Will you have an engagement party?

[nail_polish]

Date: 2/17/2009 5:58:52 PM
Author: Dreamgirl
Well obviously musey I wasn''t attacking HER. And sorry if you feel that way nail_polish. I''m saying in general, I truly think it''s dumb to use the money like that and I''ll stand by it because that''s what I think!

I appreciate you clarifying this, Dreamgirl.
I did indeed feel a bit attacked. I always saw this board as a safe place to share and explore ideas, not somewhere where I would feel judged and need to defend that my family is not comprised of rich folk who throw money around.

 

[Dreamgirl]

This is an incredibly wonderful, safe, and supportive board. But a place where I think all of us are free to voice our opinions too!

As many have in the past.

continue....

 

[nail_polish]

I'm really not sure if saying what my family did is dumb is conducive of a safe and supportive environment

 

[Dreamgirl]

Date: 2/17/2009 6:03:41 PM
Author: nail_polish
This is the first time I have ever felt judged on this forum, as my impression was that is not what we are here to do.

I agree - it is not for any one to say what is and what is not dumb.

Again, sorry you feel this way as that was not the intent on your part. It''s how I feel about the subject of paying that much money for an event like that. I myself have a very large family but would still not do that. And that''s me. Maybe you think that''s dumb. I don''t care!

As far as your last statement, I have to respectfully disagree. I think it''s fine to speak one''s mind. I didn''t say you were dumb, or your family. Just spending that kind of money. That''s just how I feel.....what can I say? Maybe a lot of it has to do with the fact that my boyfriend just had a paycut and can''t find a new job after looking for months and months, maybe because my job might be lost come May...maybe because I save all the money I make so that I can have some sort of a future. To me....it''s dumb to spend money like that. Times are rough. Sorry, that''s just how it is. I don''t know what else to say...

 

[idreamofcushions]

I would love to have a party for just about everything (think of all the cute outfits!) but we''ll probably try to keep costs down to a minimum since we''ll be footing the bill for the wedding.

But since my whole family lives here in town and his family is only 4 hrs away, we''ve talked about having an engagement party at our house. Something small with hors d''oeuvres and wine...we even talked about creating a slide show that will play on our tv during the whole shindig! lol

 

[nail_polish]

Date: 2/17/2009 6:18:20 PM
Author: Dreamgirl
Again, sorry you feel this way as that was not the intent on your part. It''s how I feel about the subject of paying that much money for an event like that. I myself have a very large family but would still not do that. And that''s me. Maybe you think that''s dumb. I don''t care!


As far as your last statement, I have to respectfully disagree. I think it''s fine to speak one''s mind. I didn''t say you were dumb, or your family. Just spending that kind of money. That''s just how I feel.....what can I say? Maybe a lot of it has to do with the fact that my boyfriend just had a paycut and can''t find a new job after looking for months and months, maybe because my job might be lost come May...maybe because I save all the money I make so that I can have some sort of a future. To me....it''s dumb to spend money like that. Times are rough. Sorry, that''s just how it is. I don''t know what else to say...

Well, I am very sorry that times are so rough for you. All the best and hopefully things look up soon..

 

[Rhea]

No, we didn''t. We had very few wedding related parties and events.

 

[musey]

Date: 2/17/2009 5:58:52 PM
Author: Dreamgirl
Well obviously musey I wasn't attacking HER. And sorry if you feel that way nail_polish. I'm saying in general, I truly think it's dumb to use the money like that and I'll stand by it because that's what I think!

I suppose that's precisely how some people feel about your love of Tiffany, and nail_polish may feel the same way you do when people say that Tiffany is a waste of money

Nail_polish's engagement party undoubtedly gave her and her family many wonderful memories, and to them, that was worth $7,000. You have your own reasons for purchasing a Tiffany engagement ring even given your own personal situation and the state of the economy, and some people may label that "dumb" (and likely worse, I would venture to guess). Would you feel attacked if someone told you so? Maybe not, I don't know.

I am in no way suggesting that I agree (that either choice in expenditure is "dumb") - in fact, I have no opinion on the subject because I do not feel it is my right. I am simply illustrating that most everyone uses money in a way that may seem "wasteful" to others. What it comes down to is priorities.


ETA: Farbeit for me to say what one should and should not say, or what opinions one should and should not voice... but one should be aware of how one's comments come off. Calling anyone's decision to spend money on anything, without any kind of information on their background or situation, "dumb" - will always come off as harsh and judgmental, no matter what. So even though you did not intend your comment as an 'attack,' it did read that way.

ETAA: Sorry for all the editing, my computer is having a mini-freak-out!

 

[nail_polish]

Date: 2/17/2009 6:33:17 PM
Author: musey
What it comes down to is priorities.

Amen to that!

 

[musey]

Date: 2/17/2009 6:05:26 PM
Author: nail_polish

Date: 2/17/2009 5:58:52 PM
Author: Dreamgirl
Well obviously musey I wasn't attacking HER. And sorry if you feel that way nail_polish. I'm saying in general, I truly think it's dumb to use the money like that and I'll stand by it because that's what I think!

I appreciate you clarifying this, Dreamgirl.

I did indeed feel a bit attacked. I always saw this board as a safe place to share and explore ideas, not somewhere where I would feel judged and need to defend that my family is not comprised of rich folk who throw money around.

Sorry to hear that. It is generally safe, but of course every now and then we see a bit of culture clash. I hope you don't feel discouraged from posting in the future

 

[jcarlylew]

We''ll probably have a good dinner with family and friends...and then we''ll throw a kegger

okay, maybe not a kegger, but we''ll definately celebrate at some point. actually i hope to fly down to SC to visit my grandma, and then to FL to visit family since they would not be able to make it up to the wedding

 

[Dreamgirl]

Date: 2/17/2009 6:33:17 PM
Author: musey
I suppose that''s precisely how some people feel about your love of Tiffany, and nail_polish may feel the same way you do when people say that Tiffany is a waste of money

Nail_polish''s engagement party undoubtedly gave her and her family many wonderful memories, and to them, that was worth $7,000. You have your own reasons for purchasing a Tiffany engagement ring even given your own personal situation and the state of the economy, and some people may label that ''dumb'' (and likely worse, I would venture to guess). Would you feel attacked if someone told you so? Maybe not, I don''t know.

I am in no way suggesting that I agree (that either choice in expenditure is ''dumb'') - in fact, I have no opinion on the subject because I do not feel it is my right. I am simply illustrating that most everyone uses money in a way that may seem ''wasteful'' to others. What it comes down to is priorities.


ETA: Farbeit for me to say what one should and should not say, or what opinions one should and should not voice... but one should be aware of how one''s comments come off. Calling anyone''s decision to spend money on anything, without any kind of information on their background or situation, ''dumb'' - will always come off as harsh and judgmental, no matter what. So even though you did not intend your comment as an ''attack,'' it did read that way.

ETAA: Sorry for all the editing, my computer is having a mini-freak-out!

Oh trust me, I''ve seen so many negative comments about Tiffany on this board. Everyone has their own opinions and they sure don''t fear away from saying what they think about Tiff''s. That''s what they think! I can''t tell them not to think it because that''s how they feel. I might disagree but what can I do? I just say why I like it and that''s all that really matters to me. People might even think I''m dumb. So be it.

And I totally hear what you are saying and I feel the exact same way. And my priority is to save money like that! Whatever the situations..To each his own. You know?

 

[sammyj]

Date: 2/17/2009 6:18:20 PM
Author: Dreamgirl

Date: 2/17/2009 6:03:41 PM
Author: nail_polish
This is the first time I have ever felt judged on this forum, as my impression was that is not what we are here to do.

I agree - it is not for any one to say what is and what is not dumb.

Again, sorry you feel this way as that was not the intent on your part. It's how I feel about the subject of paying that much money for an event like that. I myself have a very large family but would still not do that. And that's me. Maybe you think that's dumb. I don't care!

As far as your last statement, I have to respectfully disagree. I think it's fine to speak one's mind. I didn't say you were dumb, or your family. Just spending that kind of money. That's just how I feel.....what can I say? Maybe a lot of it has to do with the fact that my boyfriend just had a paycut and can't find a new job after looking for months and months, maybe because my job might be lost come May...maybe because I save all the money I make so that I can have some sort of a future. To me....it's dumb to spend money like that. Times are rough. Sorry, that's just how it is. I don't know what else to say...

I don't know if you ladies have seen the What is your budget? thread in BWW, but something similar was said/misconstrued/mis-worded/whatever...

My personal opinion: Yes, $7000 on an engagement party is extravagant and not what I would do, but if that's what you and your family want and can afford, then by all means. DG, I think the use of the word 'dumb' is extreme and not the best choice of words to express your sentiment, especially if you were trying to come off as nonjudgmental. If you're going to label an 'event' as dumb, any person that engages in that event will automatically assume that you think they're dumb too (whether you do or not). If I went ahead and said, "Anyone that buys anything from T&Co is dumb because they're so overpriced. Why would you waste your money when we're in an economic crisis," (I don't really think this btw)," you'd probably take that personally because YOU choose to spend YOUR money the way YOU want.

I completely agree that everyone is entitled to their opinion but I think we need to think twice about how we are expressing it and the words we choose. In the thread I posted above, Freke (and others) made good posts about how the original offender could have reworded her post to be less offensive.

FWIW, I wasn't offended by DG's comment but I'm sure we could easily find a similar topic where I would be (heck, there's one in BWW right now!). Money is always a delicate topic and it seems that it's even more delicate for you these days, DG, so I'm sorry you're dealing with your job uncertainty and financial issues.

ETA: I took a break while writing this to have dinner. Sorry if I sound redundant!!!

 

[musey]

Date: 2/17/2009 6:54:20 PM
Author: Dreamgirl
I can''t tell them not to think it because that''s how they feel. I might disagree but what can I do?

Thinking someone''s choice is "dumb" and typing that to a stranger on the internet are two quite different things

 

[Dreamgirl]

I think this is starting to get a bit out of control. I don't need to be told 90 times like a 5 year old child about the God awful sin I've made by saying I think spending thousands of dollars on an engagement party is dumb.

I also think I've been around long enough for people to know my personality and how supportive and loving I am to everyone here. If you want to think I'm the devil and just the worst person to ever live because I think something is dumb, then I don't know what to say to that. If you want to JUDGE me based one one comment then I can't help you... Love me or hate me, you all know how I am...

So, we have 2 options. To drop it already....or would you prefer I just leave all together then?

 

[musey]

Dreamgirl, I certainly didn't mean to cause offense, or insinuate that I think you are "the devil" or "just the worst person to ever live." I just felt that you had made a statement that was unfair at Nail Polish's expense. You didn't seem to understand what I was saying, so I was continuing to clarify.

In all honesty, I don't post such things to make people feel badly or change the way they approach posting - there is no point in that, in my opinion. My only motivation is to help those who may be hurt by such statements to feel better, and to know that not everyone feels the same way.

 

[Dreamgirl]

I did get where you were coming from and I completely understand. I just have a different opinion. I already told her more than once I''m sorry about how she feels on the situation. I just really think this thread is going in a bad place right now just because of one thing I said...

 

[musey]

I don't know how to clarify what I am saying to you (I do not believe you are getting my full meaning, based on your responses to my posts) without sounding mean, and I don't intend to do so, so I will drop.

Again, the only reason I've posted anything wasn't to shake my finger at you, but to help nail polish to perhaps not feel hurt or that this forum is an unsafe place to post such things as one's budget for something.

 

[Dreamgirl]

Well I''m always kind and supportive to everyone here. Remember nail_polish, I was the first one to give you a big welcome to this forum! I really don''t know what else to say so I''m not saying anything anymore in this thread...think what you want about me I guess. If it''s based off one word I said in all my 3,000+ posts, what can I do?

 

[musey]

Dreamgirl, I never suggested that your posts (plural, not just the one) in this thread changed my or anyone else''s opinion of you, and I wish you wouldn''t assume as such. You don''t have to plead your case

just keep on posting as you always have. As you said yourself, people think what they think and there''s not a lot any one person can do about it, other than to be themselves!

 

[Tuckins1]

We did not, it seemed a little pretentious to us. We just had a few friends to the bar.

 

[Dreamgirl]

Date: 2/17/2009 5:10:31 PM
Author: NakedFinger

Haha Gwen & DreamGirl....where are you guys from? Im in nyc, and in a land of 6 figure weddings, and where $40k is considered a 'cheap' wedding, $7,000 on an engagement party doesnt seem all that bad to me!

And on a final note......this statement here is what set me off. Not even nail_polish's statment. I found THIS statment very brash and boisterous. So I got defensive. It was never intended against nail_polish.

THATS what set me off. (for the record)

 

[purrfectpear]

I think the idea of the parents hosting an engagement party is lovely. I wasn''t thinking in the $7K range though. I was thinking more like an intimate little party at the house. You know, finger foods and some booze?

 

[musey]

Date: 2/17/2009 8:05:11 PM
Author: Dreamgirl

Date: 2/17/2009 5:10:31 PM
Author: NakedFinger
Haha Gwen & DreamGirl....where are you guys from? Im in nyc, and in a land of 6 figure weddings, and where $40k is considered a ''cheap'' wedding, $7,000 on an engagement party doesnt seem all that bad to me!

And on a final note......this statement here is what set me off. Not even nail_polish''s statment. I found THIS statment very brash and boisterous.

THATS what set me off. (for the record)

I didn''t read it that way myself. It''s true that new york (and therefore weddings IN new york) is quite expensive, so NakedFinger was just being honest about that. She wasn''t saying that $40k is nothing, just that it generally costs a lot more to throw a wedding in that area. It''s not really the same as saying "look at me, look at me, I have so much money that I wanted to throw $300k away on a wedding!"

The way that I read it, anyway.

Keep in mind, too, that with the inflated cost of living, etc. in major metropolitan areas, there is most often an inflation in salaries as well. It usually doesn''t make up for it, of course (that''s one of the reasons why engagements tend to be longer for those living/throwing a wedding in an expensive area), but that is just to say that any specific sum of money means quite different things to different people, and there are a million different factors that make this true.

We can all get a little over-sensitive when money is tight. It''s hard to see someone else spending multiple thousands on something that we can''t or wouldn''t think of spending $100 on, but I have yet to see anyone in this thread insinuate that they are superior for spending more on any given thing. It usually happens the other way around, for reasons that most people can intuit.


I think that PS can be a place for us to share such things without worrying that we''ll be offending people by posting our budgets, purchases, choices, etc.

 

[Ali]

Out of respect for the original poster and the community, STAY ON TOPIC.

 

[musey]

Apologies, Ali and OP. I tend to get ahead of myself when peoples'' feelings seem to be getting hurt. I will do better in the future!

 

[Dreamgirl]

Date: 2/17/2009 8:47:03 PM
Author: Ali
Out of respect for the original poster and the community, STAY ON TOPIC.

Agreed. Thank you Ali and my appologies once again! Its a touchy subject.

nail_polish- Again sweetie, I sincerely appologize and hope you don't take offense to what I said as I honestly didn't intend to hurt anyone. I'm sorry I came across that way to you. **BIG HUGS**

You all know I love ya

Even through our differences. As I tried to say before....continue with original subject....

 

[nail_polish]

Date: 2/17/2009 10:00:00 PM
Author: Dreamgirl

Date: 2/17/2009 8:47:03 PM

Author: Ali

Out of respect for the original poster and the community, STAY ON TOPIC.

Agreed. Thank you Ali and my appologies once again! Its a touchy subject.


nail_polish- Again sweetie, I sincerely appologize and hope you don't take offense to what I said as I honestly didn't intend to hurt anyone. I'm sorry I came across that way to you. **BIG HUGS**

You all know I love ya

Even through our differences. As I tried to say before....continue with original subject....

My apologies as well for diverting from the topic at hand. And Dreamgirl thanks for your apology - no hard feelings! You welcomed me from the start and I look forward to continuing to participate in this community.

musey I appreciate your support throughout this! Because of how great things are resolved on this board, I will not hesitate to continue to be a part of it.

Anyway, as Ali said - Back to business!

 

[Haven]

Oh, we had a lot of fun pre- and post-wedding parties! I loved each and every one of them, and I highly recommend the prolonged celebrations.

-parents meeting dinner
Our parents met a few years before we were engaged. In fact, they celebrate several holidays together and have for over two years.

-engagement party
We did not have a traditional engagement party, because a traditional engagement party is one where the parents of the bride-to-be announce that their daughter is engaged to be married, and we did not keep our engagement a secret long enough to do this.
Instead, our nearest and dearest organized an impromptu dinner out at one of our favorite restaurants the night after our engagement. There were about 20 people there, and save for our wedding day, I''ve never felt more loved in my life. It was wonderful.

-dinner to introduce the moh/bridesmaids/etc
My MOH/bridesmaids were my sisters and closest friends, who all knew each other, of course. So, we didn''t have to do this.

-bridal shower
Our friends threw two showers for us, and they were both a lot of fun. One was at a private home, and one was at a restaurant.

-bachelorette party (not a crazy one, maybe a spa day or something)
My sister threw me a great bachelorette party in the city, we spent the night in a hotel, and then went to the Pride Parade the next day. It was a blast.

-bridesmaid''s luncheon (which is done at the end to thank them for their help)
We did this the day of my bachelorette party, and it was lovely. We had brunch at a great place in the city.

-rehearsal dinner
This was a ton of fun, we had our RD at Lou Malnati''s, which is a Chicago pizza staple, so all of our OOT guests were very excited for it.

-wedding
Best celebration of them all.

-post-wedding brunch
We had two of these--one at my parents'' house, and one at my husband''s brother''s house. They were so nice.

 

[FrekeChild]

Unless someone decides to throw an engagement party for us, it's not happening.

Unfortunately, my dad has decided that we are going to have a "shower" for "women only" this summer that people who aren't invited to the wedding, are invited to. Don't get me started on this idea. And he wants my mom's friend (also the mom of my oldest friend--she was 3 months, I was a newborn when we "met") to plan it. She's not invited to the wedding. And did I mention that he already asked her to do this?! No comment no comment no comment.

There will be a bachelor/ette party the night before the wedding, with the girls going to see Thunder from Down Under or the Chippendales, and the guys go see some girly show (yet to be decided). Then we're all going to meet up and go see Zumanity.

And then the wedding next January. This is the only thing I care about. Except that my dad has effectively added another 31% (maybe--my math skills suck) to the guest list (it stands at 35, and without his add-ons, it was 24).

Oh, and I'm hoping for a day after brunch at Bouchon. But that will be one of those, "We're going to go eat here, you're welcome to join!" situations.

And then my dad's second hair-brained scheme to have a "family only reception" next summer (2010) the day after my aunt and uncle's 50th anniversary party because all of their kids will be out here, and my brothers and their families will also be out here. So no one will have to incur any extra cost. This will totally offend my aunt because she's very much a drama queen and one of those women that has to be the center of attention, all of the time.

Thank you for the shout-out sammyj. I don't think people realize how touchy talking about money is right now (or in general). Finances are always a sensitive topic, and I find that comments about other people's spending are uncalled for--either negative or positive--and should be kept as a thought only, because as we've seen recently, it never ends well.