Ladies, when does it end?

[pinkflamingo]

yeah, i agree with the previous posters... it is time for you to work out a budget, both for the next year- are you saving $$ for a mortgage downpayment as well? and also for the wedding. It depends on if your parents are going to help finance the wedding as well, or will you be paying for it on your own with her dad''s help?

so much to think about. it is so tough! especially homebuying, we bought our first house last year, with help from DH''s parents. it was really difficult as prices were rising 5K every week or so it seemed. We finally found a house but we had to compromise on square footage (just under 1500 which was our bare minimum size when we started). We did get the conservation backyard, the new dimensional shingle roof and brand new top of the line heat pump/AC system. ) But it was really really hard! You guys need to see eye to eye on finances. I had my heart set on another house that was about 50K over our budget, and needed a new roof and heat pump badly. Had we not sat down and discussed what our day to day budget would have been like, I might have resented DH for not allowing us to buy that house. I am now glad we didn''t get it because we would have been on a very very tight budget.

It''s all about open communication. I think you guys can work it out, but you need to start talking now. (spoiled brat here as well!)

 

[diamondseeker2006]

I still see nothing wrong with him borrowing a small amount to supplement the $6000. if he wants to pay for it all himself. She will be debt free and he only has $5000. left to pay on student loans. They will have two incomes very soon as she has a guaranteed job. I personally would certainly wait a year or so to get a new car if it would help me get the ring I''d hope to wear for years or forever. I also see nothing wrong with scaling down the wedding costs and using some of that money. I''d rather put money toward a ring than spending $3000 on a wedding dress any day.

 

[Mara]

hehe it''s sooo funny to read this thread. everyone has a different opinion!!! everyone offers a different solution! it''s pretty intriguing.

anyway i wanted to chime in again to say i don''t agree with using any of the wedding budget to pay for the ring. i don''t know why but that totally doesn''t work for me. i don''t think that her parents giving cash for the wedding should be used for the ring. if you approach her father asking for more $$ for a larger ring (eek wouldn''t do that either!) then make it separate from the wedding. to me if you used the wedding budget to get her a bigger rock you are telling her that she can do whatever she wants with other people''s money AND it''s almost to me like taking money from a gift like that to get the house painted or something superfluous. it just doesn''t work for me.

i also am getting a little concerned as some other posters mentioned that you two have not started to discuss your LIFE TOGETHER beyond getting engaged and the wedding. this is really serious stuff! if you are having this much trouble getting to agree on the diamond and what money goes where and how much is spent, that does not bode well for making serious sacrifices or decisions for the future. let me tell you, as two people who came from similar backgrounds both doing well in our careers and seemingly on the same page about many things, my husband and i still had to struggle for a little while figuring out how to come together in terms of finances, what was a priority, how to split things up, what was important to both of us and how to compromise. it''s tough enough when you come from similar backgrounds and lifestyles, but when you come from entirely different backgrounds and one expects the moon and the other expects to work hard to maybe fly to the moon one day, it may be even tougher. it sounds like you will both be successful in your careers but what if her expectations are far above yours and her lifestyle and quality of living is always mentally going to be like wanting the 2c but you can only afford and are prepared to realistically pay for a 1c? aka the 2c vacation vs the 1c vacation, the 2c house vs the 1c house, the 2c car..well you get the point.

anyway above and beyond giving her a reality check on the ring, i think you two need to start discussing how the marriage is going to work. is she always going to be like this when she can''t have something she wants? i think you know her well enough to answer that. if so, time to start working on it !!! it doesn''t get easier. lastly, i agree with asking her to fork in some $$ for the ring, i agree with ally re: that it''s not the 50''s and things are different now. sure in the old days the man provided the ring but things have changed. if she is willing to match what you have or whatever and get closer to the 2c, then it can be something you do together rather than all you. and also this may be a way to compromise for the future. but if this sets a precedent you are not comfortable with then something to think about again. i just feel a little worried that you two are not ''aligned'' very well right now on this issue and probably more issues than you know yet. good luck working it all out!!!

 

[ladykemma]

Date: 5/21/2006 2:11:16 PM
Author: tracys126
Hey Steve,

This is a great thread and I have a lot say but not a lot of time to write, because I have to leave for an appointment right now.

But I too had 2ct expectation, and when I found out the prices (and found pricescope for that matter) I was shocked and immediately had diamond anxiety/envy. Also because I live in Southern California, I wanted something that could keep up a bit with the ring scene here. But I didn''t want BLINGY - just something simple, classy and 2cts!

Anyway, I didn''t hit 2cts and you know what? I LOVE MY RING. I spent a month researching and trying to find a ring within our budget, then I threw in the towel and let Jeff just go for it. I now have a 1.4 - and every single time I look at it, you know what I think? I think, I love my fiance. I love that I am engaged. I love that we found each other.

I''m finding that it''s less about size and more about a symbol of our love.

BUT I WANTED TO SAY... DO YOUR VERY BEST TO GIVE HER WHAT SHE WANTS because she will have to look at it every day until the upgrade!

And if you don''t mind me asking? Can you pretty please allow some of the wedding budget to go toward the ring if that''s what she wants? I mean, if the ring is more important than certain aspects of the wedding for her, hey, comprise here. Why the heck not?!

Good luck. Tough situation. I just lived through it!!

deep breath - before you consider doing this-- consider that if you do, "daddy" or her "running to daddy" will be in your marriage from here on out. this is a life changing decision, and not a wise one. choose which way you should go.
better to nip this in the bud right now.

also "DO YOUR VERY BEST TO GIVE HER WHAT SHE WANTS because she will have to look at it every day until the upgrade!" is sad on many levels.

 

[dbgaap]

Can''t wait to see what happens!

When DH and I were getting engaged this was a stressful point of compromise, too.
I would have preferred no diamond ring ("let''s just get matching wedding bands!") rather than something icky.

Maybe for some people this is just the first big decision you are making together & you will learn a lot about each other in the process.

I was very conservative when we were shopping and all I could see in the future was the high cost of living in our city, putting 3 kids through college (we are both on our 2nd marriages, obviously) and I was very concerned about spending money on luxuries.
He was in total la-la land about the cost of diamond rings and started with an intial budget that was way too low anyway.
And- he wanted to pay for it himself, simply refusing any contribution from me.

So we had a lot to work out.

We did work it all out and we are now happily married.

I am one of the ladies who has upgraded recently and it has been SO MUCH FUN. We understand each other, we have shopped together, I have contribnuted funds, we are much better off financially than I expected, the kids are doing well...
I am saying, maybe everything will work out ok for youl, too.

It''s an emotional time and you are hitting a bump in the road.

I can''t wait to see how this turns out!!!
Keep us posted & thanks for the interesting post!

 

[ForteKitty]

This eBay story sounds rather similar to this thread:

poor guy


On the other hand, it is a nice ring...

 

[strmrdr]

dunno when but the where is pretty sure if you 2 don''t work out some issues before you spend some money on a ring....
divorce court

 

[tracys126]

 

[Odilia]

Date: 5/21/2006 5:38:47 PM
Author: strmrdr
dunno when but the where is pretty sure if you 2 don''t work out some issues before you spend some money on a ring....
divorce court

It seems to me I heard once that the number one reason for divorce was money issues. I don''t have time to read all 94 or whatever pages of this thread, but I agree wholeheartedly with those who say, you better make sure you are "fiscally compatible" for lack of a better way of putting it, before you take the plunge. It is so much bigger a deal than people think. I know someone who married a girl who was used to buying whatever she wanted whenever she wants it, and it causes untold problems.

 

[TravelingGal]

I haven''t read everything, and am having a quick break from my future in law''s visit, but my two cents:

A) I live in Southern California and have some well to do friends. I think it''s bull that you need a two carat diamond to keep up with the joneses. Keeping up with the joneses is never a good idea anyway. I have a one carat diamond that looks plenty big to me, and I love it. I realize it won''t be enough for everyone, but I think it''s a lovely size. Surprisingly, I don''t know very many people with large diamonds even though they are very well off...there are other things they''d rather spend their money on.

B) I think it''s fine to chip in for the diamond. I make more money than my FI. I knew what I liked (setting wise, not diamond size), and really didn''t care for a ring if it didn''t meet that standard. So in a way, I guess I am like your girlfriend. I don''t see an engagement ring as a "symbol" of love...I was happy to get married without it. But since he really wanted to go through the tradition, I didn''t feel he had to pay for my tastes, so I put money in. And even then, our ring budget wasn''t stratospheric by any means. I know you are thinking about a $6000 budget, and ours was about the same. We are thrilled with the results, and I do love my ring.

I know we don''t know your girlfriend, but from what you have written...I find her a bit disconcerting. I don''t understand how anyone can demand (for lack of a better word) someone spend a required amount for what is essentially a gift.

 

[Mannequin]

Date: 5/21/2006 5:34:40 PM
Author: ForteKitty
This eBay story sounds rather similar to this thread:

poor guy


On the other hand, it is a nice ring...

I don''t know whether to laugh or to cry over that story. Poor fella, he really got himself into a predicament.

 

[Odilia]

Date: 5/21/2006 6:42:58 PM
Author: equestrienne

Date: 5/21/2006 5:34:40 PM
Author: ForteKitty
This eBay story sounds rather similar to this thread:
poor guy

On the other hand, it is a nice ring...

I don''t know whether to laugh or to cry over that story. Poor fella, he really got himself into a predicament.

Same here, although I have to admit at some point in the story I did start to laugh out loud! I do feel sorry for the poor guy, although much less sorry for him than if he''d married her. And ForteKitty is right; nice ring.

Sorry, stevebudha, don''t mean to hijack your thread. Just an aside.....

 

[KristyDarling]

Guys, just to clarify because it''s driving me nuts reading through this thread........Steve mentioned early on in the thread that his GF suggested taking HER PARENTS'' WEDDING BUDGET CONTRIBUTION and putting some of it towards her e-ring instead. Personally, I think that was a very immature and selfish suggestion by Steve''s GF. It''s just wrong on so many levels. It''s like pilfering funds....her parents meant for that money to go towards something specific: the cost of hosting wedding guests, paying for food/drink, etc etc etc....NOT her e-ring. However, if Steve''s GF has her OWN money that she wants to contribute to the ring...then by all means! I''m a big supporter of that idea and always have been.

Even if her parents had openly and freely offered to help pay for the e-ring, that would''ve been weird enough. (especially for Steve) But that''s not even the case...Steve''s GF wanted to take the *wedding budget money* and decide on her own to spend it on something else instead. Doesn''t this strike anyone else as just wrong or am I the only one who feels that way?

I like Perry''s grocery list of "real life" budget concerns. She has probably been sheltered from it for most of her life and is not fully aware of how rigorous and difficult it is to build a strong financial foundation. Maybe you need to sit her down and force her to go through the nuts and bolts of it along with you. It''s part of growing up and we all go through it.

If going through all of this ring business has left you feeling frustrated, and neither "side" is budging and you can''t find a compromise, then maybe you guys need to just take a step back and figure out if you''re really ready for such a big step. This could turn out to be a valuable life lesson and relationship test.

 

[ForteKitty]

If she grew up in a wealthy family, she most likely feels that:

1) Parent''s money = her money
2) Her parents already paid for her law school, what''s a few more grand towards her ring?
3) If she was going to contribute towards the wedding, and her parents will as well, than their contribution = her contribution, which in turns = her money. So she can spend it on her ring if she chooses! (doesn''t make sense to me, but i''ve heard of that dysfunctional logic before)

Of course, this is worst case scenario. But I have seen many people here in S. California w/ the same thought process.

Good luck Steve.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 5/21/2006 10:20:02 AM
Author: allycat0303
I respectfully disagree that he should be able to provide whatever she wants. Seriously, what''s wrong with her contributing? If she can afford it, what''s the big deal?? They''re a couple. If I wanted something my boyfriend couldn''t afford, I would buy it, really it''s no big deal. On the other hand, if it''s an engagement ring, and it really BOTHERS/Upsets my boyfriend then what he provides has to be good enough. If he doesn''t mind then who cares about what tradition says???


Hope you work it out Steve,

nothing is wrong with her contributing. not only that, she should get a big HONKER for Steve too.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 5/21/2006 10:26:58 AM
Author: Lorelei
A full carat is nothing to be sneezed at! Especially as the average diamond size in e-rings in the States is around a third of a carat I believe.

Brit GF

mabe in the UK but,here in the U.S. is about .95ct center

avg for PS girls is about 1.45ct center stone.

 

[diamondfan]

I will weigh in here and hope, since I did not have time to read all threads, that I am not being too redundant, but hope to just add my .02.

I got engaged at 24. I was given a 1.53 round, in a setting I did not love. The stone was okay quality. I had it for 10 years. My husband is very successful, but at 24 we were starting out. Kids came, I was in graduate school (and we were paying for it) and we were trying to buy a home.

After 10 years, I got an upgrade. It was lovely and gorgeous, a three carat e/c with one carat on each side, in platinum from Tiffanys, all e color and vvs1. A ring that was wonderful and I had it 5 years.

My 40th came. And, my 15th anniversary. I happen to admit to being someone who loves all things girly and I had always wanted to a drop dead ring. Dh was doing very well, and we had all the things we wanted, and I felt, as long as we could afford it, that I could broach it. Dh was not totally thrilled but understood. I did not want it because someone else had one, I just wanted it, and it was not a competetive act.

I think that your question of when will it end cannot be answered by us, since we do not know your girl and what drives her. I agree that I might be worried about the potential issues down the road if this is a ''keep up with people" thing. To me, when someone is like that, they never really reach a saturation point. Someone ALWAYS has bigger or better or nicer than you. If that is what drives you, you will always feel lacking and since you do not look at what you have and realize that there are always people who have less or more and you can NEVER catch up totally, you cannot really be satisfied. I am not sure if it is a question of values or something deeper. I would be a bit worried about how you would constantly feed it. Some people here have an ugrade before a year, or upgrade within a few months, but I think that is less common. I think a milestone event is nice to commemorate if you can, but that should not be on the table before you even get engaged.

I hope this helps, and good luck. I am sure you have gotten great advice...

 

[IrishAngel7982]

"Steve"~
How have things been going? I don''t have much to add because my thoughts have come out in others'' comments. All I can say is WOW...some serious discussions are in order. If she refuses to budge about the ring, it''s very likely she may not budge about other things either. $6,000 is a very generous ring budget and I think a good quality 1 carat stone is absolutely amazing! It bothers me that she doesn''t seem thankful at all. As others have said, is a 1 million dollar house part of her fantasy as well? Weddings aren''t exactly cheap either...add car payments, the mortgage, any debt you may have, living expenses...yikes. Has your girlfriend ever lived on her own and had to take care of anything financially by herself? I think there is nothing wrong with having her chip in on the ring if nothing less is acceptable.

It might offer her a reality check if you were to say (against your better wishes, I know) "Ok, if this is so important to you, you take care of your own ering and I''ll put my 6k towards the wedding/honeymoon." Maybe if it were her money in question for once, not yours or her parents'', she''d think differently. An ering is a gift, and I know women have their own expectations and tastes, but I feel badly that you''re having to go through this with little compromise on her end. It makes her seem so materialistic and not excited at all to be marrying you, just utter excitement for an emorous ring. It makes you wonder. I have to admit that I felt like I was being materialistic when I wasn''t exactly thrilled that my bf was planning to give me his family''s 1/2 carat stone as an ering, because I thought it would look small on my huge size 7 finger. I had a night of stupidity, but now I''m honored that his family offered their stone to give to me when we''re ready to get married...and the stone itself isn''t a symbol of how much he loves me, but rather a symbol of our love for eachother. I wish your girlfriend could see that. I know I''m rambling and haven''t offered much new advice, so for that I apologize. This post struck a nerve with me, because I don''t like to see women unhappy to be getting married to a wonderful man unless certain specifications have been met. Good luck - you seem like such a sweet guy - and please keep us posted!

 

[IrishAngel7982]

One more thing~I forgot to mention that if you''re driving a 13-year-old car, sooner or later it will clunk out and you''ll need to purchase a new one. $20,000 is close to a car payment (unless you''re going to splurge on yourself.)

Just something to think about. If your budget (after it has been doubled) is $6,000...then that''s what you should spend.

 

[galeteia]

This topic makes me ashamed of my gender.

I''m glad there are so many women out there who have reacted with astonishment and disdain over the shallowness, materialism, selfishness, and pettiness of your girlfriend. When I was out looking at rings to get an idea of what size of stone would look best for my hand, the saleslady got me to try on a ring worth 31k. I looked at it, and handed it back to her saying "That is an entire university degree right there."

Getting engaged isn''t about having a mongongous rock to rub in the faces of your equally spoiled peers. It''s about wearing the symbol of the devotion between you and the man you are going to marry, and annoucing your intentions to the world.

I seriously question what sorts of values this woman would instill in her children, if you two choose to have any.

 

[Mara]

Kristy...I didn't miss that and I do agree with FK that she probably feels like her parents money is hers so what is the big deal.

She may have been raised spoiled and you won't be able to change that, but it doesn't automatically spell doom for your life together. I think you two should have a few serious talks if you have not yet already, not just about the ring but about your life together...and I would estimate if you already know these things about her (how she was raised etc) you know you may have some work cut out to bring her and keep her down to reality...but if you love her and she loves you, and she is willing to compromise (and you both are) then I think that you two should be able to make things work. But you need to communicate a bit more to each other!!

 

[diamondfan]

I agree with you, G. I think there is nothing wrong with loving nice things and wanting to perhaps upgrade someday, but I think that should be something that occurs when it works financially etc. She is setting the bar high and sending out a message that I think is pretty tough to swallow. I had my first ring for 10 years and loved it because my dh chose it. Eventually, yes, I decided that my tastes had changed and our finances were good, so we went for the upgrade. (I initially, in all honesty, just wanted to put the round in a platinum setting, since I did not like my yellow gold modern one, but when I went to do it we discovered the stone was not a good one and it did upset me a bit, so we did the stone upgrade as well). Bottom line to me is that the ring shows the love and committment, and though it is a symbol only, and there is nothing wrong with wanting something specific, he has made it clear where he stands. She just seems intent on finessing the situation so she gets what she wants. I think her goal is to have the ring a certain way, and I think she is causing grief over it. Steve, you sound like a reasonable and fair guy, and it seems simple to me. This is what you can afford now. You have stated it eloquently to her. You have other expenses to think about as well, and this is what makes sense now. She needs to understand it, or I think the issues are bigger than the ring itself, jmho...

 

[widget]

Date: 5/21/2006 9:28:15 PM
Author: Galateia
...... the shallowness, materialism, selfishness, and pettiness of your girlfriend.

Whoa....pretty strong words to describe a person you don''t even know....I think that''s a little unfair.

Since this this topic has generated four pages of comments (so far) it has obviously hit a lot of nerves. Hopefully Steve can glean something helpful from it. Since his GF is apparently a lurker, maybe she''s reading all this and as a result constructive conversation is going on between them right now!

Steve: best wishes to BOTH of you!

widget

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 5/20/2006 5:32:02 PM
Author: stevebudha

I am going to let everything digest for a few days and see what happens. I never thought about letting her contribute to the budget. I don't think any of my friends let their girlfriends contribute.

Any more thoughts on letting her contribute? I am adamant about not using the wedding money from her parents toward her ring and she knows that will not fly. But 'her' money is not something I had considered.

Maybe none of your friends *had* to let their girls contribute.....maybe those girls were perfectly happy with the kind of ring $6k could buy.

I'd only let her contribute IF she has the money in her savings now, and it comes from HER savings. I wouldn't let it happen via a student loan or any other loan, because that's not HER paying it off; it's both of you. That's just a way to circumvent your budget.

If she has the cash to make up the difference, and she doesn't want to compromise at all, then let her fund the rest of the ring from her own money.....not the wedding money from her parents, but her OWN money.

 

[fire&ice]

I just want to chime in here about the "wedding money". My parents gave us a set amount. Anything above that or below that was our responsibility. It was a generous budget and we shopped really well. We ended up with excess which we spent on our honeymoon. In NO way did we feel like my parents paid for the honeymoon. It was just a sign of good shopping and COMPROMISE. Compromise being the operative word.

So, I don''t think that the ring is outside the "wedding budget". I dont think you will be beholden to her parents. It would be her decision on how to spend the budget. This is provided the "budget" is INDEED static.

 

[Lorelei]

Date: 5/21/2006 7:39:14 PM
Author: Dancing Fire

Date: 5/21/2006 10:26:58 AM
Author: Lorelei
A full carat is nothing to be sneezed at! Especially as the average diamond size in e-rings in the States is around a third of a carat I believe.

Brit GF

mabe in the UK but,here in the U.S. is about .95ct center

avg for PS girls is about 1.45ct center stone.

Actually my American BF I remember reading here that the average e-ring size in the States is a third of a carat.

In the UK the average is about 10 points!

My thinking on this ( and I asked Hubby's opinion for a guys point of view) is that if Steve doesn't want her to contribute money from any source towards this ring then she shouldn't push it. I may be totally wrong here, but if Steve wants to foot the bill for this ring, he might be feeling that the GF would be undermining him by adding to the funds. This might possibly cause resentment not only now but in the future with other purchases. I wish I could have had the diamond I have now when I first got engaged but I knew it wasn't possible or practical and knew I would have to wait a long time for it. It was worth it and I know times have changed that some want a big diamond when they first get engaged, but like with many of us she might just have to compromise and wait until it can happen.

 

[lizz]

I have read many, but not all, of these posts. Something tells me that Steve''s GF will never contribute her own money to this ring. She expects him to provide her with a rock she loves in a certain budget range. Steve has plainly told her he does not want to use the wedding money toward the ring.

When I got engaged, I would have been happy to have a ring made of aluminum foil. I just couldn''t believe I finally found the man of my dreams. So if your girl does not appreciate you for you, Steve, you need to move on to another girl, someone who does appreciate who you are.

Whoever said your values about money are too different is right. Those expensive purses and shoes, I think you said she buys, Steve, are really going to add up. Since you''re not married yet, you may have no idea how much they actually cost. Ask her sometime how much they are since you will be buying these jointly when you are married.

 

[ephemery1]

Date: 5/21/2006 9:44:01 PM
Author: widget

Date: 5/21/2006 9:28:15 PM
Author: Galateia
...... the shallowness, materialism, selfishness, and pettiness of your girlfriend.

Whoa....pretty strong words to describe a person you don''t even know....I think that''s a little unfair.

Since this this topic has generated four pages of comments (so far) it has obviously hit a lot of nerves. Hopefully Steve can glean something helpful from it. Since his GF is apparently a lurker, maybe she''s reading all this and as a result constructive conversation is going on between them right now!

Steve: best wishes to BOTH of you!

widget

Widget, your objectivity is so great... thanks for posting this. I think sometimes on these forums we get caught up in our own emotional reactions and forget that this is a real person we''re judging, with multiple dimensions and feelings and motivations. (Or at least I forget, from time to time!) We''re all so fiercely loyal to the posters that we can react a little harshly to the subject of their discontent.

Without knowing Steve''s GF personally (unless she''s me... hehe), I think she could be perceived two ways:

1) A spoiled princess who is planning on relying on Daddy for the rest of her life to provide her with a cushy job and all the nice things her pitiful husband''s salary cannot afford her, who views her e-ring as a trophy whose size is proportionate to her self-worth, or...

2) An intelligent, successful, competitive young woman whose upbringing has taught her to value nice things, but has never had to work quite as hard for those things as the average person, so may not fully understand their cost, or that other people (including her BF) may have different priorities when it comes to spending/budgeting money

My guess is that she falls somewhere in between those two ends of the spectrum... but hopefully closer to #2. And I agree with everyone who has posted that it would be a good idea for her and Steve to really sit down and talk about money, as this kind of stuff could keep coming up for the rest of their lives together. I don''t think it''s insurmountable, just something that needs to be discussed...

 

[StephanieK]

Let me introduce myself. I am Stephanie, "Steve''s" girlfriend. I have read all the responses and I am a little disappointed at the number of you that think I am a spoiled brat or think I am only interested in THE RING. I feel as though I need to explain some things in order to let you see my point of view.

What Steve didn''t put in his first post was that I had inherited a 1.44ct round diamond from my grandmother, and that is what we were originally going to use for my enagement ring. All Steve had to do was pay for the setting. I picked out a beautiful Tacori setting and thought we were being very resourceful (and saving a lot of money) by using my grandmother''s diamond, not to mention I really wanted to use it as it meant a lot to me.

A monkeywrench was thrown in our plan. We went to our jeweler and brought my grandmother''s ring for him to send out to Tacori. The jeweler looked at the diamond, which was still in my grandmother''s original setting and discovered a huge fracture along the girdle. When he cleaned the ring a huge chunk of the diamond fell off. The jeweler said the chunk must have been held in place with years of muck and soap scum on it. Because of where the fracture was, the jeweler said it would be very hard to recut and that a lot of weight would be lost. So we were left with no diamond. I was very disappointed.

Steve was pretty nonchalant about it and said we can start looking for a replacement diamond. I had been lurking long before he was and I see now that our mistake was that I assumed that when he said "replacement diamond" he meant look for one of similar size/quality as my grandmother''s. When I finally did take him to a couple of stores to see diamonds in person, he really did have sticker shock. He didn''t know how big a carat was in person, any of the 4 C''s, or differences between platinum and gold.

I never knew his original budget was $3,000 until he brought it up the other night. So naturally when he said his budget was then $6,000, I couldn''t help but be disappointed because I thought he said it was OK to look for a replacement for my grandmother''s diamond. There was obviously a lack of communication on both our parts, which we acknowledged last night when we talked about it again.

I am a little surprised at the flack I am getting for suggesting using the wedding budget for my engagement ring. I know plenty of couples that used the budget for their wedding rings, so I didn''t see anything wrong with using it for my ring as well. This way Steve would not feel as though he would have to dip into his savings for my ring.

For the record, my parents are giving us a healthy sum toward the wedding, an amount of money that they came up with, not me. In fact, up until now, I have been able to plan our wedding using only their money, and I see nothing wrong with that. We are having the reception at the country club that my parents belong to and we are getting a deal on it because my dad has been a member there so long. I bought a used Vera Wang dress at a boutique, and it is the same price as a lot of new less expensive designer dresses out there. I am using my sister''s veil and my grandmother''s jewelry. We are staying at a timeshare that my uncle owns for our honeymoon. There are still a few things left to plan (flowers, invitations and such) but I know there are less expensive options for those so I figured why not use some money toward the ring? My parents gave us the money to do whatever we wanted to do with it. We could have just eloped and put all the money toward a house as they didn''t put any requirements on how the money had to be used.

I can''t help that I grew up in a wealthy family. My parents have worked very, very hard to get to where they are at today, and I never thought of my parents'' money as "my money". I am incredibly grateful that they paid for my schooling but I did not grow up with every thing handed to me on a silver platter. I probably am a bit spolied, but it''s not as though I have no sense of money. I have always worked part time at my dad''s firm, and when Steve says I have never had a "real job", it is probably true as my dad has been pretty lenient in letting me take time off to study or not making me come in the office at 7:00 am. My dad is getting older and has some health problems so he has cut back his hours to 40-50 a week (down from 80 or so) and I know he would like to retire in the next few years. I want to work at his firm once I pass the bar not because I feel like I owe it to him, but because I want to. My sister worked there, my brother now works there and my younger brother will work there too he said. I have already been warned that it will not be a cushy job, as my dad expects a lot from us, but my dad is also realistic and does not demand that his staff work 80 - 90 hour weeks. I also want to work part time once we have a family and I know it will be easier to do that at my dad''s firm than at a lot of other firms.

Steve and I have discussed what we expect from marriage many times and I think we have a very realistic view. One of the reasons why I do go out and buy my own purses and shoes and other frivilous things is that I don''t expect him to buy me those things when I am perfectly able to myself. I know once we get married that it becomes "our" money but we have an arrangement where we each have a separate account for play money. I know I will make more money than Steve does once I pass the bar and will have to think twice before I go out and buy the newest Louis Vutton bag, but I think there are many other women in the same situation as me where they have to think before they buy something. I don''t expect Steve to keep me in some lofty lifestyle and we will probably argue about money from time to time like every other couple does.

It also hasn''t been easy being "me". When your dad is a very successful lawyer and has a lot of money, there is a lot of jealously out there. I dated guys that wanted to date me for my family''s money. Classmates in law school thought that my dad called the admissions committee and got me admitted. I always had to prove I was smart. Even now, the big gossip around the office is that I must be planning this hugely extravagant wedding because my dad is paying for it.

We discussed my engagement ring last night and came up with a compromise. Maybe I was in la-la land expecting a $20,000 ring, but hopefully you can understand why I thought that way. I also thought that if I do contribute half the budget that there will be the whispers that my dad also paid for my ring. So what we are going to do is that Steve will contribue the $6000 he was going to for the center diamond, and I will pay for the setting. I still really love the Tacori setting that I was going to get for my grandmother''s diamond so that''s what I am gong to get. I promised Steve I won''t compare myself to anyone else on PriceScope and that I will wait until an anniversary before mentioning the word "upgrade".

I hope this puts things a little more in perspective for everyone out there. I am not a money hungry spoiled brat that is making my boyfriend get me something out of his league.

 

[KristyDarling]

Stephanie -- thanks so much for coming and telling your story. I was hoping you would. It must have been beyond frustrating to read through these last 4 pages! There are always two sides to every story and it''s good to read yours. You''re right, no one can change the circumstances into which they are born. A lot of times we are too quick to judge what it means to be "wealthy." It''s more PC to pick on the "have''s" than on the "have-nots", I guess!! And just a comment about using the wedding money toward the ring -- if your parents hadn''t earmarked it specifically for the wedding but rather for you and Steve in general, then I see nothing wrong with that approach. That detail clarified things for me a bit better.

I think your agreement of having Steve pay for the stone while you pay for the setting is perfect. Everyone gets what they want! I''m glad that you two worked everything out, and that you''ve acknowledged some of the communication gaps. Best of luck to you with wedding plans!!