Future in-laws are acting up

[Linda W]

Harriet, now I am really worried about you. If you are out on medical leave, you certainly do not need added stress.

Linda

 

[Harriet]

Date: 7/11/2008 1:36:16 AM
Author: diamondfan
When did you go on medical leave?

I'd rather not reveal the details publicly (though I'd tell you in person). You've been a tremendous help here and I hate not being able to answer your question.

 

[Harriet]

Date: 7/11/2008 1:40:25 AM
Author: Linda W
Harriet, now I am really worried about you. If you are out on medical leave, you certainly do not need added stress.

Linda

Doctor''s note?

 

[diamondfan]

None taken, you have mentioned it at various times in various threads so I assumed it had been talked about elsewhere and I might have missed it.

That alone should get your hubby to be to buck up and be your wingman on this issue.

 

[Linda W]

Hey now you''re talking!!!

 

[diamondfan]

Say, I decline to attend by reason of insanity...THEIRS.

Let them all have a ball. I feel a relapse coming on just in time to prevent you from attending and it should be gone in time for your wedding.

Dr. Kitty says so.

 

[iluvcarats]

Stock your ipod up with old Seinfeld episodes and just keep laughing.
Remember that episode when George''s dad kept yelling "SERENITY NOW!!!" Think of that every time you find yourself wanting to reach for the Henckles.
Sounds like you might even be able to come up with your own sitcom... lots of ripe material there!
Good luck honey!

 

[Harriet]

Date: 7/11/2008 1:44:38 AM
Author: diamondfan
None taken, you have mentioned it at various times in various threads so I assumed it had been talked about elsewhere and I might have missed it.

That alone should get your hubby to be to buck up and be your wingman on this issue.

Good point!

 

[Harriet]

Date: 7/11/2008 1:46:12 AM
Author: diamondfan
Say, I decline to attend by reason of insanity...THEIRS.

Let them all have a ball. I feel a relapse coming on just in time to prevent you from attending and it should be gone in time for your wedding.

Dr. Kitty says so.

 

[Harriet]

Date: 7/11/2008 1:47:00 AM
Author: iluvcarats
Stock your ipod up with old Seinfeld episodes and just keep laughing.
Remember that episode when George''s dad kept yelling ''SERENITY NOW!!!'' Think of that every time you find yourself wanting to reach for the Henckles.
Sounds like you might even be able to come up with your own sitcom... lots of ripe material there!
Good luck honey!

What are Henckles?
That place doesn''t even get cell reception, let alone Blackberry. What will I do without the net?

 

[iluvcarats]

Date: 7/11/2008 1:51:26 AM
Author: Harriet

Date: 7/11/2008 1:47:00 AM

Author: iluvcarats

Stock your ipod up with old Seinfeld episodes and just keep laughing.

Remember that episode when George''s dad kept yelling ''SERENITY NOW!!!'' Think of that every time you find yourself wanting to reach for the Henckles.

Sounds like you might even be able to come up with your own sitcom... lots of ripe material there!

Good luck honey!

What are Henckles?

That place doesn''t even get cell reception, let alone Blackberry. What will I do without the net?

Henckles are German knives.
NO cell reception??? This just gets worse and worse. Therefore I am your second opinion, and I, Dr. ILC, completely concur with Dr. Diamondfan - a relapse is the way to go!

 

[Linda W]

Well, I will admit something here, but...shhh, don''t tell anyone. That excuse always worked for me.

 

[choro72]

I think your In Laws are testing you. Nobody has probably said no to lodging in their family before. They are accusing you of being ungenerous and trying to intimidate you into giving in. DON''T!! I hope your FI is with you on this.

 

[Harriet]

Drs. DF and ILC,
Lol!

 

[Harriet]

Date: 7/11/2008 1:59:19 AM
Author: Linda W
Well, I will admit something here, but...shhh, don''t tell anyone. That excuse always worked for me.

That silly woman knows I''m ill, but that didn''t stop her from yelling at me.

 

[Linda W]

Nope, people like that don''t care if you are ill or not. That is why you have to nip it in the bud now.

 

[Harriet]

Date: 7/11/2008 1:59:26 AM
Author: choro72
I think your In Laws are testing you. Nobody has probably said no to lodging in their family before. They are accusing you of being ungenerous and trying to intimidate you into giving in. DON''T!! I hope your FI is with you on this.

He''s wavering! Years ago, the family went on spring break. They drove to the ''resort'' that they had booked and found that it was a drive. They then showed up at FI''s great-aunt''s house and crashed for a week!

 

[Harriet]

Date: 7/11/2008 2:03:14 AM
Author: Linda W
Nope, people like that don't care if you are ill or not. That is why you have to nip it in the bud now.

Grr.
I think I have license to be slightly nasty. FMIL sent out an e-mail about FFIL's surprise birthday party. From their joint e-mail account!

 

[Linda W]

OMG ha ha ha ha. Well, I guess he won''t be surprised then. Geez

 

[surfgirl]

Date: 7/10/2008 10:42:26 PM
Author: Dee*Jay
Oh Harriet, I feel for you. We live in a four story townhouse with three bedrooms and a family room AND NO GUEST BED. ON PURPOSE. No family has ever stayed with us. No family ever will. Period. I said it once in plain English; I don''t ''discuss'' it. That''s the way it is.

That being said, my stance is probably a little harsh for a normal (translation: nicer) person, so maybe you could find some way to soften the blow. Perhaps pretend you''ve taken up a hobby that requires lots of big equipment in the second bedroom/office. I hear rug looming can be fun.

DeeJay, if you''re harsh, then I''m your harsh soul sister because we have the same policy!

 

[Madam Bijoux]

This is your home - only you and your FI decide who stays there. Nobody else has any right to tell you who you should or should not have as guests and nobody else has any right to put pressure on you. If the FIL'S keep pestering you about it, just say "It's our home and we have made our decision. It has nothing to do with you." Also, you don't owe them any explanations if you choose not to go to the party. It pays to be curt with people like that in the long run.

 

[purrfectpear]

Given the facts that 1. you''re off work on leave, and 2. it''s a month pre-wedding, I would not let this relative crash at my NY place (much less 5 times a month)

Under other circumstances, perhaps once a month maybe (with limits). I grew up in the Midwest and I have to say that apparently it is sort of a cultural norm to crash with out of town relatives. My mother is European and I am an only child so this was not part of my upbringing. I like my space. I need my space. It completely unnerved me when my ex''s relatives would expect to stay with us. Just because we had a 4 bedroom house didn''t mean I intended for anyone to use them. LOL. As an only child I recognize that I do have some selfish tendencies. That''s OK with me. If I had siblings I probably would be more open to the idea of brothers or sisters staying with me, but I didn''t. I live in Los Angeles but I''m currently back in the Midwest on a work assignment. I''ve heard several co-workers discuss relatives coming to visit. It''s a frequent thing, including the retired folks visiting with friends all over the country.

The parents of one of the girls here were having a custom home built and they moved in with her for 10 months

If it would ease FH''s tension I would suggest to the IL''s that you would be willing to pay for one night in a hotel for FBIL, and they should pay for a few nights and then FBIL can "live his dream" with the families help. Sigh. So not your responsibility but it might show your familial "support".

Regarding the FFIL birthday, I think you should attend if possible. It would truly put DF in a very uncomfortable position if you did not go. I''m so sorry for all the stress. This is really bad timing.

 

[Harriet]

Date: 7/11/2008 2:43:46 AM
Author: surfgirl

Date: 7/10/2008 10:42:26 PM
Author: Dee*Jay
Oh Harriet, I feel for you. We live in a four story townhouse with three bedrooms and a family room AND NO GUEST BED. ON PURPOSE. No family has ever stayed with us. No family ever will. Period. I said it once in plain English; I don''t ''discuss'' it. That''s the way it is.

That being said, my stance is probably a little harsh for a normal (translation: nicer) person, so maybe you could find some way to soften the blow. Perhaps pretend you''ve taken up a hobby that requires lots of big equipment in the second bedroom/office. I hear rug looming can be fun.

DeeJay, if you''re harsh, then I''m your harsh soul sister because we have the same policy!

You two have more space than I do but the same policy? Phew.

 

[Harriet]

Date: 7/11/2008 8:51:36 AM
Author: Madam Bijoux
This is your home - only you and your FI decide who stays there. Nobody else has any right to tell you who you should or should not have as guests and nobody else has any right to put pressure on you. If the FIL''S keep pestering you about it, just say ''It''s our home and we have made our decision. It has nothing to do with you.'' Also, you don''t owe them any explanations if you choose not to go to the party. It pays to be curt with people like that in the long run.

I''ve already told FMIL that. Grr. As for the party, they are not my concern. My only concern is FI going, being harangued, and coming home all upset (it''s happened before).

 

[Harriet]

Date: 7/11/2008 9:06:07 AM
Author: purrfectpear
Given the facts that 1. you''re off work on leave, and 2. it''s a month pre-wedding, I would not let this relative crash at my NY place (much less 5 times a month)

Under other circumstances, perhaps once a month maybe (with limits). I grew up in the Midwest and I have to say that apparently it is sort of a cultural norm to crash with out of town relatives. My mother is European and I am an only child so this was not part of my upbringing. I like my space. I need my space. It completely unnerved me when my ex''s relatives would expect to stay with us. Just because we had a 4 bedroom house didn''t mean I intended for anyone to use them. LOL. As an only child I recognize that I do have some selfish tendencies. That''s OK with me. If I had siblings I probably would be more open to the idea of brothers or sisters staying with me, but I didn''t. I live in Los Angeles but I''m currently back in the Midwest on a work assignment. I''ve heard several co-workers discuss relatives coming to visit. It''s a frequent thing, including the retired folks visiting with friends all over the country.

The parents of one of the girls here were having a custom home built and they moved in with her for 10 months

If it would ease FH''s tension I would suggest to the IL''s that you would be willing to pay for one night in a hotel for FBIL, and they should pay for a few nights and then FBIL can ''live his dream'' with the families help. Sigh. So not your responsibility but it might show your familial ''support''.

Regarding the FFIL birthday, I think you should attend if possible. It would truly put DF in a very uncomfortable position if you did not go. I''m so sorry for all the stress. This is really bad timing.

As do I. Apparently, that is selfish of me. FI got worked up and said so.
Well said. So am I!
The ILs have never forked out a single cent to ''help'' precious wecious out. All they''ve done is to palm him off on various relatives.
Sad, but true.
Thanks for the support, Purr.

 

[RoseRed]

I just wanted to chime in on this interesting topic...
I can''t tell you how much this subject has caused trouble for 17 years of marriage. I don''t really know if crashing with relatives is a typically American thing but it is definitely a SOUTHERN thing.

My ILS are from the deep south and the idea of staying in a hotel when there is family near by is shocking...you know, like running naked down the street or heaven forbid, letting your grass get too tall on your front lawn! But, when we were younger (and I was much dumber) I would give in and let them stay. However, I got wise and decided I really A) didn''t like being a Hostess with the Mostest, cooking and cleaning and entertaining and B) didn''t really want to know anyone that up close and personal esp the ILS! Ugh to seeing people in all their glory over morning coffee!

So, the past couple of years the DH and I have been able to wean the Folks off the assumption that it''s okay....well, not really but we have purposely arranged our living environment to being unfriendly to visitors. My FIL can not and will not get it and doesn''t understand the word NO. So, we make it practical.

Here''s the new dilemma. Visiting them! We recently went to visit and I booked a hotel (duh!) and you would have thought I had stabbed my FIL with a dessert fork! He went on and on about how rude we were, how we shamed him and his hospitality and that we truly don''t love or care for the family. The poor DH was besieged and againist my better judgement I gave in and we stayed with them. OMG what a freakin'' nightmare! It was the absolutely worst trip I have ever had! We all came down with a weird intestial virius that had half of us in the bathroom at all times! We cut our trip short because I was so sick and the DH came down with it the day we got home and didn''t get out of bed for a week! Not to mention all the reprecussions I''ve had healthwise since. It was definitely NOT a family bonding experience! Not to mention that my SIL and BIL are on the verge of divorce and all the drama that brings to a get together...needless to say, THIS will never again happen no matter how my FIL blackmails us. (And he truly expects us to stay with them at Christmas regardless of how many times we say, very plainly, no.)

I''m sorry for the long rant but wanted to show the potential outcome to a shared common space! And I''d love advice on how to get it through FIL thick head. Keep in mind he is a pouting type and refuses to speak to us and DH feels guilty ''cause Dad has serious health problems.

 

[isaku5]

Date: 7/11/2008 8:51:36 AM
Author: Madam Bijoux
This is your home - only you and your FI decide who stays there. Nobody else has any right to tell you who you should or should not have as guests and nobody else has any right to put pressure on you. If the FIL''S keep pestering you about it, just say ''It''s our home and we have made our decision. It has nothing to do with you.'' Also, you don''t owe them any explanations if you choose not to go to the party. It pays to be curt with people like that in the long run.

Madam, I''m always apreciative of your well-spoken thoughts, and this is no exception.

Btw, Harriet, Preshus Weshuss( sp?) and his entire family are welcome at our place. I assure you they''ll have a stay they won''t forget in a looonnngg time

 

[Harriet]

Date: 7/11/2008 11:15:09 AM
Author: RoseRed
I just wanted to chime in on this interesting topic...
I can''t tell you how much this subject has caused trouble for 17 years of marriage. I don''t really know if crashing with relatives is a typically American thing but it is definitely a SOUTHERN thing.

My ILS are from the deep south and the idea of staying in a hotel when there is family near by is shocking...you know, like running naked down the street or heaven forbid, letting your grass get too tall on your front lawn! But, when we were younger (and I was much dumber) I would give in and let them stay. However, I got wise and decided I really A) didn''t like being a Hostess with the Mostest, cooking and cleaning and entertaining and B) didn''t really want to know anyone that up close and personal esp the ILS! Ugh to seeing people in all their glory over morning coffee!

So, the past couple of years the DH and I have been able to wean the Folks off the assumption that it''s okay....well, not really but we have purposely arranged our living environment to being unfriendly to visitors. My FIL can not and will not get it and doesn''t understand the word NO. So, we make it practical.

Here''s the new dilemma. Visiting them! We recently went to visit and I booked a hotel (duh!) and you would have thought I had stabbed my FIL with a dessert fork! He went on and on about how rude we were, how we shamed him and his hospitality and that we truly don''t love or care for the family. The poor DH was besieged and againist my better judgement I gave in and we stayed with them. OMG what a freakin'' nightmare! It was the absolutely worst trip I have ever had! We all came down with a weird intestial virius that had half of us in the bathroom at all times! We cut our trip short because I was so sick and the DH came down with it the day we got home and didn''t get out of bed for a week! Not to mention all the reprecussions I''ve had healthwise since. It was definitely NOT a family bonding experience! Not to mention that my SIL and BIL are on the verge of divorce and all the drama that brings to a get together...needless to say, THIS will never again happen no matter how my FIL blackmails us. (And he truly expects us to stay with them at Christmas regardless of how many times we say, very plainly, no.)

I''m sorry for the long rant but wanted to show the potential outcome to a shared common space! And I''d love advice on how to get it through FIL thick head. Keep in mind he is a pouting type and refuses to speak to us and DH feels guilty ''cause Dad has serious health problems.

What did you do? I could use some ideas.

I''d love to offer you some, but, as you can see, I need help myself. All I have is empathy, dear.

 

[Harriet]

Date: 7/11/2008 11:23:53 AM
Author: isaku5
Madam, I''m always apreciative of your well-spoken thoughts, and this is no exception.

Btw, Harriet, Preshus Weshuss( sp?) and his entire family are welcome at our place. I assure you they''ll have a stay they won''t forget in a looonnngg time

LMAO. What would you do to them?

 

[Linda W]

Harriet,

Thinking of you this morning. Did you hear from them yet??

Love, Linda