Wedding called off...

[Cupcake*Muffin]

BC--I''m so sorry. I can''t add anything since all the previous posters said what I would have said. Good luck, take care of yourself, and make yourself a priority.

 

[Hest88]

Many hugs to you. I know you''re hurting right now and wonder when the anger will come. Well, let me say that if you want to borrow some of mine until yours kicks in, I have plenty to spare! Just reading about how it all went down made me want to scream at him and his family. Ugh, you totally deserve someone more...everything! As others have said, you deserve a real man, and he definitely wasn''t it.

I also agree you shouldn''t have to return the ring. He''s the one who broke the promise so the ring is yours. Re-set it, put it in a pendant, and hopefully someday you can just enjoy your rock as a pretty thing.

 

[Amanda.Rx]

Woah! I''m so sorry this all happened. His family sounds impossible & he''s obviously not the right man for you if he just left. Run away from that- and never look back! I would definitely count it as a loss (and even a blessing in disguise) and move on.

 

[nkarma]

I am also really sorry this is happening. Like others and yourself have stated, better now than 5 years from now. You got to see how he and his family are and in a few months will likely thank god everyday that you dodged that. Good news is you found out major differences in religion, family, and culture are very very hard to overcome.

As far as most of your stuff, yes you can sell it but you can probably wait. What I wouldn't wait on is getting him to commit and pay for half of whatever deposits you lost for the wedding. If there is a return date on your rings or anything else that hasn't expired, I would return asap. I remember you were borrowing money from your mom for the wedding, so you should take him to court if need be if there was a verbal agreement that both of you were to pay her back.

Do take time to cry and grieve...this is such an awful situation...we are all rooting for you.

 

[HappyNewLife]

omg. I am so happy for you that you didn''t marry into that NUTJOB family. Screw that shit, it would be a lifetime of misery and meddling. Too bad your ex was such a mama''s boy and couldn''t think for himself, but this is SO SO SO much better for your future.

I am, however, truly sorry that you''re hurting. I wish I could give you a big hug.

 

[oddoneout]

I agree with others that you are better off not putting up with all the issues. Stay strong.

 

[Kaleigh]

Whoa, so sorry BC. I am at a loss for words, after reading your post. I think you dodged a big bullet here...

You may not see that now but will later on.

And FWIW, I think you were most respectful to them. Way more so than I would have been!!!!

 

[that_someone_special]

HUGS to you!!!

 

[onedrop]

My goodness! I am so sorry to read about the canellation of the wedding, but you sound like you are handling things well. Although it seems like you may end up the winner in all of this. I know that may be hard to see at this point, but I am certainly hoping that things turn out great for you. {{{hugs}}}

 

[MakingTheGrade]

Aw, :HUGS:!! You sound like an incredibly strong and level headed woman, and no doubts that one day you''ll be out with an amazing man, drinking wine, and laughing together about the idiot-child you almost married.

 

[Jessie702]

Im not a BIW, but a Liw and i can tell you right now hon....YOU ARE A STRONG, BEATIFUL, SMART WOMAN AND DESERVE TO BE TREATED AS ONE. If this F**ker isnt man enough to leave you and tell you the right and let it get this far, than you dont want or need him. (Sorry, im angry for you)...my mom has a saying.....I CAN DO BAD ALL MY OWN.......i know it hurts now, but thing happen for a reason,...im agine the pain you would have felt say if your were pregnant, or had kids. Personally i would keep the ring, since it was his promise to you, and he broke it....better yet....sale or pawn it. I would openly tell him, i pawned it, or you can keep it, and than have the diamond/s sent off to make you a new sparkly that YOU want, and what YOU like. Please keep us updated, and let us know how you are doing.....im sending lost of prayers your way

(((((((Hugs))))))

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

I am so sorry. Dificult ILs make everything harder. You do not want a man who is not your biggest ally.

It has been a while since I was broken up with and it hurts. It was sudden and unexpected like yours and those take longer to get angry. Give yourself time. Personally, I would listen to angry music, exercise hard and think of everything he did I couldn''t stand, but remember to do so you can let it go, not to keep being angry.

As for everything else like facebook, when I had this problem, I just put it all in a folder with "other" as the name so I didn''t have to deal with it. Get everything canceled, then anything that can''t be, like the dresses, give to a friend or your mom to hold onto unto you are in a place where you are ready to deal with it.

Personally, I like the idea of someone else contacting him for the stuff, the more you talk to him, the more you give yourself conflicting emotions.

If you are feeling evil, take heart in the fact that he gets to spend the rest of his life with his parents rather than you and pity him.

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

Oh man! What a crappy situation to be in right now but i agree with everyone that said it is definately for the best and i think you dodged more than a bullet, i think you dodged your whole life in a war with these people. I have to admit i suspected something like this may have happened when they turned up from your previous story about the alcohol and the wedding and how they were already running the show. Seriously, your life will be so much better without him.

Take the time to heal and grieve and to get to know yourself again. Since you already had the time off is there any chance you could take a girlfriend on your planned honeymoon (or somewhere else if you couldn''t handle that) the break would do you the world of good.

I agree in letting friends and family members take care of getting your belongings back. Seriously, have no contact with this boy becasue i bet as soon as his parents have left the country he will come crawling back.

 

[ArtistJess]

Date: 5/21/2010 10:03:33 AM
Author: monkeyprincess
Wow, I''m really sorry. It doesn''t sound like he is ready to be married yet if his parents still have that much influence over him.

this.

so, so sorry.

 

[yssie]

Oh goodness, beadchick, what a tale!


I'm so sorry, you must be hurting so much

I also think you dodged a bullet here though. I'm Indian, my family has the same ways of thinking but they're much less - extremist: in that culture even when you marry your first duty is to your parents and blood-family, and you remain your parents' child first and foremost - if he's not saying not setting boundaries NOW he never will, and you will never be his first priority (as you should be!). You deserve someone who is capable of behaving like an adult and standing up for himself and his intended wife.

 

[Indylady]

Date: 5/22/2010 1:27:14 AM
Author: yssie
Oh goodness, beadchick, what a tale!



I''m so sorry, you must be hurting so much

I also think you dodged a bullet here though. I''m Indian, my family has the same ways of thinking but they''re much less - extremist: in that culture even when you marry your first duty is to your parents and blood-family, and you remain your parents'' child first and foremost - if he''s not saying not setting boundaries NOW he never will, and you will never be his first priority (as you should be!). You deserve someone who is capable of behaving like an adult and standing up for himself and his intended wife.

I''m not Indian, but I''m from a similar culture. I am so sorry you are going through this time, but so thankful that you didn''t marry this man. Imagine a lifetime similar to those two weeks; its enough to make me shudder. Insulting your religion is where it crossed the line for me; it absolutely infuriates me is that they''d have the audacity to insult your religion.

I am so sorry, and I hope that you will take care of yourself through this time. Please let us know if you''re down! I can commiserate entirely; I have two cousins whose relationships were decimated by parental influence...one was married and the second engaged. I''m sending lots of love and healing dust your way!

 

[loriken214]

Date: 5/21/2010 12:58:46 PM
Author: princessplease
BC, I am so sorry this happened to you on what was to be a joyous time in your life. Nothing any of us can say will make the pain more bearable, however, you will get through this and be a stronger woman afterwards. Take this time to greive, be mad, upset, angry, whatever you need to do for you.
But I do agree with everyone else in that thankfully, this happened now, and not 5 years from now, with children and shared assets.

::HUGE HUGS::

My thoughts, too! Take care of YOU....surround yourself with positive people who will support you no matter what. Let your feelings out and get mad when you''re ready to get mad.

I wish all the best for you....and am SO thankful that you didn''t marry this person and end up tormented. You weren''t marrying FI, you were getting the entire family on your wedding day.

Great big hugs!

Lori

 

[mrscushion]

I am really, really sorry beadchick, for all you are going through. I can just reiterate what others have said -- what a huge bullet you''ve dodged. Imagine annual parental visits to the States for weeks at a time with these guys!

I think you are an amazingly strong woman with a lot of spunk and I know you will work through this.

 

[luckynumber]

i''m very sorry that you are hurting but NOT sorry at all that you got out of that toxic situation.

that man was not worthy of you.

that family was not healthy for you.

that life would not have been peaceful and joyous for you.

BIG HUGS.

 

[kama_s]

Oh my goodness, honey. As soon as I read the parents came from India, I knew it had to be them. This is one of the biggest reasons I refused to date or marry an Indian guy. The mothers are meddling and god-awful. If you look at the media culture in India, every single TV show is about mother-in-laws ruining the lives of the daughter-in-law. I kid you not. This IS the norm, I don''t care if anyone else here with some Indian exposure flames me for saying this. But ask anyone coming directly from India. You will not find one odd person that disagrees with my assessment.

I know you''re hurting right now, and I can''t begin to imagine the pain you''re going through. But all I''m going to say is: you freakin'' dodged a bullet there. His parents would never change, there would''ve been conflict ALL. THE. TIME. And the worst part? INDIAN BOYS ALWAYS PUT THEIR FAMILY FIRST. You would never become his priority. His loyalty would always be with his mother, he would''ve packed up at the drop of a hat. Better now than 5 years down the road with a child in tow.

Forget the douchebag. The best revenge is leading a good, peaceful life. He would NEVER be happy - his mother will always fill his ears and stir up drama. Too bad he left his big-boy panties at his mother''s doorstep.

HUGE hugs.

 

[Cehrabehra]

wow. just wow.
I am SO sorry for you that you are ending your long term relationship and your plans to spend a lifetime with this man.... but I cannot help but be SO happy for you that you don''t have to deal with those people as inlaws the rest of your life - good GRIEF they''re among the worst!

 

[Prana]

Everyone else had some very good advice and said some very very helpful things.

Beadchick, you know you will survive this, and the negative emotions you are living through right now are only temporary. You will move on from this quickly, and will be on to better things before you know it! Keep your spirits up, and just know that you are amazing!

 

[VRBeauty]

Beadchick: I wish I had answers for your questions but I don't -- all I know is that you will make it through this and come out stronger and happier.

I think your response to your patients is spot-on. Much better now than five hellish years from now!

 

[ilovesparkles]

Date: 5/21/2010 12:12:33 PM
Author: Steal
Sorry Beadchick.


1. IMHO Do not return that ring unless you are Court ordered.


2. There are stages of grief, as you prob. know, you are more than likely still in denial. Don''t force your emotions; they will come. You are experiencing a death of a kind; the death of your relationship.

1. Denial – ''I feel fine.''; ''This can''t be happening, not to me.''
   
   Denial is usually only a temporary defense for the individual. This feeling is generally replaced with heightened awareness of situations and individuals that will be left behind after death.
   
2. Anger – ''Why me? It''s not fair!''; ''How can this happen to me?''; ''Who is to blame?''
   
   Once in the second stage, the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue. Because of anger, the person is very difficult to care for due to misplaced feelings of rage and envy. Any individual that symbolizes life or energy is subject to projected resentment and jealousy.
   
3. Bargaining – ''Just let me live to see my children graduate.''; ''I''ll do anything for a few more years.''; ''I will give my life savings if...''
   
   The third stage involves the hope that the individual can somehow postpone or delay death. Usually, the negotiation for an extended life is made with a higher power in exchange for a reformed lifestyle. Psychologically, the individual is saying, ''I understand I will die, but if I could just have more time...''
   
4. Depression – ''I''m so sad, why bother with anything?''; ''I''m going to die... What''s the point?''; ''I miss my loved one, why go on?''
   
   During the fourth stage, the dying person begins to understand the certainty of death. Because of this, the individual may become silent, refuse visitors and spend much of the time crying and grieving. This process allows the dying person to disconnect oneself from things of love and affection. It is not recommended to attempt to cheer up an individual who is in this stage. It is an important time for grieving that must be processed.
   
5. Acceptance – ''It''s going to be okay.''; ''I can''t fight it, I may as well prepare for it.''
   
   In this last stage, the individual begins to come to terms with their mortality or that of their loved one.

You may both already know this, but the stages do not necessarily happen in that order. People go through them in their own personal order. You also may never experience all of the stages. You may never get angry, but my guess, is that in this situation, you will. If not with him, definitely with his parents.

CM - I do not even have words to try and console you. I would personally leave him a message with explicit instructions of what you want/MUST have back, such as your grandma''s china! If you want, you can go so far as to give him a deadline and threaten legal action if it is not returned by then.

I am so sorry this is all happening to you, and at such a time so close to the wedding. His parents and his actions are inexcusable. I am angry for you! What others have said is better than anything I could ever put together in a cohesive thought. My heart pours out to you! Keep us updated as you can and are emotionally able. You can go through all five stages right here with us. But if you cannot continue on, here on this part of PS, we will all understand. I dropped off the face of PS after my first ex and I broke it off, as a LIW. Big HUGS! Keep yourself at the forefront and your health the most important priority right now. I would be one to go on the honeymoon by myself and take the me time. Perhaps you should think about doing that. Why the hell not! You deserve it!

{{{{{HUGS}}}}}

 

[luckynumber]

Date: 5/22/2010 11:18:04 AM
Author: kama_s
Oh my goodness, honey. As soon as I read the parents came from India, I knew it had to be them. This is one of the biggest reasons I refused to date or marry an Indian guy. The mothers are meddling and god-awful. If you look at the media culture in India, every single TV show is about mother-in-laws ruining the lives of the daughter-in-law. I kid you not. This IS the norm, I don''t care if anyone else here with some Indian exposure flames me for saying this. But ask anyone coming directly from India. You will not find one odd person that disagrees with my assessment.

I know you''re hurting right now, and I can''t begin to imagine the pain you''re going through. But all I''m going to say is: you freakin'' dodged a bullet there. His parents would never change, there would''ve been conflict ALL. THE. TIME. And the worst part? INDIAN BOYS ALWAYS PUT THEIR FAMILY FIRST. You would never become his priority. His loyalty would always be with his mother, he would''ve packed up at the drop of a hat. Better now than 5 years down the road with a child in tow.

Forget the douchebag. The best revenge is leading a good, peaceful life. He would NEVER be happy - his mother will always fill his ears and stir up drama. Too bad he left his big-boy panties at his mother''s doorstep.

HUGE hugs.

Ok I have to respond to this.

I am indian and marrying an indian guy (from "back home"). He treats me like a queen. His mother is fantastic and we get on like a house on fire. I don''t have to ask my SO when he''s going to propose, she does it herself!!

I wouldn''t make such ridiculously sweeping statements about an entire culture.

And my FSIL and FBIL are both marrying caucasians and my FMIL couldn''t be more thrilled.

You got a bad seed beadchick, don''t let it prejudice you against a relationship with a truly wonderful guy in the future, just because he happens to be indian (or whatever).

 

[charbie]

beachick- i''m just reading all of this with my jaw dropped.

a friend of mine just called off her wedding. it was supposed to be in 2 weeks.
i say you just make it through the day by day, and realize that things WILL work out for the best.
think of yourself as LUCKY for not having to deal with this craziness the rest of your life.
you''ll figure out what you want to do with your dress (you might want to wear it one day), you''ll figure out.

i hope you DO do some things. since you''ll be saving money in the long run, and you have the time off, get away for a little bit. do the things HE wouldn''t let you.

((((HUGS))))

 

[Indylady]

Beadchick, now that I think about it, I''ve actually been in a similar situation myself. Its been years, and I really am so thankful that things didn''t work out, because a little over a month after that "relationship" ended, I started dating my FF. It was so hard for me, because there was nothing wrong with the two of us. We were fine and got along perfectly. Later I realized that "we" included his older brother, his older brother''s wife and his mom. His mom already had a girl in mind for him, and his older brother''s wife took it upon herself to cause a scene about how this relationship stressed her out because it stressed MIL out, and it needed to end. I''ve never seen someone shed so many tears for a relationship that. they. were. not. in. Within days, he wrote me an email ending things, which he also CC''ed to the rest of his family, because he wanted to prove to them that they''d told me this in case they didn''t believe him.

Trust me, you are far, far better off without this guy. My SO now, and his family have made me part of their family. They comment on his Facebook that I''m an incredible young lady, and it makes me so thankful.

You deserve better, and I think that you''ve received a blessing in disguise. Again, lots of hugs and healing dust.

 

[kama_s]

Date: 5/22/2010 4:19:08 PM
Author: luckynumber

Date: 5/22/2010 11:18:04 AM
Author: kama_s
Oh my goodness, honey. As soon as I read the parents came from India, I knew it had to be them. This is one of the biggest reasons I refused to date or marry an Indian guy. The mothers are meddling and god-awful. If you look at the media culture in India, every single TV show is about mother-in-laws ruining the lives of the daughter-in-law. I kid you not. This IS the norm, I don't care if anyone else here with some Indian exposure flames me for saying this. But ask anyone coming directly from India. You will not find one odd person that disagrees with my assessment.

I know you're hurting right now, and I can't begin to imagine the pain you're going through. But all I'm going to say is: you freakin' dodged a bullet there. His parents would never change, there would've been conflict ALL. THE. TIME. And the worst part? INDIAN BOYS ALWAYS PUT THEIR FAMILY FIRST. You would never become his priority. His loyalty would always be with his mother, he would've packed up at the drop of a hat. Better now than 5 years down the road with a child in tow.

Forget the douchebag. The best revenge is leading a good, peaceful life. He would NEVER be happy - his mother will always fill his ears and stir up drama. Too bad he left his big-boy panties at his mother's doorstep.

HUGE hugs.

Ok I have to respond to this.

I am indian and marrying an indian guy (from 'back home'). He treats me like a queen. His mother is fantastic and we get on like a house on fire. I don't have to ask my SO when he's going to propose, she does it herself!!

I wouldn't make such ridiculously sweeping statements about an entire culture.

And my FSIL and FBIL are both marrying caucasians and my FMIL couldn't be more thrilled.

You got a bad seed beadchick, don't let it prejudice you against a relationship with a truly wonderful guy in the future, just because he happens to be indian (or whatever).

I'm incredibly glad that's the case for you. But it isn't for majority of the Indian population. When it comes to an Indian boy, it is very imortant to meet his parents and see where they stand in his life. Not saying OP should stay away from Indian guys, but she certainly must gauge the family situation and assess if there might be potential acceptance issues down the road. Family is big for Indians, I'm sure you know that. In fact, my non-Indian hubby and I have had issues to deal with early on in our relationship because boundaries in our families are generally not clearly defined and often not respected.

Also, you have to keep in mind that 'love marriages' are a very recent phenomena in India. Most marriages are still arranged, parents feel snubbed if they don't get the 'right' to choose their son/daughter-in-law. To add to that, the caste system is still rampant. Several big cities in India still adhere strictly to the rule about marrying not just within your caste, but to a caste higher than you.

I'd be interested to know what your MIL thinks about this. Rather, I'd love to know her opinion on how other MILs in India generally treat their DILs.

Happy you have such a wonderful beau and MIL!

 

[Tuckins1]

I''m so sorry you had to deal with this! But, better that all of this crap came out BEFORE the wedding... Would have been much more difficult if you were already married and then the s#^t hit the fan.

 

[packrat]

Good heavens! Excellent advice already given so I''ll just add some more hugs to you!