Another Invitation Faux Pas

[JewelFreak]

My nephew lives in Utah. He's a very sweet fellow, not over-endowed with ambition but doing ok. I've spent very little time with him -- only on a couple of occasions have I seen him, actually, because I see very little of my brother, so didn't get to know his kids as they grew up. Distances were too far. A couple years ago he got married & I hear his wife is just great -- my sister lives closer to them & has pal-ed around with them a fair bit.

Ok, I live in the Southeast, they're in Utah. Baby due next month -- and I get an invite to a baby shower for her -- in Salt Lake! I've never met her, remember. I barely know her husband either. Included is the address to which to send "present, money, or card."

I'm not upset or angry at all. Just surprised. I don't think, from what I've heard, that she's a grabby sort. I put it down to lack of education -- a baby announcement when the tadpole arrives is the more graceful thing for far-away relatives. I am embroidering a wall-hanging for the kid's room anyway & will send it when it's finished. In the meantime, guess I'll send them a congratulatory email.

Oh well, just had to get it off my chest!

--- Laurie

 

[chrono]

Surely she doesn't expect you to attend her baby shower all the way up in Utah, not to mention you barely know each other. Your idea of a home-made gift together with a card sounds like a wonderful way to celebrate a new life and I would be delighted with such a gift! Nothing speaks more to me than something made with love.

 

[SB621]

I'm sort of cringing at this because when we were overseas and I had my shower my host sent several invites to my mother/ aunts / grandmothers etc that obviously couldn't attend, but I still wanted them to feel included. Along with the invite there was a little message about how even though I was 3,000 miles away she still wanted to include my family.

I'm not sure why but if this was for a wedding it would bother me alot more. For a baby I don't find it grabby and i would send a gift.

 

[smitcompton]

Hi,

I'm with Sarahbear on this one. They certainly don't expect you to come, but as an aunt wanted to include you. Personally, I want those invitations. It keeps the family news heard, and makes me feel included. I don't always feel the need to send a gift, but I appreciate they wanted to include me.

Annette

 

[junebug17]

Yeah, I think people do this because they want others to feel included...I really don't think this couple expected you to attend. Although I admit this situation is a little different since you basically have no relationship with either of them. But you are a close relative in the sense you are his aunt, so maybe that's how they looked at it. They probably could have skipped the address part as well but who knows, maybe they were just trying to be helpful since most people do want to send something, be it a card or whatever. I agree that it would have been more appropriate to send an announcement to you, but not everyone is aware of these kinds of things!

 

[distracts]

I send invitations to out of town people who, if they were in-town, would definitely be invited and attend. When I don't, I get peeved emails/phone calls about why I didn't include them! An announcement is definitely not sufficient for most of them. The only etiquette faux-pas I really see is the address for gift/money/card, though if they had said something like "here is the address in case you want to send well-wishes," I probably wouldn't have been bothered.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Ah, this is kind of funny because invites were sent to people I didn't expect to attend because one lived half way across the country (and two others lived in other states) and my shower host wanted to invite these gals. All three attended! I was really surprised, but as it turns out, some look forward to baby showers as a reason to escape for the weekend and catch up with everyone.

 

[aviastar]

I have to agree with others- I sent invites tot things to out of towners because they are my family/my girlfriends- if they were here they would be invited. It's about inclusion and thoughtfulness; I love getting the invites even if I can't possibly attend.

 

[iheartscience]

I think it's less the invite than the note about where to send money and/or gifts. Thanks, if I want to send a gift I can figure that out!

 

[missy]

I think it's less the invite than the note about where to send money and/or gifts. Thanks, if I want to send a gift I can figure that out!

Yes, this is the part that I think is in poor taste. I think it's fine to be gracious and include an invite to someone you know cannot make it just to let them know you are thinking of them and they would love them to come. However, to include the part about where to send the gift/money. Not cool. That feels like a gift grab whether or not it was intended to be one.

 

[SB621]

I think it's less the invite than the note about where to send money and/or gifts. Thanks, if I want to send a gift I can figure that out!

Yes, this is the part that I think is in poor taste. I think it's fine to be gracious and include an invite to someone you know cannot make it just to let them know you are thinking of them and they would love them to come. However, to include the part about where to send the gift/money. Not cool. That feels like a gift grab whether or not it was intended to be one.

I get this point but to me baby shower invites are different from other invites where it is usually more taboo to put where you register. For baby showers I don't think I have ever gotten an invite that DIDN'T state this info.

 

[momhappy]

I don't see this as a faux pas. I see it as a way to include extended family. Most showers are planned by a family member or close friend and they probably just got a list of people to invite. Since you had already planned a gift, I guess I don't see the big deal?

 

[minousbijoux]

I'm sort of cringing at this because when we were overseas and I had my shower my host sent several invites to my mother/ aunts / grandmothers etc that obviously couldn't attend, but I still wanted them to feel included. Along with the invite there was a little message about how even though I was 3,000 miles away she still wanted to include my family.

I'm not sure why but if this was for a wedding it would bother me alot more. For a baby I don't find it grabby and i would send a gift.

I agree with this wholeheartedly, and giving them the benefit of the doubt, hope that they did it just because any birth in a family is huge and exciting and maybe it was their way of making you feel included.

 

[minousbijoux]

Again, giving them the benefit of the doubt, I would assume that they had one invitation which had the info in it about where to send things or where your nephew and wife are registered, and they just didn't modify it for out of towners...

 

[iheartscience]

I think it's less the invite than the note about where to send money and/or gifts. Thanks, if I want to send a gift I can figure that out!

Yes, this is the part that I think is in poor taste. I think it's fine to be gracious and include an invite to someone you know cannot make it just to let them know you are thinking of them and they would love them to come. However, to include the part about where to send the gift/money. Not cool. That feels like a gift grab whether or not it was intended to be one.

I get this point but to me baby shower invites are different from other invites where it is usually more taboo to put where you register. For baby showers I don't think I have ever gotten an invite that DIDN'T state this info.

Registry information isn't ever supposed to be included with an invite, whether it's a wedding or a baby shower. I mean you'll get gifts, everyone knows how it works, no need to put it in with the invite!

 

[MichelleCarmen]

I think it's less the invite than the note about where to send money and/or gifts. Thanks, if I want to send a gift I can figure that out!

Yes, this is the part that I think is in poor taste. I think it's fine to be gracious and include an invite to someone you know cannot make it just to let them know you are thinking of them and they would love them to come. However, to include the part about where to send the gift/money. Not cool. That feels like a gift grab whether or not it was intended to be one.

I get this point but to me baby shower invites are different from other invites where it is usually more taboo to put where you register. For baby showers I don't think I have ever gotten an invite that DIDN'T state this info.

Registry information isn't ever supposed to be included with an invite, whether it's a wedding or a baby shower. I mean you'll get gifts, everyone knows how it works, no need to put it in with the invite!

I just got invited to a shower and the registry info was included. It is awkward because I tend to be practical when it comes to buying baby clothes...maybe that is because I've already had two babies and know that diapers leak and outfits need to be changed frequently and I cannot imagine buying a $50 outfit for a newborn or just buying half the outfit - just the shirt, not not the fancy matching overalls. I had planned to go to Old Navy and buy a ton of stuff on sale...but apprarently, Old Navy wouldn't be acceptable by looking at what is on the registry

 

[missy]

I think it's less the invite than the note about where to send money and/or gifts. Thanks, if I want to send a gift I can figure that out!

Yes, this is the part that I think is in poor taste. I think it's fine to be gracious and include an invite to someone you know cannot make it just to let them know you are thinking of them and they would love them to come. However, to include the part about where to send the gift/money. Not cool. That feels like a gift grab whether or not it was intended to be one.

I get this point but to me baby shower invites are different from other invites where it is usually more taboo to put where you register. For baby showers I don't think I have ever gotten an invite that DIDN'T state this info.

Registry information isn't ever supposed to be included with an invite, whether it's a wedding or a baby shower. I mean you'll get gifts, everyone knows how it works, no need to put it in with the invite!

I just got invited to a shower and the registry info was included. It is awkward because I tend to be practical when it comes to buying baby clothes...maybe that is because I've already had two babies and know that diapers leak and outfits need to be changed frequently and I cannot imagine buying a $50 outfit for a newborn or just buying half the outfit - just the shirt, not not the fancy matching overalls. I had planned to go to Old Navy and buy a ton of stuff on sale...but apprarently, Old Navy wouldn't be acceptable by looking at what is on the registry

I don't remember ever getting registry info included in any invite. I was just invited to a wedding and no mention was made of where the couple is registered. On facebook however all that info is listed along with engagement photos etc. I think that is a good way to do it. It's very easy to find out where someone is registered without including it in an invite. I see though that things are done differently in different areas but I can say it is not the norm here to include registry info.

Regardless of that though I see where Laurie is coming from and yes it can be off putting if you are not close with someone to be invited with gift info included. I think in this particular circumstance they should have left that out of her invite to make her feel included without appearing gift hungry. And then Laurie would feel that the invite was a more genuine gesture.

MC, go ahead and buy what you want to. Any gift is a lovely gesture and babies don't care where you buy their clothes. You certainly don't need to get it where the parents have registered.

 

[zoebartlett]

In reading this, I just assumed the invitation was sent so you could feel included. But yeah, telling you what to send was inappropriate. I just don't understand how people think this is okay to do? Is it possible she doesn't even know the invitation said that? Still though...

 

[momhappy]

I still think that too much thought is being put into this. The mom-to-be is expecting and may not have much to do at all with her shower plans (besides providing a list of my family, I had nothing at all to do with mine). As someone else already mentioned, all of the invitations were probably the same, so there was no delineation between those attending and out-of-town guests who were just invited to feel included. Unless there is some ill-will here, I don't know why she wouldn't get the benefit of the doubt?

 

[ame]

My nephew lives in Utah. He's a very sweet fellow, not over-endowed with ambition but doing ok. I've spent very little time with him -- only on a couple of occasions have I seen him, actually, because I see very little of my brother, so didn't get to know his kids as they grew up. Distances were too far. A couple years ago he got married & I hear his wife is just great -- my sister lives closer to them & has pal-ed around with them a fair bit.

Ok, I live in the Southeast, they're in Utah. Baby due next month -- and I get an invite to a baby shower for her -- in Salt Lake! I've never met her, remember. I barely know her husband either. Included is the address to which to send "present, money, or card."

My head seriously exploded. I mean...I just...I can't. WHY? That's not ok, regardless of who is hosting. I mean you are "supposed" to have received an invite, despite the lack of closeness simply due to family proximity but all you should receive is the invite and registry information and whom to RSVP to. Etiquette dictates that if you choose to send anything, and while you "should", you're not required, you contact the hostess and figure out where to send it IF it's not already on the registry.

Man... People need some damn etiquette lessons.

 

[iLander]

Uh-oh . . . .

We just sent out graduation invites to a few relatives that are about a 6 hour drive away, but we feel close to them. We don't expect them to drive all that way to sit on hard bleachers! Then we sent announcements to those relatives that are very far away.

Should we have only sent announcements to everyone?

I really don't understand this stuff. . .

Should I send an email saying "we don't expect you to actually show up"?

We didn't say anything about gifts or whatever, so That's a point in our favor.

 

[zoebartlett]

Most of the invitations I receive for wedding or baby showers include a slip of paper that mentions where the person or couple is registered. The info. isn't printed directly on the invitations but it's provided in the envelope. I don't see anything wrong with that. What I don't agree with is that the invitation itself that Laurie received mentioned "present, money, or card." As Thing said, we've all been to these things before and we know how it works.

 

[missy]

Uh-oh . . . .

We just sent out graduation invites to a few relatives that are about a 6 hour drive away, but we feel close to them. We don't expect them to drive all that way to sit on hard bleachers! Then we sent announcements to those relatives that are very far away.

Should we have only sent announcements to everyone?

I really don't understand this stuff. . .

Should I send an email saying "we don't expect you to actually show up"?

We didn't say anything about gifts or whatever, so That's a point in our favor.

iLander, that's fine IMO. It's the request about the gifts included in Laurie's invite that some of us think is tacky. I think an invite saying we would love you to come and be part of the celebration despite the distance is a nice thing.

momhappy- perhaps it's this type of thinking that's the problem. People don't think enough about what is proper etiquette and what is not. Heck, it's like some people aren't thinking at all.

 

[JewelFreak]

Missy, you got what I meant. It's not the invite itself that raised my eyebrows but the stuff about where to send the gift -- obviously meant for those who aren't gonna be there to bring one in person. Maybe whoever is giving the shower did the invitations (which doesn't excuse it); hard, though, to imagine the guest of honor's not having seen them before they went out. I'm not offended, not mad, not resentful. Just think that part is a little tacky. I'm sure it's lack of education -- not in a snobby sense, but like "think how you'd feel to get that from somebody you've never met who lives across the country" type of thing -- or simple lack of thought about it. She's a very nice girl from what I hear, so it's no biggy in life.

--- Laurie

 

[StacylikesSparkles]

I just went to a shower this past weekend and the registry info was right on the invite. I personally really liked this, as I don't want to have to reach out to a bunch of people to figure out what they might want/need. I don't find that tacky for a baby shower in the least bit. now, the part about where to send a gift or card...yeah, that would have annoyed me!

MC, Never in my life have I seen clothes on a registry! That's weird! I see all of the other necessities, but I never clothing. Scheesh!

 

[momhappy]

Missy, you got what I meant. It's not the invite itself that raised my eyebrows but the stuff about where to send the gift -- obviously meant for those who aren't gonna be there to bring one in person. Maybe whoever is giving the shower did the invitations (which doesn't excuse it); hard, though, to imagine the guest of honor's not having seen them before they went out. I'm not offended, not mad, not resentful. Just think that part is a little tacky. I'm sure it's lack of education -- not in a snobby sense, but like "think how you'd feel to get that from somebody you've never met who lives across the country" type of thing -- or simple lack of thought about it. She's a very nice girl from what I hear, so it's no biggy in life.

--- Laurie

Not hard to imagine at all - I took no part in my shower planning (besides providing a list of names/addresses). I never even saw a single invitation. I suppose some people are more hands-on than others, but it's entirely possible that your mom-to-be has had nothing to do with her shower planning.

 

[ame]

Most of the invitations I receive for wedding or baby showers include a slip of paper that mentions where the person or couple is registered. The info. isn't printed directly on the invitations but it's provided in the envelope. I don't see anything wrong with that. .

That's fine and not inappropriate at all. Unless the host is the bride/mother of the bride or the mother to be/grandmother to be (not ok!)

 

[distracts]

I don't remember ever getting registry info included in any invite. I was just invited to a wedding and no mention was made of where the couple is registered. On facebook however all that info is listed along with engagement photos etc. I think that is a good way to do it. It's very easy to find out where someone is registered without including it in an invite. I see though that things are done differently in different areas but I can say it is not the norm here to include registry info.

Registry info isn't included in a wedding invitation but I've always seen it included in shower invitations. I mean... the entire purpose of the shower is to get gifts, I don't see including the registry information as any more gift-grabby than having a shower in the first place. But usually it just says "So-and-so is registered at such-and-such" at the bottom in small print, or something. Probably if they'd stuck to that, it would have been less offensive... there's definitely something to be said for NOT being creative in your ways of phrasing things when it comes to invitations to gifting events.

hard, though, to imagine the guest of honor's not having seen them before they went out

I saw neither my shower nor bach party invitations before I received one in the mail. Same for many of my friends/cousins. I was asked to provide days/times I was available and a list of invitees, and I didn't know anything more until I got the invitation in the mail.

 

[JewelFreak]

Nothing's wrong with it, except that it's on an invitation to somebody whom you don't know & who you also know isn't going to bicycle cross-country to attend. That's a matter of somewhat grimy taste, which still matters to a few. Shrug, that's all.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

I just went to a shower this past weekend and the registry info was right on the invite. I personally really liked this, as I don't want to have to reach out to a bunch of people to figure out what they might want/need. I don't find that tacky for a baby shower in the least bit. now, the part about where to send a gift or card...yeah, that would have annoyed me!

MC, Never in my life have I seen clothes on a registry! That's weird! I see all of the other necessities, but I never clothing. Scheesh!

I can't even remember exactly what I registered for, except it was things like a boppy pillow (I'm not even sure if those are still around b/c my kids are in elementary school now) and a bouncy chair... but, I remember everyone gave me blankets. TONS of blankets. The funny thing is those we still use now...we use the hand knitted baby blankets because they're just big enough that I can cover my legs up when watching TV.

But, yeah, the registry has many outfits on it. They're all pricey. Then there are the baby basics (like socks) and onesies. I'm not sure what to get...I already bought a few things, but am not sure if I should get more or focus on the other giving events we have this month like teacher appreciation week - I want to give both teachers nice gift cards...