This is a complicated story, so I will try to simplify:
Jena, my girlfriend's best friend, was invited to a wedding by Paul as Paul's date. Paul is a male friend who is interested in her, but there is no mutual attraction on Jena's part. (Paul knows how Jena feels, but he is persistent.) Paul has a single friend, Jeff, who was also invited to the wedding, but did not have a date. Since my girlfriend and Jena are close friends, it was suggested (I don't know who suggested it) that my girlfriend go to the wedding as Jeff's "date." That way, Jena does not have to attend the wedding by herself and fight off Paul's advances, and Jena and my girlfriend can have a good time together at a party that they would not have been invited to otherwise.
Before I get to my concern here, let me point out that I am not looking for judgement on Jena's behavior, and I don't want to blame Jeff (or his friend Paul) for getting wrapped up in a situation that I think is sticky at best.
My concerns ceter entirely around my girlfriend. We have been dating for over 18 months and we would both agree that we are in a committed relationship. To me, this means that we do not date other people, even if we call it a "date." (And let me be clear, my girlfriend announced to me that she would be attending this wedding as Jeff's "date," she did not use the word "guest," and--in my mind--this is where I begin to have a problem.) I am worried that even though my girlfriend thinks this is not a formal date, Jeff may not see it that way. Even if Jeff and my girlfriend do share this understanding at the beginning of the night, considering there will be drinking and partying going on...I can see how this situation could get out of hand. I attended a wedding not too long ago where one of the bridesmaids slept with one of the groomsmen, and Jena herself ended up succombing to the advances of another groomsman. These things can and do happen, despite our intentions, and I am angry at my girlfriend for putting herself in this situation.
Upon breaking the news to me, my girlfriend's initial reaction was shock. She told me "I can't believe you are jealous!" She then suggested that it is not a big deal, reminded me that she was attending the wedding to be there for her friend, and expressed concern that I would "retaliate." To this last point, I told her that we are both adults and that I feel she showed poor judgement in accepting this arrangement. I then told her that I had stated my feelings and did not wish to discuss the matter further. I did not tell her that agreeing to go to a wedding as someone else's "date" hurt my feelings, because in my eyes it diminishes the significance of our relationship. I also have not metioned my concern about what could happen (and really, what kind of message this sends to her "date") and how she does not seem to think that she has put our relationship in jeopardy.
Now my girlfriend wants to discuss the matter with me, and while I have made it clear that I will not tell her she cannot attend the wedding, I need to find a meaningful way to communicate how her actions have made me feel. This is where I turn to you. I would like to hear your assessment of this situation. Did I overreact? Is there a viewpoint that I haven't considered? While I was typing this, my girlfriend called me and I didn't pick up...it's not because I'm stonewalling her, it's because I need some time to sort things out for when we have our next conversation. What can you tell me that will help us both when we do finally talk?
Edit: One thing I left out of this account that is pretty important is that Jena, Paul, my girlfriend, and Jeff have hung out together socially before when I was not there. They have consumed (too much) alcohol together when I was not there. Jeff has spent the night sleeping on the couch in Jena and my girlfriend's apartment because he consumed alcohol when I was not there. For all I know, Jeff is an upstanding guy, and I can't find it in myself to be mad at him. I am mad at my girlfriend because I think going to a wedding with Jeff has a special significance that isn't present at a social get-together (whether I'm there or not). On a somewhat related note, my girlfriend tried to explain her decision to accept the arrangement by telling me that Jeff will be standing up in the wedding, so it would look bad for him not to have a date. I hope anybody reading this can understand that this statement only made me more angry, because to my mind that is Jeff's problem...and it's not a problem that my girlfriend should be happy to solve.
One more thing: if my girlfriend had said: "I'm sorry I hurt you. I can see how you feel. I promise I won't do this again." That would have been enough conversation for me and I would consider the matter resolved. The reason we are having this talk, however, is because my girlfriend now feels bad for...making me feel bad. I don't think she gets my point of view at all, so there's a good chance that she will never apologize and stick with her notion that "it's not a big deal." I need as much feedback as possible to resolve this...so guys and gals if you can't respond to anything else I've written above, please tell me what you would do if were in this situation: if you're a lady...what would you do if you were invited to a wedding under these circumstances (please do not consider the fact that I don't approve...my girlfriend didn't know this when she accepted), and if you're a guy...well, how would you feel?
Jena, my girlfriend's best friend, was invited to a wedding by Paul as Paul's date. Paul is a male friend who is interested in her, but there is no mutual attraction on Jena's part. (Paul knows how Jena feels, but he is persistent.) Paul has a single friend, Jeff, who was also invited to the wedding, but did not have a date. Since my girlfriend and Jena are close friends, it was suggested (I don't know who suggested it) that my girlfriend go to the wedding as Jeff's "date." That way, Jena does not have to attend the wedding by herself and fight off Paul's advances, and Jena and my girlfriend can have a good time together at a party that they would not have been invited to otherwise.
Before I get to my concern here, let me point out that I am not looking for judgement on Jena's behavior, and I don't want to blame Jeff (or his friend Paul) for getting wrapped up in a situation that I think is sticky at best.
My concerns ceter entirely around my girlfriend. We have been dating for over 18 months and we would both agree that we are in a committed relationship. To me, this means that we do not date other people, even if we call it a "date." (And let me be clear, my girlfriend announced to me that she would be attending this wedding as Jeff's "date," she did not use the word "guest," and--in my mind--this is where I begin to have a problem.) I am worried that even though my girlfriend thinks this is not a formal date, Jeff may not see it that way. Even if Jeff and my girlfriend do share this understanding at the beginning of the night, considering there will be drinking and partying going on...I can see how this situation could get out of hand. I attended a wedding not too long ago where one of the bridesmaids slept with one of the groomsmen, and Jena herself ended up succombing to the advances of another groomsman. These things can and do happen, despite our intentions, and I am angry at my girlfriend for putting herself in this situation.
Upon breaking the news to me, my girlfriend's initial reaction was shock. She told me "I can't believe you are jealous!" She then suggested that it is not a big deal, reminded me that she was attending the wedding to be there for her friend, and expressed concern that I would "retaliate." To this last point, I told her that we are both adults and that I feel she showed poor judgement in accepting this arrangement. I then told her that I had stated my feelings and did not wish to discuss the matter further. I did not tell her that agreeing to go to a wedding as someone else's "date" hurt my feelings, because in my eyes it diminishes the significance of our relationship. I also have not metioned my concern about what could happen (and really, what kind of message this sends to her "date") and how she does not seem to think that she has put our relationship in jeopardy.
Now my girlfriend wants to discuss the matter with me, and while I have made it clear that I will not tell her she cannot attend the wedding, I need to find a meaningful way to communicate how her actions have made me feel. This is where I turn to you. I would like to hear your assessment of this situation. Did I overreact? Is there a viewpoint that I haven't considered? While I was typing this, my girlfriend called me and I didn't pick up...it's not because I'm stonewalling her, it's because I need some time to sort things out for when we have our next conversation. What can you tell me that will help us both when we do finally talk?
Edit: One thing I left out of this account that is pretty important is that Jena, Paul, my girlfriend, and Jeff have hung out together socially before when I was not there. They have consumed (too much) alcohol together when I was not there. Jeff has spent the night sleeping on the couch in Jena and my girlfriend's apartment because he consumed alcohol when I was not there. For all I know, Jeff is an upstanding guy, and I can't find it in myself to be mad at him. I am mad at my girlfriend because I think going to a wedding with Jeff has a special significance that isn't present at a social get-together (whether I'm there or not). On a somewhat related note, my girlfriend tried to explain her decision to accept the arrangement by telling me that Jeff will be standing up in the wedding, so it would look bad for him not to have a date. I hope anybody reading this can understand that this statement only made me more angry, because to my mind that is Jeff's problem...and it's not a problem that my girlfriend should be happy to solve.
One more thing: if my girlfriend had said: "I'm sorry I hurt you. I can see how you feel. I promise I won't do this again." That would have been enough conversation for me and I would consider the matter resolved. The reason we are having this talk, however, is because my girlfriend now feels bad for...making me feel bad. I don't think she gets my point of view at all, so there's a good chance that she will never apologize and stick with her notion that "it's not a big deal." I need as much feedback as possible to resolve this...so guys and gals if you can't respond to anything else I've written above, please tell me what you would do if were in this situation: if you're a lady...what would you do if you were invited to a wedding under these circumstances (please do not consider the fact that I don't approve...my girlfriend didn't know this when she accepted), and if you're a guy...well, how would you feel?