Friend''s with an ex?

[chemgirl]

I''ve been lurking for a while, but the engagement is so planned out right now that I didn''t really think to post until now.

I''ve been dating my boyfriend for about 8 months. He has a two month contract in another country so we''re doing long distance for a bit. I know he has the ring, and he told me that he is going to propose during my visit at the end of the month. I''m so excited!

So the issue. His contract is at the same company his ex of many many years works for. I was ok with it at first because he told me she was engaged and that he probably wouldn''t see her much at work anyway. I was never really thrilled with this ex because she doesn''t seem to be over him. She comments or likes everything he puts on facebook, even pictures with me in them! These messages aren''t "hey, you two look cute" messages. They''re "Hey, good job picking out that tie. I taught you well" messages.

Anyway, I could deal with just that. The problem is that they''re hanging out at work EVERY DAY. They go out to lunch, they go out for drinks after work, etc. I''m ok with it if there are other coworkers there, but I''m NOT ok with it one on one. I was especially freaked out when I heard that her engagement was actually just a joke...she pulled a joke on him by telling him she was engaged? To strange!

This situation came to a head Friday night when he informed me that he wouldn''t be able to send me an email before he went to bed (our routine when he''s out of town) because he''d be SLEEPING AT HER HOUSE! He really didn''t see why this was strange at all! I told him that I wasn''t comfortable with it. He questioned me on it, but agreed to come home (in his defense they live about 45 minutes apart so it is annoying to take the train home).

Everything was fine until Monday, when she asked him to tell her the real reason why she didn''t sleep over (he had lied and said he had plans early in the morning). He told her that I wasn''t comfortable with him sleeping there, and she got in to a big rant about how I clearly don''t trust him! Apparently she even asked him why he would marry me when we clearly had so many issues in our relationship!

He called me and tried to have me explain exactly why I''m not a fan of her (um because she''s manipulative and sticks her nose in our business?). We ended the discussion on good terms and I was confident that he understood my issues and it was fine. Well today I wake up to a phonecall from my sister. The ex wrote on his facebook wall using a term of endearment (darling)! I know I should have proceeded calmly, but I was so freaking mad that i decided to talk to him about it right away.

He didn''t see a problem with it at all. We had a really long conversation (when I was supposed to be leaving for work) about how I am too posessive and I care too much about what other people think. If I trusted him then it wouldn''t matter. He went on to say that they were together for so long (7 or 8 years) that she was one of his best friends and like family to him. Um...I''m your best friend and your family! The conversation ended with him saying that he still wants to marry me, but he wants us to go to counseling so I can work on my trust issues and my posessiveness.

I don''t know how this turned in to my having a problem? I suppose it could be, but really, I don''t think my demands are that unreasonable (that he doesn''t sleep over, that they hang out in groups, that he talk to her about the facebook stuff...that one can be one on one). Its not even that I don''t trust him. Its that I don''t trust her! If she were to make a physical pass at him I''m sure he''d leave! I''m worried that she''ll act in such a way and make comments that will interfere with our relationship. I feel that her behavior is not appropriate (and neither is his, but he''s really clueless).

Anyway, I guess I''m asking for advice on how to properly articulate my problem, or how to get over it. I have explained it to him in terms i''ve used here. He just doesn''t get it. He says that if I believe in "us" then its not a problem.

 

[mickeyva]

UGHHH. She sounds a little annoying. First, it''s none of her business why he didn''t sleep over. Second, your relationship with him is none of her business! Who is she to be giving him unsolicited advice? Your relationship is between you and him, not with his ex.

And, for what it''s worth I would totally have felt the same way you did about him spending the night and asking him to come home instead. It''s one thing to be friends with an ex, a whole other story to be spending the night. But, at least to his credit, he was honest with you and told you his plans before he did it so you could have an honest discussion (kudos to him!). So, to him, it probably wasn''t a big deal, cause like you said, if she tried something he''d leave, but she sounds like she''s overstepping the bounds of being friends with him. So no, I don''t think your demands are unreasonable, I would feel the same way, but maybe that means I have trust issues???

 

[LadyJane83]

I''m sorry you are going through this.

I don''t think you are being unreasonable at all. How long ago did he and his ex break up? This might be ok if they dated as teenagers and are now in their thirties or something similar....

I don''t think it is ok for one person to dictate who the other is friends with (including exes) but there is a fine line. I think your boyfriend has crossed that line and put you in an awkward situation. He should respect your feelings, instead of brushing them off like you are "jealous" or "possessive." To be honest, I probably wouldn''t trust someone who was constantly opening up themselves to temptation by hanging out with an ex for drinks everyday and trying to sleep at their place. I might not even like this if it was just a female friend that he has always had a platonic relationship with.

I don''t have much advice, but I would strongly caution you against accepting his proposal until you have these issues worked out. Maybe counseling is not a bad idea. Maybe a neutral, third person could open his eyes to how his behavior is affecting you. In short, his friendship with this woman is inappropriate... it is hard to fathom how he doesn''t see that.

 

[RaiKai]

I do keep in touch casually with some of my exes. Mainly as we had long relationships and remained friends. It is all completely out in the open. My husband and I both have friends of the opposite sex and have boundaries that we have agreed to with them, and remain primary intimate partners with each other (meaning don't keep secrets from each other, talk about our friends openly, etc). The boundaries are well known, and our friends know very well the importance of our partner in our lives and our marriage. We treat, and talk, about one another with great respect to each other and our friends.

Your SO seems to be getting extremely cozy with this ex of his however. Hanging out daily, sleeping over at her house (yes, he did not, but he actually blamed you for his not doing so?). Now, he cannot control what she calls him (i.e. darling) though he can certainly tell her his boundaries (i.e. no pet names)...and what he CAN control are his own actions. And what he CAN control is making his ex aware that he will not accept her badmouthing you, and that you are his primary intimate partner. It does not sound like he is doing ANY of this. Indeed, he is standing up for HER instead of making it clear how important you are to him. I understand he may want to continue a friendship with her - alright - but this is definitely not doing so in a healthy way.

Sorry, while I do think one can have a healthy friendship with a person of the opposite sex or even an ex with some healthy boundaries in place known to all parties.....your situation is sending up big red flags all over the place. Especially if he is turning it on to you. Maybe you are jealous, or maybe you are possessive (I don't know) but that does not mean this is all on you and he is just an innocent bystander in it all. Believe me, I have dated men who will turn things around and deny any responsibility. There is a reason I stopped dating them. Healthy relationships, and healthy partners, do not address conflicts that way.

And girl, STOP STOP STOP making excuses for HIM. You are putting on the blame on his ex. She is inappropriate but...he ALLOWS IT! He is NOT clueless (and if he really is, why would you want to marry someone who is clueless to your feelings and unwilling to discuss healthy boundaries, etc with you?). Sorry, but neither of those make for a good boyfriend, never mind a good husband.

Definitely go to counseling together if you want to continue this relationship, but he better be as willing to look at analyzing his own behaviour as he seems to be analyzing yours. Somehow, I think he hopes counseling will just point out your own actions, and as soon as it gets personal he will try to find a way out of it (i.e. the counselor is biased, etc). Maybe though, he really will give it an honest go.

 

[legallyspoiled]

I think it is all about boundaries and certain boundaries just should never be crossed. I have a friend who has struggled with this in her marriage. It is best to deal with it now. You need to sit down and have a long discussion. I think that all of your concerns are valid and reasonable. The reason we have boundaries is so that there will never been any doubt or questions about our actions. Even more, if you are aware and abide by boundaries, you are less likely to end up in a compromising situation where you could potentially do something that you regret. I don''t think it is a trust issue and don''t let anyone tell you that it is! I''m not going to go as far to assume that she would intentionally plant an idea in his head. Maybe she just doesn''t have a good sense of what is appropriate behavior.

At least his time there is brief! However, I would still have a talk with about what you think are reasonable boundaries in such situations for the future, and be sure to explain why such boundaries are important.

 

[chemgirl]

Thanks! I feel less like a crazy person.

He is fantastic and I have no reason not to trust him. I just don''t know about her and her motives. My current plan is to go to a few of these work outings while I''m visitng him at the end of the month. I think that meeting her and seeing how they interact might help (or make it a lot worse depending).

They broke up a little less than a year before we started dating. That makes it around a year and a half since they broke up. We''re in our late twenties.

 

[karpouzi]

Oh, I really don''t like this. I really, really don''t like this.

Everything you''ve articulated sounds perfectly sound, and if your boyfriend still doesn''t understand why his patently inappropriate closeness to his ex while he is working in another country bothers you--and it should bother you, IMO, a lot--after you''ve laid it out so clearly, I too would rethink getting engaged at this point.

This really has shades of a previous relationship I was in. I won''t go into it except to say that one piece of advice I might give you is to see if you can get people he trusts to comment about his friendship with his ex. If he sees that his family and friends think that the relationship is unacceptable, it might open his eyes.

For him to turn this into YOUR problem also brings me back to that previous relationship I was in, which did not end well.

Stand your ground. Whatever he tries to do to turn this around on you, this is HIS behavior and at best it''s something you need to work out equally together.

 

[sunnyd]

Wow, this was not what I expected when I opened this thread!

I''m so sorry you have to deal with this, and from another country to boot! It''s hard not being able to talk face to face.

Here''s what I think: women are manipulative weasels when they want something. Clearly, this woman wants to be your BF''s number one, so she''s coming between you two by being the best friend. He''ll go to her with the issues in your relationship so she can convince him how wrong it is. Then she can make her move. (I feel like I''m writing a script!)

RaiKai is right on. This woman''s behavior is totally unacceptable, but your BF is allowing it, so he''s definitely not blameless in this situation. Then he gets mad at you for being jealous?! Sounds like her plan is working...

 

[chemgirl]

I do agree that its not all her. I would be a lot less annoyed with him if it were! He really doesn''t think that there''s anything innapropriate about the situation. He believes that its only seen as strange because of our culture and societal norms etc. etc. etc. While I do agree that it is important to question the status quo, I do think that a lot of rules are there for a reason. Mainly, I feel that there should be boundaries with an ex. Some of them should be really obvious (ie no pet names on the facebook wall).

He says that I am just upset about this because of public perception, so he has deleted my friends from his facebook friends list. I''m really not happy about this either. I don''t think that solves the problem in any way. Now instead of gossiping about my boyfriend and his ex, they are gossiping about how my boyfriend deleted them all from facebook. (I just found this out...a few girlfriends asked if we''d broken up because they were nolonger given access to his facebook page...its his birthday so they were trying to wish him a happy one).

Anyway, this issue will certainly be dealt with before I accept any kind of proposal. I really can''t even see going another 3 weeks like this. Its like everyday there is another ex story.

 

[karpouzi]

You sound really mature and clear-headed about this. I just want to say good luck and stay strong.

 

[blacksand]

I've been friends with my exes, but never very successfully. I'm not saying it can’t be done, but I’ll be honest: in my experience, every time I tried to be friends with an ex, either I still had feelings or the ex still had feelings. It never ended well. Still, lots of people say they have healthy, platonic relationships with exes, so I don’t know. I’d agree if they dated as teens or something, years ago, and not very seriously, it might be okay. But if they dated for so many years and only broke up a year and a half ago, it’s probably still fairly fresh.

Whatever their relationship, what really matters here is his dismissing your feelings. That’s not okay. Even if you were being unreasonable, as your intended life partner, he absolutely needs to take your feelings seriously and consider the impact of his actions on you. All the time. I’m glad he at least tells you what’s going on and was willing to change his plans when you told him you were not okay with him sleeping at her place, but he really should have known that it was inappropriate without having to be told. And to turn around and say that you have issues, and that he “still wants to marry you” (implying that he would even entertain the idea of not marrying you because you expressed your perfectly reasonable opinion), is NOT okay. Like you’re supposed to be grateful that he “still” wants to marry you? He is the one who should be doing everything in his power to make you happy at this point, since he knows he has upset you.

He deleted all your friends from his facebook? Seriously? So they would not gossip about his inappropriate behavior?

I wish you the best of luck, but I would absolutely NOT marry this guy until you have at least had some counseling, set clear ground rules you can both stick to, and he understands that your feelings matter.

 

[AnneTossy]

First of all, let me just congratulate you on being so mature about this situation. Something similar happened to me and I about flipped my lid. I woke my SO up out of his sleep with a swift slap to the face It seems to me that this isn''t an issue about trust but more of an issue of respect. I understand he doesn''t see anything wrong with this picture but when you''ve clearly stated that you''re uncomfrotable with the situation, he should be taking your feelings into much more consideration then he is.

How would he feel if you were a country away galavanting with an old flame? I''m sure he wouldn''t take it well if the situation was reversed. I would just try to reinterate that this isn''t about trust but more about him respecting your feelings about something you aren''t comfrotable with. Hang in there, I hope everything works out ok for you two. Please update us on what happens! Good luck girl!

 

[LadyBlue]

I''m here boiling for you. If my DH did that, he would be dead

 

[chemgirl]

Karpoozi (sp?)-thanks, but I''m not really not dealing with it very well in real life. It just seems to come across that way in writing. I do realize that we need to work on this before getting engaged because I have images of his birthdays after we''re married...her running up to him, saying "happy birthday darling!" and giving him a big hug. I''m sure I''d have a great time at that party trying to keep my composure.

Blacksand - the "I still want to marry you" comment was probably not so bad in the context of the conversation. I was telling him about how I felt like I was being put on trial because of bad feelings I couldn''t explain with regards to his beviour with his ex (you know the bad squee you get when something just feels off?). He was trying to get me to explain them and I really can''t...well I can''t without saying anything about her being manipulative, nosy, etc. etc. etc. so I just avoid that. Ok, moral of the story is that he said he wasn''t comfortable with changing his behaviour when I can''t explain why he should. He was concerned that this would transfer over to other parts of his life and I would be dictating his behaviour all of the time (this is really the first time its happened). In that conversation he said he was starting to rethink things. I said "what do you mean" and he replied with "Don''t worry, I still want to marry you, but..." I thought he was saying he was second guessing us getting engaged, so he was clearing that up.

I am not second guessing getting engaged, but I am thinking that we should put it off until after this is sorted out. I have a few friends with ex''s in their marriages and its not a situation I want to be in. I think that being friends, keeping in touch, and hanging out with mutual friends is fine. I also have male friends and expect my boyfriend to have female friends. However, one of my friends had her husband''s ex fiance at the wedding and to me (and to her) that''s not ok (unless both parties have discussed it and are comfortable with it) I really don''t want to be explaining to him why she can''t be a bridesmaid or something rediculus like that!

 

[jewelz617]

I am great friends with an ex. We dated when I was 19. I''m now 26 and happily married with a child, as is he. We''ve done a ton of theater work together, so pretty much all our friends are mutual. We''ve gone out for drinks a few times to catch up on theater gossip. DH knew and told me to go have a good time, they have even met before.

Having said that, we get together MAYBE once or twice a year. Sleepovers? Not on your life. I wouldn''t even dream of going to his house without my husband there. We don''t text. We''re FB friends, but we don''t talk there, he''s commented on pics of my daughter to say congratulations and how cute she is.

I think you know your boyfriend crossed a line. NOT cool. There is a big difference between a casual "we dated but we''re cool" friendship and what he''s doing. I wouldn''t put up with that behavior and I don''t think you want to either.

 

[LadyJane83]

Maybe explain to him that we have these societal norms because our culture is generally monogamous (or tries to be).

At the core, monogamy is why most people establish boundaries with their exes AND with members of the opposite sex in general [assuming heterosexual] when they are married or in a serious and monogamous relationship.

Your status as a monogamous couple is why his friendship with the ex presents a "public perception" problem. History, evolution, and experience tell us that the type of relationship he is having with his ex simply doesn''t work for most people who want to be in monogamous relationships. I don''t think this is some sort of puritannical backlash....

 

[fieryred33143]

Whether or not she is still in love with him or being manipulative isn't really the issue here. She owes herself respect, not you. So if she finds it acceptable to invite a man who is seeing someone else into her home to "sleepover" then that's her business. She doesn't owe you anything.

The issue here is strictly with your future fiancé. I get the impression from your post that he has very little respect for your feelings OR he feels "out of sight, out of mind."

He should not find that sleeping over another woman's house is acceptable. I don't care if he has to take a 45 minute train home. I drive an hour to and from work every day. I'm not going to sleep on my male coworker's couch just because he lives closer to work. I'm not going to ask my ex who I'm sure lives in this area (have no idea where he is now) if it's ok for me to stay in his house.

If her calling him little pet names is bothering you, then he should respect that. He should not delete your friends from his facebook so that they don't see it (

). He should tell her that his name is John Doe and that is what she should refer to him as. I would understand if you were both ok with the pet names but you are not, therefore it is not ok.

I'm curious: how long ago did they break up before you two started dating?

I agree with Sunny. This girl has a plan...and it's working. He's getting mad at you for being "jealous" (P.S. it's not jealousy when what you are getting upset over is completely reasonable). Next in the plan will be for her to say things like "why is she jealous? When you and I were together, I never got jealous like that" and then he'll start comparing you to her. It's only a matter of time.

 

[elrohwen]

Wow, I really don''t know what to say here. For what it''s worth, I don''t think you''re out of line at all. Friends with an ex is one thing, but I think he''s crossed a line by staying over at her house and spending lots of time going out one on one. This behavior wouldn''t be approrpriate with a regular female friend (and I''m for opposite sex friendships) at work and it''s certainly not approriate for an ex-girlfriend.

I don''t really have any advice. Maybe if you go to counseling the counselor will be able to tell him how ridiculous he''s being. I really feel for you

Also, I hate to say it, but often cheaters will turn the accusations around and make it *your* problem that you don''t trust him. I really hope he''s not cheating, but this stood out as a red flag to me.

 

[sunnyd]

Date: 4/6/2010 12:14:04 PM
Author: fiery

Whether or not she is still in love with him or being manipulative isn''t really the issue here. She owes herself respect, not you. So if she finds it acceptable to invite a man who is seeing someone else into her home to ''sleepover'' then that''s her business. She doesn''t owe you anything.

The issue here is strictly with your future fiancé. I get the impression from your post that he has very little respect for your feelings OR he feels ''out of sight, out of mind.''

He should not find that sleeping over another woman''s house is acceptable. I don''t care if he has to take a 45 minute train home. I drive an hour to and from work every day. I''m not going to sleep on my male coworker''s couch just because he lives closer to work. I''m not going to ask my ex who I''m sure lives in this area (have no idea where he is now) if it''s ok for me to stay in his house.

If her calling him little pet names is bothering you, then he should respect that. He should not delete your friends from his facebook so that they don''t see it (

). He should tell her that his name is John Doe and that is what she should refer to him as. I would understand if you were both ok with the pet names but you are not, therefore it is not ok.

I''m curious: how long ago did they break up before you two started dating?

I agree with Sunny. This girl has a plan...and it''s working. He''s getting mad at you for being ''jealous'' (P.S. it''s not jealousy when what you are getting upset over is completely reasonable). Next in the plan will be for her to say things like ''why is she jealous? When you and I were together, I never got jealous like that'' and then he''ll start comparing you to her. It''s only a matter of time.

Bingo.

 

[lulu]

I don''t believe what he''s telling you. There is no good reason for him to stay overnight at her house or even to be in her house. I think he''s still feeling something for the ex and wants to explore these feelings while keeping you on the line and making you feel defensive. Your responses are perfectly normal. If they haven''t started an intimate relationship they''re sure close to it. I''m sorry this is going on.

 

[Haven]

Date: 4/6/2010 12:14:04 PM
Author: fiery
Whether or not she is still in love with him or being manipulative isn''t really the issue here. She owes herself respect, not you. So if she finds it acceptable to invite a man who is seeing someone else into her home to ''sleepover'' then that''s her business. She doesn''t owe you anything.

The issue here is strictly with your future fiancé. I get the impression from your post that he has very little respect for your feelings OR he feels ''out of sight, out of mind.''

He should not find that sleeping over another woman''s house is acceptable. I don''t care if he has to take a 45 minute train home. I drive an hour to and from work every day. I''m not going to sleep on my male coworker''s couch just because he lives closer to work. I''m not going to ask my ex who I''m sure lives in this area (have no idea where he is now) if it''s ok for me to stay in his house.

If her calling him little pet names is bothering you, then he should respect that. He should not delete your friends from his facebook so that they don''t see it (

). He should tell her that his name is John Doe and that is what she should refer to him as. I would understand if you were both ok with the pet names but you are not, therefore it is not ok.

I''m curious: how long ago did they break up before you two started dating?

I agree with Sunny. This girl has a plan...and it''s working. He''s getting mad at you for being ''jealous'' (P.S. it''s not jealousy when what you are getting upset over is completely reasonable). Next in the plan will be for her to say things like ''why is she jealous? When you and I were together, I never got jealous like that'' and then he''ll start comparing you to her. It''s only a matter of time.

Fiery is right on, here.

She doesn''t matter. If you do marry this man, he is the one you will live with for the rest of your life, and *he* is the one who needs to learn to respect your feelings and to set appropriate boundaries.

I''m sorry to be so blunt here, but if I were you I would be out of this relationship so fast. He''s disrespecting you, he doesn''t care that you''re uncomfortable with your behavior, and so much so that he''s blaming you for your discomfort. But most importantly: HE IS DISRESPECTING YOU. Big time.

His first response to your concerns should be "Oh wow, I''m hurting Chemgirl, I really want to stop doing that" and not "Wow, Chemgirl is a jealous and controlling girlfriend, she needs counseling."

I''ve been with my husband for nearly six years, and during that time my feelings have been hurt by rational and completely irrational things. Every time I''ve brought up a concern to him, he''s responded by fully listening to everything, telling me he''s sorry I felt that way, and asking what we can do to make it better. FOR ME, your SO''s response would be a deal breaker.

I''m wondering if there''s a maturity issue here. All the facebook nonsense sounds like teenage behavior, to me. Maybe he just has a lot of growing up to do. I''m in my late twenties and I don''t know anyone who plays shenanigans like that on facebook.

I''m sorry you''re so upset, and I''m sorry to be harsh but I''m just telling you what *I* would do. If you want someone who will respect you, you have to demand it (which you started to do by bringing up your concerns) and if he refuses, yet you stay, then you''re allowing him to treat you poorly.

 

[chemgirl]

lulu- he didn''t actually stay over at her house. There was a birthday party for a coworker so they were all going out for drinks. He told me that he would probably just sleep there because its a long train ride home and the trains don''t run very late. I said I wasn''t comfortable with it, and he didn''t go to her house. I may be nieve, but I don''t think he will physically cheat on me. I''m just not sure if he understands the whole "emotional cheating" thing.

They do hang out all of the time and talk about private things. He has agreed not to talk about our relationship with her (but he did talk about the trust thing when she brought it up...I told him in the future I would prefer for him to let her know that we would rather not have it discussed). She really seems to have no boundaries with him and even told him about the guy she hooked up with on Saturday night! At least he''s telling me all of it so I feel he''s not hiding anything.

He said that the last year of their relationship they behaved like roomates and didn''t really do anything physical. Neither wanted to break it off because they were comfortable, but clearly it wasn''t working out. He ended up accepting a job back here (where he grew up and went to school). He ended it, but he said it wasn''t really a relationship anymore. I''m saying this because I don''t think its something either one of them would ever want to go back to.

Anyway, I''m still frustrated about how to explain something that isn''t really tangeable. I like the idea of going to counselling and seeing what they say. It will probably help for him to have an opinion from an impartial party. Oops looks like I am assuming that the counselor will agree with me...

Also UK posters...he''s saying that there''s nothing abnormal with her calling him Darling, and Honeybun etc. and its a cultural thing. She is living in London, but moved there a few years ago from Canada so I''m not buying it. However, if this was a part of everyday language where they are living I would at least be able to cross that off my list of ex complaints.

Oh, and they work together because they used to work for the same company before they broke up. He is self employed and had a large setback with his business so we decided together that the best course of action would be for him to look for contract work until it was "busy season" with his own business. He put out feelers to some of his old employers and he recived an offer from that company.

 

[KittyGolightly]

I''m so sorry you''re going through this. My heart just breaks for you because I''ve been there.

Run. Run from this guy and don''t look back. If he doesn''t "get" why he''s being completely irresponsible and disrespectful, he''s not good enough to be your husband.

 

[dragonfly411]

Friends is one thing - sleeping over is quite another.

Please stop standing up for him. Please start laying out some ground rules. Please don''t get married to this man yet.

Good luck.

 

[decodelighted]

Man! He's on the right track with the counseling idea .... only it's HIM who needs to learn how to be respectful and considerate of his future life partner - and not so d*mn SELFISH and thoughtless and DENSE.

"Don't worry, I still want to marry you but?" SAY WHAT? What is it Dr Phil says == when you say "but" it really means "forget everything I just said & now listen to what I really mean". RETHINKING THINGS???

You guys have only dated 8 months in your early/mid-twenties -- and some of that time has been long distance. He really could be having cold feet about committing. And maybe you are too! Did you have ANY IDEA how he'd behave in this circumstance? That he'd BLAME YOU for feeling vulnerable about him being so buddy buddy, sleepover chums with his EX OF 7 YEARS?? He should be bending over backwards to make sure you are totally comfortable with the situation ... not SHAMING YOU and discussing your "problem" with THE FREAKIN EX?????? HOLY MOLY.

Honestly, if you knew him better maybe you would have more innate TRUST. Your relationship would be built on years of ups & downs and he'd have a track record of behavior. But you don't. Which is why maybe getting engaged right now isn't such a good idea for either of you -- where that couples counseling sounds ACES.


ETA: Would he really be okay with you hanging out with YOUR Ex every day, going out for lunch & drinks & then crashing over at his house??? REALLY? Because maybe you should schedule some sleepovers asap.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

This whole situation stinks....like fish....invest more time if you like, but I think you need a solid slap from reality. This is bad news and you deserve better than this "guy"-note I didn''t say man-who treats you like this.

 

[lilyfoot]

Friends with exes? Sure, why not?

Sleepovers with exes .. not so much. (Yes, I realize he didn''t actually stay, but he was going to until you said no; therefore he thinks the idea of sleeping over at an ex''s house is ok).

You seem to be making a lot of excuses for him, chemgirl, and blaming this all on the ex. Like fiery said, his ex doesn''t owe you anything. You are in a relationship with HIM, he is the only person you should be thinking about, and focusing on. If there is a problem in your relationship, it is solely caused by issues between you and him, not a third party.

He is spending all this time with his ex because he wants to. He is letting her carry on calling him "darling" and "honey" and who knows what else, because he wants to. He is trying to sleep over at her house because he wants to. He is talking to her about your relationship and other personal issues, because he wants to. He is letting his relationship with her upset you because he wants to.

chemgirl, I''m not trying to say your boyfriend is a bad person, but he is certainly, IMO, not being a good partner. What he is doing is plain disrespectful, not to mention the manipulative and controlling techniques he''s using on you (i.e. making YOU think YOU''RE the one in the wrong).

Personally, I''d just let them have each other, it''s obvious that''s what they want.

 

[Hest88]

I see huge red flags here and, in your position, I *would* think twice about getting engaged.

Like a few other gals here, I''ve been in this position before. It''s a matter of respect, and making sure your guy respects you and your desires above all other people. Note I didn''t say "women"---I said people. If you are to be his wife, partner, and helpmate for the rest of your lives, the two of you need to put the other way above all others.

Like Sunny said, you''re being set up as the bad guy right now, and his ex is coming across as the good guy. I don''t know if he still has feelings for her or not, but I think it''s obvious that he''s not treating you with the respect your deserve as his girlfriend. He''s not standing up for you, and he''s making it seem like you''re the one with the problem. This is bad. Very bad. If he''s not willing to cut this woman from his life on a personal level, at least for the next year or so, then he will be allowing her to continue manipulating him and it will also speak volumes about her value in his life compared to yours.

 

[CurlySue]

Date: 4/6/2010 1:43:50 PM
Author: lilyfoot


He is spending all this time with his ex because he wants to. He is letting her carry on calling him ''darling'' and ''honey'' and who knows what else, because he wants to. He is trying to sleep over at her house because he wants to. He is talking to her about your relationship and other personal issues, because he wants to. He is letting his relationship with her upset you because he wants to.

This paragraph by Lilyfoot is exactly what I was thinking. He''s behaving how he wants to behave despite the fact that you - who he claims is his future fiancee/wife - are upset by this behavior.

Either he is a completely unaware moron or he is just disrespecting you.

You clearly know something is wrong with this situation, but unfortunately, you are still finding ways to justify his behavior. So you''re sort of riding the fence right now - you''re upset but OK with making excuses for him. Until you hop on one side of the fence or the other, nothing''s really going to change.

Good luck.

 

[Indylady]

I don''t like this for many reasons, and spending the night with his ex is the least of them.

Major issues:

He wants you to go to counseling after hearing judgements that his ex made. Instead of defending you, or at least ending the conversation, he chose to ask you to go to counseling. This makes it seem like you are being cornered by him. Her comments have now begun to affect you and how he thinks of you.
He tried to have you explain why you don''t like her. Seems like you are cornered again.

He lied to the ex about why he didn''t spend the night. There was no reason for him to like to his ex. Your reasoning was valid, and even if it wasn''t, "because doing this makes my girlfriend uncomfortable" is a valid reason. \

He thinks you''ll start controlling his life dictating his behavior. Now this is irriational. Making a concession isn''t the same as turning over your rights. Talk about a mountain out of a molehill.

He deleted your friends after you got upset. When the ex gets upset, he takes it out on you. When you get upset, he takes it out on you. And then, it takes it out on your friends.

Minor issues:

You''re defending him..you think he''s clueless? He''s an adult, with a career and his own business and a 7 year relationship in his past. There''s no way that he''s clueless that this behavior isn''t appropriate.

He deleted your friends on Facebook? That is just embarrassing. And awkward. And immature. And sketchy.

Instead of seeing it was weird when his EX calls him darling, he thinks its just "cultural"? Of course, he''s above all that cultural stuff, and that stuff that has to do with what people think of him and you. He is above monogamy too? He''s so above it that he deleted your friends cause he just doesn''t care what they think? Does that make sense?