Very Sensitive- not PG topic about marriage

[Lady_Disdain]

"I wouldn't cheat on him - that's definitely a trust issue, but you could ask him if he'd be okay with consensual extramarital sex."



Really? THIS is what you consider good advice? How ridiculously selfish is that thought? "Well, I need what I need, and I'll just get it from someone else, then." Another prime example of life being all about . . . "ME"?

Maybe people need to stop creating their own vows and stick with the "forsaking all others". Just so it might give you pause, anyway.

There is a plethora of reasons why taking intimacy outside your established relationship (married or not) is the very worst thing you could ever do. I won't list them here; they should be extremely obvious.

You want good advice, OP? Get busy helping yourself over this. Yes, that IS what I mean. When you're done, go enjoy your husband and your marriage. Contentment and happiness is not dependent upon the number of orgasms you have. But if you screw up a perfectly good marriage to someone you love, just how happy will you be?

That is pretty judgmental. If "forsaking all others" is crucial to you, then good. It works for you. However, other people may have different opinions and ideas. Good for them.

Just as seeking intimacy outside the marriage has its risks, having an extremely frustrated partner also has its risks, which I think would also be pretty obvious. There is a pretty strong link between contentment and happiness and sexual satisfaction. Not the number of orgasm, as you so elegantly put it, but in being satisfied with their sex lives. Which the OP obviously isn't.

A couple's sex life depends on both of them. You are placing the entire problem and all the solution on the OP's lap. Doesn't her husband have a part in it as well? I think so. They are a couple and both should be working towards the other's happiness. Right now, he is screwing (or not screwing is perhaps more apt) his marriage as well, by ignoring her needs. From the OP's description, it is not a perfectly good marriage, but one with a very serious flaw which she is trying to address.

I don't find saying "get over it" good advice at all. I think it is terrible advice.

 

[radiantquest]

I LOVE HIM!!! Love and vows are not the issue here at all. I dont want a divorce, ever, no matter what.

Otherwise we are happy. We are intimate and snuggle and touch throughout the day. Every morning when I wake up I txt him "Good Morning. I love you." and every morning he txts me back that he loves me too.

To say that I am being selfish may be correct if you also feel that eating when you are hungry is selfish as well. Its not something that I planned. I cant help that I feel the way I do!

Maybe I should have put this in my first post, but part of the reason may be because I recently went off the depo-provera shot. We discussed having children in the next year or two and I wanted my cycle to be ready when we were. It has been about 6 months. We havent tried having a baby yet obviously, but maybe my own hormones owning my body is what is creating this for me. Again, something that very much isnt my FAULT.

I would love nothing more than for my husband to feel the way I do. I am plenty attracted to him. If he cant tell me or doesnt even know himself why, then because I love him and married the love of my life I am supposed to give up basic human needs?

He doesnt want to see a counselor. To him seeing a professional means we are broken and he thinks we should be able to handle our personal business ourselves. Thank God for PS or I would have no one I could talk to about this.

 

[amc80]

Maybe I should have put this in my first post, but part of the reason may be because I recently went off the depo-provera shot. We discussed having children in the next year or two and I wanted my cycle to be ready when we were. It has been about 6 months. We havent tried having a baby yet obviously, but maybe my own hormones owning my body is what is creating this for me. Again, something that very much isnt my FAULT.

Lord, if you are horny now just wait until you're pregnant. For much of my second trimester I've had dirty dreams EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. Ugh.

 

[StacylikesSparkles]

Maybe I should have put this in my first post, but part of the reason may be because I recently went off the depo-provera shot. We discussed having children in the next year or two and I wanted my cycle to be ready when we were. It has been about 6 months. We havent tried having a baby yet obviously, but maybe my own hormones owning my body is what is creating this for me. Again, something that very much isnt my FAULT.

Lord, if you are horny now just wait until you're pregnant. For much of my second trimester I've had dirty dreams EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. Ugh.

Lol...this makes me happy, as FI and I plan to start trying right after we get married. I was hoping that drive would NOT be impacted! (Sorry, this just made me grin!)

Oh and Radiant, you are owning your body and that is GREAT!

 

[Circe]

I LOVE HIM!!! Love and vows are not the issue here at all. I dont want a divorce, ever, no matter what.

Otherwise we are happy. We are intimate and snuggle and touch throughout the day. Every morning when I wake up I txt him "Good Morning. I love you." and every morning he txts me back that he loves me too.

To say that I am being selfish may be correct if you also feel that eating when you are hungry is selfish as well. Its not something that I planned. I cant help that I feel the way I do!

Maybe I should have put this in my first post, but part of the reason may be because I recently went off the depo-provera shot. We discussed having children in the next year or two and I wanted my cycle to be ready when we were. It has been about 6 months. We havent tried having a baby yet obviously, but maybe my own hormones owning my body is what is creating this for me. Again, something that very much isnt my FAULT.

I would love nothing more than for my husband to feel the way I do. I am plenty attracted to him. If he cant tell me or doesnt even know himself why, then because I love him and married the love of my life I am supposed to give up basic human needs?

He doesnt want to see a counselor. To him seeing a professional means we are broken and he thinks we should be able to handle our personal business ourselves. Thank God for PS or I would have no one I could talk to about this.

And that's great and all, but ... his version of "handling it" appears to be expecting you to suck it up, and that's not fair. I think my best advice seriously is to push harder on first getting a physical and maybe seeing a specialist about this mysterious pain (I mean, it could be something as minor as phimosis, which, hey! would be an easy fix), and then if all the body stuff is fine, seeing a counselor, because an unhappy, frustrated spouse who's having doubts about her attractiveness, his sexuality, their relationship, and the possibility of making a buddy-buddy into a f*ck-buddy ... dude. To me, that's kind of the definition of "broken."

But then again, I'm a big believer in fixing things, not throwing them away. Admitting there's a problem doesn't cement it: it's the first step towards making it better.

 

[Lady_Disdain]

I agree with Circe - your husband is being very selfish. Even if he doesn't want to see a therapist, going to one may be helpful to you in dealing with this situation.

There is nothing wrong in needing outside help. If the roof leaks, does he fix it himself or call a pro? Does he sew all his clothing (wait - make that raise sheep for wool), has he never consulted an accountant, lawyer or doctor? All of those are people we call on for help and you two need help right now. At the very least, he must see a doctor about the physical side, since he mentions pain. That could be a number of things and some can get very scary if not treated early.

 

[onedrop]

Yes--OPEN THE FLOODGATES. That is the perfect way to put it.

I really have been there, RQ, and I felt undesirable and desperate and as if there was something *wrong* with us. I went through all of the fears you've expressed here, and I was shocked when we realized that our problem was that we were still, after more than five years together, not quite telling each other everything. (Isn't this a revelation we'll have repeatedly throughout our lives together?)

Haven said the above, and agree 100% with what she said. I can also empathize with you RQ. Much of what you have written in this thread has happened in my own marriage. I am not comfortable spelling everything out as you have (you are very brave to do so), but trust me, I understand exactly what you are going through. The breakthrough moment(s) came for us after some really tough situations arose relating to our lack of intimacy and we had to confront them head on. Surprisingly, during this time of upheaval we were finally able to say openly a lot of things that we had been keeping from each other. We discovered that we were keeping a lot of things from each other to avoid hurt the other's feelings. However, not being completely honest and open to avoid hurt feelings actually ended up being counter productive to us solving our problem. Opening the floodgates as Haven mentioned was actually the catalyst to reigniting the intimacy between us.

I am not sure that an "open relationship" is the answer here. My opinion is not based upon the morality of the concept. Rather, I question the logic of trying to solve a situation that involves you and your DH as a couple by bringing another person into it. Your needs will be satisfied (maybe), but it doesn't solve the real issue that exists between you and your DH.

ETA: We were posting at the same time RQ. I had asked the question about whether your DH was open to therapy. Seems he is not, which is going to probably make this situation all the more difficult to solve.

Also ETA re your lack of intimacy: how will you conceive if this intimacy issue continues to exist for you two?

 

[TooPatient]

RQ -- You mentioned the dr put him on something for depression because SHE thought it might help.... would your husband be more comfortable seeing a male doctor for this sort of thing? If he's having pain, I'd think that looking at more medical possibilities would be a great place to start. Maybe he'd be more willing to be checked out (and tell What is hurting!) if he were discussing it with another man.


Another thing you might try -- set aside an hour each day for just the two of you to relax together. I know you don't want to say what he can/can't do in his little bit of "free" time after work, but maybe each of you could spend an hour or two winding down on your own (games, computer, book, etc) and then spend an hour together. Relax, be silly, snuggle, whatever so long as there is no pressure or expectation... just see where things go.

 

[qtiekiki]

I don't think you are selfish for wanting to seek fulfillment of your sexual needs. But I think you need to think and be ok with all possible outcomes of the extramartial sex. What confuses me is that you don't want a divorce ever, but that can be a possibility if your DH said no to you having a lover on the side and you go ahead behind his back. So are you really ready and prepare for that?

To me, the incompatibility is an issue that needs to be resolved for your marriage to work. Lover on the side is a temporary fix.

 

[iheartscience]

Some "testimonials" from monogamish couples:

http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=11412386

I'm not saying it's right for everyone, but I have a sneaking suspicion that it's right for a lot more people thank one would think.

 

[iheartscience]

I LOVE HIM!!! Love and vows are not the issue here at all. I dont want a divorce, ever, no matter what.

Otherwise we are happy. We are intimate and snuggle and touch throughout the day. Every morning when I wake up I txt him "Good Morning. I love you." and every morning he txts me back that he loves me too.

To say that I am being selfish may be correct if you also feel that eating when you are hungry is selfish as well. Its not something that I planned. I cant help that I feel the way I do!

Maybe I should have put this in my first post, but part of the reason may be because I recently went off the depo-provera shot. We discussed having children in the next year or two and I wanted my cycle to be ready when we were. It has been about 6 months. We havent tried having a baby yet obviously, but maybe my own hormones owning my body is what is creating this for me. Again, something that very much isnt my FAULT.

I would love nothing more than for my husband to feel the way I do. I am plenty attracted to him. If he cant tell me or doesnt even know himself why, then because I love him and married the love of my life I am supposed to give up basic human needs?

He doesnt want to see a counselor. To him seeing a professional means we are broken and he thinks we should be able to handle our personal business ourselves. Thank God for PS or I would have no one I could talk to about this.

And that's great and all, but ... his version of "handling it" appears to be expecting you to suck it up, and that's not fair. I think my best advice seriously is to push harder on first getting a physical and maybe seeing a specialist about this mysterious pain (I mean, it could be something as minor as phimosis, which, hey! would be an easy fix), and then if all the body stuff is fine, seeing a counselor, because an unhappy, frustrated spouse who's having doubts about her attractiveness, his sexuality, their relationship, and the possibility of making a buddy-buddy into a f*ck-buddy ... dude. To me, that's kind of the definition of "broken."

But then again, I'm a big believer in fixing things, not throwing them away. Admitting there's a problem doesn't cement it: it's the first step towards making it better.

Ditto Circe, as always!

 

[StacylikesSparkles]

Some "testimonials" from monogamish couples:

http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=11412386

I'm not saying it's right for everyone, but I have a sneaking suspicion that it's right for a lot more people thank one would think.

I was hoping you would chime in!

 

[canuk-gal]

He doesnt want to see a counselor. To him seeing a professional means we are broken and he thinks we should be able to handle our personal business ourselves. Thank God for PS or I would have no one I could talk to about this.[/quote]


We are all human and humans are frail. So--maybe you are "broken": but does it necessarily follow that you fall apart? No one here is humpty dumpty--people, things, relationships, problems have the potential to be repaired. But only if you want to--or rather HE wants to and it is kinda sad his decisions are dictating how things are unfolding for YOU BOTH. You've got strength--I'll say that for sure.

cheers--Sharon

 

[radiantquest]

Of all the frustration I am having the thing that is really starting to bother me is that whatever the reason may be he wont talk to me about it.

I love him so much and cant even imagine him feeling like he cant tell me something. We go round and round and nothing ever gets solved.We have been together so long that I think he would be comfortable enough to talk to me. Then it angers me that he is making me suffer because he is too embarrassed to say something. Its so easy....all he has to do is tell me!!

Oh he didnt tell the dr. He made me call the office, make the appointment, tell them why and then he showed for the appointment. He said he doesnt feel comfortable talking to strangers about something so personal. They did the tests and the dr called me to tell me the test results. Her and I decided to try depression medication. If it werent for screen names I would never have told what I have, but I am glad that I am able to confide somewhere and Im glad to hear that I am not alone.

We have been back and forth about having a baby. We arent in a rush and arent completely ready, but I read that it could take over a year for the menstrual cycle to be right so we made the decision to get off of it. So clearly we arent trying and I asked how I would ever get pregnant with the amount of love making we do and he said we would deal with that when the time came.

After 3 pages of this I am feeling better about the situation even though nothing has changed. I like knowing that other couples have gone through the same thing and were able to come out of it "fixed" and together. Gives me faith and strength to keep trying.

 

[TooPatient]

You're really not alone. It took B several weeks to tell me that he was more than "just tired". I'm sure it is related to the new blood pressure pill he is on, but he still hasn't called the dr (even after the dr telling him to call if it had any... affects)

Men and women are just so different sometimes it is amazing.
I was having some discomfort so I walked on into the bedroom with a flashlight, stripped naked, and told him to look and see if I had any irritations or anything down there.... and he can barely admit after three weeks that he's having a common side affect!


Good luck!

 

[onedrop]

No RQ, you are definitely NOT alone in your situation. When DH and I were going through our issues, I felt the same as you, which only made things worse for me. I finally broke down and talked to a good friend about mine and DH's issues, and it turns out she and her hubby faced the same thing! I know it's really embarrassing to put such personal problems "out there" but once you do, you'd be surprised at the outcome (in a positive way). Seems like you are already feeling a little bit better just by starting this thread.

I will also say that if it's really physical problem that is at the root of your DH's intimacy issues, then much of the effort has to be put into addressing those first. That was certainly one of the root problems that started the downward trend in our intimacy. Once the physical problems got addressed, things started to look up.

 

[Rhea]

He doesnt want to see a counselor. To him seeing a professional means we are broken and he thinks we should be able to handle our personal business ourselves.

Been there, done that. Not for our sexual relationship, but for other problems. I booked a couple's counselor after discussing it, but not agreement. When we were both home I asked to discuss it, told him that what we'd been discussing over the past several weeks was having an effect on how I perceived our relationship and I needed to discuss it with a professional. I let him know what time the appointment was, but that I was also happy to attend on my own as I thought that would be helpful as well.

Even on your own, counseling could be helpful.

 

[HollyS]

"I wouldn't cheat on him - that's definitely a trust issue, but you could ask him if he'd be okay with consensual extramarital sex."



Really? THIS is what you consider good advice? How ridiculously selfish is that thought? "Well, I need what I need, and I'll just get it from someone else, then." Another prime example of life being all about . . . "ME"?

Maybe people need to stop creating their own vows and stick with the "forsaking all others". Just so it might give you pause, anyway.

There is a plethora of reasons why taking intimacy outside your established relationship (married or not) is the very worst thing you could ever do. I won't list them here; they should be extremely obvious.

You want good advice, OP? Get busy helping yourself over this. Yes, that IS what I mean. When you're done, go enjoy your husband and your marriage. Contentment and happiness is not dependent upon the number of orgasms you have. But if you screw up a perfectly good marriage to someone you love, just how happy will you be?

That is pretty judgmental. If "forsaking all others" is crucial to you, then good. It works for you. However, other people may have different opinions and ideas. Good for them.

Just as seeking intimacy outside the marriage has its risks, having an extremely frustrated partner also has its risks, which I think would also be pretty obvious. There is a pretty strong link between contentment and happiness and sexual satisfaction. Not the number of orgasm, as you so elegantly put it, but in being satisfied with their sex lives. Which the OP obviously isn't.

A couple's sex life depends on both of them. You are placing the entire problem and all the solution on the OP's lap. Doesn't her husband have a part in it as well? I think so. They are a couple and both should be working towards the other's happiness. Right now, he is screwing (or not screwing is perhaps more apt) his marriage as well, by ignoring her needs. From the OP's description, it is not a perfectly good marriage, but one with a very serious flaw which she is trying to address.

I don't find saying "get over it" good advice at all. I think it is terrible advice.

Gosh, you would think I would know by now that moral relativism rules the roost here, and stop yapping about right and wrong. Who the heck do I think I am? Sorry. I'll just leave y'all to the task of justifying her feelings and talking her into options that will surely help her cope.

G' head.

 

[Laila619]

Someone else touched on this, but RQ, if you've always been content with the lack of sex until now, then it isn't really fair to expect him to change. It sounds like even when you were dating, you weren't having a ton of sex, and you were fine with that, as was he. He probably feels blindsided and confused now that you all of the sudden want to have more sex. He probably feels like, "Well, she was fine with it before, now why is she trying to get me to change?" If he's never had a high drive, and you married him knowing this, then I don't really think it's fair to expect him to be something he's not. I know it sucks. But he is who he is. You can't make someone have a higher drive.

 

[MissStepcut]

Is there any chance he is feeling uncomfortable with the baby situation? Anxiety can lead to all kinds of psychosomatic issues. He says it's physically uncomfortable: do you use lube? If not, maybe it's irritating to his skin. If you do, maybe he's having a skin reaction.

I've also heard physical discomfort being a sign of past abuse.

 

[missy]

RQ, I'm so sorry you and your dh are dealing with this and I don't have any real advice to offer except to say that I believe you can work anything out with your partner as long as you have the love and the trust there and the desire on both of your parts to work it through no matter how difficult. I definitely think a thorough medical work up is in order for your dh- not just testosterone levels but the works. Any sort of hormone imbalance or medical problem can throw everything out of whack. Then I think working it out with a therapist who specializes in sexual issues would be helpful.

And I agree with Holly that sex outside of the marriage is just not a good solution. I'm sorry for those who think that judgmental but not all judgment is bad yanno? There is a difference to being judgmental and using our judgment and I am all for the latter. In fact, using our judgment is not only a good thing but essential to growing as a person .. and critical to a civilized and working society. IMO.

Good luck RQ, I am sending you good thoughts and dust and I know everything will work out with time and effort, love and communication.

 

[rosetta]

I have no experience of your situation but just wanted to add my sympathies and hugs. Hope you can resolve this somehow.

 

[iheartscience]

Someone else touched on this, but RQ, if you've always been content with the lack of sex until now, then it isn't really fair to expect him to change. It sounds like even when you were dating, you weren't having a ton of sex, and you were fine with that, as was he. He probably feels blindsided and confused now that you all of the sudden want to have more sex. He probably feels like, "Well, she was fine with it before, now why is she trying to get me to change?" If he's never had a high drive, and you married him knowing this, then I don't really think it's fair to expect him to be something he's not. I know it sucks. But he is who he is. You can't make someone have a higher drive.

How is it "unfair"? People change and evolve throughout life. If you're hoping to stay married to the same person forever, it's best to roll with those changes, yes?

I can't believe how many people are calling RQ selfish, unfair, etc. How is it selfish to want to have a sexual relationship with your husband?! Unbelievable.

 

[Haven]

Someone else touched on this, but RQ, if you've always been content with the lack of sex until now, then it isn't really fair to expect him to change. It sounds like even when you were dating, you weren't having a ton of sex, and you were fine with that, as was he. He probably feels blindsided and confused now that you all of the sudden want to have more sex. He probably feels like, "Well, she was fine with it before, now why is she trying to get me to change?" If he's never had a high drive, and you married him knowing this, then I don't really think it's fair to expect him to be something he's not. I know it sucks. But he is who he is. You can't make someone have a higher drive.

How is it "unfair"? People change and evolve throughout life. If you're hoping to stay married to the same person forever, it's best to roll with those changes, yes?

I can't believe how many people are calling RQ selfish, unfair, etc. How is it selfish to want to have a sexual relationship with your husband?! Unbelievable.

I'm with you, Thing. I can't believe it, either.
What if the change didn't involve sex? What if RQ had started out her marriage as a very devoted career woman, always said she would never quit her career, and then after becoming pregnant she decided that she wanted to be a SAHM? Certainly that is an enormous change of mind that would affect her DH, yet I can't imagine anyone calling her selfish for it.
Or what if I decide to revert back to vegetarianism? I was raised vegetarian, but became an omnivore at age 19. DH has only known me to be a steak-loving omni, but sometimes I waiver. What if I decide I want to keep a vegetarian home? Or a kosher one? Is that selfish? Must I remain the same person forever that I was on our wedding day?

This seems an unreasonable, and realistic expectation to have of a person. We evolve with time, if we're lucky.

I have an example from my own marriage: When we were first together, I did not require a lot of affection. I was okay without it. DH doesn't naturally give a lot of affection, so that worked for him. Time marched on, and several years into our relationship I suddenly needed more from him. I can't tell you why, because I don't know. Maybe I'm getting soft in my old age. We talked it out. He said, "Isn't it unfair of you to ask this of me if you know it isn't in my nature?" I said, "Isn't it unkind of you to ignore what I need and refuse to even try to give it to me, especially because you know it's important to me? If it's in your power, but just not your nature, can't you just try?" And of course, he did. Because that's what partners do.

Marriage isn't about being fair to another person, either. It's about being dedicated to another person. My husband could come home tomorrow and announce that he's decided to renounce Judaism to become a Buddhist. I wouldn't love the idea, but I wouldn't leave him or tell him he can't do it because it isn't FAIR to me since I married a Jew. We'd figure it out, together.

 

[Laila619]

Someone else touched on this, but RQ, if you've always been content with the lack of sex until now, then it isn't really fair to expect him to change. It sounds like even when you were dating, you weren't having a ton of sex, and you were fine with that, as was he. He probably feels blindsided and confused now that you all of the sudden want to have more sex. He probably feels like, "Well, she was fine with it before, now why is she trying to get me to change?" If he's never had a high drive, and you married him knowing this, then I don't really think it's fair to expect him to be something he's not. I know it sucks. But he is who he is. You can't make someone have a higher drive.

How is it "unfair"? People change and evolve throughout life. If you're hoping to stay married to the same person forever, it's best to roll with those changes, yes?

I can't believe how many people are calling RQ selfish, unfair, etc. How is it selfish to want to have a sexual relationship with your husband?! Unbelievable.

I don't think RQ is selfish at all, and I really feel for her. But this is who she married and she knew he had a low drive going into it. He did not hide it. You can't accept a person as they are, marry him/her, and then expect them to change who they are--it's futile and it ends up being a recipe for disaster and resentment.

Say you marry a shy guy who absolutely hates going out, expecting that he will change after the wedding and start going to parties with you every night. Wouldn't that be a bad idea?

I do think her hubby should make more of an effort to please her. But he probably won't ever be a guy with a high drive--it sounds like it's just not who he is and he's physiologically incapable of it.

 

[Circe]

Someone else touched on this, but RQ, if you've always been content with the lack of sex until now, then it isn't really fair to expect him to change. It sounds like even when you were dating, you weren't having a ton of sex, and you were fine with that, as was he. He probably feels blindsided and confused now that you all of the sudden want to have more sex. He probably feels like, "Well, she was fine with it before, now why is she trying to get me to change?" If he's never had a high drive, and you married him knowing this, then I don't really think it's fair to expect him to be something he's not. I know it sucks. But he is who he is. You can't make someone have a higher drive.

How is it "unfair"? People change and evolve throughout life. If you're hoping to stay married to the same person forever, it's best to roll with those changes, yes?

I can't believe how many people are calling RQ selfish, unfair, etc. How is it selfish to want to have a sexual relationship with your husband?! Unbelievable.

I don't think RQ is selfish at all, and I really feel for her. But this is who she married and she knew he had a low drive going into it. He did not hide it. You can't accept a person as they are, marry him/her, and then expect them to change who they are--it's futile and it ends up being a recipe for disaster and resentment.

Say you marry a shy guy who absolutely hates going out, expecting that he will change after the wedding and start going to parties with you every night. Wouldn't that be a bad idea?

I do think her hubby should make more of an effort to please her. But he probably won't ever be a guy with a high drive--it sounds like it's just not who he is and he's physiologically incapable of it.

I see what you mean, but ... they're planning to have kids. I sort of feel like sex more than once every other cycle is implied there.

I'm not saying that he should be expected to fundamentally change who he is and chase her around the bedroom twice a night. But if there is a physical component, I sort of feel like it's his responsibility to her to at least try to rectify that; likewise if it's purely psychological. And even once we get past that ... if this is who she is and what she's like once she's off artificial hormones, it's not exactly her "fault" her desires have changed: I'd think it's something they would both work on, as a couple. For better or worse (for a given value of either, take your pick) - right?

 

[iheartscience]

Someone else touched on this, but RQ, if you've always been content with the lack of sex until now, then it isn't really fair to expect him to change. It sounds like even when you were dating, you weren't having a ton of sex, and you were fine with that, as was he. He probably feels blindsided and confused now that you all of the sudden want to have more sex. He probably feels like, "Well, she was fine with it before, now why is she trying to get me to change?" If he's never had a high drive, and you married him knowing this, then I don't really think it's fair to expect him to be something he's not. I know it sucks. But he is who he is. You can't make someone have a higher drive.

How is it "unfair"? People change and evolve throughout life. If you're hoping to stay married to the same person forever, it's best to roll with those changes, yes?

I can't believe how many people are calling RQ selfish, unfair, etc. How is it selfish to want to have a sexual relationship with your husband?! Unbelievable.

I'm with you, Thing. I can't believe it, either.
What if the change didn't involve sex? What if RQ had started out her marriage as a very devoted career woman, always said she would never quit her career, and then after becoming pregnant she decided that she wanted to be a SAHM? Certainly that is an enormous change of mind that would affect her DH, yet I can't imagine anyone calling her selfish for it.
Or what if I decide to revert back to vegetarianism? I was raised vegetarian, but became an omnivore at age 19. DH has only known me to be a steak-loving omni, but sometimes I waiver. What if I decide I want to keep a vegetarian home? Or a kosher one? Is that selfish? Must I remain the same person forever that I was on our wedding day?

This seems an unreasonable, and realistic expectation to have of a person. We evolve with time, if we're lucky.

I have an example from my own marriage: When we were first together, I did not require a lot of affection. I was okay without it. DH doesn't naturally give a lot of affection, so that worked for him. Time marched on, and several years into our relationship I suddenly needed more from him. I can't tell you why, because I don't know. Maybe I'm getting soft in my old age. We talked it out. He said, "Isn't it unfair of you to ask this of me if you know it isn't in my nature?" I said, "Isn't it unkind of you to ignore what I need and refuse to even try to give it to me, especially because you know it's important to me? If it's in your power, but just not your nature, can't you just try?" And of course, he did. Because that's what partners do.

Marriage isn't about being fair to another person, either. It's about being dedicated to another person. My husband could come home tomorrow and announce that he's decided to renounce Judaism to become a Buddhist. I wouldn't love the idea, but I wouldn't leave him or tell him he can't do it because it isn't FAIR to me since I married a Jew. We'd figure it out, together.

Yes, exactly! Well said.

When I started dating my husband I thought I never wanted to get married, and told him that often. Good thing he decided to roll with it when I realized I wanted to get married, and that I wanted to marry him specifically.

Oh and I also used to tell him diamond rings were stupid and I never wanted one. (What can I say, I was 21 and didn't know any better!) Clearly he's managed to move past my 180 degree turnaround on that one.

 

[movie zombie]

this is one of those situations where no one is right and no one is wrong. that isn't even the issue, is it?
he's never been very sexual.
she's now feeling very sexual [you ain't seen nothing yet: wait until you hit 40!]
no one is at fault. it is what it is.

he is who he is and what he is....and the same for the OP.
there are no sides in this.

it seems they love each other and are affectionate with one another. ultimately, though they want to be married to each other.
again, he is who he is. can he move to meet her needs a bit more? can she be a bit less demanding? i'm betting he's feeling backed into a corner. and i can completely understand why she has confronted him.

better to back off for a while and "self-service". then approach the topic again AFTER the OP has sought and rec'd theraphy for herself. a simple "i'm having difficulty right now dealing with this. i don't want to be pressuring you and making the situation worse. i've decided to seek counseling on how i can best handle this situation to make sure my needs are met without pushing you away from me. i'd love to have you go to counseling with me to seek a mutual solution but i will rely upon you to let me know if and when you'd like to go with me. i know you don't mean to hurt me and i know i don't want to hurt you. i love you and want you in my life."

make an appointment and go. talking with us here is a good place to vent but ultimately you need someone that will help you through this in a way we cannot.

 

[monarch64]

MZ, I completely agree with your advice. Each person in this situation deserves respect and understanding, and really only a professional can help guide them through this issue, not a bunch of opinionated strangers on the internet. This is serious stuff! (Talking it out is great, though, RQ! Glad you opened up the discussion.)

Best of luck to you, RQ. You seem to have a very strong foundation marriage-wise and I think you will get through this just fine.

 

[Laila619]

When I started dating my husband I thought I never wanted to get married, and told him that often. Good thing he decided to roll with it when I realized I wanted to get married, and that I wanted to marry him specifically.

Oh and I also used to tell him diamond rings were stupid and I never wanted one. (What can I say, I was 21 and didn't know any better!) Clearly he's managed to move past my 180 degree turnaround on that one.

Those things didn't make you who you are as a person, though. Of course our tastes and dislikes and opinions change over the years--totally normal. Being an asexual person or having a low drive is probably something not likely to change, IMO, especially since there's no underlying medical reason for it. Radiant said his hormone levels checked out fine.

In any case, Radiant, I hope you and your husband can figure something out that works for both of you and makes you happy! He might never be a 5x a week guy, but some sort of compromise can hopefully be reached.

Movie Zombie, I really liked your post.