Boy/girl sleepover?

[Decision_Decisions]

My son is almost 11. He has mostly boy friends but there is one girl in his group of friends. I don't think my son has any crushes yet. I think he basically considers her one of the guys, just nicer (boys can be such jerks to each other sometimes!). They play outside together, play online video games together, etc.

One of his boy friends and the girl have had sleepovers before. My son was invited to the last one but we said no. I feel at this stage that it's innocent but that it's a slippery slope once you say yes and I don't want to have to guess at what age it might not be innocent. My son was crushed and doesn't understand why having her there is an issue. I expect he will be invited again in the future.

Is a boy/girl sleepover a new thing? I just don't understand why the girl has to be invited at all honestly, but I'm wondering if I'm being too conservative. From what I understand they are in a shared sleeping space (playroom floor). Would you be ok with this for your tween child (boy or girl)? Are there certain scenarios in which you might consider it vs others? This is a new one for me!!

 

[lulu_ma]

This issue came up last summer. My 12 yo daughter's male friend invited her and bunch of other female friends for a sleepover. I told her no. I don't know the boy and his parents that well so that was an issue, too.

 

[Diamond Girl 21]

My daughter is an adult now, so it's been awhile since we've had sleepovers, but this might help for the future. The first boy/girl sleepover was at our house after prom. Our house has 3 floors. The girls and I slept upstairs, my husband slept on the main floor in between where everyone else was sleeping, and the boys were on the lower level. They were all good kids, but I didn't want to take any chances. All the parents were contacted and agreed to the arrangement before the sleepover. Btw, I'm using the word sleep loosely. I think they were up until 5:00am.

In your case, the children are much younger, but I still wouldn't be comfortable with them being together all night.

 

[Ionysis]

Depends on the child. My daughter is 11 and still extremely innocent and young for her age. I’d have no issue with having a boy over for a play date and staying over here. But I wouldn’t have her go to another persons house in the same circumstances. Honestly I don’t let my daughters do sleepovers at all unless we know the family very well.

 

[PinkAndBlueBling]

Hmmm...I don't know. You don't want to teach him that boys and girls can't have a platonic friendship. If they were older and one of them were gay it wouldn't be a problem, right?

I would think it's all very innocent at 10 y/o. I'd casually ask him how he feels about her and about boys and girls being friends. If you do say no, be honest about your reasons. You don't want him thinking either of them did or will do something wrong.

I would say no if I didn't know the family.

All of that being said, my kids are grown and I'm so freaking happy I don't have this problem!

 

[missy]

I don't have kids so take this with a grain of salt. But nope. I wouldn't like that.
I remember going to boy girl parties at age 11 and we played games. Like 7 minutes in heaven and spin the bottle etc. So we were all very well aware of our sexuality at that age and well, I do not think a boy girl sleepover is a great idea. IMO.

 

[elle_71125]

I don’t have any kids but I wouldn’t be ok with a boy/ girl sleepover.

Based on my experience, boys and girls at 11 years old are in no way innocent anymore. I know some are so I don’t want to paint with a broad brush. But it’s nothing like it was when I was 11, I can tell you that. I know several 11-12 year olds that have sent sexts to other kids their age, sent inappropriate pics, and more. These kids are bombarded with sexuality from tv, video games, and most especially their peers.

I would say no but offer to have a party where the kids can hang out together. It doesn’t have to be a sleepover to be a good time.

 

[HGar]

My kids are 16, 14 and 12 - girl, boy, boy - luckily we have never had the issue come up however it would be a no from my husband and I.

Spending time together - no issues but no sleepovers. Our 16 (almost 17) daughter has a boyfriend however he is not allowed in her bedroom for any reason. We have more then ample “public” spaces that they can hang out together.

 

[MamaBear]

That’d be a definite no from me. I encourage you to be confident in your initial feelings and stick to them. No matter what anyone else’s experience, you know your kids best. At that age, they are well aware of their sexuality, IMO….
Another thought is if you start it now, they may balk when you say no as they get older…

 

[donnabrsd]

I'm fine with boy/girl sleepovers. Not sleeping in the same bed together, but a group or a few sleeping scattered in our bonus room was fine with me. The first time one of my kids did was at about 14. My feeling was if they were going to do anything, they are less likely to do it in a home with parents and siblings home. I have 4 kids, ages now are 31 to 19. When I was 15 or 16, my close friend and I did it too. We had a large group of friends where we all spent the night at two of the boys' houses.

That said, I was very particular where my kids could sleep. I had to know both parents and not just a quick hello at the door while dropping them off.

 

[tyty333]

That would be a no for me too. Even though it may be purely innocent it's too much of a slippery slope.

 

[YadaYadaYada]

I consider myself to be conservative too, we do not allow sleepovers at all, even if we did boy/girl sleepovers would be a hard no.

 

[swingtime]

Could you ask your son to come up with an alternative really fun thing to do with his friends? Sleepovers are special at that age, so I can understand his FOMO. Could you take them camping - sleepover with you there. I agree with PinkAndBlue - I wouldn't want to send the message that boys and girls can't have platonic friendships - and I'm so glad my kids are grown, so I don't have to deal with this.

 

[seaurchin]

Imo sleepovers are prime time for kids of any age to do all sorts of naughty things, including those involving nudity etc., regardless of the gender mix of the group.

But I'd expect these mixed gender sleepovers between his friends to soon be coming to an end anyway. Age ten is one thing, twelve is another.

When mine were young, I'd rather err on the side of caution. Then offer something else fun to soften the blow when possible.

I also don't think it's always necessary to explain why, for ex. if you think it would give him a confusing message. For ex., there were some kids who could play at our house but I didn't want my kids at their house because I thought the parents were questionable. I didn't want to have that info. slip out and cause a problem with the neighbors. So I'd just tell my kids no, for one vague reason or another. It seemed like they'd soon stop asking.

 

[House Cat]

My son is 16. His best friend is female and has a boyfriend. She has a terrible home life. She lives in an office building without a shower. She doesn’t have a bed either. She’s allowed to sleep over anytime she wishes. We’re kind of doing a trial thing. If it works out, I am going to have her move in.

Edit: she has her own room here

 

[nala]

No. Would have never allowed my Daughter at that age to do that so wouldn’t want that for another girl. As a teacher, I can tell you that kids develop at different paces and not every 11 is innocent. It only takes one to instigate wild ideas and the risk it poses to all involved is not worth it.

 

[MaisOuiMadame]

Mmhhhh depends on circumstances and kids.

My DS ist 14 and he and his friend group all have been in the same class since they were 6. There are two girls who have been part of my son's group of friends of about 8 kids. They are just considered friends on equal terms. I know all parents very well and don't have issues with group sleepovers of that group.

It has happened for birthday parties several times and since I know the parents I know that they supervise the parties in a way that suits me (no leaving the house by the supervising adults, regularly checking on the kids etc etc). The girls always sleep in a different room . And my son is more conservative than me and kind of prudish at age 14. He'd rather die than get caught in a compromising situation. And he's not one to be convinced to do stuff he doesn't want to do .


So under those strict parameters I'm ok with it.

Otherwise not. Goes for any kind of sleepover btw. I need to know the parents well and preferably have the child over first.

DD 2 (12 y/o) is even more conservative thinking than her brother and when they played spin the bottle at a party she and her friend went out into the garden. She wouldn't even want to do mixed gender sleepovers.


ETA : when I say conservative I mean in a grumpy old neighbor-get off my lawn style. He can laugh at himself though

 

[MissGotRocks]

No, I would never have agreed to that - either at my house or someone else’s house. Just asking for the possibility of trouble that no one - kids or parents - need. The responsibility of it all would be too overwhelming.

 

[yennyfire]

A few years ago I would have said absolutely not, under any circumstances. However, my 17 year old son has now been to two coed sleepovers (NYE and post prom) at one of his girlfriend’s friends homes. I spoke to the Mom and my son’s gf’s Mom re: sleeping arrangements, etc. (the boys/girls slept on separate floors). We also spoke with our son about being respectful in someone else’s home and to be grateful for the trust we were putting in him. He’s a good kid and we adore his girlfriend, but we are not naive. Do they drink sometimes? Yes…but they never drive, they call us if needed, no questions asked. Do they have sex? Quite possibly (though I hope not—they’re each other’s first bf/gf so maybe not yet??). And we’ve talked about that as well (how it changes the intensity of a relationship, once done, it can’t be undone, etc.).

The bottom line is that in one year’s time, he will be going to college where we will have no say about where he sleeps or with whom. We can only pray that we’ve taught him to be thoughtful in his choices and to think with his big head and not his little one. We generally ask him “would you be embarrassed telling Mom/Dad xyz” and if the answer is yes, then it’s probably not a good choice and to reconsider.

At 11/12, I do think it’s critical that you know the families involved and ensure that you’re all on the same page re: expectations for supervision. I also think that having open dialogue with your son is important and it’s never too early to start because the conversations only get more important as they get older.

Good luck!

 

[LightBright]

Hard No. I would pretty much never have a boy/girl sleepover or allow my kid to be in one. I can recall talk of boyfriends and girlfriends in First Grade (decades ago). I also recall boys in my elementary school talking about the girl who matured early. I wouldn’t put anyone in “a position to fail“ on this one.

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

I don't have kids so take this with a grain of salt. But nope. I wouldn't like that.
I remember going to boy girl parties at age 11 and we played games. Like 7 minutes in heaven and spin the bottle etc. So we were all very well aware of our sexuality at that age and well, I do not think a boy girl sleepover is a great idea. IMO.

Good point
I forgot about spin the bottle at that age

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

My son is 16. His best friend is female and has a boyfriend. She has a terrible home life. She lives in an office building without a shower. She doesn’t have a bed either. She’s allowed to sleep over anytime she wishes. We’re kind of doing a trial thing. If it works out, I am going to have her move in.

Edit: she has her own room here

Oh the poor thing
i hope it works out her coming to live with you

 

[diamondringlover]

I am the mom of 2 grown sons and boys hormones are just starting to rear up about that age and so are girls so I am on the no camp I wouldnt allow it, play together yes sleep over no

 

[MakingTheGrade]

Same gender sleep overs aren’t exactly innocent either But at least nobody is going to get pregnancy.

As a kid I found it ironic that I wasn’t allowed to go to co Ed sleepovers but I was allowed to have female friends sleep in my bed with me unsupervised and I was allowed to sleep over at their Chinese friends homes who had boys my age. Let’s just say fooling around happened with both these scenarios when I was a tween.

All that being said, I think sleep overs in general are a bit sketchy unless there’s an adult in the room providing direct supervision. In which case the co-Ed thing shouldn’t matter.
I work with a lot of kids. If your kid is curious, they’ll find a way and Definitely don’t wait until high school to have “the talk”.

 

[pearlsngems]

I have to say I thought, "No way!" as soon as I read the title of this thread.

My daughter attended a grand total of 2 sleepovers-- girls only-- once in elementary school and once in middle school. Before agreeing, I asked the parents if there were any guns in the house. Awkward, yes, but I felt the need to ask. (I had a neighbor whose teenaged son killed himself with his father's hunting rifle after his girlfriend broke up with him.)
One father said "no" but I later learned that he did have a gun in the house, but removed it before the sleepover.

 

[Ionysis]

Wow. Being from the U.K. it would never even have occurred to me to ask that. Thank god.

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

I remember in internediate school (middle school but only 2 years, 12 & 13 years old) we had a really good class who mixed well, all quite innocent, then we got a transfer student who had been expelled from another school who turned up the first day with a hicky and all the good dynamics dissipated

 

[seaurchin]

I have to say I thought, "No way!" as soon as I read the title of this thread.

My daughter attended a grand total of 2 sleepovers-- girls only-- once in elementary school and once in middle school. Before agreeing, I asked the parents if there were any guns in the house. Awkward, yes, but I felt the need to ask. (I had a neighbor whose teenaged son killed himself with his father's hunting rifle after his girlfriend broke up with him.)
One father said "no" but I later learned that he did have a gun in the house, but removed it before the sleepover.

I saw a forum discussion elsewhere on this once and a few people said there was no way in hell they would tell anyone if they had a gun in the house or not. They worried that then someone might try to steal their gun or have that information about their home security or lack thereof. Before that, it had never occurred to me that anyone would lie about it.

 

[FL_runner]

I saw a forum discussion elsewhere on this once and a few people said there was no way in hell they would tell anyone if they had a gun in the house or not. They worried that then someone might try to steal their gun or have that information about their home security or lack thereof. Before that, it had never occurred to me that anyone would lie about it.

It’s really scary isn’t it? We own a few and used to keep them in the house, locked up of course with a separate locked safe for ammo. I let parents know before play dates always!!! We keep them out of the house at the range now, even stored properly it made me nervous once we had kids. My husband used to collect old guns and fix them up, mostly WW1 and WW2 but that hobby is on pause. I ask, and I also ask about pool safety- lots of pools near me and most people dont have fences/alarms.

 

[FL_runner]

I am not big on sleepovers in general. I like to host parties for the kiddos that run late, like movies and pizza, but then send the kids home. I’d steer away from a co Ed sleepover at that age, maybe if you knew the parents well and the parents slept in the room with them.