Difficult situtation - advice needed

[RBlover]

Hi everyone

Firslty let me say I am a LIW who has created a new account just for this topic as I want to remian as anonymous as possible.

Ok where do I begin? I''ll try and make this as simple as possible but apologies in advance if it gets complicated.

My sister recently got engaged to her BF of 6 years. She asked me to be her only "adult" bridesmaid which I accepted. Now we have had a bit of a firey relationship so I was ratehr surprised that she asked me but thought it was a nice gesture. I think it is worth mentioning here that she is a very controlling character, esp towards me and will often try and belittle and embarress me in public

Now her engagement party was yesterday. She rang me when she was planning it and said it was so important to her that i attend and what weeknd could I NOT do - i said the weekend of the 9th as I was due to work, also BF was away for the weekend - so she goes ahead and books it for the 9th claiming she forgot I was busy. ok so I try and re-arrange my weekends etc so i can attend.

I was on the phone to her a few days before the party and her fiance was in the background deliberatley trying to wind me up. He was saying that a certain guy was going to be attending and kept saying his name over and over again with my sister laughing. The guy in question I do not particularly like as I went to a party with him over 2 years ago which invovled us staying in the same bed together - i thought nothing of it as i thought he was just my friend and I clearly and he clearly stipulated there was nothing more invovled. He tried it on, i said no. I littel while later I got a text from sis asking if I had done anything with this guy etc, i said no but queried why she was asking as I know she had him round for dinner earlier in the week. She said no reason. I left it there. She sent the same text a few months later and again I said no but wanted to know why she kept asking as I questioned whether HE had said something, sis claimed she could not remember and why was i being so "tetchy". I said becasue I do not want someone saying things about me that are not true and that it was really important that she believed me - needless to say she didn''t and her response was she assumed I would have slept with him!!!

So anyway FBIL kept saying this guys name over and over again in the background i think just to p$%s me off. I was begginng to feel very uneasy about going so i discussed it with my therapist and a descion was taken that I attend but leave early.

So I attend with present, food etc as requested. things were going fine and well. Until the mother of 3 samll children (8,10 and 10) asked why FBIL had told them that when they say hello to me they should tell me to stop being so grumpy! Needless to say the girsl didn''t say that but told mum instead who told me. I questioed him there and then infront fo everyone and he just shrugged his shoulders and walked off. I asked him again later and he said he was "only trying to wind me up"!

Ok to fastforward and hour or two and i was chatting to another guy (R) who I know from there crowd. Again about 2 and half years ago I shared a couple of intoxicated kisses with this guy and exchanged a few texts but nothing more. He started being extremely rude about my BF ( who was not there) deliberatley forgetting his name, then calling him a girls name etc He then proceeds to tell my brother whilst I was there about what happened between us but in a rather derogatory way so I walked off mid conversation. A littel while later i walked into the kitchen where FBIL, his brother, R and one or two others were. Everyone laughed when I walked in and somebody told R to stop being so rude, I asked what he had said and R told me that FBIL had said the kitchen was the worst room in the house, R then said "no its not but it is now" when I walked in - I looked at eveyone then walked away from them.

Throughout the day I was very aware of R''s girlfriend "talking" about me to 2 of her friends - and I''m sure it wasn''t a "where did she get her dress from" type of conversation as they were very blatent, obviuosly staring and huddling together and giggling.

I left the party with my parents who were aware of what had happened. I spoke to BF and tol dhim what had happened. now I don''t know what to do. I really want to talk to my sister and tell her how upset I was and that FBIl behaviour is unacceptable but I know she will take his side and say he was only joking etc. At the moment don''t feel I want to be her bridesmaid if this is what I have to put up with and my parents support this train of thought

Am I over reacting? Any advice on where to go from here

Thanks for listening

 

[Haven]

I''m sorry you went through all of that, and I don''t think you''re overreacting by being hurt.

It does sound like your sister and FBIL are extremely immature; how old are they? I don''t even see much of this kind of taunting among my high school students, they''re normally beyond that by HS. I''m not sure if speaking with your sister will help, as it sounds like she may not be adult enough to have a serious conversation about this or to realize what she''s doing.

I''m sorry if I sound harsh, I can''t believe your own sister treated you this way, and allowed her future husband to do the same. I''m so sorry for you.

 

[Ellen]

Date: 8/10/2008 11:38:53 AM
Author: Haven
I'm sorry you went through all of that, and I don't think you're overreacting by being hurt.

It does sound like your sister and FBIL are extremely immature; how old are they? I don't even see much of this kind of taunting among my high school students, they're normally beyond that by HS. I'm not sure if speaking with your sister will help, as it sounds like she may not be adult enough to have a serious conversation about this or to realize what she's doing.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh, I can't believe your own sister treated you this way, and allowed her future husband to do the same. I'm so sorry for you.

That's exactly what I asked reading this. Very immature behavior....

I wouldn't blame you for not wanting to be in her wedding, but realize that if you tell her you don't, that might end what relationship you do have (not sure if that would bother you or not). Sorry this happened to you.

 

[RBlover]

Thanks Haven for your kind words

My sis is 28 and FBIL is 30. i have discussed what happened with my best friend and it was felt that R still has feelings for me and is jealous of the relationship i have with my BF. R spent some time talking to my mother about me at the party and she did actually have to say to him that she was my mom and that I had a partner of 18months who i lived with - R professed to her that he no longer had feelings for me and was over me.
It was also felt that becasue I won''t join in with their "games" I was singled out....... you''re right it''s like being back in HS although worse.
I also think you are right Haven when you said my sister won''t listen and she won''t. She ALWAYS takes FI sideand won''t hear a bad word against him. However I also know that if the shoe was on the other foot she would be going mental at me right now calling me every name under the sun.

So what do i do? I do know I really don''t want to have to put up with that behaviour again

 

[RBlover]

Thanks Ellen

I know that if i do go down the route of pulling out of her wedding then the fallout will be extreme. Having said that my father did say I have to stick up for myself and my BF who was not there to defend himself. My father was also warned me that if I do say something to her along the lines " that behaviour was unacceptable, if it continues I will not be in the wedding" then she may well say fine!

 

[Ellen]

Date: 8/10/2008 11:59:06 AM
Author: RBlover
Thanks Ellen

I know that if i do go down the route of pulling out of her wedding then the fallout will be extreme. Having said that my father did say I have to stick up for myself and my BF who was not there to defend himself. My father was also warned me that if I do say something to her along the lines ' that behaviour was unacceptable, if it continues I will not be in the wedding' then she may well say fine!

This could possibly be your answer. I agree, you should stick up for yourself. So you might go ahead and tell her if it happens again, you're out. Then you've let her know how you feel, and either she'll stop because she really wants you in it, or she'll tell you she doesn't, and you're off the hook. (and then you will know how she truly feels)

 

[RBlover]

I know you are right Ellen - to be honest I currently don''t know which answer i want her to give if that makes sense.......

 

[Ellen]

Date: 8/10/2008 12:19:06 PM
Author: RBlover
I know you are right Ellen - to be honest I currently don''t know which answer i want her to give if that makes sense.......

Actually, it does. I understand.

I wish you much luck in this, it''s a tough situation.

 

[Independent Gal]

Date: 8/10/2008 11:51:43 AM
Author: Ellen

Date: 8/10/2008 11:38:53 AM

Author: Haven

I'm sorry you went through all of that, and I don't think you're overreacting by being hurt.


It does sound like your sister and FBIL are extremely immature; how old are they? I don't even see much of this kind of taunting among my high school students, they're normally beyond that by HS. I'm not sure if speaking with your sister will help, as it sounds like she may not be adult enough to have a serious conversation about this or to realize what she's doing.


I'm sorry if I sound harsh, I can't believe your own sister treated you this way, and allowed her future husband to do the same. I'm so sorry for you.

That's exactly what I asked reading this. Very immature behavior....


I wouldn't blame you for not wanting to be in her wedding, but realize that if you tell her you don't, that might end what relationship you do have (not sure if that would bother you or not). Sorry this happened to you.

I have to agree with these ladies. This sounds like the way a 10-12 year old girl might behave. It's completely pathetic. I don't know what to say beyond that because I'm just shocked that someone who is 'old enough' to get married is such a huge pathetic baby. It's just so lame.

I guess I also agree that the right move it is to make clear that she's being childish. If you behave like a grown-up, that's all you can do. So if she baits you, scold her like you'd scold a child. Don't let it get a rise out of you. Just say "Your behaviour toward me is childish and unacceptable. If you can't treat me with respect, I won't be in your wedding."

DEMAND respect. If she can't give it, let her embarrass herself with someone else.

What a baby.

 

[Ninama]

Date: 8/10/2008 11:59:06 AM
Author: RBlover
Thanks Ellen


I know that if i do go down the route of pulling out of her wedding then the fallout will be extreme. Having said that my father did say I have to stick up for myself and my BF who was not there to defend himself. My father was also warned me that if I do say something to her along the lines '' that behaviour was unacceptable, if it continues I will not be in the wedding'' then she may well say fine!

Oy... how awful. There must be something defective about these people - your sister, her F, their friends, "R"... It''s a little bizarro world-ish, actually. Sorta "through the looking glass" to have so many people behaving so obnoxiously toward you.

Based on what your dad said, I would pull out of the wedding. It sounds to me as if your dad is trying to tell you that he feels certain that she''s wil to drop you from the wedding and that you should pull out. Or at least have it out with her...

If I were in your position, I would feel that go through with it would be a complete sham. I would take your dad''s advice and take a stand.

 

[~*Alexis*~]

rb--

It seems to me that these are the types of people that get a rise out of making someone else feel inferioir to them or embarrass them so they can be the life of the party.

Unfortunately I have been in similar situations. First, the next time they say something that sets you off, insults you or puts you in an uncomfortable place, you just reply to them "....WOW!! That was such a rude comment, you must be soooo embarrassed that you said that and everyone heard you..." usually this puts you in a place where they can stand there dumbfounded that you replied to them other than walking out of a room without a word.

Next, set your limits. Send her an email, with everyone as a receiver that lets her know what her behavior is reprehensible and is not warranted. Esp you parents. They know her behavior yet they do nothing to control it?? Are they paying for part of this wedding?? They should try and control her outbursts.

You may not want to be in the wedding because of her abuse. Just think of what will happen when you have to throw her a bridal shower, bachelorette party and deal with her behavior then.

Good luck, she sounds like a peach.......

 

[cara]

Yeah, totally not acceptable behavior. Who cares if R still has feeling about you - does that mean he gets to pull your pigtails like everyone is in 2nd grade?

Please tell your sister that how you were treated was unacceptable. It does not matter if they were joking - clearly you were not being treated well. And ready yourself to leave quickly at future events or speak up for yourself firmly if FBIL pulls any more crap. You may have to deal with this guy a fair bit in the future, most unfortunately.

 

[movie zombie]

read the original post and only skimmed some of the replies. so my question to you is: why do you even want to participate in her wedding? life is too short for these games....especially since FBIL is open that he''s trying to wind you up. if you insist on being in the wedding and attending these functions, then you''ll be exposed to this behavior. your dad is right: but you need to do more than defend yourself as its gone too far for that already. you need to absent yourself from the game and that means just flat out not doing anything more than attending the wedding as a guest. so what if she spreads a story that you''re grumpy, or anything else for that matter. no matter what you do she''ll make you out as the bad sister. she isn''t going to change and neither is the FBIL. you''re stuck with them. but you can limit your exposure to them. and she can get herself another little girl to be in her wedding party. think about it........she''s treating you like a little girl and playing little girl games. be an adult and removed yourself from the wedding party.

movie zombie

 

[Elmorton]

Hmmm...to be honest, would not being in the wedding party change anything? I''d assume that it would even make things worse in regard to her and her friends'' behavior. As her sister, you''ll still have to be at the wedding and other wedding-related activities, and if she or anyone else wants to ridicule you, they will. I agree that you need to demand respect, but I don''t think that it makes you look any stronger to use your participation in the wedding as collateral, yanno?

 

[Linda W]

Date: 8/10/2008 1:13:45 PM
Author: movie zombie
read the original post and only skimmed some of the replies. so my question to you is: why do you even want to participate in her wedding? life is too short for these games....especially since FBIL is open that he''s trying to wind you up. if you insist on being in the wedding and attending these functions, then you''ll be exposed to this behavior. your dad is right: but you need to do more than defend yourself as its gone too far for that already. you need to absent yourself from the game and that means just flat out not doing anything more than attending the wedding as a guest. so what if she spreads a story that you''re grumpy, or anything else for that matter. no matter what you do she''ll make you out as the bad sister. she isn''t going to change and neither is the FBIL. you''re stuck with them. but you can limit your exposure to them. and she can get herself another little girl to be in her wedding party. think about it........she''s treating you like a little girl and playing little girl games. be an adult and removed yourself from the wedding party.


movie zombie

I was going to reply, but I just have to ditto everything MZ said.



Linda

 

[fieryred33143]

I was reading all of this and thinking TOXIC

Your sis is toxic. Her fiance is toxic. The friends all of you associate with are toxic. F-that. Life is way too short to be dealing with people like that. You mentioned going to therapy, I would talk it over with your therapist but my honest opinion is that you drop out of the wedding party and tell your sis to find someone else. She can use one of her a-hole friends like R''s girlfriend. Normally I would say to fulfill your wedding duties but not if it means being around people that disrespect you and for fun. Don''t even worry about how they are going to feel if you drop out. They weren''t worried about your feelings when everyone was being rude to you.

Their behavior was unacceptable. How old are these people?

 

[Ellen]

Date: 8/10/2008 1:30:39 PM
Author: fieryred33143

Their behavior was unacceptable. How old are these people?

She is 28, he is 30.

 

[risingsun]

If your sister and her F treated you this badly now, I hate to think how they will treat you at future events, including their wedding. Their behavior was inexcusable. I think it's time to speak with her and express your feelings. If she cannot treat you with respect, you will not participate in her wedding. You need to make healthy choices for yourself. Speak with your therapist and develop some strategies to deal with this situation. I don't think for a minute that anything that happened was by chance. You were set up for this unfortunate incident. Please do not allow them to prepare a repeat performance.

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 8/10/2008 1:36:43 PM
Author: Ellen

Date: 8/10/2008 1:30:39 PM
Author: fieryred33143

Their behavior was unacceptable. How old are these people?

She is 28, he is 30.

Thanks I just read that. I can''t imagine behaving that way at 30.

 

[Ellen]

Date: 8/10/2008 1:39:47 PM
Author: fieryred33143

Thanks I just read that. I can''t imagine behaving that way at 30.

My 17 year old doesn''t act like this.

 

[Independent Gal]

Yes exactly. I''m pretty sure my teenaged siblings would roll their eyes and say ''pathetic'' too.

But it just goes to show that, just as you wouldn''t get into a teasing game with a child or allow a child to bate you, you have to absent yourself from this ridiculous display too. Just refuse to play.

 

[Tuckins1]

28 and 30 years old? Pathetic. It sounds like they are all 17 years old... It''s the same old high school crap. You deserve better than that. Drop them and move on. I know she''s your sister, but she allows others to treat you like crap, so I would suggest just staying out of hers and her f''s way. I know it would be hard to back out of the wedding, but your sister can''t actually expect you to put up with that kind of treatment, can she? Tell them all that they need to GROW UP!!!

 

[movie zombie]

Date: 8/10/2008 3:01:46 PM
Author: Tuckins1
28 and 30 years old? Pathetic. It sounds like they are all 17 years old... It''s the same old high school crap. You deserve better than that. Drop them and move on. I know she''s your sister, but she allows others to treat you like crap, so I would suggest just staying out of hers and her f''s way. I know it would be hard to back out of the wedding, but your sister can''t actually expect you to put up with that kind of treatment, can she? Tell them all that they need to GROW UP!!!

as long as you allow it, it will continue....and escalate. i''d rather be the snobby, bitchy sister who won''t be in my sister''s wedding than to put up with such disrespectful treatment.

movie zombie

 

[VRBeauty]

Ask yourself whether you are excited about your sister's impending marriage to FBIL, about having FBIL as a member of your family, about the seeing their relationship grow and flourish as they build their own family. Ask your self whether you want to be an active participant, a designated witness (legal or otherwise) to this marriage and this transition in your sister's life.

It seems strange to me that your sister asked you to be in her wedding party, yet allows and colludes in her husband's malicious attempt to embarrass and bully you. Since you've already alluded to a poor relationship with your sister, I'm guessing she asked you to be a "maid" to her primarily because she's concerned about how it might look if you are not a member of the wedding party. Or maybe she's concerned about how it would look if she's not a part of your wedding party when your day comes. Whatever her motivation, I'd have no qualms about pulling out if I were in your shoes.

BTW, I wonder how long it will be before FBIL starts bullying your sister...

 

[hairgirl95]

your sis and FBIL really need to grow up. I think if I were in your shoes, I would remove myself from the wedding party as well. I read where your dad said she may well say "fine" if you give her a grow up or not be in the wedding ultimatum, but what else does the rest of your family think about their behavior? Has anyone else stood up in your defense when they try to "wind you up" like this? I am so sorry sweetie--its a rock and a hard place situation to be in. I agree with the above posters though and think you should stand tall and proud and tell her your feelings about it. If she doesn''t like it and wants to continue treating you like a 12 year old, then she can find someone else to be in her wedding party. Good luck!!

 

[RBlover]

Thank you all for your replies and kind words, I feel very alone currently and am sat at my computer crying. I know what you all said is spot on which is partly why posted, and that I would get good honest opinions and advice.

So I spoke with her: I explained how i felt and what had happened, she refused to apologise for him as she was not aware this had gone on but did say she would get him to speak with me. I explained about R and how upset I was - again i was told that he is just like that. I said that i was not willing to put myself into that position again and that if this behaviour continued I would not be able to be part of her wedding. She got very angry as expected and said that was the most hurtful thing I could have said to her and hung up on me.

FBIL rang a littel while later and aplogised for the "winding me up" - apparently that is just him and he does it to everybody, i asked why did he do it to me and he said it was to "get one back at me" for being "grumpy" on the phone with my sister. I said that was a very "mature" way to act for a 30 year old. I was then told to lighten up, stop being so sensitive and reading too much into things. He would not aplogise for what happened in the kitchen as apparently he was not aware he was laughing at me, infact he said there is nothing to laugh about with me. it ended up with me accepting his apology for deliberatley winding me up and i said the same thing to him regarding my position in the wedding if the behave continues and left it there.

Ok now I''m thinking what have i done - i fear i have caused irrepriable damage to both relationships but at the same time i knew something had to have been said, but who knows if I handled it correctly. I don''t know where i stand now.

Also I''m now so scared they will stumble across this website..........

 

[radiantquest]

i am so sorry that you were in that situation. it seems to me that everyone but you involved in this are very immature. i think that you should tell your sister how you feel and if she doesnt support you or take your feelings into consideration then i think you should not be in her wedding. you should not have to subject yourself to this behavior. it is unpleasant to say the least to be in an uncomfortable situation and i dont think you should be there if that is how the whole day is going to be. i hate to sound cold but if she doesnt care about how you feel then you shouldnt care if she doesnt like it that you dont attend.

i hope we could help. please feel free to stick around here, we are a nice group

 

[movie zombie]

Date: 8/10/2008 5:55:59 PM
Author: RBlover
Thank you all for your replies and kind words, I feel very alone currently and am sat at my computer crying. I know what you all said is spot on which is partly why posted, and that I would get good honest opinions and advice.

So I spoke with her: I explained how i felt and what had happened, she refused to apologise for him as she was not aware this had gone on but did say she would get him to speak with me. I explained about R and how upset I was - again i was told that he is just like that. I said that i was not willing to put myself into that position again and that if this behaviour continued I would not be able to be part of her wedding. She got very angry as expected and said that was the most hurtful thing I could have said to her and hung up on me.

FBIL rang a littel while later and aplogised for the ''winding me up'' - apparently that is just him and he does it to everybody, i asked why did he do it to me and he said it was to ''get one back at me'' for being ''grumpy'' on the phone with my sister. I said that was a very ''mature'' way to act for a 30 year old. I was then told to lighten up, stop being so sensitive and reading too much into things. He would not aplogise for what happened in the kitchen as apparently he was not aware he was laughing at me, infact he said there is nothing to laugh about with me. it ended up with me accepting his apology for deliberatley winding me up and i said the same thing to him regarding my position in the wedding if the behave continues and left it there.

Ok now I''m thinking what have i done - i fear i have caused irrepriable damage to both relationships but at the same time i knew something had to have been said, but who knows if I handled it correctly. I don''t know where i stand now.

Also I''m now so scared they will stumble across this website..........

you seem to be more concerned about harming the relationship than either of them are. i dated a guy once who had some very wise words: don''t invest more in a relationship than the other person. in other words, don''t care more than the other person does. you were right to stand up for yourself and should be proud for doing so. however, you now need to make sure that you don''t accept any further disrespect and be clear with yourself that that is ok.....and drop out of that wedding if they persist in not respecting your feelings.

movie zombie

ps btw, i think he''s a prize....a booby prize, that is.

 

[RBlover]

I''m sorry I havn''t replied personally to everyone, its getting really late here and I''m fading rapidly, but many thanks to you all for your advice and support.
Movie Zombie - you are right I am more concerned with the way they are feeling than my own, and you are also right when I shouldn''t be. They have shown myeslf and my BF no respect and quite frankly having read through the replies I am ashamed at that I put myself in that position in the first place. Rising Sun was spot on when she said I was set up. I knew I would be so but yet I still allowed myself to be in that position.

Ok I''ve gone from being upset to be being plain MAD

Somebody mentioned how the rest of family are reacting to this - I have my parents support in my desicion. They feel I was treated very badly and are going to discuss it with her. however they have said that she is their daughter and they love her and are going to continue to offer their support to her wedding.

So, what do I do next? Shall I contact her showing that I have said my piece and drawn a line under it? I''m next due to see her in a few weeks time for a family event.

Ok I''m gonna have to turn in as I''m so drained right now but many thanks again for all your support - that is one of the reasons I love this site
I''ll pop back for an update in the morning

 

[blondebunny]

if ur scared that they will find this post.. u can msg admin and they will delete it.. I hope things get better...