What would you do? kind of long post...

[scarleta]

I have a g-friend who often gives me little gifts from her travel etc.She is very kind and thoughtful person.So I try to get her something in return.The problem is that she calls me the next day or even on the same day to tell me she does not like it???? Do I want it back? Believe me I tried everything, but nothing ever is right for her.
I try very hard and often go out of my way to get her something so very special and sometimes hard to find,but it gets rejected.
I thought maybe a gift certificate to her favorite store would do a trick,well that did not help either and I got it back. Yes I got it back!!! So I got myself a nice gift there and its kind of like a gift from her because it was meant for her.No big deal , but it hurts.
She is a very nice person so after years of trying I have decided not to ever get her anything at all.
The question is do I keep accepting gifts from her or do I say I don''t need it ( kind of rude !!!)
I would prefer not to ever say that the reason I won''t take it is because I can''t reciprocate.
Any suggestions? I know that I can''t take another rejection so no I can''t give her anything in the future.
thanks

 

[cbs102]

I would not accept the gifts... and i WOULD explain why... i am very outspoken so i would kindly tell her that by refusing ALL of your gifts you feel hurt and that you just would not feel comfotable accepting gifts from her in the future,.

 

[dragonfly411]

Scarleta - I agree. I would explain to her that over the years she has been very thoughtful, and you have tried to be so in return, but you feel as though she doesn''t accept your thoughtfulness and you aren''t able to accept any from her as you feel you aren''t able to find a way to reciprocate back.

 

[joflier]

Perhaps that''s her way of being humble? I think the truth lies beyond "she doesn''t like it", because no one can not like a gift card! Or perhaps she was never gifted things throughout life and just simply does not know how to accept generosity, with the exception of bestowing it on others? That''s kinda a stumper.

 

[bee*]

I would probably say it to her that you feel hurt and see what she says. I don''t think that there would really be a way to stop accepting her gifts without explaining why. Otherwise if she insists on getting you gifts still, then let her and don''t get her anything.

 

[neatfreak]

Bizarre....I have to say I don''t even know what to suggest. Why would she refuse all your gifts? Is it a cultural thing or something we are not understanding?

 

[scarleta]

Thanks guys I knew I could rely on you.
Cbs:I did tell her in the past that it hurts me a lot.That did not help.
Dragon Fly:As I said above I did tell her already how hurt I felt.
Jolifier:Humble she is not.You got it

"Perhaps that''s her way of being humble? I think the truth lies beyond "she doesn''t like it", because no one can not like a gift card! Or perhaps she was never gifted things throughout life and just simply does not know how to accept generosity, with the exception of bestowing it on others? That''s kinda a stumper."
Yes I know she also had a problem accepting gifts from her kids.There is more to it ,and I think you are on the right track.

Thanks Bee: The gifts I get from her are dropped to me , so I have no prior knowledge.I have to muster some courage, I don''t want to hurt her feelings.I think there is more to it , and I don''t want to call her to give her notification " no more gifts"
NFreak:
"Bizarre....I have to say I don''t even know what to suggest. Why would she refuse all your gifts? Is it a cultural thing or something we are not understanding?"
You worded it nicely.It has been going on for years and I kind of got used to the rejection, but it it is bizzare to the extreme.
I think there is more to it just like you said.
Thanks to everyone:
To sum it up:
I don''t want to call her with notification re: " no more gifts" She is really a nice person and I don''t want to hurt her there is more to it.Her problem is bigger!!
I don''t feel comfortable accepting more from her.
I feel one day sooner or later I will be gifted ( unless I advise her I would prefer to help her with this issue rather than act like her???
So still thinking here...Hoping that perhaps I won''t get any more gifts because with the last gift I really expressed my deep hurt and reminded her that everything I get her is " never good enough"
I hope that she got a message and really hope not to ever get anything from.
I already decided that I will never ever get her a gift!!! Had enough rejections and there is nothing I can get her that would make her happy.
Thanks

 

[scarleta]

Thanks SDL:
"How horrible!!! I have received gifts in the past I haven''t cared for but please.. how horribly RUDE!!!"

I did tell her exactly how I felt.So she knows.
Rude it is, but I know she had problem accepting gifts from her children also.
Few years ago she made a comment: " why getting me this I don''t even like it"
I did not get what she was saying then,just was very surprised , but I do see that there is more to it!!!
I any case there must be another problem deeply rooted.I am trying to be diplomatic here and not to hurt her feelings.
I know I am not getting her any gifts again, but want to be tactful here on how to deal with another gift if it should arrive?

 

[joflier]

How is the nature of your friendship? Like, can you just come out and ask, "You always give me such lovely little things, it would make me so happy to return the favor. Is there a reason you won''t accept a gift from me?" Just lay it out there.

 

[~*Alexis*~]

Its possible that she just likes to give things? She could just want to give you things just because and not because she expects anything in return. For birthdays, xmas just give her cash, no one CANNOT use cash. If she gives you something just accept it and give her a thank you. If she ever asks why you can just say you gave up trying to give her something because you never like it.

 

[scarleta]

Thanks Jolifier

"How is the nature of your friendship? Like, can you just come out and ask, "You always give me such lovely little things, it would make me so happy to return the favor. Is there a reason you won''t accept a gift from me?" Just lay it out there."

That I did exactly said even went as far as saying " how would you feel if I returned your gifts back"
She heard me well and the next day I got the gift back!!!

Thanks Alexis:
"Its possible that she just likes to give things? She could just want to give you things just because and not because she expects anything in return. For birthdays, xmas just give her cash, no one CANNOT use cash. If she gives you something just accept it and give her a thank you. If she ever asks why you can just say you gave up trying to give her something because you never like it."

Actually I was considering to accept gifts with a huge smile and big Thank you.
She would never ask me why I don''t give her anything its not her nature.This may be appropriate and most polite.

 

[cbs102]

i don''t think that politeness should be your main concern. your friend is anything BUT polite. i think that the gift giving should stop on both ends and i would literally say, " i do not feel comfortable exchanging gifts of any kind because for some reason or another you feel uncomfortable on the recieving end. it does not hve to end your friendship..but bottom line. she is hurting your feelings... so just don''t accept.

 

[snowflakeluvr]

gosh, this is a weird one, and it''s a shame because it does feel bad to give and have the receiver reject(my mom does it) even tho you don''t want to accept any more gifts, i would send a gorgeous floral arrangement to her with a card that says "your friendship has been a wonderful gift to me!" because she can''t very well "send back" a delivery from a florist. i agree-she has issues if she will never receive from anyone, even her kids...

 

[strmrdr]

I know someone like this and all you can do is accept the gifts because even if you say no your going to get them or end the friendship.
I don''t really understand it but it is what it is.

Take her out to dinner or a show and pay for it as a return gift and enjoy what she gives you.

 

[kcoursolle]

Have you tried asking her what she would like? Then she won''t have an excuse to give it back to you. Another thought would be to take her out to lunch instead of buying her something or to bake her cookies or something along those lines. If none of these ideas work...just get her small gifts that you would also like to receive...since you''ll be getting them back...and always save your receipt. You might also want to consider attaching the receipt to the gift you are giving her and having her return it instead of giving it back to you.

 

[scarleta]

Thanks CBS: Well said "
"would not feel comfortable accepting gifts from her in the future,."
Because I strongly feel that there is another reason for her behavior I''d rather try to help out.Most likely won''t succeed at it.??? But?
Snowflakeluvr:
"gosh, this is a weird one, and it''s a shame because it does feel bad to give and have the receiver reject(my mom does it) even tho you don''t want to accept any more gifts, i would send a gorgeous floral arrangement to her with a card that says "your friendship has been a wonderful gift to me!" because she can''t very well "send back" a delivery from a florist. i agree-she has issues if she will never receive from anyone, even her kids..."
I like this idea ( the worse case scenario ) I will enjoy the flowers myself.It may be worth a try.Sorry you have same problem with your mom that must be hard.
Storm:

I know someone like this and all you can do is accept the gifts because even if you say no your going to get them or end the friendship.
I don''t really understand it but it is what it is.

Take her out to dinner or a show and pay for it as a return gift and enjoy what she gives you.
Thanks for that.Another great suggestion.I have to let her choose the place,so I won''t get the blamed ( just in case)
Problem solved so I think because I can implement those ideas and it may be more difficult for her to reject it once more.

Thanks you guys are always so resourceful.

 

[scarleta]

KC:"Have you tried asking her what she would like?"
Thanks yes I have tried that many times to no avail.Always get the same answer " what''s there to get I don''t need anything"

I must say I do feel sorry for her kids and her husband too.As I recall in the past he got criticized for things he bought.( only now I am connecting the pieces) Poor soul.

 

[somehowcollide]

I wonder if she has some sort of control issue? By always giving the gift she is leaving you indebted to her, by returning the gift she is again in charge (and again, leaving you with the burden.) She sounds like the type of person who always has to "one-up," but I could be incorrect.

She may get pleasure from being generous and gifting. And she may resent that anyone else receive that same pleasure from gifting something to her. It could be a strange ego-superiority thing.

 

[scarleta]

Thanks SomehowC:
"I wonder if she has some sort of control issue? By always giving the gift she is leaving you indebted to her, by returning the gift she is again in charge (and again, leaving you with the burden.) She sounds like the type of person who always has to "one-up," but I could be incorrect.

She may get pleasure from being generous and gifting. And she may resent that anyone else receive that same pleasure from gifting something to her. It could be a strange ego-superiority thing."

You know I was wondering about it too.I have a suspicion that you might be just right on this one.Thanks

 

[scarleta]

Snowflakeluvr:

Thought you may wish to know that your tip did work.Thanks a lot.I have more ideas from others who responded,so I will use them also, but for now I feel a bit better because something did not get rejected.

"gosh, this is a weird one, and it''s a shame because it does feel bad to give and have the receiver reject(my mom does it) even tho you don''t want to accept any more gifts, i would send a gorgeous floral arrangement to her with a card that says "your friendship has been a wonderful gift to me!" because she can''t very well "send back" a delivery from a florist. i agree-she has issues if she will never receive from anyone, even her kids..."

I did not get back my delivery.
I just have to somehow figure out how not to feel guilty receiving gifts and not being able to reciprocate.One would not think it should be difficult to do, but I don''t find it easy.I will try my best on it.

 

[fieryred33143]

Your post made me LOL. I just pictured her calling and saying "I'm sorry honey but this scarf is hideous, do you want it?" And for some reason in a southern accent...

I would keep accepting the gifts to be honest. She's doing it out of pure kindness, obviously not even expecting anything in return. Not accepting the gift may be seen as an insult to her. And in the meantime, you don't have to get her anything OR you can call her ahead of time before a trip and just ask what she would like (or before a holiday/birthday and ask what she would like).

My FI's mother is like this. She won't flat out say she doesn't like it but she'll say "I don't get it." My pleasure is gift giving. I make a lot of effort in wrapping the gift and picking it out and making it hard to get the gift (like using 5 boxes for one thing or hiding one special gift in ordinary gifts). But with her, it isn't well received and that's ok. For Christmas/Mother's Day/birthday, we simply pick her up and take her shopping.

P.S. I obviously don't agree with telling her you don't accept the gifts or even telling her why. There's really no need to make this an issue. She's a great giver but not a good receiver and that's ok (and frankly better for you

)

 

[Skippy123]

Oh gosh Scarleta, I understand what you are talking about. I use to work with someone like that; people would do something nice and this woman would Always complain. One day I got so fed up (since it happened over and over again and it always brought everyone down) and because someone went out of their way to bring in 3 dozen donuts but she didn't like any of them and said it. I could only take so much of her rudeness and I told her eat a donut and don't complain and she didn't thinks she was being rude; I was embarrassed I said that but it gave me an insight into this womans thinking!! I would just accept her gift, write her a nice thank you card but not send her a gift in return due to her behavior. I agree with Storm/Karl, if you go out to eat just pick of the tab sometime but not every time; just once in awhile and tell her it is a thank you for always thinking of you. Not sure what else to say but I think people like that are "just that way." Sort of self indulged and live in their own little world where they don't know how to say something nice in return. I am sorry and send you a hug, but don't be hurt. It really is something wrong with her and NOT you!

 

[Miranda]

Ditto Karl and Skippy. The idea of picking up the tab for dinner or a movie is fab!

My dad is like this. He loves giving gifts, but, he is a very ungracious recipient. He now gets Lowe''s gift cards for EVERY occasion.

 

[scarleta]

fieryred3314

"And in the meantime, you don''t have to get her anything OR you can call her ahead of time before a trip and just ask what she would like (or before a holiday/birthday and ask what she would like)."
Thanks a lot.I have tried in the past to ask what she would like but it does not work because she says she does not need or want anything.I do not intend ever to refuse a gift from her no matter what.

Thanks Skippy: glad to have you back here.

You are absolutely right I have no problem receiving gifts so I won''t refuse anything.Karl''s idea is great about taking her out.I have done it in the past , but she somehow gets to pay before I realize it.I have to have a plan and get it first before she gets a chance to do it.Thanks Skip.


Thanks Miranda:

"Ditto Karl and Skippy. The idea of picking up the tab for dinner or a movie is fab!

My dad is like this. He loves giving gifts, but, he is a very ungracious recipient. He now gets Lowe''s gift cards for EVERY occasion."
I have to heal from recent rejections before I can gather my strength and courage to take her out and outsmart her in getting to the tab before she does.I have managed to do that very few times because I let her choose the place ( so I can''t be blamed if the food is not quite right)She tends to choose the place where she knows the staff and therefore I suspect she makes arrangements to pay for it.I won''t pick the place in fear of rejection or criticism.Can''t take it anymore.
Thanks you are all a great bunch.

 

[MonkeyPie]

I have a friend like this too, and while weird, it''s just how she is. She cannot accept a gift gracefully, or even at all. So I usually just end up not getting her anything, or I take her to dinner and get the tab. She usually allows that, unless I take her someplace expensive.

I think part of it is that she has a lot of money, she doesn''t NEED anything, and she isn''t very material. If I were you, I''d just accept what she gives with a smile and a thank you - she obviously enjoys giving you gifts or she wouldn''t do it at all.

 

[scarleta]

Thanks MonkeyPie:
"I have a friend like this too, and while weird, it''s just how she is. She cannot accept a gift gracefully, or even at all. So I usually just end up not getting her anything, or I take her to dinner and get the tab. She usually allows that, unless I take her someplace expensive.

I think part of it is that she has a lot of money, she doesn''t NEED anything, and she isn''t very material. If I were you, I''d just accept what she gives with a smile and a thank you - she obviously enjoys giving you gifts or she wouldn''t do it at all."

Nice to know that there are more people just like that.I personally have only met one.Thanks and yes I shall just accept what I receive with a huge smile and thank you.