Friend''s with an ex?

[lulu]

Date: 4/6/2010 1:00:38 PM
Author: chemgirl
lulu- he didn''t actually stay over at her house. There was a birthday party for a coworker so they were all going out for drinks. He told me that he would probably just sleep there because its a long train ride home and the trains don''t run very late. I said I wasn''t comfortable with it, and he didn''t go to her house. I may be nieve, but I don''t think he will physically cheat on me. I''m just not sure if he understands the whole ''emotional cheating'' thing.

They do hang out all of the time and talk about private things. He has agreed not to talk about our relationship with her (but he did talk about the trust thing when she brought it up...I told him in the future I would prefer for him to let her know that we would rather not have it discussed). She really seems to have no boundaries with him and even told him about the guy she hooked up with on Saturday night! At least he''s telling me all of it so I feel he''s not hiding anything.

He said that the last year of their relationship they behaved like roomates and didn''t really do anything physical. Neither wanted to break it off because they were comfortable, but clearly it wasn''t working out. He ended up accepting a job back here (where he grew up and went to school). He ended it, but he said it wasn''t really a relationship anymore. I''m saying this because I don''t think its something either one of them would ever want to go back to.

Anyway, I''m still frustrated about how to explain something that isn''t really tangeable. I like the idea of going to counselling and seeing what they say. It will probably help for him to have an opinion from an impartial party. Oops looks like I am assuming that the counselor will agree with me...

Also UK posters...he''s saying that there''s nothing abnormal with her calling him Darling, and Honeybun etc. and its a cultural thing. She is living in London, but moved there a few years ago from Canada so I''m not buying it. However, if this was a part of everyday language where they are living I would at least be able to cross that off my list of ex complaints.

Oh, and they work together because they used to work for the same company before they broke up. He is self employed and had a large setback with his business so we decided together that the best course of action would be for him to look for contract work until it was ''busy season'' with his own business. He put out feelers to some of his old employers and he recived an offer from that company.

But he would have if you hadn''t complained. When my now DH and I had been dating exclusively for 5 months he called me and said he was going to have lunch with an ex-girlfriend who was going through a bad divorce and needed a shoulder to cry on. I told him that was fine, but that we were no longer exclusive and I would feel free to date other people. He started the rant about how insecure I was blah blah blah. Bottom line, he knew I wouldn''t like it and that''s why he called. Like many men he wanted to have his cake and eat it too. By the end of the converstation he agreed with my point of view.

This relationship with the ex is just plain wrong and you have to stick to your guns. Otherwise you won''t respect yourself.

 

[RaiKai]

I thought about this after my first message, but was in a trial all morning so just got to writing now.

This is in respect to the "sleepover" issue, and covers a lot of other ground too.

I wanted to share with you that early on when my husband and I were dating (as in 2-3 weeks after we started dating) he asked me if it was alright if he had a female friend stay for the weekend. She was from out of town and was flying in fairly long distance to visit (had been arranged quite a long time before we even started dating). They had never dated, though had "made out" once before and realized soon they were much better as friends.

I had never met her at the time, however, he had told me about her, and told her about me. He asked how I felt about it, he asked whether I had any concerns, he shared he felt a bit weird about it since he was dating me and yet was excited to see her. We talked a lot about it. Including our boundaries and so on. He listened patiently, willingly, responsively. And, I actually found I was fine with her staying over at his house rather than a hotel. I even encouraged it. Not because he "made" me see it from his view or argued his view, but because at every moment I felt heard, and considered. I felt respected. And I know if I had NOT been okay with it neither he, nor she, would have launched into calling me jealous and possessive! She is a lovely lady, and was one of the guests on our very small guest list for our wedding. She is quite a character! My husband and her talk a couple times a month, and she always makes sure to pass on her hellos to me, to ask about me, and to wish us BOTH well. She looks for ways to spend time with both of us. She later said that when she came to visit that weekend and talked to my husband about me, she knew right then and there I was the one for him. Way before I did...ha!

And, here is the thing, my husband ALWAYS respects my feelings, thoughts, beliefs and opinions. He does not always agree with them, but he always opens up the opportunity for me to talk about them. He indeed is the one always asking me to talk about our feelings. And he always, always, always respects them, and me even if he disagrees or we have different ideas or opinions. And I do the same in return. And together, we seek to resolve things in a way that works for us BOTH.

I always give a side eye to someone who tells someone else to go to counseling to "fix themselves". I think counseling is great. Both my husband and I have seen or do see counselors on our own volition. But someone who tells someone else to go to "fix themselves" is someone not willing to explore their own part in the dynamic. I have seen it happen many times.

You should NOT have to make excuses for how you feel. Sure there are times I am completely sensitive and react to the oddest things, and it is not my husbands fault in ANY shape or form (not that we play the blame game even at other times) and my husband still does NOT attack ME. He may ask me to stop and think and tell him what is going on (and take a breather!), but he does not start attacking my feelings, or me personally for having those feelings. This also happens in the reverse in our relationship at times too!

There are a lot of red flags, as I said before and as others have pointed out since. But for me, the complete lack of awareness, respect compassion and acceptance for your own feelings and beliefs, opinions, and so forth (whether he agrees with them or not) is the biggest of them all. Whether this ex is in the picture or not.......that part remains. And that is going to make for a painful and frustrating relationship both now, and in the long run. Maybe this will change if he readily accepts the challenge of counseling and puts in the work. Some do. Unfortunately many others stop counseling as soon as it "gets real". In any case, if he does not put in the work to look at his OWN self more I really would not be even thinking about continuing this relationship, let alone getting married, to this man.

 

[Winks_Elf]

You are absolutely validated in being upset.

I tried to be friends with my ex-husband, but it didn''t work so well. We were still too much in love, so we''re getting remarried.

Trust your gut instincts. They rarely steer you wrong.

 

[lilyfoot]

Date: 4/6/2010 3:35:49 PM
Author: Winks_Elf
You are absolutely validated in being upset.

I tried to be friends with my ex-husband, but it didn''t work so well. We were still too much in love, so we''re getting remarried.

Trust your gut instincts. They rarely steer you wrong.

Did I miss something, or is this the first time you''ve mentioned this on PS?

Sneaky sneaky!

 

[verypatientlywaiting]

I do not think you''re the one with the problem here--it''s definitely your b/f & his ex! She seems to be manipulating him into going against you so she could maybe make her move on him. I''m not saying that he''ll act upon it, but he should tell her to stop being so inappropriate. I was long distance with my b/f for 2 & 1/2 years & he had 1 of his female friends stay over his place for a week. I had met her a couple of times & they had never hooked up or anything like that so I was ok with it when he asked me. If I had said that I was uncomfortable with it, then he would''ve told her to get a hotel room. Now that he''s back, he recently bought his own place near NYC & asked me if I would be ok if 1 of his female friends, who would be visiting NYC, stayed over. Although I trust him, I have never met this girl so I said I wouldn''t feel comfortable. He just said "ok" & told her that he was sorry but that she should get a room at a hotel. If he had flipped out on me or accused me of being jealous or that I needed to go to counseling, I would''ve thought that something was up.
Also, I have a male friend who I used to hook up with (nothing serious) but who is still (as he puts it) in love with me. I see him only as a friend & treat him as such but he would continue to email me & call me telling me that I should dump my b/f & go out with him. My b/f got fed up with it 1 day so he asked me "Why do you still continue to be his friend if he''s always bad-mouthing me & telling you to dump me?". I couldn''t answer him because I honestly didn''t know why...maybe I was still continuing the so-called friendship because I found it flattering & it was an ego boost for me. But since my b/f was uncomfortable with my friendship with him, I had a talk with my friend and told him to stop doing what he was doing...also, I didn''t mention that it was because of my b/f that I was telling him to stop. I think your b/f is probably loving the attention of his ex but he is going about it the wrong way in accusing you of having a jealousy problem. You should definitely work this issue out with him before getting engaged because this will probably only get worse after marriage.

 

[sonnyjane]

Date: 4/6/2010 1:43:50 PM
Author: lilyfoot
Friends with exes? Sure, why not?


Sleepovers with exes .. not so much. (Yes, I realize he didn''t actually stay, but he was going to until you said no; therefore he thinks the idea of sleeping over at an ex''s house is ok).


You seem to be making a lot of excuses for him, chemgirl, and blaming this all on the ex. Like fiery said, his ex doesn''t owe you anything. You are in a relationship with HIM, he is the only person you should be thinking about, and focusing on. If there is a problem in your relationship, it is solely caused by issues between you and him, not a third party.


He is spending all this time with his ex because he wants to. He is letting her carry on calling him ''darling'' and ''honey'' and who knows what else, because he wants to. He is trying to sleep over at her house because he wants to. He is talking to her about your relationship and other personal issues, because he wants to. He is letting his relationship with her upset you because he wants to.



chemgirl, I''m not trying to say your boyfriend is a bad person, but he is certainly, IMO, not being a good partner. What he is doing is plain disrespectful, not to mention the manipulative and controlling techniques he''s using on you (i.e. making YOU think YOU''RE the one in the wrong).


Personally, I''d just let them have each other, it''s obvious that''s what they want.

I couldn''t agree more! Any man worth his salt would KNOW that sleeping at an ex''s house is a no-no. The fact that it even entered his mind as a possibility, even if he didn''t actually do it, means he doesn''t have respect for your relationship. I am friends with an ex. He is an ex from NINTH GRADE, and all we ever did was kiss. He is married, as am I, and my husband and I have gone to dinner with him and his wife once. Even though it was completely innocent, I STILL felt the need to ask my husband if he was okay with it, and that was DINNER WITH A CHILDHOOD FLING! I cannot imagine asking, no, TELLING, my husband that I''d SLEEP OVER AT THE HOUSE OF SOMEONE I HAD BEEN WITH FOR EIGHT YEARS!!!!!!

I agree with the ladies that say RUN!

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 4/6/2010 4:25:50 PM
Author: sonnyjane


I couldn''t agree more! Any man worth his salt would KNOW that sleeping at an ex''s house is a no-no. The fact that it even entered his mind as a possibility, even if he didn''t actually do it, means he doesn''t have respect for your relationship. I am friends with an ex. He is an ex from NINTH GRADE, and all we ever did was kiss. He is married, as am I, and my husband and I have gone to dinner with him and his wife once. Even though it was completely innocent, I STILL felt the need to ask my husband if he was okay with it, and that was DINNER WITH A CHILDHOOD FLING! I cannot imagine asking, no, TELLING, my husband that I''d SLEEP OVER AT THE HOUSE OF SOMEONE I HAD BEEN WITH FOR EIGHT YEARS!!!!!!

I agree with the ladies that say RUN!

Winner Winner! Chicken Dinner!

Chemgirl I really think you need to put the whole ex business aside and focus on his behavior.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Date: 4/6/2010 3:35:49 PM
Author: Winks_Elf
You are absolutely validated in being upset.


I tried to be friends with my ex-husband, but it didn''t work so well. We were still too much in love, so we''re getting remarried.

Trust your gut instincts. They rarely steer you wrong.

really? this is big news!

 

[luckynumber]

lordy winks elf, when did that happen??

 

[Parsley]

I can''t add much to what others have said, they''ve said everything I thought of and more!

I just wanted to reply to your note about pet names in the UK. It seems OFF. For me, darling is not a name people call their friends, unless very obviously in jest. I call my friends ''my love'' most of the time...I don''t know anyone who genuinely calls their friends darling, it''s not a thing you''d see overly on tv (aside from the whole overly dramatic "DARLING YOU''RE HERE HAVE A COCKTAIL WE MUST DO LUNCH!" you know?), or hear about town, unless its builders yelling at ladies, and then it''s very definitely "alright darlin''?" I think this is an excuse she''s feeding, I can''t imagine that anyone would pick it up, it''s just not everyday enough.

She''s crossing boundaries and he''s allowing her to do so. It''s not right, don''t let him feed you excuse after excuse for her pathetic behaviour. Being clueless doesn''t come into this. If he were clueless when you said this upset you he''d stop and think "Oh? Right ok, I didn''t realise this wasn''t ok, but if it upsets her I have to look at this again" not dismiss you. He''d consider that maybe he hadn''t looked at things correctly, not take her side and suggest you need counselling.

I had someone suggest to me I needed counselling before, because I turned him down for a drink. He was best steered clear of, and I hope you can really take to heart what the ladies here have said. I''m not trying to bash your boyfriend and be all horrible, we just don''t know him, I''d hate for you to feel like we were ganging up! I appreciate how difficult it is to give a clear picture of an SO online, especially when asking for advice!

P
xxx

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 4/6/2010 4:51:29 PM
Author: luckynumber
lordy winks elf, when did that happen??

Yes, not to threadjack

When did this happen?! We need story and pics! I haven''t been on LIW much. I remember you breaking off the engagement with your ex and then getting engaged to an old friend. Didn''t realize the old friend was your ex-hubby!

Congrats on the upcoming wedding

 

[monkeyprincess]

I couldn''t be in a relationship with someone who behaved this way, let alone contemplate getting engaged in the near future. If my fiance were to have a female confidant other than me or a family member with whom he discussed personal matters, it would be a dealbreaker. Having a professional relationship with an ex or being on friendly terms (as in saying hello and being cordial when you run into an ex) are acceptable, but actively pursuing a friendship and spending large amounts of time alone together is an entirely different matter. For me, I need to know I am the one woman my fiance turns to for affection, counselling, companionship, flattery, etc. To me that is what it means to be in an exclusive relationship.

 

[Winks_Elf]

I will start another thread so as to not threadjack. I wanted to keep things under wraps for as long as possible.

 

[blueberrydot]

Date: 4/6/2010 11:07:06 AM
Author: chemgirl
I do agree that its not all her. I would be a lot less annoyed with him if it were! He really doesn''t think that there''s anything innapropriate about the situation. He believes that its only seen as strange because of our culture and societal norms etc. etc. etc.

Oh my gawd. What the hell kind of an excuse is this?? There is a REASON societal norms are in place. If he was living in some kind of free-for-all nudist commune in the middle of the Amazon, of course this kind of crap would be ok. But he''s not. He''s living in a world where certain things are just not cool, and he needs to either deal with it or join the aforementioned nudist commune. My god. There are societies that allow having many wives - is this also something he thinks he would be just peachy if not for peoples'' pesky perceptions of "societal norms"? I mean, what else does he think is ok?? Does he expect other people (including you) to bend to HIS ideas about what''s normal and appropriate? Regardless of what he personally believes, it is NOT right for him to dismiss your unease with this situation as some sort of outdated adherence to "societal norms."

When reading this thread, I was appalled for you, but I wanted to get a guy''s take on the situation and explained this scenario to my boyfriend and asked what his thoughts would be if we were in the same position. He said that while he wouldn''t expect me to be angry or hurt (because of the nature of our relationship), it would completely understandable and not at all unreasonable if I DID feel angry or hurt. The fact that your bf deleted your friends from his facebook speaks VOLUMES to me - because he recognizes that people OTHER than you ALSO believe that this sort of behavior is inappropriate. If he truly thought there was nothing inappropriate about his behavior, he would see no need to delete your friends. And you are totally right - by deleting them, he''s only fostering MORE speculation and gossip.

I''m not going to tell you that your relationship is headed for disaster and you should run the other way - however, you and your bf need to have a LONG conversation about respecting each others'' feelings. This is not about you "dictating" the terms of your relationship - it is about the both of you coming to an agreement about behaviors and boundaries that you can both be comfortable with.

 

[Amber St. Clare]

Run. Now.

I am not a LIW {married 25 years}, so maybe I''m not supposed to chime in here but...way too many red flags here.

Get out while you can.

 

[stepcutgirl]

:banging head on monitor:

I''ve been you before. Run. You know deep down what you don''t want to admit.

 

[FrekeChild]

 

[PumpkinPie]

Date: 4/6/2010 12:14:09 PM
Author: elrohwen
Wow, I really don''t know what to say here. For what it''s worth, I don''t think you''re out of line at all. Friends with an ex is one thing, but I think he''s crossed a line by staying over at her house and spending lots of time going out one on one. This behavior wouldn''t be approrpriate with a regular female friend (and I''m for opposite sex friendships) at work and it''s certainly not approriate for an ex-girlfriend.


I don''t really have any advice. Maybe if you go to counseling the counselor will be able to tell him how ridiculous he''s being. I really feel for you

Also, I hate to say it, but often cheaters will turn the accusations around and make it *your* problem that you don''t trust him. I really hope he''s not cheating, but this stood out as a red flag to me.

Ditto! this is not the slightest bit acceptable - and him turning it around to make it your fault? manipulative!

 

[PumpkinPie]

alright - I just finished reading all the other posts again - and I am 100% in agreement with those who told you to get out now - although going to counselling will likely help you make that decision as I am pretty sure he will not be able to understand where his fault lies in this situation (despite the counsellor who in all likelihood will be on your side)
Give it a chance in counselling if you need to, but know that this is likely to be the result - and be grateful this is happening now instead of after the wedding!

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 4/6/2010 9:53:35 PM
Author: stepcutgirl
:banging head on monitor: You know deep down what you don''t want to admit.

Ditto. In thinking about it again -- deleting your friends from Facebook? Really? Really? Seems like he''s not so worried about being a part of their lives or maintaining relationships with THEM. Even though they are YOUR friends. Sounds like he''s checked out mentally already & wholly valuing the EX''s feelings & ideas & plans etc above yours.

They have seven, eight YEARS of history ... you have a scant few MONTHS. She still has a hold on him and he''s not being honest with you about it -- he many not even be honest with *himself* about it. But it doesn''t matter because he''s not treating YOU well. He''s not being a partner. Well maybe he is ... to her.

 

[Anastasia]

Chemgirl, You are saying that his ex is manipulative, but what I am reading is that HE is manipulative!

Making you explain why you have a problem with his ex? He is trying to make it look like you are the one with the problem. Lying to the ex about why he didn''t sleep over and then asking you to explain why this is a problem? I really have a hard time believing that this guy is that clueless. I think he is a manipulator and is testing you. He told you that if you weren''t so jealous it wouldn''t be a problem. If he weren''t acting like an a**, it wouldn''t be a problem.

When you have found person you want to spend the rest of your life with, you don''t want to do anything to jeopardize the relationship. If he really respected you, he would remove himself from the situation.

I also find it disturbing that he keeps sharing all of these details with you. It sounds cruel to me.

 

[SAPHIRINA]

I agree with everything that has been said so far. The point is that he''s disrespecting you by dismissing your feelings and apprehensions. Even if you were unreasonable in your concerns (which you are not), he still should give you the respect of listening and trying to work it out without immediately suggesting that you need to "fix" yourself by seeing a counselor.

In my opinion, his ex has nothing to do with the issue at hand, no matter what her intentions are. As you go through life together, you will encounter other manipulative or otherwise toxic people. Neither of you can control their behavior, but you sure can control how you deal with these people in a way that''s comfortable and acceptable to you BOTH.

 

[chemgirl]

Wow, I really want to thank everyone for their concern.

And you''re probably all going to think I''m really not getting it, but here''s my update anyway.

I was really surprised when he called me right after work since he''d had plans with her and a few of their mutual friends. ( He hasn''t been hanging out with her one on one other than the odd lunch at work. They usually go out for drinks after work as a group. She had also invited him to a few parties). He said that he cancelled because he thought that was what I wanted. I was a bit confused becuase I am ok with them hanging out if its in a group with coworkers. Anyway, he said he wasn''t going to talk to her outside of work anymore and he talked to her about the facebook stuff. I didn''t realize he was actually going to do the whole boundaries thing, since we''d left that talk without coming to any sort of agreement.

He said he realized that to her, it wasn''t an innocent friendship. He talked to her over lunch to cancel their plans and mentionede that he would rather her not call him pet names anymore. He said she started crying and accusing me of all sorts of things. He admited that he started off thinking that I had put him in that awkward situation, but now he realizes that their was something inapropriate about their friendship and that he must have been acting in a manner that lead her to believe something could happen between them.

So I am happy that he cared enough about my feelings to have a talk with her (without my pushing it). I''m still upset by the way he dealt with the situation. He should not have assumed I was just being jealous and posessive etc etc etc. Here I go defending him again, but its not like he started out the conversation saying that. He started off asking me to explain why it bothered me. I couldnt'' explain it and he had all of these reasons why I shouldn''t be worried about it (which made me feel like he wasn''t taking my reservations seriously). He said those things after more than an hour of argueing. He still thinks the root of the problem is that I don''t trust him (because if I trusted him I shouldn''t be worried about him and another girl...makes sense, but not really how it works!). So yeah...still issues, but at least it looks like we can talk about it more calmly now.

He had a list of couples councelors for the area where he''s working. He wants to do a few sessions when I''m visiting him in at the end of the month (he booked the ticket for me before he left, but I have my sister to join me if something happens).

And he explained the facebook thing. Not the best idea on his part, but he was upset that my friends were treating his facebook wall like a soap opera. Rather than think "hey, there''s probably something off here" he thought they were being catty etc. So yeah, clearly he is a bit backwards in his thinking.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 4/7/2010 10:03:08 AM
Author: chemgirl
He still thinks the root of the problem is that I don't trust him (because if I trusted him I shouldn't be worried about him and another girl...makes sense, but not really how it works!).

TRUST is a two-way street. He didn't TRUST your sense that there WAS a problem with the Ex, that her calling him pet names DID mean she had inappropriate feelings for him, and that HE was behaving in a way that fueled her fire, rather than stand up for you and your relationship.

Maybe the couples counseling will help him understand his part in these "miscommunications" and HIS OWN "lack of trust" issues.


ETA: Trust isn't just about did he cheat or not. Can you trust him to not put himself in situations that are dicey? Can you trust him to know what's appropriate and inappropriate? Can you trust him to put YOU before any one else? Can you trust that he knows himself well enough to know what he REALLY wants? Can you trust he's secure enough not to seek empty flattery when its more available than your attentions? TRUST isn't just the end game. Maybe you don't think he's CHEAT. (Hopefully you don't if you plan on marrying him). But can you TRUST all those other things -- and SHOULD you be able to with what he's shown you. That's fodder for more talks on the subject. I don't think he "gets" it. That he's black & white & not shades of gray.

 

[sunnyd]

If he wants you to trust him, he needs to not put himself in positions that would make you not trust him. Does that make sense (it's early). He shouldn't be testing your trust all the time then get mad when you tell him he's gone too far.

ETA: Should've just dittoed Deco's ETA.

 

[Hest88]

Date: 4/7/2010 10:57:20 AM
Author: sunnyd
He shouldn''t be testing your trust all the time then get mad when you tell him he''s gone too far.

Right. I''m glad he did this but I''m still worried. I''m feeling like he''s basically saying "Fine. You wanted me to cut it off with her, so even though I think you''re wrong I''m doing what you want. Happy now?"

I hope things work out, but I do also hope you won''t just dismiss this incident either. It''s not about the trust; it''s about the respect. I wouldn''t throw this in his face, but I also wouldn''t let him use it as an example of how he''s the one always "proving" he loves you. Instead, I''d make sure this wasn''t indicative of how he treats you and your friends vs. how he treats people he considers his peeps. Just...be cautious.

 

[Tuckins1]

Absolutely inappropriate for him or her to be sleeping at each others houses. I also find it inappropriate for them to be going to the bar/out to eat/hanging out daily. If it makes you uncomfortable, then its wrong. Period. I have an ex that I am still close friends with (even if we don''t talk for years, he will always be in my heart- as a friend) DH asked me not to invite him to our wedding because it made him uncomfortable. It made me sad, but I did not invite him. That''s what you do for the person you love.

 

[TooPatient]

Date: 4/7/2010 10:03:08 AM
Author: chemgirl
Wow, I really want to thank everyone for their concern.

And you''re probably all going to think I''m really not getting it, but here''s my update anyway.

I was really surprised when he called me right after work since he''d had plans with her and a few of their mutual friends. ( He hasn''t been hanging out with her one on one other than the odd lunch at work. They usually go out for drinks after work as a group. She had also invited him to a few parties). He said that he cancelled because he thought that was what I wanted. I was a bit confused becuase I am ok with them hanging out if its in a group with coworkers. Anyway, he said he wasn''t going to talk to her outside of work anymore and he talked to her about the facebook stuff. I didn''t realize he was actually going to do the whole boundaries thing, since we''d left that talk without coming to any sort of agreement.

He said he realized that to her, it wasn''t an innocent friendship. He talked to her over lunch to cancel their plans and mentionede that he would rather her not call him pet names anymore. He said she started crying and accusing me of all sorts of things. He admited that he started off thinking that I had put him in that awkward situation, but now he realizes that their was something inapropriate about their friendship and that he must have been acting in a manner that lead her to believe something could happen between them.

So I am happy that he cared enough about my feelings to have a talk with her (without my pushing it). I''m still upset by the way he dealt with the situation. He should not have assumed I was just being jealous and posessive etc etc etc. Here I go defending him again, but its not like he started out the conversation saying that. He started off asking me to explain why it bothered me. I couldnt'' explain it and he had all of these reasons why I shouldn''t be worried about it (which made me feel like he wasn''t taking my reservations seriously). He said those things after more than an hour of argueing. He still thinks the root of the problem is that I don''t trust him (because if I trusted him I shouldn''t be worried about him and another girl...makes sense, but not really how it works!). So yeah...still issues, but at least it looks like we can talk about it more calmly now.

He had a list of couples councelors for the area where he''s working. He wants to do a few sessions when I''m visiting him in at the end of the month (he booked the ticket for me before he left, but I have my sister to join me if something happens).

And he explained the facebook thing. Not the best idea on his part, but he was upset that my friends were treating his facebook wall like a soap opera. Rather than think ''hey, there''s probably something off here'' he thought they were being catty etc. So yeah, clearly he is a bit backwards in his thinking.

I''m glad he talked with her. Hopefully he realizes now what kind of situation he put himself in (and that it isn''t appropriate) and will listen to you in future.

Go to the counseling together and see what happens. He needs to understand what was so wrong about his behavior -- not just that he thought sleeping over was okay, but that he put the blame entirely on you and was VERY disrespectful to you.

Good luck. I hope it works out for you whatever you decide to do.

 

[lilyfoot]

chemgirl, I''m glad that he talked with his ex about boundaries, and you guys talked about the issues at hand also. I think going to see a counselor is definitely the right thing to do in this situation. I will say, IMO, I do feel like you''re not "getting it", as you said, but hopefully the counselor can help you guys work everything out. Personally, I just don''t like the way he spoke to you, and the way he was being manipulative about the situation.

Good luck!

 

[Winks_Elf]

Hmmm...my issues would have started when I realized he was spending more time outside of work with her than me. That right there would have been a red flag that would deserve a clueX4 upside the head.

It shouldn''t be that hard.