Very Sensitive- not PG topic about marriage

[iheartscience]

When I started dating my husband I thought I never wanted to get married, and told him that often. Good thing he decided to roll with it when I realized I wanted to get married, and that I wanted to marry him specifically.

Oh and I also used to tell him diamond rings were stupid and I never wanted one. (What can I say, I was 21 and didn't know any better!) Clearly he's managed to move past my 180 degree turnaround on that one.

Those things didn't make you who you are as a person, though. Of course our tastes and dislikes and opinions change over the years--totally normal. Being an asexual person or having a low drive is probably something not likely to change, IMO, especially since there's no underlying medical reason for it. Radiant said his hormone levels checked out fine.

In any case, Radiant, I hope you and your husband can figure something out that works for both of you and makes you happy! He might never be a 5x a week guy, but some sort of compromise can hopefully be reached.

Movie Zombie, I really liked your post.

Really? One's beliefs don't make them who they are as a person? But their sex drive does? Hm.

 

[partgypsy]

We had the full work up at the doctors to try and find out what the problem is. The doc says he is fine.

I am sure that he isnt releasing otherwise. Without grossing out the internet just let me assure you I know.

He is into his computer games and thats it. No ****. I tried for 3 months to find **** with no sign.

I have asked him before if he is gay and he says no. I am even considering asking him again and telling him that I will keep his secret. I can have a dude on the side and so can he...Its to the point that I have nearly convinced myself that he must be gay.

Ahh, that might explain it. I was even going to ask in my previous post if he was a gamer. Some of these guys get so into the games that they don't have time or energy for anything (or anyone) else. I've heard of guys sitting at the computer for days(!), not showering or sleeping, because they were so hooked on World of Warcraft or similar.

I also agree that it sounds like he is just asexual. Not gay.

I haven't read all the comments, but can you dress up like any of the women in the games he plays

 

[tammy77]

I don't think he's being fair to you. Did he play these computer games all the time when you first were married? I'd seriously be removing all the power cables from the computer and tell him that when YOUR "entertainment" needs are met, he can meet his!

Sorry to sound so flippant, but really it's not okay for him to escape from reality through gaming while you're emotionally hurting. I know that you say that it's just sex that you're missing, but there's a HUGE emotional connection to sex with our husbands. It has to be really painful that he's not willing to meet you in the middle (or at all apparently). It's not like you're asking him to paint the house or some other grueling project.

 

[Laila619]

When I started dating my husband I thought I never wanted to get married, and told him that often. Good thing he decided to roll with it when I realized I wanted to get married, and that I wanted to marry him specifically.

Oh and I also used to tell him diamond rings were stupid and I never wanted one. (What can I say, I was 21 and didn't know any better!) Clearly he's managed to move past my 180 degree turnaround on that one.

Those things didn't make you who you are as a person, though. Of course our tastes and dislikes and opinions change over the years--totally normal. Being an asexual person or having a low drive is probably something not likely to change, IMO, especially since there's no underlying medical reason for it. Radiant said his hormone levels checked out fine.

In any case, Radiant, I hope you and your husband can figure something out that works for both of you and makes you happy! He might never be a 5x a week guy, but some sort of compromise can hopefully be reached.

Movie Zombie, I really liked your post.

Really? One's beliefs don't make them who they are as a person? But their sex drive does? Hm.

Sigh. Yes, you wanting or not wanting a diamond ring defines who you are as a person. Right.

Let me ask you this then--RQ's husband is probably just asexual. If that's how is brain is wired, what can one do to possibly change that?

 

[iheartscience]

When I started dating my husband I thought I never wanted to get married, and told him that often. Good thing he decided to roll with it when I realized I wanted to get married, and that I wanted to marry him specifically.

Oh and I also used to tell him diamond rings were stupid and I never wanted one. (What can I say, I was 21 and didn't know any better!) Clearly he's managed to move past my 180 degree turnaround on that one.

Those things didn't make you who you are as a person, though. Of course our tastes and dislikes and opinions change over the years--totally normal. Being an asexual person or having a low drive is probably something not likely to change, IMO, especially since there's no underlying medical reason for it. Radiant said his hormone levels checked out fine.

In any case, Radiant, I hope you and your husband can figure something out that works for both of you and makes you happy! He might never be a 5x a week guy, but some sort of compromise can hopefully be reached.

Movie Zombie, I really liked your post.

Really? One's beliefs don't make them who they are as a person? But their sex drive does? Hm.

Sigh. Yes, you wanting or not wanting a diamond ring defines who you are as a person. Right.

Let me ask you this then--RQ's husband is probably just asexual. If that's how is brain is wired, what can one do to possibly change that?

Sigh. Have you ever heard of feminism? Many feminists dislike the institution of marriage and don't want to be a part of it. Likewise with diamonds. When I met my now-husband I had no desire to take part in the institution of marriage, and told him so repeatedly. He was fine with it, but luckily was also fine when I changed my mind.

And we have no idea whether RQ's husband is asexual. True asexuality seems to be pretty rare. I think it's more likely that depression or other relationship issues are at play.

 

[Circe]

The thing is, true asexuals are very rare. If he were one, it's unlikely that he'd have pursued sexual relationships in the past, which RQ mentions is the case. And if he were one, it seems ... problematic ... to be married to somebody who isn't one without prior discussion.

The situation as it stands is that they both had low sex drives: they both want kids; RQ went off birth control, and her sex drive shot up in response. She's on-track for her half of that agreement. If he intends to work towards kids with her, sexual satisfaction aside, he needs to at least explore the issue to see if there IS anything that can be done to bring him up to speed with her.

And if not ... well, that's when alternatives, from being monogamish to whatever else, become imminent.

ETA - crosspost with Thing - sorry, and (as usual!), ditto!

 

[radiantquest]

I took a different approach last night with him. I told him that all I want is to understand and I told him I wanted to explore all possiblities. I asked if he wants to go to the dr because I dont want him to be in pain, I asked if he wanted a 3some, I asked if he was bored, I asked if he wanted a free pass, I asked if he wanted me to seek it elsewhere. The funny part is when I was allowing him to get it elsewhere it wasnt what he wanted, but it didnt disturb him. As soon as I mentioned me seeking it elsewhere he got very offended.

I explained that I dont want to put fault on him for the way it is and that I undertand how confusing it must be, but that I have 12 yrs of hormones hitting me all at once.(was on depo since 2000) Im not sure if that is true, but that is how it feels.

I told him that I dont expect him to feel the way I do, and that all I am asking for is compromise.

I explained that I would be over the moon if we made love every day, but that I respect that its not the same for him and as long as I am not left to my own devices all the time I would be appreciative.

We agreed that he will try a little harder and I will not pester.

Today when I got home from work I was in the mood of course and expressed my feelings. HE MET ME HALF WAY if ya know what I mean

To anyone that is currently having a similar situation an idea we had was foreplay to completion. I will be happy and it is less rough on him while still being very intimate and loving.

I know PS threads can get heated and Im sorry if I caused any ill will among members, but I believe its obvious that this thread had helped me immensely!!! Thank you

 

[Haven]

I'm so happy to hear this, RQ! I hope this is just the beginning. I found that things started to snowball for us once we got on the right track, if you know what I mean.

 

[onedrop]

RQ: I am elated to read that there was a breakthrough in your situation. Her's hoping that the positive trend continues!!! I did start to worry about where this thread was headed in terms of advice, but I am glad that you were able to get something positive from it.

 

[rosetta]

Awesome.

You've inspired me to try a bit harder for my old man (whose drive far outstrips mine and mine is none too shabby to begin with. Ok, I'll stop right now before it's TMI)

Keep up the good work RQ!

 

[movie zombie]

glad to hear it!

there is a sex therapy for couples that intercourse is not the object not is orgasm. it is all about foreplay. in fact, it sets limits on how far the foreplay can go....so that each day there is a progression [and i'm betting a build up of desire!]. the idea is to take the pressure off achieving anything and merely being in the enjoyable moment. seems like you two have found it on your own!

 

[Imdanny]

We are the opposite in our house. I am happier with a nice book and a bar of chocolate

Without getting personal, um, yeah.

Good luck, OP. I haven't read the whole thread but it seems like you've been given very good advice vis a vis talking to him, covering the possible medical ground, and not going outside the relationship.

 

[Dancing Fire]

never thought i can learn so much about sex on a diamond forum..

 

[Needtogoanon]

RQ, I am a somewhat regular poster but wanted to go anonymous for this b/c it's personal and embarrassing. You had mentioned that your DH had said something about it hurting down there, though he didn't go into details. That caught my eye, b/c I have what I believe is a chronic vulvar pain condition called vulvodynia. In my research, I read that there is a male version of vulvodynia, but I can't remember the terminology. I've been flipping through my books trying to ferret it out.

Anyway, the point of me mentioning this is that with me, the pain of sex can be so bad that it feels like my husband has knives strapped to my penis at times. The pain has gotten better, but each time we have sex, I remain sore for a week after and become very itchy (sometimes the symptoms of vulvodynia mimic a yeast infection). The pain has totally killed my sex drive. I've been to drs who have given me estrogen creams, etc. but nothing has helped. Is it possible that your husband might have the male version? It's very embarrassing so I can see why he would be reluctant to talk to a medical professional about it (and obviously I'm embarrassed, hence my anonymity).

 

[perry]

RadiantQuest:

I have been occupied elsewhere for the last week; but, let me congradulate you on being open with your husband and raising the various possibilities. Also, I am glad that you have made progress.

Before I had read of your breakthrough I had outlined in my head my advice: I still think it is appropriate and may improve things in the future.

First (and for everyone else): - there may in fact be nothing wrong with him medically, or even emotionally. Some men just do not have a very high libedo (even if that is rare).

Second: Many men (and women) really do not wish to talk about their sexual issues - even to their partner (and not to a professional). I believe that Men tend to have more sexual problems as they age than woman (and no - Viagra and other drugs do not always fix the issues).

Third - and most important: You did not marry just to have sex. You married for many other reasons - and the sex is just a part of the mariage. Remember that, and you need to rekindle those other items; in both of you.

Fourth: Often times the most effective strategy is to do something else. May I suggest that you both read - The 5 Love Languages - to help on your overall relationship (Item 3 above). It may well be that when the both of you are done with that book that you will find other ways to more effectively "love" each other.

Fifth: I agree that a normal affair is not worth having; but that in certain cases having another sexual partner is the long term solution. But it is absolutely necessary for your husband to be involved in such a decission. While he is currently offended by the idea - that may change depending on how other things work out. You also have to be very careful on how such a relationship is structured up front to prevent it from becoming excessively emotional and interfering with the marriage.

Sixth: An idea to propose later (after The 5 Love Languages). There are many "Sexual Retreats" which are not "Formal" counseling; but which can help you both learn to better interact.

------

I wish you the best,

Perry

 

[Porridge]

RQ, I am a somewhat regular poster but wanted to go anonymous for this b/c it's personal and embarrassing. You had mentioned that your DH had said something about it hurting down there, though he didn't go into details. That caught my eye, b/c I have what I believe is a chronic vulvar pain condition called vulvodynia. In my research, I read that there is a male version of vulvodynia, but I can't remember the terminology. I've been flipping through my books trying to ferret it out.

Anyway, the point of me mentioning this is that with me, the pain of sex can be so bad that it feels like my husband has knives strapped to my penis at times. The pain has gotten better, but each time we have sex, I remain sore for a week after and become very itchy (sometimes the symptoms of vulvodynia mimic a yeast infection). The pain has totally killed my sex drive. I've been to drs who have given me estrogen creams, etc. but nothing has helped. Is it possible that your husband might have the male version? It's very embarrassing so I can see why he would be reluctant to talk to a medical professional about it (and obviously I'm embarrassed, hence my anonymity).

One of my very good friends (female) has from this and it sounds awful! She suffers terribly. I haven't heard of the male version but it's a very possible reason, worth exploring.

 

[radiantquest]

I have heard of this before.

Back when TLC was more of a learning channel they aired a show about sexuality between males and females and I remember so much of it for some reason. It mentioned that the reason women wear black eyeliner and mascara is because it makes the whites of your eyes look whiter which symbolizes health and makes the males subconsciously want to reproduce. It said that lipstick and blush are also designed to make a woman's face look flushed, to mimic what a woman's face would look like during intercourse.

Anyway, I remember that it said that most men have some degree of pain when they ejaculate and that usually it is disguised by the pleasure centers in the brain.

 

[Cehrabehra]

I've been away and only on post 1 of page 3 but has anyone suggested him going to a *doctor? Because if it hurts sometimes maybe there's a reason. And I don't just mean going to the gp to have testosterone levels tested - go to a proctologist. And Radiant - I absolutely believe going off the depo has changed your hormones. I almost want to say "duh" but don't want to be mean lol My husband is in your shoes except that my sex drive is far more in the range of normal and his is insane - but *his level of wanting more isn't different. How he feels is how he feels... and how I feel is how I feel. I very much am a slave to my hormonal cycle. Some months I want more, some less... and some weeks are very frequent and some are non existent. My hormones create a highly varied frequency and his hormones create a need for something much more steady. We are different.

I do believe some marriages withstand and even thrive on the extramarital thing. I just spent a week with a woman who has an open marriage and has had an open relationship since before they married 8 years ago. It works for them. But only you know your husband... the mere suggestion that you have this idea AND even someone you have in mind to act on it could destroy him.

 

[anonyamiga]

RQ, I am a somewhat regular poster but wanted to go anonymous for this b/c it's personal and embarrassing. You had mentioned that your DH had said something about it hurting down there, though he didn't go into details. That caught my eye, b/c I have what I believe is a chronic vulvar pain condition called vulvodynia. In my research, I read that there is a male version of vulvodynia, but I can't remember the terminology. I've been flipping through my books trying to ferret it out.

Anyway, the point of me mentioning this is that with me, the pain of sex can be so bad that it feels like my husband has knives strapped to my penis at times. The pain has gotten better, but each time we have sex, I remain sore for a week after and become very itchy (sometimes the symptoms of vulvodynia mimic a yeast infection). The pain has totally killed my sex drive. I've been to drs who have given me estrogen creams, etc. but nothing has helped. Is it possible that your husband might have the male version? It's very embarrassing so I can see why he would be reluctant to talk to a medical professional about it (and obviously I'm embarrassed, hence my anonymity).

Needtogoanon, I also am going anonymous, embarrassed & frankly feeling ”broken” at this time…some of the symptoms you describe I have experienced. I experienced a lot of pain and that “knife feeling” you described during intercourse. The first GYN I saw about the pain told me to “drink some wine” while pressing painfully down on my pelvic floor muscles. Needless to say the “wine” prescription was an epic fail, and I switched doctors. The second doctor was compassionate and knowledgeable; she diagnosed me with “vaginismus.” Just wanted to bring it up in case it could be helpful to you, if you do a web search for “vaginismus,” there’s a treatment kit that was recommended by the sex therapist we very briefly saw. I can’t say if it’s helpful or not as my husband and I are experiencing different libido issues too, yanno for an additional extra fun complication…sigh.

 

[anonyamiga]

Have you tried time away for the two of you? (I'd just ditto Haven, but frankly it sounds like the issues in your marriage are too deep to be solved by a quick get-away. Then again, if you haven't tried it yet...)

I agree with you, VRB, that a quick get-away is not the answer. I probably didn't do a good job of describing what worked for us in my attempt to avoid divulging too much information about my own marriage. Certainly it wasn't as easy as going away and just having a little talk.

All I feel comfortable sharing is that after DH and I experienced a very similar situation for at least a year in our own marriage, we had a breakthrough. That breakthrough happened for us while we were away from all of the routine and stress and concerns of everyday life, and it involved having a VERY frank discussion about the sorts of things most people keep to themselves about this topic. Maybe this seems like it was an easy fix, but it wasn't. There was a lot of trust, divulging of potentially embarrassing details about ourselves, and definitely some crying going on. But for us, it worked.

During that time in our marriage I remember reading a quote that said something like, "If the sex is good, it feels like 10% of a marriage. If it's bad, it's 90%." This was exactly how I felt, and now that we're in a really good place it almost seems incomprehensible that a lack of intimacy made me feel so distraught about our relationship. But it did, because it felt like 90%.

ETA: Prior to this breakthrough, I had brought the issue up to my husband so many times, and every time it went nowhere. The conversation you describe with your DH sounds like one we had. Later, after we had our big talk, he told me that it just made him feel more pressure and more terrible things every time I brought it up because I always brought it up in an accusatory, or hurt, or stressed out manner. Which is true. It was a PROBLEM that needed fixing, and it was, but approaching it that way really just drove us further apart.

“Thank you” Haven for sharing…your posts helped me look at things from a different perspective and how my husband received my approach as “pressure.” It’s like a light bulb finally went off in my head about this and other communication breakdowns we’ve had.