In-Laws (Part III)

[miraclesrule]

Date: 8/3/2008 10:53:39 PM
Author: Harriet
Thanks for the book recommendations, ladies.

MZ,
Can you believe that I''ve been so preoccupied that I haven''t been plotting my next gem?!

That''s a good thing, because we need to be plotting my "first" gem.

 

[Harriet]

Date: 8/3/2008 4:07:30 PM
Author: Skippy123
I agree with this and what DF says in both her posts. It may never make sense and if you try making sense of it all you are going to drive yourself and your FI nutty!

I also agree w/Beth in some other post, don''t answer there calls. If they are just arguing for the sake of arguing then for your wellbeing and your FI''s don''t take their calls.

One problem I have is that I assume that everyone is rational! I''m not taking their calls and I''ve filtered my e-mail.

 

[iheartscience]

The fact that they would refuse to give you both their blessing is seriously ridiculous and beyond offensive. How dare they try to put a damper on your happiness the week of your wedding. I would absolutely not let them come.

Why would they even want to attend an event that they don''t approve of? I would tell them, no thanks, your wedding is going to be just for the two of you, and since they don''t approve, you''re not sure why they would want to come anyway. I think it''s time for the gloves to come off (in a polite, firm way as opposed to a yelling match, of course).

I''m sorry you''re dealing with this before your wedding. After telling them not to come to your wedding, I would not speak to them again at least until you come back from your honeymoon. I hope you can move past this and still enjoy your wedding!

 

[miraclesrule]

Date: 8/3/2008 11:00:44 PM
Author: Harriet

Date: 8/3/2008 4:07:30 PM
Author: Skippy123
I agree with this and what DF says in both her posts. It may never make sense and if you try making sense of it all you are going to drive yourself and your FI nutty!

I also agree w/Beth in some other post, don''t answer there calls. If they are just arguing for the sake of arguing then for your wellbeing and your FI''s don''t take their calls.

One problem I have is that I assume that everyone is rational! I''m not taking their calls and I''ve filtered my e-mail.

Ate my dang post!!

Good for you!! Give them the virtual "Talk to the Hand".

I feel your pain. There are only two rationals in my department...at least that what the Myer-Briggs and Kirsey test or whatever the heck those personality tests are named. It''s sad. Bill Gates is a rational.

 

[Kaleigh]

My thinking is geared mainly towards getting you to have and ENJOY your wedding, your reception and not a vacation as they say, but a well deserved HONEYMOON. They are extremely passive agressive. I'd really put a buffer between you and them for the time being. Things can be worked on after the wedding. But nothing will be solved now!! So leave it as a chapter you'll finish once you are back from the honeymoon.

I found with my MIL, who gave me a hard way to go. Once I spoke my mind, with 100 % frankness, no BS, just articulated how I was feeling. She did a 360, she admired my strength. No one has ever stood up to her, except me.

We have a great relationship now. She was a PITA, she laughs about it now, and so do I. I never thought we'd be great friends. But we are, and respect one another. I Know, I never thought the MIL from hell would be someone, I treasure a lot.

I understand your position. You are between a rock and a hard place. Just focus on you, and your FI. You are going to be married soon, that will be YOUR family.

Best of luck. Keep your head high, don't let drama ruin your fabulous day.

 

[Harriet]

Date: 8/3/2008 10:56:30 PM
Author: Eva17
my plate is very clean now. all is well!

I''m so relieved.

 

[Harriet]

Date: 8/3/2008 10:56:46 PM
Author: miraclesrule
That''s a good thing, because we need to be plotting my ''first'' gem.

I''m warning you -- once you buy that first gem, there''ll be no turning back.

 

[Harriet]

Date: 8/3/2008 11:09:54 PM
Author: thing2of2
The fact that they would refuse to give you both their blessing is seriously ridiculous and beyond offensive. How dare they try to put a damper on your happiness the week of your wedding. I would absolutely not let them come.

Why would they even want to attend an event that they don''t approve of? I would tell them, no thanks, your wedding is going to be just for the two of you, and since they don''t approve, you''re not sure why they would want to come anyway. I think it''s time for the gloves to come off (in a polite, firm way as opposed to a yelling match, of course).

I''m sorry you''re dealing with this before your wedding. After telling them not to come to your wedding, I would not speak to them again at least until you come back from your honeymoon. I hope you can move past this and still enjoy your wedding!

They are not coming. I will not have them sully my small big day. Yup, we''re not planning on dealing with them until the honeymoon period is over.

 

[Harriet]

Date: 8/3/2008 11:15:11 PM
Author: Kaleigh
My thinking is geared mainly towards getting you to have and ENJOY your wedding, your reception and not a vacation as they say, but a well deserved HONEYMOON. They are extremely passive agressive. I''d really put a buffer between you and them for the time being. Things can be worked on after the wedding. But nothing will be solved now!! So leave it as a chapter you''ll finish once you are back from the honeymoon.

I found with my MIL, who gave me a hard way to go. Once I spoke my mind, with 100 % frankness, no BS, just articulated how I was feeling. She did a 360, she admired my strength. No one has ever stood up to her, except me.

We have a great relationship now. She was a PITA, she laughs about it now, and so do I. I never thought we''d be great friends. But we are, and respect one another. I Know, I never thought the MIL from hell would be someone, I treasure a lot.

I understand your position. You are between a rock and a hard place. Just focus on you, and your FI. You are going to be married soon, that will be YOUR family.

Best of luck. Keep your head high, don''t let drama ruin your fabulous day.

That''s precisely my goal.

I have been direct and factual with them, but to no avail ("oh, that''s not how you speak to a family member"). At the same time, they boast about how open their extended family is with each other! Grr.

I''m glad for you.

I don''t expect to be best friends with my FMIL, but as long as we reach the colleague-you-don''t-really-like-but-tolerate level, I''m satisfied.

Thanks!

 

[Harriet]

FI just e-mailed his parents about not coming. He didn''t catalogue their errors (which is for the better), but pointed out hard it is for him to be stuck in the middle. He also told them that his headwould explode if the drama goes on.

 

[Beth]

Phone off hook, email filtered and request for non attendance and peace sent. Well done. Now move on - for now. You will only have one wedding day and lead up. If you begin to stress just think of whales. Maybe you need a whale song tape.

Seriously - good luck for a beautiful day

(did I make you giggle? give ya a buck to sing like a whale...

)

 

[isaku5]

Date: 8/4/2008 12:58:33 AM
Author: Harriet
FI just e-mailed his parents about not coming. He didn''t catalogue their errors (which is for the better), but pointed out hard it is for him to be stuck in the middle. He also told them that his headwould explode if the drama goes on.

Well done!! Now the wedding of the two people who share a wonderful love will be fabulous!

 

[KimberlyH]

Good for FI, Harriet. Now put this nonsense out of your head for the next few weeks and enjoy that you are going to be married on Friday and off on a honeymoon!

 

[diamondfan]

Well, you have your work cut out for you, after you return. Now is the time to just let it go. They will be the cause of plenty of stress and fights in your future if you guys cannot find a way to make things work. Do not let them also ruin this week.

With their comments in mind there is NO WAY I would have them at my wedding and I am not even sure why they want to attend given their feelings.

Logic and fairness are not likely to reach them. I think when you guys return a low profile for a while is best.

 

[Harriet]

Date: 8/4/2008 3:26:44 AM
Author: Beth
Phone off hook, email filtered and request for non attendance and peace sent. Well done. Now move on - for now. You will only have one wedding day and lead up. If you begin to stress just think of whales. Maybe you need a whale song tape.

Seriously - good luck for a beautiful day

(did I make you giggle? give ya a buck to sing like a whale...

)

You did! Er, what does whale singing sound like?

 

[Harriet]

Date: 8/4/2008 10:40:01 AM
Author: isaku5

Date: 8/4/2008 12:58:33 AM
Author: Harriet
FI just e-mailed his parents about not coming. He didn''t catalogue their errors (which is for the better), but pointed out hard it is for him to be stuck in the middle. He also told them that his headwould explode if the drama goes on.

Well done!! Now the wedding of the two people who share a wonderful love will be fabulous!

Thanks, Isabel.

 

[Harriet]

Date: 8/4/2008 10:56:07 AM
Author: KimberlyH
Good for FI, Harriet. Now put this nonsense out of your head for the next few weeks and enjoy that you are going to be married on Friday and off on a honeymoon!

Yes, ma''am.

 

[Harriet]

Date: 8/4/2008 11:16:08 AM
Author: diamondfan
Well, you have your work cut out for you, after you return. Now is the time to just let it go. They will be the cause of plenty of stress and fights in your future if you guys cannot find a way to make things work. Do not let them also ruin this week.

With their comments in mind there is NO WAY I would have them at my wedding and I am not even sure why they want to attend given their feelings.

Logic and fairness are not likely to reach them. I think when you guys return a low profile for a while is best.

I''m in complete agreement.

 

[Miranda]

OK, I''m only three posts in, but, I had to respond. Call me crass, but, I would have corrected dear MIL and told her that your *vacation* was actually a LOVE FEST! I cannot believe they would be so intentionally hurtful.

OK, I''ll go back and catch up on the three pages.

 

[Miranda]

I''m so glad to hear they are not coming. Surely they (she?) would try their hardest to ruin the moment for you. I cannot believe their excuses! One after the other for their atrocious behavior! I have no tolerance for excuses.

I hope you do find the road to, at least, getting along with them. Like Kaleigh, for me and my ILs it has been a very long road. We have more of an understanding now than a fondness. There are still disagreements, but, for the most part they back down because I WILL let them have it. For the most part my hubby deals with their drama. It sounds like you and I have similar in-laws. I think the most important thing you can do in dealing with them is to have patience. Right now mine are annoyed with DH and I because they wanted to do a few things with our kids (well, only the boys - they exclude DD from a lot) and we said no. We didn''t give them the looooong list of reasons. DH just gave them a few and they are pouting about it, etc. They will get over it! That''s the bottom line. Do what feels right to you and your soon to be DH.

They will get over it! Gotta go!!!! DH just brought a CAKE home to me!!!!!!

 

[Kaleigh]

Good for your FI, am glad they aren't ccoming. Enjoy your wedding day, and Honeymoon. You are starting a new life together, I hope it's filled with love and joy.

 

[Linda W]

Harriet,

How are you doing tonight my dear friend?

I feel so bad for you having to go through all of this before your wedding.

This is why I no longer speak to my In-laws, nor does my DH speak to them either. Poisonous people have no place in your life. This is just my opinion though.

Love and hugs to you sweetheart.

linda

 

[Harriet]

Date: 8/4/2008 9:38:29 PM
Author: Miranda
I'm so glad to hear they are not coming. Surely they (she?) would try their hardest to ruin the moment for you. I cannot believe their excuses! One after the other for their atrocious behavior! I have no tolerance for excuses.

I hope you do find the road to, at least, getting along with them. Like Kaleigh, for me and my ILs it has been a very long road. We have more of an understanding now than a fondness. There are still disagreements, but, for the most part they back down because I WILL let them have it. For the most part my hubby deals with their drama. It sounds like you and I have similar in-laws. I think the most important thing you can do in dealing with them is to have patience. Right now mine are annoyed with DH and I because they wanted to do a few things with our kids (well, only the boys - they exclude DD from a lot) and we said no. We didn't give them the looooong list of reasons. DH just gave them a few and they are pouting about it, etc. They will get over it! That's the bottom line. Do what feels right to you and your soon to be DH.

They will get over it! Gotta go!!!! DH just brought a CAKE home to me!!!!!!

I refuse to have people who can't be happy for me at my little big day! Can we send both pairs to, say, the tundra?

P.S. I want cake!

 

[Harriet]

Date: 8/4/2008 10:13:42 PM
Author: Kaleigh
Good for your FI, am glad they aren''t ccoming. Enjoy your wedding day, and Honeymoon. You are starting a new life together, I hope it''s filled with love and joy.

It will be. Thanks, Lisa.

 

[Harriet]

Date: 8/4/2008 11:21:16 PM
Author: Linda W
Harriet,

How are you doing tonight my dear friend?

I feel so bad for you having to go through all of this before your wedding.

This is why I no longer speak to my In-laws, nor does my DH speak to them either. Poisonous people have no place in your life. This is just my opinion though.

Love and hugs to you sweetheart.

linda

Why can''t you be my MIL?

I''m better tonight, thanks. I was so distressed the other night that I curled up in the closet with the dog and eventually fell asleep!

You''re right about poisonous people. Have you read the book MZ recommended titled "Toxic In-Laws?"

And the same to you, my dear.

 

[Harriet]

Thanks to the MI trip, my legs are covered in mozzy bites. Stupidly, I scratched and they''re all scabby (sorry to gross you all out). My wedding is in 4 days. Just great.

 

[Linda W]

You slept in the closet???? OMG Harriet, you poor little thing. Come to California and I will take care of you and your DH after your honeymoon!!!!!

You need to rest and relax and not think of anything else but your upcoming wedding.

No, I haven''t read that book. No reason for me to. We don''t speak to his mother or her husband. We speak to DH''s father, he is a wonderful man and I love him to pieces. DH''s mother lives back east, so she isn''t out here very often. When she is, we don''t see her anyway. She is a vile and nasty woman. She doesn''t like any of her children''s spouses, so naturally she is alienated from her family.

If your In-laws keep their garbage up, they may be facing the same thing.

I wish I could be your MIL. Hey!!! I do have a brother, want to be my sister in law??? tee hee.

 

[Linda W]

Harriet,

Try putting some rubbing alcohol on them. I use it for mosquito bites, which I got from camping last time.

 

[Miranda]

Date: 8/4/2008 11:26:52 PM
Author: Harriet

Date: 8/4/2008 9:38:29 PM
Author: Miranda
I''m so glad to hear they are not coming. Surely they (she?) would try their hardest to ruin the moment for you. I cannot believe their excuses! One after the other for their atrocious behavior! I have no tolerance for excuses.

I hope you do find the road to, at least, getting along with them. Like Kaleigh, for me and my ILs it has been a very long road. We have more of an understanding now than a fondness. There are still disagreements, but, for the most part they back down because I WILL let them have it. For the most part my hubby deals with their drama. It sounds like you and I have similar in-laws. I think the most important thing you can do in dealing with them is to have patience. Right now mine are annoyed with DH and I because they wanted to do a few things with our kids (well, only the boys - they exclude DD from a lot) and we said no. We didn''t give them the looooong list of reasons. DH just gave them a few and they are pouting about it, etc. They will get over it! That''s the bottom line. Do what feels right to you and your soon to be DH.

They will get over it! Gotta go!!!! DH just brought a CAKE home to me!!!!!!

I refuse to have people who can''t be happy for me at my little big day! Can we send both pairs to, say, the tundra?

P.S. I want cake!

It was tasty! A little mocha number he picked up at a bakery near his office. Did you pick a wedding cake? You MUST have cake after your little big day!

Let''s purchase one way tickets for the inlaws!

By mozzy bites do you mean mozquitoes? If so, I am so sorry! Those are terrible. Another thing we have in common. My IL''s are overrun with mozquitoes! Every time we go there we are eaten alive. Keep in mind they live in inland Southern California. No place near any bodies of water. Why the mozquitoes? Because his dad obsessively waters his lawn until there are puddles of water everywhere! He is NUTS! Total OCD! Have you tried cortisone for the itching? Do they get offended about the bites? My IL''s do. They get furious when we break out the insect repellent.

They would rather see their grandchildren infected by the West Nile Virus than admit there is a problem...OK, I am on a total rant now...The pests set me off Harriet!

You poor thing! You should not be sleeping in your closet a few days before your wedding! Hugs girlfriend!

 

[diamondfan]

I too hope your life is filled with love and happiness! And I am glad they are not coming for your sake, but hubby MAY feel bad about it at a later date so be prepared (MY parents were not welcomed at our wedding because you dislike them). I am not saying this will happen but history has a way of being rewritten where family drama is concerned. I can hear them ladling it on thick, Oh, my son, we STILL are so bereft that we were EXCLUDED from your wedding. (Do you see the direction here? You again will be the bad guy, vilified for what choices are made whenever there is a conflict. I do not profess to have answers, your in laws to be may just be horrific people and you have my sympathies, but you still will be married to their son and they will be around until they are not here anymore.

Lisa is an exceptional woman, and she was luckily able to come to a good place with her mother in law, she took no crap but her mother in law respected her. It happens but I think it is rare, mostly they resent you and no matter what you do or say they continue their BS. I told my FIL OFF big time, he was so shocked because literally NO ONE ever stood up to him. Now, it did not make him treat me better but he knew he would get it if he stepped out of line. I have done the same with MIL. Like Miranda, my mother in law KNOWS without doubt that I will remove the kid gloves if she makes a move, I have to treat her like a totally disobedient child to have any measure of sanity when she is around. She loves to rattle cages and see what reactions she gets. I simply give her the fish eye and tell her COOL IT. My middle son really dislikes her because she is totally off the wall with him. If she is out of line this coming visit (ten days starting August 20th) I will tell her she had better watch out as her grandson is starting to dislike her and it is HER FAULT.

Harriet, I am very concerned for you and your fiance. You have won the battle (i.e. them not coming to the wedding) but these stances can backfire and you can lose the war in the long run. They ARE his parents. He will, no matter what, expect to have them to visit. Now, they should not stay with you if you have no room, and heck, even if you do, you should not host people who go out of their way to be unkind or make trouble. Versailles is not big enough to host guests like that, a hotel is fine. But, you WILL have to find a way to make this work, because hubby will otherwise be in the middle and I can almost promise you he will be getting an earful from both sides and it will very tough on him, even if he tends to agree with you. It is a pretty untenable position to be in, even when it is so clear his parents are demanding and difficult people.