Colored Diamond E-ring has me down

[Niel]

I have such mixed emotions about this topic. I remember starting another topic about this same thing recently....

I just dont know what what point the giver gets a say...

its their money, right? its a reflection of them when people look at it. But its a gift and a representation of their love, so shouldnt it be as much what the recipient wants as possible?

shoot i have no idea. I guess you just have to find a way to do both.

 

[packrat]

To me, it's no different than buying a gift for birthday/Christmas/anniversary. if your favorite color is yellow and I know this, but *I* happen to like blue best, do I buy the blue sweater even tho you may not like it but by golly *I* sure do? Nope. Then it becomes less about the recipient and more about the giver. Ehh yeah, it's ok, and I'll wear it to make you happy but it's not really what I wanted. I can get that from like, a grandma gift or something, but not an engagement ring from someone who wants to marry me and be w/me the rest of my life. Plus, I feel like it sets a tone for the marriage. Yeah, I know you were hoping to go to Hawaii for our honeymoon, but *I* felt we should go to California, and I'm paying for it, so you just can deal and be glad you get to go anywhere.

The gift giver shows the gift getter how much the gift giver loves the gift getter, by listening to what the gift getter wants b/c the gift getter is *heard* and not *ignored* or dismissed by the gift giver.

 

[Bron357]

Hi, my second post and I'll add my 2 cents worth. Coloured diamonds might mean a "fancy" ie yellow, blue, pink or green etc or it might mean a lower "white" colour ie M, N, O which are often refered to as warmer toned stones. Most people cant look at a diamond ring and at arms length (anyone who grabs your hand and whips out a loupe had better not be a stranger) and tell whether it's G color or I colour, VVS or VVS1 or .90 carats or 1.07 carats BUT the price difference could be a $1,000. I'd suggest you and your intended visit a number of jewellers and ask to view diamonds of different grades and sizes so you are both understanding the same thing and what compromises you are prepared to make for your budget. Some people will chose a bigger stone of lower colour and clarity over a more "perfect" but smaller size diamond. It's a personal taste. Some people will spend a few thousand on a fancy mount (ring setting) whereas others will spend the extra on the stone and go for a simple 6 prong setting. Learn as much as you can and then your decision will be made easier and less fraught with unwanted surprise!

 

[Niel]

To me, it's no different than buying a gift for birthday/Christmas/anniversary. if your favorite color is yellow and I know this, but *I* happen to like blue best, do I buy the blue sweater even tho you may not like it but by golly *I* sure do? Nope. Then it becomes less about the recipient and more about the giver. Ehh yeah, it's ok, and I'll wear it to make you happy but it's not really what I wanted. I can get that from like, a grandma gift or something, but not an engagement ring from someone who wants to marry me and be w/me the rest of my life. Plus, I feel like it sets a tone for the marriage. Yeah, I know you were hoping to go to Hawaii for our honeymoon, but *I* felt we should go to California, and I'm paying for it, so you just can deal and be glad you get to go anywhere.

The gift giver shows the gift getter how much the gift giver loves the gift getter, by listening to what the gift getter wants b/c the gift getter is *heard* and not *ignored* or dismissed by the gift giver.

Now I'm not saying you aren't right. I'm just saying I can see both sides of this because ...


It's not just any gift it's an engagement ring. Sounds like he is putting down a lot of money to get too. And it's a representation of their love, in many peoples eyes. If he is really into fashion and design, I could see why he would want a say, people will know he picked it out. And he may wan a ring that is different than others in his social circle.
It's not just any old gift, and though the recipient is wearing it, to some it's a ring for the both of them.

Plus maybe the only way he can afford a huge roc is by going colored. Maybe he found a nice 4 ct and was really excited to be able to provide her with even more than she wanted in the size department. I don't know. But I think there are variables and feelings that effect each situation differently.

 

[ooo~Shiney!]

Well, I am not a guy, but I've been married to one for going on 33 years.....

you CANNOT be non-specific and expect to get what your heart truly desires.
At least, not from my perspective with guys.... (*oh, and did I mention I also have 4 grown sons?)
With the men I know in life, the more specific you are, the better.
How can he really know?

After 30 years of marriage, I bought my own ER... (and I LOVE IT!!!!)
We had my Grandmother's gold wedding band until then.

Hell, after being on this board for a number of years, and staring at eveyone's bling every day, it's amazing that I even know what "I" like any more

Imagine what it's like for a guy to hear "oh, something 3 carat or something, as long as it's pretty" etc etc etc.
That's a mighty big purchase to leave it to someone else's taste, I know it may sound bad, but this is REALLY EXPENSIVE and I think you would be right to want a say.

I might not be alone..
Neil, didn't you buy your own ring....?

If it's already too late, just try to keep an open mind.
If his taste is really great, you probably hit the Jackpot.

 

[Niel]

I might be in the minority, and I am not a guy, but I've been married to one for going on 33 years.....

you CANNOT be non-specific and expect to get what your heart truly desires.
At least, not from my perspective with guys.... (*oh, and did I mention I also have 4 grown sons?)
With the men I know in life, the more specific you are, the better.
How can he really know?

After 30 years of marriage, I bought my own ER... (and I LOVE IT!!!!)
We had my Grandmother's gold wedding band until then.
I might not be alone..
Neil, didn't you buy your own ring....?

If it's already too late, just try to keep an open mind.
If his taste is really great, you probably hit the Jackpot.

I sure did! My husband couldn't care less about rings. Though I know he I wasn't allowed to own one he hated (a la dolphin ring) but he trusted my taste enough that I wouldn't buy one he hated.


We DID have a similar issue with his wedding band though. One of the ones he wanted was down right hideous! And I told him I hated it. I told him I'd look and if we couldn't find another one he liked I'd get him that, but he had to look around.

He ended up finding or we both love. So that was good.

 

[ooo~Shiney!]

I might be in the minority, and I am not a guy, but I've been married to one for going on 33 years.....

you CANNOT be non-specific and expect to get what your heart truly desires.
At least, not from my perspective with guys.... (*oh, and did I mention I also have 4 grown sons?)
With the men I know in life, the more specific you are, the better.
How can he really know?

After 30 years of marriage, I bought my own ER... (and I LOVE IT!!!!)
We had my Grandmother's gold wedding band until then.
I might not be alone..
Neil, didn't you buy your own ring....?

If it's already too late, just try to keep an open mind.
If his taste is really great, you probably hit the Jackpot.

I sure did! My husband couldn't care less about rings. Though I know he I wasn't allowed to own one he hated (a la dolphin ring) but he trusted my taste enough that I wouldn't buy one he hated.


We DID have a similar issue with his wedding band though. One of the ones he wanted was down right hideous! And I told him I hated it. I told him I'd look and if we couldn't find another one he liked I'd get him that, but he had to look around.

He ended up finding or we both love. So that was good.

OMG and the WB you picked for him is one of the BEST I've EVER seen on this site or anywhere !!!!!

also, I COULDN'T love your ER MORE !!!!!

 

[Niel]

Thanks shiney!
Sorry for the thread jack OP.

But I mean, you could do the same thing, without ruining the surprise. Tell your boyfriend you're unsure about colored stones but would be happy to look around. Go to some places with colored stones and take a look. I mean, how fun is that! Get a feel for what you really think I them. If you still don't like them, he can't say you didn't make an effort.

 

[vintagelover229]

Is something like this too much for you? It's a beautiful unique and stunning piece but not 3 carats
http://jewelsbyericagrace.smugmug.com/Jewelry/Modern-and-Estate-Pieces/153ct-Light-Yellow-Diamond/23766473_sJGvT3#!i=1925146479&k=JZwDFCN

 

[Laila619]

for my engagement ring, sorry, it WILL go the way *I* want it (w/in reason/budget of course), or he gets a punch in the throat. It's not like getting vetoed on your choice of where to eat for a night. Part of marriage is also not being the supreme ruler and dictating "like it or stuff it".

I agree. DH proposed with a ring I hated, didn't ask me for any input, and because I suffer from Too Nice syndrome, I was too chickensh*t to say I hated it. Needless to say, it caused a lot of resentment and wasted money down the road. I think the guy should just get his lady whatever she wants (within budget of course).

 

[gemtastic]

[URL='https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/my-new-pink-champagne-e-ring.78974/']https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/my-new-pink-champagne-e-ring.78974/[/URL]

I always thought this ring was a good example of understated elegance.

 

[duckduckgoose]

Lurker here ~ thought this might be a good thread for my first post

michelle0918, it sounds like we have similar taste! I have a LM platinum solitaire with double claw prongs, but with a 2 carat oval. I toyed with the idea of a fancy colored diamond as well, but I just didn't have it in me to commit to it. I also wasn't drawn to a white-white diamond either so I ended up with a J color. It is definitely white enough to be plenty neutral for my taste (I also tend to wear a lot of black and white, neutral colors, etc), but it is also "warm" in some lights. It gives it a little distinction that I think is really charming and interesting. Perhaps you would be really happy with a warm diamond that isn't super white, but that also isn't a strong colored stone? An emerald cut like you want would really showcase a hint of color/warmth well .

Edited: smiley faces came up as shocked faces!

 

[SB621]

This might be a bit of threadjack but I'm hoping my story might help you. When my DH and I were looking at rings way back when he was adment about picking out the entire thing. He asked what I liked and what I didn't want but everything else HAD to be a surprise. He didn't want to go ring shopping and everytime I brought it up we would have a mini tiff about it. It got to the point where I stopped bringing it up all together as it just wasn't a good topic of conversation for us. He knew how much I loved jewelry and how particular I was.

Then my beautiful, now mother in law stepped in (who is also a relationship therapist ). She had a conversation with my DH where she stated WHY does it matter to him if it is a surprise or not? I was the one going to wear the ring and it would be me that would constantly look at it everyday remembering it was a token of OUR love. That day we went out ring shopping together and had a wonderful time trying on different things and looking at diamonds. It was like a barrier between us just fell away and we were both excitied about the ring and getting engaged vs the stress of it.

I'm not sure if you feel comfortable bringing in a 3rd party but I do think you could sit down with him and explain you don't like how this process is putting stress on both of you. So perhaps you either just step away and let him surprise you with whatever....and hopefully it will blow you away. Or ask to have him include you a bit more. No relationship wants to start out on stress over these details which are supposed to be one of the most exciting times of your life.

I do hope you keep us updated and I will cross my fingers for you that everything works out and he will blow you away- with or without your help!

 

[michelle0918]

Thanks everyone for your input..I'll admit when I first started this post (my 1st!) I was so nervous as to what reactions might be. I am grateful for both the female and male perspective! I understand everyone's side...which is probably why I'm in the predicament I'm in right now. I went crazy looking at what I might want. And you know how it goes..'well if it's going to be this carat size..then this cut is better..but if it's this, than x,y,z is a better setting'. I started this journey not even knowing what the 4-Cs were...now I feel armed with great info and options from great sites like this one.

In order to not leave room for error, and also to insure that my BF wouldn't waste his money and the satisfaction of knowing I LOVE what he chose...I gave him very specific info once I realized what I would be happy with : 3 carat (luckily this is his chosen size), simple platinum band setting with double claw prong from LM (relatively affordable if you get the stone somewhere else), no halo, no pave on band...emerald cut, ratio 1.3-1.4. Again I would leave the quality of the stone and it's specs to him to choose.

I feel like I might have been very specific but again it's pretty simple and lower in price compared to the 3stone or antique french cuts bands I was also eyeing but can save for an upgrade.

I thought it was ok I gave him my aesthetic framework...while I completely gave up control of the even harder job (i feel) of picking out the right stone. I mean then you start getting into specifics like depth, clarity, table, etc etc which ultimately affects a huge portion of the price of the ring - so I leave that to him since it is his money. I know that he's thinking of an actual colored stone..not just a warmer color (which I have seen some beautiful ones here on PS)

He does have great tastes..but I honestly don't think he's as familiar as I am with everything that goes into a Diamond Ring. A prong is not just a prong to me...it's those little details that one chooses and when it's all put together..it is a custom ring that you both got together..even if it does look like another Emerald Cut ring in Platinum to the woman sitting next to you.

And even after all of this and getting my feelings out..I think I will concede to not speaking about it anymore unless he asks me. I love him very much and don't want to badger or stress him out -I have done my part in letting him know what I want.

Thanks again everyone...I'll keep my head up, be thankful I have a great man, and hopefully share some great news with you in the future months ahead

 

[Tekate]

(((Michelle091)) aw I'm sorry.. I think what he has purchasef or is getting ready to buy for you is going to be wonderful.. after all, this is THE GUY. I cannot over emphasize how stressful the engagement and wedding planning can be and in my day your mom did a lot I am sending you tons of hugs... I am sure you both are wonderful people.. I think ANYONE who finds Pricescope is a 1 performer (we always said that at IBM).. is a person who loves diamonds and jewelry and likes very much to get another jewelry lover's opinion... this is very important.. but not more important than you and him. If it's not 'you' then get yourself one heck of a humongous emerald shape WHITE, WELL CUT diamonds for your wedding band and wear this more.. there are many gorgeous bands out there.. my mom always said.. "kate, where's there's a will there's a way" keep your eye on the real important thing here.. you and him and this wonderful future you have together.. again wishing much peace, happiness, and love for your future life as a married woman!!

kate

sigh..Thank you so much everyone for your advice. Yes I think a Grey or Pink Diamond is something I would love if done right flanked by white sidestones but I think that is totally out of the budget...I'm lucky I'm getting a 3 carat at all and am thankful for even being in this dilemma. I spoke with him yesterday and said I always envisioned and want a white diamond and am not opposed to a colored diamond if we could pick it together. Again, he nicely said to me 'seeing it beforehand is not going to happen'. (He's the type where he's already trying to book the best resty for Vday a month beforehand-he's so great .

We both went to bed a little sad about the situation. Not sure if this is even the correct forum for this anymore but would love some male perspective on this. Thank you everyone.

 

[iluvdiamonds2]

OMG - Pick the diamond yourself in person and let him pick one of 5 settings (or more) that you like. Just make sure you pick the color you want, d,e,f,g. If you want classic and you are in doubt, definitely go with a regular diamond. (unless you LOVE a certain color like yellow, pink, etc. and that's your signature color, I wouldn't (personally) invest tons of $ into a 3 carat diamond. This is from experience and years of reading these posts!

 

[diamondseeker2006]

A sign of a successful relationship is one where the giver listens to the preferences of the recipient and wants to please them. I am wondering if he had a clue about the prices of well cut 3 ct diamonds in the near colorless range. Because I really don't see a good reason to be looking at low color emerald cuts other than to save money (unless someone really wants a colored diamond like fancy light yellow, etc.)

Do you have any clue what his budget is? A 3 ct I VS1 is around $35k plus maybe $3k for the solitaire setting. I really would get the side baguettes at the outset if you want them, because it definitely is not as simple as just adding them later. You'd have to start over with a new ring.

Here is a gorgeous 3 ct J color EC posted a few years ago,

 

[GeorgeStevens]

So georgestevens, did you get her a fancy color diamond or did she fall in love with them after you were married?

We started going to the annual noble and important jewels auctions at Sotheby's and Christies, where they have stuff from $5K to $86 million. Much of it is old junk, but they often have some great pieces from Graff, Bulgari, VCA, etc. It ranges from unmounted diamonds to full parures. What I particularly like about auctions is that you're observing actual market-clearing prices between arms-length buyers and sellers. Prices on a website are just asking prices - who knows what the actual sale price is?

As for OP, I think she's succeeded in taking all the fun out of the process for the husband-to-be by specifying pretty much everything - even a length-to-width ratio - seriously? Personally I'd run from her. This is a gift from the man and it's entirely his prerogative what he's to buy. The woman can drop hints like, "ooh, isn't Stacy's ring nice?", but specifying it all the way down to the appropriate length-width ratio is beyond the pale. Sit back and let him be a man. You'll be happier in the long-run.

 

[Niel]

So georgestevens, did you get her a fancy color diamond or did she fall in love with them after you were married?

We started going to the annual noble and important jewels auctions at Sotheby's and Christies, where they have stuff from $5K to $86 million. Much of it is old junk, but they often have some great pieces from Graff, Bulgari, VCA, etc. It ranges from unmounted diamonds to full parures. What I particularly like about auctions is that you're observing actual market-clearing prices between arms-length buyers and sellers. Prices on a website are just asking prices - who knows what the actual sale price is?

As for OP, I think she's succeeded in taking all the fun out of the process for the husband-to-be by specifying pretty much everything - even a length-to-width ratio - seriously? Personally I'd run from her. This is a gift from the man and it's entirely his prerogative what he's to buy. The woman can drop hints like, "ooh, isn't Stacy's ring nice?", but specifying it all the way down to the appropriate length-width ratio is beyond the pale. Sit back and let him be a man. You'll be happier in the long-run.

seriously??

 

[AprilBaby]

Please come back when you have your ring so we can all oooh and aaah!

 

[pixgirl]

I think that colored diamonds need halos or pave to make them look good so I don't care for a colored stone in a plain solitaire. Tell him exactly what you want - this is a forever ring and you need to LOVE it. Good luck and let us know how it works out.

 

[Circe]

Niel, you are a woman after my own heart.

George, I can see why you'd identify, if only on the basis of gender, even without the similar personality types, but ... no. Being "a man" does not mean having the last word, women get a say in how they want to decide to begin their lives with said men, together. Some ladies like doing it the "traditional" way (it's not that long of a tradition, 100 years or less), some really prefer joint selection (which makes sense since their finances, too, will be wed). It would be silly to throw away 30k on something the person to whom it's to be given will not enjoy.

Unless "being a man" also means prioritizing a show of submission over a partner's happiness. Of course, personally, I'd run a country mile from that type way faster than I would from a partner who was considerate enough to give me clear guidelines ... heck, I WISH my husband would so that sort of thing! Every gift-giving occasion is like an exercise in mind-reading, and, personally speaking, there's nothing I hate more than the twinned guilt of getting a gift the other person hates AND knowing I've spent innumerable hours /dollars on the wrong track ....

 

[Circe]

Michelle, I hope your partner has chosen something that will make you ecstatically happy. Even if he does, though, the difference in your two approaches is something it might not hurt to revisit in a less fraught period ... a difference in style like this is symbolically one of the best to learn to compromise on.

You both want to be engaged! He wants to buy you a beautiful ring! You want to wear it for the rest of your life as a sign of your commitment! That's a great thing to find a middle ground on and use as a foundational model for future, potentially more acrimonious disagreements ...

 

[msop04]

So georgestevens, did you get her a fancy color diamond or did she fall in love with them after you were married?

We started going to the annual noble and important jewels auctions at Sotheby's and Christies, where they have stuff from $5K to $86 million. Much of it is old junk, but they often have some great pieces from Graff, Bulgari, VCA, etc. It ranges from unmounted diamonds to full parures. What I particularly like about auctions is that you're observing actual market-clearing prices between arms-length buyers and sellers. Prices on a website are just asking prices - who knows what the actual sale price is?

As for OP, I think she's succeeded in taking all the fun out of the process for the husband-to-be by specifying pretty much everything - even a length-to-width ratio - seriously? Personally I'd run from her. This is a gift from the man and it's entirely his prerogative what he's to buy. The woman can drop hints like, "ooh, isn't Stacy's ring nice?", but specifying it all the way down to the appropriate length-width ratio is beyond the pale. Sit back and let him be a man. You'll be happier in the long-run.

seriously??

OMGAWD... not this mentality again??!! I will just bite my tongue... for now.

 

[Huldak]

I can't help but think when I see these kinds of statements (and also that thread where OP asks how much should be spent on a ring) that people are just messing with us.

 

[elle_chris]

To the OP-
No matter how many times you say he has great taste and you trust him, it's kinda obvious you don't. At least not with this purchase.

If I were you, I would just be straight up with him. Reiterate that's it's an expensive purchase, one you'll wear for the rest of your life. So you'd really love to be involved in the process. Then take HIM ring shopping so he knows exactly what you want.

There's nothing wrong with this. In fact, for my second e-ring, I was the one that picked out the stone and setting.

 

[msop04]

I can't help but think when I see these kinds of statements (and also that thread where OP asks how much should be spent on a ring) that people are just messing with us.

ME TOO!!! It's just difficult for me to believe that they actually believe what they write...

 

[msop04]

To the OP-
No matter how many times you say he has great taste and you trust him, it's kinda obvious you don't. At least not with this purchase.

If I were you, I would just be straight up with him. Reiterate that's it's an expensive purchase, one you'll wear for the rest of your life. So you'd really love to be involved in the process. Then take HIM ring shopping so he knows exactly what you want.

There's nothing wrong with this. In fact, for my second e-ring, I was the one that picked out the stone and setting.

+1

 

[michelle0918]

Being a first time poster I'm really overwhelmed by the supportive comments...and have read and taken all points/advice into consideration. It was nice to have this board to vent my frustrations out, and though I'd be lying if I said I was 100% at peace with the situation...I will say that I'm in a much better place than when I first posted. Thank you all for that!

And a special shout-out to GeorgeStevens...I did ask for some male perspective...and he took the time to write one. Can't fault him for that. My 'thank you' goes out to him as well.

PS. Don't worry about running away from me...I'm not running toward your direction either ~ I'm already spoken for.

 

[msop04]

Being a first time poster I'm really overwhelmed by the supportive comments...and have read and taken all points/advice into consideration. It was nice to have this board to vent my frustrations out, and though I'd be lying if I said I was 100% at peace with the situation...I will say that I'm in a much better place than when I first posted. Thank you all for that!

And a special shout-out to GeorgeStevens...I did ask for some male perspective...and he took the time to write one. Can't fault him for that. My 'thank you' goes out to him as well.

PS. Don't worry about running away from me...I'm not running toward your direction either ~ I'm already spoken for.

This cracked me up!!

Good luck to you, OP!! Make sure you post that fabulous ring when you get it!!