Step daughter and the gyno

[TooPatient]

Date: 10/20/2009 7:07:15 PM
Author: lucyandroger

Date: 10/20/2009 4:52:38 PM
Author: radiantquest
It seems that you guys have good advice except for the simple fact that I doubt she will run up to her father and I and tell us she has had sex. She certainly wouldn''t tell her mother. He mother has never talked to her about any of that stuff. Nothing about puberty. Nothing.


I know that I was having sex before I went to the gynecologist. The only reason that I ended up going was because she caught me.

I just really don''t think that she is going to tell us when she does so that means there could be something wreaking havoc on her girl parts in the mean time.

I think it''s great that you''re taking such an interest in your step daughter''s health, especially since it seems her mom is not.

Thirteen seems really young to me to assume she is sexually active. Can you have an honest discussion with her where you discuss sex, birth control, preventing STDs, and when the appropriate time to see the gynecologist is. Then without putting her on the spot about being sexually active, ask her if she thinks she should see the gyno.

You could also share your concerns with her pediatrician and have the pediatrician discuss sex and seeing a gynecologist with your step daughter in private.

Great in theory. My mother (and grandmother) talked to me repeatedly about sex. (Don''t do it. Do you need to see a doctor?)

They weren''t comfortable. I wasn''t comfortable.

I became active at 13. When I got found out at 15 (almost 16), they sent me to get an exam & BC pills (which I didn''t take -- just put them in my mouth and then spit them when no one was looking).
Much more, but too personal.
Needless to say, all the talking in the world won''t help if she isn''t comfortable.

 

[radiantquest]

I am not assuming that she is currently sexually active. I just know when I first did and when my friends did. I was the last of my friends and I was 14. It just seems that the time is fast approaching. I am sure that she knows about safe sex and all that, but so help me, if she comes home pregnant I might just kill her.

Traumatizing or not, if we suspect that she is sexually active I don''t care. Her feet will be in stirrups faster than she can blink.

 

[swingirl]

Here is my suggestion (and I have a social daughter). You can set up an appointment with a teen-friendly gyno and inform them you want the gyno and your step-daughter to have a private consultation. SD must be told the conversation is 100% private and she can be honest with the doctor regarding questions and possible exams, tests, etc. If she and her doctor agree an exam is in order she can go ahead with it.

I would have been horrified to have a gyno exam forced on me when I was 14 and not sexually active. But once someone is sexually active they need to understand it''s got some risks and exams and testing is the only way to stay healthy.

 

[icekid]

Date: 10/20/2009 11:17:17 PM
Author: swingirl
Here is my suggestion (and I have a social daughter). You can set up an appointment with a teen-friendly gyno and inform them you want the gyno and your step-daughter to have a private consultation. SD must be told the conversation is 100% private and she can be honest with the doctor regarding questions and possible exams, tests, etc. If she and her doctor agree an exam is in order she can go ahead with it.


I would have been horrified to have a gyno exam forced on me when I was 14 and not sexually active. But once someone is sexually active they need to understand it''s got some risks and exams and testing is the only way to stay healthy.

I think this is a wonderful suggestion. It gives her the privacy she probably wants, yet the information and access she needs (especially if it is common to have sex at her age where you are from!) While it is certainly commendable that you are looking out for your stepdaughter, being the "bully" is not going to make her comfortable. With swingirl''s approach, you''ll accomplish your objectives without alienating her.

 

[supergirl10]

I''m with most of the other posters I think that 13 might be too young also.

I''m not sure about things in the states, here in Australian unless you have a specific gyneological problem that you would need to see a specialist for and not just a medical doctor you will not meet the criteria for a referral. Here papsmears, yeast infections, bad period pain etc is all treated by a medical doctor.

I had a horrible experience when I was 15 I got a servere virus that caused me to have extreme nauesa for almost 6 months (among other things). I went to the doctor and her first course of action was a pregnacy test. I was absolutely furious. I of course insisted that I was not sexually active (which was the absolute truth). In hindsight the doctor was just doing her job but I was so deeply offeneded at this suggestion I avoided seeing a doctor for any "womens problems" for as long as possible.

I would just keep this in mind radiant. If she is sexually active then you are right to have an appointment. If not you risk offending her (which IMO may even be worse)

I was not sexally active untill i was 18, but began menstration when i was 11

. I was refered at 18 to a gyno due to a suspected diagnosis of endometriosis. I had just been put on the pill by my regular doctor (not for birth controll) and she refered me to the specialist who specialises in this area.

Because of the diagnosis i required an internal examination. Even at 18 i found this extremely uncomfortable even though the gyno was very professional.

 

[TooPatient]

Date: 10/20/2009 11:21:57 PM
Author: icekid

Date: 10/20/2009 11:17:17 PM
Author: swingirl
Here is my suggestion (and I have a social daughter). You can set up an appointment with a teen-friendly gyno and inform them you want the gyno and your step-daughter to have a private consultation. SD must be told the conversation is 100% private and she can be honest with the doctor regarding questions and possible exams, tests, etc. If she and her doctor agree an exam is in order she can go ahead with it.


I would have been horrified to have a gyno exam forced on me when I was 14 and not sexually active. But once someone is sexually active they need to understand it''s got some risks and exams and testing is the only way to stay healthy.

I think this is a wonderful suggestion. It gives her the privacy she probably wants, yet the information and access she needs (especially if it is common to have sex at her age where you are from!) While it is certainly commendable that you are looking out for your stepdaughter, being the ''bully'' is not going to make her comfortable. With swingirl''s approach, you''ll accomplish your objectives without alienating her.

I like this idea. There were so many questions I had and no one I was comfortable talking to.My mother came to all Dr. appts. with me so no talking there. (the only exception was for my "female exam" and I could hear her in the waiting room arguing with the nurses who wouldn''t let her in -- at my request)

Not sure if talking with a Dr. I trusted would have changed my decisions (which I regret now), but it might have.

If you do something like this, make sure it is for ALL women''s stuff. Let her know that she should ask about her monthly stuff and anything else she wants. (to avoid sounding like you are accusing her of being sexually active)

The potential problem I can see in this is that she may feel like you aren''t comfortable talking about this stuff with her and are sending her to a Dr instead. That could cause her to not come to you in the future.


A good place to start might be to talk with her about what SHE would be comfortable with. Ask if she would like to talk privately with a woman dr.

 

[radiantquest]

My husband is having a little bit of clouded judgement. We have very different opinions on how to parent. Thankfully we are not having children of our own (not because of the differing opinions) but I still feel that some of of his parenting skills are off the mark. I have discussed this with him and he seems to think that there is nothing going on. He says that she doesn''t have a chance for something to go on. EXCEPT she goes to the movies with her friends, sometimes unsupervised by an adult. He allows her to go hang out at boys'' houses when their parents arent there. He lets her boyfriends come over to the house and hang out in her room with the door shut. He says that them hanging out in her room is okay becsue he can hear through the wall. I think this is all absurd! She has definently had the time to have a sexual incounter. He is a fool. There is no way that I would let my teenage daughter hang out in her room with the door shut with a boy. Or go to some boys house and do whatever she wants unsupervisd. She talks about her friends in school that have had sex. I know that she is young and everyone keeps saying that she will be embarassed, traumatized, offeneded, etc. I don''t care! I would rather her be all of those things over pregnant or with an STD. With her father being so lax about it and me being the only one that will deal with these things I feel that since he will not listen and wake up then I have to be the forceul hand and make sure that we nip this thing in the bud. The only saving grace is that she is emotionally immature. Physically very mature. I know that she has made out with boys and mastubates(husband informed me of this, not sure how he knows, but apprently there was a conversation where this information came out) so that leads me to believe that sex is the next step.

 

[TooPatient]

Errrrrrrrrg! I would be so upset if I were in your place.

Okay. For your husband''s sake and the health of your step-daughter, I''m going to post WAY TMI.


I was the nice smart girl in school. Good grades. Volunteered lots. Went to church. In the church choir. Taught Sunday school classes.
In fact, when I worked at Starbucks (was 20 by then) everyone thought (and actually said) that I "wouldn''t understand because I''m still a virgin". (That kept me laughing for days)

When I started seeing a guy, I was not allowed to be alone with him. We were not allowed to be in each others room without the door open and other people passed by to check. Even that was rare. We walked home from school together on a known route (well traveled & past many houses of people who knew us). We were expected at a certain time. (was only 1/4 mile away). Same thing for going to church (also about 1/4 mile away). Bike rides on well traveled known route.
"no time for anything to happen"

Right. Sex was a nearly daily event. (sometimes more)
I was 13 (almost 14) first time.


Here are a few examples (each happened many many times)


We would leave the church service early. Me first (I must be going to prepare my classroom -- yup, I was the youngest actual teacher there) and then him. We''d walk just down the road and have our fun on a school bench.

Our bike rides took us past a little less traveled path so we would turn off there and do our stuff right in the middle of the path. (yeah, we got seen a few times)

Lets see here, there was Grandma''s house when I was supposed to be there alone, a hallway in a nearly empty church (after choir practice), the 100 ft. of trail that was slightly hidden when walking home (again seen by several other students & some people who lived nearby), behind a bush at an elementary school, .......


This did not turn out well. If you have unprotected sex (how could I, the sweet innocent girl, ask for BC?) that often for so long OF COURSE something is going to happen.


(Yes, I had my wild streak -- not many people know this. Okay, no one but B knows this)

 

[cara]

Well, as Too Patient illustrates, I don''t think that keeping the room door open while boys are visiting is sufficient to keep her from having sex. Teens will find a way, even with quite restrictive parents. While your husband might have his head in the sand regarding his daughter''s inability to have quiet sex (!), I think having a strict doors-open policy might also give a false sense of security to parents. I know parents that sent their daughers to an all girls school and were shocked, just shocked that their daughters'' somehow managed to get pregnant: ''How is it physically possible if we sent them to this school? There are no boys here!'' But there are boys on the way too/from school, after school, on the weekends, when they sneak out at night, etc. Even boys that might sneak into the school or girls that skip class... The possibilities are endless!

At the same time, while you might have had sex at 14 (and many kids do have sex at that age), many also hold off for years and would be offended or insulted if you make wrong assumptions about their behavior. I remember being pretty annoyed at my parents for assuming I was using drugs based on minimal evidence - it was insulting and they were mainly biased against a boy I was seeing. It made me watch my behavior around them for a while and be more cautious introducing them to any boys, which might be the opposite of what you want if you are trying to keep communication lines open.

So this brings us to the question: What are you hoping this doctor visit will accomplish? Keeping your step-daugher safe emotionally, physically and not pregnant? I think you would be much better off having many of those uncomfortable talks about safe healthy sex, unpressured sex, saying no, saying yes at the right time, risks of saying yes as a teen, as an adult, normal desires and impulses, diseases, pregnancy risks, more diseases, condoms, failure rate of condoms, STD testing, the pill, and more condoms. Cause really, taking her to the gynecologist woln''t keep her from having unsafe sex. Nor will it magically give her the self-confidence to make the right choices for her at the right time rather than the wrong ones.

One last thing. Some people are mentioning that you would need a referral to get a gyne. appt. I''m not sure on how being a child affects things, but in the US, adult women are often allowed to maintain two regular doctors - one GP and one ob/gyn - and can determine for herself which is appropriate to see. Obviously check out your own insurance guidelines and on the peds/gyn issue, but it sounds like other countries have routine women''s care all provided by a GP while in the US it is more usual for a woman to be able to see a gynecologist for those issues and a GP for everything else.

 

[KatyWI]

Date: 10/21/2009 1:36:21 PM
Author: radiantquest
My husband is having a little bit of clouded judgement. We have very different opinions on how to parent. Thankfully we are not having children of our own (not because of the differing opinions) but I still feel that some of of his parenting skills are off the mark. I have discussed this with him and he seems to think that there is nothing going on. He says that she doesn''t have a chance for something to go on. EXCEPT she goes to the movies with her friends, sometimes unsupervised by an adult. He allows her to go hang out at boys'' houses when their parents arent there. He lets her boyfriends come over to the house and hang out in her room with the door shut. He says that them hanging out in her room is okay becsue he can hear through the wall. I think this is all absurd! She has definently had the time to have a sexual incounter. He is a fool. There is no way that I would let my teenage daughter hang out in her room with the door shut with a boy. Or go to some boys house and do whatever she wants unsupervisd. She talks about her friends in school that have had sex. I know that she is young and everyone keeps saying that she will be embarassed, traumatized, offeneded, etc. I don''t care! I would rather her be all of those things over pregnant or with an STD. With her father being so lax about it and me being the only one that will deal with these things I feel that since he will not listen and wake up then I have to be the forceul hand and make sure that we nip this thing in the bud. The only saving grace is that she is emotionally immature. Physically very mature. I know that she has made out with boys and mastubates(husband informed me of this, not sure how he knows, but apprently there was a conversation where this information came out) so that leads me to believe that sex is the next step.

Frankly, your attitude seems horrifying to me. Your husband may not be aware at how sneaky teens can be (and trust me, I know - I had the world''s strictest mother and still managed to have sex), but your approach seems fundamentally wrong to me.

You cannot terrorize a young teen into not having sex. Why not try having open, honest conversations with her yourself so that she feels comfortable coming to you when the time is right, instead of scarring her for life and ensuring that your relationship will suffer?

 

[radiantquest]

I don't think that her seeing a gyno will traumatize her. I could def. mask it as something else. She has something going on with her female organs. I can't remember what it is called at the moment, but she was having severe pains when she was on her period. It doesn't happen every time, but she went and had ultrasounds and MRIs for it. There is something there, but not life threatening or anything like that. Plus she does need to get that HPV vaccine. I think that as the time comes closer that I feel that she needs to go I will tell her that I want to take her for that or the vaccine and that if she has any questions about reproduction and such she can ask that doctor. I would rather her get her info from a doctor than from me. Sometimes kids think that parents don't know what they are talking about and a doctor has more pull. Plus he can give her pamphlets and stuff that she can read when it is a comfortable time for her. I know that my mom had an open door policy and that she would have welcomed any questions that I had, but it was still uncomfortable talking to her about it. With a doctor she will know that he is a professional. That way even if she isnt active now when she does she has a doctor that she knows that she talk to about protection and possibly BC pills.

 

[dragonfly411]

Radiant - I really think you received some excellent advice from others. MASKING the visit, not so much. Why do you feel you need to trick her? From what I''m gathering she isn''t a teen delinquent that is going to refuse and run away? I think you are really over-reacting here.
HERE is what I would do, from someone who wished her mother would do this:

I''d sit down with her. Tell her you know this is going to be uncomfortable, and that you hope she''ll hear you out. Tell her you know she''s getting to an age where this might become something that happens, and you want to make sure she knows you are ALWAYS open for questions. Tell her that you HAVE felt concern over her period pains, and if she''d like to have it checked, you''ll support her with that. Explain the fundamentals of safe sex, using condoms, and making SURE she is ok with a person before joining in in sexual activity. Tell her that you have been there, done that, and don''t want to seem invasive so you won''t ask her about anything, just let her know you are there to support her.
THEN present to her the idea of going to a gyno, under FULL confidentiality. Tell her you will MAKE SURE The doctor knows not to share any information she doesn''t want shared with you. Tell her that seeing them can be informative, and it might help her in dealing with changes going on, sexual questions, and other questions. Explain to her WHAT HPV is and tell her that it is HIGHLY common (from my gyno, nearly 80% of women have been exposed by 23)and you think she should get vaccinated so that she never has to worry about that being a cause of cancer for her. You don''t need to scare her. You want this to be positive. Tell her the gyno can give her great information that she can read over at her convenience that will be helpful later on.


Pls don''t approach this in such an assuming way.

 

[TooPatient]

If it is an option, you should try to get her to a female doctor.

I would have been (and still am) uncomfortable discussing things like this with a male doctor. I would NEVER have asked any questions if my doctor was a man. (My regular guy was but stuff like this was a woman)


The HPV immunization and pain is a very good reason for her to go. Regardless of her being sexually active or not, she should be seen for these.
I don''t think you should mislead her and tell her it is just for this.
Maybe it is mostly for this but will be completely confidential between her and the doctor so she can talk about anything else she wants also.

(around here, doctors can''t share -- even with parents -- any information if the patient is 13 or older. Not sure where you are or what the rules there are, but it did help that I knew she wouldn''t mention to my mother.)

 

[ljmorgan]

Radiant, unless your stepdaughter''s health is in jeopardy, I would leave this between her and her mother. Especially since in the US, you don''t need to go unless you''re 18, sexually active, or having health problems that need to be addressed. Also, I would not "mask" the cause of the visit.

 

[Skippy123]

Date: 10/22/2009 6:55:42 PM
Author: *Lindsey*
Radiant, unless your stepdaughter's health is in jeopardy, I would leave this between her and her mother. Especially since in the US, you don't need to go unless you're 18, sexually active, or having health problems that need to be addressed. Also, I would not 'mask' the cause of the visit.

Oh my gosh, HUGE DITTO!!! I know you want what is best for her but leave it up to her father and mother, especially if your husband feels she does not need to go. Trust your husband. Gosh, that would be awful to force her to the gyno and nothing is going on. Did you and your stepdaughter even talk about this?? Tricking someone would cause them not to trust you. I would have a heart to heart with her if it bothers you that much.

 

[MakingTheGrade]

Honestly, I think how she thinks of "entering womanhood" can be affected by how you treat it. I don't equate gyno with sexually active, I think of my gyno as someone I go to because I'm a mature woman and my body has certain maintenance requirements, lol. Personally, I don't think she'd be offended if you presented it in that manner, that women should be introduced to the idea of a gynecologist when they start menstruating, just to make sure everything is cycling correctly and that a girl is comfortable and informed of the changes that are going on, and knows what to expect. An appointment doesn't necessarily have to involve a physical either.

 

[princesss]

Date: 10/22/2009 7:09:35 PM
Author: Skippy123

Date: 10/22/2009 6:55:42 PM
Author: *Lindsey*
Radiant, unless your stepdaughter''s health is in jeopardy, I would leave this between her and her mother. Especially since in the US, you don''t need to go unless you''re 18, sexually active, or having health problems that need to be addressed. Also, I would not ''mask'' the cause of the visit.

Oh my gosh, HUGE DITTO!!! I know you want what is best for her but leave it up to her father and mother, especially if your husband feels she does not need to go. Trust your husband. Gosh, that would be awful to force her to the gyno and nothing is going on. Did you and your stepdaughter even talk about this?? Tricking someone would cause them not to trust you. I would have a heart to heart with her if it bothers you that much.

Yeah. I especially would not make any appointments for vaccines without the mother''s and father''s express permission. Whether you think it''s important or not, that is her parents'' choice. Many women are choosing not to vaccinate their daughters until they are old enough to legally decide for themselves, and if that''s the route her mother is going I can imagine she''d be (rightly) furious at you for making that choice for her daughter.

You can''t force this girl to submit to an exam, but by trying you certainly can get her to hate you and the doctor, which could have more negative results than positive. Sure, you get one exam out of her, but she''ll be a lot less likely to go for regular exams in the future.

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 10/21/2009 6:57:23 PM
Author: KatyWI

Date: 10/21/2009 1:36:21 PM
Author: radiantquest
My husband is having a little bit of clouded judgement. We have very different opinions on how to parent. Thankfully we are not having children of our own (not because of the differing opinions) but I still feel that some of of his parenting skills are off the mark. I have discussed this with him and he seems to think that there is nothing going on. He says that she doesn''t have a chance for something to go on. EXCEPT she goes to the movies with her friends, sometimes unsupervised by an adult. He allows her to go hang out at boys'' houses when their parents arent there. He lets her boyfriends come over to the house and hang out in her room with the door shut. He says that them hanging out in her room is okay becsue he can hear through the wall. I think this is all absurd! She has definently had the time to have a sexual incounter. He is a fool. There is no way that I would let my teenage daughter hang out in her room with the door shut with a boy. Or go to some boys house and do whatever she wants unsupervisd. She talks about her friends in school that have had sex. I know that she is young and everyone keeps saying that she will be embarassed, traumatized, offeneded, etc. I don''t care! I would rather her be all of those things over pregnant or with an STD. With her father being so lax about it and me being the only one that will deal with these things I feel that since he will not listen and wake up then I have to be the forceul hand and make sure that we nip this thing in the bud. The only saving grace is that she is emotionally immature. Physically very mature. I know that she has made out with boys and mastubates(husband informed me of this, not sure how he knows, but apprently there was a conversation where this information came out) so that leads me to believe that sex is the next step.

Frankly, your attitude seems horrifying to me. Your husband may not be aware at how sneaky teens can be (and trust me, I know - I had the world''s strictest mother and still managed to have sex), but your approach seems fundamentally wrong to me.

You cannot terrorize a young teen into not having sex. Why not try having open, honest conversations with her yourself so that she feels comfortable coming to you when the time is right, instead of scarring her for life and ensuring that your relationship will suffer?

Ditto times a billion.

And ditto Lindsey as well.

Frankly, your attitude about the entire situation is appalling. You call her mother an idiot. You call her father a fool. You are going to force her to go to the gyno. And she''s supposed to be ok with this

If you truly believe that her next step is sex and that there is no one there that will teach her how to be safe, this approach is not the way to go.

 

[radiantquest]

I am sorry if I have offended some of you, but I really didn''t know how to handle the situation. Her mother will not talk to her about anything. She didn''t even tell her what pubic hair is. Her father doesn''t really feel that it is a mans place to talk to her about so that leaves me. It is not as if we have the best relationship (her and I). We don''t fight or anything, but we don''t talk. I work late most nights and she is in bed soon after. We kind of just cross paths so it would be more than simply uncomfortable for me to talk to her about this.

I carry the health insurance on her so since her mother never has spoke one word to me and whenever my stepdaughter needs an appointment my husband tells me to make it. Especially for something like this. It would be my responsibility. I feel completely unprepared. I don''t know how to deal with this. I thought coming on here would answer it for me, but it seems that I pi$$ed people off more than anything else. I just feel that we wont know until it is too late.

 

[cara]

Parents can be wonderful people and wonderful parents on most topics and still be totally useless at sex ed and such things. There are many parents out there that leave it to the schools or their kids'' friends, by default. Many kids get by just fine without ever having a sex or relationship discussion with a parent - they figure it out on their own in time or their instincts or personal traits serve them well or their friends provide an adequate education or they use resources available to them or their schools to an adequate job. But if RQ is a primary parent figure in this girl''s life and knows the other parents will not be addressing this issue, then I think it is a good thing that she sees the need for someone to address this area and wants to help.

But RQ what people are saying is that your approach is all wrong.

Taking her to the doctor is not a magic bullet - and I''m not even talking about traumatizing her. Maybe the doctor in question is rushed, brusque, not ready for giving a sex ed talk to a 13 yro, doesn''t engage or draw your stepdaughter out. Forcing her to go to the doctor against her will or by subterfuge is a horrible idea. This girl needs a parent to talk to her about such things, and if you want to be in a position to influence this girl''s life for the better, then you need to work on your relationship with her to the point where you can talk to her about such things - uncomfortable as it is. Sex may be the next thing on her plate or it may be nowhere on her radar, but you don''t want to assume and imply things when you talk to her. Ask her where she is on these issues. What are her thoughts? What does she know? Does she want to go to the doctor? Does she know you will take her when she''s ready? Etc.

Just to repeat, taking her to the doctor will not magically keep her safe. Yes, she''ll get an exam and maybe some birth control (at some point) - but what about diseases? What about saying no if she''s not ready? As parents, you are right that she probably will not come to you and say, "I''ve decided to sleep with Johnny tomorrow, any last bits of advice?" But if you''ve had a bunch of conversations with her, maybe she''ll delay until she''s ready and use a condom when she does, and come to you to get an appt with the gyne sometime shortly after. Really, you want to arm her with knowledge and strength of character at this age, not attack her with a speculum.

 

[Aloros]

I''m with cara. I think it''s admirable that you''re willing to pick up the slack on the parenting end. But, I do think you''re going about it the wrong way. Build a relationship with her. At least establish yourself as someone she can talk to. Kids (even teenagers!) so often just want someone to listen. Share stories of when you were her age - the boys you liked, the things you did. It''ll make you feel more relateable to her. Be careful not to be too judgemental. Guide her in the right direction, but don''t shut her down.

Do you take her shopping or anything? The car can be a great place to have a conversation, especially if you''re just building a relationship with her. She won''t feel like you''re directly confronting her since you won''t have to make eye contact, or feel wary of some hidden agenda. You''re just filling the time.

I think it''s so important to have an open line of communication, especially when kids get to this age. With all the hormones, increased homework responsibilities, and changing social rules, it''s good for them to have someone they feel like they can turn to to help them sort things out.

 

[junebug17]

Date: 10/27/2009 11:44:45 AM
Author: Aloros
I''m with cara. I think it''s admirable that you''re willing to pick up the slack on the parenting end. But, I do think you''re going about it the wrong way. Build a relationship with her. At least establish yourself as someone she can talk to. Kids (even teenagers!) so often just want someone to listen. Share stories of when you were her age - the boys you liked, the things you did. It''ll make you feel more relateable to her. Be careful not to be too judgemental. Guide her in the right direction, but don''t shut her down.

Do you take her shopping or anything? The car can be a great place to have a conversation, especially if you''re just building a relationship with her. She won''t feel like you''re directly confronting her since you won''t have to make eye contact, or feel wary of some hidden agenda. You''re just filling the time.

I think it''s so important to have an open line of communication, especially when kids get to this age. With all the hormones, increased homework responsibilities, and changing social rules, it''s good for them to have someone they feel like they can turn to to help them sort things out.

Radiantquest, I think it is very admirable that you are concerned about your stepdaughter''s health. You obviously care or you wouldn''t even be thinking about it. I really like Aloros response, I wish I had done this more with my own daughter. I didn''t realize at the time how much teenagers need guidance and attention, because teens are also very good at acting like they don''t want these things! Try to get to know and understand your step-daughter, you won''t regret it when you look back on these years. Your step-daughter may be feeling a little alone and isolated, she might open up to you if you take an interest in her. Once you establish a rapport, you will have a better feel for what is going on in her personal life. If you really feel she is not sexually active at this point, I would hold off on the gyno for a few years. I am picturing my daughter at 13, and I think she would have been very traumatized by the experience. She had her first visit at 17.

 

[luckystar112]

Date: 10/26/2009 8:57:20 PM
Author: radiantquest
I am sorry if I have offended some of you, but I really didn''t know how to handle the situation. Her mother will not talk to her about anything. She didn''t even tell her what pubic hair is. Her father doesn''t really feel that it is a mans place to talk to her about so that leaves me. It is not as if we have the best relationship (her and I). We don''t fight or anything, but we don''t talk. I work late most nights and she is in bed soon after. We kind of just cross paths so it would be more than simply uncomfortable for me to talk to her about this.

I carry the health insurance on her so since her mother never has spoke one word to me and whenever my stepdaughter needs an appointment my husband tells me to make it. Especially for something like this. It would be my responsibility. I feel completely unprepared. I don''t know how to deal with this. I thought coming on here would answer it for me, but it seems that I pi$$ed people off more than anything else. I just feel that we wont know until it is too late.

Radiant, you know her better than any of these posters. In my opinion, "tricking" her into going to the gyno isn''t that bad of an idea. You''re right, the time is approaching for these things to be handled. 13 hasn''t been an innocent age for a couple of decades. Sure, most kids wait until their older before sexual activity but a lot of them don''t. Boy, the stories I could tell you about me and my friends when we were 13. No sex (not until we were a whopping 14 for that), but acitivities that could definitely result in an STD at the least. Especially since you say that she is allowed to be with boys alone a lot.....that''s a red flag to me.

I basically have the opposite advice to dragonfly. I''d take her to the gyno instead of having "the talk" with her. I think the latter would be way more humiliating considering you two barely talk as it is. Plus, I''m just going by my own feelings at that age--I didn''t want to have the talk with my mother, I would have much rather gone to a doctor.

Just a different perspective!

 

[february2003bride]

I have a 12, soon to be 13, year old daughter. I would never send her to my gyno (who is awesome and has a GYN in the practice that specializes with teens) until I knew she was sexually active or she told me she was planning on being active or she was getting ready to go to college. Kids today start sex ed (also called family Life Education- FLE) in kindergarten through high school. Between FLE, their friends, TV, magazines they read, pre-teens and teens are WELL versed on sex, birth control, and their bodies.

Instead of tricking her into going, I agree with building a better relationship with her. If her mother isn''t mothering her, her father is turning a blind eye and you are just passing her in the kitchen at home, who is the adult in her life that she has a close relationship with? Not just to talk to about regarding her period, sex, crushes, dating and friends, but to help guide her and build her self confidence? And forget sex, there are way worse things a teenager could do- drugs, smoking, gangs, skipping school, etc. If she doesn''t have a close adult to know her patterns and friends, so if something worse than sex is going on, there won''t be anyone to pick up on that. And I don''t mean snooping

but being intune with her.

 

[february2003bride]

Date: 10/21/2009 1:36:21 PM
Author: radiantquest
My husband is having a little bit of clouded judgement. We have very different opinions on how to parent. Thankfully we are not having children of our own (not because of the differing opinions) but I still feel that some of of his parenting skills are off the mark. I have discussed this with him and he seems to think that there is nothing going on. He says that she doesn''t have a chance for something to go on. EXCEPT she goes to the movies with her friends, sometimes unsupervised by an adult. He allows her to go hang out at boys'' houses when their parents arent there. He lets her boyfriends come over to the house and hang out in her room with the door shut. He says that them hanging out in her room is okay becsue he can hear through the wall. I think this is all absurd! She has definently had the time to have a sexual incounter. He is a fool. There is no way that I would let my teenage daughter hang out in her room with the door shut with a boy. Or go to some boys house and do whatever she wants unsupervisd. She talks about her friends in school that have had sex. I know that she is young and everyone keeps saying that she will be embarassed, traumatized, offeneded, etc. I don''t care! I would rather her be all of those things over pregnant or with an STD. With her father being so lax about it and me being the only one that will deal with these things I feel that since he will not listen and wake up then I have to be the forceul hand and make sure that we nip this thing in the bud. The only saving grace is that she is emotionally immature. Physically very mature. I know that she has made out with boys and mastubates(husband informed me of this, not sure how he knows, but apprently there was a conversation where this information came out) so that leads me to believe that sex is the next step.

If you two have different views on the boudnaries your step-daughter has, that is a bigger issue. You and your DH should discuss in private what is acceptable and what isn''t and then both of your talk to your DS about it so she understands this is a mutual agreement.

There''s being protective of your SD and trying to guide her and then there''s being the "forcefull hand" that will push her out of your house faster than you could get her to agree to going to the gyno''s office.

Actually it''s not your saving grace. Of my classmates that got pregnant in their early teens it was the emotionally immature ones. That being said, forcing a girl to go to the gyno''s office where she may or may not discuss anything in private anyway is the wrong way to go about it.