Colored Diamond E-ring has me down

[Christina...]

So georgestevens, did you get her a fancy color diamond or did she fall in love with them after you were married?

We started going to the annual noble and important jewels auctions at Sotheby's and Christies, where they have stuff from $5K to $86 million. Much of it is old junk, but they often have some great pieces from Graff, Bulgari, VCA, etc. It ranges from unmounted diamonds to full parures. What I particularly like about auctions is that you're observing actual market-clearing prices between arms-length buyers and sellers. Prices on a website are just asking prices - who knows what the actual sale price is?

As for OP, I think she's succeeded in taking all the fun out of the process for the husband-to-be by specifying pretty much everything - even a length-to-width ratio - seriously? Personally I'd run from her. This is a gift from the man and it's entirely his prerogative what he's to buy. The woman can drop hints like, "ooh, isn't Stacy's ring nice?", but specifying it all the way down to the appropriate length-width ratio is beyond the pale. Sit back and let him be a man. You'll be happier in the long-run.

I'm not sure whether to laugh or throw up.

 

[canuk-gal]

Being a first time poster I'm really overwhelmed by the supportive comments...and have read and taken all points/advice into consideration. It was nice to have this board to vent my frustrations out, and though I'd be lying if I said I was 100% at peace with the situation...I will say that I'm in a much better place than when I first posted. Thank you all for that!

And a special shout-out to GeorgeStevens...I did ask for some male perspective...and he took the time to write one. Can't fault him for that. My 'thank you' goes out to him as well.

PS. Don't worry about running away from me...I'm not running toward your direction either ~ I'm already spoken for.

Oh, well done: you made my day!

Funny thing about rings; you can have one, or none, or many.

cheers--Sharon

 

[CharmyPoo]

My husband does think I took the fun out of e-ring shopping but he will be the first to admit that it wasn't that fun to begin with and he was very glad to hand it over to me.

So back to ideas that might work for both you and future hubby ... I saw a ring in LA that I loved and keep thinking about. It is a very low color (S-T or U-W) Crisscut Emerald set in a simple / elegant 3 stone setting. The metal in the middle was yellow gold that made the center stone look more yellow and the sides were set with a white metal. This ring was STUNNING beyond words. I LOVED the crosscut emerald which was so unique and beautiful to me. Take a look and see if it can be a balance between what you like and what he likes.

 

[thadanim]

I am one who believed the ring should be a total surprise and SO should not pick the ring, saying that I know the color and clarity that would matter to her. We even went ring shopping to gt an idea of what she likes (many different settings) and the rest was left to me to finalize which stone and setting I get.

Must say initially thought would not be happy but the entire process and the people here have made life easy and fun.

Hope you end up with something you love.

 

[GeorgeStevens]

I wish OP the best and appreciate your kind words, even though I kinda read the riot act. Despite getting flak here, I believe what I wrote and was serious. I read all the articles in the Atlantic about evolving male/female roles and debate them with female friends; I read Sheryl Sandberg and Christina Hoff Sommers and Camille Paglia and all the others. It runs counter to standard PC ideology, but I encourage women to step back, at least on this issue, and trust the guy do his thing with a minimum of hints, expectations, or demands. It's the man's prerogative to decide whether to give an engagement gift, to decide how much of money *he* earned that will be spent (until you're eligible to file joint tax returns, your finances are separate), and the woman's decision to accept the proposal or not. Back in the day, the woman simply turned down an insufficient marriage proposal. Still, today, if you love him and he loves you, whatever he gets will be perfect.

One more thought. I encounter a lot of rich East Coast types, and 3 ct for an e-ring is pretty large even by their lofty standards. At some point it becomes tacky/gaudy and a target for criminals. A lot of people who go that big have some sort of insecurity that they're covering for, perhaps because they're living off credit cards and in debt to their eyeballs. A 3-carat rock looks great at the Met Gala, but it's a bit much for a trip to Starbucks. IMHO.

 

[canuk-gal]

I wish OP the best and appreciate your kind words, even though I kinda read the riot act. Despite getting flak here, I believe what I wrote and was serious. I read all the articles in the Atlantic about evolving male/female roles and debate them with female friends; I read Sheryl Sandberg and Christina Hoff Sommers and Camille Paglia and all the others. It runs counter to standard PC ideology, but I encourage women to step back, at least on this issue, and trust the guy do his thing with a minimum of hints, expectations, or demands. It's the man's prerogative to decide whether to give an engagement gift, to decide how much of money *he* earned that will be spent (until you're eligible to file joint tax returns, your finances are separate), and the woman's decision to accept the proposal or not. Back in the day, the woman simply turned down an insufficient marriage proposal. Still, today, if you love him and he loves you, whatever he gets will be perfect.

One more thought. I encounter a lot of rich East Coast types, and 3 ct for an e-ring is pretty large even by their lofty standards. At some point it becomes tacky/gaudy and a target for criminals. A lot of people who go that big have some sort of insecurity that they're covering for, perhaps because they're living off credit cards and in debt to their eyeballs. A 3-carat rock looks great at the Met Gala, but it's a bit much for a trip to Starbucks. IMHO.

Another "thought"? Yours, of course. Holy. Judgement. Moly. !

This forum just gets better and better.

 

[LaraOnline]

So georgestevens, did you get her a fancy color diamond or did she fall in love with them after you were married?

We started going to the annual noble and important jewels auctions at Sotheby's and Christies, where they have stuff from $5K to $86 million. Much of it is old junk, but they often have some great pieces from Graff, Bulgari, VCA, etc. It ranges from unmounted diamonds to full parures. What I particularly like about auctions is that you're observing actual market-clearing prices between arms-length buyers and sellers. Prices on a website are just asking prices - who knows what the actual sale price is?

As for OP, I think she's succeeded in taking all the fun out of the process for the husband-to-be by specifying pretty much everything - even a length-to-width ratio - seriously? Personally I'd run from her. This is a gift from the man and it's entirely his prerogative what he's to buy. The woman can drop hints like, "ooh, isn't Stacy's ring nice?", but specifying it all the way down to the appropriate length-width ratio is beyond the pale. Sit back and let him be a man. You'll be happier in the long-run.

seriously??

My sister had a man exactly like this. He got exactly what HE wanted, and designed it exactly as HE envisioned.
For a few months after, she was kind of in shock that she had to do an aesthetic 180 and wear something she had never dreamed she'd be stuck with. For a while, she insisted on wearing it on her right hand.

She likes it now.*sigh*

 

[nottospec]

One more thought. I encounter a lot of rich East Coast types, and 3 ct for an e-ring is pretty large even by their lofty standards. At some point it becomes tacky/gaudy and a target for criminals. A lot of people who go that big have some sort of insecurity that they're covering for, perhaps because they're living off credit cards and in debt to their eyeballs. A 3-carat rock looks great at the Met Gala, but it's a bit much for a trip to Starbucks. IMHO. [/quote]

Oh my, I have a 5ct fancy yellow E ring with side pears ( 6.4ish cttw), I must be gaudy, tacky and insecure and I even wear it in my trakkys, walking the dog. LOVE IT!

 

[nottospec]

One more thought. I encounter a lot of rich East Coast types, and 3 ct for an e-ring is pretty large even by their lofty standards. At some point it becomes tacky/gaudy and a target for criminals. A lot of people who go that big have some sort of insecurity that they're covering for, perhaps because they're living off credit cards and in debt to their eyeballs. A 3-carat rock looks great at the Met Gala, but it's a bit much for a trip to Starbucks. IMHO. [/quote]

Oh my, I have a 5ct fancy yellow E ring with side pears ( 6.4ish cttw), I must be gaudy, tacky and insecure and I even wear it in my trakkys, walking the dog. LOVE IT!

 

[Natylad]

I wish OP the best and appreciate your kind words, even though I kinda read the riot act. Despite getting flak here, I believe what I wrote and was serious. I read all the articles in the Atlantic about evolving male/female roles and debate them with female friends; I read Sheryl Sandberg and Christina Hoff Sommers and Camille Paglia and all the others. It runs counter to standard PC ideology, but I encourage women to step back, at least on this issue, and trust the guy do his thing with a minimum of hints, expectations, or demands. It's the man's prerogative to decide whether to give an engagement gift, to decide how much of money *he* earned that will be spent (until you're eligible to file joint tax returns, your finances are separate), and the woman's decision to accept the proposal or not. Back in the day, the woman simply turned down an insufficient marriage proposal. Still, today, if you love him and he loves you, whatever he gets will be perfect.

One more thought. I encounter a lot of rich East Coast types, and 3 ct for an e-ring is pretty large even by their lofty standards. At some point it becomes tacky/gaudy and a target for criminals. A lot of people who go that big have some sort of insecurity that they're covering for, perhaps because they're living off credit cards and in debt to their eyeballs. A 3-carat rock looks great at the Met Gala, but it's a bit much for a trip to Starbucks. IMHO.

So, in fact you are accusing a big percentage of PS members of being...tacky, gaudy, insecure and living off credit cards? Because we have so many people in this community, who are rocking huge diamonds, because they LIKE them and they can afford them... I wonder what you're doing around here, hanging out with tacky and insecure people like us...

 

[missy]

Haha, some of this is too funny.

I feel sorry for his poor fiancée and unless she likes to be dominated and bossed around and told what she should wear and do this marriage doesn't look like it is off to a good start. I hope it works out for you GeorgeStevens and that you are one who can learn as the marriage grows. Remember the old adage "Happy wife, happy life"...may seem cliche but some cliches have a resounding truth to them and IMO this one certainly does.

The happiest marriages are when the two people in it really listen and hear (can communicate well) what the other has to say and does their best to make them happy. It's a two way street ofc but if one half of the couple has their mind made up from the start without being open to what the other has to say well trouble will ensue. I wish you good luck and hope you can see the way to making your partner happy and enjoying a good marriage.

Michelle, As for another male perspective (my dh's that is) get the ring you want from the first go if you can and save yourself a lot of money and stress over the long run. My dh proposed as a total surprise (truly the only way it could have gone down at the time) and we never discussed ER's because it wasn't feasible. The ring he proposed with was beautiful but not what I saw myself wearing for eternity and after a few resets I finally got the ring that made my heart sing. Ofc the main thing is you have the man that makes your heart sing but it's always nice when you have the ring that matches! I hope it all works out for you and that you can get the ring of your dreams.

 

[michelle0918]

update: I ventured to have a final talk on the situation with BF and really tried to get down to the main issues. I wanted him to explain to me his personal process : what it meant for him to surprise me, what delights him or makes him nervous about it..his whole perspective about it all. And then I let him know that in truth I would love to be surprised (isn't that part of the excitement?) but that I would feel more at ease if he would be open to me showing him the 3-4 different settings I liked. This way, he can really understand my choices, rather than just seeing a list of what to buy ~ and then he could ask me questions during the 'show and tell'. I also let him know that one of my deeper concerns was that I felt like it was his 'ego' taking over if he was so concerned with his vision and artistic control. And that it was important to me to feel like he 'listened' to my quirks.

This talk was well received: I showed him my top choices, things I wouldn't mind, and things that just were a NOGO. He asked me questions..(so I got more hints..YES!)..and now we're both happy. Total "consultation time" : about 20 minutes. Am I still concerned about how the E-Ring will look like..hell yes..the 2 lil angels on my shoulder are bickering about it as we speak..BUT am I stressed, or upset about it anymore? A happy NO...I'm so very excited now and cannot wait for the road ahead.

PS. For those interested in the hints I deduced:
-maybe pave around the band instead of a plain band.
-definitely emerald cut, but it could be emerald step or radiant cut
-could be a white stone...or possibly a stone with just a splash of color or warmth?

 

[AprilBaby]

That's wonderful! I can't wait to see what you get!

 

[msop04]

I wish OP the best and appreciate your kind words, even though I kinda read the riot act. Despite getting flak here, I believe what I wrote and was serious. I read all the articles in the Atlantic about evolving male/female roles and debate them with female friends...

I'm sure you're very popular with your female friends, GS.

...I encourage women to step back, at least on this issue, and trust the guy do his thing with a minimum of hints, expectations, or demands. It's the man's prerogative to decide whether to give an engagement gift, to decide how much of money *he* earned that will be spent (until you're eligible to file joint tax returns, your finances are separate), and the woman's decision to accept the proposal or not.

I encourage you to understand and accept that although you seem to think so, we're not living the 1950's anymore.

One more thought. I encounter a lot of rich East Coast types, and 3 ct for an e-ring is pretty large even by their lofty standards. At some point it becomes tacky/gaudy and a target for criminals. A lot of people who go that big have some sort of insecurity that they're covering for, perhaps because they're living off credit cards and in debt to their eyeballs. A 3-carat rock looks great at the Met Gala, but it's a bit much for a trip to Starbucks, IMHO.

One more thought... You are coming across like a judgemental, chauvinist, D-bag who has basically insulted an entire forum, IMHO.

 

[msop04]

That's wonderful! I can't wait to see what you get!

That's exactly what ran across my mind, AprilBaby! LOL

Hmmmm.... think "GeorgeStevens" engraved on the inside would be too much??



***********************************************************************************************************************************************************
EDIT:
It just came to me that you may be referring to the OP!! In that case, I know she will get an AMAZING ring!! Can't wait to see it!!

 

[acebruin]

i might be late to the party but i wanted to put in my 2 cents from a male perspective...

this is the process that i went though with my wife... back then when i was looking for an ER, i did the usual question-the-wife-to-be thing... asked what shape she liked, and it turns out we're both step cut nuts! so i was really thrilled about it... and then asked what kind of settings she prefers, and what she didn't like... and the rest was history... good thing i have great taste in jewelry and wife doesn't have anything to worry about...

at the end of the day though there are 2 points here... #1 men are stupid, we can't read our SO's mind, we don't get our SO's hints... you ladies need to tell us straight up, not with hints... because we WON'T get them... #2 you are the wearer of the ER for the rest of your life! not the husband... so get what you want from the get go... this will save TONS of $$$ especially at the size of what you're dealing with...

yes i agree sometimes men have their ego to please... but if my wife is happy, i'm happy... happy wife, happy life is truly something every men should live by! macho husband depressed wife will be a living hell for both parties involved... you don't have to decide everything on your own and he doesn't have to decide everything on his own... this process is suppose to be the starting point of your journey together... have it memorable, have it fun for the both of you!

i wouldn't compromised on what shape you want... while color and clarity can be decided by the husband to be, you also have to understand some people are more sensitive to colors than other.... so make sure you tell him the LOWEST color grade you want... anything below you might be bothered by it, if you go the colorless route... if you go the fancy color route, better tell him what color you want... but then again a 3 carat EC fancy pink might be a fortune to own and takes a while to find! it's good that you showed him some setting options you like and definite no go... let him decide which one to get...

ok after all that, my concern is please please please get the 3 carat stone you like now... as oppose to months down the road... because you won't get the same money you bought the stone for now... it'll cost money to switch the another shape / color later... so get what you want now... something that you will be proud to wear for the rest of your life... if you don't like your ER in the beginning, it will keep on bugging you for the rest of your life until you say something about it to your husband later... remember at the end of day, you are the one who will be wearing the ring...

happy wife, happy life...

 

[msop04]

i might be late to the party but i wanted to put in my 2 cents from a male perspective...

this is the process that i went though with my wife... back then when i was looking for an ER, i did the usual question-the-wife-to-be thing... asked what shape she liked, and it turns out we're both step cut nuts! so i was really thrilled about it... and then asked what kind of settings she prefers, and what she didn't like... and the rest was history... good thing i have great taste in jewelry and wife doesn't have anything to worry about...

at the end of the day though there are 2 points here... #1 men are stupid, we can't read our SO's mind, we don't get our SO's hints... you ladies need to tell us straight up, not with hints... because we WON'T get them... #2 you are the wearer of the ER for the rest of your life! not the husband... so get what you want from the get go... this will save TONS of $$$ especially at the size of what you're dealing with...

yes i agree sometimes men have their ego to please... but if my wife is happy, i'm happy... happy wife, happy life is truly something every men should live by! macho husband depressed wife will be a living hell for both parties involved... you don't have to decide everything on your own and he doesn't have to decide everything on his own... this process is suppose to be the starting point of your journey together... have it memorable, have it fun for the both of you!

i wouldn't compromised on what shape you want... while color and clarity can be decided by the husband to be, you also have to understand some people are more sensitive to colors than other.... so make sure you tell him the LOWEST color grade you want... anything below you might be bothered by it, if you go the colorless route... if you go the fancy color route, better tell him what color you want... but then again a 3 carat EC fancy pink might be a fortune to own and takes a while to find! it's good that you showed him some setting options you like and definite no go... let him decide which one to get...

ok after all that, my concern is please please please get the 3 carat stone you like now... as oppose to months down the road... because you won't get the same money you bought the stone for now... it'll cost money to switch the another shape / color later... so get what you want now... something that you will be proud to wear for the rest of your life... if you don't like your ER in the beginning, it will keep on bugging you for the rest of your life until you say something about it to your husband later... remember at the end of day, you are the one who will be wearing the ring...

happy wife, happy life...

It sounds like you are very smart, my friend.

 

[Tekate]

Oh my, I have a 5ct fancy yellow E ring with side pears ( 6.4ish cttw), I must be gaudy, tacky and insecure and I even wear it in my trakkys, walking the dog. LOVE IT!

Well if you ever want ..I can take it off your hand(s) i'm getting on in age and being gaudy, and tacky is right up my alley! must be stunning...

 

[Tekate]

Yay!!! great news.. please post a pix or two when you get engaged.. I'm looking at a small, K colored cushion for a pendant and the warmer colors are quite nice..

This is the first of many meetings of differing ideas and thoughts.... a good marriage for me was to state my case and then wait as my husband is a computer programmer (or was .. retired now).. and normally we are able to work it out.. best wishes for a happy, wonerful life!

kate

update: I ventured to have a final talk on the situation with BF and really tried to get down to the main issues. I wanted him to explain to me his personal process : what it meant for him to surprise me, what delights him or makes him nervous about it..his whole perspective about it all. And then I let him know that in truth I would love to be surprised (isn't that part of the excitement?) but that I would feel more at ease if he would be open to me showing him the 3-4 different settings I liked. This way, he can really understand my choices, rather than just seeing a list of what to buy ~ and then he could ask me questions during the 'show and tell'. I also let him know that one of my deeper concerns was that I felt like it was his 'ego' taking over if he was so concerned with his vision and artistic control. And that it was important to me to feel like he 'listened' to my quirks.

This talk was well received: I showed him my top choices, things I wouldn't mind, and things that just were a NOGO. He asked me questions..(so I got more hints..YES!)..and now we're both happy. Total "consultation time" : about 20 minutes. Am I still concerned about how the E-Ring will look like..hell yes..the 2 lil angels on my shoulder are bickering about it as we speak..BUT am I stressed, or upset about it anymore? A happy NO...I'm so very excited now and cannot wait for the road ahead.

PS. For those interested in the hints I deduced:
-maybe pave around the band instead of a plain band.
-definitely emerald cut, but it could be emerald step or radiant cut
-could be a white stone...or possibly a stone with just a splash of color or warmth?

 

[SB621]

Congrats on the great talk with your SO. Hopefully now that the lines of communication are open he will continue to ask for more input etc.

*****************************************

I'm telling you I think the guy from this thread and the other one are the one in the same= troll.

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

How wonderful you no longer feel upset or anxious--just excited! Can't wait to see ring--hand shots are requisite yanno!

cheers--Sharon

 

[GeorgeStevens]

Am I still concerned about how the E-Ring will look like..hell yes..the 2 lil angels on my shoulder are bickering about it as we speak..BUT am I stressed, or upset about it anymore? A happy NO...I'm so very excited now and cannot wait for the road ahead.

Good news. I bet he's quite relieved too. A symbol of his love for you can be not but perfect. And I bet he'll surprise you with his creativity. Ignore the haters, including the one on your left shoulder, just as I've done with people on internet forums for the past 20 years.

-George "Kingfish" Stevens

 

[michelle0918]

I've been meaning to end this story with a happy ending since Memorial Day but life got the best of me!

Proposal in Turks & Caicos Island was perfect. The ring wasn't exactly what I would have designed for myself but is still perfect none-the-less I don't really have hand shots because my old phone is defunct..but here are some pics from the surprise proposal and the designer he commissioned (her fingers, not mine in the B&W pic).

All I know is it's a Fancy Light Yellow, 3.22 Emerald Cut center stone, VS1.
Color doesn't bother me one bit..I love the warmth it has, and sometimes it just looks like a beautiful clear white diamond, while other times it takes on surrounding light like light pink or blue. And the ratio is divine.

​

 

[Candygrl]

I've followed this thread from the beginning and I just have to tell you how gorgeous and stunning, and just how amazingly beautiful your ring is! We need to see the color! Just gorgeous

 

[momhappy]

sigh..Thank you so much everyone for your advice. Yes I think a Grey or Pink Diamond is something I would love if done right flanked by white sidestones but I think that is totally out of the budget...I'm lucky I'm getting a 3 carat at all and am thankful for even being in this dilemma. I spoke with him yesterday and said I always envisioned and want a white diamond and am not opposed to a colored diamond if we could pick it together. Again, he nicely said to me 'seeing it beforehand is not going to happen'. (He's the type where he's already trying to book the best resty for Vday a month beforehand-he's so great .

We both went to bed a little sad about the situation. Not sure if this is even the correct forum for this anymore but would love some male perspective on this. Thank you everyone.

This is one of those things that I'd have to stand firm on - I wouldn't want a surprise when it comes to a ring I plan to wear all day/every day. If it was me, I'd take him to dinner and gently (but firmly) explain why it's so important for me to choose. Sure, his feelings might be hurt, but I'm sure that he'd get over it. It's just that important. This isn't something that the two of you should be sad about and yet, you are. Tell him that and explain that this isn't one of those things that he should leave up to chance. Another possible scenario is to talk to a close friend of his that could point him in the right direction (after you've already filled the friend in on what you want).

EDIT: I just read the updates, so disregard! Congrats on a gorgeous ring

 

[Sophie2788]

I picked out all of my engagement rings (I've had 3) one was bought with out my knowledge, on was bought with me sitting next to him & I bought my last one which is on it's way I was still surprised each time and I'm sure I will be again as seeing a picture and seeing it in person is two completely different things, you get to know your ring, it's patterns certain things about the stone the prongs etc and in real life they are much more delicate and beautiful than a picture can capture! So yes I think you can pick your own ring and still have an element of surprise

 

[thecat]

Congrats on your engagement! It's a lovely ring!

 

[junebug17]

Thank you for coming back to update us! I don't think I commented but was following the thread - I really love your ring, it's gorgeous! It sounds like it was a magical proposal, congratulations!

 

[Gypsy]

Here's the thing.

Guys seem to think buying jewelry is like buying a T-shirt. Pick a color. Pick a size. Wear it and be happy.


It's more like buying a car. There are DOZENS of issues JUST with white diamonds. Add in color and then you have modifiers and hue and saturation... and it gets even more complicated.

I would explain it to him like this. Would be happy if you asked him: "DO you like colored cars? Or do you like white cars." And then on that information you go off and buy a car he will have to drive for THE REST OF HIS LIFE.

NO. He would want input on brand. On performance. On the engine. On the fuel. On the style: sedan? Hatchback? SUV? Truck?

SAME THING WITH A RING.

I know guys don't get it.

So you just have to be clear. This is an investment and the BEST THING for your RELATIONSHIP is to do this as a couple. And THAT IS WHAT YOU THINK IS ROMANTIC.

NOT a surprise. And he should respect that.

 

[sparkleme]

Absolutely gorgeous!

Congratulations on your engagement, and thank you for sharing your pics. Would love to see more!