giving up my asscher

[Kaleigh]

It''s a nice offer and all. BUT this is from your FFIL''s girlfriend.. What if they break up, wouldn''t she want her pear back?? It is a unique situation, but to me, I wouldn''t feel right about accepting a stone from the GF. Maybe that''s just me, but that''s how I see it. I''d stick with the asscher from your FF.

 

[Apsara]

Get your own diamond. Period.*

*This assumes that, as stated, buying the original diamond is not a financial issue. Even if it was, I''d rather have a plain gold band than someone else''s diamond. Plus I agree with others here that it could elad to issues down the line. Just my .02.

 

[joflier]

Go with what you really want.....maybe would be a different story if it was your own mother or grandmothers stone.....If you can get your dream diamond - you go for it girl!

 

[Ninama]

Date: 12/10/2007 9:40:00 PM
Author: Kaleigh
It''s a nice offer and all. BUT this is from your FFIL''s girlfriend.. What if they break up, wouldn''t she want her pear back?? It is a unique situation, but to me, I wouldn''t feel right about accepting a stone from the GF. Maybe that''s just me, but that''s how I see it. I''d stick with the asscher from your FF.

*eesh*....that could be a squirmer.

 

[Diamond*Dana]

Date: 12/10/2007 9:40:00 PM
Author: Kaleigh
It''s a nice offer and all. BUT this is from your FFIL''s girlfriend.. What if they break up, wouldn''t she want her pear back?? It is a unique situation, but to me, I wouldn''t feel right about accepting a stone from the GF. Maybe that''s just me, but that''s how I see it. I''d stick with the asscher from your FF.

This is my first thought as well...that might be a very uncomfortable situation. If it was from FMIL I could understand it a bit more. I am not sure what I would do in this situation. If you don''t see any problem with a break up/messy situation, then I would probably go with the pear now and the bigger asscher later...but I am a pear girl, so I may be a bit biased

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 12/10/2007 8:12:57 PM
Author:sparkleandshine
Out of nowhere, my boyfriend''s dad''s girlfriend offered us her diamond from her ex-husband. (weird, i know)

You see it IS WEIRD. I would not feel comfortable accepting a gift from someone I hardly know & who isn''t even (yet?) related to either of you!

Honestly, I think she''s using this as leverage to get her hands on that BIG CUSHION. Using her surprising and some might say INAPPROPRIATE generosity to "cement" her position in the family, with your FF''s father.

I would not accept it. (And therefore not attempt to sell it

or use it to trade up

or anything along those lines

) Just thank her for her generous offer but say you don''t feel comfortable accepting such a personal gift at this juncture & that you''d prefer the ring be something special between your fiance & yourself ONLY.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 12/10/2007 10:01:41 PM
Author: decodelighted
I would not accept it. (And therefore not attempt to sell it

or use it to trade up

or anything along those lines

)

Yes, you are correct--I was wrong, those were unwise suggestions, to sell it or trade it in. A thousand apologies for my madness! *slinks off to bed*

 

[Gypsy]

Date: 12/10/2007 10:10:19 PM
Author: gwendolyn

Date: 12/10/2007 10:01:41 PM

Author: decodelighted

I would not accept it. (And therefore not attempt to sell it

or use it to trade up

or anything along those lines

)

Yes, you are correct

Yeah, I agree... I was only skimming before and failed to notice the connection was through some girlfriend person and so forth.

 

[risingsun]

I would thank her for her generous--if odd--offer and decline. Get the ring of your dreams, not her idea of what you might want. As far as what others think of your decision, just tell them you and FF wanted to start your new engagement with a ring chosen by both of you. If they don''t like it, then that''s their problem

 

[mrssalvo]

Date: 12/10/2007 10:01:41 PM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 12/10/2007 8:12:57 PM

Author:sparkleandshine

Out of nowhere, my boyfriend's dad's girlfriend offered us her diamond from her ex-husband. (weird, i know)

You see it IS WEIRD. I would not feel comfortable accepting a gift from someone I hardly know & who isn't even (yet?) related to either of you!


Honestly, I think she's using this as leverage to get her hands on that BIG CUSHION. Using her surprising and some might say INAPPROPRIATE generosity to 'cement' her position in the family, with your FF's father.


I would not accept it. (And therefore not attempt to sell it

or use it to trade up

or anything along those lines

) Just thank her for her generous offer but say you don't feel comfortable accepting such a personal gift at this juncture & that you'd prefer the ring be something special between your fiance & yourself ONLY.

ditto, ditto, ditto...please don't accept the stone. Have your boyfriend get you your own ring.

 

[designdreamr]

SparkleandShine-

Of course this is your decision and I only give my advice because you are asking... But I really, really think you should get the asscher. You deserve your own, special, one of a kind stone that has special meaning only to you and your BF. If your BF isn''t going into horrible debt over it and was prepared and more than willing to give you your hearts desire, let him. And as you''ve said, there is a sentimentality attached to it for you, as with so many people, so trading up or changing it altogether later will not be the same. I have so many diamonds that have come from relatives, but in the end, when it comes to my ER, I am going to want a stone that is just about me and mine.

If you think taking the pear would mean something special to your FFIL and his GF, then I think having it made into a pendant, or even a RHR, would be really nice- I can''t imagine anyone having an issue over that. As far as your friends and family go- I agree with the other poster (I can''t remember who right now!) that you''re here obviously because diamonds mean something special to you- the "outside" world (hehe) just does not understand us!!!

And as for the house, you can always save more money, trade up houses, etc, but the ring he proposes with is a one time special thing.

Get the asscher. I think that''s what your heart wants.

 

[waterlilly]

yes, definitely weird. i would discuss the idea that you don''t want a symbol of "forever" being handed down to you from a FAILED marriage of a potential family member! Every time you or anyone in your family sees that ring they are going to think (that is "so and so''s diamond") it will NEVER be YOUR diamond. Is that the "story" you want associated with a ring that is supposed to be a symbol of you and your fiance''s life long commitment? I''d be PO''d at the FIL''s girlfriend for even offering and infringing on your plans!
Anyway, just some thoughts your could bring up with your fiance if you are looking for a way out!

Also - I definitely agree - should not accept it to sell it or have it made into anything else...not cool.

 

[Kaleigh]

Wanted to add that you said you found the perfect asscher, or one of your dreams. They aren''t easy to come by. So I''d get it while the getting is good. A symbol between you and your FF. No one else need be involved.

Seriously. If you take the pear, you''ll be putting yourself in a precarious position down the road. Best to start off on firm footing.

 

[NeverEndingUpgrade]

If you decide to use the pear, set it in a 3-stone ring with pears, trilliants, or trapezoids. Elegant look!

If you decide to go with the Asscher, set it in a 3-stone ring with emerald cuts or radiants. Also elegant.

I think the pear diamond you are being offered sounds nice, but keep in mind that you will be the one wearing it. You have to please yourself. I suggest getting the diamond you WANT, because once you get married, have kids, a house, etc., sometimes luxury items like new diamonds and rings go by the wayside. I know because it has taken me 15 years to finally get a one carat diamond set in the platinum setting I want.

 

[upgrading mama]

Date: 12/10/2007 9:40:00 PM
Author: Kaleigh
It''s a nice offer and all. BUT this is from your FFIL''s girlfriend.. What if they break up, wouldn''t she want her pear back?? It is a unique situation, but to me, I wouldn''t feel right about accepting a stone from the GF. Maybe that''s just me, but that''s how I see it. I''d stick with the asscher from your FF.

Excellent point, Lisa. I agree...what if they break up and she wants it back, or whatever...
Unless they have been together for ages etc. I would maybe ask (after many, many sincere thanks for the gracious gift!) if you could keep it and make a pendant, that you would cherish dearly.

 

[iheartscience]

Definitely don''t take the pear. I personally wouldn''t want a "divorce diamond," as I like to call them, for my engagement ring. I know someone could have had my diamond before me or whatever but I don''t care! I''m superstitious and I attach a lot of symbolism to inanimate objects, not just my engagement ring.

My fiance''s mom offered him her 3 stone round diamond ring from her previous marriage when he told her he was getting ready to propose. It was a very sweet offer but I said "THANKS BUT NO THANKS!" to my fiance and that was the end of that! I did, of course, offer to take the ring off her hands and reset it into a necklace or RHR, but I don''t think my fiance passed that message along.

You don''t want a pear diamond to begin with (SO different from an asscher they may be direct opposites!), it belongs to your future FIL''s GIRLFRIEND, not even his wife, and you already have your asscher picked out! A no brainer situation, really, provided you have the money for the asscher, and it sounds like you do.

So...get the asscher and post pics here when your ring is done!

 

[ringster]

i think you should get your dream ring and not settle. even though your FF has said you can upgrade later, you never know what the future holds. you should start out with the ring you really want.

while it is nice that your FFIL''s gf offered you the diamond, i agree with the others who posted and felt that it is just kind of weird. if she would like to give it to you as a gift, maybe you can make a pendant as others have mentioned.

of course, the only caveat to not accepting the diamond is if getting your dream ering will cause your FF and/or you to go into debt.

 

[Jypsie]

Sparkle, I''m with Ellen on this one - you plan on getting engaged once to the right person. So, you will have one engagement ring... sure you can upgrade, change, etc the ring at some point down the road, but... no matter what, that first ring - is significant in what it stands for. When my husband and I got engaged he had no extra money, his mom was on disability, he had moved back home to help pay her bills, etc. He sold his drum kit to purchase me a ring (sweetest guy ever - drums have always been VERY important to him, it''s his "me time" hobby) he promised me that he would get me the one I want some day... but to this day, thought the quality of the diamond wasn''t great and the style was not what I would have picked, it is the most sentimental thing I have and I could never give it up.

Do you want your MILs ex husbands gift to her to be your engagement ring, especially if it''s not a style you would have selected or enjoy?

Maybe I''m selfish or snobby or something - but if he was willing before, and he''s still willing, I''d go with the asscher - if they still want to give you the other stone, have it made into a pendant or a RHR.

Hopefully all of this comes out the way I''m intending, I''m trying to pick my words carefully because this can really come out like I''m a queen b**ch - and really I''m not... ok sometimes I am... but right NOW I''m not. hehe

 

[susi]

Change the title of your thread......make it "keeping my asscher" and please post pics of your asscher e-ring for us!

You''ve been given great advice here, as is usual on PS.

 

[Joolskie]

Date: 12/10/2007 9:40:00 PM
Author: Kaleigh
It''s a nice offer and all. BUT this is from your FFIL''s girlfriend.. What if they break up, wouldn''t she want her pear back?? It is a unique situation, but to me, I wouldn''t feel right about accepting a stone from the GF. Maybe that''s just me, but that''s how I see it. I''d stick with the asscher from your FF.

DITTO on this! I would feel a bit awkward accepting a stone that came from my future father-in-law''s girlfriend''s previous relationship.

I would politely express gratitude for the generous offer and state that BF and I have decided to to select a stone/setting together. Something new to signify our life together. And then proceed with Plan A.

 

[Lorelei]

Date: 12/10/2007 10:01:41 PM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 12/10/2007 8:12:57 PM
Author:sparkleandshine
Out of nowhere, my boyfriend''s dad''s girlfriend offered us her diamond from her ex-husband. (weird, i know)

You see it IS WEIRD. I would not feel comfortable accepting a gift from someone I hardly know & who isn''t even (yet?) related to either of you!

Honestly, I think she''s using this as leverage to get her hands on that BIG CUSHION. Using her surprising and some might say INAPPROPRIATE generosity to ''cement'' her position in the family, with your FF''s father.

I would not accept it. (And therefore not attempt to sell it

or use it to trade up

or anything along those lines

) Just thank her for her generous offer but say you don''t feel comfortable accepting such a personal gift at this juncture & that you''d prefer the ring be something special between your fiance & yourself ONLY.

Big ditto, don''t accept the pear!

 

[Odilia]

Date: 12/10/2007 10:29:32 PM
Author: mrssalvo

Date: 12/10/2007 10:01:41 PM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 12/10/2007 8:12:57 PM

Author:sparkleandshine

Out of nowhere, my boyfriend''s dad''s girlfriend offered us her diamond from her ex-husband. (weird, i know)

You see it IS WEIRD. I would not feel comfortable accepting a gift from someone I hardly know & who isn''t even (yet?) related to either of you!


Honestly, I think she''s using this as leverage to get her hands on that BIG CUSHION. Using her surprising and some might say INAPPROPRIATE generosity to ''cement'' her position in the family, with your FF''s father.


I would not accept it. (And therefore not attempt to sell it

or use it to trade up

or anything along those lines

) Just thank her for her generous offer but say you don''t feel comfortable accepting such a personal gift at this juncture & that you''d prefer the ring be something special between your fiance & yourself ONLY.

ditto, ditto, ditto...please don''t accept the stone. Have your boyfriend get you your own ring.

Another ditto!

 

[vespergirl]

Well, I don''t think that you should take the pear, for 2 reasons.

First, your fi''s dad''s girlfriend is not legally part of the family, regardless of how long they have been together. I hope that they stay together forever, but if God forbid they break up, that puts you in a really bad position that you have her diamond, and then you may feel like it doesn''t really belong to you. I love the idea of heirloom family stones, but they should actually come from a member of the family, like his mother or grandmother.

Also, I know that I may be in the old-fashioned minority with this opinion, but an engagement ring is supposed to be a financial sacrifice on the man''s part - a symbol of what your relationship is worth to him & how he plans to take care of you financially. That doesn''t mean you need a 2 or 3 carat stone - the engagment ring for my 1st marriage cost $800 because we were just out of college & that''s what he could afford, but that was all of his extra savings after paying for our necesseties, and that symbolized that it was an important gift from him to me (instead of him using the money on himself or something).

Also, I''m sure the pear is beautiful, but it''s not what you would have picked for yourself. Get the asscher if that''s the stone of your dreams - that''s what an engagement ring is supposed to be.

 

[Odilia]

Date: 12/11/2007 10:50:26 AM
Author: vespergirl
Well, I don''t think that you should take the pear, for 2 reasons.

First, your fi''s dad''s girlfriend is not legally part of the family, regardless of how long they have been together. I hope that they stay together forever, but if God forbid they break up, that puts you in a really bad position that you have her diamond, and then you may feel like it doesn''t really belong to you. I love the idea of heirloom family stones, but they should actually come from a member of the family, like his mother or grandmother.

Also, I know that I may be in the old-fashioned minority with this opinion, but an engagement ring is supposed to be a financial sacrifice on the man''s part - a symbol of what your relationship is worth to him & how he plans to take care of you financially. That doesn''t mean you need a 2 or 3 carat stone - the engagment ring for my 1st marriage cost $800 because we were just out of college & that''s what he could afford, but that was all of his extra savings after paying for our necesseties, and that symbolized that it was an important gift from him to me (instead of him using the money on himself or something).

Also, I''m sure the pear is beautiful, but it''s not what you would have picked for yourself. Get the asscher if that''s the stone of your dreams - that''s what an engagement ring is supposed to be.

Ditto again..

 

[Ellen]

sparkle, I hope your absence is due to you being on the phone with GOG, working out the details!

 

[Lorelei]

Date: 12/11/2007 12:29:57 PM
Author: Ellen
sparkle, I hope your absence is due to you being on the phone with GOG, working out the details!

''Nother ditto!!

 

[MustangGal]

I guess I''ll take a different side on this...

If you can take the pear with no strings attached, then why not? For all you know the asscher could be a "divorce diamond" as well, it''s just a rock, doesn''t really matter where it''s been before. The amount that a 2ct asscher will cost you will go a long way towards a down payment. Real estate can be a much safer investment than diamonds anyway. By 30th, do you mean b-day or anniversary? If it''s not too far down the road to a bigger asscher, why not wait?

My mom lost her original diamond years ago, and her cousin offered a .25ct diamond from an ex as a replacement. She wore that one for 10 years, and is now giving it back since she upgraded.

I loved this set I had my old pear in. I sold it, but I kinda miss it. It was about 8.5mm by 6.5mm also.

 

[sparkleandshine]

Thank you all so much for your advice. You all said the things that I really felt, I was just trying to make everyone happy. Family dynamics are so complicated sometimes! Bottom line though, I would rather have my own 1 carat than a diamond that will always remind me of other people. Besides, what if I had traded up in the future, would I have had to give the pear back?? My FF and I had a long talk about it last night and I showed him all your posts to prove that I am not the only person out there who is super sentimental about diamonds. He understands where I am coming from and we will either find a very nice, appreciative way to give the diamond back, or have it set as a RHR. (It''s funny, when I think of the pear set as a RHR I am super excited, which tells me that it''s not about the pear, it''s wanting an engagement ring to be just about us)I will definitely be posting pictures of the asscher as soon as I get my hot little hands on it.

 

[Lorelei]

So glad you are getting your dream Asscher and the pear won''t be your e-ring! Excellent news and we will be eagerly awaiting pics!

 

[sparkleandshine]

Date: 12/11/2007 1:14:10 PM
Author: MustangGal
I guess I''ll take a different side on this...


If you can take the pear with no strings attached, then why not? For all you know the asscher could be a ''divorce diamond'' as well, it''s just a rock, doesn''t really matter where it''s been before. The amount that a 2ct asscher will cost you will go a long way towards a down payment. Real estate can be a much safer investment than diamonds anyway. By 30th, do you mean b-day or anniversary? If it''s not too far down the road to a bigger asscher, why not wait?


My mom lost her original diamond years ago, and her cousin offered a .25ct diamond from an ex as a replacement. She wore that one for 10 years, and is now giving it back since she upgraded.


I loved this set I had my old pear in. I sold it, but I kinda miss it. It was about 8.5mm by 6.5mm also.

That is a beautiful pear! The shape actually looks a lot like the one I was given. He said 30th b-day...which is only 3 years away, but realistically we will probably be starting a family and upgrading to a larger house at that same time. Diamonds won''t be my first priority. Also, it''s really important to me to always have the diamond that he proposed with...if I had to give the pear back after an upgrade I would be very sad. I think ultimately an engagement diamond is supposed to be more than just an accessory.