What happens if you do not like the ring?

[Collee]

I know what really matters is the thought and meaning behind the ring but what happens if you truly do not like the ring? It isn't an issue with me as FF has enlisted me to choose the setting and help with the diamond selection. He knows how picky I am about jewelry and warts me to be 110% in love with the ring.

If not the ring of your dreams or even remotely close, would you be candid and honest about your feelings or would you accept joyfully with huge a smile on your face but a lump in your throat and a heavy weight on your heart?

 

[FrekeChild]

If he wants you to love the ring 100%, and you don''t, my bet is that he''ll want you to change it to get exactly what you want.

That''s what happened to me.

 

[crossmyfingers]

I discussed this with a close friend a few days ago. I told her that if SO bought a ring that I didn''t like, he would understand and would want me to get something I did like. I would stay in the same price range, and I would ask him for his opinion, but I would rather have something I like than something I''m unhappy with. I understand the sentiment behind the man picking out the ring on his own, but I know he''d rather it be something I love aesthetically, not just sentimentally. My friend said she felt the same way - and we''ve both already warned the men about it.

 

[HopeDream]

I have nightmares about this sometimes (last time instead of a ring I was a giant ugly record-shaped engagement necklace).

Some women grow to love the rings their BFs pick out, some women stick it in a drawer once they get married, and some women upgrade or re-set on an anniversary.

My BF knows how picky I am, but he''s also got great taste, so I''m not worried. I''m trying to suspend any expectation.

(plus, there''s always the option of designing a fabulous RHR

)

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

You grit your teeth and wear it with pride until you get to wear your wedding band. Then you retire it to your jewelry box with the explanation of it being too nice to wear every day and you don''t want to damage it. Then on your 5th anniversary you suggest an upgrade

 

[Lauren8211]

Throw it back in his face and ask for a re-do?

If it''s not a ring you love, and he stated that he wants you to love it, tell him. I''m sure he''d rather not have you wear a ring you dont even like as a representation of your promise to marry.

 

[vc10um]

Date: 12/1/2009 9:49:52 AM
Author: Hudson_Hawk
You grit your teeth and wear it with pride until you get to wear your wedding band. Then you retire it to your jewelry box with the explanation of it being too nice to wear every day and you don''t want to damage it. Then on your 5th anniversary you suggest an upgrade

Hehe. This made me giggle.

I think I''m in HopeDream''s boat...I''ve had the ugly e-ring dreams. But in the end, A knows my "ideal" ring, as well as several that I like, and ALL of them have been 3-stones...so I''m expecting he''ll get *that* hint. And I know he''ll do all the research he can, so I''m sure he''ll choose a beautiful diamond. And I''ve loved the two pieces of jewelry he''s purchased for me...so I think he''ll do a great job.

But if he doesn''t, it will be difficult to tell him it''s not perfect, but I know he will want it to be and will truly want to know whether it''s perfect, and I''ll be honest.

 

[trillionaire]

Depends on the guy. My FI was really upset when I inquired about modifying just the prongs on my ring, and only to make it easier to clean!

(geez, good thing I love my ring!) He was really offended, which really surprised me, and when I talked to a friend (female) about it, and another guy, they BOTH said that they would be really offended too. I''m the tye of person that wants the other person to be 100% happy, and my perspective is that if I paid for it, whether you chose it or not, I''m the one making you happy!

Apparently, others feel differently.

So tread lightly, but I imagine that as couples, you will encounter other, bigger issues, so, if it''s bugging you, might as well talk it out.

 

[LilyKat]

I would try to avoid it by being involved in choosing the ring.

If he completely surprised me with it, and I hated it, I would be honest, especially if there was a return window. If it was custom and couldn''t be returned or exchanged without a significant loss, I would do my best to get used to it though.

I do think there is something romantic about being surprised with a ring that the guy has chosen all on his own - but only if it''s exactly the right one, and the chances of that are so miniscule I''d rather just be involved in choosing it.

 

[lilyfoot]

Date: 12/1/2009 11:30:31 AM
Author: LilyKat
I would try to avoid it by being involved in choosing the ring.

If he completely surprised me with it, and I hated it, I would be honest, especially if there was a return window. If it was custom and couldn't be returned or exchanged without a significant loss, I would do my best to get used to it though.

I do think there is something romantic about being surprised with a ring that the guy has chosen all on his own - but only if it's exactly the right one, and the chances of that are so miniscule I'd rather just be involved in choosing it.

I have to agree with everything LilyKat said!

Honestly, I don't doubt that my BF has good taste, BUT he's a more "blingy" type of person that I am. There's no way he would've ever bought me "just" a solitaire on his own, but it's what I want

ETA: If he was to propose with a ring that I didn't like, I would only mention it if there was still a return window. Or I may not mention it at all, I'm not really sure. I think it depends on just how bad the ring was ...

 

[Circe]

Date: 12/1/2009 9:49:52 AM
Author: Hudson_Hawk
You grit your teeth and wear it with pride until you get to wear your wedding band. Then you retire it to your jewelry box with the explanation of it being too nice to wear every day and you don''t want to damage it. Then on your 5th anniversary you suggest an upgrade

I like your eyebrow-waggling icons, but honestly, this idea makes me sad. Are there really guys out there with such fragile egos that they''ll be crushed by the suggestion of a reset? Guys who will be SO CRUSHED that it trumps the woman being able to take pleasure in her (her! she is wearing it! or not, as the case may be) e-ring? Sad, I tell you ...

 

[blueberrydot]

Oy - this is something I had to go through recently! In fact, there's a rather lengthy thread over in rocky talky about my situation: Needing Advice on a Sensitive Subject.

Long story short, my FF told me he was going to start looking at rings and he bought one three days later. He knew what I wanted (a radiant cut with side stones), but hated my choice and picked an RB solitaire, something that I thought was nice, but didn't want for myself.

What was especially confounding to me about the purchase was that a year ago, we had agreed that he should propose without an engagement ring and then we would pick one out together after we were engaged. I'm SUPER CRAZY picky and I take a LOOOONG time to make decisions about big purchases and I always change my mind about 50 times before I make any final choices. For example, I think I spent at least two hours at Best Buy hovering over GPS devices before I finally bought one. The salespeople must have thought I was nuts. My FF is the exact opposite - if there is something he needs to get, he doesn't waste any time thinking about it, he just does it. I guess I shouldn't have been surprised that he was so impulsive about the ring purchase, but since we had made a decision together to get engaged without a ring, I was still surprised when he bought it so suddenly, and even more surprised that he didn't even consider buying the type of ring I wanted.

Anyway, we worked it out and found a lovely loose stone - and it's an RB!

He actually did end up buying a radiant cut from Blue Nile and I liked it (and so did he, surprisingly!) but in the end, after actually seeing stones in person and vacillating for a while between radiants, cushions and RBs, I decided that an RB was more "engagement-ish" and that I would like an RB for my engagement ring after all, so we sent the radiant cut back. Doh!

But we're not going to go with a solitaire - I want a half eternity setting so we're going to go and pick one out soon

. The point is that we were able to make this decision together, and not be afraid or nervous that the other person would flip out or be irrational about it. This is a LOT of money to spend on a material item (however sentimental it is) and I'd be really sad if I didn't like my ring enough to never wear it. In fact, I think my FF would be rather annoyed if I didn't wear my engagement ring after he plopped down how many thousands of dollars for it.

What I found interesting was a lot of the surprising reactions to my thread. While there were many people who thought that my FF and I should pick another ring that we could both be happy with, several people indicated that there was something either wrong with me (for wanting something other than what I was given), my FF (for not getting me what I wanted), or us as a couple (for being in this situation in the first place...?). I absolutely understand the sentiment that a gift should be received with good grace. However, I think that the closer two people are, the easier it should be to be honest with each other about anything. For example, a friend once gave me a top for my birthday present that I knew she had originally bought on clearance for herself, so it was non-returnable. When it arrived (she had bought it online), she told me she didn't like it at all. She also knew that *I* didn't like it, because she had asked me for my opinion before she bought it, and I told her I didn't care for it. When she actually GAVE IT TO ME for my BIRTHDAY, I was a little appalled that she had pawned her castoff on me as a gift, when she knew I didn't like it, and when we aren't even the same size! But I didn't say a word to her about it. However, if, say, my sister (who I am extremely close to) tried to pull that kind of stunt I would definitely tell her that's not cool. I mean, she would NEVER do something like that, but I know I could be honest with her about how I felt about it if she did because we have no problem keeping it real, so to speak. Similarly, my boyfriend and I have never been anything but honest and open with each other. So when he bought me a ring that he knew I would probably not like, I felt totally fine with telling him that I'd rather have something else. There were NEVER any bad feelings between us regarding the ring. Sure, I was disappointed when he told me he bought me an RB solitaire and sure, he was disappointed that I didn't like it. But we worked it out (quite easily, actually) and now we're both totally happy with what we have decided on for my future engagement ring. It's really much better this way.

However, if there had been no return policy with his ring, I'm pretty sure that I would have just kept the stone, but asked for a different setting. Thank GOD my FF specifically bought from Blue Nile because of the return policy.

ugh, this was so long. I always talk too much

 

[mariewest]

This is something that I have recently begun to worry about. I''m not picky, I have showen SO many different types of pictures of styles that I like. I told him what type of cut and carat size I would like it to be around, and to get the setting in white gold. The choice is really up to him in the end. I''m concern that the setting might be too high. I like the lower settings that won''t get in the way easily. I also don''t like a six prong setting, I perfer the four prong setting. Maybe because it''s been a while since we really talked about it. Summer of 2008 he was looking, but hasn''t since (to my knowledge.) I guess if he does get something like I''m not in love with, we can go and get it changed. After all I''m going to be wearing it for the rest of my life, I should like it. I would love to go ring shopping with SO, but I don''t think he''s interested in doing so. To him, it''s his responsibility to pick out the ring and pay for it and then propose.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

With my husband...had he picked something I didn''t like...I would have just come clean with it.

Engagement rings are really expensive...and it''s a total waste of money if it''s not something I would wear. I would like to think that my husband would prefer a little ego blow and then long term happiness to the pride of picking something out I''d never wear. Honestly really is the best policy.

 

[luckynumber]

it''ll never happen for me, because we have decided to get engaged without a diamond (and buy one together later)

i''m hoping he will propose with a ''dummy'', and use a coloured gemstone instead (i''d love a pink tourmaline!!)

this way, i can both get the e-ring of my dreams, and use the gemstone for a keepsake ring.

mind you, he could propose with anything, a washer, a donut, an inflatable floating ring....he''s full of surprises and i love that!

 

[monkeyprincess]

Good question. My boyfriend and I went to look at rings together, so he got to know what I liked (a cushion with pave). There was one that I liked the basic style of, but the band was too thin for my taste. Fast forward a month, and I find out my boyfriend ordered a custom ring from the jeweler. I have a feeling he had the one ring I liked replicated but with a wider band.
I cannot remember for the life of me exactly what it looked like, so I have been looking at pictures of rings on here and trying to get a mental image of it. Now I''m a little worried that after seeing so many pictures, my ring is not going to live up to my expectations. However, after all the trouble my boyfriend probably went through to try to get it just right, I could never let on my disappointment. It would hurt his feelings. Besides, if the ring is anything close to what I remember, I''m going to LOVE it.

 

[wsu12]

Date: 12/1/2009 9:49:52 AM
Author: Hudson_Hawk
You grit your teeth and wear it with pride until you get to wear your wedding band. Then you retire it to your jewelry box with the explanation of it being too nice to wear every day and you don''t want to damage it. Then on your 5th anniversary you suggest an upgrade

Good idea. Most men want to buy an e-ring that their significant other with enjoy...

 

[Jessie702]

This is a very good question. Personally, i dont see my SO buying a ring that i dont like. Espically since ive showed a million times, but if it did happen, i would just tell him, and i know he would be hurt, since he picked it himself, but i also know he wants me to wear something im proud of, and wouldnt mind doing a quick upgrade to something i like.

 

[girlygirl29]

I personally don''t see this as an issue as I picked out my setting. I suppose there could be minor details that could be reworked like having the basket set lower and if thats the case I KNOW he would want me to have it exactly how I want it. It''s a huge investment of money and he would do the same if it were the other way around.


The only pitfall is that there are some many amazing rings you see here on PS that it makes you have a million favorites!!

 

[Collee]

Just to clarify, the not loving the ring is not going to be an issue for me as I am selecting the setting. Was just curious to hear opinions.

 

[jewelz617]

Well, is any part of the ring salvageable? Perhaps the stone can be reset? Maybe you could make a graceful transition into a new ring by presenting it as a "few minor adjustments?"

Another good way to dance around the "My ring makes me want to hurl/cry/head towards the border" conversation is to blame it on you. Example:

This ring is so beautiful, but the setting is a tad awkward on my hand and I keep hitting it on things. I don''t want to ruin it so I''ve been thinking about having it reset.

I love the ring, but it clashes a bit with my other jewelry. Would you mind if I looked at a few different options so my collection remains cohesive?

If all else fails, smile and tell him you love it. Hold out for an upgrade. Remember your tastes might change and the ring could grow on you. I used to despise yellow gold until I realized how well it complements my rosy skin tone. Give it a few weeks (unless of course the return policy is time sensitive).

 

[Brown.Eyed.Girl]

Date: 12/1/2009 11:55:05 AM
Author: lilyfoot

Date: 12/1/2009 11:30:31 AM

Author: LilyKat

I would try to avoid it by being involved in choosing the ring.


If he completely surprised me with it, and I hated it, I would be honest, especially if there was a return window. If it was custom and couldn't be returned or exchanged without a significant loss, I would do my best to get used to it though.


I do think there is something romantic about being surprised with a ring that the guy has chosen all on his own - but only if it's exactly the right one, and the chances of that are so miniscule I'd rather just be involved in choosing it.

I have to agree with everything LilyKat said!


Honestly, I don't doubt that my BF has good taste, BUT he's a more 'blingy' type of person that I am. There's no way he would've ever bought me 'just' a solitaire on his own, but it's what I want

ETA: If he was to propose with a ring that I didn't like, I would only mention it if there was still a return window. Or I may not mention it at all, I'm not really sure. I think it depends on just how bad the ring was ...

My best friend has the exact same problem. She wants a solitaire, he wants to get her a halo, blingy ring. She told him this, and apparently he didn't listen.

So the first time I met the guy, at our other friend's wedding, she asked me to sit him down and tell exactly what she wants (on our first meeting!), and I did. And prob scared him out of his mind, lol. I did tell him that if insisted on getting her what she didn't want, she will eventually come to me to help her reset it, so why waste the effort and energy?

ETA: Our other friend who got married recently - she wanted a solitaire, her now husband was captivated by the symbolism of a three-stone (past, present, future, etc) and got her that (knowing she wanted a solitaire). My friend's not a crazy jewelry person like me, so it didn't bother her as much but I know that eventually she will want to get another ring (he would be hurt if she wanted to upgrade).

 

[Liane]

I love my ring, as well I should, because I picked it out. But now, a year later, I have succumbed to the dread PS disease of resetting... and will probably embark on a serious reset project in a couple of months.

And FI is completely cool with that. He doesn''t care, he just wants me to be happy, and I love him a lot for it. Granted, it might be easier because I picked it out in the first place so he doesn''t have much ego tied up in the "omg she doesn''t like what I chose" part, but still, this is the ring he gave me and I''m taking it apart. If he had picked the ring out himself and chosen something I didn''t like, I''d have done the same thing: told him and fixed it to my own liking, using my own money for the changes.

Best guy. Knows I''m crazy, doesn''t get in the way.

 

[Ashley21]

This sort of happened to me. I told BF I liked a ritani and we went looking and he didn''t really like it. We went to this one place and found a different setting he liked and I liked too (but not as much as the ritani). He asked me, and with lots of pressure from sales people, I said i totally LOVED this other ring.

I found a receipt later and he had bought the different setting we found. I told him I liked the Ritani better but I was so happy he got something. He was very offended that I didn''t like what he got, and since neither of us have alot of money he probably coun''t afford anything else anyway (especially a ritani).

I''ve brought up the subject of just looking at other rings or "oh look at the ring I found today" and it just bothers him. I don''t want to make him sad and i DO like the ring he got. I guess we can''t all get our dream ring. I eventually said that I love the ring he got because he liked it to and it was definitely an alternative dream ring, which is true, and this seems much better than creating tension over something that is suppose to be special.

So I would say it depends on the man. I didn''t think my BF would be so upset, but I can understand that he thought I really liked it and we picked it out and he actually bought it for me then I say, "I like something better?" I can understand both sides.

 

[Collee]

Date: 12/2/2009 3:03:48 PM
Author: jewelz617
Well, is any part of the ring salvageable? Perhaps the stone can be reset? Maybe you could make a graceful transition into a new ring by presenting it as a ''few minor adjustments?''

Another good way to dance around the ''My ring makes me want to hurl/cry/head towards the border'' conversation is to blame it on you. Example:

This ring is so beautiful, but the setting is a tad awkward on my hand and I keep hitting it on things. I don''t want to ruin it so I''ve been thinking about having it reset.

I love the ring, but it clashes a bit with my other jewelry. Would you mind if I looked at a few different options so my collection remains cohesive?

If all else fails, smile and tell him you love it. Hold out for an upgrade. Remember your tastes might change and the ring could grow on you. I used to despise yellow gold until I realized how well it complements my rosy skin tone. Give it a few weeks (unless of course the return policy is time sensitive).

Great suggestions!

Again, this is not and will not be my issue (i am selecting the setting

). Just wanted to throw out the what-if situation.

Elledizzy5 - are you being sarcastic or serious with the "throw it back in his face and ask for a re-do? i am assuming the forner but if the latter, WOW, a bit harsh.