really don''t care... My wife and I make exactly the same base right now--we''ve been jockying for the lead for the past 3-4 years with one jumping up by $6-7k, then the other catching up and passing... I consider it a challenege...

Personally, I always knew that whomever i married would be a business woman of sorts--some guys want their wives to stay at home and raise kids... not me--I''ve always wanted someone who''d be working too... If she quits work, so do I...

 

[ursulawrite]

I made more money than previous boyfriends, and it didn''t bother either of us. My husband makes twenty times more than I do now, but that''s a function of me being a writer, and him being a partner in a law firm. I haven''t given up on that battle, though (film rights, o how I pray for thee

).

To the OP, I ditched my first serious boyfriend over the same issue. We were both potheads, united in apathy, divided only by a drum solo here, a bass line there--a differential we could discuss, at length, at a mumble, while the world rolled on by. Some people are not good with drugs. Some people prefer to make drugs the centre of their universe and step away from responsibility. I count myself among one of that sorry number. (My brother is a solid SVP, too.) Only you can decide whether your boyfriend--like several of my friends--has the means to remain operational, remain at one with the world, or if he and drugs truly don''t mix. I suspect your inklings put him in the latter category.

 

[LaurenThePartier]

Date: 9/2/2008 8:46:30 PM
Author: thing2of2

Date: 9/2/2008 8:32:57 PM
Author: littlelysser
While I agree that someone who is unable to stop using drugs has a problem, I don't understand how educated and intelligent people fail to see the DIFFERENCE between a person who smokes pot and a person who uses heroin, cocaine, etc...


There is a huge difference between the two. I have a number of friends that smoke pot - one has her Phd and is a freaking genius, and I can't tell you the number of successful prefessionals I know that smoke rather regularly. I have another friend that is a successful chemist and is a self-proclaimed pot head. Oh, and not a single one of them does any other illegal drugs. Ever. I don't know a single person that uses heroin or cocaine that has any real success in life.


Perhaps the failure to see the difference between pot and other drugs is more of a generational issue, as opposed to an issue of intelligence and education.

Well I'm 27 and I'd have a real problem being with someone who smokes so much weed they can't get a real job. I do believe pot is less destructive physically and probably also mentally than heroin or cocaine, but I also believe people can be just as addicted to pot as any other drug.

And I do know many people who started with pot and didn't stop. One of my old friends from high school started out doing bong hits every day before and after school, and the last I heard about him was that he's now a heroin addict and is in pretty bad shape.

Plus, pot's illegal, and could potentially prevent someone from getting a job, which the OP mentioned as the reason her boyfriend doesn't have a better job. And he could get arrested and leave her raising kids by herself. Do I think pot should even be illegal? Nope! But I also don't think someone who is apparently addicted to it is marriage material, either.

We all know people who prove the rule, but I bet we all know people who are exceptions to the rule, and most of you probably don't even know it.

I, too, have a problem with someone who is unable to cope with the normal day-to-day duties that, as the "man of the house", he should be motivated to take on. I have a problem with someone who smokes and will likely tell you constantly that they can quit anytime they want, but who lacks the drive to actually do it. I have a problem with someone who can't even gather the drive to go back to school to help himself and his future family.

I don't believe pot is the *reason* he is unable to motivate himself to quit for a few weeks so he can pass a drug test. I think many, many people would be astounded at the sheer number of successful professionals who partake now and then, even daily. I know I was shocked, and as someone who has never smoked even a cigarette, drinks barely 3 glasses of wine in a single sitting, it was a huge LEAP for me to get to a place where I can accept casual and recreational marijuana use in the same vein that I accept alcohol at parties and as a way to wind down at the end of the day.

Marijuana will likely be decriminailzed or even legal in our lifetime, and CA is already full of medicinal marijuana prescription holders and the "pharmacies" that support them. I don't believe that it's a "gateway drug" any more so than alcohol and tobacco. It could just be that I know that I interact with exceptions to the rule every single day, and they are some of the most intelligent, established people I know, and I know those people would be the same successful people if they didn't smoke.

 

[HollyS]

Date: 9/2/2008 9:22:41 PM
Author: littlelysser

Date: 9/2/2008 8:46:48 PM
Author: HollyS

No. My ''failure to see the difference'' is a failure in your mind. Not mine. There is no difference. And it''s certainly not ''generational''. My age group did plenty of toking during the seventies. And we weren''t cool then, either. Most people eventually outgrow the stupid things they do as teenagers. Or they should.

Holly - I believe that we are both entitled to our opinions. In my opinion, to say there is no difference between a person who smokes pot and a person addicted to heroin is absolutely ludicrous. I believe pot is decriminalized in Canada and it is decriminalized in Holland...heroin and other illegal drugs are not.

Marijuana is not physically addictive. One does not go into withdrawal if it is not available. One cannot overdose on marijuana. Mind you, alcohol is legal and is physically addictive, can cause an overdose and addicts often go through horrible withdrawals if it is not available.

I can understand if your issue is that marijuana is illegal, like heroin and the other harder drugs. But to say there is no difference really and truly boggles my mind.

ETA - Thing 2 - Please understand I''m not saying that younger people think it is okay to a be a total stoner that refuses to abstain long enough to get a job or improve his/her life. That is definitely NOT what I''m saying. I''m also not saying that one can''t abuse pot or can''t have addiction issues with it, or that it won''t lead someone to take harder drugs...

My only point is that marijuana use is simply not the same as using/abusing other, harder drugs.

You can find many websites about the negative, addictive aspects of smoking even a small amount of weed on a regular or semi-regular basis. Here''s one: www.marijuana-addiction.info/statistics.html

There are literally hundreds of other sites; take your pick.

 

[Linda W]

Date: 9/2/2008 11:48:37 PM
Author: HollyS

Date: 9/2/2008 9:22:41 PM

Author: littlelysser

Date: 9/2/2008 8:46:48 PM

Author: HollyS


No. My ''failure to see the difference'' is a failure in your mind. Not mine. There is no difference. And it''s certainly not ''generational''. My age group did plenty of toking during the seventies. And we weren''t cool then, either. Most people eventually outgrow the stupid things they do as teenagers. Or they should.

Holly - I believe that we are both entitled to our opinions. In my opinion, to say there is no difference between a person who smokes pot and a person addicted to heroin is absolutely ludicrous. I believe pot is decriminalized in Canada and it is decriminalized in Holland...heroin and other illegal drugs are not.


Marijuana is not physically addictive. One does not go into withdrawal if it is not available. One cannot overdose on marijuana. Mind you, alcohol is legal and is physically addictive, can cause an overdose and addicts often go through horrible withdrawals if it is not available.


I can understand if your issue is that marijuana is illegal, like heroin and the other harder drugs. But to say there is no difference really and truly boggles my mind.


ETA - Thing 2 - Please understand I''m not saying that younger people think it is okay to a be a total stoner that refuses to abstain long enough to get a job or improve his/her life. That is definitely NOT what I''m saying. I''m also not saying that one can''t abuse pot or can''t have addiction issues with it, or that it won''t lead someone to take harder drugs...


My only point is that marijuana use is simply not the same as using/abusing other, harder drugs.

You can find many websites about the negative, addictive aspects of smoking even a small amount of weed on a regular or semi-regular basis. Here''s one: www.marijuana-addiction.info/statistics.html


There are literally hundreds of other sites; take your pick.

Holly, I agree 100% with you on this. A friends son was addicted to Pot, which led to harder drugs. He now is a mess. His parents are heartbroken over this.

Linda

 

[Dreamer_D]

Date: 9/2/2008 10:48:46 PM
Author: LaurenThePartier

I don''t believe pot is the *reason* he is unable to motivate himself to quit for a few weeks so he can pass a drug test. I think many, many people would be astounded at the sheer number of successful professionals who partake now and then, even daily. I know I was shocked, and as someone who has never smoked even a cigarette, drinks barely 3 glasses of wine in a single sitting, it was a huge LEAP for me to get to a place where I can accept casual and recreational marijuana use in the same vein that I accept alcohol at parties and as a way to wind down at the end of the day.

Lauren, are you sure you don''t live in Vancouver, British Columbia?

That''s where I grew up, and you are definitely describing a very large percentage of the highly successful population in that city.

 

[D2B]

You know at the end of the day, it comes down to this for me.

1. if you plan to have children - do your future children a favour and walk away, daddy smoking pot in the living room while toddlers and school children play in the living room, with associated pot smoking friends, is not a good healthy role model for children. As a mother it is will be your job to protect your children, a daily drugged up dad who cant or wont hold down a job and must smoke drugs daily, is no role model and is carrying out illegal behaviour in your house. Hmmm, playdates etc will become quite complicated in later years, it will be a lot of hassle and bad rolemodeling, and quite likely your potential children will take up daddy''s habit when they are teens, again is that what you want?

2. if you are happy not to have children, well then you are a grown woman, decide if you can life with his unmotivated, druggie lifestyle, and dont expect him to change, if anything it might escalate as the years go by.

I am also curious about your friendship circles, if you dont smoke, are you comfortable with him and his fellow smokers in your house, what about if they do harder drugs as well - all no good for me, but for you it may be OK, just dont expect it to change or improve.

good luck, but dont bring a children into this.

d2b

 

[bee*]

Date: 9/1/2008 11:06:06 AM
Author: neatfreak
The money obviously isn''t the issue here...''smoking'' on occasion is one thing. Having no motivation and being stoned all the time is another. Unfortunately it just doesn''t sound like he''s ready to enter the real world and be a real partner to you.



I would most certainly marry a man who makes less than me (and who knows, my hubby very well might make less than me in a few years when I finish grad school), but not under the circumstances you''ve described. This isn''t about the $.

totally agree with NF. I don''t think that it''s the money that is the issue, it''s his smoking and lack of motivation that would worry me.

 

[violet02]

Date: 9/2/2008 9:22:41 PM
Author: littlelysser

Date: 9/2/2008 8:46:48 PM
Author: HollyS

No. My ''failure to see the difference'' is a failure in your mind. Not mine. There is no difference. And it''s certainly not ''generational''. My age group did plenty of toking during the seventies. And we weren''t cool then, either. Most people eventually outgrow the stupid things they do as teenagers. Or they should.

Holly - I believe that we are both entitled to our opinions. In my opinion, to say there is no difference between a person who smokes pot and a person addicted to heroin is absolutely ludicrous. I believe pot is decriminalized in Canada and it is decriminalized in Holland...heroin and other illegal drugs are not.

Marijuana is not physically addictive. One does not go into withdrawal if it is not available. One cannot overdose on marijuana. Mind you, alcohol is legal and is physically addictive, can cause an overdose and addicts often go through horrible withdrawals if it is not available.

I can understand if your issue is that marijuana is illegal, like heroin and the other harder drugs. But to say there is no difference really and truly boggles my mind.

ETA - Thing 2 - Please understand I''m not saying that younger people think it is okay to a be a total stoner that refuses to abstain long enough to get a job or improve his/her life. That is definitely NOT what I''m saying. I''m also not saying that one can''t abuse pot or can''t have addiction issues with it, or that it won''t lead someone to take harder drugs...

My only point is that marijuana use is simply not the same as using/abusing other, harder drugs.

I don''t want to fuel a big argument here but I have in my lifetime known all types of drug abusers, from those that didn''t make it, to those that did and those that have done anything from Crack, to Heroin, to Coke, to Pot and beyond... There is a difference between them. I agree with littelyser. Someone addicted to crack or heroin has chilled my blood a thousand times more than a person I''ve seen that''s a pot smoker. They''re not even close and trust me i''ve never done crack or heroin but I know people that have and been in some nasty situations... I also know people that use medical marijuana to help with the painful cancer treatments they are going through... I know people that run medical marijuana clinics. I do not personally smoke pot and I''ve never been into it. I''m just agreeing that there is a BIG difference between a pot user and a crack smoker or heroin user. And yes I''d say alcohol is almost worse in some cases, my step-brother is a recovering alcoholic... i''ve seen him on pot, dealable... on alcohol, out of control. Scary. Had to lock him in a closet once to stop him from hurting himself and others...

I have also known people that have smoked pot daily and been de-motivated. I''d chalk that up to more than just pot use because i know pot smokers that are highly productive workers as well. There''s just more going on there with this guy... not just the pot smoking. The first step though to help with that demotiivation obviously would be to take a break from smoking pot and clear out the head. Ditto to what Haven said too, (unless you''re using it medically ie medical marijuana...) regular drug users are using as a means to soothe an ailment, fill a void, avoid issues etc. This is absolutely true. There''s not one drug users out there that''s a regular user doing it ''just because''.

Anyways, what I also wanted to add to this is that I have generally made more money than almost every boyfriend I''ve had... particularly if I''m the one in the tech job and they aren''t. Up until my current FI and the bf before last.. they have made less. And not one of them didn''t have a problem with it. They all somehow felt demasculated, irritated I don''t know what or why. But while they''d take my money, let me pay for stuff, it bugged them and got under their skin. I''m sure it was the losers I dated but I''m just saying, it wasn''t an easy situation. I do have friends that make more than their guys though but their guys are able to make just as much, they just do things like trade off... she goes to work, he stays home with the kids, then vice versa.

cantwait4life: Back in the 90s I dated a guy with a salary discrepance similar to yours. He was a great guy too. We weren''t meant to be of course but all that aside, we could have totally made it on that salary difference. You can make it work... lots of people make less than that and can make it work.. but my bf at the time also was at a job he was working his way up at in a small town.. and eventually he made more money. So there was that at least. In your case honestly, no matter how much I loved the guy I would not marry someone who could not go out and get and keep a job, no matter what the pay. Pot smoking aside for a moment.... If he won''t commit to going to school, go, attend classes, finish etc... get a job on his own and keep it.... no, not just keep it but work towards MORE, then you''re in for a long painful road. How he acts now is very important. Getting married won''t change that later on. Now is the time. The pot smoking is a crutch and an excuse. It''s not the pot, it''s him... he''s the problem. He''s obviously not happy somehow in his life.

 

[littlelysser]

Holly - I can also find a bazillion websites that say differently from the one you quoted, which by the way is a broken link. I can also find a million websites that say the same things about alcohol. And I know that you are intelligent enough to know that just about anyone can put up a website, saying anything they want.

All of the anecdotal stories and stories of a friend's son who used pot and then moved onto to harder drugs does not change the fact that I personally know a large number of people who are marijuana smokers who have NEVER moved onto harder drugs and are lawyers, university professors, scientists, etc.

Are there people that use marijuana as a gateway drug and then move onto harder drugs, of course. Are there people that smoke that get completely unmotivated and do nothing with their lives? Of course. BUT there are also people who are regular smokers who are highly educated and motivated and who never moved onto any harder drugs.

If marijuana were legal, would your opinion of it change?