The Non-Friend Friend strikes Again

[meresal]

This is the "Toxic Friend" that I thought I was rid of after the wedding, but Nope! She started dating the roomate of my MOH's boyfriend.


I really thought that nothing she could do would ever bother me again. I have ("HAD") a pretty solid wall built up. I don't care that she doesn't visit... and why would it surprise me that even when I come home, she still can't commit to meeting up? She never did before, unless her "boyfriend at the time" wanted to go.

DH and I are going back to my home town for the weekend. NYE at MOH's lake house, where NFF (non-friend friend) and her boyfriend will be, and then one night back at my parents house, which is in the same city that she lives (10 minutes away).

I asked if we could all meet up on New Years Day evening after we relax and watch football all day... her reply, "Keep us informed. Hopefully (Probably) we will be down for whatever!"

In her world, this phrase means... I'm not going to commit to anything becuase I want to be with BF, and if he doesn't want to go, then I will cancel at the last minute anyway (or) she would come out for an hour and then complain about not feeling well so that she can get back to be with her BF.


DH's response to her text message above, "I hope you realize that if she doesn't meet up with you, I will never speak to her again, and she is not welcome in our home."

He is still pretty pissed that when I was home last, in October; because she wanted to go back to her BF's apartment that night, we had to meet at a loud smokey bar instead of meeting closer to her own apartment and our parents homes, which would have been a non-smoking bar my friends and I always meet at. Ohh, and she also lit up a cigarette at the table right in front of me. When I asked her what she was doing, her response was... "What? Do you want one?" (And yes, she has been pregnant before.)

I don't know what to do. Am I making too big of a deal about this? If she wasn't becoming best friends with my best friend, we would no longer even be talking... but I feel like, since she is part of the "group" now, that I would be isolating myself if I tried to disconnect with her.

 

[emeraldlover1]

Ugh, I hate dealing with frenemies. I have one too and they just complicate things. I want so badly to just end the relationship for good however one of my bf's just got engaged and I will most likely have to deal with this person for the next year and a half. I don't have any real advice other than to assume that she probably isn't going to show up. You know as well as I do that you don't need people in your life like that. You can be friendly but that doesn't mean that you have to go out of your way to make an effort. I hope that makes sense.

ETA...you aren't going to isolate your other friends if you choose to do so with her. You can include her but I wouldn't make plans to do things with her indivudually. That is why I said it is complicated though because well, its easier said then done.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

I know that can be hard

I had a nff like that I ended up uninviting to the wedding and I don''t regret it one bit. Although I still have a few toxic friends to sift through :-\

On another note, I can''t believe she asked you to go to a smokey bar and then light up in front of you and ask if you want one. If people want to smoke while they are pregnant that is their prerogative I guess but to force it on others who are expecting is completely un acceptable and I can see why that would bother you and your dh as well.

I hope it isn''t too bad this weekend

 

[wannaBMrsH]

First of all I send you big, big (((((HUGS)))))

I think that you are in a really rough situation, but I truly hope that you can somehow see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Maybe, I am seeing this way more objectively than you are because I am not so close to the situation. HOWEVER, just think, you have been married for about five months...surely her romance is in it''s final wind, so to speak.

Her previous pattern doesn''t bode well for your MOH''s BF''s roommie. He might even feel that he can''t break up with her because it would be ackward to have her over all the time since she has turned herself into your MOH''s BFF. I know firsthand that it is rough when your friends suddenly start making friends with someone that you introduced but didn''t really like...

The best thing to do is to somehow manage to stay involved with your original friends away from her. I''m sure it has to be rough to go through this while you are expecting, but this is where your awesome hubby comes in. Have him call your MOH and say, "You know, Mere really misses you and feels you don''t spend enough time together. Why don''t you let me buy you TWO dinner (or lunch) while we are in town before the party gets really crazy and everyone starts clamoring for your attention?" or something to that effect...movie tickets for the two of you, facials for the TWO of you, anything that she wouldn''t pass up but that would make it awkward to invite a third party.

That way you stay close and relevant without having to submit yourself to her company.

Again, I know that it sucks to be in your position and I send you many (((((HUGS)))))

 

[Smurfysmiles]

Date: 12/29/2009 10:44:01 AM
Author: wannaBMrsH
First of all I send you big, big (((((HUGS)))))


I think that you are in a really rough situation, but I truly hope that you can somehow see the light at the end of the tunnel.


Maybe, I am seeing this way more objectively than you are because I am not so close to the situation. HOWEVER, just think, you have been married for about five months...surely her romance is in it''s final wind, so to speak.


Her previous pattern doesn''t bode well for your MOH''s BF''s roommie. He might even feel that he can''t break up with her because it would be ackward to have her over all the time since she has turned herself into your MOH''s BFF. I know firsthand that it is rough when your friends suddenly start making friends with someone that you introduced but didn''t really like...


The best thing to do is to somehow manage to stay involved with your original friends away from her. I''m sure it has to be rough to go through this while you are expecting, but this is where your awesome hubby comes in. Have him call your MOH and say, ''You know, Mere really misses you and feels you don''t spend enough time together. Why don''t you let me buy you TWO dinner (or lunch) while we are in town before the party gets really crazy and everyone starts clamoring for your attention?'' or something to that effect...movie tickets for the two of you, facials for the TWO of you, anything that she wouldn''t pass up but that would make it awkward to invite a third party.


That way you stay close and relevant without having to submit yourself to her company.


Again, I know that it sucks to be in your position and I send you many (((((HUGS)))))

I think this is a great idea!

 

[fieryred33143]

If it were me, I''d be very happy to hear that she can''t make it to be honest.

 

[decodelighted]

I don''t understand why you are INVITING her in the first place? Much less why you''re disappointed she won''t "commit" to plans ... or why your DH would ice her out permanently if she declined your invite?

YOU are making a request. People have the right to turn you down or be uncommittal. Just as you had the right to ditch the NYE plan when it became clear there''d been a misunderstanding.

Sounds like your expectations are too high when it comes to this one relationship. There is such a thing as setting yourself up for constant disappointment. Why not let her be the one to make the overtures for a while. And if she DOESN''T -- well there''s your answer.

 

[meresal]

Date: 12/29/2009 10:37:18 AM
Author: emeraldlover1
ETA...you aren''t going to isolate your other friends if you choose to do so with her. You can include her but I wouldn''t make plans to do things with her indivudually. That is why I said it is complicated though because well, its easier said then done.

lol, exactly. Thanks for the input EM.

Smurfy- I''m trying to remind myself that all in all, this weekend is a opportune chance to spend 4 uninterrupted days with my DH that I do not normally get. I am going to try my hardest not to let anything that she does, or anyone else for that matter, get to me and ruin my weekend away with DH.

WBH- I love your idea, but it just isn''t possible this trip. We will be getting in around 5 on NYE, and my best friend has to work that afternoon and won''t arrive at the lake house until about an hour after us. They are then leaving the next day to drive to another city, which means she will be gone the rest of the weekend. I wasn''t aware of this earlier, or else I more than likely would not have committed to driving up... I thought this was a full weekend hang out and we would be able to do more things.

Thank you for the hugs!

 

[meresal]

Date: 12/29/2009 11:02:05 AM
Author: fiery
If it were me, I'd be very happy to hear that she can't make it to be honest.

Ya. It is probably a good thing. A group of us are meeting up, and I guess I thought she might want to join. Once is enough for 2010. I won't be asking again.


Deco, I totally hear you. I know that I am constantly the one putting myself out, and I guess I thought that maybe after getting closer to my friends, she might have changed a bit. She actually calls and contacts me more recently, so I was just assuming things might be different. THEY invited DH and I up for the weekend, and then I have to try and drag them out at night to spend time together. After the baby is here, we will stop going, other than to see my parents. It is my choice 100% to make this trip. It will probably be one of the last times I get a good night out with this group of friends, and I didn't want to let the chance slip by. It is my choice to let her dissapoint me. Like I said, I haven't let her get to me in probably 2 years, I'm not sure why I let this get to me again.

DH icing her out is nothing new. He is civil to her in person, but has no desire to be around her if he had the choice. He sees that she doesn't care about our friendship. After I moved in with DH 2.5 years ago, the first 6 months to a year were very hard, and she dissapointed me time after time. After you see the person you love cry and be hurt by the same person over and over, I think it is normal to develope a strong dissliking to her. I wanted this "friendship" over with after my wedding, and I was dead set on never talking with her again... then she wedged herself into our friendship group, and it doesn't seem to be an option anymore.

How do you go about completely not talking to someone that your friends see everyday? and you are the link that binded them to begin with... which was NOT my choice either.

My expectations have been lowered again... to actually having none at all. The hard part, is knowing that as long as she has some warm body in her bed at night, it doesn't even cross her mind that she is a horrible friend.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 12/29/2009 11:29:33 AM
Author: meresal
How do you go about completely not talking to someone that your friends see everyday? and you are the link that binded them to begin with... which was NOT my choice either.

I''d still talk to her probably ... just not be the one making overtures re: plans. Not set myself up for rejection. (Am going through something similar right now & I agree that it is difficult to rewrite normal friendship rules with regard to one person. Difficult but doable.)

And, yeah, its sad that some folks don''t realize what a **** they are being until much, much later (if ever). That''s why believing in KARMA is so much fun!

 

[tlh]

Date: 12/29/2009 11:02:05 AM
Author: fiery
If it were me, I''d be very happy to hear that she can''t make it to be honest.

True, she sounds like an insecure, needy little turd.

The smokey bar thing, eh, you could have chosen not to go... but the fact that she lit up a cig, and offered you one... ugh... she is just clueless.

 

[meresal]

Date: 12/29/2009 11:37:58 AM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 12/29/2009 11:29:33 AM
Author: meresal
How do you go about completely not talking to someone that your friends see everyday? and you are the link that binded them to begin with... which was NOT my choice either.

I'd still talk to her probably ... just not be the one making overtures re: plans. Not set myself up for rejection. (Am going through something similar right now & I agree that it is difficult to rewrite normal friendship rules with regard to one person. Difficult but doable.)

And, yeah, its sad that some folks don't realize what a **** they are being until much, much later (if ever). That's why believing in KARMA is so much fun!

This is an ole' friend I plan to rely on one day!

I love Karma!


Tlh- Ya, going to the smokey bar was my choice in order to see my friends. (I think I'm proving my pattern here... lol)
To be honest, I think that Clueless would be giving her too much credit. In high school and college you can be clueless. She just doesn't care to care, and if you have been pregnant before, I think it is assumed that you wouldn't offer someone who is, a cigarette. This is after some guy came over to our table, and I told him he was more than welcome to stay and chat, as long as he put his cigarette back on his own table.

 

[tlh]

Ha! Actually i was going to use another word, but it was less kind... so I stuck with clueless. I''m glad you''ve dropped her as a frienemy.

 

[Bliss]

Oh man, I feel for you Mere! Congrats again, btw!

There is always the dreaded NFF lurking in the periphery to ruin a fun night out. It is SO hard to cut them out, because they are vaguely attached to the main group of friends we want to hang out with. Our general rule is, we won't hang out with the NFF unless there will be a BIG group of genuine friends to dilute the poison. It's much more tolerable that way and easier to move away from the black hole when you're surrounded by good people. When NFF invites us out or wants to do something together, we always say no. It's just not worth the damage!

The NFF always manages to annoy by poor manners, lack of consideration or (when in fine form) outright toxicity. Usually, this is all triggered by insecurity or jealousy. When one is in good spirits, the poison slides off like egg on Teflon. When one is caught off guard and exposes any sort of vulnerability, the NFF will strike like a jellyfish! Ouch! It's funny because the NFF has no close friends and always hangs around as a NFF around a group of genuine friends. The NFF survives in the circle due to the goodwill of others, guilt and sometimes pity. If cast on a show like Survivor, the NFF would always be the first one voted off the island. It's really sad if you think about it. They are their own worst enemy.

But like in the ecosystem, even mosquitoes have their purpose and perhaps the NFF's purpose is to remind us how valuable true friendship is.

I am still shaking my head at her lighting up a cigarette around you. It makes me SO mad to see people smoking around children and pregnant women. It's so wrong.

 

[emeraldlover1]

Date: 12/29/2009 6:36:08 PM
Author: Bliss
Oh man, I feel for you Mere! Congrats again, btw!

There is always the dreaded NFF lurking in the periphery to ruin a fun night out. It is SO hard to cut them out, because they are vaguely attached to the main group of friends we want to hang out with. Our general rule is, we won''t hang out with the NFF unless there will be a BIG group of genuine friends to dilute the poison. It''s much more tolerable that way and easier to move away from the black hole when you''re surrounded by good people. When NFF invites us out or wants to do something together, we always say no. It''s just not worth the damage!

The NFF always manages to annoy by poor manners, lack of consideration or (when in fine form) outright toxicity. Usually, this is all triggered by insecurity or jealousy. When one is in good spirits, the poison slides off like egg on Teflon. When one is caught off guard and exposes any sort of vulnerability, the NFF will strike like a jellyfish! Ouch! It''s funny because the NFF has no close friends and always hangs around as a NFF around a group of genuine friends. The NFF survives in the circle due to the goodwill of others, guilt and sometimes pity. If cast on a show like Survivor, the NFF would always be the first one voted off the island. It''s really sad if you think about it. They are their own worst enemy.

But like in the ecosystem, even mosquitoes have their purpose and perhaps the NFF''s purpose is to remind us how valuable true friendship is.

I am still shaking my head at her lighting up a cigarette around you. It makes me SO mad to see people smoking around children and pregnant women. It''s so wrong.

Yes, Yes, Yes! This is exactly what I wanted to say. Thanks, Bliss!

 

[kittybean]

Ugh. NFFs are the worst, especially when they will not go away.

The solution to your current issue (not the whole NFF problem) is easy. Just don''t make plans with her. Say nothing, don''t "keep her informed," and if it comes up later, just have your own NFF excuse handy. For example, "Oh, DH wasn''t feeling well," or, "I was tired," or, "My mom wanted us to have a late dinner with them," or, "I was washing my hair and totally forgot about you." If she calls and asks you to meet her somewhere, then go if you really want to.

In regard to the bigger issue, I think you can just stop being in touch with her. Why make the effort? You can still be nice and friendly to her at parties or friendly get-togethers, but don''t set yourself up for disappointment. Don''t waste any more time/energy/whatever on her--she clearly isn''t putting in any work on your friendship, so why should you? You have so many more wonderful things going on in your life right now--I''d just focus on the things that are important to you and that make you happy (keeping in mind NFFs will never make you happy).

 

[Bliss]

EM1, sounds like you have a few NFFs lurking in your circles as well! I think there's at least one NFF for every group of friends! Sometimes two! And they trade off on who gets to be the jellyfish that night! LOL And I don't know how they do it, but they can locate all of your buttons like no one can!

Ohhh, kittybean...NFFs NEVER go away. Never ever ever! It should be NFFF...the last F stands for FOREVER.

 

[emeraldlover1]

Date: 12/29/2009 9:33:13 PM
Author: Bliss
EM1, sounds like you have a few NFFs lurking in your circles as well! I think there''s at least one NFF for every group of friends! Sometimes two! And they trade off on who gets to be the jellyfish that night! LOL And I don''t know how they do it, but they can locate all of your buttons like no one can!

Ohhh, kittybean...NFFs NEVER go away. Never ever ever! It should be NFFF...the last F stands for FOREVER.

Oh yeah. I tried to avoid drama by including a NFF in my wedding. BAD IDEA. She only made things worse. I''m sooooooooooo over it. And the worst is she talks to the rest of our group because she thinks I''m the NFF. At least the rest of my FF''s know the deal and now for the most part she only gets invited when someone is feeling nice. They are always really complicated situations. The good news is that I have vowed to myself to deal with situations with the NFF head on instead of passive aggressivly like I normally do. If she starts drama then well, I guess I''ll figure out who my true friends are once and for all. Thankfully, I haven''t heard from her since my wedding and I probably won''t. This isn''t my story though.

 

[meresal]

LOL. Your replies are making me feel much better. I''m glad to know that other peole out of high school still have NFF''s around.

The whole situation makes me feel so juvenile.

 

[Kaleigh]

You need to let this NFF go... You don't need this nonsense in your life. She sounds like she's a friend of your's on her own terms. and that's not a true friend. Thing is?? She's moved on probably as well.

You deserve better... I wouldn't give her a second thought. Really and truly.... HUGS

 

[katamari]

One of my friends calls NFFs "FBOFs" for facebook-only-friends. I say you demote her to this until she starts working harder to be your friend, as many others have suggested. That way, you can still keep up on one anothers lives so you don''t completely loose touch, but you don''t have to deal with the drama or effort of being the one who reaches out. She will come back when her and her BF break up or hit a passion plateau.

 

[elrohwen]

Date: 12/29/2009 11:02:05 AM
Author: fiery
If it were me, I'd be very happy to hear that she can't make it to be honest.

Ditto this.

ETA: Just because she's part of the group now doesn't mean you have to make any effort to hang out with her. Other people can invite her to group get-togethers and if you're both there, you can talk and be civil and that's it. I have plenty of "group friends" who I don't see outside of the group (though it's not because I dislike them or anything) and there's nothing wrong with that. She'll just be a friend that you see only as part of the group.