Who DOESN''T want bridesmaids, and why?

[jlc0604]

I saw in another post a couple of girls were considering not having any bridesmaids. I am in the same boat. I''ve decided that I do not want a bridal party at all, but instead just a maid-of-honor and best man. My BF, however, is more traditional and is really insistent on having all his close friends up there with him. So we''re trying to come to a compromise, but the more I think about it the more I don''t want a bridal party! So I''m curious to hear other''s opinions on this matter.

My reasons for not wanting bridesmaids:

- I don''t like the feeling of ''ranking'' my friends and relatives, or picking an exclusive group. The people I invite to my wedding will all be close to us in their own way, and I don''t like picking and choosing who gets this ''special'' honor.

- I don''t know who to pick. I''d feel obligated to pick those that picked me, and obligated to NOT pick those that didn''t pick me (just because it might be awkward). I''ve had close friends that I''ve grown apart from, so do I include the people I''ve been with the longest? Or the ones I''m closest to now? Just family? His sisters?

- Some people I''d pick are far out of town, so basically they''d be a bridesmaid in name only - no help planning, really, just buy the dress and show up for the pictures. So it seems like why bother with the hassle and the cost just for the tradition of it?

- I''ll be close to 30 when I get married, as will most of my potential bridesmaids. I just feel it''s silly to dress a group of 30 year old women with different figures and attributes in the same dress. Even if I do go with bridesmaids, I''ll want to dress each one in a similar color, but a style that flatters them (like in that Oprah wedding special!).

- Our wedding will be small anyway, probably around 60-70 people. We don''t have large families, so it''ll be mostly friends. And if we have a bridal party, a good chunk of the guests will be in it! I''d prefer to keep it simple and just have one person each.

- I know my local girlfriends will help with planning, whether or not they are official bridesmaids. Other than that, the only person with an actual assigned task during the wedding is the MOH and BM. They hold the rings, are the witnesses, etc. I think keeping the bridal party to just those two makes the wedding more simple and elegant, which is what we''re going for.

- It''ll save a little bit of money, in terms of bouquets, hairdos, etc.


Anyone else feel similarly? Anyone disagree? Any ideas on how to sell the idea to my boyfriend??

 

[jenwill]

I also do not want a bridal party..for all of the reasons you stated already. I would even be happy without honor attendants, but am sure my FI will want at least a best man, so we''ll see who i choose for moh. I can''t really suggest how to talk your fiancee out of it, but will say that a large bridal party for a smaller wedding does look a little unbalanced.

 

[ammayernyc]

Not planning my wedding yet but I think I don''t want them.

Just from past experience, I''ve always had so much more fun at weddings where I was not in the bridal party. You don''t have to miss cocktail hour for pictures. You don''t have to have all sorts of hair and makeup done. You don''t have to buy a dress you probably won''t wear again.

I also don''t want to offend anybody...

I''ll have to see however when I get down to the nitty gritty!

 

[blue_chica]

I have many of the same issues as you do, however I will be having a bridal party because I won''t have any family support for planning, etc. Just a suggestion: you don''t have to match numbers of attendants. You could have a MOH and he could have his friends. If you still wanted things numerically balanced perhaps some could stand on your side.

 

[jlc0604]

I''m not engaged yet either, but we''ve started to talk about wedding ideas since it''ll probably be in the next couple of years.

jen - i always figured i''d have a MOH and BM, just because they hold the rings, adjust the veil/dress for photos, etc. plus, i have one sister, and i was her MOH, and she''ll be mine. so that makes the choice really easy and i don''t have to pick from my friends.

ammayernyc - my bf thinks that all his friends will be honored to be asked, and offended if not asked. i agree with you that it''s much more fun to just attend the wedding without worrying about the stress of being in the bridal party. and if there is no party, then noone can be offended, right? i''m pretty practical, and not that emotional, so i figure i''m doing all my friends a favor by not making them buy a dress they''ll only wear once, and, more importantly, letting them enjoy the cocktail hour!

blue - i won''t have much family help either. my sister (and MOH) lives far away and has three young children. so i''ll still have to enlist my local girl friends for planning, but i just figure they don''t have to be ''bridesmaids'' for me to ask them to help. good suggestion about uneven sides, but i''m too anal for that - i need symmetry! well, maybe if it was just off by one it''d be ok, but he wants 4 or 5 people, and i only want one, so that would drive me crazy

 

[onedrop]

I too an conflicted on this issue, and have no idea how I will feel when I am finally asked. There are myriad reasons why I would not want a bridal party, but the biggest is that I (personally) don''t see the point of it. This could be because I am older (30+) and I never really understood that whole concept anyway. An acquaintance of mine had a wedding with no bridal party at all. Her reason was that the ceremony was about the two of them. At the time it was a radical idea to me, but as I *age* I am starting to see the light.

 

[fortheloveofdiamonds]

Date: 2/8/2005 3:42:21 PM
Author:jlc0604

I''ll be close to 30 when I get married, as will most of my potential bridesmaids. I just feel it''s silly to dress a group of 30 year old women with different figures and attributes in the same dress. Even if I do go with bridesmaids, I''ll want to dress each one in a similar color, but a style that flatters them (like in that Oprah wedding special!).

I like this. I did this. I said I want you in my bridal party because you are special. Wear whatever you want! I just want you to be happy with your choice, be comfortable and feel good in your own skin so you can enjoy the day as much as I will! Well it turned out that most everyone chose a pastel color and they all looked SO great and felt wonderful. They bought something that suited them, their style, and their wallet! They''ve even worn the dresses again!

 

[moremoremore]

I also went through this debate. I didn't want bridesmaids. But I had 4 including my matron of honor. I thought that it would become a bigger deal with none than with just having a few. I had a winter wedding so my girls wore a line satin black skirts with black sweaters. That made it look a lot less bridesmaidy. I also asked them to please wear there hair as they do every day...no special shows or jewelry. It was cool! I also like having them wear whatever they want. You can even keep it in a certain color family if you like! Marriage is all about compromise...you might as well start now

p.s. you'll miss the cocktail hour even without them LOL...There are only a few shots with them. Most are of you and the family

 

[kadie]

I to did not want brides maids but I wanted my younger nieces to participate. My fiance who has been a best man five times wanted all his friends up there.

I elected to go with my best friend as matron of honor and our nieces as bridesmaids and jr bridesmaids.

This gave me the control I wanted (because I did not anticipate arguing with my 3 sisters and his two over who was or was not going to be in the wedding

Because the bridesmaids are so young 11-16 having adult groomsmen was so creepy I was able to convince him to go with father as best man and son as attendant.

As much as I love my sistes and soon to be sisters in law and friends trying to pick amoung them and then marshall them into my vision was just plain scary and not worth the effort or energy

 

[Blue824]

My friends have had horrible experiences being in bridal parties. I have had horrible experience being in bridal parties. It just isnt fun to me anymore. My close friends are my close friends, I don''t need them to prove it to me by spending $1000+ on me...just not my style. I''d rather them be there to enjoy the entire party stress free...I know that if I need help or support they''ll be there for me, but I guess I''m just bitter from my experiences and I know that I am sort of a high maintenance person to deal with already so whoooo knows how I''ll get during that time! I dont know. I''ve never really wanted them, and it actually works out perfectly for what my bf and I want - to elope in Italy. We do want a big party in Chicago, and at that point, I''ll ask my best friend and he''ll ask his to do toasts...but I dont know...just not for me

To each their own though

Oh well, I just wrote that super quickly, on my way out from work. So I hope it makes sense

 

[TravelingGal]

I''m with the no bridesmaids camp. I have met very few gals who LOVED being bridesmaids. Most weren''t thrilled, even with best friends or famiily. I was really excited when my cousin got married and I was her MOH, but that''s probably because she was close fam and asked nothing of us. Paid for our dress, didn''t ask for a bridal shower or bachelorette. We did something nice for her, but it was just her bridesmaids and her, and we are all family anyway.

To me, it''s a win win situation. Your friends enjoy your wedding without stress, and you enjoy your wedding knowing that no one hates you or each other.

And yes, I am over 30...so that probably has to do a bit with the way I feel.

 

[rms]

Date: 2/8/2005 6:11

7 PM
Author: TravelingGal
I''m with the no bridesmaids camp. I have met very few gals who LOVED being bridesmaids. Most weren''t thrilled, even with best friends or famiily. I was really excited when my cousin got married and I was her MOH, but that''s probably because she was close fam and asked nothing of us. Paid for our dress, didn''t ask for a bridal shower or bachelorette. We did something nice for her, but it was just her bridesmaids and her, and we are all family anyway.

To me, it''s a win win situation. Your friends enjoy your wedding without stress, and you enjoy your wedding knowing that no one hates you or each other.

And yes, I am over 30...so that probably has to do a bit with the way I feel.

I just got married, and am also over the tender age of 30.

We only had a maid of honor and the best man. We asked nothing of them except just to be there with us. To me having a large bridal party just would have added unnecessarily to the stress of it all for me, especially since I organized everything on my own. Maybe they could have helped, but anyone I would have asked is from out of town.

Even though your wedding will be on the smaller side, if your BF still wants to have a lot of the guys involved, maybe the gents can be ushers to escort the guests to their seats. That way they are still involved in some of the formalities of the whole occasion.

 

[Erin]

I guess I never really intended on having bridesmaids either - in the past I have only been one once and we don''t speak anymore (not because of that). My bf and I only have one close friend each - not to mention we just moved to a town where we knew no one from Chicago. My only sister is a butch lesbian - I don''t even think I could convince her to wear a fabric with sheen let alone carry flowers. For that reason I always assumed I may just as well have none then have to decide how to incorporate her into a costume party. Who am I kidding I might be getting married at the court house - what do I need bridesmaids for?

 

[teebee]

I''m with everyone else on this for some of the same reasons... I''m 31... I just don''t really see the point of going through all of the hassle of it. I''ve asked my cousin Carrie to be my MOH and she is ecstatic about it though so that''s cool. And I think we''ve decided that my one of my fiance''s good friends (girl) will be another bridesmaid... But, I just don''t really have any close girlfriends ~ most of my friends I''ve acquired through work, then once we move on in our employment the friendship seems to dwindle a bit to a point that I really wouldn''t consider them for something like that. But, like some of you, my fiance has a TON of friends. He wants a friend from college to be his best man and his brother to be a groomsmen. Then I went and suggested my other cousin be a groomsmen because otherwise the whole wedding party will be made up of his people, other than my MOH. So then since he is having 3, and so far I''ve just got 2, then I said how much I liked the wife of one of his other friends and she could be a bridesmaid, but then he said if she was in the wedding, he''d feel obligated to involve her husband, which makes it uneven again. So, then I said we could ask the wife of his best man to be a bridesmaid also ~ then we''d be even 4 & 4. And then there''s the 3 or 4 friends that he feels badly about leaving out so they''ll be ushers I guess??? We''re probably only going to have about 80 people there and it will look like half of them are in the wedding!!! I''d love to forget it all, just have a MOH and a Best Man...

 

[rms]

Date: 2/8/2005 6:49:29 PM
Author: Erin
I guess I never really intended on having bridesmaids either - in the past I have only been one once and we don''t speak anymore (not because of that). My bf and I only have one close friend each - not to mention we just moved to a town where we knew no one from Chicago. My only sister is a butch lesbian - I don''t even think I could convince her to wear a fabric with sheen let alone carry flowers. For that reason I always assumed I may just as well have none then have to decide how to incorporate her into a costume party. Who am I kidding I might be getting married at the court house - what do I need bridesmaids for?

I wasn''t going to mention this part for my story, but Erin''s story prompted me to. I actually had my sister as my MOH and a great friend as 1 bridesmaid, but what happened is that my sister backed out on me the week before my wedding. I really wanted her to be by my side because she is my sister and I love her dearly. But she considers herself a black sheep in many ways, and NEVER dresses up. I bought her the dress, shoes, everything for her outfit and she was doing great with it all. The week before the wedding I told her about making an appt. for the 3 of us to do our hair and makeup. I thought that it would be a fun sister/girl/friend kind of thing to do and thought maybe it would make her feel better about herself. Unfortunately it backfired and she got so upset with me because she said she didn''t want to wear makeup. So she backed out completely on being my MOH, and my 1 bridesmaid became my MOH. My sister almost didn''t even come to the wedding, but thankfully she did come in the end.

 

[jlc0604]

Thanks for sharing, everyone! I like the idea someone had of making certain friends ushers, or giving them special roles (readings, etc.) All these stories of drama just confirms my decision

 

[dancinbaby]

I''m with ya on the no bridesmaid thing!

- As a BM standing up there, you can''t see your girlfriend''s face....you only really see the groom''s.

So I think I would like to see my best friend''s sitting in the first row... .....But, if I saw them cry, it may make me cry...hmmm

Also, my girlfriends could still throw a bridal shower it''s just they wouldn''t have to wear matching dresses- I''m sure they''ll be delighted about that!

 

[blue_chica]

Ack - now you guys are scaring me! I don''t want the wedding to be a horrible experience for anyone, me or the bridal party! I just need the help, and figured it doesn''t make sense for someone to help me plan the whole thing and then sit with the regular guests. I''d definitely let them wear whatever style they wanted, maybe even flexibility in the colors. No one has to do fancy hair (I have short hair, don''t plan on getting a hair dresser) or makeup they''re uncomfortable with. Will it still be horrible for them?

 

[kanne]

BlueChica

Don't be scared!! I was MOH in a wonderful wedding, and had a great time. There were just two bridesmaids, which cut down on chaos. The bride wasn't picky and we wound up purchasing very nice (floor length, chiffon overlay, cowl neck, sagey green) off the rack. No alterations. We purchased the dresses just a month before the wedding (the bride was VERY laid back)!

I loved being in the ceremony and being part of the wedding planning process...even designed and made the invites!

Everyone is different...I can understand not wanting a bridal party. On the other hand, if you choose people who are dear to you (and who WANT to be involved) then it can be really great.

-lovey

 

[appletini]

I''m thinking about unoffical BMs. They can still have the title, but don''t have to buy a dress they will never wear again. I''ve never been a BM, but I don''t think I want to be.

Another option might just be MOH & Best Man and they don''t have to wear a BM dress or a tux.

Also my BF has two sisters, one is my friend that introduced us so of course we talk a lot (but also lives far away) and the other is younger and we get along great, but its different and I would feel funny having one as a BM and the other as House Party.

I have one friend that always gets asked to be BM, sometimes its random girls that she''s not really friends with, and she doesn''t feel like she can say "no" so then I have to hear her whine about for a year. One example: a girl she knew in high school, the wedding was 4th of july weekend in the hill country, the BMs dresses were $28 and from the junior''s section of a dept store. Her shoes cost more than the dress...at least she didn''t have to worry about it being expensive.

Did y''all see the Sex & the City where Charlotte asked the group to be her BMs, and then she told them they didn''t have to wear BM dresses and they were so excited? Classic.

 

[blue_chica]

lovey: K, feeling better. It just seemed such an overwhelming response that BM are not a good idea. I don''t really see it as "my" day, it''s our day, meaning friends, family, everyone who is a part of the experience, so I wouldn''t want them to feel like they had to fit my mold or waste money. I would only be asking my 2 best friends, and my BF''s best female friend to be involved. We do everything together, so I''d feel funny NOT asking them, I''m guessing they are expecting it. For a minute there I was panicking thinking it would turn out to be a horrible idea, and they''d end up hating me.

 

[appletini]

I''m afraid that I''ll be a nazi bride (not quite bridezilla) and my friend''s know me well enough to know what an organized control freak I am, so I''m sure that they would rather it be one less thing for me to worry about.

My roomie pierced her eyebrow a few weeks ago (and she''s on my BM list) and my first thought was oh my gosh I hope she gets rid of that before I get married (and I''m not even egaged yet). My best friend was there and we were both in total shock. But then my roomie mentioned that she was going to be in a wedding this summer and she would be taking it out before then (she''s a PhD student, so she can still go through silly phases and not have it affect her career), so I was majorly relieved.

 

[fortheloveofdiamonds]

Date: 2/8/2005 8:40

5 PM
Author: rms

I wasn''t going to mention this part for my story, but Erin''s story prompted me to. I actually had my sister as my MOH and a great friend as 1 bridesmaid, but what happened is that my sister backed out on me the week before my wedding. I really wanted her to be by my side because she is my sister and I love her dearly. But she considers herself a black sheep in many ways, and NEVER dresses up. I bought her the dress, shoes, everything for her outfit and she was doing great with it all. The week before the wedding I told her about making an appt. for the 3 of us to do our hair and makeup. I thought that it would be a fun sister/girl/friend kind of thing to do and thought maybe it would make her feel better about herself. Unfortunately it backfired and she got so upset with me because she said she didn''t want to wear makeup. So she backed out completely on being my MOH, and my 1 bridesmaid became my MOH. My sister almost didn''t even come to the wedding, but thankfully she did come in the end.

Oh Rita! I am sorry to hear about your experience. That was really selfish of your sister!

 

[icekid]

hmm, you know honestly i had not given it much thought to this point.. other than- geez that will be a pain in the ass to CHOOSE and include/exclude people. but i''ve been thinking about it since i first read your post, and having a big bridal party does seem really silly for me. we''re getting married in our hometown, where i have no friends really anymore outside of our families and his friends. so, any of my friends in the wedding would be from all over the country and thus would be little help in planning and that sort of thing. he has 4 really close friends, and i feel like if ONE of them is in the wedding, we would have to ask them ALL.. plus i would want my brothers in the wedding too which would make six guys and that would be nuts.

so i''m thinking maybe we''ll just have our siblings in the wedding. i have two brothers and a sister, and he has one sister- so i think it would be perfect. then we could have the guys be ushers i guess.

oh and a random thought about BM age- my baby sister is just turning 14, which means she will be 16 when we get married. is it weird to have a 16 yr old for a maid of honor, or is that ok? i guess it''s my wedding and i''ll do what i want anyway

 

[onedrop]

I think the beauty of this day and age is that you can do whatever you want when it comes to your wedding. I am surprised to learn that so many potential brides want either no bridesmaids or just a few. Now I don''t feel alone. Anytime I say that I don''t want bridesmaids to someone I get a crazy look.

 

[Blue824]

dancinbaby : "As a BM standing up there, you can''t see your girfriend''s face....you only really see the groom''s."

I HATED that about the wedding I was in, I couldn''t see ANYTHING that was going on! Just the train of her dress! I was like ummmm...considering we''re supposed to be the best friends of the couple, shouldn''t we at least be able to see their wedding?? One of my really good friends friends just got engaged, and previously was a no-bridesmaids kind of girl, but her bf is tring to talk her into it...and I''m seeing her in a month. I''m a little scared because I know I won''t be able to say no if she asks. Nice to know I''m not the only one feels that way and who gets that crazy look from people who don''t understand.

 

[goldengirl]

Well... seeing as I have no friends, whether or not I''ll have bridesmaids is kinda out of my hands.

I''ll probably have my sister stand up with me. Last I''d heard, Kyle was considering two, maybe three GMs. But the one GM is, um, kinda a dick about us being together, and honestly, I don''t know if I WANT him up there since he''s so disapproving. Not of me, but of Kyle spending time with someone other than him. Lame.

The other two he wants are an old friend (who just broke up with his forever-gf, so I hope he will be able to participate and be happy, sigh) and his brother (about my sister''s age). I''d be okay with an uneven BP as long as it wasn''t more than 1 off. More than that, and I''d just feel like a loser.

Even if I had a million friends, I''d keep the BP small. I hate babysitting other people.

 

[goldengirl]

Date: 2/9/2005 12:17:11 PM
Author: icekid
oh and a random thought about BM age- my baby sister is just turning 14, which means she will be 16 when we get married. is it weird to have a 16 yr old for a maid of honor, or is that ok? i guess it''s my wedding and i''ll do what i want anyway

I hope so--my sister will be barely 16 when I get married.

SCARY!!! My sister will be perpetually 12 in my mind...

 

[eks6426]

Blue824--I was the MOH of honor at my best friend''s wedding 2 years ago and agree that you with you that you can''t see anything besides the bride''s train. But what I do treasure is the look on her husband''s face as he said his vows to my friend. I am the only one besides the bride who was able to see the absolute love in his eyes at a close range. I already knew exactly how my friend felt about her husband-to-be at the time, but it was really intense to see it on HIS face. I feel privelaged to have witnessed his emotions. Whenever my friend and her husband have a rough spot in their marriage, I always remind her of the way he looked at her the day they married.....

 

[rms]

IslandDreams, that must have been great to see, and a nice point of reminder to anyone when you feel trouble in your relationship. Even though it seems a lot of us here did or will do without the large bridal party, it is nice to see both the positive and not so positive side of anything that we do in life.

Fortheloveofdiamonds, thanks for the thoughts on my sister not being my MOH. The story is truly so much longer than what I wrote, but that is life I guess. The funny thing was that my sister really overall seemed to have a great time at the wedding. I guess she just didn''t want any pressure put on her.

Goldengirl....no friends you say? Don''t forget about all your friends here on PS!!