Teenagers not acknowledging gifts

[CJ2008]

Actually, I don''t at all expect a thank you note...a quick 2-minute call would do! a text would do! You get the point.

I agree that the parents should TOTALLY be setting the example. Without getting into too much details, let''s just say that we know it might fall on deaf ears or start a huge feud.

As far as starting a feud with her, that''s not my intention. And I wouldn''t explain anything to her because there''s nothing to explain...if DH and I make the decision that we''re OK with scaling back the gifts and we''re doing it so that so we don''t build resentment, and that in turn allows us to be MORE loving and open with her, I think that''s actually a great outcome. And I do think, like I said earlier, that it''s too early to know how we will really feel as time passes - perhaps when Christmas comes around we''ll look at each other and say, "let''s send her this - she''ll love it."

And if that''s what happens it''s because we did that from a loving place - and because we''ve accepted and are ok with her not acknowledging the gifts - but not out of fear of starting a feud with her. After all, there''s a million reasons why we might have to scale back gifts...wouldnt'' be a bad lesson for her to learn that it''s not always about gifts - you can show you care and love someone in other ways, and that can change over time depending on circumstances.

We often remind her that we''re here for her...

 

[sparkly_stars]

Date: 9/27/2009 7:11:04 PM
Author: swingirl
Considering how many adults don''t send back their RSVPs and how many brides don''t send our timely thank yous it doesn''t strike me as odd that a 16 year old would be lazy with her thank yous. I am guessing she will not notice the lack of gifts from you if you decide to stop sending her things. And if she does she won;t put it together with her lack of gratitude.


So if you only want to give gifts to someone who thanks you, you should stop sending things to your niece. But if you want to stay connected to her then send her cards or letters and don''t expect anything in return. But you are the adult and she is just a kid and probably an immature one with problems you couldn''t imagine.

i disagree, she will notice that there are lack of gifts- if i received a DIAMOND bracelet from someone at the age of 16, and knew that they always sent me SOMETHING, trust me you notice. I agree though, that she might not realize that the lack of presents are a result of her manners/lack of gratitude.

i am 24, and i never sent "thank yous" growing up- but it might just be a culture thing. i ALWAYS called though, to say thank you.

for those who say "don''t give expecting a thank you" - i completely disagree, (respectfully of course). part of gift giving is about the reaction (my favorite part), i don''t give wanting praise, and an endless series of thank yous...one will suffice!

what to do now? i liked your idea of a txt...she IS 16 afterall, i think kids txt more then they talk in person! ha ha. (you see groups of kids "hanging out" but no one is talking they are all on their cell phones.

i think in the future, if you have an important gift to give i would try and do it in person? (is this hard to do?)- i say that because i''m sure she IS thankful, but some people assume you know they will be.

okay. i am babbling. don''t write her off, she''s 16...if her parents aren''t ideal...perhaps manners can come from you!

 

[partgypsy]

That''s too bad, as it is a good skill for her to learn.
I always send my brother''s kids something for their birthday, Xmas. My brother usually thanks me on the girl''s behalf but I don''t mind as she usually hand writes or signs a birthday card to me. My nephew was good about thanking me for gifts, but then went a few years in the early teen years where typically would not personally thank me. I could have stopped sending him something but I think of it more as a manners issue than an affection issue. Instead after sending a birthday card/money with no response I mentioned it to my brother, and promptly got an email from my nephew thanking me and also updating me about current events.
If a child does not have a good parental role model it can be a real hurdle for the child to make the initiative to thank someone for gifts. It''s up to you whether or not you stop the gifts, but I would make the giving gifts separate from maintaining a relationship with her.

 

[swingirl]

Date: 9/29/2009 12:29:02 PM
Author: sparkly_stars

Date: 9/27/2009 7:11:04 PM

Author: swingirl

Considering how many adults don't send back their RSVPs and how many brides don't send our timely thank yous it doesn't strike me as odd that a 16 year old would be lazy with her thank yous. I am guessing she will not notice the lack of gifts from you if you decide to stop sending her things. And if she does she won;t put it together with her lack of gratitude.

So if you only want to give gifts to someone who thanks you, you should stop sending things to your niece. But if you want to stay connected to her then send her cards or letters and don't expect anything in return. But you are the adult and she is just a kid and probably an immature one with problems you couldn't imagine.

i disagree, she will notice that there are lack of gifts- if i received a DIAMOND bracelet from someone at the age of 16, and knew that they always sent me SOMETHING, trust me you notice. I agree though, that she might not realize that the lack of presents are a result of her manners/lack of gratitude.

You are assuming her life is grand and that she cares about material things. When kids have tough lives, stress at home and school, an unstable future to think about and problems no one can guess, a thank you for a bracelet may be a very low priority. Not saying I know this particular girl but you never know what goes on in someone's life---not to mention people not being able to thank someone because they don't feel like they deserve the gift in the first place. It can be a lot more that bad manners.

 

[CJ2008]

Date: 9/29/2009 8:39:48 PM
Author: swingirl

Date: 9/29/2009 12:29:02 PM
Author: sparkly_stars

Date: 9/27/2009 7:11:04 PM

Author: swingirl

Considering how many adults don''t send back their RSVPs and how many brides don''t send our timely thank yous it doesn''t strike me as odd that a 16 year old would be lazy with her thank yous. I am guessing she will not notice the lack of gifts from you if you decide to stop sending her things. And if she does she won;t put it together with her lack of gratitude.

So if you only want to give gifts to someone who thanks you, you should stop sending things to your niece. But if you want to stay connected to her then send her cards or letters and don''t expect anything in return. But you are the adult and she is just a kid and probably an immature one with problems you couldn''t imagine.

i disagree, she will notice that there are lack of gifts- if i received a DIAMOND bracelet from someone at the age of 16, and knew that they always sent me SOMETHING, trust me you notice. I agree though, that she might not realize that the lack of presents are a result of her manners/lack of gratitude.

You are assuming her life is grand and that she cares about material things. When kids have tough lives, stress at home and school, an unstable future to think about and problems no one can guess, a thank you for a bracelet may be a very low priority. Not saying I know this particular girl but you never know what goes on in someone''s life---not to mention people not being able to thank someone because they don''t feel like they deserve the gift in the first place. It can be a lot more that bad manners.

It is a lot more than bad manners. Everything you said is unfortunately true for this girl. We don''t know what''s going on in her life because she won''t really talk to us much, but we hear through family that she''s headed down the wrong path, and fast. I feel desperate sometimes but I am not sure what else we could do. I started sending her letters figuring they might reach her in a way that a phone call won''t. So I think for me this was about a lot more than her saying thank you or not - I think it''s a rejection on her part. And like I said earlier, she''s rejected us and hurt us before, but we don''t want to give up on her because we know that she didn''t ask to have the life she has had. Although she has love and support from many members of the family she didn''t have her parents in her life for a long time - and it was the family that cared for her and DH (and then me also) who did a lot for her and was there for her in every way. Her parents are back in the picture now, but she''d be better off without them, as they do not set good examples for her. More and more she has rejected and pushed us away and we think in some ways the parents are not helping that - this is just a guess, but we think there may be some talking about us or even making fun of us for caring so much about school and things like that.

As far as this gift, I texted her 4 times, the first one asking if she liked the bracelet, the 2nd asking if she got the message, the 3rd telling her that I''m thinking if we didn''t hear from her that perhaps she didn''t like it, and that it''s OK if she didn''t. The last text was basically asking her if everything was OK - no response. But we know through the family that her phone is working fine - so she''s ignoring the text messages.

Perhaps getting such an expensive/sweet gift and card reminded her of how things could be - and she rejects it and hates us for it. Or perhaps she feels what we sent her is more for the IMAGE we have of her rather than who she REALLY is.

I feel like crying right now because there seems to be nothing we could do right for her. Everything we do seems to be a mistake. We got her this gift because we knew she probably wouldn''t have much of a sweet 16 and we wanted to make sure she felt special. Swingirl, like you said, she probably cared nothing about it and didn''t see it as a gesture of love but as something else.

 

[CJ2008]

sparkly and part gypsy - I appreciate your comments.

And sparkly - I''m with you. One thank you will suffice, and it does not have to be a handwritten note. With this girl, as I just said in the above post, is a bit more complicated than just bad manners.

part gypsy - maintaining a relationship with her is something we will never stop trying to do - at least not while she''s young and needs to know we love her no matter what.

 

[janinegirly]

didnt read all the responses, but I was raised to always always send a handwritten note to say thank you and continue to do so no matter how small the gift or how many I have to write! I will teach my daughter the same. An email is ok, but not the same. I know everyone appreciates the note, even those who do not reciprocate themselves--it is a thoughtful gesture which is merited if someone took the time to give you a gift!

in this particular case, it seems she doesn''t have good role models if this has been the norm for awhile. Can you say something to the parents..I mean isn''t it their role to try to teach her? I know when I was a teen, I was so annoyed about writing them, and sometimes stalled, but always did in the end since there were repercussions! (cold shoulder from Grandma and everyone mad at me!).

In your shoes, I''d say something to the parents and then stop with the gifts and just send simple cards acknowledging events. She''ll get the message. Like you said, you''ve already tried the direct approach. Being a teenager isn''t really an excuse. I guess I''m just a stickler on this!

 

[CJ2008]

Date: 10/1/2009 12:06:52 PM
Author: janinegirly
didnt read all the responses, but I was raised to always always send a handwritten note to say thank you and continue to do so no matter how small the gift or how many I have to write! I will teach my daughter the same. An email is ok, but not the same. I know everyone appreciates the note, even those who do not reciprocate themselves--it is a thoughtful gesture which is merited if someone took the time to give you a gift!

in this particular case, it seems she doesn''t have good role models if this has been the norm for awhile. Can you say something to the parents..I mean isn''t it their role to try to teach her? I know when I was a teen, I was so annoyed about writing them, and sometimes stalled, but always did in the end since there were repercussions! (cold shoulder from Grandma and everyone mad at me!).

In your shoes, I''d say something to the parents and then stop with the gifts and just send simple cards acknowledging events. She''ll get the message. Like you said, you''ve already tried the direct approach. Being a teenager isn''t really an excuse. I guess I''m just a stickler on this!

It is their role, and should be their role...but they don''t play it...and if we say soemthing to them they''d probably get offended we mentioned it, as if we''re questioning how they''re teaching her...

It''s a no-win situation...

 

[zhuzhu]

I don''t have good advice to give, but I FEEL YOU. My nieces and nephews from DH''s family are also like your niece. They never send thank you notes or even email! and are spoiled rotten by the family members from both sides. I always show appreciation via thank you notes and understandably expect the same in return. It is frustrating sometimes to see your inlaw''s family holding a different standard on manners than your own. Unfortunately I can''t change them, so I just ignore them and wish the best for them...

 

[CJ2008]

Yeah, it''s tough...

My husband spent some time with my niece this weekend, and asked her if she got the gift, and if she liked it...she said yes, but still never said thank you...

Who knows what that''s all about.

 

[Apsara]

With all due respect, I do not buy any of the excuses in some of the posts.

My husband has a niece/God-daughter to whom we sent gifts every birthday and Christmas, even years ago when we were broke and $20 in a card meant we had to cut the grocery list by half. Not once, ONCE in 16 years did she ever acknowledge us. No call, no card. One Christmas we had to go through all this trouble to send something bubble-wrapped via UPS, etc. Nothing. So, we stopped.

I don''t give gifts so I can be thanked--it is SO not about that. But my attitude is if you can''t thank someone who THINKS of you and CARES enough to pick out, wrap and lovingly send a gift, then I guess there really isn''t a relationship worth acknowledging. And I am at the point in my life where my time is so precious, I don''t waste it on anything or anyone who isn''t meeting me 1/2 way.

And for the record--yes--parents influence this--EVERY time we got a card or gift my mother marched us to the phone to call and thank the person. And when it was a formal event (Confirmation, graduations), personalized thank-you notes went out within 4 weeks of the event. Period. So my sister-in-law bears some of the responsibility in my situation--she has no class. However, a 16-yr old who has the wherewithall to spend the money you send/use the gift you send should know enough to dial a phone or spend the 44 cents on a stamp and thank you.