Very Sensitive- not PG topic about marriage

[Dancing Fire]

you need relief now: good vibrator and lubricant delivered to the door.

http://www.goodvibes.com/main.jhtml

ain't nothing like the REAL THING baby ...

 

[movie zombie]

you need relief now: good vibrator and lubricant delivered to the door.

http://www.goodvibes.com/main.jhtml

ain't nothing like the REAL THING baby ...

better than nothing, DF, and it might take some pressure off him to "perform".

 

[Kaleigh]

DF there are some threads you just should NOT respond to. We are immune to you by now.. If there was a thread about manly issues, do you think I would even respond?? NO way...

Your comments aren't of any help.

Carry on ladies.

 

[Laila619]

We had the full work up at the doctors to try and find out what the problem is. The doc says he is fine.

I am sure that he isnt releasing otherwise. Without grossing out the internet just let me assure you I know.

He is into his computer games and thats it. No ****. I tried for 3 months to find **** with no sign.

I have asked him before if he is gay and he says no. I am even considering asking him again and telling him that I will keep his secret. I can have a dude on the side and so can he...Its to the point that I have nearly convinced myself that he must be gay.

Ahh, that might explain it. I was even going to ask in my previous post if he was a gamer. Some of these guys get so into the games that they don't have time or energy for anything (or anyone) else. I've heard of guys sitting at the computer for days(!), not showering or sleeping, because they were so hooked on World of Warcraft or similar.

I also agree that it sounds like he is just asexual. Not gay.

 

[ihy138]

If he was promiscuous in his teens ... maybe he was sexually abused? If his own child is approaching the age when his abuse began -- maybe he is having uncomfortable feelings about sex in general. Not that he would be an abuser himself ... but he might just be unsettled & turn himself off totally to the subject to "keep safe" & keep unpleasant memories buried?

WILD GUESS ... just throwing stuff at walls to see if anything sticks!

This was my thought! Hope you find a solution soon.

 

[Dancing Fire]

DF there are some threads you just should NOT respond to. We are immune to you by now.. If there was a thread about manly issues, do you think I would even respond?? NO way...

Your comments aren't of any help.

Carry on ladies.

before you think my OYSTER comment was just B.S. ,please do some research...

 

[Matata]

Sensate focusing http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sensate_focusing is something you can try if he ever agrees to try to reestablish a sexual relationship with you. It's usually done through the guidance of a sex therapist but I think there are books out there that you can use to guide you. I think it's a good tool for couples who have lapsed sexual relationships. It reestablishes trust. It's possible that your increased need has to do with the beginning of menopause -- the body's way of signaling that childbearing years are coming to an end.

Please don't let him make you feel that you are undesirable or a failure as a woman. If he won't agree to counseling, maybe you should go to give yourself new tools and some extra strength to find a solution that you can live with.

 

[iheartscience]

It sounds like he needs to turn off the computer and stop gaming and start paying attention to you. Does he realize how big of an issue this is for you? I can't imagine him ignoring the issue if he realized it. Have you thought about going to a regular couples counselor instead of a sex therapist?

You could always see if he would agree to an open marriage if that's something you'd be okay with. Dan Savage has written a ton about "monogamish"/open relationships lately. If you would be comfortable with one and you get his okay, I don't think there's anything wrong with it.

 

[HollyS]

Indeed, you are in your sexual peak. It is hormonal, perfectly normal, and it won't last forever.

If your husband wants to 'accommodate' your increased interest, great. If he simply doesn't understand your 'needs', I wouldn't be willing to rock the boat of a perfectly good marriage because my hormones were running amok. It'll pass. (I remember it well. )

Sexual peaks peak. And a good marriage rides the crest without going under.


HOWEVER . . . if you two are very much on completely different pages about what is acceptable norms for your sexual partnership, and being honest and frank has not helped, then I would seek professional help.

 

[Hera]

Indeed, you are in your sexual peak. It is hormonal, perfectly normal, and it won't last forever.

If your husband wants to 'accommodate' your increased interest, great. If he simply doesn't understand your 'needs', I wouldn't be willing to rock the boat of a perfectly good marriage because my hormones were running amok. It'll pass. (I remember it well. )

Sexual peaks peak. And a good marriage rides the crest without going under.


HOWEVER . . . if you two are very much on completely different pages about what is acceptable norms for your sexual partnership, and being honest and frank has not helped, then I would seek professional help.

What a great post. I totally agree. If you have intimacy in other ways then I wouldn't want to rock the boat either, especially if you have intimacy in other ways like snuggling, affection etc. Personally, I think people over report their sexual lives anyways.

 

[Lady_Disdain]

Lady Disdain you may be onto something. The more research that I do about gay husbands says that he would have male **** if it were something he were conflicted about his sexuality. He also isn't anti-homosexual which is something they claim gay men do when they are in the closet with their feelings.

I would be interested in these sites.

Is being asexual something you are born feeling or is it something that can be found out later in life. He has a child, not with me. He has been very open about being very sexual when he was a teenager. He said since 18 his drive has just been dwindling.

Please give me more info about asexuality.

I am hardly an expert on the subject and there are still few good studies on asexuality as a sexual orientation (or lack of, perhaps). Until recently, it was seen as merely a dysfunction (see a pattern?) and something that should be treated.

This article is interesting, but there are some affirmations that are quite questionable: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/living-single/200912/asexuals-who-are-they-and-why-are-they-important

And this is probably the best resource on the subject: www.asexuality.org

 

[MissStepcut]

Not finding **** (gay or straight) really isn't enough evidence for me. A friend's* FH uses a separate browser, for which there is no shortcut on his desktop, to access ****. Then deletes his history every time. One time she suspected she walked in on him, popped open his laptop while he was rushing into the shower, and the jig was up (though it was normal enough straight ****). Men can be very secretive about their **** consumption and tastes.

*Uh, yeah. A friend.

 

[ksinger]

As something of a tangent, here is an article about "LowT". The fact that everyone in here is wondering whether this man has it, is indicative of just how good modern marketing campaigns are. I realize this situation is not a 45-55 year old man, and that people are looking to give helpful suggestions, but stash this away for when your man IS 45-55. This is not a clear-cut issue. Radiantquest, I suspect your situation is that there really is nothing wrong with your husband, it's just that you are on different wavelengths in this area. And sadly, it's a very important issue on which to have such wide variation. I truly wish you the best with this man that you love.

Anyway....

http://www.slate.com/articles/health_and_science/medical_examiner/2012/04/lowt_ads_is_testosterone_testing_important_.html

The article points out that they really don't even have good guidelines as to what low testosterone really is.

"If taking the quiz gave you performance anxiety, then it’s off to the doctor for something far more objective: a clinical measure of your testosterone levels. We know these peak in a man's late 20s or early 30s, and then fall at a rate of about 1 or 2 percent a year. We also know that testosterone has more on its mind than sex: It’s also important in bone density, muscle strength, fat composition, and mood. And we know that testosterone levels fluctuate during the day—maxing out around breakfast time and falling by about 30 percent to a trough after dinner.

Beyond those simple facts the shadows begin. Norms for other physiological measures, such as blood pressure, have been well characterized over the years, but testosterone levels tend to have a lot more individual variation. The standard range turns out to be somewhere between a bloodstream concentration of 300 and 1,000 ng/dl. The fact that two individuals can share the same testosterone “profile” (sex-drive, mood, energy etc.) but with a 100 percent difference in testosterone levels—one man at 400 ng/dl, the other at 800 ng/dl—shows how crude the measure can be. One might look at “free testosterone” instead, to see what tiny fraction of total testosterone is not bound to blood proteins, and therefore chemically active and free. But this is hard to gauge with precision, and therefore not recommended as a screening blood test.

Endocrine Society recommendations aside, what’s so unreasonable about following up on Abbott's kind offer: Take the quiz, and get your blood checked if needed? The answer is that the vast majority of aging males who set out on a LowT pilgrimage will end up suffering from “HighD,” where the D stands for disappointment. Because the LowT quiz is so poorly discriminating, promoting its use means there will be a lot of men with false hopes (“I have a treatable condition! That’s why I fall asleep after dinner!”) at the clinic getting their blood drawn. And the vast majority of them will go through all of that just to be told they have normal testosterone levels. They won’t be able to blame their withering golf game on their testicles.'

 

[Deia]

He is into his computer games and thats it. No ****. I tried for 3 months to find **** with no sign.

What computer games is he into? Multiplayer online ones? MMORPGs as they are called. These games are hugely time consuming and really take you in. Some people get so into them they forgot their other needs.

Not to alarm you, but on these video games you get a hell of alot of people having cyber sex, flirting, peple even have affairs this way, etc... Anyway I don't want to make any assumptions, but just saying, maybe look into that if he does play these MMORPGs.

And yea... Firefox or any other browser now have a function where you can do "incognito" browsing...ie. there will be no trace of what you have browsed. Nothing saved in history.

Everyone else has given you great advice so I will leave it at that

 

[haute_couture]

Indeed, you are in your sexual peak. It is hormonal, perfectly normal, and it won't last forever.

If your husband wants to 'accommodate' your increased interest, great. If he simply doesn't understand your 'needs', I wouldn't be willing to rock the boat of a perfectly good marriage because my hormones were running amok. It'll pass. (I remember it well. )

Sexual peaks peak. And a good marriage rides the crest without going under.


HOWEVER . . . if you two are very much on completely different pages about what is acceptable norms for your sexual partnership, and being honest and frank has not helped, then I would seek professional help.

What a great post. I totally agree. If you have intimacy in other ways then I wouldn't want to rock the boat either, especially if you have intimacy in other ways like snuggling, affection etc. Personally, I think people over report their sexual lives anyways.

It doesn't matter what other people are reporting about their sexual lives. The lack of sexual intimacy is important and relevant to RQ. For her, sexual intimacy is every bit a priority as finances, religion, etc., in her marriage.

But I do agree on seeking professional help. And having her DH turn off the computer.

 

[Cehrabehra]

I wouldn't cheat on him - that's definitely a trust issue, but you could ask him if he'd be okay with consensual extramarital sex. Unconventional by most marriages, sure - but you wouldn't be alone. I have known all sorts of relationship types over the years with people who are very happy with their arrangements. Don't go behind his back though. My husband's libido is through the roof and even a normal average amount of sex leaves him dejected. It really doesn't matter what the quantity is, it matters what the satisifaction level is. I agree about using masturbation, but it only goes so far. if I am *really not in the mood I don't mind being a muse so to speak, a non-active participating object of affection... perhaps he could help a little here or there during your own masturbation to make it a little better, get him a little involved... even if he's just holding the dildo while reading a book lol (I say that in jest but seriously - find what *works *together no matter how oddball it is. cheating is just a certain disaster compared to all of these ridiculous compromises that can be had)

But remember - it isn't you. It isn't you. It isn't you.

 

[StacylikesSparkles]

If you really talk with your spouse, he might be completely ok with you taking a lover on the side. I know that sounds crazy, but I have a friend who just isn't into sex and is completely ok with her spouse seeking the sexual stuff elsewhere while keeping him as her husband. This does actually work for some relationships. If he isn't willing to change his ways with you sexually to meet more of your needs, maybe sitting down and talking about the possibility of having a sexual friend would be a good idea. This wouldn't be having an affair, since you'll both be fully aware of the situation and it would keep your marriage in tact while allowing you to get out some of that sexual frustration. Just a thought, so hopefully you don't think I'm crazy! Again, READ Dan Savage!

 

[Haven]

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way, RQ (and others!)

I have a different kind of advice for you.

DH and I had an awesome sex life early in our relationship, and then after we bought our house together we experienced a lull, and in about a year's time we weren't really being intimate very often at all. Maybe, like you, it was six times that year. I was frustrated and I would bring it up to DH, and he was frustrated too, but it wasn't getting better.

Then we went on a little trip together, and we were both totally relaxed and happy, and we had a really open, blunt conversation about sex and what we really want. Of course I thought we already knew what each other liked, but it turned out that there was more and we just hadn't had a frank enough conversation yet to reveal it.
It turned out that we were just approaching it in the wrong way. I was making it seem like a *problem*--"Honey, I feel so disconnected," etc. When really we just needed to be totally comfortable exploring what we really like, and making time to make it happen for each other.

I am a big believer that getting away from everyday life helps kickstart things like this because the rest of the world disappears. If you can't make that happen, a frank yet fun discussion about fantasies or desires could also be a really wonderful thing.

This. Whoa nelly, this.

Even if your husband doesn't seem like he has a libido, I can *almost* guarantee he's got some type of drive to fulfill needs behind the scenes, whether it's looking at p*rn, or just a quick release in the shower. The key is finding a way to open up those floodgates with each other.

I'd say more, but...not gonna.

Yes--OPEN THE FLOODGATES. That is the perfect way to put it.

I really have been there, RQ, and I felt undesirable and desperate and as if there was something *wrong* with us. I went through all of the fears you've expressed here, and I was shocked when we realized that our problem was that we were still, after more than five years together, not quite telling each other everything. (Isn't this a revelation we'll have repeatedly throughout our lives together?)

 

[VRBeauty]

Hugs, RQ - I suspect there's a fair amount of pain mixed in with that frustration.

A couple of thoughts...

Your sudden horniness may just be the accumulation of all that pent-up desire (i.e. not related at all to menopause). Feeling more sexually driven at some times than at others is not unusual IME.

Low testosterone or some other hormonal imbalance could be contributing to your husband's lack of sex drive. Having been on a hormonal roller coaster, I know first-hand that hormones are incredibly powerful in a many ways.

It's also entirely possible that your husband's sexual energy is being diverted into other channels, including the on-line gaming. There's a reason boys are generally more into those games than girls...

Have you tried time away for the two of you? (I'd just ditto Haven, but frankly it sounds like the issues in your marriage are too deep to be solved by a quick get-away. Then again, if you haven't tried it yet...)

You need to have a really frank discussion with your husband, facilitated by a therapist if necessary. Personally I think that the "open marriage" option is potentially dangerous to your marriage, even if you both agree to it. I know that telling your husband might be what it takes to get him to take your concerns seriously, but you might want to talk it over with a counselor before going in this direction... it could go nuclear.

 

[radiantquest]

Again, thank you so much for all this information.

I started communication about it again last night. I told him that I think his many excuses are BS. I said that he can claim that stress of life makes him not want to all he wants, but added that couples in 3rd world countries with no food or clean water are still having sex knowing what it will result in. I told him that he was built, as a human, for sexual relations. He had given sooooo many excuses over the years.

For a while I thought it was me and that lasted about 2 years, but I know that isnt it. I told him that I can understand that he just plain doesnt feel like it sometimes. I said, but making excuses 95% of the time just makes me angry. He said that he was trying not to hurt my feelings.

I am fairly sure there is not an abuse issue lurking here. He is actually quite proud of his younger conquests. He likes to call himself all sorts of creative manly names...

Yes it is one of those multiplayer online games. I dont have a problem with the game or the players he is playing with. I feel like if that is what he likes than who am I to take it away. Its his hobby. After a long day I like to come home and relax with my TV shows, a book, or the internet. I have no right to say how he is allowed to relax at the end of the day. He gets about 3 hours a day and he deserves to do what he wants as far as I am concerned.

He did tell me that sometimes it hurts or is uncomfortbale. I asked where and what, but didnt really get a decent answer. He said that it doesnt happen every time, but he goes into it wondering if it will and then it makes him lose all initiative. If he has an issue he needs to discuss it with me. I know he has back issues. I told him that he cant expect me to understand him if he doesnt tell me whats going on.

Also asked about self pleasing. He said that he doesnt do it often at all. He said that he has maybe done it twice in the last year.

I am thinking of presenting the open relationship idea to him. I would much rather him know because I dont like hiding things or lying to him, but I have to say that if he isnt open to the idea I might do it anyway. If I have to try so hard to figure out our issue and he isnt trying at all I think it speaks volumes that I have tried everything I can. I am to the point that I am tired of trying to fix it if he isnt willing to at all. The person that has offered their services is someone that I am not interested in a relationship with. I have known him for more than 10 years and neither one of us wants anything more than a sexual relationship.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

He did tell me that sometimes it hurts or is uncomfortbale. I asked where and what, but didnt really get a decent answer. He said that it doesnt happen every time, but he goes into it wondering if it will and then it makes him lose all initiative. If he has an issue he needs to discuss it with me. I know he has back issues. I told him that he cant expect me to understand him if he doesnt tell me whats going on.

Have you two tried other positions? If it's his back, maybe doing it differently may prevent any backache. Or is the "hurt" located THERE, if you know what I mean? Can he take some sort of pain relief meds?

If you do have an affair and he finds out, what do you think the outcome will be? Will he be okay with this? If not, then I would think it'd make more sense to discuss having an open relationship so he won't be possibly confronted with discovering you're sleeping with someone else. But, maybe that isn't the right thing. I don't know...just a thought.

 

[HollyS]

"I wouldn't cheat on him - that's definitely a trust issue, but you could ask him if he'd be okay with consensual extramarital sex."



Really? THIS is what you consider good advice? How ridiculously selfish is that thought? "Well, I need what I need, and I'll just get it from someone else, then." Another prime example of life being all about . . . "ME"?

Maybe people need to stop creating their own vows and stick with the "forsaking all others". Just so it might give you pause, anyway.

There is a plethora of reasons why taking intimacy outside your established relationship (married or not) is the very worst thing you could ever do. I won't list them here; they should be extremely obvious.

You want good advice, OP? Get busy helping yourself over this. Yes, that IS what I mean. When you're done, go enjoy your husband and your marriage. Contentment and happiness is not dependent upon the number of orgasms you have. But if you screw up a perfectly good marriage to someone you love, just how happy will you be?

 

[Deia]

Like someone else said, I am just throwing stuff on the wall to see if it sticks, so here goes...

I saw this documentary once about some sexual oddities and this one guy had a problem where it hurt him big time whenever he ejaculates, so he had had sex like once, or never, can't remember. Perhaps that could be the problem? It would be really helpful if he could talk to you about it...I can see how frustrating this has been for you.

 

[iheartscience]

"I wouldn't cheat on him - that's definitely a trust issue, but you could ask him if he'd be okay with consensual extramarital sex."



Really? THIS is what you consider good advice? How ridiculously selfish is that thought? "Well, I need what I need, and I'll just get it from someone else, then." Another prime example of life being all about . . . "ME"?

Maybe people need to stop creating their own vows and stick with the "forsaking all others". Just so it might give you pause, anyway.

There is a plethora of reasons why taking intimacy outside your established relationship (married or not) is the very worst thing you could ever do. I won't list them here; they should be extremely obvious.

You want good advice, OP? Get busy helping yourself over this. Yes, that IS what I mean. When you're done, go enjoy your husband and your marriage. Contentment and happiness is not dependent upon the number of orgasms you have. But if you screw up a perfectly good marriage to someone you love, just how happy will you be?

Right, it's selfish of HER to want sex. It's not selfish of HIM to repeatedly deny her sex and do nothing to fix the problem. The issue is radiant's husband, NOT her.

There is no one size fits all for relationships. Many, many people have open relationships and do just fine with them. If her husband is unwilling or unable to fix this issue, radiant should do what she needs to do to stay happy and sane.

 

[iheartscience]

Another possibility I haven't seen discussed is divorce. Do you see yourself happy after 10 more years of no sex from your husband, even if you get some on the side? Obviously if you have kids it's a different story, but if you don't, what is keeping you in this marriage?

 

[Haven]

Have you tried time away for the two of you? (I'd just ditto Haven, but frankly it sounds like the issues in your marriage are too deep to be solved by a quick get-away. Then again, if you haven't tried it yet...)

I agree with you, VRB, that a quick get-away is not the answer. I probably didn't do a good job of describing what worked for us in my attempt to avoid divulging too much information about my own marriage. Certainly it wasn't as easy as going away and just having a little talk.

All I feel comfortable sharing is that after DH and I experienced a very similar situation for at least a year in our own marriage, we had a breakthrough. That breakthrough happened for us while we were away from all of the routine and stress and concerns of everyday life, and it involved having a VERY frank discussion about the sorts of things most people keep to themselves about this topic. Maybe this seems like it was an easy fix, but it wasn't. There was a lot of trust, divulging of potentially embarrassing details about ourselves, and definitely some crying going on. But for us, it worked.

During that time in our marriage I remember reading a quote that said something like, "If the sex is good, it feels like 10% of a marriage. If it's bad, it's 90%." This was exactly how I felt, and now that we're in a really good place it almost seems incomprehensible that a lack of intimacy made me feel so distraught about our relationship. But it did, because it felt like 90%.

ETA: Prior to this breakthrough, I had brought the issue up to my husband so many times, and every time it went nowhere. The conversation you describe with your DH sounds like one we had. Later, after we had our big talk, he told me that it just made him feel more pressure and more terrible things every time I brought it up because I always brought it up in an accusatory, or hurt, or stressed out manner. Which is true. It was a PROBLEM that needed fixing, and it was, but approaching it that way really just drove us further apart.

 

[amc80]

"I wouldn't cheat on him - that's definitely a trust issue, but you could ask him if he'd be okay with consensual extramarital sex."

Really? THIS is what you consider good advice? How ridiculously selfish is that thought? "Well, I need what I need, and I'll just get it from someone else, then." Another prime example of life being all about . . . "ME"?

Maybe people need to stop creating their own vows and stick with the "forsaking all others". Just so it might give you pause, anyway.

There is a plethora of reasons why taking intimacy outside your established relationship (married or not) is the very worst thing you could ever do. I won't list them here; they should be extremely obvious.

You want good advice, OP? Get busy helping yourself over this. Yes, that IS what I mean. When you're done, go enjoy your husband and your marriage. Contentment and happiness is not dependent upon the number of orgasms you have. But if you screw up a perfectly good marriage to someone you love, just how happy will you be?

Right, it's selfish of HER to want sex. It's not selfish of HIM to repeatedly deny her sex and do nothing to fix the problem. The issue is radiant's husband, NOT her.

There is no one size fits all for relationships. Many, many people have open relationships and do just fine with them. If her husband is unwilling or unable to fix this issue, radiant should do what she needs to do to stay happy and sane.

But she is the one who changed the status quo. They never had much of a sex life, and that hasn't changed. What has changed is that she now wants more. You can't marry someone for better or worse and then decide to break your vows because you changed the game.

 

[ksinger]

"Many, many people have open relationships and do just fine with them"

I doubt this. Many many people may have the open relationships, but they aren't doing quite as well as they'd have you believe. And I say that from some first-hand observational experience. NO. Not my own. But even in this ultra-conservative place, I managed for awhile to hang (NOT belong) with a very VERY open group of people, with everyone within the group open to having relations with any/everyone within that group. They were whole hog about this, not, supposedly, reluctantly agreeing, yet the broken marriages and Peyton Place type of situations was overwhelming. I remember one evening gossiping with one of the members about a recently torn relationship due to one person deciding that they were really in love with the OTHER person (not the spouse) and who happened to be of the opposite sex of the spouse (spouse wasn't taking it very well), and saying, very gently to my conversation partner, "You know, it sounds really good, but from what I've seen, it just doesn't seem to work that well in practice." He thought a moment, then said, "Well, yeah, you're right there."

I'm not being judgemental about this - I wouldn't have been friends with these people if I was - but like some here have noted, people lie about sex, and I think they present a similarly rosy yet unreal face to the world when reporting successful open relationships. They CAN work, but it takes some extremely together couple to pull it off and not have it tear them apart. It certainly wouldn't be my first choice of solutions. Not to mention that if her husband does go for it, and then decides "hey, cool, I get to do this TOO! And I find I do like this! just not with YOU", how's THAT going to work out?

Dicey.

 

[StacylikesSparkles]

"I wouldn't cheat on him - that's definitely a trust issue, but you could ask him if he'd be okay with consensual extramarital sex."



Really? THIS is what you consider good advice? How ridiculously selfish is that thought? "Well, I need what I need, and I'll just get it from someone else, then." Another prime example of life being all about . . . "ME"?

Maybe people need to stop creating their own vows and stick with the "forsaking all others". Just so it might give you pause, anyway.

There is a plethora of reasons why taking intimacy outside your established relationship (married or not) is the very worst thing you could ever do. I won't list them here; they should be extremely obvious.

You want good advice, OP? Get busy helping yourself over this. Yes, that IS what I mean. When you're done, go enjoy your husband and your marriage. Contentment and happiness is not dependent upon the number of orgasms you have. But if you screw up a perfectly good marriage to someone you love, just how happy will you be?

Right, it's selfish of HER to want sex. It's not selfish of HIM to repeatedly deny her sex and do nothing to fix the problem. The issue is radiant's husband, NOT her.

There is no one size fits all for relationships. Many, many people have open relationships and do just fine with them. If her husband is unwilling or unable to fix this issue, radiant should do what she needs to do to stay happy and sane.

Just because having an open relationship doesn't work for most, doesn't mean it won't work for some. I personally wouldn't be able to handle it, but who am I to judge what works for another couple?! The problem isn't one sided and I don't think its selfish of the OP to want to feel amazing. Intimacy brings a relationship closer together and if her husband isn't giving that and she has tried repeatedly to make a change, then discussing an open relationship is something that may work for them. Totally agree that the issue is NOT radiant AT ALL!

 

[Circe]

I have the sneaking suspicion that the people posting about how you shouldn't jeopardize a marriage - a relationship based primarily on sexual compatibility, or we would all simply "marry" our BFFs and have done with it - for something silly like sexual satisfaction are the low-libido partners in their relationships, or are lucky enough to be with people whose sexual requirements are a good match for theirs. NOT UNIVERSAL, people!

RQ, I had a similar situation in my first relationship, and it made me miserable. There, it turned out to be a situation like what Deco suggested, but that didn't actually make it any easier. I was miserable the whole time I was with him, even as I tried to convince myself that everything else in the relationship was good enough to make up for the lack of intimacy.

It wasn't. I was much happier once I left him and found people who were either more compatible off the bat, or willing to work with me (or the necessary qualified professionals, i.e. counselors, docs, etc.). Because at the end of the day? It's all about being willing to make your partner happy. If he won't even try ... for me, regardless of whether that's over sex or anything else, that lack of investment is a deal-breaker now.

Before having more painful talks, before trying anything physical that might cause more of a pullback, and before going to the can't-take-it-back extreme of introducing anybody else into your bedroom ... have you considered couples counseling? I feel like all the internet advice in the world about you isn't going to be as helpful as having somebody on hand who's trained facilitate a conversation between you.