In-Laws (Part III)

[Harriet]

Date: 8/4/2008 11:42:54 PM
Author: Linda W
You slept in the closet???? OMG Harriet, you poor little thing. Come to California and I will take care of you and your DH after your honeymoon!!!!!

You need to rest and relax and not think of anything else but your upcoming wedding.

No, I haven''t read that book. No reason for me to. We don''t speak to his mother or her husband. We speak to DH''s father, he is a wonderful man and I love him to pieces. DH''s mother lives back east, so she isn''t out here very often. When she is, we don''t see her anyway. She is a vile and nasty woman. She doesn''t like any of her children''s spouses, so naturally she is alienated from her family.

If your In-laws keep their garbage up, they may be facing the same thing.

I wish I could be your MIL. Hey!!! I do have a brother, want to be my sister in law??? tee hee.

Yes.

I just may take you up on your offer! Indeed, they may. Haha.

 

[Cleo]

Harriet, I apologise for coming to this thread late - but I just wanted to send you my love & lots of *hugs* for what you are going through.

I have a similar set of fulture in-laws myself, regrettably. They have never accepted me, and no matter how hard I have tried to be a shining example of a model daughter-in-law-to-be nothing will change their deeply held opinions of me.

In short, they hate me (and I do not use the word ''hate'' lightly).

I feel your pain here - particularly so close to your special day. I know how hard it is not to ''let'' people like this hurt us. Even though we don''t want to care about them, their approval, their opinions and their comments, and we tell ourselves we don''t care & they don''t matter... it still hurts.

After years of trying, I no longer speak to my future in-laws... and my FF has also cut them out of his own life, entirely through his own choice. We are all happier this way... which is very sad, but that''s how it is.

Please, try not to even think of them on your wedding day. It is a day just for you, and your fiance, and is the start of a beautiful future together... and nothing should spoil that for you.

Sending you loads of positivity and ''ignoring the in-laws'' energy... and wishing you all the best for a beautiful and unforgettable wedding day.

*hugs*

All my love,

Cleo
x x x

 

[Linda W]

You are welcome here any time Harriet.

And you don''t have to sleep in my closet either, tee hee.

 

[Harriet]

Date: 8/4/2008 11:56:04 PM
Author: Miranda
It was tasty! A little mocha number he picked up at a bakery near his office. Did you pick a wedding cake? You MUST have cake after your little big day!

Let''s purchase one way tickets for the inlaws!

By mozzy bites do you mean mozquitoes? If so, I am so sorry! Those are terrible. Another thing we have in common. My IL''s are overrun with mozquitoes! Every time we go there we are eaten alive. Keep in mind they live in inland Southern California. No place near any bodies of water. Why the mozquitoes? Because his dad obsessively waters his lawn until there are puddles of water everywhere! He is NUTS! Total OCD! Have you tried cortisone for the itching? Do they get offended about the bites? My IL''s do. They get furious when we break out the insect repellent.

They would rather see their grandchildren infected by the West Nile Virus than admit there is a problem...OK, I am on a total rant now...The pests set me off Harriet!

You poor thing! You should not be sleeping in your closet a few days before your wedding! Hugs girlfriend!

How sweet of him! Not yet, since the reception has been postponed.

Any other ideas besides the tundra?

Yup. Collateral damage. You FIL does sound nuts. There''s no more itching, but I need the scabs to go away. What?! You can''t use repellant? Sheesh.

Hugs back.

 

[diamondfan]

Harriet, their family is open as long as say what they want to hear! Going forward, I would say simple is better. Make your point simply and clearly and drop it. Do not get pushed into loads of explanations.

You can come sleep in my closet, it is pretty large and filled with fun stuff! (jk, I do have a guestroom!)

I hope you can just focus on you guys for the next bit of time. And I hope that you guys come to a good place and do not have to X them totally, as even though that is an option it still causes pain...over the why's and guilt. I do not think things sound ultra promising given their behavior to date, but maybe not being invited will shock them into sense...hopefully it will, rather than be one more thing on the list to be offended and pissed about. I wish you luck with it.

ETA: Who is willing to start a service to charter off terrible in laws to some island somewhere? Like Survivor: In Law Island from Hell.

 

[Harriet]

Date: 8/5/2008 12:09:51 AM
Author: diamondfan
I too hope your life is filled with love and happiness! And I am glad they are not coming for your sake, but hubby MAY feel bad about it at a later date so be prepared (MY parents were not welcomed at our wedding because you dislike them). I am not saying this will happen but history has a way of being rewritten where family drama is concerned. I can hear them ladling it on thick, Oh, my son, we STILL are so bereft that we were EXCLUDED from your wedding. (Do you see the direction here? You again will be the bad guy, vilified for what choices are made whenever there is a conflict. I do not profess to have answers, your in laws to be may just be horrific people and you have my sympathies, but you still will be married to their son and they will be around until they are not here anymore.

Lisa is an exceptional woman, and she was luckily able to come to a good place with her mother in law, she took no crap but her mother in law respected her. It happens but I think it is rare, mostly they resent you and no matter what you do or say they continue their BS. I told my FIL OFF big time, he was so shocked because literally NO ONE ever stood up to him. Now, it did not make him treat me better but he knew he would get it if he stepped out of line. I have done the same with MIL. Like Miranda, my mother in law KNOWS without doubt that I will remove the kid gloves if she makes a move, I have to treat her like a totally disobedient child to have any measure of sanity when she is around. She loves to rattle cages and see what reactions she gets. I simply give her the fish eye and tell her COOL IT. My middle son really dislikes her because she is totally off the wall with him. If she is out of line this coming visit (ten days starting August 20th) I will tell her she had better watch out as her grandson is starting to dislike her and it is HER FAULT.

Harriet, I am very concerned for you and your fiance. You have won the battle (i.e. them not coming to the wedding) but these stances can backfire and you can lose the war in the long run. They ARE his parents. He will, no matter what, expect to have them to visit. Now, they should not stay with you if you have no room, and heck, even if you do, you should not host people who go out of their way to be unkind or make trouble. Versailles is not big enough to host guests like that, a hotel is fine. But, you WILL have to find a way to make this work, because hubby will otherwise be in the middle and I can almost promise you he will be getting an earful from both sides and it will very tough on him, even if he tends to agree with you. It is a pretty untenable position to be in, even when it is so clear his parents are demanding and difficult people.

Thank you.

I know. Hopefully, it''ll help that FI himself is POed with them.

10 days? Good luck!

Yes. I''ll do my best (within reason) to protect FI from being caught in the middle.

 

[Harriet]

Date: 8/5/2008 12:13:09 AM
Author: Cleo
Harriet, I apologise for coming to this thread late - but I just wanted to send you my love & lots of *hugs* for what you are going through.

I have a similar set of fulture in-laws myself, regrettably. They have never accepted me, and no matter how hard I have tried to be a shining example of a model daughter-in-law-to-be nothing will change their deeply held opinions of me.

In short, they hate me (and I do not use the word ''hate'' lightly).

I feel your pain here - particularly so close to your special day. I know how hard it is not to ''let'' people like this hurt us. Even though we don''t want to care about them, their approval, their opinions and their comments, and we tell ourselves we don''t care & they don''t matter... it still hurts.

After years of trying, I no longer speak to my future in-laws... and my FF has also cut them out of his own life, entirely through his own choice. We are all happier this way... which is very sad, but that''s how it is.

Please, try not to even think of them on your wedding day. It is a day just for you, and your fiance, and is the start of a beautiful future together... and nothing should spoil that for you.

Sending you loads of positivity and ''ignoring the in-laws'' energy... and wishing you all the best for a beautiful and unforgettable wedding day.

*hugs*

All my love,

Cleo
x x x

Cleo,
No worries. Thank you for coming at all.

I''m so sorry that you''re in the same situation.
As far as I''m concerned, they can sod off for quite a while, especially on my big day.
My best wishes to you too.
Hugs right back!

 

[Harriet]

Date: 8/5/2008 12:14:05 AM
Author: Linda W
You are welcome here any time Harriet.

And you don''t have to sleep in my closet either, tee hee.

Can Precious Wecious come too?

 

[diamondfan]

Good girl!

I realized it was better for me to let her crap unfold with hubby so he was witness to it all, rather than always be the voice pointing it out. Sometimes of course I am the one to highlight it, but often, I just step back and the crap hits the fan.

If hubby is not willing to have little to no contact with them, you can just tell him YOU need a much decreased involvement. (Totally being out of a parents life is a tough road, and while of course it happens it is not a great option though sometimes it is needed).

Like at your wedding, I totally think no one should come who is not there with the best intentions, whoever they are. I also think it realistic to admit the feelings. I tell my hubby that I dislike his mom, and SHE knows it...she told my assistant that "I know Caroline hates me". Well, uh, yeah. Really? Of course I do. You can always tell him, Honey, I really have issues with them, but please feel free to go visit them and see them, I would never want to keep you from them" The minute you are not forcing the issue, (not that you are now just using it for example) it allows him to see things and decide for himself. It really can work beautifully.

Oh yeah, ten plus days, what a joy! Hubby is going to be very generous at the end of THIS trip...I can feel it already!

 

[Linda W]

Date: 8/5/2008 12:35:48 AM
Author: Harriet

Date: 8/5/2008 12:14:05 AM

Author: Linda W

You are welcome here any time Harriet.

And you don''t have to sleep in my closet either, tee hee.

Can Precious Wecious come too?

Oh sure, he can sleep in the tool shed

 

[Harriet]

Date: 8/5/2008 12:19:03 AM
Author: diamondfan
Harriet, their family is open as long as say what they want to hear! Going forward, I would say simple is better. Make your point simply and clearly and drop it. Do not get pushed into loads of explanations.

You can come sleep in my closet, it is pretty large and filled with fun stuff! (jk, I do have a guestroom!)

I hope you can just focus on you guys for the next bit of time. And I hope that you guys come to a good place and do not have to X them totally, as even though that is an option it still causes pain...over the why''s and guilt. I do not think things sound ultra promising given their behavior to date, but maybe not being invited will shock them into sense...hopefully it will, rather than be one more thing on the list to be offended and pissed about. I wish you luck with it.

ETA: Who is willing to start a service to charter off terrible in laws to some island somewhere? Like Survivor: In Law Island from Hell.

Grr. FMIL''s side prides itself on being open, to the extent that she told us that her sister''s hubby was knocking on doors for a job. And, of course, we were not to repeat it.

Thanks for the invitation. My time away with Green helped a lot. We went sailing and, naturally, jewellery shopping. We also sat on Adirondack chairs on a point sipping champagne. Ahh.

My expectations are low. If we end up on friendly terms, well and good. If not, c''est la vie.

I volunteer. Which island?

 

[Miranda]

Date: 8/5/2008 12:18:24 AM
Author: Harriet

Date: 8/4/2008 11:56:04 PM
Author: Miranda
It was tasty! A little mocha number he picked up at a bakery near his office. Did you pick a wedding cake? You MUST have cake after your little big day!

Let''s purchase one way tickets for the inlaws!

By mozzy bites do you mean mozquitoes? If so, I am so sorry! Those are terrible. Another thing we have in common. My IL''s are overrun with mozquitoes! Every time we go there we are eaten alive. Keep in mind they live in inland Southern California. No place near any bodies of water. Why the mozquitoes? Because his dad obsessively waters his lawn until there are puddles of water everywhere! He is NUTS! Total OCD! Have you tried cortisone for the itching? Do they get offended about the bites? My IL''s do. They get furious when we break out the insect repellent.

They would rather see their grandchildren infected by the West Nile Virus than admit there is a problem...OK, I am on a total rant now...The pests set me off Harriet!

You poor thing! You should not be sleeping in your closet a few days before your wedding! Hugs girlfriend!

How sweet of him! Not yet, since the reception has been postponed.

Any other ideas besides the tundra?

Yup. Collateral damage. You FIL does sound nuts. There''s no more itching, but I need the scabs to go away. What?! You can''t use repellant? Sheesh.

Hugs back.

The cake was sweet! So is my DH! You need a cake regardless of if there is a reception or not!

Well, I could send mine to DC to visit BIL. They are going for Sept and part of Oct. Lucky me...I get stuck with their dog that peed on DD''s bed, my precious kitty''s bed, and killed two of my plants because he won''t tinkle in the right place the last time he was here. OK, the peeing on the bushes can be forgiven. I''m just neurotic about dog pee in the yard and have my dog trained to *go* in the side yard. Their dog is not so trainable. If he does pee anyplace other than outside again he won''t be welcome at my house. I''m a complete animal lover, but, I draw the line when body fluids are involved!

FIL IS nuts. Everyone ignores it and acts as if OCD, paranoia, agoraphobia, klaustrophobia, etc. are normal behaviors. They are of the mind that you can''t teach an old dog new tricks so why bother trying to get him mentally well. He''s better when he''s away from his own house. He goes weeks without leaving home. He''s ok when he''s here because the house is airy and our lot backs up to a nature preserve. There''s lots of open space. But, when he''s at BIL''s house he goes bonkers. It is a tiny 2 bedroom townhome in DC with 2 adults and 2 kids living there. And the kids are a piece of work. I do not know why the ILs stay there. They have plenty of money. There''s no reason they couldn''t rent their own townhome for a month. Strange folks...I saw you mentioned the word rational earlier. I''m afraid it is not a word in many people''s vocabulary.

Are you using Neosporin for the sores?

 

[diamondfan]

Harriet, I think a trash dump island or one that was used for nuclear weapons testing might be good.

Did you tour the mansions (cottages?). I love kir royale or prosecco, sounds good about now!!!

 

[Harriet]

Date: 8/5/2008 12:36:46 AM
Author: diamondfan
Good girl!

I realized it was better for me to let her crap unfold with hubby so he was witness to it all, rather than always be the voice pointing it out. Sometimes of course I am the one to highlight it, but often, I just step back and the crap hits the fan.

If hubby is not willing to have little to no contact with them, you can just tell him YOU need a much decreased involvement. (Totally being out of a parents life is a tough road, and while of course it happens it is not a great option though sometimes it is needed).

Like at your wedding, I totally think no one should come who is not there with the best intentions, whoever they are. I also think it realistic to admit the feelings. I tell my hubby that I dislike his mom, and SHE knows it...she told my assistant that ''I know Caroline hates me''. Well, uh, yeah. Really? Of course I do. You can always tell him, Honey, I really have issues with them, but please feel free to go visit them and see them, I would never want to keep you from them'' The minute you are not forcing the issue, (not that you are now just using it for example) it allows him to see things and decide for himself. It really can work beautifully.

Oh yeah, ten plus days, what a joy! Hubby is going to be very generous at the end of THIS trip...I can feel it already!

Unfortunately, I have to point things out to FI. It''s taken me 7 years to partially uncover his blinkers with respect to his parents.

I agree with you that it will hurt him terribly to cut them off and I don''t want that to happen.

 

[Harriet]

Date: 8/5/2008 12:43:59 AM
Author: Miranda
The cake was sweet! So is my DH! You need a cake regardless of if there is a reception or not!

Well, I could send mine to DC to visit BIL. They are going for Sept and part of Oct. Lucky me...I get stuck with their dog that peed on DD''s bed, my precious kitty''s bed, and killed two of my plants because he won''t tinkle in the right place the last time he was here. OK, the peeing on the bushes can be forgiven. I''m just neurotic about dog pee in the yard and have my dog trained to *go* in the side yard. Their dog is not so trainable. If he does pee anyplace other than outside again he won''t be welcome at my house. I''m a complete animal lover, but, I draw the line when body fluids are involved!

FIL IS nuts. Everyone ignores it and acts as if OCD, paranoia, agoraphobia, klaustrophobia, etc. are normal behaviors. They are of the mind that you can''t teach an old dog new tricks so why bother trying to get him mentally well. He''s better when he''s away from his own house. He goes weeks without leaving home. He''s ok when he''s here because the house is airy and our lot backs up to a nature preserve. There''s lots of open space. But, when he''s at BIL''s house he goes bonkers. It is a tiny 2 bedroom townhome in DC with 2 adults and 2 kids living there. And the kids are a piece of work. I do not know why the ILs stay there. They have plenty of money. There''s no reason they couldn''t rent their own townhome for a month. Strange folks...I saw you mentioned the word rational earlier. I''m afraid it is not a word in many people''s vocabulary.

Are you using Neosporin for the sores?

Is their dog at least cute?

Are those the kids that cause trouble? If so, your ILs and your BIL''s family are perfect for each other.

Yes, I''m using Neosporin.

 

[Harriet]

Date: 8/5/2008 12:47:06 AM
Author: diamondfan
Harriet, I think a trash dump island or one that was used for nuclear weapons testing might be good.

Did you tour the mansions (cottages?). I love kir royale or prosecco, sounds good about now!!!

It would have to be an uninhabited island. Otherwise, it would be unfair to the existing residents.

We did the Breakers and the Elms. Drinks were at Castle Hill.

 

[AGBF]

Date: 8/2/2008 8:55:02 PM
Author: Harriet
Deb dear,

I got the joke this time! Be careful what you wish for. Here''s Part I: https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/future-in-laws-are-acting-up.89796/

Thank you for all your kind words. The feeling is mutual.

Are you in Greenwich for the summer? I''d love to meet you. I promise I''m not some weird stalker in real life.

Harriet,

I was rudely thrown offline by the computer system in our house (in Virginia). I have had no access for a few days. Even now my own computer does not work. I have not been able to read all of this thread yet, let alone read the older ones. I cannot wait to do that, however. I would love to meet you, too.

Hugs,
Deb

 

[diamondfan]

You would be surprised what your hubby knows and does not know...he is, I am sure, a smart guy. Just tread lightly, make your point and try not to be emotionally caught up. It makes it easier for them to hear and handle.

If you have been in his life this long and they can claim they do not really "know" you, I see them partly to blame. And I would just try to move forward, I would not go overboard in trying to make things work, that always backfired for me. I have my personal limits, I put up with it only because I had respect for my hubby and did not want to be totally unwilling to make things right, BUT yet, nothing was good enough or ever kept it fine for long. So I resigned myself to who they are, and just try to take my mother in law in small doses. One day with her and Mother Theresa would become homicidal, but I do try.

Cutting them off completely has its negatives as well, as you know. So go off, get married, have a wonderful honeymoon. There is time enough to deal with them later.

 

[Miranda]

Date: 8/5/2008 12:53:47 AM
Author: Harriet

Date: 8/5/2008 12:43:59 AM
Author: Miranda
The cake was sweet! So is my DH! You need a cake regardless of if there is a reception or not!

Well, I could send mine to DC to visit BIL. They are going for Sept and part of Oct. Lucky me...I get stuck with their dog that peed on DD''s bed, my precious kitty''s bed, and killed two of my plants because he won''t tinkle in the right place the last time he was here. OK, the peeing on the bushes can be forgiven. I''m just neurotic about dog pee in the yard and have my dog trained to *go* in the side yard. Their dog is not so trainable. If he does pee anyplace other than outside again he won''t be welcome at my house. I''m a complete animal lover, but, I draw the line when body fluids are involved!

FIL IS nuts. Everyone ignores it and acts as if OCD, paranoia, agoraphobia, klaustrophobia, etc. are normal behaviors. They are of the mind that you can''t teach an old dog new tricks so why bother trying to get him mentally well. He''s better when he''s away from his own house. He goes weeks without leaving home. He''s ok when he''s here because the house is airy and our lot backs up to a nature preserve. There''s lots of open space. But, when he''s at BIL''s house he goes bonkers. It is a tiny 2 bedroom townhome in DC with 2 adults and 2 kids living there. And the kids are a piece of work. I do not know why the ILs stay there. They have plenty of money. There''s no reason they couldn''t rent their own townhome for a month. Strange folks...I saw you mentioned the word rational earlier. I''m afraid it is not a word in many people''s vocabulary.

Are you using Neosporin for the sores?

Is their dog at least cute?

Are those the kids that cause trouble? If so, your ILs and your BIL''s family are perfect for each other.

Yes, I''m using Neosporin.

Yes, at least the dog is cute. He''s less cute urinating on my things, though!

Yep, they are the rotten ones. They drives the ILs crazy. They like my kids because they are well mannered and not horrid to be around. They are perfect angels!

HA!

Keep up with the Neosporin. How are the booboos today?

 

[Harriet]

Date: 8/5/2008 9:31:49 AM
Author: AGBF
Harriet,

I was rudely thrown offline by the computer system in our house (in Virginia). I have had no access for a few days. Even now my own computer does not work. I have not been able to read all of this thread yet, let alone read the older ones. I cannot wait to do that, however. I would love to meet you, too.

Hugs,
Deb

What a badly mannered computer system! No worries on catching up. I''m learning to let things go.

Hugs back.

 

[Harriet]

Date: 8/5/2008 5:20:04 PM
Author: diamondfan
You would be surprised what your hubby knows and does not know...he is, I am sure, a smart guy. Just tread lightly, make your point and try not to be emotionally caught up. It makes it easier for them to hear and handle.

If you have been in his life this long and they can claim they do not really ''know'' you, I see them partly to blame. And I would just try to move forward, I would not go overboard in trying to make things work, that always backfired for me. I have my personal limits, I put up with it only because I had respect for my hubby and did not want to be totally unwilling to make things right, BUT yet, nothing was good enough or ever kept it fine for long. So I resigned myself to who they are, and just try to take my mother in law in small doses. One day with her and Mother Theresa would become homicidal, but I do try.

Cutting them off completely has its negatives as well, as you know. So go off, get married, have a wonderful honeymoon. There is time enough to deal with them later.

That claim of theirs is bunkum and, as someone pointed out, irrelevant. I''ll try to move forward, but will not let them trample me. For now, they can sod off.

 

[Harriet]

Date: 8/5/2008 6:05:32 PM
Author: Miranda
Yes, at least the dog is cute. He''s less cute urinating on my things, though!

Yep, they are the rotten ones. They drives the ILs crazy. They like my kids because they are well mannered and not horrid to be around. They are perfect angels!

HA!

Keep up with the Neosporin. How are the booboos today?

Still there.

 

[diamondfan]

Harriet, I have no doubt that their claim is bunkum and I am sure it is just a rationalization on their part. And honestly, it should not matter because HE is choosing you, it would be nice if they adored you, how nice and neat that would be, but it is not imperative that they do. Again, nice if it could be so, but you two are starting your lives together and that is what counts.

 

[Harriet]

You''re absolutely right.

 

[Isabelle]

Date: 8/2/2008 12:18:33 AM
Author:Harriet
I''m very sorry, but I need to vent. Yes, again.

Recap:

Recently, FMIL wanted her precious younger son to stay with us on and off. As some of you know, our wedding is upcoming and we need the time together. Also, we have a no-guest policy (we live in New York). We said ''no,'' and she screamed at us, calling us ''selfish'' and insinuating that I was brought up that way (which I find offensive to my parents). Last weekend was FFIL''s birthday. I really didn''t want to go (I have bad GERD and was so stressed out that my doctor advised me against going). But, because FI expressed that my going would mean a lot to him, I went.


Report:

Things went more or less smoothly. Per FI''s request, FMIL didn''t bring up our no-guest policy. BUT, there was no mention whatsoever of our wedding next week. And, they kept referring to our future honeymoon as a ''vacation.'' How would you respond?


P.S. I sent a conciliatory e-mail after the no-guest fracas and received no reply.

I read this thread b/c it caught my eye. I remember when I first got married to my husband, I had some difficulty with my MIL. But we are so close now. Of course, that is probably b/c I didn''t do anything to blow up our relationship. I have to ask, since you asked a non-specified group for their thoughts, Why do you have a "no guest" policy, even for family? Why is his family not invited to the ceremony? I don''t see the connection between your parents not being able to attend so his parents having to be excluded from attending. Starting a marriage by excluding the groom''s family is probably not the best way to approach things. If I were his family I would be really hurt, and surprised that our presence at the ceremony was not wanted. If his parents lived away for 7 years, what could you have been working on with him to get him to see them differently? It''s not like you had that much interaction with them, is it? A wedding is more than a bride''s big day. It represents the coming together of two families, and I hope that you will reconsider excluding them from this special time. Otherwise, your husband might be caught up in the moment of defending this decision but over time I suspect he will regret keeping them away and it might cause trouble for your marriage as a result. (I am only offering this with the hopes that your marriage will be happy and last forever. Peace with your in laws will be helpful in this regard). Good luck.

 

[Harriet]

Date: 8/6/2008 10:35:52 PM
Author: Isabelle

I read this thread b/c it caught my eye. I remember when I first got married to my husband, I had some difficulty with my MIL. But we are so close now. Of course, that is probably b/c I didn''t do anything to blow up our relationship. I have to ask, since you asked a non-specified group for their thoughts, Why do you have a ''no guest'' policy, even for family? Why is his family not invited to the ceremony? I don''t see the connection between your parents not being able to attend so his parents having to be excluded from attending. Starting a marriage by excluding the groom''s family is probably not the best way to approach things. If I were his family I would be really hurt, and surprised that our presence at the ceremony was not wanted. If his parents lived away for 7 years, what could you have been working on with him to get him to see them differently? It''s not like you had that much interaction with them, is it? A wedding is more than a bride''s big day. It represents the coming together of two families, and I hope that you will reconsider excluding them from this special time. Otherwise, your husband might be caught up in the moment of defending this decision but over time I suspect he will regret keeping them away and it might cause trouble for your marriage as a result. (I am only offering this with the hopes that your marriage will be happy and last forever. Peace with your in laws will be helpful in this regard). Good luck.

Hi Isabelle,

The no-guest policy is with respect to our apartment. We have two bedrooms, one of which is being used as an office.

Originally, there was to be a ceremony followed by a reception. Then, my mother fell ill. So, after discussion with FI''s parents, we decided to have a simple civil ceremony and hold the reception in the fall. It''ll be the shortest thing and we (including FI''s parents) decided that it wouldn''t be worth their while to come. Then, after chewing us out last weekend, they offered to come. But, at this point, we cannot have people who are not happy for us taint our little big day. We''re hoping for the best and to have a joyous reception later with them and my parents.

I understand where you''re coming from and appreciate the advice. Thanks!

They spent most of their summers in the US and one whole year here. I did spend time with them then and was also in constant phone and e-mail contatc.

 

[Isabelle]

Date: 8/6/2008 11:03:59 PM
Author: Harriet

Date: 8/6/2008 10:35:52 PM

Author: Isabelle


I read this thread b/c it caught my eye. I remember when I first got married to my husband, I had some difficulty with my MIL. But we are so close now. Of course, that is probably b/c I didn''t do anything to blow up our relationship. I have to ask, since you asked a non-specified group for their thoughts, Why do you have a ''no guest'' policy, even for family? Why is his family not invited to the ceremony? I don''t see the connection between your parents not being able to attend so his parents having to be excluded from attending. Starting a marriage by excluding the groom''s family is probably not the best way to approach things. If I were his family I would be really hurt, and surprised that our presence at the ceremony was not wanted. If his parents lived away for 7 years, what could you have been working on with him to get him to see them differently? It''s not like you had that much interaction with them, is it? A wedding is more than a bride''s big day. It represents the coming together of two families, and I hope that you will reconsider excluding them from this special time. Otherwise, your husband might be caught up in the moment of defending this decision but over time I suspect he will regret keeping them away and it might cause trouble for your marriage as a result. (I am only offering this with the hopes that your marriage will be happy and last forever. Peace with your in laws will be helpful in this regard). Good luck.

Hi Isabelle,


The no-guest policy is with respect to our apartment. We have two bedrooms, one of which is being used as an office.


Originally, there was to be a ceremony followed by a reception. Then, my mother fell ill. So, after discussion with FI''s parents, we decided to have a simple civil ceremony and hold the reception in the fall. It''ll be the shortest thing and we (including FI''s parents) decided that it wouldn''t be worth their while to come. Then, after chewing us out last weekend, they offered to come. But, at this point, we cannot have people who are not happy for us taint our little big day. We''re hoping for the best and to have a joyous reception later with them and my parents.


I understand where you''re coming from and appreciate the advice. Thanks!


They spent most of their summers in the US and one whole year here. I did spend time with them then and was also in constant phone and e-mail contatc.

Well first, I hope that your mother gets better very soon. It must be hard to have her ill at this special time.

From reading your other posts, it seems they (your inlaws) felt hurt that they were not attending. If it would assuage feelings, I would recommend inviting them to attend, especially since their health allows it. From their point of view, it was more than an "offer" to attend; It sounds like they really want to be there, and I think you are underestimating your mother to think that she would be unhappy that they were able to be there simply b/c she can''t be. Since you are having a reception later in the year, it might make everyone closer that you made this gesture and would start things off on the right foot. Imagine how bad you will feel in a few years time if they are still hurt from being left out and with the passage of time you realize that it wouldn''t have hurt anything to let them participate.

Next time, you could offer your FI''s brother the couch if it will bring family harmony. Blood is thicker than water, and what you won''t do even for a friend you sometimes have to do for family.

Anyway, I wish you all the best. I saw your dress and I think it looks beautiful. Enjoy your honeymoon and make peace with your family. --Yes, HIS family will be YOUR FAMILY TOO in a couple of days time.

 

[Harriet]

Date: 8/6/2008 11:23:36 PM
Author: Isabelle
Well first, I hope that your mother gets better very soon. It must be hard to have her ill at this special time.

From reading your other posts, it seems they (your inlaws) felt hurt that they were not attending. If it would assuage feelings, I would recommend inviting them to attend, especially since their health allows it. From their point of view, it was more than an ''offer'' to attend; It sounds like they really want to be there, and I think you are underestimating your mother to think that she would be unhappy that they were able to be there simply b/c she can''t be. Since you are having a reception later in the year, it might make everyone closer that you made this gesture and would start things off on the right foot. Imagine how bad you will feel in a few years time if they are still hurt from being left out and with the passage of time you realize that it wouldn''t have hurt anything to let them participate.

Next time, you could offer your FI''s brother the couch if it will bring family harmony. Blood is thicker than water, and what you won''t do even for a friend you sometimes have to do for family.

Anyway, I wish you all the best. I saw your dress and I think it looks beautiful. Enjoy your honeymoon and make peace with your family. --Yes, HIS family will be YOUR FAMILY TOO in a couple of days time.

Thank you. It is.

FI and I are still reeling from the hurt and disappointment of the weekend that we just cannot have them here. But we do hope to mend things later.

FI''s brother has been offered the couch. He was the thing-that-wouldn''t-leave. For six weeks!

I hope so to. For now, we just want to concentate on our union.

 

[Isabelle]

Date: 8/6/2008 11:36:37 PM
Author: Harriet

Date: 8/6/2008 11:23:36 PM

Author: Isabelle

Well first, I hope that your mother gets better very soon. It must be hard to have her ill at this special time.


From reading your other posts, it seems they (your inlaws) felt hurt that they were not attending. If it would assuage feelings, I would recommend inviting them to attend, especially since their health allows it. From their point of view, it was more than an ''offer'' to attend; It sounds like they really want to be there, and I think you are underestimating your mother to think that she would be unhappy that they were able to be there simply b/c she can''t be. Since you are having a reception later in the year, it might make everyone closer that you made this gesture and would start things off on the right foot. Imagine how bad you will feel in a few years time if they are still hurt from being left out and with the passage of time you realize that it wouldn''t have hurt anything to let them participate.


Next time, you could offer your FI''s brother the couch if it will bring family harmony. Blood is thicker than water, and what you won''t do even for a friend you sometimes have to do for family.


Anyway, I wish you all the best. I saw your dress and I think it looks beautiful. Enjoy your honeymoon and make peace with your family. --Yes, HIS family will be YOUR FAMILY TOO in a couple of days time.

Thank you. It is.


FI and I are still reeling from the hurt and disappointment of the weekend that we just cannot have them here. But we do hope to mend things later.


FI''s brother has been offered the couch. He was the thing-that-wouldn''t-leave. For six weeks!


I hope so to. For now, we just want to concentate on our union.

It seems like the things that were said over the weekend was due to both parties having hurt feelings (them for being excluded from the ceremony, you for not feeling accepted by them), and then everyone has acted in ways that they will each regret later. I wish you the best again, and I do hope you guys can make amends. If worse comes to worse and they really won''t be there on Friday, then perhaps one great way to mend things later would be to redo the vows on the day of the reception. I am sure both sets of parents would love that.