How do you cope with bereavement?

[JanesJewels]

I skimmed over some replies, but one thing I wanted to mention is that people really don't know how to respond to death. When my mom passed, I got some flowers, I had someone with me all of the time, food, I had a wonderful friend who sent me a gift card to Zappos, and pretty much any acknowledgment of my loss was appreciated. But even though I've gone through it, I still don't know what to do or say. It's incredibly difficult to know what the person needs, so we all just do the best we can.

My aunt passed away last year, and while my dad suggested sending flowers - but I remembered that flowers just died and I hated that when I got flowers. So we sent some food instead.

And earlier this summer, my husband's colleague's wife passed away after an extended illness. He lost his mother almost 9 years ago, and he didn't know what to say to his colleague either. So I told him to just acknowledge his loss.

It's hard. You just don't know what the person experiencing the loss wants or needs. I needed company and people to make sure I ate and showered.

Some people need to talk. Some people need to cry. Some people need to get rid of everything that belonged to their loved one. But no one knows what another person needs. So everyone guesses.

Hugs. It's hard no matter what age you are, and no matter how long you had to say goodbye. You can never have too much time with a loved one.

Two things resonated here with me - that you just need your loss acknowledged, and that you can never have too much time with a loved one. Two such simple truths. It's hard when someone you know doesn't even mention the death, even when it was very recent.

 

[JanesJewels]

JJ - I'm very sorry to hear of your loss and what you're going through. It's been about two months since my mother died. I don't have answers for you - I guess you could say I'm still "in process" myself. I'm doing better than I was in the first month, when I could burst into tears at the slightest provocation. I think I'm very fortunate in that I retired late last year, so I've had the luxury of being able to cry etc when I needed to - and I did and do often just let the tears flow when they come, without a lot of regard to where I am or who I'm with. I didn't even bother to wear mascara until about two weeks ago, because I would have just messed it up at some point in the day.

I guess in some ways I'm forcing myself to accept the fact that my mother has died. For example, I'm trying to think and talk about my father's house rather than my parents' house, and to think and talk about my mother in the past tense. Both of these things feel foreign but seem necessary to me.

I've been spending a fair amount of time with my father, helping him adjust to life alone, which I think has helped me adjust. My brothers occasionally share their feelings or memories or how they're coping, which helps. I have some very empathetic friends, which helps. A family friend sent us pictures of my mother taken in the past two years - which forced me to face up to how severely the cancer that ultimately took my mother's life also diminished her life, and no doubt caused her both fatigue and a lot of pain (which she denied) - coming face to face with that helped me accept that my mother would not have wanted to live like that.

At one point I realized that I was idealizing my relationship with my mother - it was fine, but there were a lot of aspects of my life that I didn't share with her because she was a recreational worrier, or because I feared her judgement about how I was living my life and particularly about how I spend my money (which I now understand, knowing more about my parents' financial situation.) Working to recall the actual relationship rather than idealized memories has helped.

My faith - well, that's a whole story in itself that I won't share here, but ultimately it's helped. I've also written in a journal from time to time, though I'm not consistent with that. I just write when I feel I need to.

Recently I've allowed myself to do things that make me smile. I went to the State Fair last week, and ended the evening on the wave swing, a ride that lets me feel like I'm flying and that always makes me smile. Seeing a musical last night did the same thing - I love a good musical, and this one was good, and I probably smiled most of the way through it.

RIght now my memories of my mother are fuzzy, and I worry that at some point I won't remember her at all. It's comforting to read that Freke didn't remember the first few weeks after her mother's death. I think there might be some of that going on with me.

I suspect that everybody grieves in their own way and gets through it in their own way. Until very recently I was sure I would need counseling or a bereavement group or something at some point to help me get through this pain. Now I'm thinking I might make it through without professional help - but I'm not opposed to getting that kind of help if I need it.

By the way I think the disbelief is normal. One of my brothers and I accompanied my mother to her last visit with the oncologist, when she was given a prognosis of one to six months. I came away sort of thinking three months, and my mother was thinking six months. As it turned out she was gone less than a month later. In spite of knowing the end was near, even though my mother was in active hospice for the last two weeks (and I was there much of the time) there were many things left unsaid and questions left unanswered. Even those of us who were there during that time were in disbelief at how quickly (and at the same time, how slowly) it all happened.

VR Beauty, first of all let me say how very sorry I am about the loss of your mother. Two months ago - very recent. I really am so sorry. It's just awful, isn't it? I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

My faith has helped me also.

I think you are sensible to accept it by talking about your dad's house, etc. But it's just such an adjustment, isn't it?

Like your mother, mine was suffering - and her suffering was about to kick into a much higher gear - and like you, I wouldn't have wanted her to go on like that, and my mom didn't want to live on at any cost. She died just before she lost her hair and a day or so before my dad ordered a wheelchair for her. She was having increasing difficulty getting up the stairs and only just made it on her last night, but the day she died she was dressed, make-up on and hair done as usual, in the yard entertaining some of her oldest friends. I'm glad for her that she didn't have a lengthy hospital stay before she died, but by God we all got a shock when she died that night, having seemed pretty normal all day. When my dad phoned the friend that Mom had been with all her last day to say Mom had died, the friend nearly passed out.

What was your mom like? What was her story? I'd love to hear more about her, if you feel comfortable sharing

 

[Sky56]

Wow, JanesJewels! I had a ton of those things happen the first 9 months after her death, down to the coincidence of seeing a random skywriting plane write a message over our funeral procession following Mom's hearse on the way to the cemetary. The plane wrote, "(My brother's first name) I Love You" in Italian of all things. My mother loved Italy and went many times. We enter the cemetary and the very first thing I see is the cutest bunny rabbit "happily" jumping around, like out of a kid's cartoon show. Coincidences such as this kept on happening. Yes, I was in an altered state from the grief...but it seemed there was more happening than meets the eye.

I am a very sober, quiet, scientific kind of person who has always been bored by stories of ghosts and spirits. I'm religious - but I digress...I never felt 'spirits' or 'messages from the dead' until the death of my mother.

One day, 4 months after her death, I was alone in my house with my dog. Plain and quite loud, I heard a voice, "(My First Name) - I love you!" My dog's pointy ears immediately stood up at attention, her eyes sharp with alertness. Lots more happened later...and at about the 9 month point, coincidences, signs, dreams, voices, etc. disappeared. Mom was truly gone...but left in it's place was that deep love in me always that I earlier mentioned, like she lives inside of me... and I also see her in my father.

About a year after her death, my Dad had surgery, and the night before, he said he saw her at the foot of his bed, silent, loving and reassuring. Now here is a man who never once was someone who talked of things like that. I strongly feel she lives inside of him. When he passes on, I don't know what to expect at all. Of course, I expect to be grieving, but I have a feeling the 2 of them will live on in their way. They had an unusually strong and vibrant love story and were married almost 50 years. Dad is very elderly now.

I also send warm condolences to you!

 

[JanesJewels]

JanesJewels, I am so sorry about your mother. Losing one's mother is a profound loss and while time will allow you to remember her with more happiness than tears you will always miss her.

People deal with their grief differently. There is no right or wrong way. You need to allow yourself to feel as sad and as angry as you feel. Some talk about how they are feeling while others are more introspective. It's what works for you. I always communicate my feelings of sadness and pain because for me that lessens the weight of grief I am carrying around. Not everyone does this though and it comes down to what brings you to a more healing place of being able to remember your mom with less tears of sadness and more tears of happiness. Of the love and life you shared. Of the cherished memories and shared experiences and the time you spent together.

In 1992 I lost my beloved grandmother and it was all of a sudden. She was healthy one minute and gone the next. It was an extreme shock to our family. My mother became very ill and took a very long time (and never fully recovered her health unfortunately) to regain much of her health back. Over a decade in fact. She lost her hair, developed auto immune conditions and was literally sick with grief.

I remember that time like it was just a few years ago and not 22 years ago. It was surreal. I denied to myself my grandmother was gone as did my mom. We could not believe it. And I cannot believe how much time has passed and how much our life has changed. She never got to meet her great grandchildren, she never met her granddaughters dh's and she never got to really grow old. Life is unfair and my grief was intense when my grandmother died. She was not just my grandmother. She was one of my closest friends. Not a mean bone in her body and everyone who met her loved her. She was that kind of person. Warm, generous, loving and she raised a wonderful family. I miss her every single day.


The fact that she died suddenly made it worse for all of us because we did not get to say goodbye. We did not have the opportunity to tell her how much we loved her and how much she meant to us. Sure she knew some of that but it haunts me because did she know the extent of our love for her? I was in my twenties and single and led a happy young life full of suitors and such. I did not get to spend as much time with my grandmother as I wish I had looking back knowing what I know. But that is the way life works and we don't have a crystal ball. But remember the joy and love you shared and how she lived her life and enjoyed her friends and family.

Forgive me for going into my personal story but I feel it helps when you know others have gone through similar experiences though no one has gone through your exact circumstances and everyone deals with losing a loved one differently. Most importantly IMO is you need to be able to let yourself feel whatever it is you are feeling and if you are unsure that is OK too. It takes a long time for all your feelings about something as complex as death of a loved one especially a mother to make itself known to you. Sometimes you just don't know how you are feeling but allow yourself to go with it and be kind(er) to yourself at this horribly traumatic time. With time the pain and sadness will ease but the ache will always be there. However the good feelings will outweigh the sad ones with time hopefully and you can remember her with more happiness than sadness.

My heart goes out to you and I am keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. Please allow yourself the luxury of feeling your feelings and taking all the time you need to grieve. Come to PS and cry and vent and remember if it helps you. I know it helps me and many others though as I wrote everyone deals with grief so differently. There is no right way for all.

Just take the time you need and be good to yourself. Sending you hugs and condolences. Allow your friends and family's love to help you through this challenging and difficult time. Lean on others. It will help. And know that you can never lose the love you shared with your mom. It is forever a part of who you are.

Missy, thank you so much for your message and I'm so, so sorry about your much-loved grandma. Your poor mother, too - it sounds as if she never quite got over it. How is she doing now? I like to hear your stories, so don't apologize! When I said before about people not wanting to hear about Mom, I meant people close to me who are friends. I was very surprised that those people wouldn't let me talk in the immediate weeks after the death. But I like to hear people's stories here. Thank you for sharing. It sounds as if your grandma was a very special person. I'd love to hear more about her xxxx

 

[JanesJewels]

Hey, JJ, it's a tough time. I'm so sorry you have to go through it. Nothing teaches us how or prepares us.

Freke is right -- it never completely goes away. "Closure" is a stupid word invented by reporters. As if you can shut a door & leave grief outside. Don't we wish.

At first you just have to put one foot in front of the other, go day to day because you don't have a choice. Some moments you're surprised that you feel okay; you might get through this after all. 20 minutes later you're bathed in tears & pain. There is no schedule. It's different for everyone -- I found I came to believe it slowly in my heart as well as my brain. I think you're numbed at first, maybe a protective thing. When that begins wearing off, it brings searing anguish, after spells of which I felt too exhausted to think about it anymore for a short time. Honey, it's a struggle, period.

Our Puritan background often makes us feel guilty to mourn, as if we're indulging in self-pity. Bunk. What better memorial would you ask than that others would be agonized at the void you leave? People love you and miss you -- that's the BEST gift anyone can give another. So when you want to bawl, go ahead! Personally, I've been sure the one I lost is there, patting me on the back & wishing they could help.

But be encouraged -- it does get better with time. It becomes a scab, then a scar that twinges only when the wind is from a certain direction.

Here's comfort from the Jewish religion: they think about the good things the loved one did, or wanted to do & didn't have time. Then they try to do those things for him or her. It's a connection, like love, which is absolutely indestructable, forever.

Best to you & sparkly dust to give you light in the dark.

--- Laurie

JewelFreak, thank you so much for your message. I look forward to the say when the scab is old. The swings that you describe are very much how I feel. Like you, I have felt my loved one's presence, quite strongly at times. Then I think to myself, it's probably just wishful thinking. I like the idea from the Jewish religion about doing things they wanted to do. Perhaps I'll have a think about that.

 

[JanesJewels]

Kathley - I really hope that these messages about coping with grief might help you, too. I'm thinking of you.

I thought about you last night, and the first thing I did this morning was to read these posts. They are helping, and it is comforting to know that what I am feeling is "normal". Thank you for posting this topic, I know it was difficult. I hope the posts are helping you too. Many hugs!!!

Thanks, Kathley. How are you doing now?

 

[JanesJewels]

JanesJewels, you were in my thoughts last night and this morning. Actually reading everyone's stories brought tears, smiles and encouragement to me as well. We all are going through this and know its tough and we just take it one day at a time.

Someone already touched on this as well but I was going to add try not to get caught up in the shoulda coulda woulda thoughts. Those really tear at your heart and soul.

Hugs to all of you.

Thanks, Marcy. You're so sweet.

Ah...the woulda coulda shoulda. My mom and I lived on opposite coasts but were very close. I spent 14 weeks with her over the course of last year, but when she died I hadn't seen her for three months as she was traveling. But in March she stopped and I knew she was getting worse and worse, but I still thought she had more time. I was going to see her April 30, then on Friday April 4 the doc said to get there the following week, so I changed my flight to Tuesday April 8. I was on the phone to her on Friday 4th, and she was so normal. I told her I'd be there on the Tuesday and thought about saying "Don't go anywhere till I get there!" as a joke but thought better of it, and that was the last time we spoke because she died that night. Well, she was taken ill at 5am Sat morning and died at lunchtime - on the bottom floor of the hospital where she gave birth to me on the top floor, almost forty years ago. When I think back to saying goodbye to her on a cold, windy morning at the bus stop December 31 2013, I can hardly believe that that would turn out to be the last time I ever saw her, and I had no idea.

In March I had three big work projects and a stomach bug, but she grew steadily worse in March and how I wish I had gone to see her then. I knew that she was swelling up but I still thought the treatment would work, which it didn't.

Weirdly, in the last week she started telling me more. She said her right arm didn't work any more, and she had noticed there was a gravelly sound to her voice. I had noticed it too on the phone,and now I know it was a death rattle and that it's possible to have that while still walking around. I thought it only happened on a death bed. And now I know that she had stopped drinking in her final week, another end-of-life sign, but I didn't know. Yes, I wish I had gone earlier, and I can't believe I hadn't seen her for three months when she died. It was so quick - in February she was booking a fly cruise to Africa!

I'll never forget the phone ringing in the night here, with my dad absolutely hysterical on the other end saying Mom was in hospital with two hours to live. I had been having a perfectly normal conversation with her at 7pm that night! Apparently my dad had found her on the edge of the bed at 5am completely disoriented and unable to walk to the bathroom, so he called 911 and at the hospital they said she was totally dehydrated. It was thought that they would rehydrate her and she'd go home. But then they said her liver and kidneys weren't responding, and that was it. Apparently she lost consciousness about an hour before. My sister drove down as fast as possible from her home three hours away but Mom was unresponsive by the time she got there. Apparently they sat with her for a while after, and when they left my dad kissed her and said, "54 years, sweetheart. Goodbye" and then walked out.

At the funeral, the family walked out first, with my dad leading. He turned, faced the coffin, and I thought he was going to bow his head or something, but he just stood military-straight and absolutely still in front of it for a second, then turned and left. I'll never forget that silent tribute and final goodbye from one spouse to another.

I'm sorry - I don't have many people in my life who want to hear any of this. My dad, sister an husband are the only ones who I can really talk to. I won't be offended if no one read or comments - it's just nice to let it all out.

 

[JanesJewels]

It takes time and anything you can do to help during that time-do it. Therapy, anti-depressants, shopping, crying. Give yourself a year - 2 years! off from trying to keep all your ducks in a row.
You said it just right - the world is weird after a loss. You will not be the same person, but you will recover to be able to function better and better as time goes on.

Hospice has grief groups - for me it helped to hear stories of others' loss...some of the stories were horrific and while it didn't lessen my grief I was amazed at how some people survive those kinds of losses - and also that we are all in this together.
Best to you, and hugs.

Jimmianne - thank you for your message. It helps. I thought about grief groups but didn't feel ready to face them. I'm glad you said about two years, because that lessens the pressure to feel normal again. It's comforting to hear that you too thought the world felt very weird afterwards, and that it's not just me!

 

[Kaleigh]

Many of of are reading and care. You always can share here... Big big hugs. So tough. Sending you gentle hugs..

 

[JanesJewels]

Jane,
I am so sorry for your loss. It's so hard, and I don't think there is a one size fits all recipe for coping. How are you doing today??
I know when I lost my brother, I ran away from the grief having two little ones and working. That was not healthy. I took care of my Grandparents for many many years. Lost Grandfather to cancer, but again had to step it up and look after my grandmother.

When she died on Mother's day 8 years ago. I felt like part of me died. I went to see a grief counselor. I didn't want to make the mistake of running away from feelings and being busy. Kids were older and ok for me to take what ever I needed to sort out my feelings of pain sadness and with that came all the other deaths I hadn't dealt with. It was hard. And I hate crying. But cry I did. If you hold it all in it's not good. The grief counselor was awesome. She got me through my loss and am very happy I did the work of working through it.

I can't say the pain goes away. This is all very recent and new to you. Be kind to yourself. Give yourself the gift of saying I am sad. I am hurting.

Big hugs. Hope this helps...

Thanks, Kaleigh. I am so very sorry that you lost your brother and your grandparents. I guess grandparents lived out something close to a normal lifespan - not that that matters in terms of your grief. But to lose a brother - I'm guessing he was fairly young to die? I am so, so sorry for all your losses but particularly for your brother.

 

[JanesJewels]

Hi Jane, I don't post too often, but I felt compelled to respond to your post. First, let me say I am so sorry for the loss of your mother. I don't think there is anything that quite compares with losing the person who brought you into the world.

Grief....I think I could write a book on this. My mother passed away in December 2010. Then, in December 2012, my partner of 17 years took her life. And this past March, my precious daddy joined my mother. So here I am, a widow and an orphan.

As others have said, everyone grieves differently. For me, with my mom, the first few months I barely remember. I do remember having mundane conversations, and thinking in my head "don't you know my mother is dead?!!!!" It took several months, maybe 3 or 4, before I was really able to concentrate on anything else for very long. Gradually, there was a shift in how I thought about my mother. Now, three years later, she is an undercurrent in my life. Ever present.

Here's what I know:

There is no timetable for grieving.

Feel the feelings. If you don't now, you will later.

Grief is like the tide, it ebbs and flows.

You never "get over" it. Things change. Things are different. Your world is not the same. Doesn't mean it won't be good again, it just won't be the same. (and I SO agree with Laurie, "closure" is stupid. Doesn't exist).

Guilt is normal.

Grieving is a process. Give in to the process, don't fight against it.

Talk. And talk. And talk some more. To anyone who will listen.

You still have a relationship with the person who has died. The relationship has a new form now, so redefine it if you can. But just because they are no longer physically present doesn't mean that the relationship with them has ended. How in the world could it?!

I guess that's all of my sage advice for now (lol). All my best to you, and to everyone else who is missing someone they love.

Okie girl....there are just no words. I am so, so, sorry for all of your losses. That is really tough. I am impressed by your strength. And your dad died very recently, too! It's a different kind of loss when it's the second parent, too, I imagine. I am just so sorry to hear your story. How are you coping?

I am also very sorry to hear of your partner's suicide.

Thank you so much for your advice, and for posting your experiences xxxxx

 

[missy]

JanesJewels, I am so sorry about your mother. Losing one's mother is a profound loss and while time will allow you to remember her with more happiness than tears you will always miss her.

People deal with their grief differently. There is no right or wrong way. You need to allow yourself to feel as sad and as angry as you feel. Some talk about how they are feeling while others are more introspective. It's what works for you. I always communicate my feelings of sadness and pain because for me that lessens the weight of grief I am carrying around. Not everyone does this though and it comes down to what brings you to a more healing place of being able to remember your mom with less tears of sadness and more tears of happiness. Of the love and life you shared. Of the cherished memories and shared experiences and the time you spent together.

In 1992 I lost my beloved grandmother and it was all of a sudden. She was healthy one minute and gone the next. It was an extreme shock to our family. My mother became very ill and took a very long time (and never fully recovered her health unfortunately) to regain much of her health back. Over a decade in fact. She lost her hair, developed auto immune conditions and was literally sick with grief.

I remember that time like it was just a few years ago and not 22 years ago. It was surreal. I denied to myself my grandmother was gone as did my mom. We could not believe it. And I cannot believe how much time has passed and how much our life has changed. She never got to meet her great grandchildren, she never met her granddaughters dh's and she never got to really grow old. Life is unfair and my grief was intense when my grandmother died. She was not just my grandmother. She was one of my closest friends. Not a mean bone in her body and everyone who met her loved her. She was that kind of person. Warm, generous, loving and she raised a wonderful family. I miss her every single day.


The fact that she died suddenly made it worse for all of us because we did not get to say goodbye. We did not have the opportunity to tell her how much we loved her and how much she meant to us. Sure she knew some of that but it haunts me because did she know the extent of our love for her? I was in my twenties and single and led a happy young life full of suitors and such. I did not get to spend as much time with my grandmother as I wish I had looking back knowing what I know. But that is the way life works and we don't have a crystal ball. But remember the joy and love you shared and how she lived her life and enjoyed her friends and family.

Forgive me for going into my personal story but I feel it helps when you know others have gone through similar experiences though no one has gone through your exact circumstances and everyone deals with losing a loved one differently. Most importantly IMO is you need to be able to let yourself feel whatever it is you are feeling and if you are unsure that is OK too. It takes a long time for all your feelings about something as complex as death of a loved one especially a mother to make itself known to you. Sometimes you just don't know how you are feeling but allow yourself to go with it and be kind(er) to yourself at this horribly traumatic time. With time the pain and sadness will ease but the ache will always be there. However the good feelings will outweigh the sad ones with time hopefully and you can remember her with more happiness than sadness.

My heart goes out to you and I am keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. Please allow yourself the luxury of feeling your feelings and taking all the time you need to grieve. Come to PS and cry and vent and remember if it helps you. I know it helps me and many others though as I wrote everyone deals with grief so differently. There is no right way for all.

Just take the time you need and be good to yourself. Sending you hugs and condolences. Allow your friends and family's love to help you through this challenging and difficult time. Lean on others. It will help. And know that you can never lose the love you shared with your mom. It is forever a part of who you are.

Missy, thank you so much for your message and I'm so, so sorry about your much-loved grandma. Your poor mother, too - it sounds as if she never quite got over it. How is she doing now? I like to hear your stories, so don't apologize! When I said before about people not wanting to hear about Mom, I meant people close to me who are friends. I was very surprised that those people wouldn't let me talk in the immediate weeks after the death. But I like to hear people's stories here. Thank you for sharing. It sounds as if your grandma was a very special person. I'd love to hear more about her xxxx

My mom has recovered for the most part though she carries some autoimmune conditions to this day but her hair is back and we can talk and laugh about my grandmother now without crying (for the most part) and we remember her with more happiness than sadness. And that is a lot coming from where we were. Time does help but of course it doesn't cure the ache and emptiness of missing our mother/grandmother.

JanesJewels, you were in my thoughts last night and this morning. Actually reading everyone's stories brought tears, smiles and encouragement to me as well. We all are going through this and know its tough and we just take it one day at a time.

Someone already touched on this as well but I was going to add try not to get caught up in the shoulda coulda woulda thoughts. Those really tear at your heart and soul.

Hugs to all of you.

Thanks, Marcy. You're so sweet.

Ah...the woulda coulda shoulda. My mom and I lived on opposite coasts but were very close. I spent 14 weeks with her over the course of last year, but when she died I hadn't seen her for three months as she was traveling. But in March she stopped and I knew she was getting worse and worse, but I still thought she had more time. I was going to see her April 30, then on Friday April 4 the doc said to get there the following week, so I changed my flight to Tuesday April 8. I was on the phone to her on Friday 4th, and she was so normal. I told her I'd be there on the Tuesday and thought about saying "Don't go anywhere till I get there!" as a joke but thought better of it, and that was the last time we spoke because she died that night. Well, she was taken ill at 5am Sat morning and died at lunchtime - on the bottom floor of the hospital where she gave birth to me on the top floor, almost forty years ago. When I think back to saying goodbye to her on a cold, windy morning at the bus stop December 31 2013, I can hardly believe that that would turn out to be the last time I ever saw her, and I had no idea.

In March I had three big work projects and a stomach bug, but she grew steadily worse in March and how I wish I had gone to see her then. I knew that she was swelling up but I still thought the treatment would work, which it didn't.

Weirdly, in the last week she started telling me more. She said her right arm didn't work any more, and she had noticed there was a gravelly sound to her voice. I had noticed it too on the phone,and now I know it was a death rattle and that it's possible to have that while still walking around. I thought it only happened on a death bed. And now I know that she had stopped drinking in her final week, another end-of-life sign, but I didn't know. Yes, I wish I had gone earlier, and I can't believe I hadn't seen her for three months when she died. It was so quick - in February she was booking a fly cruise to Africa!

I'll never forget the phone ringing in the night here, with my dad absolutely hysterical on the other end saying Mom was in hospital with two hours to live. I had been having a perfectly normal conversation with her at 7pm that night! Apparently my dad had found her on the edge of the bed at 5am completely disoriented and unable to walk to the bathroom, so he called 911 and at the hospital they said she was totally dehydrated. It was thought that they would rehydrate her and she'd go home. But then they said her liver and kidneys weren't responding, and that was it. Apparently she lost consciousness about an hour before. My sister drove down as fast as possible from her home three hours away but Mom was unresponsive by the time she got there. Apparently they sat with her for a while after, and when they left my dad kissed her and said, "54 years, sweetheart. Goodbye" and then walked out.

At the funeral, the family walked out first, with my dad leading. He turned, faced the coffin, and I thought he was going to bow his head or something, but he just stood military-straight and absolutely still in front of it for a second, then turned and left. I'll never forget that silent tribute and final goodbye from one spouse to another.

I'm sorry - I don't have many people in my life who want to hear any of this. My dad, sister an husband are the only ones who I can really talk to. I won't be offended if no one read or comments - it's just nice to let it all out.

Oh Jane, my heart goes out to you. Even though everyone has their own unique experience I do understand much of how you are feeling. The shock of it all. You were talking to her and then a short while later she was gone. I understand the regret you are feeling that you didn't get to say goodbye in person. But you couldn't have known. We don't have crystal balls. And more importantly, most importantly, your mom knew you loved her and she loved you. You were there for her and she knew that.

I hear the grief you are feeling and my heart aches for you. This is a heartbreaking journey no one can take from you. One you might be able to make more bearable by sharing with others but painful nonetheless. Know you did all you could and that your mom knew that and that your love for her will endure. As I wrote before she will always live on in your heart and she will always be with you. With time the pain will be less breathtakingly sharp and you will be able to remember her with more happiness than painful sadness.

I wish I could do something to ease your pain. All I can do is offer my ear and my support and my understanding. Writing about my feelings, my fears and my pain always helps me cope with traumatic and tragic events. I hope you can find some solace in sharing your feelings here and in whatever other ways you can. (((Hugs))) and love to you from me.

 

[JanesJewels]

Everyone copes differently.

The loss of any family member, but especially a parent, spouse or child . . . is devastating. You are still in the very beginning of your grief, and the loss is still brand new and raw. That will diminish over time; how long is a very individual thing.

I didn't read every post here, so I don't know if I'm repeating anyone or speaking without being fully informed: Do you have a faith in a particular religion? Seeking help from someone, apart from your family, with whom you can speak freely, may help a great deal. Or a professional therapist without religious affiliation can give you direction and copy mechanisms.

I'm very sorry that you are dealing with this. Having lost my own mother (she was 6, I know the depths of loss that you feel. If you won't mind, I will be praying for you. God bless.

Thank you so much for your message, Holly. I found it very supportive.

I had a weak faith before, but it has strengthened since all this happened.I suddenly saw how many times my mom's life had been endangered and how many times we were spared, until I was grown up, and how many side effects most people have from Mom's illness that she didn't have. That she spent her last day in the yard laughing with her friends, and that the day after she died, a grief counselor turned up at our house out of the blue. An old friend came round who didn't know she'd died, the day after, and brought a friend who just happened to be a bereavement counselor.

Let's just say that I started seeing the hand of God in my life where I hadn't noticed it before.

 

[JanesJewels]

Janes, I'm so sorry. I know nothing I can say will ease your pain of loss, but if I was there I'd just sit with you and let you talk. and I'd give you a hug.

Thank you so much, Andelain. That's very sweet of you. xxx

 

[JanesJewels]

I have experienced a long bereavement. My exbf is still alive, but I cannot be in a relationship with him; rather, I've lost him to illness.

We broke up eight years ago. I have only accepted my loss about 3 years ago (talk about rose colored lenses.)

Recently, he relapsed and last week was very difficult for me, I experienced a lot of emotions as his state became critical. While I shared the details of the story with some friends and family, it was difficult for me to open up and tell them how I FELT about it. ([Un]Surprisingly few people asked how I was doing. A reminder for me to be kinder, and to be a good listener.) Finally, I reached out to my current boyfriend: I told him how I felt, but I somewhat downplayed the depth of my emotions for his benefit... and he called BS on me!

He told my what I was saying about how I felt didn't make sense. I thought he was being dense on purpose; he had to understand how I felt, himself no stranger to loss. Once I owned up to my feelings and explained them, he did understand. I had a good cry over everything, and then I was calm. The desire to talk about it to other people all disappeared, and it confirmed for me I was (still) in the final stage of grief, acceptance.

TL;DR: Grief can take a long time, months or years sometimes, it depends. Acceptance just happens when it happens.

JanesJewels, I did read all your posts, as well as most of the posts in this thread. Sending you good thoughts.

JulieN, I am so very sorry about your ex-partner's diagnosis. That sounds horribly tough. I can only imagine. How very sad for an illness to part you. But illness can change people's personalities drastically, I know that. I am so glad you have a supportive new boyfriend in your life. He sounds great, by the way!

How interesting that surprisingly few people have asked how you're doing. I've heard quite a few people say that the folks who were there for them at times like these are not necessarily the ones they would have imagined.

I think your statement that acceptance is something that happens when it happens is very wise. I think sometimes there's an expectation that X will have reached acceptance by one year, or two years. etc. It's very liberating to be told "It happens when it happens." Thanks for that. xxxxx

 

[JanesJewels]

Jane, I'm so sorry for your loss.

I lost my father when I was 23. It was a very sudden unexpected loss, and honestly, it took me fully 10 years to "get over" it. It took that long to be "okay" with it, accept it, and be able to remember without unbearable grief. He was 52 when he died. When I was 36, I lost my mom to cancer. It wasn't long and drawn out, but of course it was more expected. I don't think you ever really get over losing your mother, because it is such a special relationship. I had to accept the facts in a short period of time, but ever afterward, I felt almost jealous of people who still had their moms around them for longer than I had. I still have pangs after 16 years, but the experience was in some way easier than losing someone suddenly. My next loss was 4 years ago when my brother died at age 53. It was another sudden loss, as he had told me his cancer was in remission. I don't know exactly what happened to this day. It has been another hard loss because there was no saying goodbye. I got to say goodbye (in a sense) to my mother at least. Not to my dad or my brother. I don't know. I don't know if hearing this is helpful to you at all. I just know that having these losses made me feel so different from everyone else. But I guess there are many people out there like us, who have had sudden losses and feel out of place with the rest of the world. Take care. Do what you need to do.

Oh Lyra, you were so young to lose your father. I am so very, very sorry. I am not surprised it took you 10 years to get over it - especially with it being so sudden, and probably none of your friends could relate as they probably mainly still had their fathers, I imagine.

And then your mother at 36! Oh, that is terrible. So young to lose both parents. My heart goes out to you, it really does. xxxx

And then when I got to the part about losing your brother too....Oh, I am just so sorry for your multiple losses. I so wish there was something I could do.

You talk about feeling out of place and different from everyone else because of your losses....well, I was reading about bereavement and one author felt that the world is divided between people who have lost someone and people who haven't. That people who haven't lost can never understand until they have a loss themselves. So that person definitely feels something similar to you - ie different from others who haven't had a loss.

I feel it too, sometimes. My best friend has two healthy parents, grandparents still alive, and has also never had a loss in her extended family, and no loss of friends, and no illnesses either, whereas I was only 24 when my mother first became ill. I have lost ten people in the last ten years - three family and the rest friends, and other family troubles like divorce, depression, alcoholism, cancer, and job loss - all of these in the extended family. In comparison, my friend has had none of these sadnesses (she has a tiny family compared to mine) and I do feel that she and I are living in different worlds these days.

Again, I am so sorry for your multiple losses.

 

[JanesJewels]

My husband has coped surprisingly well with the loss of his father just over a year ago. It's been tough, but keeping busy and engaging in some "healthy" grieving (like crying every once in a while, sharing fond memories or his dad, etc.) has helped the process I think. The one thing that sets him back is when he has to talk on the phone to another family member who is not coping with the loss very well. This person is depressed, got fired from their job, and only seems to want to talk about the loss in every, single phone conversation. It doesn't seem like healthy grieving/coping to me and I wish that she would get professional help.

Momhappy, thanks so much for responding. I appreciate it.

Your relative that you mention above - perhaps your husband is the only person she can talk to who knew the deceased well, and a year isn't so long. Many people say the first year is the hardest, with all the "firsts" - holiday, anniversaries, etc. Give it time and perhaps she'll improve in the second year.

 

[kathley]

Kathley - I really hope that these messages about coping with grief might help you, too. I'm thinking of you.

I thought about you last night, and the first thing I did this morning was to read these posts. They are helping, and it is comforting to know that what I am feeling is "normal". Thank you for posting this topic, I know it was difficult. I hope the posts are helping you too. Many hugs!!!

Thanks, Kathley. How are you doing now?

In the midst of all of your pain, thank you for asking me how I am doing! Most likely, similar to how you are feeling. I had no mother when I was growing up. Dad was always there, every single time. Always supportive. His very last words he said to me was "you be strong!" And he said it with strength and conviction. Those words are difficult for me to live by right now; but I am trying. I try for my daughter and husband. But when I am alone, that is when grief hits hardest. Dad's birthday is Monday and it will be a tough day. I hope you are feeling some sense of comfort reading the supportive posts here. I know I am. Many hugs to you and to those who have/are suffering loss!

 

[JanesJewels]

So very sorry for your loss.

When my father passed away not too long ago my sister and I found letters that he had wriiten to my mother immediately after her death in 2007 till just a few weeks before his death. My sister and I treasure these letters so much that we made them into a book for her and me and our kids. He wrote about anything and everything, being mad at her for leaving him, telling her about the little things he found of hers that made him smile, the smells that reminded him of special times from the past. He wrote about us and the grandkids and the little things that most people would forget ir never think of. This touched us so much that my sister and I began writing letters to our mom and dad. This has greatly helped us deal with our loss because in some way we feel that we are still in touch with them.

Soocool, I'm really sorry about the losses of your parents. I don't even want to think about the inevitable loss of my dad. My sincere condolences to you.

What an amazing story about the letters - thank you so, so much for sharing that. I might do the same, but I wonder if having nowhere to post them to might make me sad. But anyway, it's a wonderful and romantic story. I did write a letter to my mother to put in her coffin, saying things I'd never said before. I really like the letter-writing idea. How wonderful that he wrote to her, and that you found those letters afterward. They must have been a great comfort to you. xxxxx

 

[Tekate]

I was 13 and my grandmother died unexpectedly, suddenly.. I existed and have a hole where she was in my heart, nothing has ever healed it, changed it or made it better, I just accepted it and always try to only remember how she loved me

many years later my mom died when I was 47.. screeching, halting, pain.. cancer.. same sort of thing.. we were told 'oh months to go' after she has hospice come for one day, she didn't like hospice and died that night.. feisty Irish woman! that became a huge, utterly void of depression and pain.. my sons really helped me out of it, I had my kids and I could sit around and cry or be their mom and live my life as my mother WANTED me to do.. to be the woman my mother thought I was.. now.. 48 to 14 years later I still cannot think of my grandmother or my mom without welling up... but I live to honor them.

I wondered how other people have coped.

Thank you in advance.

 

[JanesJewels]

Jane I wish she hadn't had to go...if I could I would go there and bring her right back to you.

My Mom went from stage 4 cancer 6 years ago. It took her in 8 weeks. Once she was palliative, 3 weeks.

The grief will stop when I die. Some days are better. Some days I'm right back at the beginning. My grief became physical. I got hives on day two all over my body. Acid reflux came, and I am prematurely menopausal - I believe due to grief. I am sensitive and it is difficult for me to just "get over it". That takes on physical forms.

Often I feel that I am ready for her to come back from wherever she went. The emotional part of my brain doesn't understand that she isn't coming back. I felt like that 2 days after she died. You can come back now Mom.

Often I feel 5 years old when it comes to the grief. I just want to start hollering "you bring back my Mom right now!" Some days I can't take it once more minute. Those are the bad days.

You have good days though. Sometimes many good days in a row. Weeks even. Month or two if you are lucky. You figure out the meaning of your life pretty quickly. It's about love for me. The minutes are what matters. Love in this minute. You just never know if you have the next minute, hour or day. I reach out and grab onto those I love and hug, hug, hug.

Sometimes I can feel her. Physically it is like she passed through me. It makes me catch my breath and look around. Mothers are so amazing, maybe they can visit their child that way from wherever they have gone. Maybe it is me imagining it. It is so real...

The beginning is the hardest.

Death is so strange.

I'm sorry she had to go Jane.

Begonia, what an amazing message. Thank you so, so much. I will re-read it many times.

I have felt much of what you describe, so you are not alone in that. After three months I was like, "OK, universe, that's very funny. You've hidden my mom. Thank you, you can bring her back now. This isn't funny any more. It's gone on long enough, and I'd like her back now, please."

Thanks for saying the grief will stop when you die. I feel the same way, and it's very liberating to be told that, actually, you don't HAVE to "get over it." That's it's OK to continue loving and missing the person for the rest of your life.

And yes, death is so strange. I feel that, too. One minute someone is three-dimensional and walking around, and the next....nothing. It's hard to believe that my mom is just a few ashes now, when I remember so vividly what it felt like to hold her.

It does sort out the meaning of life pretty quickly. Family is more important to me than before - not that it wasn't before, but now I am super-grateful for them. I used to feel that friends and family were on a par, and now family is more important to me.

Like you, I have felt my mom's presence.

Thank you again for your lovely message.

 

[JanesJewels]

HUGS to you Jane... And also to all the wonderful, brave, strong & supportive PS ladies that have commented.

I cope one day at a time. I miss my brother all the time. He was always my bestest buddy, the one that understood me best. I took it very hard after the initial shock wore off.

In the months before I lost him, he was always trying to get me to spend more time enjoying life and less time working and worrying. It took a few years, but I finally feel like I'm doing something he would approve of and something which is very good for me. I feel like he would be happy with the decisions I've made in the past year or so and that brings me some comfort.

I will be thinking of you Jane, hoping you find solace. xo

Alexah, thank you for sharing. I am so, so sorry about your brother. He sounds like a wonderful, fun person. It's lovely that you have taken his advice to heart. If he can see, if there is an afterlife, imagine how happy that would make him. I am so glad there is comfort in that. I am going to think of ways I can do something similar - the things my mom would also have wanted.

Again, I'm very sorry about your brother. Hugs xxx

 

[JanesJewels]

Wow, JanesJewels! I had a ton of those things happen the first 9 months after her death, down to the coincidence of seeing a random skywriting plane write a message over our funeral procession following Mom's hearse on the way to the cemetary. The plane wrote, "(My brother's first name) I Love You" in Italian of all things. My mother loved Italy and went many times. We enter the cemetary and the very first thing I see is the cutest bunny rabbit "happily" jumping around, like out of a kid's cartoon show. Coincidences such as this kept on happening. Yes, I was in an altered state from the grief...but it seemed there was more happening than meets the eye.

I am a very sober, quiet, scientific kind of person who has always been bored by stories of ghosts and spirits. I'm religious - but I digress...I never felt 'spirits' or 'messages from the dead' until the death of my mother.

One day, 4 months after her death, I was alone in my house with my dog. Plain and quite loud, I heard a voice, "(My First Name) - I love you!" My dog's pointy ears immediately stood up at attention, her eyes sharp with alertness. Lots more happened later...and at about the 9 month point, coincidences, signs, dreams, voices, etc. disappeared. Mom was truly gone...but left in it's place was that deep love in me always that I earlier mentioned, like she lives inside of me... and I also see her in my father.

About a year after her death, my Dad had surgery, and the night before, he said he saw her at the foot of his bed, silent, loving and reassuring. Now here is a man who never once was someone who talked of things like that. I strongly feel she lives inside of him. When he passes on, I don't know what to expect at all. Of course, I expect to be grieving, but I have a feeling the 2 of them will live on in their way. They had an unusually strong and vibrant love story and were married almost 50 years. Dad is very elderly now.

I also send warm condolences to you!

Thanks for sharing your experiences Sky.....it helps my recent conviction that there is indeed an afterlife. Quite a few odd things have happened since her death. Your stories strengthen my hope that Mom can see/hear me!

 

[JanesJewels]

I was 13 and my grandmother died unexpectedly, suddenly.. I existed and have a hole where she was in my heart, nothing has ever healed it, changed it or made it better, I just accepted it and always try to only remember how she loved me

many years later my mom died when I was 47.. screeching, halting, pain.. cancer.. same sort of thing.. we were told 'oh months to go' after she has hospice come for one day, she didn't like hospice and died that night.. feisty Irish woman! that became a huge, utterly void of depression and pain.. my sons really helped me out of it, I had my kids and I could sit around and cry or be their mom and live my life as my mother WANTED me to do.. to be the woman my mother thought I was.. now.. 14 years later I still cannot think of my grandmother or my mom without welling up... but I live to honor them.

I wondered how other people have coped.

Thank you in advance.

Tekate, thank you for telling me all that. It really does help.

My mom didn't like the hospice nurses either, and died just before a wheelchair was ordered for her. She was a very proud woman too.

Like you, I will try to accept the situation and to remember mostly how much she loved me.

 

[JanesJewels]

Kathley - I really hope that these messages about coping with grief might help you, too. I'm thinking of you.

I thought about you last night, and the first thing I did this morning was to read these posts. They are helping, and it is comforting to know that what I am feeling is "normal". Thank you for posting this topic, I know it was difficult. I hope the posts are helping you too. Many hugs!!!

Thanks, Kathley. How are you doing now?

In the midst of all of your pain, thank you for asking me how I am doing! Most likely, similar to how you are feeling. I had no mother when I was growing up. Dad was always there, every single time. Always supportive. His very last words he said to me was "you be strong!" And he said it with strength and conviction. Those words are difficult for me to live by right now; but I am trying. I try for my daughter and husband. But when I am alone, that is when grief hits hardest. Dad's birthday is Monday and it will be a tough day. I hope you are feeling some sense of comfort reading the supportive posts here. I know I am. Many hugs to you and to those who have/are suffering loss!

Oh Kathley, Monday will indeed be a hard day for you. I'm so sorry. Do you have anything planned?

I'm so sorry you didn't have a mother. Here's a cyber-hug; ((((Kathley)))

 

[JanesJewels]

Missy:

"Oh Jane, my heart goes out to you. Even though everyone has their own unique experience I do understand much of how you are feeling. The shock of it all. You were talking to her and then a short while later she was gone. I understand the regret you are feeling that you didn't get to say goodbye in person. But you couldn't have known. We don't have crystal balls. And more importantly, most importantly, your mom knew you loved her and she loved you. You were there for her and she knew that.

I hear the grief you are feeling and my heart aches for you. This is a heartbreaking journey no one can take from you. One you might be able to make more bearable by sharing with others but painful nonetheless. Know you did all you could and that your mom knew that and that your love for her will endure. As I wrote before she will always live on in your heart and she will always be with you. With time the pain will be less breathtakingly sharp and you will be able to remember her with more happiness than painful sadness.

I wish I could do something to ease your pain. All I can do is offer my ear and my support and my understanding. Writing about my feelings, my fears and my pain always helps me cope with traumatic and tragic events. I hope you can find some solace in sharing your feelings here and in whatever other ways you can. (((Hugs))) and love to you from me.[/quote]


Thanks, Missy. You've been so sweet. I really really do appreciate it. xxxx How's your poor leg?

 

[JanesJewels]

Well, work calls. I'll be back tomorrow. Thanks so much to everyone.

My mom left me some nice jewelry but it just makes me sad, so I don't wear it. Maybe I will in time. I already posted her engagement ring, the blue zircon with the diamond halo. It's on page 3 or so of SMTB.

JJ xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[JanesJewels]

Mom's engagement ring. She barely took it off in 54 years. My sister and I agree that this is the piece of jewelry we most associate with her.

[URL='https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/diamond-halo-and-blue-zircon-ring.203755/']https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/diamond-halo-and-blue-zircon-ring.203755/[/URL]

 

[Sky56]

Someday you will probably wear her jewelry and feel that warm love when you wear it. Of course when you are ready, if that feeling of readiness comes to you. When I wear my mother's jewelry and someone compliments me on it, I briefly tell them about my mother and how wonderful she was. For that moment, I feel joy and the wonderment of keeping her memory spreading good feelings to others.

 

[JanesJewels]

Someday you will probably wear her jewelry and feel that warm love when you wear it. Of course when you are ready, if that feeling of readiness comes to you. When I wear my mother's jewelry and someone compliments me on it, I briefly tell them about my mother and how wonderful she was. For that moment, I feel joy and the wonderment of keeping her memory spreading good feelings to others.

That sounds lovely, Sky. I hope to do the same one day xxx