Hinting for an Upgrade to No Avail! Any advice?

[3shebabes]

Hello out there! I''''ve been lurking for months now -- endlessly reading all of your advice about diamonds and settings, oohing and ahhhing over the many pictures of your GORGEOUS "baubles" -- and reading up on the diamond "upgrade" posts. THAT is where my interests are at the moment. Married now for 9 years - but already daydreaming and wishing for a flashier stone and new setting for my 10th anniversary, which is a year away! I have dropped a few hints to which my hubby (the sweetest, most wonderful husband & father ever -- but not a natural-born jewelry-giver-type-guy) has either ignored completely, acted bored with the subject and immediately changed it, or made a comment like, "You want a new diamond ring? I''''d NEVER give up the wedding ring you gave me..." (Insert awkward silence followed by pangs of guilt here).

Here is the background info: Since we married 9 years ago, my hubby''''s business has done amazingly well. We feel very blessed! I would estimate his income is about 7 or 8 times what it was back then - when we became engaged. He gave me a beautiful solitaire back then - a 1.00 carat E VS2 pear set in a platinum tiffany style mounting, very simple, and I loved it. Since then, we have had 3 wonderful daughters! I am lucky enough to be able to stay home with them right now - but I will probably head back to work in a year or two. I still love my ring, but the materialistic (or should I say "diamond-loving" ) part of me yearns for a larger stone which I feel (know) we can technically swing -- it''''s all a matter of what makes sense I guess. I know my hubby is more practical than I am and his first thought will be that we should first have college completely in the bank for all 3 daughters (we''''re still quite a ways away -like 10 years- from the oldest going to college) before we put money toward something so frivolous. I don''''t even know if it''''s possible to save enough for college these days -- and we have saved some - but certainly not enough. We are fortunate to have a great house and even more fortunate that the payments are not a struggle, I tote my children around in a used Dodge Caravan (as opposed to a new luxury SUV or something like that), and I am FAR from being a major clothes shopper! I''''m more the type who buys a few new things each season - but that''''s it. So I may want something totally frivolous and unnecessary like a larger diamond -- but in other areas of life, I feel like I haven''''t been a big-spender. Cars depreciate, clothes go out of style, but something like this I feel I would enjoy for the rest of my life. So - my question is...am I awful to want this? Am I being selfish to ask him for this? ( I actually haven''''t asked, just hinted, but it hasn''''t gotten me very far...) How did some of you who have asked for upgrades (and gotten them) approach the subject with your significant others? How did they take it? Did you feel guilty or greedy? Did you ask for/discuss a "budget" for it?

I should say, for what it''''s worth, that I have looked around and tried on a number of diamond shapes and sizes and my ideal dream rock would be an oval in the 2 to 2.5 carat range. I found one on Whiteflash, with all the specs I dream of - but can''''t seem to find a way to discuss it with my hubby without feeling like a complete gold-digger! What makes it harder is that he himself is quite the down-to-earth guy -- nothing flashy about him. He never spends money on himself for frivolous items. He just isn''''t interested. He always says he isn''''t interested in things money can buy (except, apparently, college tuition!

) I think it''''s great to be that way -- and I feel that I am normally that kind of person...except where it comes to diamonds. They truly are my weakness! BUT - you wouldn''''t know it to look at me. Other than my engagement ring, I don''''t own any other "real" jewelry! My husband laughed at me when I nearly fainted once when a local jeweler offered to let me try on a 5 carat diamond engagement ring just for fun. I was just in there getting a watch fixed or something -- and I didn''''t ask to -- he just knew I loved diamonds and brought it out of the vault. My husband and I just cackled over the insane price tag, but my face got all hot and red when I tried it on and I felt like I''''d hyper-ventilate. My husband could not believe it, did NOT "get it" at all and kept saying, "Sweetie, they''''re just rocks?!!"

Anyway-- any advice from anyone out there who has been through this? So many of the posts I read about upgrade requests seemed like it was so simple -- like the husbands practically came up with the idea themselves?! I''''d like to know where you find THAT kind of husband! (Only kidding....love mine immensely, despite the fact that he doesn''''t "get" the diamond thing at all!)

SORRY for the novel I just wrote. Felt like expressing myself, I guess... Any/all advice or thoughts will be welcomed!

 

[Lorelei]

Oh Babes, welcome to PS!!

Oh boy.... I have seen this scenario many times with ladies longing to upgrade! Sometimes you have to plan a bit of a campaign and eventually change the tune of not IF you upgrade, but WHEN.....It worked on my Hubby anyway( but I am evil...) I think it is a case of really trying to sell him on the idea, that a larger diamond is truly important to you for various reasons, plant the seed, water it and let it grow. Pick your moment and explain to him that a larger diamond would make you so happy as a celebration of your lives together and all you have accomplished and as it is a very appropriate gift for a tenth wedding anniversary, you would love to be able to upgrade as the anniversary gift. Also as him if he has any big plans for his gift...

Sometimes it can take a while but it can usually be done! Type upgrade into the search box too if you haven't already and you will find a lot of ladies who were once in your shoes, now happily sporting their honkers!

Also some of the stories may sound like it was a case of VOILA - upgrade, but overall it took some ladies a while!

 

[eac]

Well... okay, here's another question about your husband and yourself: is he, and are you, from a "jewelry family"? One where the women wear quality jewelry, and receive jewelry as gifts, and inherit jewelry from relatives? Is your family a "jewelry family"? I have learned that this can be one of those things, like eating family-style versus serving food in the kitchen, that impacts our attitudes towards certain things. My sister-in-law's family wasn't a "jewelry family" and she was just blown away by the jewelry my brother and myself gave her during their marriage. My father showered my mother with jewelry - even when they were on the cusp of divorce. Now she is with another man who is from a different background, and he's never given her jewelry, ever, but she is 1000% happier with him, because he treats her kindly.

Being from a "jewelry family", the next time I get married, you bet I'd like to have my dream ring as an engagement ring! But because of where I live (New Zealand) I know that my partner might not be the one to give me my dream ring, because of cultural differences about jewelry here. (And, you know, I'd like a partner who was thrifty and responsible with money!) It's a romantic dream of mine, even as I face up to reality.

Possible solutions for you:

Why is this all about your husband giving it to you, after he's given you an engagement ring and expressed strong negative opinions about an upgrade? You could earn the money for it yourself, and buy it yourself. If not now (three young kids!) in the future? I get a lot of satisfaction out of the jewelry I have bought myself - in fact, I buy myself a piece every year.

For gifts, since you say you "don't own any other "real" jewelry", you can ask for a more modest gift of jewelry for Christmas or your birthday, and show your appreciation for what he gives you? This might sow the seed of the idea that giving you jewelry is a Good Thing.

Lastly...next time he says diamonds are "just rocks"...tell him that they're actually crystals! It's true!

 

[AggieTexan]

I''m in the process of upgrading, but it''s for my 20th, not my 10th. I probably started planting the upgrade seeds 3-4 years ago. My husband is on board because he agrees that we got a lot of good years out of my original ring which was all we could afford at the time. It''s still a pretty ring, but it''s chunky and outdated. I''ll probably keep the center stone (.86 pear) and have a pendant made, so I''m keeping my engagement diamond, it''s just going to have an extreme makeover and live a new life around my neck! You might try suggesting that if your husband is against you not keeping your original stone.

 

[diamondfan]

Welcome to PS! And congrats on your upcoming anniversary too.

I think some guys get the upgrade notion and some do not. Those that do not need a bit of convincing. It sounds like you really have thought this out and have your priorities in order and maybe you can just go out to a nice dinner and bring it up. Timing is everything, so make sure he is in a receptive mood. If he says they are just rocks, say, yes, but I like them. You can come up with a counter point for every point he makes, and you know your financial situation, so if you think you can swing it, you just need to really be open about it. I would keep your pear and make a pendant or something, and someday, you can give it to one of your daughters...I have three sons and I always think about my future daughter in laws or granddaughters.

I was married with a 1.5 carat round, in a setting I really disliked. We then moved to the east coast from L.A. and I started to think about our 10th and upgrading. I was very vocal about it and got the most beautiful three stone ring from Tiffany''s, a three carat emerald cut with a carat on each side, all E/VVS1. I kept my first stone, and mounted it into a lovely pendant that I can wear every day. I wore it for 5 years, and as we were coming up on our 15th and my 40th birthday I decided I wanted to go bigger. This time we traded in the stone back to Tiffany''s. I never thought he would agree, but I did work on him a lot. I am not saying be totally pushy, but you must make clear what you want and be willing to bring it up more than once!

 

[neatfreak]

Well, I can''t offer any REAL advice because I am just about to get married and my FI now loves to buy me jewelry and HE is even talking about the "big" upgrade I will get someday. I think he might get more pleasure out of it than me, hehe.

BUT, in your case, it really sounds like your man is very sentimental. Is it possible that he would be more receptive if you didn''t call it an "upgrade"? Upgrade to many men sounds like what they have already provided you isn''t enough. Try asking for a fabulous RHR or a new "anniversary ring". All really are the same thing, but it doesn''t make then men feel as if what they worked so hard to give you years ago isn''t enough.

Just a thought...Good luck!

 

[Independent Gal]

Hmmm... if your hubby gets really offended that you would want to trade in the ring he gave you, then perhaps you should be thinking about an RHR instead. IS it really worth hurting his feelings to upgrade your engagement stone? He might well be more ammenable to getting you an anniversary RHR if it wasn't tied up with the feelings he has about you wanting to get rid of the gift that he gave you which, to him, symbolizes his promise to marry you and is probably MORE than just a 'rock' to him, y'know? So instead of an upgrade (which he might think suggests that there was something substandard about his original gift to you), you could ask for an anniversary ring.

If you think the issue is money, then I agree with EAC that you might consider going out and earning the money yourself, once your kids are in school. You could work part time even. I buy almost all my own jewelry, and I hope it stays that way, because I get a kick out of knowing I'm not dependent on any man to give me the things that I want. (But then again, my name on here is Indy Gal!). If you earn your own money, you can do what you want with it.

All that said, try to emphasize how it will be something you can give to your daughters some day or pass along to future grandchildren... That kind of thing. So it's less about 'I wanna be more blinged out!' and more about 'Let's create heirlooms for our children'. He may respond better to that?


ETA: Not that there's anything at all wrong with 'I wanna be more blinged out!'

I personally ALWAYS wanna be more blinged out.

Just a matter of marketing to the hubby is all.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

I did not get my new rings until the 30th anniversary, but I can understand the desire for a new ring. I would also approach the idea as an anniversary set, which is not a replacement of the old set...just an additional set. I kept my old set, but I really do not wear it anymore. But for sentimental reasons, I do still have it. You do have to be direct and tell him this is your dream 10th anniversary gift. I''d pick out the stone and the setting to make it really easy for him. I am not terribly materialistic either, but I also just really like my wedding set to be special since that is the one thing I wear all the time. Just change your term to anniversary rings and maybe he will adjust to the idea!

 

[tulip928]

Lucky you - a 1 ct. diamond ering is pretty nice. Maybe a beautiful reset at 10 years would go down easier for now with your husband. I''ve seen some gorgeous pear halos on Pricescope.....

 

[surfgirl]

Date: 8/9/2007 5:19:12 AM
Author: eac
Well... okay, here''s another question about your husband and yourself: is he, and are you, from a ''jewelry family''? One where the women wear quality jewelry, and receive jewelry as gifts, and inherit jewelry from relatives? Is your family a ''jewelry family''? I have learned that this can be one of those things, like eating family-style versus serving food in the kitchen, that impacts our attitudes towards certain things. My sister-in-law''s family wasn''t a ''jewelry family'' and she was just blown away by the jewelry my brother and myself gave her during their marriage. My father showered my mother with jewelry - even when they were on the cusp of divorce. Now she is with another man who is from a different background, and he''s never given her jewelry, ever, but she is 1000% happier with him, because he treats her kindly.


Being from a ''jewelry family'', the next time I get married, you bet I''d like to have my dream ring as an engagement ring! But because of where I live (New Zealand) I know that my partner might not be the one to give me my dream ring, because of cultural differences about jewelry here. (And, you know, I''d like a partner who was thrifty and responsible with money!) It''s a romantic dream of mine, even as I face up to reality.


Possible solutions for you:


Why is this all about your husband giving it to you, after he''s given you an engagement ring and expressed strong negative opinions about an upgrade? You could earn the money for it yourself, and buy it yourself. If not now (three young kids!) in the future? I get a lot of satisfaction out of the jewelry I have bought myself - in fact, I buy myself a piece every year.


For gifts, since you say you ''don''t own any other ''real'' jewelry'', you can ask for a more modest gift of jewelry for Christmas or your birthday, and show your appreciation for what he gives you? This might sow the seed of the idea that giving you jewelry is a Good Thing.


Lastly...next time he says diamonds are ''just rocks''...tell him that they''re actually crystals! It''s true!

I dont really have any good advice to give, though I agree with the ladies that said calling it an anniversary ring, rather than an upgrade will probably sit better with your husband..And IF he was okay with you re-setting your ering stone into a pendant, great, but if not then it seems like anniversary RHR is the better approach for him. Also, you could maybe make an agreement that for all bdays and holidays where he gives you a gift, he starts making a deposit into a "future anniversary ring" account?

But I did want to comment on the above post. I never thought of it that way but I definitely come from a "jewelry family", I just never thought about it that way before. I know my FI gets my love of jewelry and for that, I am grateful! Thanks eac, for getting me to think this morning

 

[Stone Hunter]

Date: 8/9/2007 3:07:06 AM
Author:3shebabes
So I may want something totally frivolous and unnecessary like a larger diamond -- but in other areas of life, I feel like I haven't been a big-spender. Cars depreciate, clothes go out of style, but something like this I feel I would enjoy for the rest of my life. So - my question is...am I awful to want this? Am I being selfish to ask him for this? ( I actually haven't asked, just hinted, but it hasn't gotten me very far...) How did some of you who have asked for upgrades (and gotten them) approach the subject with your significant others? How did they take it? Did you feel guilty or greedy? Did you ask for/discuss a 'budget' for it?

Well I do totally understand how you feel. I have felt all of those feelings. BUT I am very happy that I got a new ring for my 15th Anniversary.

I would call it an Anniversary ring not an upgrade -- upgrade may have some negative connotations. I would also try to as another PSer said plant the seeds and then water them. It may take quite a while!

He thinks diamonds are "just rocks" and doesn't have any expensive hobbies that you can compare diamonds to? And from his point of view (and reality) he did get you a very nice sizable diamond for an ering. Maybe he really stretched his income/savings to do that back then? DO NOT say anything negative about your current ering!!!!

So try to explain that "rocks" are your thing and that that's where you'd like to spend your "fun money."

ETA: I see others mentioned the "anniversary ring" term. Def use it!

Also a 2/2.5 ct OVAL will be way bigger looking than what you have now! What do other people in your social circle have? That may be part of his discomfort! He may feel that you're just "going over the top!"

 

[WorkingHardforSmallRewards]

well, I just got engaged but I want to join in anyway, for whatever my theoretical wondering and imagination are worth.

I was first wondering if he really is VERY sentimentally attached to the Ering or not. Somehow I doubt it. The fact the he said "I would never upgrade MY ring" when he is known NOT to be a jewelry fanatic and, in fact, would probably never upgrade his ring no matter how little sentimental value it had, demonstrates to me that he was probably just saying something that he expected YOU to feel, and not necessarily something that he had VERY strong feeling for himself. If he were, in fact, extremely attached to the Ering, I imagine he would have said, "you want to get rid of the ring I proposed to you with?" or soemthing else somewhat more direct and clearly hurt/offended. OBVIOUSLY he doesn't want to upgrade HIS ring, if it weren't for the sentimental attachment he feels for it he probably wouldn't wear any ring, so an upgrade would be totally pointless and is a pretty weak connection for him to make, which may well represent somewhat less than extreme emotional connections to your ring.

I also feel that the fact that he called a 5ct diamond "just a rock" when he saw how excited you were indicates the the real reason he bought you your 1ct diamond was for cultural and societal reasons anyway, not necessarily because he put value in the ring and diamond himself, but more so because it was expected and it is, honestly, the only way for a man to pop the question these days. To propose without a diamond is like going to church with no briches on. Just isn't happening.

This is further indicated by the fact that he got you quite an extravagant diamond to begin with, though he clearly isn't the type to be so extravagant on his own with a wedding still to plan and pay for, yet he met what society would consider a "magic" number, with "magic" color and "magic" clarity grades, even though he himself doesn't care for any of that himself. Why do you think he met those requirements at the beginning? not for himself obviously, but rather for society and for the demands of the occasion, and that being his real motivator it would not make sense for him to have extreme attachments to the ring, especially when considering his "just a rock" attitude.

Thus one very real strategy would be to expose him to the idea that society suggest that 10 year anniversary's approve of, and even recommend, diamond ering upgrades. If he learns that it is the accepted and/or appropriate martial task I doubt he would reject it--assuming your finances are as good as I assume they must be (if he could afford that diamond 10 years ago and makes 8 times that now...well, thats a pretty nice situation).

Also, he must realize that college is not going to be "saved up for" assuming your wealth is what I imagine your 3 daughters are probably, by the time they get to college, going to be going through 600,000 dollars worth of education, or something along those lines. So given that, your 2ct purchase is really insignificant in the grand scheme, something I am sure he knows.

also, I strongly agree with avoiding the word upgrade, and rather emphasizing the traditional and classical celebration of a benchmark of your union with something that the world will understand and that is breathtaking to you.

Finally, GET A VEHICLE UPGRADE. from all of the mechanics I have spoken with while my parents dodge caravan was in the shop, the dodge caravans are absolutely one of the most notorious and poorly built vehicles on the road. Our family mechanic told me several times that he sees some 5times as many of them in the shops as anything else (hopefully our van coming into the shop so frequently wasn't skewing his numbers though), all kinds of problems! get those kids into a more modern vehicle that won't break down and most importantly, can really keep them safe in different environmental conditions and impacts! If yours is used I doubt it has anywhere near the appropriate technology for van carrying that precious cargo--yourself included, and even if you do have basics like side-airbags, those are essentially useless unless they have sensors to set them off in partial side collisions, penetrations, and during rolls--which is when they would be most needed. So def, while modesty is great, get a new vehicle before you get the diamond!

 

[WorkingHardforSmallRewards]

Date: 8/9/2007 11:50:42 AM
Author: Stone Hunter

Date: 8/9/2007 3:07:06 AM

Author:3shebabes


He may feel that you''re just ''going over the top!''

I SERIOUSLY doubt that. I don''t know how it is for you ladies, but it is perfectly normal for us guys, even after proposing, to go through life having no idea what a single one of our woman''s friends ct weight is. It takes a decision to notice the bling on a woman''s finger rather than other things that can be observed about a woman (not even perverted things, but simply the eyes and face or whatever) and so it is perfectly normal for us guys to go through life never seeing a single ring other than our own woman''s. I really doubt he has any idea what the current social average is

. I know before 6 months ago I can not remember ever noticing a woman''s ring.

 

[angel_nieves]

Congrats on you anniversary and welcome to pricescope!

I think your husband is very sentimental about the ring he chose a good clarity and color and takes great pride in the ring he gave you. However as a woman I understand the want of a bigger e ring. As stated before talk to him about an rhr or tell him you like to have the current stone reset in to a pendant so it is closer to your heart?
My first time married to my hubby he had no problem with me upgrading my ring however our second time married his mother helped pick out the ring and there will be no up grading. However I am going to changing the setting one day.
Good luck in what ever happens.

 

[chrono]

Date: 8/9/2007 12:14:18 PM
Author: WorkingHardforSmallRewards
I also feel that the fact that he called a 5ct diamond 'just a rock' when he saw how excited you were indicates the the real reason he bought you your 1ct diamond was for cultural and societal reasons anyway, not necessarily because he put value in the ring and diamond himself, but more so because it was expected and it is, honestly, the only way for a man to pop the question these days. To propose without a diamond is like going to church with no briches on. Just isn't happening.
My father is just the very same; he thinks that a diamond looks just like a clear crystal rock that one finds by the roadside. Some men just view diamonds very differently, that's all.

Thus one very real strategy would be to expose him to the idea that society suggest that 10 year anniversary's approve of, and even recommend, diamond ering upgrades. If he learns that it is the accepted and/or appropriate martial task I doubt he would reject it--assuming your finances are as good as I assume they must be (if he could afford that diamond 10 years ago and makes 8 times that now...well, thats a pretty nice situation).
I like this suggestion. This is what prompted my father to get my mother a diamond RHR, my hubby to get me a sapphire pendant for my 10 year anniversary and other "push presents".

 

[jayreneepea]

I was in the same boat as you at about 9 years of marriage with a 1ct pear shape. I dropped every hint possible trying to get him ready for 10 years. If he heard me, he didn't understand me and 10 years came and went. My friends all kept telling me to TELL HIM what I wanted, but I didn't want to ask for a new ring, I wanted him to want to give me a new ring. I finally came to realise that he didn't want to buy me a new ring, but I was pretty sure he would if I just asked. So, I finally started wording things differently as Lorelei suggested and started talking about when I got a new diamond. At first I would talk about the different settings that would look good for my original pear to wear on my right hand, then I started talking about what shape stone I would love to have for my left hand and how big would look good on my hand. It wasn't smoothe sailing, there were defintely times I felt guilty for wanting something so frivolous and there were times he didn't want to deal with the situation or hear about it again -- choose your words and timing very carefully, it's a process. When it was all said and done, he (we) decided to upgrade my ring for my 40th birthday and 12 years of marriage. He was very happy to be doing so and you could see how happy he was to see how happy I was. However, I will say that if he could have gotten away with NOT spending money on a new ring, he would have. But, he was willing to do it for me since he new it was important to me.

Btw, he was in no way sentimental towards my original pear (that we picked out together) he just didn't think he ever had to buy another. Now he say's, "Can you wait 5 years before we talk about another upgrade?" LOL

 

[chiefneil]

From a guy''s perspective... I''d say first drop $10,000 into a 529 college savings plan for each of your kids (total of 30k). Make the maximum contribution for the year to your IRA or 401(k). Buy a newer, safer car. Make a prepayment on your mortgage equivalent to 12 months worth of principle payments. Then if you still have a comfortable cash cushion of at least 6 months worth of living expenses, tell your hubby you want some jewelry since everything else is squared away. Alternatively, wait until you go back to work and put your paycheck aside for the purchase

 

[BriBee]

I agree with Independant Gal about considering a RHR. Have you thought about getting a beautiful 3 stone ring that could represent your 3 beautiful girls?

Then you could take the angle that one day you''ll give each of them a diamond from the ring or something sentimental like that. I think that a RHR is the way to go because you get a gorgeous piece of jewelry without forsaking the sentimental value that your original ring holds for your husband. Good luck on this though, and be sure to keep us posted. I''m lucky enough to be with a guy who doesn''t care much about jewelry and lets me make all the decisions. So when I''m ready to upgrade, it''ll be up to me and the finances.

 

[Joolskie]

2she... I was you a year ago. DH and I celebrated our 10th anniversary last October. And while I did not want an upgrade to my e-ring... I was really hoping to upgrade my plain wedding band. With a SPARKLY wedding band. LOL! So, I hinted. And from that experience, I learned to just tell the man what I would like.

Our anniversary came and went with no sparklies. Eventually, I just went out shopping for myself and found a lovely eternity band. Well, the eternity band "wrote" a letter to my husband saying how much it loved meeting me and how much it would like to be resized to a 7.5 so that it could come home and live with us. The ring also let my husband know that it was on sale. Okay, the ring also let my husband know how great it would look when worn with just a black lace thong. LOL!

(I am a professional writer, so this was actually amusing)

So, I left it at that. And on Christmas day, DH presented me with a very special gift. Would you believe it was the exact same band?!?!?!??! LOLOLOLOLOL!!!!! Oddly enough, I wear it on my right hand. For whatever reason, I still like the look of an e-ring with plain band. Go figure.

Anyway, my point here is just tell the man what you would like. If he is not comfortable changing your original stone, consider a kickin' RHR or an eternity band. And if necessary, mention thong underwear.

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 8/9/2007 3:57:49 PM
Author: Joolskie
2she... I was you a year ago. DH and I celebrated our 10th anniversary last October. And while I did not want an upgrade to my e-ring... I was really hoping to upgrade my plain wedding band. With a SPARKLY wedding band. LOL! So, I hinted. And from that experience, I learned to just tell the man what I would like.

Our anniversary came and went with no sparklies. Eventually, I just went out shopping for myself and found a lovely eternity band. Well, the eternity band ''wrote'' a letter to my husband saying how much it loved meeting me and how much it would like to be resized to a 7.5 so that it could come home and live with us. The ring also let my husband know that it was on sale. Okay, the ring also let my husband know how great it would look when worn with just a black lace thong. LOL!

(I am a professional writer, so this was actually amusing)

So, I left it at that. And on Christmas day, DH presented me with a very special gift. Would you believe it was the exact same band?!?!?!??! LOLOLOLOLOL!!!!! Oddly enough, I wear it on my right hand. For whatever reason, I still like the look of an e-ring with plain band. Go figure.

Anyway, my point here is just tell the man what you would like. If he is not comfortable changing your original stone, consider a kickin'' RHR or an eternity band. And if necessary, mention thong underwear.

Hahaha-that''s hilarious, Joolskie! I''m going to keep the black lace thong hint in mind!

I agree with what Joolskie and some other ladies have said-just straight up tell him! And talk about "when" you get your ring. I also wouldn''t call it an upgrade, just a tenth anniversary ring, to make it even more obvious that that''s what you''re getting!

You can also tell him you want to reset your pear into a pendant, and to up the ante a bit, say that''s so your original diamond can be close to your heart!

I mean, you''ve had three kids and you stay at home and take care of them-you''ve certainly earned an upgrade!

 

[Fly Girl]

I got my diamond ring upgrade for our 25th anniversary. By this time I had been unable to wear my original wedding set for the past 13 years, due to enlarged knuckles after having the kids. He had gained enough weight that he could no longer wear his original wedding band. We got him a diamond w-ring upgrade for our 17th wedding anniversary. Men didn''t wear diamonds when we got married, and he decided he wanted some sparkle. It was o.k. with me! Then I got a big bonus at work. So everything came together for us.

I really don''t know how you can speed things up to get a nice 10th anniversary gift. Obviously, I wasn''t too good at doing that myself. Those kids and saving for college did come first.

A new diamond ring says that you have come a long ways financially. And you have. But a 1 ct e-ring is a very nice sized ring. I would concur that you should keep that ring and go for a nice RHR as an anniversary gift. My hubby is into math, and he likes special gifts on prime number anniversaries. So, don''t forget that the new RHR could be for your 11th or 13th anniversary, just as well.

Good luck, and welcome to PS!

 

[WorkingHardforSmallRewards]

well don''t forget about us at PS, let us know what is happening.

Also, I wanted to say that I am very opposed to the idea of saying you want to put the ring into a pendant "so it can be close to your heart." If he ask you what you will do with it, you could give out several suggestions, even keeping it as a ring that you switch out between the two sometimes, and just say you aren''t sure yet because it does mean a whole lot to you. If my fiance/wife ever said something so blatantly intended to win me over as to pretend like the real reason was to have it "close to her heart" it would just make me really angry and irritated with her. I mean, its not going to fool him you know? It almost sounds to me like "ugh, get this diamond off my finger and just put it in a necklace or something so I don''t have to look at it anymore" even if the pendant would be beautiful, don''t try to trick him like that, so blatantly, as I really can''t imagine it doing anything to help with me at least.

 

[mrssalvo]

I think a nice dinner bringing up the subject is a good idea. A little wine involved can always help too

. I also think calling it an anniversary ring is a great idea since he is sentimental about your original set. If he brings up not wanting a new ring himself, you can always tell him you''d be happy to buy him a new anniversary ring too and he can have diamonds in it if he wants. Some guys are more sentimenal with the wedding set. my hubby isn''t really one of them and was fine with the idea of my upgrade. however, due to the amount we''re spending I''ve got to keep it for a looooong time. I think if your honest with your hubby, telling him that this is something that really is important to you, he''ll be understanding and hopefully even excited that you''re helping him with you 10 year anniversay gift

 

[diamondfan]

Yes, call it an anni ring, and slowly but surely start wearing it more and then switch hands all together, your original ring can stay in tact or become a pendant, just do it in baby steps!

 

[3shebabes]

Hey everyone! Testing my "reply" function -- sent a LONG reply to many of your questions earlier and I have no idea where it went! Testing...1....2....3!

 

[3shebabes]

WOW! What a lot of great (and funny) responses -- and lots for me to consider, also! I will respond to a few of your questions to help fill in some of the "blanks" about my situation: Yes, I do think I came from a "jewelry family" in as much as I recall my Dad surprising my Mom with a new diamond ring (10th or 15th anniversary?) and it was triple the size of her original - and completely his idea. Later, I remember him pulling me aside a week before Christmas when I was 15 to show me a sapphire/diamond ring he''d bought her and my response was " It looks just like Princess Diana''s!" (Yes, I''m THAT old - I am 41!) Again, it was Dad''s idea and even though I wouldn''t have chosen sapphires for Mom (she wasn''t a "blue" person) - she loved it and was touched that he did it on his own. I also received a few nice rings for special birthdays (my 16th and 21st) from my parents, pearls and diamond earrings from grandparents, etc. My socio-economic upbringing was vastly different from my hubby''s -- his family life was happy but they struggled financially in a big way. My husband is the first in his family to graduate from college or achieve any financial success to speak of - and sometimes I think his reluctance to spend money on frivolous things stems from that. He likes to play it safe and I appreciate that. His family history does not include any sweet jewelry stories like mine does.

I really like the suggestion several of you gave me -- to stop referring to it as an "upgrade". ..but instead call it an anniversary ring. In an earlier conversation, I did tell him that with 3 daughters, I could wear my pear in another piece of jewelry and I know eventually it could make one of my daughters happy -- or could be offered up as an engagement diamond to be reset should one of my 3 daughters marry a starving artist or even a grad student!

I do need some terminology help! Several of you mentioned that I should consider an RHR (or was it an HRH?) I have no clue what that means. What am I missing? Please fill me in.

Anyway, I have thought about resetting my pear - possibly in a halo setting though I have tried a few on, think they''re beautiful and elegant - but so far I like them better on other hands than on mine. Not sure why. I may still opt for the new setting/set and could splurge on a pretty spiffy one and still have spent tons less than I would on just the upgraded stone itself ---- this I realize, but every time I go out looking, I just get drawn in by the larger stones...I can''t help it!

I received some funny ideas (especially from Joolskie - is that spelled right?) -- it is obvious you have writing talents and your black thong idea is the best! Wish I thought the sight of me in a thong could actually get me somewhere!

THOUGH I WILL SAY in my "defense" - I just lost 20 pounds -- but at 41, and after 3 pregnancies, I''m afraid my hubby might suddenly suggest that we spend the money on a tummy tuck instead! -- Actually, I am completely kidding, as my husband is nothing but complimentary of me in that department. I''m just being silly -- but I like the way you think, Joolskie!

In response to some of my obviously male respondents... so far - my Dodge Caravan has served me well - but I guess I shouldn''t jinx it by saying that. I appreciate the advice about its safety shortcomings though --definitely need to consider that. Thank you. As for the 529 plan advice, that was done for each daughter 4 years ago and money is automatically drawn out of our account monthly for those deposits, we have been maxing out our 401K contributions for at least 5 years now (and contributing to them, if not maxing them, for much, much longer than that) and my husband has been padding the house payments for several years now in order to pay down the principal, we owe nothing on credit cards (though we do have car payments, though not large ones) and we have decent savings beyond that as well. Six months living expenses saved? Maybe we''re not quite there - and I know you''re right about that --so maybe you got me on that one! But I guess my point is that we are in decent financial shape, certainly better than average I''d say, and we have been living a financially responsible life together. I think maybe a large jewelry purchase, in my hubby''s eyes, sort of flies in the face of all of that or he feels it would "ruin" all of his efforts in that area. As much as I drool over the idea of a new ring, I understand that way of thinking. I honestly do.

Let me also add that several years ago we were on the verge of building a custom house. We have a roomy house in a great neighborhood, but as an Interior Design major, I had always wanted to design my own house and so I basically did. Our current house is a good solid one, but I love homes with custom detail (who doesn''t?) and architectural pizazz - which our home does not have. We worked with a builder, worked with a bank, and I did heaps of research,bought the land (a few acres)... and even though my husband seemed to be "into" the idea - one day he admitted that even though on paper we looked perfectly capable of it, he worried that he wouldn''t sleep well at night with such a large increase in our house payment -- and that he never wanted his kids to feel the stress he felt watching his parents worry about house payments and bills and that he''d rather live more comfortably in our current house and be able to afford nice "extras" (maybe that''s where this upgrade idea originally sprang from!). I had literally poured myself into the plans for about 2 years, but I knew by the look on his face that he really meant what he said and I told him "Let''s don''t do it." And we didn''t, and I dropped it, and I think we''ll stay put for the long haul in our home. So, as "greedy" and materialistic as my upgrade dreams may make me seem, I really do love my husband and don''t want him to be uncomfortable with any money decisions we make. I may have mentioned before though that if I was hinting for a luxurious SUV he''d probably be anxious to look at them, might possibly give in and buy one - because to him ( and probably to many men) at least with a car, you get something that does something....as opposed to a diamond that just sits there, looking pretty. So to me -- I don''t think his issue is the money as much as the fact that he doesn''t quite "get" the thrill or purpose of what that money would buy.

Some of you asked what kinds of rings my friends sport -- and that is a good question. The answer is that my larger circle of friends have very varied diamond sizes/styles. I''d say mine is on the high end of the average range among most of my friends...but I have many friends who aren''t into diamonds and probably would rather spend the money on vacations or whatever...but among my 3 closest pals..it is interesting. One has a husband who makes an absolute fortune and received a MAJOR LEAGUE honker of an upgrade for her anniversary a few years ago ( from a 1 carat stone to something like a 4.5 carat one - and she never dropped even one hint she says), another one had a teeny-weeny e-ring for 15 years - but 2 years ago inherited a beautiful stone (maybe 1.5 carats) from her husband''s grandmother who passed away & they had it reset and she loves it, and my other closest pal has nothing. After 15 years of marriage, 4 kids, and 2 dogs...still no ring. He told her when they got married that he''d rather wait to buy her a "nicer" ring later and she was fine with that - but that ring has never appeared. Strangely though, he tells her they never can afford it, but somehow he can always find the money for expensive things he really wants. ( I know it isn''t ANY of my business, but it does kinda bug me.) I even had a casual, unplanned chat with him a few years ago and told him if he ever wanted to buy her a diamond, I''d be happy to help him look for one ( and I know what she''d like..I really, really do because she told me what she''d choose if the day ever came) and I told him I could help him find the best one possible with any budget in mind and he was nice about it but informed me that things like diamond rings didn''t matter to her. I disagreed with him and told him I thought it would mean the world to her but he said he knew she was too practical for that way of thinking. I wasn''t trying to be obnoxious or pushy...I just wanted to pass a hint his way but he didn''t take the hint then and still hasn''t. -- So, if I ever did get a new diamond from my husband, that would be the only not-so-fun part...the fact that my close friend would see it and feel even worse about her naked ring finger. At one point, she bought herself a nice CZ set in white gold, which was pretty and she said she liked "looking married" for once. But because she admitted to anyone who commented on it that it was not real, her husband asked her to stop wearing it because when she told people it was fake, it made him feel like a loser. And so she did. UGH!

Anyway--my post is way, way too long. I obviously have a touch of insomnia (as I often do when my husband is on business trips...as I get a bit "spooked" at night and can''t sleep.) -- If you''ve read my whole post, thanks for hanging in there with me.

Anyone else have any more ideas on how to handle it with my husband? Or any stories about discussing a "budget" for such a purchase? Please, share!

Thanks, everyone!

 

[surfgirl]

well, I''m up late so let me answer your RHR query..It stands for Right Hand Ring and its DeBeers newest marketing campaign to get women to wear more diamonds! But I think in your case Anniversary Ring is the way to go. I think if you really can afford it, figure out what you can really afford and talk to him and explain how much it would mean to you to be able to celebrate your 10th anniversary and your children with an Anniversary ring. That it will be something you wear everyday to remind you of the last 10 wonderful years you''ve shared together. I''d also explain to him that it''s okay if he doesn''t get it, but to you, jewelry is a very special way to mark special/important life events. Yeah, that''s it, I like that! Good luck.

 

[WorkingHardforSmallRewards]

well it sounds like he owes you and basically committed to it when he canceled the house plans. Thats for sure.


Also, tell that woman to go put back on her damned CZ, but keep it on a different finger, then tell her to stress that fact that not only is it CZ but when people comment make sure she stresses, "yes, I am still waiting for my husband to by my real Ering, I know he is saving up for a real beauty! my dream ring! I am so excited! so for now I am just wearing this CZ until he feels we have enough money for my real one" tell her not to back down! DO IT!!!! that will suddenly make the point of the ring very very very clear to him, and suddenly worth a tremendous amount of money, as she was seeing happen before in his reaction! I say if he is going to play dirty, she better join the game

!

 

[eac]

Date: 8/10/2007 3:00:52 AM
Author: surfgirl
I'd also explain to him that it's okay if he doesn't get it, but to you, jewelry is a very special way to mark special/important life events. Yeah, that's it, I like that! Good luck.

And when you say that, explain by telling him the stories you told us about jewelry in your family. They were really sweet! And that will help him understand what this means to you, and why it is meaningful for you. You do have really big differences in your backgrounds about the "jewelry family" thing.

Then again, he could expect you to inherit your mother's nice pieces. Or turn around and give nice jewelry to...his mother, who never had it. Whatever he decides, he sounds like the kind of guy who will appreciate a straightforward approach, and you have more to gain by being honest and open.

I do notice that the advice to earn the money for it yourself didn't seem to ring your chimes. But it would be the way to definitely get what you want, and it would probably make a good impression on your husband.

 

[3shebabes]

Hello fellow late-nighters: surfgirl, workinghardforsmallrewards and eac!

Thank you again for your input! As for you, "Workinghard" -- your post cracked me up. You seemed quite riled up --and for good reason. I agree with everything you said! And I will likely pass it on to her!

Eac, I actually failed to comment on earning the $ myself -- I meant to. I guess I didn''t have a great answer for that other than to say that I''d love to think I could do that!! Since I left work 8 years ago to be at home as a Mom, the most $$ I have personally scraped together at one time on my own was through a small ebay phase I went through. I actually did that to scrape together money (that I had earned myself that he knew nothing about) to throw a surprise 40th bday party for my hubby and about 100 of his "closest" friends. I made about $1200 in 6 weeks during my ebay "adventure" and spent every dime on his fun party, which he loved.

When my "baby" goes to school NEXT year I plan to head back to paid work in some capacity. Not sure what I will be doing though -- need to start thinking more about that I suppose. I have never earned very much in my work history, but since my husband covers what we need to live on and then some, anything I earn could be saved toward college costs, retirement or whatever...and after what will then be a total of 9 years away from the work force, I think I will enjoy contributing again to the "bottom line". Maybe I need to remind my hubby that in the not-so-distant future, I should be helping with the finances a bit. I think it seems so long to him since I worked for actual income, he assumes once our baby jaunts off to kindergarten next fall, I will spend my days reclining on the sofa, eating Godiva chocolates and catching up on daytime TV. Ha! The last 8 years I have been at home have been GREAT and I am truly grateful that it was an option for us, but they have been exhausting, too!

Anyway, I enjoyed reading your middle-of-the-night posts! Thanks!