Future in-laws are acting up

[Harriet]

Date: 7/12/2008 3:23:05 PM
Author: LtlFirecracker
To whom it may concern,

Harriet has a medical condition that is worsened by stressful situations. When interacting with her, please choose you words carefully so she will not get upset, as this can exaberbate her physical condition. Also, she needs a living space that has no more than 2 people (total) for every 2000 square feet. Thank you for you time and understanding.

Sincerely,

LFC, MD

As close as I can come to giving you the real thing. I agree with diamondseeker, you probably should work with you DF on this one, he should beable to stand up for your wishes. I stayed with lots of people while I was in med school, but there was kind of an unwritten rule that if an OOT med student you know is coming to town for something, you offered your place. We were all short on money, and were willing to help each other out. Now that I am earning money, I never ask anyone for a place to stay, and no one has ever asked me. And it was never 5x a month, that would drive me crazy!

DF is working with me, but I feel sorry for him that he's caught in the middle.

Back in law school, we had a similar arrangement with prospective admitted students. But, there are no students involved here. Oh, and the ILs boast about how careful Precious Wecious is with money and how he saves!

 

[Harriet]

Date: 7/12/2008 4:22:56 PM
Author: Dancing Fire
Harriet
bring out the shotgun!!

Now, now, that would be illegal.

 

[Harriet]

Date: 7/12/2008 5:56:01 PM
Author: diamondfan
Harriet, if you are sick the point of needing time off, I think, no offense to your fiance, that your needs come first. They cause you stress from a distance so they should most assuredly not be in your face now when you are not at your strongest emotionally. You should nicely tell your fiance that your no guest rule applies to all, not just them, and that yes, you have stress with them, but it is not simply about being selfish to them. As a practical point your place really cannot accomodate two adults and bottom line is he should back you up and tell his folks it is not anything personal but you BOTH have decided going forward that you are not able to have overnight company. And I would not get into justifying or rationalizing your view. He should be the mouthpiece, though, for all communications that could create stress.

Linda, that is but ONE example. You have no idea what she is like and I am surprised I have not strangled her yet.

Hi DF,
He''s finally realised that after one week of my moping. He does maintain that situations like this happen and that we cannot control when they occur. I have never thought about it that way, but you and DS are making me see that he should be the mouthpiece.

 

[Harriet]

Date: 7/12/2008 7:09:31 PM
Author: simplysplendid
Sorry that you are going through this Harriet. Get well soon.

I''ve had my DH''s aunt and her family over a couple of times and it is not easy as they are not the most considerate folks around. Then I had a baby and DH simply told them there''s no space to accomodate them with the room taken up by the baby.

Thank you, dear.

I might have to borrow Curlygirl''s little one.

 

[LtlFirecracker]

DF is working with me, but I feel sorry for him that he''s caught in the middle.

Back in law school, we had a similar arrangement with prospective admitted students. But, there are no students involved here. Oh, and the ILs boast about how careful Precious Wecious is with money and how he saves!

At your expense!

 

[Harriet]

Good point.

 

[diamondfan]

It is easy to save money if you stay at Hotel Harriet.

I would 100% make hubby be the one to make any statements to his folks. But he also needs to present it as a fait accompli and something you BOTH are in agreement about...no divide and conquer here.

 

[Harriet]

I told FI what you and DS advised and he agreed. It saddens me that I can''t help him by mediating though.

 

[Miranda]

I have to agree with DF and DS 100%. DH and I came to this conclusion about 10 years ago. His parents just do not take things from me the same way they do from DH. I am FAR to direct for their liking. He is much more........Diplomatic. It drives me crazy! If there''s something that needs to be said, I will not hesitate. He beats around the bush! I''ve had a few good spats with his parents. Such as the time I told them that I would no longer tolerate their childish behavior and their manipulation would NOT be getting them their way anymore. His dad didn''t speak to me for 5 months. Even after I drove three hours to come to HIS birthday party! It''s only taken 13 years of me being married to their son (and dating him for 5 years before that) but, we''re starting to get used to each other. They KNOW not to step on my toes (ESPECIALLY with the kids) and I''m careful with what I say to them because they take EVERYTHING the wrong way and read way to much into it.

You''ll work it out Harriet! These things just take time and it''s part of being married. It''s good that your soon to be

DH is in agreement with you on the visitor policy. Yes, I''ll start a thread when I have more time. My issue deals with only wanting certain houseguests. I don''t mind some people and we do have the room. We had a terrible experience with his SIL and kids when they visited in February. They cannot come and stay here again.

 

[Amandine]

Harriet, I am sorry to see you are going through this. I agree with all the recommendations that your DF should be the "mouthpiece" for such issues. It is currently how my FI and I do such things, especially since we are so new to all of this inter-family relationship thing. Perhaps later, but for now this has worked best for us.

I do have a question, though...what is the name of the lake in Michigan? I am from Michigan originally and my family used to vacation at a lake in the northern lower penninsula, so I was just curious.

 

[Harriet]

Date: 7/13/2008 4:44:05 PM
Author: Miranda
I have to agree with DF and DS 100%. DH and I came to this conclusion about 10 years ago. His parents just do not take things from me the same way they do from DH. I am FAR to direct for their liking. He is much more........Diplomatic. It drives me crazy! If there''s something that needs to be said, I will not hesitate. He beats around the bush! I''ve had a few good spats with his parents. Such as the time I told them that I would no longer tolerate their childish behavior and their manipulation would NOT be getting them their way anymore. His dad didn''t speak to me for 5 months. Even after I drove three hours to come to HIS birthday party! It''s only taken 13 years of me being married to their son (and dating him for 5 years before that) but, we''re starting to get used to each other. They KNOW not to step on my toes (ESPECIALLY with the kids) and I''m careful with what I say to them because they take EVERYTHING the wrong way and read way to much into it.

You''ll work it out Harriet! These things just take time and it''s part of being married. It''s good that your soon to be

DH is in agreement with you on the visitor policy. Yes, I''ll start a thread when I have more time. My issue deals with only wanting certain houseguests. I don''t mind some people and we do have the room. We had a terrible experience with his SIL and kids when they visited in February. They cannot come and stay here again.

Hi Miranda,
Does your DH get the point across even though he "beats around the bush?" Mine is that way and I sit next to him frantically scribbling away what points he''s missed.

 

[Harriet]

Date: 7/13/2008 8:45:14 PM
Author: Amandine
Harriet, I am sorry to see you are going through this. I agree with all the recommendations that your DF should be the ''mouthpiece'' for such issues. It is currently how my FI and I do such things, especially since we are so new to all of this inter-family relationship thing. Perhaps later, but for now this has worked best for us.

I do have a question, though...what is the name of the lake in Michigan? I am from Michigan originally and my family used to vacation at a lake in the northern lower penninsula, so I was just curious.

Hi Amandine,
Thanks for your empathy.
It''s Rose Lake, ''near'' Cadillac. Where are you from, if you don''t mind my asking? I used to live in Ann Arbor.

 

[Miranda]

Date: 7/14/2008 12:40:36 AM
Author: Harriet

Date: 7/13/2008 4:44:05 PM
Author: Miranda
I have to agree with DF and DS 100%. DH and I came to this conclusion about 10 years ago. His parents just do not take things from me the same way they do from DH. I am FAR to direct for their liking. He is much more........Diplomatic. It drives me crazy! If there''s something that needs to be said, I will not hesitate. He beats around the bush! I''ve had a few good spats with his parents. Such as the time I told them that I would no longer tolerate their childish behavior and their manipulation would NOT be getting them their way anymore. His dad didn''t speak to me for 5 months. Even after I drove three hours to come to HIS birthday party! It''s only taken 13 years of me being married to their son (and dating him for 5 years before that) but, we''re starting to get used to each other. They KNOW not to step on my toes (ESPECIALLY with the kids) and I''m careful with what I say to them because they take EVERYTHING the wrong way and read way to much into it.

You''ll work it out Harriet! These things just take time and it''s part of being married. It''s good that your soon to be

DH is in agreement with you on the visitor policy. Yes, I''ll start a thread when I have more time. My issue deals with only wanting certain houseguests. I don''t mind some people and we do have the room. We had a terrible experience with his SIL and kids when they visited in February. They cannot come and stay here again.

Hi Miranda,
Does your DH get the point across even though he ''beats around the bush?'' Mine is that way and I sit next to him frantically scribbling away what points he''s missed.

LOL! I do the same thing! For the most part his point gets across. Though, not ever as directly as I would prefer. And sometimes it takes him 2 or 3 tries to make his point.

 

[Harriet]

Miranda, I think we would really get along.

 

[LuckyTexan]

I don''t have time to read the whole thread... I''ve been on PS too much today as is

but I wanted to say... from my own experience... letting ANYONE live with you is very bad for marriage.

Your house should be a home for you and your own family only.

My guest suite doesn''t have a closet INTENTIONALLY.

GOOD LUCK!!!!

 

[Harriet]

Date: 7/14/2008 1:15:01 PM
Author: LuckyTexan
I don''t have time to read the whole thread... I''ve been on PS too much today as is

but I wanted to say... from my own experience... letting ANYONE live with you is very bad for marriage.

Your house should be a home for you and your own family only.

My guest suite doesn''t have a closet INTENTIONALLY.

GOOD LUCK!!!!

Thanks for weighing in.

 

[Amandine]

Date: 7/14/2008 12:42:50 AM
Author: Harriet

Date: 7/13/2008 8:45:14 PM
Author: Amandine
Harriet, I am sorry to see you are going through this. I agree with all the recommendations that your DF should be the ''mouthpiece'' for such issues. It is currently how my FI and I do such things, especially since we are so new to all of this inter-family relationship thing. Perhaps later, but for now this has worked best for us.

I do have a question, though...what is the name of the lake in Michigan? I am from Michigan originally and my family used to vacation at a lake in the northern lower penninsula, so I was just curious.

Hi Amandine,
Thanks for your empathy.
It''s Rose Lake, ''near'' Cadillac. Where are you from, if you don''t mind my asking? I used to live in Ann Arbor.

I grew up in the St. Joseph/Benton Harbor area. My parents currently live in Muskegon. The lake we vacationed by is Black Lake, which is pretty close to the Mackinac straits area. My sister lived in Ann Arbor for awhile, she went to Concordia University. I loved visiting her, espcially at Art Fair time (she was walking distance to downtown, I would never have attempted to find a parking space!).