In-Laws (Part III)

[iluvcarats]

Dear Harriet,
So sorry.
I guess my advice would be to realize that this is a situation which is out of your control. You can not change them, or make them like you. I would politely tolerate them, and redirect their negativity by changing the subject. I would then put all of my energy in the enjoyment of your new life with your new husband. Life is simply too short to be bogged down in misery. You don''t have to take part in their manipulative games. It reminds me of this quote "Just because someone throws you a ball, it doesn''t mean you have to catch it."
Best wishes on your upcoming wedding.

 

[Skippy123]

Date: 8/2/2008 9:04:34 PM
Author: Harriet
WishfulThinking,
Thanks again for you empathy. I do not expect them to change one whit. If only I could get FI to acknowledge the possibility that that may not happen, however hard I try. Heck, I've given up on my parents changing their ways!

Harriet, I know this post isn't to me but I would let FI see it for himself, you know. Just thinking about your in laws reminded me long time ago a family member would always disappoint me and it happened over and over again; someone said something that stuck with me and it change my outlook more positively for my overall well being when it came to this particular person. "You cannot change how someone reacts but you can change how you react to them or the situation." Sending the best for your upcoming wedding.

 

[Harriet]

Iluvcarats,
Thanks for your understanding. Here's another quote: "Never fight with a pig. You'll both be muddy and only the pig will be happy." Not that I'm calling my future ILs porcine.

Skip,
You're right. I don't know why I'm a pushover with them. I don't take nonsense from others and will pursue issues to their conclusion if need be.

 

[Harriet]

I''m breaking down. FI''s conversation with the ILs left us extremely upset and it''s been a horrible day. FI claims that we can change their perception of me. Frankly, at this point, I don''t care. I just resent them deeply for ruining what should have been a happy run up to our big day. I''m terribly distressed.

 

[Beth]

Time to unplug the phone for a week.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 8/3/2008 12:45:57 AM
Author: Harriet
I''m breaking down. FI''s conversation with the ILs left us extremely upset and it''s been a horrible day. FI claims that we can change their perception of me. Frankly, at this point, I don''t care. I just resent them deeply for ruining what should have been a happy run up to our big day. I''m terribly distressed.

If they don''t feel like they know you well enough, sweetie, that isn''t going to change in the week before your wedding; it will take time. I agree with your FI and think that after enough time their perception of you will definitely change if they honestly don''t know you that well, but that will take years. It isn''t relevant for your wedding. Obviously it would be lovely if things were different for your happy day, but that isn''t realistic. Take some time to adjust to the fact that the build-up to the wedding isn''t turning out the way you hoped, and then focus again on the important aspects--that you and your FI will finally be married at the end of the day, starting a new chapter in your lives together, and that your relationship of seven years has been building up to this lovely day. I hope the two of you are able to keep your attention on the most important things: each other.

 

[Madam Bijoux]

Short threadjack for Isaku (and Harriet, too, because she is up against something like this):

Throughout my my parents' marriage my father's family treated my mother worse than the way Harriet's FIL'S are treating her now. They were blatantly hostile and insulting and did everything they could think of to wreck my parents' marriage. When they first met my mother, one of them said "Oh, every English woman I ever met was a prostitute." When things finally reached the breaking point with each of them, my mother told them to get out of her house; they were no longer welcome in her home. Because I grew up in that situation, I know that people like these have to be stopped in their tracks by any means necessary. If it has to get ugly, let it get ugly. If they aren't stopped, they will make a couple's life miserable.

The situation Harriet is facing can also happen with co-workers or poisonous friends. Don't tolerate it.

 

[KimberlyH]

Date: 8/3/2008 12:45:57 AM
Author: Harriet
I''m breaking down. FI''s conversation with the ILs left us extremely upset and it''s been a horrible day. FI claims that we can change their perception of me. Frankly, at this point, I don''t care. I just resent them deeply for ruining what should have been a happy run up to our big day. I''m terribly distressed.

Harriet, they only have whatever power and control you both give them. This is not something that can be resolved in a day, or a week, and if you don''t want it to be it will never get resolved (which is your prerogative) but don''t let it taint today, and these coming weeks (wedding and honeymoon).

As for their offered blessings, I''m confused, what exactly did they say? There''s a big difference between "We don''t approve of Harriet but we give you our blessing as our son" and "We offer you our blessings" (which could very well mean the collective "you"). I sense their blessings are very important to you, but with all of the other issues they''ve laid out to you, would you want that still, or might it seem insincere?

It sounds like your future in-laws are difficult people, who want to be involved in their sons'' lives and have a lot of expectations about what their son and his future wife should be willing to do for them and what role you should play in their lives, and you are a warm but reserved, private person (my apologies for jumping to conclusions but this is the impression I have of you from what you present on PS) and as a group you have yet to find your balance in one anothers lives. That balance may eventually be that you are not involved, or it could be that you become friendly over time. For now, just for the next few weeks, can you and your fiance let it rest and focus on what is in front of you, your marriage and honeymoon?

 

[isaku5]

Date: 8/3/2008 8:28:42 AM
Author: Madam Bijoux
Short threadjack for Isaku (and Harriet, too, because she is up against something like this):

Throughout my my parents'' marriage my father''s family treated my mother worse than the way Harriet''s FIL''S are treating her now. They were blatantly hostile and insulting and did everything they could think of to wreck my parents'' marriage. When they first met my mother, one of them said ''Oh, every English woman I ever met was a prostitute.'' When things finally reached the breaking point with each of them, my mother told them to get out of her house; they were no longer welcome in her home. Because I grew up in that situation, I know that people like these have to be stopped in their tracks by any means necessary. If it has to get ugly, let it get ugly. If they aren''t stopped, they will make a couple''s life miserable.

The situation Harriet is facing can also happen with co-workers or poisonous friends. Don''t tolerate it.

Thank you, Madam, and to paraphrase Harriet, "You are indeed a very wise woman"

Once again, Harriet, my apologies for the threadjack.

 

[movie zombie]

Date: 8/3/2008 12:45:57 AM
Author: Harriet
I''m breaking down. FI''s conversation with the ILs left us extremely upset and it''s been a horrible day. FI claims that we can change their perception of me. Frankly, at this point, I don''t care. I just resent them deeply for ruining what should have been a happy run up to our big day. I''m terribly distressed.

harriet, make sure you share this info with FI......and then drop it. and ask him to do the same. unfortunately, you may never forgive them for this happening just before your big day. however, it is your big day and make the most of it. deal with them when you get back...........

movie zombie

 

[diamondfan]

After all these years that statement of not knowing you seems a bit disingenuous. Why do they not know you? Part of the "blame" for that is on their shoulders too. And, even if it is true, that is not something that can be resolved before the wedding.

They feel hurt and excluded. You feel pushed around and demeaned. Somehow, both of you are going to have to let this stuff go and try to come to common ground, if there is hope of having a somewhat decent relationship at some point in the future. Harriet, you can be right as rain about everything they do, but bottom line is they are still his parents. Therefore, you must find some way to sort of get a handle on it, especially if they are moving closer. I am not saying take abuse, and I think having boundaries are totally fine. You could even say, Oh yes, so and so, I SEE how our no guest policy might lead you to believe that we are closing the door on you. Please know it is NOT personal, it is about our space and our own personal needs, and we simply would not be good hosts.

reframe things so that it is not about you and your guy being harsh and exclusionary to them...but about what you guys need. Offer up alternatives that might be mutually acceptable to both of you guys. This is what I do with my kids...No, you cannot do X, how about Y instead?

Bottom line, being right and or righteous, even if warranted, is not going to solve things in the end. They are going to be factors in your life, like it or not. Think about if you have children! It is too raw and painful right now, so concentrate on your wedding and honeymoon and most of all your health, which is so vital. Let things settle. Then, later when you feel better, maybe have a sit down in a neutral place and see what happens.

 

[Beacon]

Harriet, I am so, so sorry to hear you are being stressed. I wish I could give you a big hug!

After all these years, I agree w/ DiamondFan and say it is unlikey that his parents are going to turn into loving, model in laws. However, the most important thing is not what they think but how you and your husband handle it. Meaning, don''t let them come between you.

I agree with your guest policy. I think it is a very personal thing and if a couple does not want guests before their wedding, that request should be politely honored. What kind of person would wish to foist themselves upon a couple who would find the obligation of houseguests stressful? I know sometimes these matters are cultural, for example, when my IL''s lived in NY, they would expect us to stay with them on every visit and have been offended if we did not do so. Tedious! (Mercifully they are now living overseas!).

However, logic is no use in emotional situations. Learning to disregard their statements and learning to keep your balance even when they try and upend you is most important.

Once people become blatantly rude, like Madame B''s example of "all the Englishwomen I have met were prostitutes", the gloves can come off. If someone said that to me I would say something like, "Oh I did not realize you frequently met prostitutes." However, until that time comes, you just keep your balance and try to distract yourself and your husband.

So, if you have had a brutal time this weekend, maybe you can go out and distract yourselves - get massages together - a tour of a great museum exhibit - call some fun friends and grab dinner. In other words, get out of that bad space that the ILs put you in.

Good luck and don''t let the ******s get you down.

 

[Skippy123]

Date: 8/3/2008 2:48:46 PM
Author: Beacon
Harriet, I am so, so sorry to hear you are being stressed. I wish I could give you a big hug!

After all these years, I agree w/ DiamondFan and say it is unlikey that his parents are going to turn into loving, model in laws. However, the most important thing is not what they think but how you and your husband handle it. Meaning, don't let them come between you.

I agree with your guest policy. I think it is a very personal thing and if a couple does not want guests before their wedding, that request should be politely honored. What kind of person would wish to foist themselves upon a couple who would find the obligation of houseguests stressful? I know sometimes these matters are cultural, for example, when my IL's lived in NY, they would expect us to stay with them on every visit and have been offended if we did not do so. Tedious! (Mercifully they are now living overseas!).

However, logic is no use in emotional situations. Learning to disregard their statements and learning to keep your balance even when they try and upend you is most important.

I agree with this and what DF says in both her posts. It may never make sense and if you try making sense of it all you are going to drive yourself and your FI nutty!

I also agree w/Beth in some other post, don't answer there calls. If they are just arguing for the sake of arguing then for your wellbeing and your FI's don't take their calls.

 

[Harriet]

Date: 8/3/2008 4:07:41 AM
Author: Beth
Time to unplug the phone for a week.

Yup. And report their e-mails as spam.

 

[Harriet]

Date: 8/3/2008 6:06:36 AM
Author: gwendolyn
If they don''t feel like they know you well enough, sweetie, that isn''t going to change in the week before your wedding; it will take time. I agree with your FI and think that after enough time their perception of you will definitely change if they honestly don''t know you that well, but that will take years. It isn''t relevant for your wedding. Obviously it would be lovely if things were different for your happy day, but that isn''t realistic. Take some time to adjust to the fact that the build-up to the wedding isn''t turning out the way you hoped, and then focus again on the important aspects--that you and your FI will finally be married at the end of the day, starting a new chapter in your lives together, and that your relationship of seven years has been building up to this lovely day. I hope the two of you are able to keep your attention on the most important things: each other.

You''re right. C''est la vie.

 

[Harriet]

Date: 8/3/2008 8:28:42 AM
Author: Madam Bijoux
Short threadjack for Isaku (and Harriet, too, because she is up against something like this):

Throughout my my parents'' marriage my father''s family treated my mother worse than the way Harriet''s FIL''S are treating her now. They were blatantly hostile and insulting and did everything they could think of to wreck my parents'' marriage. When they first met my mother, one of them said ''Oh, every English woman I ever met was a prostitute.'' When things finally reached the breaking point with each of them, my mother told them to get out of her house; they were no longer welcome in her home. Because I grew up in that situation, I know that people like these have to be stopped in their tracks by any means necessary. If it has to get ugly, let it get ugly. If they aren''t stopped, they will make a couple''s life miserable.

The situation Harriet is facing can also happen with co-workers or poisonous friends. Don''t tolerate it.

How awful for your mother! I''m sorry.

 

[Harriet]

Date: 8/3/2008 10:25:33 AM
Author: KimberlyH
Harriet, they only have whatever power and control you both give them. This is not something that can be resolved in a day, or a week, and if you don''t want it to be it will never get resolved (which is your prerogative) but don''t let it taint today, and these coming weeks (wedding and honeymoon).

As for their offered blessings, I''m confused, what exactly did they say? There''s a big difference between ''We don''t approve of Harriet but we give you our blessing as our son'' and ''We offer you our blessings'' (which could very well mean the collective ''you''). I sense their blessings are very important to you, but with all of the other issues they''ve laid out to you, would you want that still, or might it seem insincere?

It sounds like your future in-laws are difficult people, who want to be involved in their sons'' lives and have a lot of expectations about what their son and his future wife should be willing to do for them and what role you should play in their lives, and you are a warm but reserved, private person (my apologies for jumping to conclusions but this is the impression I have of you from what you present on PS) and as a group you have yet to find your balance in one anothers lives. That balance may eventually be that you are not involved, or it could be that you become friendly over time. For now, just for the next few weeks, can you and your fiance let it rest and focus on what is in front of you, your marriage and honeymoon?

Hi Kimberly,

We''re both trying hard to block out the negativity.

With respect to blessings, they said that they couldn''t give us one, but that they respect FI''s decision. Given their true colours, they can sod off.

No apology necessary. You''ve read me correctly. Yup, we''re trying very very hard to focus on the two of us.

 

[Harriet]

Date: 8/3/2008 11:13:56 AM
Author: isaku5
Thank you, Madam, and to paraphrase Harriet, ''You are indeed a very wise woman''

Once again, Harriet, my apologies for the threadjack.

No worries. Madam B helped me too.

 

[Harriet]

Date: 8/3/2008 12:29:40 PM
Author: movie zombie
harriet, make sure you share this info with FI......and then drop it. and ask him to do the same. unfortunately, you may never forgive them for this happening just before your big day. however, it is your big day and make the most of it. deal with them when you get back...........

movie zombie

Done. They can bugger off for now, if not permanently.

 

[Harriet]

Date: 8/3/2008 12:46:04 PM
Author: diamondfan
After all these years that statement of not knowing you seems a bit disingenuous. Why do they not know you? Part of the ''blame'' for that is on their shoulders too. And, even if it is true, that is not something that can be resolved before the wedding.

They feel hurt and excluded. You feel pushed around and demeaned. Somehow, both of you are going to have to let this stuff go and try to come to common ground, if there is hope of having a somewhat decent relationship at some point in the future. Harriet, you can be right as rain about everything they do, but bottom line is they are still his parents. Therefore, you must find some way to sort of get a handle on it, especially if they are moving closer. I am not saying take abuse, and I think having boundaries are totally fine. You could even say, Oh yes, so and so, I SEE how our no guest policy might lead you to believe that we are closing the door on you. Please know it is NOT personal, it is about our space and our own personal needs, and we simply would not be good hosts.

reframe things so that it is not about you and your guy being harsh and exclusionary to them...but about what you guys need. Offer up alternatives that might be mutually acceptable to both of you guys. This is what I do with my kids...No, you cannot do X, how about Y instead?

Bottom line, being right and or righteous, even if warranted, is not going to solve things in the end. They are going to be factors in your life, like it or not. Think about if you have children! It is too raw and painful right now, so concentrate on your wedding and honeymoon and most of all your health, which is so vital. Let things settle. Then, later when you feel better, maybe have a sit down in a neutral place and see what happens.

A bit? It''s bunkum. I''ve stayed with them at their lake house without FI for a week (at their invitation and in a guest bedroom

). You''d think that their living overseas for 6 out of the 7 years FI and I have been together would be a contributing factor as well.

That''s exactly how I responded after that screaming match. No reply.

 

[Harriet]

Date: 8/3/2008 2:48:46 PM
Author: Beacon
Harriet, I am so, so sorry to hear you are being stressed. I wish I could give you a big hug!

After all these years, I agree w/ DiamondFan and say it is unlikey that his parents are going to turn into loving, model in laws. However, the most important thing is not what they think but how you and your husband handle it. Meaning, don''t let them come between you.

I agree with your guest policy. I think it is a very personal thing and if a couple does not want guests before their wedding, that request should be politely honored. What kind of person would wish to foist themselves upon a couple who would find the obligation of houseguests stressful? I know sometimes these matters are cultural, for example, when my IL''s lived in NY, they would expect us to stay with them on every visit and have been offended if we did not do so. Tedious! (Mercifully they are now living overseas!).

However, logic is no use in emotional situations. Learning to disregard their statements and learning to keep your balance even when they try and upend you is most important.

Once people become blatantly rude, like Madame B''s example of ''all the Englishwomen I have met were prostitutes'', the gloves can come off. If someone said that to me I would say something like, ''Oh I did not realize you frequently met prostitutes.'' However, until that time comes, you just keep your balance and try to distract yourself and your husband.

So, if you have had a brutal time this weekend, maybe you can go out and distract yourselves - get massages together - a tour of a great museum exhibit - call some fun friends and grab dinner. In other words, get out of that bad space that the ILs put you in.

Good luck and don''t let the ******s get you down.

Hey there,

I thought of the same retort! Poor Madam B''s mother. I don''t understand why I take such merde from them (I think it''s to support FI). I''m usually pleasant, but I can be as tough as nails.

We did have massages today.

Thanks, Beacon!

 

[miraclesrule]

Okay, how about this saying then:

"Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent" Actually nobody can make you feel anything...not even resentment. It's a choice. Personally, I would relish in pleasure knowing that it is my very pleasure that they were trying to undermine. And that I WOULDN"T GIVE THEM TO POWER TO DO SO!! Sorry for the caps. I was too lazy to cut and highlight the bold.

But that's just me...

Seriously, you are letting FI's parents make you physically ill...that's giving them a lot of power Harriet. You are exposing your buttons and then reacting when they are pushed. Stop it I say...stop it now. (So much easier said than done).

You are getting married in a week. So, shower your Love with Love and don't even talk about his family right now. Don't give them a reason to say "I told you she was psycho". Do you know how blessed you are????? Do you know how blessed you are!

Let me remind you. ....

 

[Harriet]

Thanks, miraclesrule.

Unfortunately, as sound as your advice is, it is indeed easier said than done.

 

[Harriet]

The fights have mostly been with FMIL (DF sometimes calls her "la boca"). FFIL is fairly quiet. Throughout the years, I've demonstrated support through his various surgeries, as well as sought his opinion on a number of issues. I've grown to regard hm as a father figure. In addition, he was extremely affectionate to me last weekend. So, I was blindsided by the allegations he made to FI yesterday. Needless to say, I was utterly shocked.

ETA: Shoot. We can't ignore them this week. They are waiting for an answer about their coming to the ceremony.

 

[Eva17]

oh harriet, i am thinking of you.....

a great big giant bear hug [[[[[[[[[[ 0 ]]]]]]]]]]]]



glad to see you were out browsing together today and had massages!!! it was a glorious day to be outside.


enjoy your journey together the next few days.

 

[Harriet]

Aw, I told you to not think about me. You have enough on your plate as it is.

 

[miraclesrule]

Maybe she's hormonal. Seriously...hormones can turn any woman into an angry drunk.

Screw her! I'm I allowed to say that?

No, love her. Kindle her with kindness. Again, so much easier to say than do, but it's amazing how much better it will make YOU feel.

In a Return to Love it reads:

"Peace isn't determined by circumstances outside us. Peace stems from forgiveness. Pain doesn't stem from the love we're denied by others, but rather from the love that we deny them. In a case like that, it feels as though we're hurt by what someone else did. But what really has occurred is that someone else's closed heart has tempted us to close our own, and it is our own denial of love that hurts us. That's why the miracle is a shift in our own thinking" the willingness to keep our own heart open, regardless of what's going on outside us. "

It also says, and I like this part:

"Getting angry at someone else might make us feel better for a while, but ultimately all the fear and guilt comes back at us. If we judge another person, then they'll judge us back--and even if they don't, we'll feel like they did !!"

That probably isn't that much help to you, but you are about to be married, my dear, so you need a miracle. I want you to enjoy it. And you know what??? I think you will, regardless of what is going on around you. At that moment...nothing else will matter but love.

 

[movie zombie]

for you: Toxic In-Laws: Loving Strategies for Protecting Your Marriage (Paperback)
by Susan Forward

for your soon to be hubby: Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life (Paperback)
by Susan Forward

and she has another i haven''t read: Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You (Paperback)
by Susan Forward

i read the toxic in-laws and hubby read toxic parents....very helpful for both of us. the 3rd book looks promising also......

getting angry is one thing, getting stuck there is another. learning to accept people as they are can be difficult, especially when its the in-laws. you can set limits and chose to not be subjected to abuse. and you can also chose to say to them but specifically her at some point AFTER the wedding: we have our differences but because you are the mother of my husband/friend/lover, i will always be grateful to you for raising him to be who he is and i want to thank you for that. please remember that i do love you for this when things are rough and we aren''t getting along.

then drop it and let her think about that for awhile. and don''t feel guilty about setting limits.

movie zombie

 

[Harriet]

Thanks for the book recommendations, ladies.

MZ,
Can you believe that I''ve been so preoccupied that I haven''t been plotting my next gem?!

 

[Eva17]

well, i am thinking of you anyway!

my plate is very clean now. all is well!



and a wedding is a wonderful event. the point of which, two people choose to join together and become a team, a spouse, a force, a union in the making.

so, i want you to feel happy and content with your decisions and choices together. the great question, would your life be missing something without each other?????? if yes, then forget the rest for now. (there are plenty of years ahead for all of that to show it''s ugly head)

make the choice to let them go during this week and not allow them to create any stress or strife.

your dress, your shoes, your dinner, limo ride. Create good memories for each other!!!!!


as someone else wrote. it only has the power to control you, if you let it.