Difficult situtation - advice needed

[[email protected]]

Ok let me say WOW, mean girls/and their fiance''s. Wow. I just wanted to relay a little story to you. Im currently getting married but I have been in many weddings and the last one I was one of two girls in weddings and it sucked, was constantly not doing enough, buying enough, paying enough attention, and also let me preface this with the fact that I would call every day the bride and email maid of honor (MOH), but they would have already made decisions and done wedding stuff and just told me what to buy. I tried to be involved but it was MOH''s first wedding and she sucked, basically thought it was her wedding. WOuldnt let me pay for shower b/c she wanted to show how much SHE cared by spending 4 grand on a trendy city restaurant and SHE cared by importing fresh flowers etc etc. I tried to do other things when I could, but it was clear I was not to be involved except to bitch and yell at. (in law school finals and told im not trying hard enough, and mad when said i couldnt afford 500 manola blahnik black slingbacks, when the same ones are 50 bucks online and the dresses were to the floor) and thats not even the whole of it.

It got really bad so I emailed the bride (and I recommend calling b/c too much gets lost in translation), and fully explained my position, my feelings, what I was trying to do to help out, what she would like me to take care of, etc. and there was a lot of stuff i realized we would never see eye to eye on. I thought about dropping out of wedding but was really close with fiance too. SO I put my head up participated and took the initiative where possible, bit my tongue super hard (which is so not like me, very opinionated but try to make the best out of everything).

SO my advice is talk to your sister one on one, FBI''s behavior was unacceptable but thats almost a losing battle, so say your piece and your feelings about it and how you didnt appreciate that even if it was joking, most likely it will continue but word will be out to those involved that you have a backbone, find a "halfway in the know" friend who can help you plan anything you need to plan, and deal with the hostility when it is met, bring bf when at all possible, and let parents know so that is evident, and just do your best to put up with it and still be happy (which may mean removing yourself early from weddingesque events. If not immediately or even at the wedding, you and sister and mean FBI will all know who was the better person in the end, and you might even establish a different sort of relationship with sister. I am the eternal optimist but I know it can suck in your situation, just find a few friendly''s and grit your teetch

 

[princesss]

I''m sorry, if they find this site they''ll see a bunch of people who aren''t firmly planted with their lips up your sister''s behind who recognize they''re treating you horribly.

Good for you for standing up for yourself. Keep it up. (Where''s the pat on the back icon?)

 

[Blair138]

Date: 8/10/2008 5:55:59 PM
Author: RBlover


FBIL rang a littel while later and aplogised for the ''winding me up'' - apparently that is just him and he does it to everybody, i asked why did he do it to me and he said it was to ''get one back at me'' for being ''grumpy'' on the phone with my sister. I said that was a very ''mature'' way to act for a 30 year old. I was then told to lighten up, stop being so sensitive and reading too much into things. He would not aplogise for what happened in the kitchen as apparently he was not aware he was laughing at me, infact he said there is nothing to laugh about with me. it ended up with me accepting his apology for deliberatley winding me up and i said the same thing to him regarding my position in the wedding if the behave continues and left it there.

RB-sorry you are going through this-like everyone else has said-your sister,FI and their friends sound worse than a group of high school students. What your sister''s FI told you is ridiculous and I LOATHE hearing that from people-"oh lighten up". Those type of people never want to change their behavior because they think it is ''funny'' when in reality it is usually very hurtful. I would distance yourself as much as possible and only go to wedding related things that you MUST attend, bring your BF and stay by your parents. To me it sounds like they will never change, so I would do the wedding thing and then say goodbye after that.

 

[phoenixgirl]

As for your next step, I think you should do whatever feels natural for you and whatever solidifies your stance. If that is to contact her in a nonchalant manner as if to say, see, I still mean it, I am still resolved, then do that. But if it's to do nothing and let her contact you if there is a wedding need, but otherwise give yourself a breather and prove that you don't need to worry about her, then do that.

You've done the right thing. Your parents are supporting your perspective in the midst of this being your sister's wedding . . . obviously you are right to object to what she and her immature friends are putting you through.

But that's just it. What can you expect . . . that she'll get new friends? No. That they'll grow up overnight? No. That she'll say, "Please stop being a jerk to my sister. I'm suddenly a mature, rational person myself, and I must insist on proper manners"? No. She is who she is; her friends are who they are (she and her friends/fiance have attracted each other for a reason, right?). Just remember to expect the worst when you see them, and perhaps you'll be pleasantly surprised when things are only moderately terrible. But lowered expectations aside, you can accept a little banal conversation or juvenile humor, but don't accept disrespect of yourself or lower your principles.

You've done the right thing; hang in there!

 

[risingsun]

Where do you go from here? You could drop out of the wedding. Your sister will be angry, but you will have your self respect and your parents'' support. You could limit your participation in the wedding. Show up and walk down the aisle. If you do stay in the wedding, I wouldn''t feel any responsibility to have a bridal shower or any other celebration. Let your parents know how you feel. If they want to step in, fine. You owe your sister and F nothing. They couldn''t find it in their tiny little hearts to apologize for their inappropriate behavior. They are truly not worthy of your concern.

 

[Ellen]

Date: 8/10/2008 10:34:29 PM
Author: phoenixgirl
As for your next step, I think you should do whatever feels natural for you and whatever solidifies your stance. If that is to contact her in a nonchalant manner as if to say, see, I still mean it, I am still resolved, then do that. But if it''s to do nothing and let her contact you if there is a wedding need, but otherwise give yourself a breather and prove that you don''t need to worry about her, then do that.

You''ve done the right thing. Your parents are supporting your perspective in the midst of this being your sister''s wedding . . . obviously you are right to object to what she and her immature friends are putting you through.

But that''s just it. What can you expect . . . that she''ll get new friends? No. That they''ll grow up overnight? No. That she''ll say, ''Please stop being a jerk to my sister. I''m suddenly a mature, rational person myself, and I must insist on proper manners''? No. She is who she is; her friends are who they are (she and her friends/fiance have attracted each other for a reason, right?). Just remember to expect the worst when you see them, and perhaps you''ll be pleasantly surprised when things are only moderately terrible. But lowered expectations aside, you can accept a little banal conversation or juvenile humor, but don''t accept disrespect of yourself or lower your principles.

You''ve done the right thing; hang in there!

Ditto this whole post. And I''m so glad you stood up for yourself!

 

[RBlover]

Thankyou all for your advice - your posts makes so much sense.

I spoke with my Mom who has spoken to sis - they let her know that they do not condone his behaviour and that I have every right to be upset and to have done what i did. Sis''s response was she did not want to be in the middle and that she did say to mom that she has spoken to them before about not deliberatley making me feel uncomfortable and winding me up but they have not listend to her - although she did say that that is just the way they are! In my eyes that is condoning their behaviour towards me

. I explained that our relationship has never been that good and I was surprised I was asked to be BM, i also said I currently did not want to participate because she has shown me no support with regards to their actions and I do not want to have anything to do with her Fi and friends. Also I said that she has likes to "shout me down" when ever she wants to get her own way and that she has aslo been rude about my BF to my face. I explained to Mom I am no longer willing to accept this kind of treatment towards me or my BF - my mom agreed that I should not have to and i should continue to stand up for myself.

 

[jas]

I have little to add other than "hang in there" -- it''s hard to take the high road in situations like this!

 

[Steel]

RBlover,

I think you must be a lovely woman if these idiots are falling over each other for your attention, making time to talk about you and trying to include you. There methods are clumsy but you must have something each of them like/want/admire. Good for you.

You have had wonderful advice. I thritto Movie Zombie and would remove yourself from this. You march to your own drum and should not allow yourself to be in situations where these idiots draw you.

I agree with Indy and ditto Alexis wording of "....WOW!! That was such a rude comment, you must be soooo embarrassed that you said that and everyone heard you..."

ETA - Do you feel your sister has been jealous of you? I have found that people inadvertantly draw attention to their fears. By highlighting your relationships with other men is she buffering an insecurity that her FI might like you? or you him? - Just a thought.

 

[risingsun]

Date: 8/11/2008 1:05:24 PM
Author: RBlover
Thankyou all for your advice - your posts makes so much sense.

I spoke with my Mom who has spoken to sis - they let her know that they do not condone his behaviour and that I have every right to be upset and to have done what i did. Sis''s response was she did not want to be in the middle and that she did say to mom that she has spoken to them before about not deliberatley making me feel uncomfortable and winding me up but they have not listend to her - although she did say that that is just the way they are! In my eyes that is condoning their behaviour towards me

. I explained that our relationship has never been that good and I was surprised I was asked to be BM, i also said I currently did not want to participate because she has shown me no support with regards to their actions and I do not want to have anything to do with her Fi and friends. Also I said that she has likes to ''shout me down'' when ever she wants to get her own way and that she has aslo been rude about my BF to my face. I explained to Mom I am no longer willing to accept this kind of treatment towards me or my BF - my mom agreed that I should not have to and i should continue to stand up for myself.

Well done!!

 

[RBlover]

Steel - you raise an interesting point about jealousy. I do not think FI likes me, but i do feel she does go out of her way to bring up my past "laspes in judgment" to embarress me, make me feel inferior.

I have put up with that type of behaviour for so long ( since I can remember) - its not always about men, its about me, my personality, my apperance, my weight etc and I am working on stretegies with my therapist to help deal with this. One thing I can take away from this whole debacle is that I have never felt so empowered to take control and stand up for myself

 

[Ellen]

Date: 8/11/2008 3:13:48 PM
Author: RBlover
Steel - you raise an interesting point about jealousy. I do not think FI likes me, but i do feel she does go out of her way to bring up my past 'laspes in judgment' to embarress me, make me feel inferior.

I have put up with that type of behaviour for so long ( since I can remember) - its not always about men, its about me, my personality, my apperance, my weight etc and I am working on stretegies with my therapist to help deal with this. One thing I can take away from this whole debacle is that I have never felt so empowered to take control and stand up for myself

How sad is that? I have to agree that she may very well be jealous, we all know that people only belittle others to make themseves feel/appear bigger/better. If they only knew what fools they really make themselves look like...

I'm glad you're feeling better, I hope things start going better.

 

[meresal]

Date: 8/11/2008 3:13:48 PM
Author: RBlover
Steel - you raise an interesting point about jealousy. I do not think FI likes me, but i do feel she does go out of her way to bring up my past 'laspes in judgment' to embarress me, make me feel inferior.

I have put up with that type of behaviour for so long ( since I can remember) - its not always about men, its about me, my personality, my apperance, my weight etc and I am working on stretegies with my therapist to help deal with this. One thing I can take away from this whole debacle is that I have never felt so empowered to take control and stand up for myself

Congratulations for standing tall!! Your post from this morning is very inspiring!!!

When I think of playground banter, it is exactly that, at the playground. It isn't ususally brought into the home. This is exactly what you Sister and FBIL are doing. They are bringing it up right in front of your parents.
**My .02, is that it's not her FI that she thinks likes you (the jealousy issue), I think that she may be jealous of your relationship with your parents. They obviously care very much for you, and it sounds like they consider your feelings alot. Do they do the same with your sister, or is she very independant and acts like she doesn't care? It baffles me that she would do these things right in front of your parents. I only ask, becasue I have this problem with one of my older sisters. She used to say rude things to me, and sometimes still makes really assanine comments right in front of my parents. I know now that is is because she feels like they have let go of her, and since I'm still around (ie, not married and the baby of the family) she attacks me for it. It took a couple years and medication, but I finally came to the realization that I didn't care. It has gotten much better, and we actually have somewhat of a friendship now. (I moved away and she moved back to our hometown, so she gets to see my mom almost every week. Real mature, right?? I just laugh because I find it extremely amusing. I may sound petty but she used to say very rude things to me and I pride myself on the fact that I would never hold that kind of animosity over anyone's head, especially a sister)

I wish you the best of luck with this and the only advice I can give is to be strong, and be confident in yourself. Don't get really upset when they try to "wind you up", or at least don't let them see you upset. If they say something, laugh it off and be on your way. They'll stop once they realize their insults are falling on deaf ears.

 

[RBlover]

Thank you Ellen, and thank you to everyone who listened and gave me support and advice, i''m sorry i did not reply to every post but your advice and kind words are very much appreciated

 

[RBlover]

Meresal - -I''m sorry that you have gone through that with your sister but I am glad that you have come out the other side a stronger person

. Thank you for your words of support

 

[movie zombie]

Date: 8/11/2008 3:13:48 PM
Author: RBlover
Steel - you raise an interesting point about jealousy. I do not think FI likes me, but i do feel she does go out of her way to bring up my past ''laspes in judgment'' to embarress me, make me feel inferior.

I have put up with that type of behaviour for so long ( since I can remember) - its not always about men, its about me, my personality, my apperance, my weight etc and I am working on stretegies with my therapist to help deal with this. One thing I can take away from this whole debacle is that I have never felt so empowered to take control and stand up for myself

bravo Bravo BRAVO!

movie zombie

 

[cara]

Good job. One thing to remember is that your sister has chosen these people. "Not wanting to be in the middle" is a very diplomatic way of tolerating rudeness and immature behavior in one''s friends at your expense.

Backing out as a bridesmaid was a good move. You woln''t have to tolerate them, you can attend the wedding as a normal guest without all the hoopla stuff that would expose you to more abuse, and you stood up for yourself! Excellent...

 

[katamari]

Hi RB: I think it is great that you are getting some helpful advice. I agree with other posters that you are not deserving of this situation and that you have every right to work to resolve it.

That said, I am not so sure you should remove yourself from the wedding party. Jerk or not, she is your sister and it will create a very awkward situation for your entire family because it will certainly be a topic of conversation if you are not a bridesmaid. Would you rather have to relive the situation by explaining it to everyone at events (like rehearsals, showers, etc.)? Or even worse, have it be speculated about by people who don''t know? (At least this is what would happen in my family).

I think it is equally childish to just pull yourself out. Instead, keep talking about it with your family. Address your sister like an adult and do what you can to get through the obligation. Then, you are free to sever your relationship with her thereafter.

Of course, if you just can''t handle it, I think you should feel no shame at all if you do pull out. Her behavior is unacceptable. However, I feel like most posters are telling you to just pull out and problems are solved, but I don''t think this is true. Just my thoughts.

 

[katamari]

Okay. I took some time to reply and missed that you did withdraw yourself. Although I do think whatever you feel empowered by is what you should do, I would also like you to keep in mind that this is a passive aggressive way to deal with how she treats you. Now, you just need to use this empowerment to continue the discussion with her and get her to treat you with the respect you deserve as her sister. I know you''ll be able to do it!

 

[risingsun]

Date: 8/11/2008 9:49:34 PM
Author: katamari
Okay. I took some time to reply and missed that you did withdraw yourself. Although I do think whatever you feel empowered by is what you should do, I would also like you to keep in mind that this is a passive aggressive way to deal with how she treats you. Now, you just need to use this empowerment to continue the discussion with her and get her to treat you with the respect you deserve as her sister. I know you''ll be able to do it!

As a therapist, I disagree that RB is being passive aggressive. Her sister and FBIL have demonstrated that behavior themselves. I believe that RB is acting assertively and expressing her own limits and boundaries to avoid being taken advantage of again. Standing up on her own behalf is an important step and I fully support RB''s decision. There is no evidence that the sister has grown or changed as a result of these recent---and not so recent--events. There does come a time when we need to protect our individual integrity from those who would disrespect us.

 

[RBlover]

Thank you Rising Sun

I do feel that I''m setting boudaries and not being passive aggressive. I have made my position know and have made sure those invovled know what will happen if their behaviour continues.
On a slightly more positive note sis contacted me today saying she told "r" what she thought of him. Whilst I do view this as a step in the right direction I feel it took my parents intervening and literally spelling out his actions for her to act. All i can wonder is where is the loyalty? Anyway he contacted me via e-mail saying he heard i was upset, but he was drunk and really this type of behaviour is not unusal for him, but that i shouldn''t worry becasue he still really really likes me!!!

Words failed me, but really I''m not surprised!

 

[meresal]

Date: 8/12/2008 1:37:59 PM
Author: RBlover
Thank you Rising Sun

I do feel that I'm setting boudaries and not being passive aggressive. I have made my position know and have made sure those invovled know what will happen if their behaviour continues.
On a slightly more positive note sis contacted me today saying she told 'r' what she thought of him. Whilst I do view this as a step in the right direction I feel it took my parents intervening and literally spelling out his actions for her to act. All i can wonder is where is the loyalty? Anyway he contacted me via e-mail saying he heard i was upset, but he was drunk and really this type of behaviour is not unusal for him, but that i shouldn't worry becasue he still really really likes me!!!

Words failed me, but really I'm not surprised!

Are you sure these people are in the mid to upper 20's?!?!?!?!? He still really, really likes you. Please... Is this all a big joke, which would be horrible, or is he being serious?!?

I still can't get over the fact that almost every person, except your parents, have said... "You shouldn't be so upset. It's just the way I am or He/She/is."

 

[movie zombie]

Date: 8/12/2008 1:44:56 PM
Author: meresal

Date: 8/12/2008 1:37:59 PM
Author: RBlover
Thank you Rising Sun

I do feel that I''m setting boudaries and not being passive aggressive. I have made my position know and have made sure those invovled know what will happen if their behaviour continues.
On a slightly more positive note sis contacted me today saying she told ''r'' what she thought of him. Whilst I do view this as a step in the right direction I feel it took my parents intervening and literally spelling out his actions for her to act. All i can wonder is where is the loyalty? Anyway he contacted me via e-mail saying he heard i was upset, but he was drunk and really this type of behaviour is not unusal for him, but that i shouldn''t worry becasue he still really really likes me!!!

Words failed me, but really I''m not surprised!

Are you sure these people are in the mid to upper 20''s?!?!?!?!? He still really, really likes you. Please... Is this all a big joke, which would be horrible, or is he being serious?!?

I still can''t get over the fact that almost every person, except your parents, have said... ''You shouldn''t be so upset. It''s just the way I am or He/She/is.''

geez, think how they''d act if they didn''t like you, especially him! i shudder to think!

i think you''re going to continually have to be enforcing that boundary with them.........why should they change their behavior if you don''t?

and i agree that you''re not being passive-aggressive......actually, i think their behavior is just that.

and congratulations for being in a strong place! i can tell a difference in your last post and the very first one! again, bravo Bravo BRAVO!

movie zombie

 

[cara]

Date: 8/12/2008 1:37:59 PM
Author: RBlover
Thank you Rising Sun

I do feel that I''m setting boudaries and not being passive aggressive. I have made my position know and have made sure those invovled know what will happen if their behaviour continues.

On a slightly more positive note sis contacted me today saying she told ''r'' what she thought of him. Whilst I do view this as a step in the right direction I feel it took my parents intervening and literally spelling out his actions for her to act. All i can wonder is where is the loyalty? Anyway he contacted me via e-mail saying he heard i was upset, but he was drunk and really this type of behaviour is not unusal for him, but that i shouldn''t worry becasue he still really really likes me!!!

I do not think pulling out is passive-aggressive. RBlover stated what her standards were for how she should be treated, it was clear that staying in the wedding party was going to open her up to more potential abuse that the sister was NOT prepared to stop, so she stepped down. An active response, undertaken with appropriate notice to the sister. Also highly appropriate - as a family member, she will still attend the wedding and support her sister, but will not stand up by her in the wedding or have to attend lots of parties where her sister may allow her friends to just "be themselves" and say mean things about her.

I do think this step from your sister calling R is a positive one. She is very passive - that is her defense to these attacks you receive - and even though it required huge efforts on your part and your parent''s part, she did take an action on your behalf afterwards. Combined with you setting your own limits as to what you would tolerate, this was big. Not saying you should don your bridesmaids gown, but it is a small step in the right direction.

As for R, please write this loser off. And if you need to apologize for stuff you did while drunk, well, drink less.

 

[LaraOnline]

Ugggh. This sounds awful. It is a disgraceful way of treating anybody, let alone a sister, and a sister-in-law. Why on earth would your FBIL behave that way? It sounds like your sister and FBIL are made for each other, mutually awful.

Hmm, it is great that you have the warmth and support of your parents, and of course also your boyfriend. Very important.

Of course, your parents are stuck in the middle, but it is interesting that they are supportive of you withdrawing your activity in the wedding, by being bridesmaid.

With their support, you could either decide to go through with the whole thing, focusing on the 'sisterly duty' aspect, or, you could call her and kindly withdraw from the official bridesmaid role, but emphasise that you will be assisting your mother in all manner of other duties at the wedding and before hand.

I would not go to her level, by discussing specific incidents at all. I would simply say that you've realised that you are 'unable' to be bridesmaid, you 'don't feel comfortable', feel you 'are not best in the role', these kinds of stock standard comments, and have agreed with your parents that they need more help on the day and before hand, and you'll be working closely with them to make your sister's day a really happy one.

Hmmm, no doubt that will also cause a ruckus, but really, she needs to grow some respect! As does that boyfriend!