Future in-laws are acting up

[Dancing Fire]

Harriet
don''t allow him to stay at your place.

 

[Harriet]

Date: 7/11/2008 12:21:38 AM
Author: Linda W
The lady never caused any trouble here, nor did my dad.

My parents have not said a single word about staying with us. All they''ve done is to ask me to find a nearby hotel.

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 7/11/2008 12:14:08 AM
Author: Harriet

Date: 7/10/2008 11:25:21 PM

Author: diamondfan

Harriet, they are enabling the precious wecious to do nothing. You do not need to contribute to this cycle. He is a grown man, he should be ashamed to act like a teen. You are not Hotel Harriet. Hubby needs to find his spinal column and tell his folks this. They can pay for their son to be in a hotel if he needs to be in NYC that often. It certainly does not need to be on you each and every time. I think it was Ben Franklin who said Fish and house guests begin to stink after three days...


Not sure what you mean by cultural. You are Asian and I think your hubby to be is not? RUDE is RUDE in any culture. Gag me. You are in for it for the long haul. I saw this at 24 with my in laws and I got very tough. Some MIGHT call it a tad bitchy but if you do not draw the boundary lines NOW you cannot easily go back and say, Oh, I meant this and not that etc. It CAN be done, but it is not that easy decades later. I have had many a knock down drag out with my mother in law. I am right back at her with her crap. If she is inappropriate I look her right in the eye and say, I would like to say I am just amazed that you did that but knowing you I am NOT. I do not enable or allow her to play with me. Her son may be more tolerant but the buck stops here.

Exactly!


Yup, DF is a Midwestern boy. Unfortunately, the ILs think that it's ok for them to ask to stay with their friends whenever they want. But, NY is different -- space is tight. They were semi-retired for a year and I watched them travel the country 'visiting' friends and family. It left a sour taste in my mouth. DF told me that 'it's an American thing.' Is it? Sorry if I'm offending any of you.


Can we send them and your MIL together somewhere?

It's not an American "thing" per se, but yes many people don't seem to have the boundaries here...I DO think it's an American thing to offer your home to friends when they are in town, if you have the space. I also think it's an American thing NOT to accept though if you know they truly don't have the space/time! And of course you never come unless ASKED. It isn't an American thing to just invite yourself over, it's a rude thing!

Harriet, I am glad your DF is fighting with you on this one, stand firm!!!!!!

 

[Harriet]

Date: 7/11/2008 12:22:52 AM
Author: Dancing Fire
Harriet
don''t allow him to stay at your place.

Soi zai, right?

 

[Harriet]

Date: 7/11/2008 12:24:11 AM
Author: neatfreak
It''s not an American ''thing'' per se, but yes many people don''t seem to have the boundaries here...I DO think it''s an American thing to offer your home to friends when they are in town, if you have the space. I also think it''s an American thing NOT to accept though if you know they truly don''t have the space/time! And of course you never come unless ASKED. It isn''t an American thing to just invite yourself over, it''s a rude thing!

Harriet, I am glad your DF is fighting with you on this one, stand firm!!!!!!

Thanks, NF. I hope I didn''t offend you by asking.

 

[Linda W]

Harriet,

Send him to Dancing Fire''s house

Have you talked it over with DF?? What did he have to say about it.

My situation was so bad with the ILS, that we no longer speak. My DH cut off all ties with his mother and her husband. We haven''t spoken to them in almost 7 years and it is fine with us. Too much stress in our lives that we did not need.

You don''t need all the stress in your life and this American thing. I have never had people ask to stay at our house, except the MIL and SFIL.

 

[Harriet]

Date: 7/11/2008 12:29:13 AM
Author: Linda W
Harriet,

Send him to Dancing Fire''s house

Have you talked it over with DF?? What did he have to say about it.

My situation was so bad with the ILS, that we no longer speak. My DH cut off all ties with his mother and her husband. We haven''t spoken to them in almost 7 years and it is fine with us. Too much stress in our lives that we did not need.

You don''t need all the stress in your life and this American thing. I have never had people ask to stay at our house, except the MIL and SFIL.

No, I''m sending him to Dancing Fire''s pond.

DF thinks we/I don''t have a choice.

No, I don''t need this bleeping stress.

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 7/11/2008 12:28:10 AM
Author: Harriet

Date: 7/11/2008 12:24:11 AM

Author: neatfreak

It''s not an American ''thing'' per se, but yes many people don''t seem to have the boundaries here...I DO think it''s an American thing to offer your home to friends when they are in town, if you have the space. I also think it''s an American thing NOT to accept though if you know they truly don''t have the space/time! And of course you never come unless ASKED. It isn''t an American thing to just invite yourself over, it''s a rude thing!


Harriet, I am glad your DF is fighting with you on this one, stand firm!!!!!!

Thanks, NF. I hope I didn''t offend you by asking.

Not at all Harriet, you aren''t trying to be rude, just trying to understand if it''s a cultural thing! I understand, I''ve lived abroad before. It can be confusing for sure.

 

[diamondfan]

Harriet, remember what I told you about those who feel entitled? It comes from a royal term, but YOU are the queen of YOUR castle. You DO NOT HAVE to have them. I have a huge house and a large guest room, so I cannot say there is not room. But I can force her to be accountable. You have no space for one guest, let alone two. Tell hubby you want to frolic with him au naturale and you cannot do so with his folks there. He will call a hotel so fast your head will spin. But really, the two of you must be united and just make a rule. When you move to a larger place, and have a dedicated guest room, fine. But even then, visits have finite start and end points and frequency is monitored.

But just know his parents created the precious, and allow this to be acceptable modes of behavior. They will not likely want to hear criticisms of him nor will they do anything to change things.

 

[Linda W]

I couldn''t have said it better Caroline!!!

 

[Harriet]

Date: 7/11/2008 12:52:55 AM
Author: diamondfan
Harriet, remember what I told you about those who feel entitled? It comes from a royal term, but YOU are the queen of YOUR castle. You DO NOT HAVE to have them. I have a huge house and a large guest room, so I cannot say there is not room. But I can force her to be accountable. You have no space for one guest, let alone two. Tell hubby you want to frolic with him au naturale and you cannot do so with his folks there. He will call a hotel so fast your head will spin. But really, the two of you must be united and just make a rule. When you move to a larger place, and have a dedicated guest room, fine. But even then, visits have finite start and end points and frequency is monitored.

Sorry, but I don''t. Do you mind repeating?

On the history of royalty:
Maybe the FILs think that they are the King and Queen on their annual progress through their kingdom and that we should feel privileged to host them.

 

[WishfulThinking]

Date: 7/11/2008 12:07:44 AM
Author: Harriet

Date: 7/10/2008 11:21:50 PM

Author: WishfulThinking

Oh Harriet, that is just awful.

I completely 100% support your decision, think you''re being reasonable, and feel your frustration. What a tough position to be in. I think perhaps you should have a talk with your FILs about your concerns with their son; his not working while he is with you, overstaying his welcome, etc? Maybe they are just unaware of his behavior? It sounds like they just think he is swell and can do no wrong.

I realize that bringing those issues up may cause a lot of tension that you think is unnecessary, and obviously you know the situation and your FILs better than any of us. You have a good head on your shoulders and are more than competent and mature. You will, without a doubt, handle this with grace.


Good luck!


PS: This one time a casual friend asked to crash in my 10''X5'' dorm room for a night and proceeded to stay for a week. Never.Again.

We''ve told them how he behaved while he was here. No response. They actually believe that his career is taking off! Thank you for your vote of confidence.

Some friend! I empathise.

Just... wow. I can''t believe that was their response. It sounds like they might not quite be clued into the reality of precious wecious'' circumstances.

Again- good luck!

 

[Harriet]

If there is no conciliatory gesture before then, would it be bad of me to refuse to attend FFIL's birthday shindig?

 

[Linda W]

Harriet: No. For me, I would not go, but..... that is me and what I went through with my miserable in -laws.


Linda

 

[Harriet]

Date: 7/11/2008 1:04:40 AM
Author: Linda W
Harriet: No. For me, I would not go, but..... that is me and what I went through with my miserable in -laws.


Linda

Would that put DF in a sticky situation?

 

[diamondfan]

Harriet, naked+honeymooners+small apartment+in laws =

I believe they must feel they are on their royal mission and can knock on any door in the kingdom and demand food and shelter. It is on YOU now to start creating the proper boundaries. Please please trust me Harriet, I have been married 18 years and been with my husband for over 19. IT DOES NOT SPONTANEOUSLY STOP. The type of people who act this way are not the type to have incredible realizations of the error of their ways. In bits and pieces, they will just continue to roll over you and your wishes will take a total backseat to their needs and their wants.

Linda, my mom is also never an issue. The ones that are the total pains in the rear are the ones who think they are NOT and think we should be rolling out the red carpet and getting out the brass band.

As for the party, hard to say. If they are punitive, they WILL hold it against you. Decades from now it will be thrown in your face. If you will be miserable either way, you can suck it up and go for your guy, or you can stand firm and send him alone and suffer THOSE consequences. I think to a certain degree it a lose lose. You will be unhappy either way, you just have to decide who you can deal with easier.

 

[Harriet]

Date: 7/11/2008 1:08:18 AM
Author: diamondfan
Harriet, naked+honeymooners+small apartment+in laws =

I believe they must feel they are on their royal mission and can knock on any door in the kingdom and demand food and shelter. It is on YOU now to start creating the proper boundaries. Please please trust me Harriet, I have been married 18 years and been with my husband for over 19. IT DOES NOT SPONTANEOUSLY STOP. The type of people who act this way are not the type to have incredible realizations of the error of their ways. In bits and pieces, they will just continue to roll over you and your wishes will take a total backseat to their needs and their wants.

Linda, my mom is also never an issue. The ones that are the total pains in the rear are the ones who think they are NOT and think we should be rolling out the red carpet and getting out the brass band.

I told DF that we shouldn''t discuss this issue before the wedding, but it looks like we have to.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 7/11/2008 12:25:33 AM
Author: Harriet

Date: 7/11/2008 12:22:52 AM
Author: Dancing Fire
Harriet
don''t allow him to stay at your place.

Soi zai, right?

 

[diamondfan]

Harriet, I agree and mean it sincerely. This was a huge source of conflict for my hubby and it cost him. I would get soooo steamed I could not see straight. I never expected him to just be an ass to his mom, but there are lines and she crossed them countless times. She was nasty, selfish, inappropriate, self involved, greedy...and those are her good qualities

.

Hubby was more "used" to her routine having been raised by her. I came into it and was shocked. But they got away with it with others, so assumed it was a ok with us too. I am nice, but I am not a shy violet. Cross my threshold and you best be acting nicely or we will be having words. And make sure they know their son agrees, or else you get to be labeled the bitch and the bad guy. You will get all the anger aimed at you since "they did not raise their son to (fill in the blank). By default that means YOU were raised to be (fill in the blank) and they can pin it all on you.

You have been together a long while and this should not be still coming up, but it is. Therefore you must address it. It is a big pink elephant in the middle of your relationship. Please come to some satisfactory resolution so you do not have to fight about them your whole marriage. That is a waste of energy.

 

[iluvcarats]

Date: 7/11/2008 1:07:57 AM
Author: Harriet

Date: 7/11/2008 1:04:40 AM

Author: Linda W

Harriet: No. For me, I would not go, but..... that is me and what I went through with my miserable in -laws.



Linda

Would that put DF in a sticky situation?

It would put DF in a sticky situation, but they will probably just blame it all on you anyway. I don''t *know* them, but I know them just the same, and if they can''t see the truth about the FBIL, then there is no way that they will put the onus on your DF, so it will most certainly trickle down to you. You might have to go, but you certainly do not have to endure any of their abuse. Pick a really nice hotel with a really nice spa!

 

[Linda W]

That is what makes me so sad Harriet. You have to discuss it before your wedding and this should be a very happy time for you both. Not discussing pain in the fanny in-laws.

You just have to make the decision, which is right for you. I get extremely sick under heavy stress, my body goes into a relapse of MS symptoms, so I avoid places and people that cause me stress.

I just don''t want you to end up getting ill.

Linda

 

[Harriet]

Date: 7/11/2008 1:14:58 AM
Author: Dancing Fire

Date: 7/11/2008 12:25:33 AM
Author: Harriet

Date: 7/11/2008 12:22:52 AM
Author: Dancing Fire
Harriet
don''t allow him to stay at your place.

Soi zai, right?

I''m writing Cantonese.

 

[Harriet]

Date: 7/11/2008 1:16:26 AM
Author: diamondfan
Harriet, I agree and mean it sincerely. This was a huge source of conflict for my hubby and it cost him. I would get soooo steamed I could not see straight. I never expected him to just be an ass to his mom, but there are lines and she crossed them countless times. She was nasty, selfish, inappropriate, self involved, greedy...and those are her good qualities

.

Hubby was more ''used'' to her routine having been raised by her. I came into it and was shocked. But they got away with it with others, so assumed it was a ok with us too. I am nice, but I am not a shy violet. Cross my threshold and you best be acting nicely or we will be having words. And make sure they know their son agrees, or else you get to be labeled the bitch and the bad guy. You will get all the anger aimed at you since ''they did not raise their son to (fill in the blank). By default that means YOU were raised to be (fill in the blank) and they can pin it all on you.

You have been together a long while and this should not be still coming up, but it is. Therefore you must address it. It is a big pink elephant in the middle of your relationship. Please come to some satisfactory resolution so you do not have to fight about them your whole marriage. That is a waste of energy.

I''ll do it.

 

[jewelerman]

Harriet,
so sorry to hear about this mess...Ive thought a little about your problem and it has the makings to turn into a big mess...im curious as to why the parents or other family members are not opening their arms and house to this man?The parents should be helping him and not pointing the finger at you and his brother so they can feel guilt free...Its time for a open and frank discussion about this brother becoming an adult and not becoming a burdon on the in laws.A person like this dosnt care about anyone but himself...if you let him move in then it will be just like before and he could be there forever knowing that he has his parents blessing to act this way...i would let them know that you are willing to help him find a job or get back to school and even have him over to dinner now and again, but once you cave then he will always be back for more...and the inlaws will know that they can walk on you and treat you badly.If he moves back in then there had better be detailed rules and regulations and a strict time line about when he will be out and in his own place...im not employed but i still have support myself...or can i come live with you?

 

[Harriet]

Date: 7/11/2008 1:16:59 AM
Author: iluvcarats
It would put DF in a sticky situation, but they will probably just blame it all on you anyway. I don''t *know* them, but I know them just the same, and if they can''t see the truth about the FBIL, then there is no way that they will put the onus on your DF, so it will most certainly trickle down to you. You might have to go, but you certainly do not have to endure any of their abuse. Pick a really nice hotel with a really nice spa!

It''s by a lake in northern MI. There isn''t even a motel nearby, let alone a hotel!

 

[Harriet]

Date: 7/11/2008 1:28:52 AM
Author: jewelerman
Harriet,
so sorry to hear about this mess...Ive thought a little about your problem and it has the makings to turn into a big mess...im curious as to why the parents or other family members are not opening their arms and house to this man?The parents should be helping him and not pointing the finger at you and his brother so they can feel guilt free...Its time for a open and frank discussion about this brother becoming an adult and not becoming a burdon on the in laws.A person like this dosnt care about anyone but himself...if you let him move in then it will be just like before and he could be there forever knowing that he has his parents blessing to act this way...i would let them know that you are willing to help him find a job or get back to school and even have him over to dinner now and again, but once you cave then he will always be back for more...and the inlaws will know that they can walk on you and treat you badly.If he moves back in then there had better be detailed rules and regulations and a strict time line about when he will be out and in his own place...im not employed but i still have support myself...or can i come live with you?

I''d rather have you over.

I''m not sure I want to address their treatment of the brat, except to say that he''s none of our business. For crying out loud, he''s 26!

 

[iluvcarats]

Date: 7/11/2008 1:29:31 AM
Author: Harriet

Date: 7/11/2008 1:16:59 AM

Author: iluvcarats

It would put DF in a sticky situation, but they will probably just blame it all on you anyway. I don''t *know* them, but I know them just the same, and if they can''t see the truth about the FBIL, then there is no way that they will put the onus on your DF, so it will most certainly trickle down to you. You might have to go, but you certainly do not have to endure any of their abuse. Pick a really nice hotel with a really nice spa!

It''s by a lake in northern MI. There isn''t even a motel nearby, let alone a hotel!

Ummm. How do you feel about camping in the great outdoors? Being one with nature? (sorry Harriet, it''s all I could come up with)
Now I really feel your pain!

 

[Harriet]

Date: 7/11/2008 1:19:05 AM
Author: Linda W
That is what makes me so sad Harriet. You have to discuss it before your wedding and this should be a very happy time for you both. Not discussing pain in the fanny in-laws.

You just have to make the decision, which is right for you. I get extremely sick under heavy stress, my body goes into a relapse of MS symptoms, so I avoid places and people that cause me stress.

I just don''t want you to end up getting ill.

Linda

Thanks, Linda dear. I like your new name for the ILs. I am already ill -- I''ve been on medical leave which is why I''ve had time to be on PS.

 

[diamondfan]

When did you go on medical leave?

 

[Harriet]

Date: 7/11/2008 1:33:19 AM
Author: iluvcarats

Date: 7/11/2008 1:29:31 AM
Author: Harriet

Date: 7/11/2008 1:16:59 AM

Author: iluvcarats

It would put DF in a sticky situation, but they will probably just blame it all on you anyway. I don''t *know* them, but I know them just the same, and if they can''t see the truth about the FBIL, then there is no way that they will put the onus on your DF, so it will most certainly trickle down to you. You might have to go, but you certainly do not have to endure any of their abuse. Pick a really nice hotel with a really nice spa!

It''s by a lake in northern MI. There isn''t even a motel nearby, let alone a hotel!

Ummm. How do you feel about camping in the great outdoors? Being one with nature? (sorry Harriet, it''s all I could come up with)
Now I really feel your pain!

As if it weren''t bad enough already, right?!