Ladies, when does it end?

[stevebudha]

This is my first post although I have been lurking and learning for quite a while. I decided to finally post because something has really been bugging me and I am hoping to get some insight on this.

I have to keep some details vague, as my girlfriend lurks on this site and I don''t want her to realize it is me posting this (and, no, my name is not really Steve).

My girlfriend and I discussed buying an engagement rings a few months ago. She discovered this site after searching sites like Blue Nile and Mondera and visiting several mall jewelry stores. I have been reading up the loads of information and am amazed at the amount of information out there and how I almost made a completely uneducated purchase.

I upped my budget considerably after I learned what I actually could get for the budget I first started with. My budget is less than many of the rings I see here, but I think I can still get her something really nice without putting myself in debt.

My problem is that my girlfriend is constantly comparing herself and what she is expecting to get to the people on this site. She constantly points out when someone gets an upgrade or a new setting. I am kind of dumbfounded at the number of ladies that have upgraded their diamonds in such a short time frame. Maybe I am more sentimental than some of the ladies here, but I think that upgrades should be saved for major anniversaries (5, 10 20 years for example). It seems like it is not unusual for ladies to upgrade their diamonds more than once a year. My girlfriend seems to be completely enamored with diamonds in the 2 carat range, something I know I cannot afford now, nor do I know if I ever want to spend that much money on a diamond.

So my question to the ladies, especially those who have upgraded, is when does it stop? Is there ever going to be a time when you are completely satisfied? Or, is it when you hit that magic number that all the trading in/up stops? I am asking because I think my girlfriend is setting her expectations high and will be disappointed in what I am able to get her, and I do not want to be resentful nor have the question of "how soon can I upgrade?" asked. I would like to think that she would be happy with whatever I get her (and yes, I do know what shape, kind of metal and setting she wants) but I get this nagging feeling that she will ultimately look at her ring and not be happy.

I have discussed this with her and she admits that she does get jealous of the beautiful rings out there because she knows hers will not be as big as some on this site (and for the record, I am getting a center stone of around 1ct) and she will just get mad that I didn''t sacrifice more money for her "dream ring".

Am I being off base here? I don''t mean to offend anyone, but I want this engagement ring experience to be a joyful one and not one riddled with jealously and "what if''s".

 

[pearcrazy]

I upgraded from a .54 carat to a 1.12 carat diamond for my 13th anniversary. I enjoy looking at the bling here but I have no plans to upgrade again. I am completely satisfied with what I have now.

Keep in mind that pricescope regulars aren't representative of the general population. We're a group of people with more than a normal facination with diamonds and jewelry. Now if you check carefully you'll find that most posters here hang around for just long enough to get their rings and then they go their merry way, get engaged, get married and that's the end of it.

 

[portoar]

Sorry to be so blunt about this, but I think your gf needs to get her priorities sorted out here. Sure, some people here get whopping big diamonds, and some of them are in really bad taste, too.

She should be happy with what you can afford. If you can afford a 1 carat diamond, that''s more than a lot of other people on this board can afford. I suggest you need to head off this diamond envy . . . maybe next time she mentions somebody''s upgrade, you can say politely but firmly, "I believe that upgrades should be reserved for important anniversaries," and "it''s nice that some people can afford such a large diamond, but I will get you the most beautiful diamond I can within our budget."

If she''s going to be unhappy with you getting the best you can afford, I have to wonder . . . I guess my best suggestion is to give her the total budget and work with her on choosing the diamond and the setting. Maybe if the size is important to her she''s willing to sacrifice on color and clarity (as so many others in the 2 carat range have done) for size; maybe she''d be happy to have a simple, inexpensive setting (e.g. white gold solitaire setting instead of fancy platinum) to nudge more of the budget towards the diamond.

And, if you think you''re going to be uncomfortable dropping $15-20 on a big diamond down the road, best she knows it now.

I''ve looked at some of the gems and jewelry that people on this board are buying, and it''s worth reminding her that a lot of these people make serious money in order to be able to afford what they are buying, and some are 20+ years into their marriages and lived for years with very inexpensive rings.

She needs some perspective. Good luck.

 

[Odilia]

stevebudha, I really feel for you! It seems PS can be both a blessing and a curse. Blessing in helping get a good ring, a curse in that it is not a "real world." The commonality of people upgrading and changing their rings is so skewed here, partly because of the nature of this website.

I'm sure you will get tons of good insights from the others, so I'll just share my own story. I am the type who is very sentimental, and I would have liked to have gotten ONE wedding set and wear it for the rest of my life. After I got my original setting, I wound up not liking it. It drove me crazy. (Nothing to do with comparing it to others, BTW) At first I could not figure out why, which then made it almost impossible for me to find "the right thing" while engaged, because I was so scared of making another mistake. I was clueless. So in the end I got a refund on the original setting and went with the most inexpensive thing since I still didn't find what I wanted, and to make a long-story short I am here on PS to try to solve the original problem, and finally get the right one, and be satisfied with it. I am not one who plans to or wants to change my ring every so often. I really want to get the right one and be DONE!

Also, I will say that in the real world, most of the people I know just get that one set and stick with it. The people I know who do change either did get an upgrade, like you said, years later when they had more money or for a special anniversary, or in some cases women sort of 'downgrade' to just wearing another ring because their fingers swell and they can't wear their wedding set. So, PS is definitely an anomaly. Hopefully your girlfriend will realize this, and not get her expectations unrealistically high. If I tried to "keep up with the Joneses" here on PS, yikes! My DH would probably have to cut our internet connection!

Incidentally, also for me, I have stuck with the original stone my husband gave me when we got engaged; just changed settings. Your girlfriend should definitely not be trying to 'compete' with folks here on PS. Hope that helps.

 

[mrssalvo]

I''ll only upgrade one time. Hubby proposed with a one carat stone almost 6 years ago. I found Pricescope searching for a new setting and through the process learned that my stone was chipped and needed replacing. We decided to go ahead and cash out so I could upgrade. He and I both hope I will choose exactly what and want and be happy with it for a loooooooooog time. there are several who have upgraded a few times and planned it that way to cut down on the cost of a big jump. There are also a bunch of gals that say they will never upgrade the stone their SO''s proposed with. This place is great and has a ton of gorgeous rings but I think your gal will be happy and grateful for what you choose for her. Just be open to the idea of possibly upgrading sometime down the road if that''s what she wants and finances allow.

 

[marvel]

My first thought is that you cannot go into debt for a diamond. If a 1ct is in your budget, that''s great and a very respectable size. If you have the budget to increase the size for her, then that''s between you and her. But, don''t over extend yourself. If your g/f is reasonable, I think that agreeing to upgrade at the 5 yr mark is a fair compramise for both of you. Good luck!!!

 

[hlmr]

When does it end?

Well, I guess it depends on how bad you've got it!! DSS has no known cure unfortunately but rest assured that it is rampant amongst some of us PS women, who LOVE diamonds and big ones at that!

I realize this site does not help your situation and I am sure many a man has wished his gf never stumbled upon PS.

My advice is to take the good from this site and learn everything you can before making your purchase. Your gf will have to be realistic about what you can spend right now and perhaps look towards upgrading in the future. Make sure you purchase from a vendor who will allow upgrades and make cut your first priority.

There will always be someone who has a bigger, better diamond than you do so there is no point realistically, in constantly making comparisons. I wore a .46 stone until I was married for 11 years before upgrading. Some people upgrade before they even get married. It is very individual and it is something that you need to discuss together. Some ladies will sacrifice in other areas (such as driving older vehicles) to upgrade diamonds, so it is very difficult to make comparisons.

Good luck to you!

 

[Mara]

yikes i really feel for you reading your post steve because PS can be HORRIBLE for a man shopping around, esp if his GF is looking at the site and getting size envy!

honestly as much as i love PS and diamonds, sometimes i really curse finding it and becoming so addicted to all things sparkly. it''s one of my only REAL hobbies aka doing what i enjoy is not just owning diamonds but reading and learning about them. but it is a surely expensive hobby.

it''s SO easy to compare yourself to others on here, especially if you have been bitten by DSS or the size monger. my diamond practically shrunk before i even got engaged! and the more PS grows, the more people we get on here with huge diamonds and the more you drool.

however, i will say that after my last upgrade i really feel like this is a big stone. finally i feel like my stone is ''large'' and it feels like ME. does it mean i won''t want a larger one? NO. but i feel like i can at least be content with this for now...and we''ll see about ~5 years from now...i also realize from trying on larger stones that i can''t wear really huge huge stones. i''d feel too weird. so i kind of have a mental cutoff in my mind now. it''s smaller than it used to be for sure.

but when does it end? well for the truly obsessed, NEVER most likely. i think you need to have a discussion about reality with your girlfriend. it''s one thing for her to want a 2c but if you are getting her a 1c and that is what you can afford, then she needs to be okay with that, after all it''s about you and not the diamond in reality. you should also discuss upgrades and what you feel is both appropriate, especially if you are sentimental. it''s great that the PS ladies hubbies are so understanding of our diamond craziness, but it shouldn''t consume you or throw a wrench in a good relationship. good luck!

 

[Diam100]

Well Mara beat me to the post... (lol).

Gulp... I admit I'm one of the one's that upgraded after only a few years of marriage. As other's have said I think you need to talk finances with your girlfriend. One persons budget can be dramatically different from anothers just do to pure economics. It's a fact of life budgets are different but priorities such as buying a home, retirement etc. should take precedence.

If you feel your girlfriend maybe getting bitten by the upgrade bug than consider working with a vendor that has an upgrade policy. Some people have done quite well with that and this maybe an option you may want to leave open should you both consider to change the stone one day.

Now to answer your question.. does it ever stop... Nah... I'm completely thrilled with my upgrade but that just mean's I'm now moving on to a RHR & other baubles.

 

[ladykemma]

no trading in or up for me. i still wear my quarter carat engagement ring. We picked it out together. my hubby bought us a house instead.

when I hit 40 and we had mad money I went and bought myself a 1.25 carat rock and then a 1 carat wrap to go around it.

ask yourself:
do you have student debt?
are you in a house already? or do you have the down payment ready?
any other debt or obligation?
is your employment stable?

if it were me, i would involve her in every aspect of this so there is no setup for resentment, up to and including establishing the budget, and picking out the setting and the stone together. I definitely would not take the surprise route. this should prevent any problems down the road. Oh, and don't believe that hog wash about two months salary.

 

[ladykemma]

Date: 5/19/2006 8:45:31 PM
Author: portoar
Sorry to be so blunt about this, but I think your gf needs to get her priorities sorted out here. Sure, some people here get whopping big diamonds, and some of them are in really bad taste, too.

She should be happy with what you can afford. If you can afford a 1 carat diamond, that''s more than a lot of other people on this board can afford. I suggest you need to head off this diamond envy . . . maybe next time she mentions somebody''s upgrade, you can say politely but firmly, ''I believe that upgrades should be reserved for important anniversaries,'' and ''it''s nice that some people can afford such a large diamond, but I will get you the most beautiful diamond I can within our budget.''

If she''s going to be unhappy with you getting the best you can afford, I have to wonder . . . I guess my best suggestion is to give her the total budget and work with her on choosing the diamond and the setting. Maybe if the size is important to her she''s willing to sacrifice on color and clarity (as so many others in the 2 carat range have done) for size; maybe she''d be happy to have a simple, inexpensive setting (e.g. white gold solitaire setting instead of fancy platinum) to nudge more of the budget towards the diamond.

And, if you think you''re going to be uncomfortable dropping $15-20 on a big diamond down the road, best she knows it now.

I''ve looked at some of the gems and jewelry that people on this board are buying, and it''s worth reminding her that a lot of these people make serious money in order to be able to afford what they are buying, and some are 20+ years into their marriages and lived for years with very inexpensive rings.

She needs some perspective. Good luck.

yeah tell her to look closely at the age spots and wrinkly hands on a lot of us. I''m serious.

 

[tawn]

I have a 1.11 ct center stone after 11yrs of marriage....but it''s set in a halo so it looks pretty substantial on my long ET fingers. It''s bigger than most of my friend''s rings, although they''re not PS girls! One carat for engagement without going into debt is very respectable, and I think significantly bigger than most women receive! Especially when you consider that most people generally have big expenditures within the first few years of getting married, like the wedding, house and furnishings, etc...

I''ve known girls that have insisted on a certain size before they would think of marrying someone...but that''s totally not what marriage is about. I got married without an official engagement ring so we could use the money we had saved to buy a house. There wasn''t even a question about it...house came first! I''m happy to have a nice ring now, but am also glad that we paid cash and the amount we spent made no impact on our lifestyle and didn''t put a dent in our bank acct...I could have spent double and my husband would probably wouldn''t have said too much about it, but other things are more important to me! If people can afford to upgrade often and it makes them happy, then they should be able to...and enjoy it guiltfree! Buit, you shouldn''t go into debt because you''re scared she''ll be upset!

Your priorities sound right on track to me! Hopefully your girlfriend will be on board with you!

 

[Diam100]

Date: 5/19/2006 9:52:58 PM
Author: ladykemma

Date: 5/19/2006 8:45:31 PM
Author: portoar
I''ve looked at some of the gems and jewelry that people on this board are buying, and it''s worth reminding her that a lot of these people make serious money in order to be able to afford what they are buying, and some are 20+ years into their marriages and lived for years with very inexpensive rings.

She needs some perspective. Good luck.

yeah tell her to look closely at the age spots and wrinkly hands on a lot of us. I''m serious.

Hmmmmm LadyKemma I think you just may have given the Diamond Upgrade Mania another good excuse. I can seriously see myself telling my husband 20 years from now... "Honey I need a 5ct Round to cover that itty bitty Age Spot on my ring finger... see it...look hun"

 

[ladykemma]

oh i forgot. settings do wear out and look cr*p after about 5- 10 years. they also go out of style.

a change of setting is realistic and to be expected. also with age and pregnancy, fingers swell and ring size changes.

so in about 5- 10 years she will need a fresh setting.

i have had to have my plain tiffany setting changed three times in ten years from wear from fabric and sewing, I think.

 

[monarch64]

I swear sometimes I think that finding PS has been a curse for me! Fortunately for my DH, I didn''t find it until last summer, and we had already been married for 2 years. But even if I had found it before then, I was always of the mind that while I would''ve loved to have had a humongous ring, I knew it wasn''t realistic. I just remember telling him before we got engaged and he asked a few questions about what I''d like, that I wanted a RB for sure, and that he should keep in mind that I''m 5''10" tall and a smaller stone would look silly on me!

He did give me a 1.5c RB set in a plain platinum band...and I was beyond thrilled with it. Now, I am still a typical female in that I wouldn''t have turned up my nose at 2+ carats either, BUT I have never let on to him that sometimes I daydream about an upgrade. He knows me well enough that I don''t have to express that to him, and he is well aware of all the time I spend here on PS getting to see all the gorgeous rocks larger than mine. So I figure if he surprised me once with a stone larger than my expectations, someday he''ll probably surprise me with an upgrade when he''s in a position financially to do so. Here''s hoping, lol!

Your girlfriend is probably just going through a little size envy issue right now, just from seeing the far out world of PS. I''m willing to bet she will be so ecstatic at getting engaged, having a ring on her finger, and planning a wedding and marriage, that she''ll be quite satisfied with whatever size stone you give her. I get a little envious at times when I see huge stones either here or in reality, but then I remember that just because someone else has a larger stone than mine, it doesn''t mean my husband loves me any less and the happiness he''s brought into my life is worth more to me than any size diamond!

She''ll remember that too, have some faith in her!

 

[aljdewey]

Steve, it''s too bad you hadn''t been here a while ago. There were a few threads here about "how much is combined household income" and "what size/area is your house" that might help shed some insight into WHO is doing all the upgrading!

Most of the respondents made far in excess of an average income, and most lived in far more than average homes. As such, it''s not surprising that many of them may have the financial ability to upgrade with regularity. They have a good deal of disposable income and have already secured their future with housing.

Maybe it would be helpful to point out to your GF that your position (jointly, as a couple) isn''t the same. Make sure you two are on the same page about this now, because it will be a bone of contention later if you aren''t.

Having said all that.........even those with the financial means to upgrade don''t always covet an upgrade. My stone is a 1.25......relatively middle-of-the-road by PS standards. I love it, and I don''t want to change it. I love seeing others get big rocks....heck, I even traveled to Houston with Mara to live vicariously through HER latest upgrade.....but it''s not for me. I could swing it if I wanted to, but I just feel really attached to my stone and happy with what I have.

As mentioned, too.....PS *isn''t real life*! It''s a bunch of diamond freaks. Here, my ring is average. In real life.....my ring is always at the upper end of what I see. Similarly, on a forum of stereo nuts, you''d find folks with 10-20K stereo systems, but that''s not representative of what everyday, casual listener folks own for stereo equipment.

That''s really the key - finding something that''s a REASONABLE balance between what she''d really like, what you can comfortably afford, and what you both can feel good about. If you can''t agree on a comfortable middle ground, that''s likely a red flag you should give more thought what expectations/goals both of you have and how well those mesh.

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 5/19/2006 11:09:37 PM
Author: aljdewey
Steve, it''s too bad you hadn''t been here a while ago. There were a few threads here about ''how much is combined household income'' and ''what size/area is your house'' that might help shed some insight into WHO is doing all the upgrading!

Most of the respondents made far in excess of an average income, and most lived in far more than average homes. As such, it''s not surprising that many of them may have the financial ability to upgrade with regularity. They have a good deal of disposable income and have already secured their future with housing.

Maybe it would be helpful to point out to your GF that your position (jointly, as a couple) isn''t the same. Make sure you two are on the same page about this now, because it will be a bone of contention later if you aren''t.

Having said all that.........even those with the financial means to upgrade don''t always covet an upgrade. My stone is a 1.25......relatively middle-of-the-road by PS standards. I love it, and I don''t want to change it. I love seeing others get big rocks....heck, I even traveled to Houston with Mara to live vicariously through HER latest upgrade.....but it''s not for me. I could swing it if I wanted to, but I just feel really attached to my stone and happy with what I have.

As mentioned, too.....PS *isn''t real life*! It''s a bunch of diamond freaks. Here, my ring is average. In real life.....my ring is always at the upper end of what I see. Similarly, on a forum of stereo nuts, you''d find folks with 10-20K stereo systems, but that''s not representative of what everyday, casual listener folks own for stereo equipment.

That''s really the key - finding something that''s a REASONABLE balance between what she''d really like, what you can comfortably afford, and what you both can feel good about. If you can''t agree on a comfortable middle ground, that''s likely a red flag you should give more thought what expectations/goals both of you have and how well those mesh.

Great post Al. I totally agree. What you see on here isn''t the norm. Also I got my upgrade after 15 years of marriage. I''d have a talk with your girlfriend and go over what is a reasonable budget. I am assuming you guys are young and have so much ahead of you. Like buying a house, paying off school debts etc... Good luck, I''m sure she will be thrilled with the ring you give her but better to be clear about finances and such before hand.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Like some here have expressed, I think part of my confusion in deciding what I want for our anniversary upgrade has to do with the conlict between what is normal in my local world versus my PS world!

I have had a 1 ct. stone for 29 years. It is still one of the larger stones of people I know. I am a teacher and have worked in buildings filled with women over the years. I am quite certain that the average diamond e-ring is under 1 ct. Here, of course, we see 2 ct. stones often, but I''d bet the average stone represented on this site is much less than that...probably a carat for first time e-rings.

For our anniversary, my husband is getting me a new set of rings. I have tried a 1.6 ct. and an almost 1.5. But you know what? I felt like those were so much bigger than most of those around me, that I''d feel more comfortable staying in the 1.3-1.4 range. I plan to get a great diamond that I''ll keep the rest of my life and leave to my children. I do not plan to upgrade again.

There obviously are a few regulars on here who have done multiple upgrades, but I don''t think it is the norm for young couples as many have pointed out. I know we went on to marry, buy a house, and have children. I didn''t even think about a new set of rings during those years!

 

[Gypsy]

Date: 5/19/2006 8:45:31 PM
Author: portoar
Sorry to be so blunt about this, but I think your gf needs to get her priorities sorted out here. Sure, some people here get whopping big diamonds, and some of them are in really bad taste, too.

She should be happy with what you can afford. If you can afford a 1 carat diamond, that's more than a lot of other people on this board can afford. I suggest you need to head off this diamond envy . . . maybe next time she mentions somebody's upgrade, you can say politely but firmly, 'I believe that upgrades should be reserved for important anniversaries,' and 'it's nice that some people can afford such a large diamond, but I will get you the most beautiful diamond I can within our budget.'

If she's going to be unhappy with you getting the best you can afford, I have to wonder . . . I guess my best suggestion is to give her the total budget and work with her on choosing the diamond and the setting. Maybe if the size is important to her she's willing to sacrifice on color and clarity (as so many others in the 2 carat range have done) for size; maybe she'd be happy to have a simple, inexpensive setting (e.g. white gold solitaire setting instead of fancy platinum) to nudge more of the budget towards the diamond.

And, if you think you're going to be uncomfortable dropping $15-20 on a big diamond down the road, best she knows it now.

I've looked at some of the gems and jewelry that people on this board are buying, and it's worth reminding her that a lot of these people make serious money in order to be able to afford what they are buying, and some are 20+ years into their marriages and lived for years with very inexpensive rings.

She needs some perspective. Good luck.

I agree A THOUSAND PERCENT with the highlighted portions of this post. You and your GF need to TALK DIRECTLY ABOUT THIS... no passive aggressive comments, no hinting, no subtle references. LAY IT OUT FULLY. NOW. That's the ONLY WAY TO MAKE SURE that this will be a happy experience. There is no other way.

BTW... I am getting new setting and we aren't married yet. BUT we have been engaged for 7 years and living together for that time. AND my fiance purposely bought me (with my blessing) the cheapest setting we could find to spend $$ on the diamond. And our income... even just mine alone... is much higher than 'normal' incomes.... But this will be my only change to this set. Once I've changed the setting. It's done.

And if I get the hankering for something bigger down the line? I'll buy it. As a right hand, or 'evening' ring. But my wedding set, once finalized won't change. PS isn't real life.... well, if your in LA or parts of TX it might be... but for the rest of us... it's really not. And your lady, she needs to understand that.

(I just don't happen to think that 'good taste' or 'bad taste' are objective measurements. Obviously the owners thought they were in 'good taste' so for me, they must be.)

 

[KristyDarling]

Welcome Steve! Sorry to hear you feel that you''re in a dilemma with the ring situation. But frankly, if your girlfriend is going to be "mad" that you can''t afford something bigger than a 1 carat ring without going into serious debt, then perhaps you two should have a serious talk. If she''s truly in this relationship for the right reasons, she should be thrilled about the engagement, period....regardless of the size of the diamond. Of course, that doesn''t mean you should skimp on the diamond, which it doesn''t sound like you''re planning to do. A 1 carat diamond is a sizable rock and no one can dispute that. So, that''s my first concern -- whether she truly would be upset over not having a 2 carat diamond, fully knowing that you have to stick to a budget.

When does the obsession with upgrading end? Well, 90% of the population probably NEVER upgrades (not a real statistic, just my guess). I think you''ll find many people from the remaining 10% here on PS. Hehe. PS regulars border on obsession with regard to diamonds and jewelry....myself included. So if your GF falls into that 10%-ile, then her *desire* to upgrade will probably always be there. However, if you''re a cohesive couple and you share the same values and priorities, then the frequency/magnitude of upgrades should be something you can agree on. As for sentimentality of the original e-ring, women are very different in how they view that. Some view their original e-ring as the embodiment of their wedding vows and will want to keep it always, and if they want an upgrade, they might buy a "second e-ring" later when resources allow (as in my case). Others will re-set the diamond from their original ring and give it a little style update as trends change through the years (halo, sidestones, new metal, etc) -- this is an option that you and your GF could consider since you''ve indicated sentimentality for the original ring. Still others will have no qualms trading in or selling their original e-ring/diamond for something bigger/of higher quality. For me personally, with my recent "second" e-ring it''s going to be years before my next diamond ring. Maybe I''ll dare hope for a kicken asscher or EC ring for my 40th birthday, hehe. The main thing is that my DH and I totally agree on what''s appropriate and fiscally prudent with regard to diamonds. He doesn''t understand my diamond obsession but he wants me to be happy. I''m thankful for that and I agree with him that we should enjoy luxuries like diamonds, vacations, nice cars, etc ONLY if we''ve got the extra cash AND can still comfortably sock money away for the future.

Obviously, every couple is different, so I think the most important thing is for you and your GF to sit down and have a heart-to-heart about the whole thing: her expectations for her e-ring, expectations about future upgrades, etc. You really need to be explicit and make sure that you''re on the same page. The pre-engagement period is a happy and exciting time, and it''s also the perfect time to have talks like this, to avoid future blow-ups and misunderstandings. Best of luck!

 

[Siamese Kitty]

Stevebudha-

I don''t post often, but had to respond and say that I don''t think the issue here is with the ladies on this site and upgrading, but with your girlfriend''s expectations. She is perhaps a true diamond lover, which we pretty much all are here, but the moment you expressed what you could and couldn''t afford, there really shouldn''t have been any question past that. Not to mention that 1 carat is a great size!
It''s ironic, and I feel somewhat hypocritical, but I think I used to be one of those girls obsessed with the big ring (hey-maybe that''s why I''m not engaged!-LOL). Coming to PS has actually made me rethink a lot of my own priorities. Like a lot of the others have said, there is NO ONE on this site that would encourage someone to go into excessive debt for a ring. And that''s really smart. I also want to add that although many ladies on this site do have amazing rings, they do not create a competitive environment and are nothing but genuinely supportive and happy for others receiving rings of any size. Half of these ladies even laugh about *not* being able to afford something. It''s too bad your SO didn''t take this away from this site.
However, all you can do is have an honest talk. I''m sure everything will be fine-best of luck-
Lisa

 

[Lorelei]

Steve welcome to PS

Your GF might be as addicted as the rest of us

but PS isn't the real world and many of us who have the larger diamonds had to wait many years for them as when we got engaged we were lucky to even be able to afford ANY ring with the expenses of setting up home, wedding bills etc etc. Patience is the key here, I had to stick with it and compromise on other things to get what I have now as our income increased. You have had some great advice here from the other ladies, maybe you can find a way to compromise in the future regarding an upgrade for your Wife as she will be then, but at the moment I am sure that whatever ring you get her she will be thrilled with as it comes from you. For many of us our diamonds have grown as our incomes have - plus our Hubbies have had their treats too!

Does it ever stop???? Depends, for me I think yes as I have found " the one my soul loves..."but I am keeping my options open! Seriously I am very happy and grateful with what I have and so appreciative of my Hubby who knows what this madness means to me!

 

[blodthecat]

Hi Steve!

I have upgraded a couple of times and now have the ring of my dreams. I have a 1.15ct diamond in a plat setting.

My DH asked me the very same question though "when will you be satisfied?" That really was a wake up call for me. It made me realise that i could never appreciate what i have, if i am always looking at what others have. So I am definitely on my last upgrade.

These days I just come on PS to admire other people''s purchases. I can be happy for others without the envy monster getting to me.

BTW a 1ct diamond is a fantastic size!!!

 

[widget]

Hi Steve....

Hee hee...I wonder if there are lots of LIWs out there reading your post and wondering if you are THEIR Significant Other! I bet there are quite a few PS BFs that share your concerns!

I agree with what almost everyone has said before: PS is NOT the real world, a one-carat diamond is BIG by 'real world' standards, and ....if your girl is normal.... actually becoming engaged will be far more thrilling than any sparkly acoutrement that comes with it.

That said, this might be a case where it would be a good idea if she is fully involved in the research, the hunt for the "perfect" stone, and the decision of how to mount it.

For the diamond obsessed, I think the hunt is almost as thrilling as the actual acquisition...and might help imbue the chosen ring with even more sentimental value since you worked so hard together to find it.

Just some thoughts...
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[fire&ice]

Date: 5/19/2006 8:30:06 PM
Author:stevebudha
My girlfriend seems to be completely enamored with diamonds in the 2 carat range, something I know I cannot afford now, nor do I know if I ever want to spend that much money on a diamond.

You had my sympathies until your last statement. It''s not going to be "if *I* want to spend that much. It''s going to be if *WE* want to spend that much.

I''m not advocating going into debt. I''m not advocating spending the down payment money. I do not know your financial situation. But, she would like for you to be as generous as you can. The diamond is important to *HER*.

Also, you can maximize/massage your parameters to get the size quotient.

...just another perspective.

 

[stevebudha]

I decided to take all your advice and have the big talk with her last night. Unfortunately it did not go over as well as I would have liked. I told her what my budget is and what I feel comfortable spending. My original budget was $3,000, which I told her, and I doubled that once I learned the difference between 1 carat and 1 carat total weight (and I have to dip into my savings to do this). I really had no idea how much diamonds cost before we started looking and did experience some sticker shock once we got out to the stores. I explained all this to her and said as much as I would love to get her a bigger ring, it isn't in the works right now, and that I do not want to start our marriage in a lot of debt. We don't have a house yet, I still have some student loans to pay off, and we both want to get new cars. I think I can get an awesome ring for $6,000 and thought once I explained that to her she would be happy.

I could tell by the look in her eyes once I told her the magic dollar amount that she was very disappointed. I asked if she had a particular diamond or type of ring in mind. After at first not wanting to tell me, she admitted that she was hoping for a diamond at least 1.5ct along with a platinum and diamond setting, so the rings she was looking at were more like $18,000 - $20,000. She is also self admittedly very color sensitive and doesn't want a color lower than G and is into this whole mind clean idea with clarity and wants to stay in the VS range; the diamonds in her wish list were all around $15,000. She likes expensive settings and right now she is on the Michael B 3 sided pave kick, but that changes daily too.

I have to admit I was a little surprised and taken back when she told me she was hoping for a $20,000 ring. I have a good steady job but do not receive comission or quarterly bonuses. We will have a comfortable living on my salary alone and in fact, she will probably make more money than me when she is done with law school next year. She does have a tendency to compare herself to others around her and has become a bit obsessed when it comes to this whole engagement ring issue. She freely walks up to classmates and friends and acts the details of their rings. It does seem the vast majority of her friends and classmates are getting rings with diamonds more than 1 carat (according to her anyway) and I am a little dumbfounded that the boyfriends don't mind dropping that much cash on a ring. I want to make my girlfriend happy with a ring she'll love but I don't want to break the bank to do this either. How can I get her to understand that?

My girlfriend's parents are giving us a nice sum of money toward our wedding. She asked if instead of using that money toward the wedding, if we can use some of it toward her ring. I said I didn't want to do that as I feel the ring should be my responsibility financially and unfortunately this led to an argument.

I suggested that now since she knows the budget, she can look around and give me some suggestions. I want to be involved in this too, as I don't want to have her do all the work and just have me hand over my credit card. I said she can get a really nice higher color 1 carat stone for my budget, or she can get a smaller diamond and a fancier setting. Not sure if this was the best way to handle it, but I am leaving the ball in her court.

Was there a way I could have handled this better? I am afraid she more she is here, the more she is going to become upset. I have a feeling whatever I get is going to disappoint her.

 

[stevebudha]

Date: 5/20/2006 9:37:24 AM
Author: fire&ice

Date: 5/19/2006 8:30:06 PM
Author:stevebudha
My girlfriend seems to be completely enamored with diamonds in the 2 carat range, something I know I cannot afford now, nor do I know if I ever want to spend that much money on a diamond.

You had my sympathies until your last statement. It's not going to be 'if *I* want to spend that much. It's going to be if *WE* want to spend that much.

I'm not advocating going into debt. I'm not advocating spending the down payment money. I do not know your financial situation. But, she would like for you to be as generous as you can. The diamond is important to *HER*.

Also, you can maximize/massage your parameters to get the size quotient.

...just another perspective.

I should clairfy that statement. If sometime in the distant future, we have a nice nest egg set up, and money for our kids' college tuition set aside, then maybe I wouldn't mind US (as you put it) spending the money on a bigger diamond. I can't say though that I feel comfortable spending a lot of money on something like that in the near future. I would rather put that kind of money toward a bigger house or a vacation or things like that. If 20 years from now (and I am arbitrarily saying that number) things are good then maybe a bigger ring will be in the works. I don't think I should have to apologize for not knowing even if we do have a lot of cash laying around that I would want to spend a lot of money on jewelry. It's not a matter of me not wanting her to be happy. I want her to be happy but I think it is unrealistic for her to think she needs a $20,000 ring in order for her to be happy.

 

[widget]

Well, you can certainly disregard my rather rosy and optimistic recent contribution to this thread.

Just my opinion, but I don''t think you should worry about "if you could have handled it better". If I were you, I''d worry about her priority problems!

Hmmph.
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[Lorelei]

Yikes....this is difficult obviously but there is a big difference between what you WANT and what you can realistically HAVE. If she won't drop the colour or the clarity to get the bigger size she wants or compromise on the setting it doesn't leave you much room - if any - to manoever. I can understand that the ring is so important to her, but the reality is that many of us when we first get engaged are just happy to have a ring and that the " dream rings" we want may have to be just that for many years and sorry to be blunt she might just have to accept that. There are other things which are far more important than a ring when you begin your new lives together as you know. I don't know what the solution is...maybe if you could agree to an upgrade to the 1.5 she wants on your 5th anniversary perhaps and buy the diamond from a vendor who has a trade up policy so you can use it to get a larger one. I hope you can find a way to resolve this, it would be a shame for your engagement to be clouded with this ring issue - rings are great but they are a symbol of the promise and commitment of wanting to spend your lives together. I would have gone nuts if my Husband had proposed with a 1 carat rock, my first e-ring was only around 15 points and I still treasure it, a carat is a great size and nothing to be sneezed at! Maybe when she starts looking around at diamonds and settings she will realise how expensive they are and either adjust her parameters a bit to go larger or then know that what she would really like is out of reach at the moment.I wish you luck!

 

[KristyDarling]

Steve, Steve, Steve -

You sound like a very nice, extremely reasonable and mature guy. And it sounds to me your priorities are in line. Forgive me if I sound too harsh, but your girlfriend has serious issues.

Big huge glaring red flags here. I can understand her wanting a big ole diamond, especially when her girlfriends have them, but EVEN AFTER having the conversation with her, she''d still rather have the two of you to start off your marriage in debt so she can have her 20K ring?? Even worse -- she wants you to take HER PARENTS'' money intended for the wedding and essentially "funnel the funds" (read: PILFER) it towards her engagement ring??? OK, I can understand if she''s willing to pitch in her own savings towards the ring....but taking from her parents?? Ugh, there are no words.

This does not bode well for the future. Sorry if ithat sounds dramatic but this is emblematic of how you two may be at odds over other financial decisions as well. As I''m sure you know, many a marriage has been unraveled by this very issue. Two people in a marriage REALLY need to agree (at least most of the time) on how they''re going to handle their money. But most importantly, if she cares more about having a sumptuous ring that''s way beyond either of your means than the most important thing -- BEING MARRIED TO YOU, then I''d take a few steps backward if I were you. Really soul-search and think about what this says about her as a person. Having similar values is, hands down, the most important part of a good marriage. It sounds to me that you love her a lot, so perhaps another talk is in order. (maybe give her a little time to absorb your last talk and mull things over....you never know, maybe she''ll come around) But I''ll be honest and say that there''s an unpleasant taste in my mouth leftover from your last talk. Let us know how things go. Good luck!