this may sound weird to guy''s but i have no idea .....

[ForteKitty]

I can''t imagine my spouse keeping his salary from me... all my friends know exactly what each other makes!

 

[Dancing Fire]

my wife pays for our daugther''s college tuition,i pay for EVERYTHING else. we always had separate accounts, i don''t need to ask her (or tell her) for permission to buy anything.i make all the investment decisions (i.e buy/sell stocks) i have full control of her IRA ,401k accounts.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 4/12/2005 11

7:56 AM
Author: Feydakin

What happens when I can''t meet my 40% some month?? Or she her 60% one month, or more??

Maybe I''m still too old fashioned for some of the new math that is used in some houses..

then you get kick out of the house or you kick her out,which ever comes first.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 4/12/2005 6:55:19 PM
Author: ForteKitty
I can''t imagine my spouse keeping his salary from me... all my friends know exactly what each other makes!

FK
wait until you get marry

,things maybe different.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 4/12/2005 10:38:51 AM
Author: Logan Sapphire


In my opinion, knowing the other person''s income is important when trying to buy a house, or estimate and save for when we have kids, and I take time off (or quit) work. I don''t really understand how you could do otherwise if incomes are secret, but I''d be interested in hearing how people make it work.

simple,just don''t ask each other for money.

 

[Nicrez]

My DF can't keep his salary secret, as I am the one who generally does the bills. Plus, when he gets a job, I am the one who pushes him to renegotiate for more! Currently as a student i make 0% and that's how much of the bills I am paying. Sadly, I am totally a kept woman, down to my socks, but when the times comes for him to relax and retire, guess who'se going to be bringing in the dough!

Actually we have a joint account for the wedding expenses that we both have our own ATM card for. He puts cash in my checking account for discretionary use, and his checking, savings are his, but he pays all the bills with them. I keep his personal Amex (which his checking account pays for), although many times it's hard to keep that baby holstered, especially during sample sales and around accessory stores...

Since I will make significantly less in a new career, I am going to deposit my money in my account and pay a portion of the mortgage, as well as support myself, but basically my money will be mine. To even things out a bit, I do like buying him gifts, so i like to spoil him, once I am working again...it's not as fun when it's HIS money...

* beaming*

I am a planner, so the first thing O did when we dated was sort through his old paperwork and I saw his salary. I knew his banking account info from that too and immediately made him actually save money. To this day he credits being MUCH better off (and starting his first 401K) to my nagging and palnning. From paycheck to paycheck he's now a super saver, and actually has equity to show for it!

That's impossible to do if your partner doesn't even know what you make... Sometimes it takes a second person to help organize or structure things optimally, and that's the best thing about marraige. Relying on the other person when you need to, and knowing they can help you out.

 

[Sparkster]

There''s one very simple rule in our household ''What''s his is ours and what''s mine is mine!"

The entire mortgage and health insurance is paid out of my wages and he pays for everything else. We both know what each other earn.

 

[jadeleaves]

Date: 4/12/2005 6:47:24 PM
Author: Dancing Fire

Date: 4/12/2005 5:42:39 AM

Author: JadeLeaves

don''t worry you are not alone - mine is in the same boat as you

Jade

well jade, i guess we''re the only 2 odd balls here.

*heh* Maybe I shld rephrase - Hubby knew what I used to earnt, but ever since starting my own business even I don''t know how much I earnt, let alone him.

In terms of bills and all that, we have one cheque account where we each put an equal amount of money into each month, and bills gets paid from that pool. Whatever''s left over is paid onto the mortgage to reduce the interest by making extra repayments. We each have our own personal account for discretionary spending. As long as neither of us dips into savings, no one questions anything. Any large purchases needs to be discussed first, no questions abt that

! Our current home is in joint names, but I have a rental property under my own name - income from that goes into an investment account for stocks etc etc. That is going to be our little nest egg for when we want to have kids and I have to take it easy for awhile.

I think our arrangement works pretty well, and it''s not like we deliberately keep each other in the dark about our income - we DO get our taxes done jointly at the end of financial year!

 

[sparklish]

Hmm... when I first moved in my FI, we split everything 50/50 and kept things separate. But since going back to school, we have a joint account; we each deposit money in it and pay expenses out of it. I pay about 45% and he 65% sincce I have no income. We also each have separate investments, but we have an idea of what each other''s are... But as we are getting married I expect our finances will become more and more joint. We are each other''s beneficiaries on all retirement savings plans.

Like some others, I can''t imagine keeping things secret when we are planning to buy a home and so on.

 

[abradabra]

This is quite the interesting thread... Perhaps I''m a bit naive, but I had never heard of something like this! Growing up, my farther worked and my mother stayed at home to raise me and to volunteer in the community as I got older. Since neither of them came from families with money, there wouldn''t have been any opportunity to have separate accounts or things like that.

I have way more personal assets than my fiance at this point, but I think I''d still like to start out with everything shared because that''s what I grew up being used to. I also couldn''t imagine containing info like my salary and stuff. If I get a raise, I want to share that with my boy and if I feel totally undervalued, I want to complain about it to him!

Just out of curiousity... Did any of you who keep your monies separate live together before getting married? I''m curious how being married and splitting rent/mortage/etc. costs differs from just being roommates. Is it just in the money aspect that you guys keep everything separate or is everything separate in all aspects of your life?

 

[njc]

Date: 4/12/2005 8:25

9 PM
Author: Sparkster
There''s one very simple rule in our household ''What''s his is ours and what''s mine is mine!''

I like your rule!

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 4/13/2005 8:46:57 AM
Author: abradabra

Just out of curiousity... Did any of you who keep your monies separate live together before getting married? I'm curious how being married and splitting rent/mortage/etc. costs differs from just being roommates. Is it just in the money aspect that you guys keep everything separate or is everything separate in all aspects of your life?

Yes, I lived with Rich for nearly 1.5 years before we married.

Honestly, we never considered ourselves as "just being roommates"......we knew moving in together that we were moving toward marriage.

We've always split the bills equally, and it works well for us. When we paid rent, I would pay it one month, he would the next. Now that it's a mortgage, it's a bigger chunk, so we each pony up our half each month.

Process-wise, I control the finances in terms of what gets paid out. I keep all the bills on a spreadsheet, and when it's time to pay them, I tell him how much his half is. He transfers his share into my checking account, and I generate the payments. I pay for my own cell phone, etc. We each pay our own credit card bills unless we make a joint purchase on his card to get the points, in which case I reimburse him half.

When we were saving for the wedding, he'd transfer money to me that I'd then move into a separate account just for that. We have a savings account that is for "specific" joint things; otherwise, we both save our own money and we both contribute equally when a purchase needs to be made.

We keep our cars separate, too.....both are paid off now, but he paid for his and I paid for mine. Sometimes, I treat us to dinner; sometimes he treats us to dinner. But we share everything - we even share a closet!

I took his name proudly....that makes me feel more married than which account the next $20 comes out of.

Having said all of this......we keep accounts separate ONLY because it's easier and it's comfortable for us. If one of us lost a job or had some hardship, the other would pick up the slack. At the end of the day, we see it all as OUR money.....what's mine is his, what's his is mine.

I don't really think that "merging" funds is a defining thing; I don't feel any less married because we maintain various accounts. Believe me, when I'm washing all of our clothes, I feel VERY married.

LMAO! But being married doesn't mean completely losing one's individuality. I still maintain my friendships; sometimes they hang out with just me, and sometimes they hang out with both of us. He can still have his "by myself time", and we have time we spend together. We are two strong parts of one team, and we work at goals together.

 

[fire&ice]

Date: 4/12/2005 8:25

9 PM
Author: Sparkster
There''s one very simple rule in our household ''What''s his is ours and what''s mine is mine!''

Goodness gracious - must the elders always teach the young proper "etiquette"?

It''s "What''s his is mine and what''s mine is mine!"

Silly girls.

 

[fire&ice]

Date: 4/13/2005 11:39:39 AM

Having said all of this......we keep accounts separate ONLY because it''s easier and it''s comfortable for us.&

That''s just it - when you describe your process, my head spins. Doesn''t seem easier - seems like more work than one joint account. Too much to keep up with. That said, it may indeed be what is more comfortable to you.

BUT - I have never shared a closet with hubby. That makes our life easier.

 

[Hest88]

Did any of you who keep your monies separate live together before getting married?

We actually had our money discussion before we moved in together--about a year and a half before the weddinig--and ended up combining our accounts as soon as we combined households. Since marriage was always in the cards, it didn''t seem to make a difference if we did it upon moving in together or upon getting married. Plus, in my mind, it was another "test" of our compatibility.

I don''t know how unusual that was, but sometimes I get the impression that we had more serious discussions earlier than a lot of our peers.

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 4/13/2005 11:45:59 AM
Author: fire&ice
That''s just it - when you describe your process, my head spins. Doesn''t seem easier - seems like more work than one joint account. Too much to keep up with.

My process? Seriously, it''s not rocket science. For those of you with a joint account, you sit down and write out all the bills, right? Or whatever it is you do to pay them...online or whatever.

No different for us. All our bills get paid from one account too.....mine. The only extra "process" step for me is adding the sums together and then divide by two. I assume most folks own a calculator, no? I''m already paying the bills through online bill pay, so it doesn''t take 15 seconds more while I''m there to make a transfer from his account to mine. Not a big deal.

Yes, I keep a spreadsheet, but how exactly is that different from keeping a check register? It''s actually much easier because it does the formulas for me, and we can track where the money is being spent. No different than those of you who use Quicken or other money/budgeting tools.

The only, ONLY difference in our process is the source of the funds to pay the bills. We draw it from two accounts instead of one. Big deal.

I assume that most folks have a checking and a savings account, right? Most folks regularly transfer money between those (more than one account), why is it so difficult to envision transferring money from one checking account to another? It''s still a money transfer. I used to do this all the time when I was single. All my income was direct-deposited into my checking, and I regularly transferred money into my savings account. I''m not doing anything that I didn''t do when I was single. The fact that the name on the account I transfer from is his instead of mine is the only difference.

I''ve seen many a fight erupt from couples who share accounts because one didn''t tell the other they took a check, and pandemonium ensues trying to keep the balance straight and keep track of the bookkeeping/check posting. Hubby takes check, doesn''t jot down what it''s for or HOW MUCH, they have to wait for it to clear the bank, etc.

I''ve seen folks with joint accounts each withdraw money with the ATM card, not knowing the other was also withdrawing. One doesn''t keep track of withdrawal slip, and all of the sudden, the account is overdrawn. I could name five or so more scenarios.

Money...not just HOW it''s spent but the managing of the books...is one of the top three things couples fight about. To me, I think couples should use *whatever methodology* it takes to avoid that. If they want to trade in wampum, fine by me. To each his own......variety is what makes the world go around.

 

[Mara]

From what I can recall, money is actually the #1 reason that people divorce....obviously there are probably other issues within the relationship but how people perceive money and the drama that surrounds it is frightening. So I figure whatever works for each couple and makes each of them feel good is how they should do it!

 

[bar01]

Date: 4/13/2005 1:32:23 PM
Author: aljdewey

Date: 4/13/2005 11:45:59 AM
Author: fire&ice
That's just it - when you describe your process, my head spins. Doesn't seem easier - seems like more work than one joint account. Too much to keep up with.

My process; seriously, it's not rocket science....

Yep - your process is very similar to the way I have done it, and will do it again soon. Easy and no fuss, but to each their own.

 

[njc]

Date: 4/13/2005 1:32:23 PM
Author: aljdewey

I''ve seen many a fight erupt from couples who share accounts because one didn''t tell the other they took a check, and pandemonium ensues trying to keep the balance straight and keep track of the bookkeeping/check posting. Hubby takes check, doesn''t jot down what it''s for or HOW MUCH, they have to wait for it to clear the bank, etc.

I''ve seen folks with joint accounts each withdraw money with the ATM card, not knowing the other was also withdrawing. One doesn''t keep track of withdrawal slip, and all of the sudden, the account is overdrawn. I could name five or so more scenarios.

I have already started thinking how to avoid these situations. We are both rather attached to our debit cards and both HORRIBLE about keeping the reciepts. We are both good about mentally know what we have spent and what we have... but im not going to try and read his mind(!) on what hes spent out of the pot and vice versa... that seems like trouble to me.

So to make things easier without changing anything, i came up with the idea that we are both going to need to use credit cards in place of our debit cards. I mentioned this to FI and he flipped out saying he wasnt using a credit card like that. I dont see any difference between a CC and debit other than CC=monthly payment and debit comes out constantly... its still the same amount of money when you pay it off. I told him if he needed cash out, he could use the debit card then and to let me know. Id rather track down an ATM usage vs. 25 random transactions at a store. He kinda sorta warmed up to it, but isnt a fan, but i think he will come around by the time we need to actually do it.

 

[fire&ice]

Nope, to me, mine is simplier.

What works for you works for you. It''s your routine. The less steps in any process is simplier for me. And, no I don''t do any transfers, register balancing, etc. It all goes into the bill paying account. It all goes out. Everything else is deposited to different accounts.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

There''s an article in Elle, May 2005 issue, that says that hiding money & purchases from your spouse is worse than having an affair!

I''m not sure I agree with this, though, but think that as long as your bills get paid and money is set aside for investments/savings, the rest of your cash should be used for how you and your spouse choose to. (Just because I snuck off and bought a pair of sandles a few weeks back, doesn''t mean that I''m cheating on my husband with some sexy and dashing man named Nordstrom

)

FWIW, my husband and I have been together on and off since HS. For a few years, we lived on our own so we''ve both managed our money together and apart. Also, I am educated in accounting, so luckily my husband thinks I can manage money (lol!) so he tosses the checks AND the bills in my lap. He knows that I blow some of our money on fun things (like those cute sandles i picked up), but realizes that by endulging a bit, I''ll be sure to allocate the remaining funds toward paying off our bills.

 

[fire&ice]

We must compliment each other on how to handle money. And, we must have similar spending habits & similar views of money. I can''t remember having any fights about money. About the only time I break bad is when he doesn''t keep up with his expense reports. Money has been such a non-issue since the first initial merge.

I don''t think anyone should feel bad about the way they handle *their* money situation. But, the way some people handle their money does make my head spin. It wouldn''t work for me. Doesn''t mean it doesn''t work for them.

We came to the union pretty equally. And, I have to say that what we have now is definitely *ours* together. So, I don''t think from the beginning it was his or mine. Perhaps if we were older and had more years of earning our own, things would be different.

I do know one thing - I know my right brained spouse enough to be relieved he doesn''t handle his own checking account.

I know he feels the same way.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 4/12/2005 5:30:13 PM
Author: Momoftwo
What I did was specify that it wasn''t asking permission, just conferring, discussing, etc. Here is what I actually wrote:

My DH only questions if I spend a huge amount without consulting him, not asking permission, just talking about it first.

I think the bigger issue is why would you hide your income and why would you be comfortable with your spouse hiding theirs?

I cannot imagine making a huge purchase without consulting my husband. Like I just said in the post just above, I blow money without telling my husband, but were talking at most a couple hundred dollars.

I think $300 is the limit FOR ME. More than this, I''ll talk to my husband MOSTLY because we do have a lot of bills AND we also have plans to sell our house and move w/in the next year or two so a big purchase will take away from our goals.

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 4/13/2005 2

4:42 PM
Author: fire&ice
Nope, to me, mine is simplier.

What works for you works for you. It's your routine. The less steps in any process is simplier for me.

Well, then continue to do what works for you. You seem to be taking the approach that others are trying to sway you, and that's just not the case. This isn't a contest on who's way is simplest, for goodness sake. No one is saying "my way's better" or "you should do it my way". The point of this thread isn't to determine a "right" way for EVERYONE. People are just doing what was asked.....to share what works FOR THEM.

AGAIN.......TO EACH HIS OWN. DO WHAT WORKS FOR YOU. It's been said repeatedly now. The *right* way is whatever way works for you individually.

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 4/13/2005 1:59:30 PM
Author: njc

I have already started thinking how to avoid these situations. We are both rather attached to our debit cards and both HORRIBLE about keeping the reciepts. We are both good about mentally know what we have spent and what we have... but im not going to try and read his mind(!) on what hes spent out of the pot and vice versa... that seems like trouble to me.

That''s funny, because it mirrors my experience. Rich and I are both a bit laissez-faire about our debit cards. Myself, I''ve always had a mental "running total". Ever since banking statements went online, I have not balanced a checkbook! I know approximately what should be there, and I never cut it close enough to worry - there''s always a comforable buffer.

He''s pretty much the same....except that he does keep his slips: in his car, in his pockets, in the tray in the kitchen.....! They''d never be useful in any way....lol. He, too, spends very little, so he has a pretty spot-on running total in his head.

IN OUR CASE (caveat so no one will read into this being presented as "best practices")....this approach made it much easier for us to each maintain our accounts. We do what we always did, and it''s comfortable for us. I''m simply another bill he pays, and he''s another deposit to me.

Factor each other into the running totals. LOL

 

[Momoftwo]

The fact is I wouldn''t make a large purchase without talking to him first and I never have. All our money goes into two joint checking accounts and one savings. One checking account is for the household bills, the other where my pay check goes, pays for our two sons college and a couple of other things, like our sons'' car. My DH would actually laugh if I "asked" permission to do anything. Maybe that''s why we''ve been married for 24 years. He''ll tell you that it''s all mine. The point I made above about permission involved hiding income because maybe there was the fear of having to ask and I never have had to ask. I bought a car one time when he was at sea and we had talked about it before hand, but he didnt'' know I was going to do it at that time. But, it was discussed. The whole idea of not knowing your spouse''s income is just very unusual. My DH may not know exactly how much we net, but he knows our income. No secrets of any kind. I don''t think buying clothes, shoes, necessities, etc without reporting is quite the same as hiding how much you make and spend on everything. The OP said his wife tells him not to worry about it. That just smacks too much of in reverse telling the "little woman not worry her pretty little head over it". That''s how it struck me.

Also, if you''re married, how do you do your income taxes without knowing your spouse''s income?

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 4/13/2005 4:54:32 PM
Author: Momoftwo


Also, if you''re married, how do you do your income taxes without knowing your spouse''s income?

I''m just guessing at this (because my hubby and I do know one another''s income), but I''d guess they file "married filing separately".

When you do that, you don''t need your spouse''s income figures; only to report that Mr. John Smith IS your spouse. The only other caveat is that you both have to file in the same method....if one doesn''t itemize, the other cannot either.

 

[sjz]

The way it works in our house is he earns it, I spend it. Period.

 

[youngster]

There are actually some really good reasons why some couples should have each spouse keep some money/investments in a separate account for estate planning purposes (so that both people can take full advantage of the federal estate tax laws). Separate property will be distributed according to your will. Property in joint accounts will go immediately to the other person who shares joint tenancy with you. For people with children from first marriages this can be extremely important.

 

[fire&ice]

Date: 4/13/2005 5

3:15 PM
Author: youngster
There are actually some really good reasons why some couples should have each spouse keep some money/investments in a separate account for estate planning purposes (so that both people can take full advantage of the federal estate tax laws). Separate property will be distributed according to your will. Property in joint accounts will go immediately to the other person who shares joint tenancy with you. For people with children from first marriages this can be extremely important.

Precisely. It''s so much more complicated. That is why who pays what is so inconsequential to me. And, it''s also important for probate reasons. Our state is very low. California is super high.