What would you do?

[nala]

Ok. I realize that by posting this question I am opening up myself to insults, psychoanalysis, etc. but here goes.
I have a colleague who I spend a lot of time with at work. She is my room neighbor and she is a lot of fun. We formed this bond 4 years ago but didn’t see each other or really connect during pandemic. I don’t think we would consider each other best friends. Work friends—yes.
So. She recently moved and now has to take the train in to work. At first she left her car at the train station overnight but now she would rather not. So her solution is to take a bus from the station to work. She has been developing a habit of asking me for a ride to the train station—which is out of the way for me. It presents an inconvenience. Today she asked me for a ride and I told her that I couldn’t and she got really upset.
Ok. I know that I am selfish and spoiled. After a long day of work, I choose to drive a peaceful route home to unwind. I am entitled to that, I would think. My days of driving my DD are over and tbh, I hate driving. I can give you a million reasons why I don’t feel obligated to give her a ride and they all end in me, me, me. I know that I am selfish and I have cultivated the means to live this lifestyle. I fear that she wants me to become her Uber based on the fact that we are friends. Is this what friends do for each other? I know she has the means to pay for her Uber or her bus. She is healthy and has made her choices. She will not inconvenience her kids and make them her carpool buddies to avoid this entire situation. So why should I pay for her choices?
I am open for your words of wisdom.

 

[ZestfullyBling]

I'm a believer in you reap what you so and you have to cope with the decisions you make.
You were kind to take her. You can extend your kindness as many times or as little as you decide to.
It's her responsibility to get to work. Hers alone. Some people take advantage of people's kindness and for her to get upset when you said "no" she may be leaning that way.
But all in all, it's her responsibility to get to work. It's not a "shared" responsibility with you.

But I could be selfish too. Lol!

 

[seaurchin]

Okay, let's break this down:

First, you are only work friends, in other words acquaintances, not good friends who would be expected to be there for each other like family.

Second, dropping her off is out of your way and an inconvenience to you.

Third, not your problem anyway but she does have the means to arrange for a ride besides you.

Fourth, after you were already nice enough to give her a ride a few times, which you in no way owed her in the first place, her response to being told no was to "get upset" when obviously the polite response would be for her to cheerfully accept your wishes.

The only ways I could see her having a leg to stand on are if she has done considerable favors for you in the time you've known her and might therefore reason that she could expect an ongoing favor from you in return. Or if she had misunderstood your feelings about the situation and the upset was actually her being embarrassed upon realizing she had been pushing herself on you.

Otherwise, I think she is an a$$ and I would limit future contact with her to the bare minimum required for the job.

 

[Lookinagain]

She recently moved and now has to take the train in to work. At first she left her car at the train station overnight but now she would rather not.

I think it is ridiculous for her to "rather not" leave her car at the station, but not think it's okay for you to "rather not" drive her to the station after work. She made the choice to change her situation. As you mentioned, she could now choose Uber or the bus. I'm sure it is nicer to be chauffeured by a friend than by an Uber driver who is a stranger, or than taking the bus, but honestly her expectations are way out of line. It does't even sound like she has offered to pay you for the extra gas you are using since you are going out of your way to the station. She could have at least done that (whether you accepted it or not). I don't think you are being selfish, I think you are deciding that you don't want her to take advantage of you and that is fine.

 

[PinkAndBlueBling]

You are NOT selfish. Don't think that for one more minute! She's taking advantage of your kindness. The hard part is not doing it anymore since she's playing the "poor me, you suck" card.

I had a "friend" (aka opportunist) ask me to take her DD to school every morning. The kids barely made it on time as it was, plus she's on the other side of the neighborhood. I lied to get out of it because she always expected me to do everything she asked and pouted when I didn't. I was too chicken to say, "NO freaking way and you're rude for even asking!"

 

[Crazie4Cuts]

I think it is important to have healthy boundaries and let her know why you are no longer able to accommodate her requests. While you thought perhaps a one or two time request was fine but now her requests turned into your added responsibility/routine that you did not ask for. Just let her know firmly but gently that you no longer are able to provide her for rides to the train station. And as others above have said it is becoming a situation whereby you are being taken advantage of and you do not want to be resentful. Telling her firmly but gently (if she calls and ask again on the phone) that you are unable and for future rides to the station you don’t wish to be obligated. It is important for your well being even if she becomes upset. Part of being an adult is to learn to have direct conversations even though one party may not accept the outcome.

-C4C

 

[Diamondbug]

Ditto to everything everyone said. She is being selfish for expecting you to go out of your way to accommodate her! Sorry that you now have to have a conversation with her about this.

 

[Matata]

I know that I am selfish and I have cultivated the means to live this lifestyle.

You're engaging in self-care and imo that is to be encouraged and lauded. Previous posters have given solid advice. I don't think you're losing much if this person chooses to end the friendship over this.

 

[ItsMainelyYou]

+1 on the Solid advice from everyone.
Tell her your rates. Tack on a gratuity.
When she says an Uber would be a better deal, agree vehemently and cheerfully and wish her good riding.

 

[Sprinkles&Stones]

You are NOT SELFISH! You are not spoiled either. You owe nobody anything! The only person I would do that for is my hubby or mom and dad. I totally understand why you feel uncomfortable. I hate saying no to people. I have no clue what to do, but I agree with others that this is not your problem and you are not selfish. I hope someone wiser has better advice than me

 

[marymm]

If she keeps asking, just say "no" -- that's a complete answer.

If you want to engage in a discussion, you could say something like, "I know since your move you've been trying different commute modes to see which work best for you ... please respect the fact that my own commute takes me in the opposite direction. If you like, I'm happy to help you brainstorm other options to get you from work to the train station."


FWIW I say this as someone who years ago relied on public transportation for 8-10 years to get to work / school / errands / everything. It was because I was too poor to buy a car + insurance, which does not seem to be your friend's issue, but regardless part of being an adult is taking full responsibility for getting your ownself where you need to be. (Emergencies are different of course.)

eta: For me, personally, it would be too much to ask, and certainly nothing I'd ever want to commit to. This person has several options and the money/wherewithal to cover said options, and her thinking she should just rely on you every day for a ride just blows my mind.

 

[mrs-b]

How far out of the way is it for you? And is she looking for a ride in both directions or only one? I got the sense it was only one way - at the end of the day?

If it were me, and it wasn't far, I'd take her. I mean - a few minutes? I wouldn't consider it a lot to ask, even if it were every day. If it's really difficult for you, I'd try telling her you're happy to take her Monday, Wednesday and Friday - or Tuesday and Thursday - enough to be a help without committing to five days a week.

If it were 20 minutes, I wouldn't do it. But since I gather she's catching the train to the train station closest to work, I'm guessing we're only talking a mile or two here. I'd take her. Definitely. Is it inconvenient? Sure. But it's a minor inconvenience and who ever said that I should not EVER have to be inconvenienced? Helping others is good for the soul and service builds character. Makes the world a better place. If it really bugged me, I'd go with M/W/F. But I'd certainly take her if it weren't too far.

 

[YadaYadaYada]

She asked for a ride and when you said no she got really upset. Seems to me that SHE is being selfish not realizing or caring that this is out of your way and a bit of an inconvenience.

I don’t really know what to tell you going forward but if it was me I would not be extending myself anymore. Then again I’m not great at being friends so maybe take that advice with a serious grain of salt.

 

[smitcompton]

Hi,

I had a work friend that I had the same problem with. I try to be simple and direct in what I say. I told her I would take her home in freezing weather, but otherwise I wouldn't take her home every night.(Chicago). She was fine with that. So just say something as Marymm suggested. There is nothing to feel guilty about and she just made the wrong assumption because you did drive her. Something simple. Nothing to spoil a work friendship about.

Annette

 

[nala]

Thank you all! After reading all your replies, I reached out to her and was very sincere while only making it about me, lol. I told her that I hate driving and that dropping her off after work adds 30 minutes to my commute due to traffic. I told her that our conversation left me feeling very uncomfortable and that I needed to clarify that while I value our friendship, I can’t put myself out like that because I would just be miserable driving her. She replied that she understands and that she values our friendship more than rides to the station. I hope she means it. Thanks again to all of you!

 

[Matata]

That's great news @nala. Had that approach not worked, I would have suggested you tape a life-sized photo of @ItsMainelyYou's new avatar to your forehead every time you drove her

 

[ItsMainelyYou]

Spirit baby for the win!

 

[mrs-b]

That's great news @nala. Had that approach not worked, I would have suggested you tape a life-sized photo of @ItsMainelyYou's new avatar to your forehead every time you drove her

lol!

 

[mrs-b]

Thank you all! After reading all your replies, I reached out to her and was very sincere while only making it about me, lol. I told her that I hate driving and that dropping her off after work adds 30 minutes to my commute due to traffic. I told her that our conversation left me feeling very uncomfortable and that I needed to clarify that while I value our friendship, I can’t put myself out like that because I would just be miserable driving her. She replied that she understands and that she values our friendship more than rides to the station. I hope she means it. Thanks again to all of you!

ETA 30 minutes? No, I wouldn't be doing that. What I WOULD do, however, just to be nice, is offer her a lift every so often - when I had time. Like - maybe every couple of weeks. Just as a nice, surprise gesture to say "I'm still here - and still your friend."

 

[Mreader]

I am glad this worked out @nala - the fact that she got upset was the most surprising thing about the post for me since you were the one doing her a favor. This reminded me of how at the start of the school year, a colleague (who I don't even know! she works at my university but I have only met her a couple of times) learned that our kids attended the same school. She asked if I wouldn't mind picking up her kid in the afternoon and then either driving her kid to the university or to my home and she would pick her kid up from my home. Her class conflicted with pickup time. I was really baffled. I had to tell her no (I mean I don't want the liability of driving someone's kid - what if I got in an accident?! The kid is 12 and mine is 6, not like they could play together easily - and then if I wanted to go somewhere after school with my kid like the library or park, what then?). Anyway it was soooooooo awkward because I still felt so guilty, and also frustrated that she put me in that position of saying no.

 

[ZestfullyBling]

Thank you all! After reading all your replies, I reached out to her and was very sincere while only making it about me, lol. I told her that I hate driving and that dropping her off after work adds 30 minutes to my commute due to traffic. I told her that our conversation left me feeling very uncomfortable and that I needed to clarify that while I value our friendship, I can’t put myself out like that because I would just be miserable driving her. She replied that she understands and that she values our friendship more than rides to the station. I hope she means it. Thanks again to all of you!

Brava to you for being honest with her! true friendships are about honesty and being true to you and each of you respecting each other for it.

 

[redwood66]

@nala I think this is great how it worked out! Good for you for being honest in a caring way and now you won't have any awkwardness at work, which could have been terrible.

 

[musicloveranthony]

You sound very considerate and compassionate. Don't let people take advantage of that. Friendship should never be an obligation, it should be a gift. Gifts are offered, not expected

 

[dk168]

If this happens to me, I would lose the work friend by asking her to contribute towards the fuel cost and my time at my normal hourly rate as it is out of my way.
Another idea would be to stay longer at work so as to avoid leaving at the same time as her.
Imaginary social event straight after work may work too.
If these don't work, then I would say no point blank.

DK

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

Honesty is always the best policy. Continued success to you both.

cheers--Sharon

 

[seaurchin]

I am glad this worked out @nala - the fact that she got upset was the most surprising thing about the post for me since you were the one doing her a favor. This reminded me of how at the start of the school year, a colleague (who I don't even know! she works at my university but I have only met her a couple of times) learned that our kids attended the same school. She asked if I wouldn't mind picking up her kid in the afternoon and then either driving her kid to the university or to my home and she would pick her kid up from my home. Her class conflicted with pickup time. I was really baffled. I had to tell her no (I mean I don't want the liability of driving someone's kid - what if I got in an accident?! The kid is 12 and mine is 6, not like they could play together easily - and then if I wanted to go somewhere after school with my kid like the library or park, what then?). Anyway it was soooooooo awkward because I still felt so guilty, and also frustrated that she put me in that position of saying no.

I was regularly asked for this kind of thing when I stayed home with little ones. To watch someone's child every school day morning and/or afternoon, or full time in the summer. Or just occasionally if their child was sick at school, had the day off school when the parent didn't or etc. Other types of favors too, a few times a year.

Sometimes they offered to pay me and other times they didn't, and sometimes either way they'd get an attitude when turned down. But I had my hands full already and also a husband with irregular work hours, so our family time and his required sleep times varied too.

I know it's tough for working parents to juggle kids and such, which is one reason I decided to stay home myself for a few years. But we made that decision for our family, not so I could be general on-call assistant to the whole neighborhood. (And it wouldn't go both ways since I didn't like to leave my kids with anyone I didn't know well. Not that I recall it ever being offered anyway).

I finally just started saying no. I hardly knew these women but if I'd help them out once, I seemed to become their go-to person. Also, there were so many of them where I lived at the time, yikes. I think it was the right choice but it still doesn't feel great to refuse to help someone out, even all these years later lol. Maybe it's hardwired into us, who knows.

 

[lala646]

@nala, I work in a very small office in midtown Manhattan. I live in Brooklyn. One of my dear co-workers now lives 4 short blocks from me. She offers me rides to/from work when SHE feels like it. I don't press her for invites, and I have no expectations of her to provide me with rides. Ever. And when she does give me a ride, I tip the parking garage attendant on her behalf, as a thank you. I would be mortified if she ever felt I was treating her like a chauffer. I hope your friend expresses appropriate appreciation in the future.

 

[kenny]

Just say no.
You are not selfish and spoiled.

You were taught shame and guilt and lower self-worth in order to manipulate and control you.
Unlearn that, and take back the reins of your life.

I'd also get better friends who don't pull this crap.

 

[HS4S_2]

I think boundaries are so important. I have an example....I drive my daughter 96 minutes (each way) to train with her equestrian trainer 5 or 6 days a week. We are on the road 18 hours a week just for that. So occasionally the trainers daughter would ask my daughter to ride an extra horse (we have 2). To by nice my daughter would. Then it was 2 horses and then 3. Or can you stay to help with this or that. It became a problem because now not only am I on the road that much but my whole day is taken from 7 am until evening. I had to make clear boundaries because it was getting out of hand. I learned my lesson. It's seems if you give a little people take a mile.

 

[SomethingNew]

You were taught shame and guilt and lower self-worth in order to manipulate and control you.

Oh gosh, that's so Joy Luck Club! That's how I was taught.

@nala NO you are not selfish, you are considerate and want to be understood. 30 mins is a lot of time in your life that you don't have, and Everyday, that's crazy!

kudos to you for addressing the issue in a very polite and courteous manner. i don't think she was taking advantage of you, maybe just went beyond your comfort zone. I think with this mutual understanding, it would help to maintain your professional and friendly relationship with her at work.