Timelines: lets talk about them!

[Chewbacca]

Sometimes I think that its all a bit.. sterile, setting a timeline! What happened to romantic spontaneity!

It died, folks.



I'M JUST TEASING. HELLO, I AM A LIW!


Did you/have you set a timeline with your SO? Did you/have you set a timeline for yourself? Has a previously laid down timeline passed you by? Have you had to move the posts? Do you think timelines are awesome/ridiculous?

 

[pandabee]

We don't have a set timeline, but we have kinda agreed that we wouldn't be engaged until we were settled post graduation...which unfortunately is not a designated time at all! Guess it could be a few months, a few years...who knows. At least we are graduating this year!!!

 

[madelise]

Yes. Unfortunately, there is a time limit on these eggs of mine, and am stern in wanting to commit and cohabit for a few years before procreating (to allow room for error/separation). So I have a timeline

I used to say I wanted to be a mommy, if I ever do choose to be one, by the time I'm 25. Which meant I wanted to commit by the time I'm 22-23. Since that's just lurking around the corner, and I am most definitely not 5 months pregnant, that timeline has gone and past. We almost DID do the whole 11/11/11 thing, which still has be semi-heartbroken over our prior circumstances, but I'm now getting over that, and am happy I wasn't in a rush. And happy I don't currently have swollen feet, or morning sickness!

I think timelines are necessary for communication purposes. They're arbitrary lines drawn in the sand. They're definitely not ticking time bombs, and shouldn't be used as a means to an end. I'm not one particularly in favor of giving ultimatums. BUT, I am also not in favor of waiting around forever for a particular man to propose. Time spent waiting and waiting COULD be spent meeting other eligible bachelors who WON'T make you wait forever. Thus the timelines. It's good to ensure the two parties are on the same page, and to know each other's intentions.



Whispers: I currently have a "timeline". 12/5. It is definitely arbitrary, because I won't be breaking up with him by then if he hasn't yet proposed. But it's a preferred timeline, since I do want to get married sometime in the second half of 2013, and I do need time to plan! BUT, if it's this time next year, I'm in grad school, and he still hasn't proposed? I'll be forced to reevaluate our relationship, and the fact that we aren't on the same page.

 

[MBKRH]

We don't have one... but I did have my own. I wanted to be AT LEAST engaged by 30. So now, I'm hoping by 35. If there's nothing by then, well, god help me. I guess I'll start adopting cats.

 

[audball]

We do have a timeline. It wasn't really intentional, but we had a serious discussion about our relationship and what we both wanted. We were on the same page about our future wants and we agreed there were some things we'd like to accomplish individually before getting there. So these things all led to a timeline. It's by no means set in stone and things can change and move as they need to. One of the last big things on the list was Andrew graduating (December 15th!) so that's right around the corner. We had some financial goals we expected to have handled by December too, but with Andrew's car dying in June and us being in a car sharing situation kind of changed that. We previously agreed that it likely wouldn't be in December like we'd hoped, but I'm not so sure anymore. It seems he may have something up his sleeve....time will soon tell.

More concretely, he has told me that it will be sometime after he graduates (earliest December 16th) and before our 2 year anniversary (July 13th latest). But if it doesn't happen in that time frame I know there will be a good reason for it and I'll know about it and it would be a mutual decision to wait.

I'm already quite antsy with the ring in the house. I'm really hoping for December, after his graduation but before Christmas. Ultimately I know I'm going to spend the rest of my life with him so it doesn't really matter in the end when or how it happens. That said, there is something to be said for maintaining sanity and moving forward in a natural progression since it's something we've both said we want. If for some reason I were to be at this point next year still with no engagement, I'd be hurt, that's for sure. I really don't see that happening, but if it did, we'd have to talk it out and figure out why things haven't moved along.

I also agree with madelise re: ultimatums. I think there are never a good thing and just lead to a messy ending. I'd never want to force someone to marry me, that can lead to nothing but tears and heartache in the end.

 

[Schafenm]

We have one, it is April (2013). Right around when we both turn 27. I really would love for him to stick to our timeline but I really wouldn't care as long as it is before I graduate next december. I can't really imagine planning a wedding and finishing nursing school all at the same time. It would just cause unnecessary stress. We decided if he asked by April than it would be because we wanted to have some time to enjoy the engagement.

With that said I hope he proposes before I go see some old friends in Jan, but I don't think that is going to happen. He may be transitioning to a new position in his company and we really don't know what kind of schedule he will have for his first year at the position. We are both waiting for January so we can find out how next year is going to play out.

If you ladies have a timeline, I hope you don't have to wait long!! Also I do not know how you do it with the ring in the house. I go a little nits sometimes and our ring is sitting in our jeweler's safety deposit box!! I don't know what I would do if it was in the house. Y'all are some strong ladies!!!

Dust to everyone!

 

[audball]

If you ladies have a timeline, I hope you don't have to wait long!! Also I do not know how you do it with the ring in the house. I go a little nits sometimes and our ring is sitting in our jeweler's safety deposit box!! I don't know what I would do if it was in the house. Y'all are some strong ladies!!!

Dust to everyone!

It is definitely FAR harder than I expected. I thought I'd be able to relax more once it was complete and ready to go. Nope. It's taunts me from so close...yet so far.

 

[LoveLikeCrazy]

Well, if it was up to me I'd already be engaged! But HIS timeline is sometime in 2013 - and if I know him, it will probably be 12/31 and I will wring his neck.

Wedding is 1 1/2 - 2 years after engagement. We want to pay cash and we want to do a small destination wedding, so we would like to allow time for our families to come up with the funds to join us

 

[lkc84]

I've actually had two timelines come and go However, both were for legit reasons. The first (my birthday earlier this year) was set before BF moved back to our hometown. Once he actually moved back, we were adjusting to life in the same city again and the timeline slipped. The second (end of this summer) got bumped when we bought a house. While I was upset, I understood why and he has promised that this time the deadline of end of this year is 100% forrealthistime happening It was never a commitment issue, more of a "what city are we going to live in" the first time and being broke after the down payment the second.

I do have an internal deadline. If this timeline slips again and I make it to 30 (a little over a year from now) with no ring, I would have to re-evaluate if it ever will happen. I am really doubting that will be an issue though!

 

[vintagelover]

While I havent received a timeline from SO, I have made myself one that I will not be sharing with him. My timeline is August 2013, we will have been together nearly 10 years by then. If the timeline hasn't been met I am going to have to seriously re-evaluate where things are headed and if in fact I can actually wait any longer - 10 years is a very long wait, especially when I have been ready for nearly 6 years..

 

[lkc84]

While I havent received a timeline from SO, I have made myself one that I will not be sharing with him. My timeline is August 2013, we will have been together nearly 10 years by then. If the timeline hasn't been met I am going to have to seriously re-evaluate where things are headed and if in fact I can actually wait any longer - 10 years is a very long wait, especially when I have been ready for nearly 6 years..

I totally feel your pain (been with SO for almost 8 years, been LIW for 6). I really hope it doesn't come to that and he proposes soon!

 

[vintagelover]

While I havent received a timeline from SO, I have made myself one that I will not be sharing with him. My timeline is August 2013, we will have been together nearly 10 years by then. If the timeline hasn't been met I am going to have to seriously re-evaluate where things are headed and if in fact I can actually wait any longer - 10 years is a very long wait, especially when I have been ready for nearly 6 years..

I totally feel your pain (been with SO for almost 8 years, been LIW for 6). I really hope it doesn't come to that and he proposes soon!

Me too!! Fingers crossed for both of us

 

[Chewbacca]

madelise I agree with you, timelines = great communicators. The word sounds so concrete and bossy, and downright unromantic! Ha ha. But I think the reality of getting onto the same page re: expectations is awesome. No more will you be puzzling over 'one day' or 'not yet'! Ideally. ALSO: loving the sneaky timeline. I assume that means 5th of Dec.. weirdo US format!

MBKRH I'm sorry your timeline passed you by! You don't have one with your SO, not even a vague one?

lkc84 I'm sorry you've passed two separate goal posts! But it does sound very reasonable, which I imagine takes the sting off of it a bit. Its great that you both made the hard decisions together. I have my fingers crossed for you re: your own timeline!

vintagelover Do you and your SO have a timeline at all?


As for me, SO and I have discussed a timeline. Or rather, we discussed when we would like to be married, and the timeline worked itself backward from there. So, engagement 'should' be Mar/Apr/May 2013. I've been wondering how I would proceed if it passes by - I guess it would depend on the circumstance. Advice?

 

[SB621]

Ok so I'm not a LIW but just wanted to add that yes we had a timeline. We are military though and when DH got out of college he had 1 year of training and then they were sending him to his first real station. So our timline was pretty much that. I wasn't going to do long distance with him, especially being in the military where so much is uncertain. I gave him 18 months to figure it out (6 months before he graduated + the 1 year training). When we got engaged (3 months after graduation) we had been together just over 3 years. Now we have been happily married for 5.5 years with 2 crazy kids.

 

[madelise]

madelise I agree with you, timelines = great communicators. The word sounds so concrete and bossy, and downright unromantic! Ha ha. But I think the reality of getting onto the same page re: expectations is awesome. No more will you be puzzling over 'one day' or 'not yet'! Ideally. ALSO: loving the sneaky timeline. I assume that means 5th of Dec.. weirdo US format!

As for me, SO and I have discussed a timeline. Or rather, we discussed when we would like to be married, and the timeline worked itself backward from there. So, engagement 'should' be Mar/Apr/May 2013. I've been wondering how I would proceed if it passes by - I guess it would depend on the circumstance. Advice?

Unromantic is my middle name And yes, that's the 05/12/12 to you, weirdo rest-of-the-globe format!

 

[missy]

Not a LIW but thought it would be OK to chime in here. Obviously no two relationships are exactly alike so what's right for one couple won't be necessarily the best for another. I definitely can see where having a timeline is more critical if you want children. My dh and I had no timeline whatsoever but that was basically because I was sure I never wanted to get married let alone have kids. My dh knew (he kept that to himself though) that with time he would be able to change my mind. Glad he knew that because I knew I was never getting married. Turns out he was right. Probably the first and last time he ever was right over me.

But, had he presented me with a timeline all those years ago, I would have freaked out and probably lost out on the best thing that ever happened to us. That would not be the best way for many (maybe most) couples but it worked for us. We were together 4 years before he proposed and married a year later. He wanted a shorter engagement but I needed time to get used to the idea of getting married. By the time we got married I was 100% ready.

The most important thing in a relationship (along with love, respect and trust) is communication (as many of you have pointed out) so as long as you keep talking about your goals and hopes and dreams with each other it is all good. It's when these lines of communication and understanding b/w each other breaks down that there will be a problem.

 

[missy]

madelise I agree with you, timelines = great communicators. The word sounds so concrete and bossy, and downright unromantic! Ha ha. But I think the reality of getting onto the same page re: expectations is awesome. No more will you be puzzling over 'one day' or 'not yet'! Ideally. ALSO: loving the sneaky timeline. I assume that means 5th of Dec.. weirdo US format!

As for me, SO and I have discussed a timeline. Or rather, we discussed when we would like to be married, and the timeline worked itself backward from there. So, engagement 'should' be Mar/Apr/May 2013. I've been wondering how I would proceed if it passes by - I guess it would depend on the circumstance. Advice?

Unromantic is my middle name And yes, that's the 05/12/12 to you, weirdo rest-of-the-globe format!

If your timeline passes by then a heart to heart with your SO is in order. What is his thinking behind it, what has changed and what new plan needs to be put in place. If your SO is your soft place to fall/lean on and your best friend then no topic should be off limits. You should be able to discuss anything in a safe and loving environment.

 

[Chewbacca]

I've been wondering how I would proceed if it passes by - I guess it would depend on the circumstance. Advice?

If your timeline passes by then a heart to heart with your SO is in order. What is his thinking behind it, what has changed and what new plan needs to be put in place. If your SO is your soft place to fall/lean on and your best friend then no topic should be off limits. You should be able to discuss anything in a safe and loving environment.

I'm glad you said this! Its what I would do/we do. I've had some (unsolicited) advice about how long one should be 'waiting' for a proposal. So long as communication lines are open and clear, and we are moving toward a shared goal, I'm good to go.

PS. I love that your SO knew you would marry him, despite you knowing you would never marry! He sounds like a keeper!

 

[vintagelover]

Chewbacca: Nope, absolutely nothing.. I brought it up before but pretty much got the reaction that he will propose when he proposes and rather not have me know the details. I am not really sure how to go about getting any information out of him...

We are going away this weekend to a beautiful beach resort so then would definately be the perfect time. Although, there have been "MANY" perfect times during weekend getaways to cabins, Venice, Paris, Switzerland, etc., but I will not be getting my hopes up - I know better now than to do that

 

[MBKRH]

MBKRH I'm sorry your timeline passed you by! You don't have one with your SO, not even a vague one?

Sadly, no.
I can't bring it up- I don't want him to think I'm a gold digger. Next month it'll only be our 18 month anniversary. There's still time.

He once told me how his ex was constantly shoving rings and stuff in his face, and it turned him off so much. It probably didn't help that she was 8 years older than him, and completely nuts. Or so I've heard, from MANY people.

So, that's why I'm laying low. No wedding **** laying around. No ring talk. No talking about friends' engagements/weddings/etc.
I'm taking the nieve approach.
He'll bring it up when he's ready (I'm certain it's a financial issue at this point). And until he's done paying off my car, it WOULD be really sh*tty on my part to bring anything up engagement related, IMO...........

I know, I know the timeline thing isn't quite the same as talking about rings. But, they're all connected, and I know him well enough that he'll think "Okay first she wanted a timeline. Next she'll be asking when we can go look at rings, then she'll want to do this..........."

Like I said- I'm laying low. (for now)

 

[LoveLikeCrazy]

MBKRH I'm sorry your timeline passed you by! You don't have one with your SO, not even a vague one?

Sadly, no.
I can't bring it up- I don't want him to think I'm a gold digger. Next month it'll only be our 18 month anniversary. There's still time.

He once told me how his ex was constantly shoving rings and stuff in his face, and it turned him off so much. It probably didn't help that she was 8 years older than him, and completely nuts. Or so I've heard, from MANY people.

So, that's why I'm laying low. No wedding **** laying around. No ring talk. No talking about friends' engagements/weddings/etc.
I'm taking the nieve approach.
He'll bring it up when he's ready (I'm certain it's a financial issue at this point). And until he's done paying off my car, it WOULD be really sh*tty on my part to bring anything up engagement related, IMO...........

I know, I know the timeline thing isn't quite the same as talking about rings. But, they're all connected, and I know him well enough that he'll think "Okay first she wanted a timeline. Next she'll be asking when we can go look at rings, then she'll want to do this..........."

Like I said- I'm laying low. (for now)

I think I'd rather have my car paid off than an engagement ring...I hate having a car payment haha. Oops I'm on a diamond site right?

 

[pandabee]

MBKRH I'm sorry your timeline passed you by! You don't have one with your SO, not even a vague one?

Sadly, no.
I can't bring it up- I don't want him to think I'm a gold digger. Next month it'll only be our 18 month anniversary. There's still time.

He once told me how his ex was constantly shoving rings and stuff in his face, and it turned him off so much. It probably didn't help that she was 8 years older than him, and completely nuts. Or so I've heard, from MANY people.

So, that's why I'm laying low. No wedding **** laying around. No ring talk. No talking about friends' engagements/weddings/etc.
I'm taking the nieve approach.
He'll bring it up when he's ready (I'm certain it's a financial issue at this point). And until he's done paying off my car, it WOULD be really sh*tty on my part to bring anything up engagement related, IMO...........

I know, I know the timeline thing isn't quite the same as talking about rings. But, they're all connected, and I know him well enough that he'll think "Okay first she wanted a timeline. Next she'll be asking when we can go look at rings, then she'll want to do this..........."

Like I said- I'm laying low. (for now)

I think I'd rather have my car paid off than an engagement ring...I hate having a car payment haha. Oops I'm on a diamond site right?

*shrug* I'd rather have my student loans paid off than an engagement ring...

 

[sweetpea&babycorn]

*shrug* I'd rather have my student loans paid off than an engagement ring...

so true! it's good that i don't expect my SO to pay off my loans, they are HEFTY.

I never thought my SO would be ready to look at rings around our 1 year anniversary, so that totally took me by surprise. And of course I jumped on the opportunity before he changed his mind, so we've had the ring since the end of October. Like Audball said, it's SO hard knowing he has the ring and hasn't proposed yet, but I do want to give him his space to do what he feels like he needs to do, but he did hint at something like before the end of this year, which I think I have the patience for I"m taking the boards towards the end of December, so I am very focused on that, and am sure the time will fly by. And I know he's not going anywhere

I give all you ten-yearers all the credit in the world for being so patient!!

 

[audball]

First of all, thanks to you who chimed in who have been there done that! I always appreciate you guys taking the time to provide insight from the other side!

Secondly, I'm sorry you feel stuck MK. I get where you are coming from though. If my guy had that history, I'd be a little more leery as well. And what a nice thing he's doing paying for your car! That would mean a lot to me. I think it's great that he's already showing in investment and commitment to you, even though it's in a way that's not necessarily outwardly recognized by others. I agree with sweetpea and pandabee too...I'd totally rather have my loans paid off than have an engagement ring! But our budget wasn't anywhere CLOSE to what I owe in loans so it's not like I had that as an option!

Sweetpea- I totally agree too, I was surprised when Andrew was ready to start shopping only 6 months in. He knew we weren't there yet, but that we would be and that was just awesome. We celebrated 1 year in July and our latest timeline is by our 2 year. I'm still sooo hoping for the earlier side of the timeline which will start in just over a month!

 

[audball]

Chewbacca: Nope, absolutely nothing.. I brought it up before but pretty much got the reaction that he will propose when he proposes and rather not have me know the details. I am not really sure how to go about getting any information out of him...

We are going away this weekend to a beautiful beach resort so then would definately be the perfect time. Although, there have been "MANY" perfect times during weekend getaways to cabins, Venice, Paris, Switzerland, etc., but I will not be getting my hopes up - I know better now than to do that

I hope he surprises you!

 

[antiquesparkler]

You ladies that have been with your guys for 8-10 years... I bow to you. You all are my heros. Wish I had that kind of patience. So does my SO... heehehe!

Our timeline is "Within a year" and that was on October 15th. I know, becasue I have a reminder on my email on the 15th of every month with a countdown. Wow! That sounds so much worse when I type it out. 11 more months to go!

We have had the ring finished and sitting in our house for about 2 months now. Audball, I hear you... so close, yet so far. Much closer for you though, lucky girl!

I have a secret timeline though... February 2014 will be our 3 year anniversary and if there is no proposal by that point, I will need to reevaluate I think. I dont think it will get there but that is top secret.

 

[pandabee]

OKay...since we're spilling secrets, here's mine:

We have a ring!!!! But like I said, we have always discussed that it won't happen until at least after graduation. This time next year would be my absolute earliest guess.

*runs away*

 

[audball]

You ladies that have been with your guys for 8-10 years... I bow to you. You all are my heros. Wish I had that kind of patience. So does my SO... heehehe!

Our timeline is "Within a year" and that was on October 15th. I know, becasue I have a reminder on my email on the 15th of every month with a countdown. Wow! That sounds so much worse when I type it out. 11 more months to go!

We have had the ring finished and sitting in our house for about 2 months now. Audball, I hear you... so close, yet so far. Much closer for you though, lucky girl!

I have a secret timeline though... February 2014 will be our 3 year anniversary and if there is no proposal by that point, I will need to reevaluate I think. I dont think it will get there but that is top secret.

I hope it's sooner than later for you too!

 

[audball]

OKay...since we're spilling secrets, here's mine:

We have a ring!!!! But like I said, we have always discussed that it won't happen until at least after graduation. This time next year would be my absolute earliest guess.

*runs away*

YAY!!! You can't come here on a BLING forum and talk about having a RING IN THE HOUSE without sharing PICTURES!!

 

[MBKRH]

I'm sorry you feel stuck MK. I get where you are coming from though. If my guy had that history, I'd be a little more leery as well. And what a nice thing he's doing paying for your car! That would mean a lot to me. I think it's great that he's already showing in investment and commitment to you, even though it's in a way that's not necessarily outwardly recognized by others. I agree with sweetpea and pandabee too...I'd totally rather have my loans paid off than have an engagement ring! But our budget wasn't anywhere CLOSE to what I owe in loans so it's not like I had that as an option!

Thanks. My car was literally on its last leg, and this really good car came in on trade. He convinced his boss to let him finance it "in house", so he pays $75 a week on it. By my calculations, the car should be paid off by next December. (Although, math was never my strong suit. ). Realistically, I couldn't afford a car payment between rent, credit card debt, and my massive student loan debt.

So, yes, it certainly does mean a lot to me, and it does show commitment. Except he's in dire need of a new car, too; he's driving one that's 15 years old. So............. he'll pretty much have another payment as soon as my car is done. ARGH!!!!! lol.