Teenagers not acknowledging gifts

[CJ2008]

I would love some advice/ideas on how to handle this.

The last couple of times we sent our teenage niece a gift, she didn''t acknolwedge them. She turned 16 last week and we wanted to send her something extra special, so we sent her a white gold/diamond bracelet that cost $120. We felt it was a pretty special gift.

She still hasn''t called to say thank you (and it''s not a matter of the package not having been delivered).

We know she doesn''t have good parent role models AT ALL - so we make it a point to be good examples. I don''t remember exactly how we handled the last time she didn''t acknowledge a gift, but I think we might have called to ask her if she got it, and then at some point explained to her that it''s proper to acknowledge gifts and that it kind of hurts not to hear from her because we put thought and time into the gifts we send her. We''re always careful to "lead" and teach her while still showing her that we love her even if she makes a mistake.

I don''t know how we should handle this one. I am certain she knows she should have called but doesn''t. In other words I believe it registers with her that she should call but she chooses not to. Now, understand I do not hold this against her - I know she''s angry about a lot of things in her life, and I understand that even though we don''t deserve it, it''s not personal, it''s a lashing out at the universe. Plus, she''s a teenager and has her 1000 things that take priority and are much more fun than calling us.

Regardless of WHY she doesn''t call, though, we want to make sure we don''t excuse things we shouldn''t - we just want to do it in a way that really makes her think for herself and hopefully inspires her to do the right thing. I don''t want her calling just because someone tells her to, I always hope she WANTS to call. And even if she doesn''t really want to (hey, I hate the phone as much as the next person) that she understands you just DO certain things sometimes because it''s the right thing.

So I believe we already did the explaining to her why she should call, the explanation of how it makes us feel when she doesn''t, and I''m sure at some point I''d told her that hey, we won''t keep you on for a long time, but we do want to hear from you.

My instincts tell me we need to do something different this time, although I''m not sure what. Sometimes it''s hard because I want to strangle her (not over this necessarily, but other things that she says and does) but I know that''s not the way to reach her. Not easy. What else do you think we could do? Or is it as simple as explaining it again?

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Stop sending/giving gifts. Period. With the holiday''s coming up, not receiving a gift may really bum her out--and if it comes to explaining why you skipped her this year, you have the perfect reasoning--why would go out of your way to give her something if it''s not appreciated and you''re not thanked for it?

Sometimes you have to teach hard lessons...you can try to reason, you can try to talk it out...but when all else fails, sometimes it just comes down to good old fashioned showing not telling. You don''t need to buy her things...you do it out of the goodness of your heart, but if you''re left feeling let down afterwards---stop it.

You gave her a beautiful bracelet...it''s something that you needed to be properly thanked for. She failed at doing that. While you can''t take the bracelet back, you do have the ability to rearrange your handling of her in the future. A lovely card will more than do the trick, IMHO, from here on out until she understands better the importance of the word thank you.

 

[KimberlyH]

Do nothing about this gift. It seems you know she''s recieved it and she is not one to acknowledge gifts. No reason to make the same point again, as she didn''t hear you the first time.

In the future don''t buy her anything else. Giving should be done without expectation, including reciept of a thank you (of course it''s the polite thing to do, but it should never be expected). It seems giving her things simply frustrates you, so there is no point in continuing to do so, no matter her life circumstance.

As for her general behavior and attitude the best you can do is lead by example. Lectures aren''t usually the most effective path with teenagers, especially not recalcitrant teenagers.

 

[phoenixgirl]

I agree that you should let it go. I do think it''s appropriate as adults to explain things that children may simply not understand -- when my 11 year old neighbor told me the day before my baby shower that she couldn''t come because she had been invited to hang out with a friend ("but, like, I really wish I could be there"), I told her that this wasn''t really an appropriate reason to miss something you had already RSVPed to. She still didn''t come, but I told her the truth for her future reference. And then I let it go because she''s 11!

But you say you''ve already told your niece that it''s rude not to say thank you. So you''ve said your piece. You may get a thank you verbally the next time you see her, or you may notice her wearing it. The younger generation is much less formal and if her parents don''t model/encourage writing thank you notes or calling, then she probably just takes it for granted and has no idea she''s being rude or that you were expecting a thank you within a certain time frame. You''re her uncle and aunt; of course you gave her a present. That''s what you''re supposed to do (in her mind, that is).

I''d probably start sending cards instead of presents. That way she knows that you''re thinking about her, but you''re not wondering if your gesture was wasted on someone who doesn''t care. I wouldn''t just stop acknowledging her special moments, though. I think she''s allowed to go through an oblivious/callous teenager phase without being written off.

My uncle stopped being in touch for a long time because his wife was chronically ill. When she passed away, he got back in touch and now he''s a "real" uncle again. Even though the reconnection happened as an adult, I was really glad to have him back in my life. As a teenager, I didn''t understand that he didn''t keep up with us because of what was going on in his personal life, not because he didn''t care. Your niece is lucky to have you in her life, and that''s the important thing, not whether or not you send her presents (although I''m sure if she had the choice, she''d prefer getting presents over not!).

 

[Kaleigh]

I know it's frustrating. But honestly, you have aleady told her, that she needs to say thank you. It fell on deaf ears. And you have filled us in that her parents aren't exctly teaching her proper etiquette and manners.

Let it go.... But don't write her off either... Send cards from now on. Even a thinking of you card... She will know you care about her. I do this with my neice. I didn't get a thank you for a lovely necklace I sent. It was Christmas and heard from her Mom that she was beyond thrilled with it. But never heard her reaction. I take a lot of time in choosing gifts, and was disappointed she didn't say thanks.
But just knowing she loved it, was all I needed.

She's 12. She went to sleep away camp. She was worried that she would be homesick. I sent letters to her before the camp started, so as soon as she would get there, there would be letters of love and support waiting for her. The letters she wrote me back thanking me?? Priceless. I didn't need her to write so often, but she wanted to.. I have to say I treasure those letters, she's a wonderful young woman.

My point?? I do have one I promise.

Send a card, say hey how's it going?? I think your giving her some attention and support will go along way... Just a feeling I have.

My kids were taught to write a note as soon as you get a gift. But that's how Hubby and I were brought up.

I know after I opened my gifts Christmas morning, My afternoon was spent writing the thank you notes...

A little extreme...

 

[Lanie]

My niece is the same way...she''s 14 and never calls to say thank you and never writes thank you notes. Her parents have never taught her to do that. They are the same way.

While it''s easy to say to never gift her a gift again, isn''t it about giving the gift and not about receiving the thank you? I wouldn''t be spending 120 dollars on a 16 year old to begin with!

 

[CJ2008]

Thank you all so much for your input!

It seems that you all agree on two things:

1. Telling her again is pointless (I knew this, needed to hear it, thank you)
2. Stop sending her gifts

Italia and KimberlyH- yes, showing is so much more powerful than telling...and I agree that lectures aren't the most effective path - sometimes it seems it's ALL we have though, as we live far away and aren't "present" in her life to be constant sources of good example. HOWEVER - I do try to keep the talking to a minimum so she gets the main point of what we're trying to say before she's

(which I'm sure she gets to way quicker than I think).

Phoenix, I thought it was interesting that you brought up the "timeframe" issue. There's a part of me that thinks it's possible that she'll send a thank you card. And I do think that if she does, DH and I need to appreciate it no matter when she sends it, even though we would have preferred to hear from her sooner. Honestly, if she did that, I would focus on acknowledging that she sent one (or called, or whatever) rather than focusing that she didn't do it "quick enough." I think that's one of those instances where you need to rise above and look at the positive regardless of what you yourself would do.

Kaleigh, I love what you said about writing letters and show support and caring that way. I do keep in touch with my niece via letters because I know that as angry as she is, a letter is something she can read privately and really "feel" me without having to deal with me in real time. I hope that those letters reach her in some way, even though she never writes me back. One thing I always tell my DH is that as much as she pushes us away, and it's tempting to write her off, we never will...

ETA:

Lanie - we never spend that much either...only because it was her sweet 16...we really wanted to do something extra special.

As far as about whether to expect a thank you or not...this is how I feel about thank you's. It's never what's on my mind when I'm purchasing a gift - I was THRILLED to send her this bracelet and the last thing on my mind was getting a thank you. But, when I don't get a thank you, I notice it, and don't like it. So obviously I expect one. So either I have to change that "expectation" or change what I do. I don't think I can honestly say I can be OK with sending gifts (to anybody) and not getting a thank you. So until I can do that, I will have to stop sending gifts and just send a thoughtful card instead. I can be OK with that as I can still show plenty of love and support in other ways.

 

[soocool]

My DD is 16 and sends a thank-you note as well as calls the person to thank them for the gift even if she does not like the gift. This is how she was raised. DD receives gifts that she would never even think of picking out for herself and said she would truly prefer not receiving a gift.

Now DD''s friends.. She has a few that don''t even acknowledge the gift even as they are opening them and just toss them aside. I asked DD about this and she said that these kids really do not want the gifts they receive. They''ll acknowledge the things they really want, but could care less about the thought and investment other people put into picking out the gifts they don''t like.

The gifts she and her friends truly acknowledge are taking them out to dinner at the restaurant of their choice and letting them pick out their own gift within a certain dollar limit by going shopping with them. For example, my DD was so happy when her realtives chipped in to buy her class ring last year. She called everyone immediately when she got the note about getting her the ring and when she got the actual ring. She even went out of her way to make a special thank-you note with a photo of her ring and a poem of what the rings means to her.

A lot of kids this age are picky and your tastes may not match theirs. However, even after you get them the gift they really want and they don''t acknowledge it, they doesn''t deserve the gift, imo. You be the judge.

 

[CJ2008]

soocool - we thought about that - that she possibly didn't like the bracelet. That might be the case. And we would be OK with her exchanging it, we made sure the store is in her area as well. Might have been smart to include a note telling her that - didn't think of it. Of course, in the past we sent her things like gift cards so that she can go and spend it anywhere she wanted...and she didn't acknowledge that either.

Well - I think the bottom line is, there seems to be nothing we can do. Either we continue to send gifts on special occasions just because we love her, and want to, and are OK with having no idea if she liked it, didn't like it, etc...or, we send her gifts more sparingly, only when we can fully be OK that she might not even acknowledge it. Otherwise, we send her a card.

And I guess we could ask her the kinds of things she'd like - how funny I never thought of doing that...I used to do that when she was younger but haven't in a while. I guess maybe a part of me thought she'd pick things way more than I'd be willing to spend, I'm not sure...

 

[swingirl]

Considering how many adults don't send back their RSVPs and how many brides don't send our timely thank yous it doesn't strike me as odd that a 16 year old would be lazy with her thank yous. I am guessing she will not notice the lack of gifts from you if you decide to stop sending her things. And if she does she won;t put it together with her lack of gratitude.

So if you only want to give gifts to someone who thanks you, you should stop sending things to your niece. But if you want to stay connected to her then send her cards or letters and don't expect anything in return. But you are the adult and she is just a kid and probably an immature one with problems you couldn't imagine.

 

[CJ2008]

Date: 9/27/2009 7:11:04 PM
Author: swingirl
Considering how many adults don''t send back their RSVPs and how many brides don''t send our timely thank yous it doesn''t strike me as odd that a 16 year old would be lazy with her thank yous. I am guessing she will not notice the lack of gifts from you if you decide to stop sending her things. And if she does she won;t put it together with her lack of gratitude.

So if you only want to give gifts to someone who thanks you, you should stop sending things to your niece. But if you want to stay connected to her then send her cards or letters and don''t expect anything in return. But you are the adult and she is just a kid and probably an immature one with problems you couldn''t imagine.

Good point.

All things I''ve considered, especially that she''s a kid, I''m the adult, etc. There are plenty of other things DH and I have done for her that she hasn''t acknowledged - but if in the end it''s for her benefit, that''s all that counts. And I will continue to do those things even when she seems ungrateful.

For some reason, I feel different about gifts. I''m not sure why. I do not want to send a gift to someone that doesn''t say thank you - at least not on a consistent basis. I might still be feeling especially loving towards her and want to send her something, and then I can. The letters I send her, which also take time, I send 100% w/o expectation - I''m just happy that she gets them and love that for those 5 minutes I''m connecting with her. So that to me seems to be an indication that I need to continue doing that, perhaps doing it even more.

 

[swingirl]

She''s a lucky teenager to have an aunt like you!!!

 

[CJ2008]

I'm sitting here thinking...

Would it be good if I texted her asking her if she liked the bracelet? This way she wouldn't feel put on the spot (might be easier for her to say no), and it can be way more neutral (since it's writing there won't be any tone or weird emotion in my voice)...

The only thing that would keep me from doing it is that if she was planning to send a thank you card it may take her thunder away a little bit by asking her...

But something tells me it might be a good thing...keep things neutral...and even if she wrote back just "yeah" (wouldn't surprise me) I can still manage to sound positive and say "oh, we're so glad - happy birthday" - which would be harder for me to do on the phone...

 

[CJ2008]

Date: 9/27/2009 7:23:54 PM
Author: swingirl
She''s a lucky teenager to have an aunt like you!!!

Thanks...it''s hard to know WHAT to do...no matter how hard we try it seems we can do no right by her sometimes. It''s exhausting sometimes.

I just know we can''t give up on her and I''m hoping that even if what we tell her doesn''t reach her now it will one day. You wouldn''t believe how many times I have told DH "we are the adults."

 

[movie zombie]

you talked to her. she knows you think its important and you would appreciate a thank you. what more is there to it? don''t send her any more presents. send her a card acknowledging important holidays and her birthday. nothing else.

if she asks why she isn''t getting any more presents you really don''t owe her an explanation.....but you could just say you''ve cut back your list. let her figure it out. she''s beyond the age of a child and as as such should not think that gifts are mandatory. and if she does, well, then, thank yous are also mandatory.

mz

ps my rule: no thank you, no gift no matter if friend or relative..............i know that one is supposed to give for the joy of giving. but manners are also a joy.

 

[Haven]

Date: 9/27/2009 8:05:47 PM
Author: movie zombie
you talked to her. she knows you think its important and you would appreciate a thank you. what more is there to it? don''t send her any more presents. send her a card acknowledging important holidays and her birthday. nothing else.

if she asks why she isn''t getting any more presents you really don''t owe her an explanation.....but you could just say you''ve cut back your list. let her figure it out. she''s beyond the age of a child and as as such should not think that gifts are mandatory. and if she does, well, then, thank yous are also mandatory.

mz

ps my rule: no thank you, no gift no matter if friend or relative..............i know that one is supposed to give for the joy of giving. but manners are also a joy.

Big, emphatic ditto, here.

In my family we stop giving gifts if someone doesn''t send a thank you note. Manners are just important as gift-giving, as far as we''re concerned.

 

[hlmr]

Hi!

Before I give my opinion, I just want you to know that manners are paramount to me. I have spent fifteen years hammering them into my son, but this is how I feel about what you have written about your niece.

Her manners are not there, but I''ll bet she appreciates the gift. As you said, I am sure her lack thereof is not personal.....

It sounds like she is going through a hard time in life right now. I would let it go, but don''t stop letting her know you are thinking of her, even if it is through a token card/gift.

Someday she will look back and appreciate your effort and kind consideration. Sometimes being the adult means no immediate thank you''s or appreciation.

 

[cara]

They are proto-adults, you can't force them to do anything. And if their parents aren't encouraging them to send thank-you notes, its going to be a really tough thing to inspire without nagging, and you've already made one attempt.

you can certainly follow the advice given here and stop the gifts if it is too annoying or hurtful or whatever that said expensive gifts are not properly acknowledged. As giving gifts shouldn't be annoying for you.

But if it doesn't feel burdensome, I think you can give smaller gifts as you like, with the appropriate expectations. Especially if, by inquiring to her parents, you can figure out that she does actually like the gifts and when you do see or speak to her she is interested in a relationship with you. Not to excuse her behavior by lowering expectations, but it can be a really foreign thing to write a thank you note if its not taught or expected within her home (at least it was for me! ahh, I was awful in hindsight!) Your contact and goodwill may bear fruit later in your life or relationship with the girl, whos to know? But only if you can give small things and not be annoyed or feel put out if the girl continues to behave impolitely in response... As for you to keep getting annoyed would be no good for your relationship with her.

 

[makemepretty]

Give because you want to. I give gifts all the time to people and NEVER expect to be thanked. It feels good to give something you think someone might like, even if it''s not acknowledged.


If you want to know if she liked it or received it, call her. Not giving her any more gifts because she hasn''t thanked you properly seems spiteful and ruins the intent of the gift in my opinion. Being kind to someone is it''s own reward.

 

[Laila619]

I would talk to her parents (presumably it''s your sibling, or DH''s sibling) about whether she got the gift and why she didn''t acknowledge it. Her parents are just as bad for not teaching their daughter to send a nice thank you note.

Growing up my mom would have kicked my booty if I hadn''t sent out a thank you. She would have been mortified.

You''re a nice aunt.

 

[CJ2008]

Thanks for all the latest posts, everyone...many things that you all said made me think and look at things from a different perpective.

I have come to the conclusion that this is what we''ll do:

As far as THIS present, what''s done is done. We sent it to her because we thought she''d love it, and because we wanted to do something extra special. I have decided to let go of any resentment and expectation and accept whatever comes, or doesn''t. I sent her a text asking her if she liked the bracelet and will respond in a positive manner no matter what she says - if she likes it, I''ll say something like "great! enjoy it." If she says she doesn''t, I''ll say something to the effect that we want her to love it and that we''ll send her the receipt so she can exchange it.

And leave it at that and be totally at peace with it.

As far as going forward...

"Give because you want to" is exactly right. I can "should" myself all I want, but the reality is, I don''t want to give gifts to someone who doesn''t acknowledge them. That said...it''s too early and too close to this latest gift (and our relationship to this girl a very special one because of her circumstances) to know how DH and I will really feel about not sending her any more gifts, or scale them back. Regardless of what we choose to do it will NOT be from a place of spite, but from a place of ACCEPTANCE as to what we''re willing to do without feeling resentful that she seems ungrateful. We can and will always continue to show her love and kindness in many ways.

 

[makemepretty]

Give because you want to. I give gifts all the time to people and NEVER expect to be thanked. It feels good to give something you think someone might like, even if it''s not acknowledged.


If you want to know if she liked it or received it, call her. Not giving her any more gifts because she hasn''t thanked you properly seems spiteful and ruins the intent of the gift in my opinion. Being kind to someone is it''s own reward.

Also, kids and teenagers never want to speak to "grown ups", it''s not personal. I used to dread having to call my Grandma. Like I said, don''t expect a thank you and you won''t be disappointed. It doesn''t make her a bad person IMHO, just young.

 

[CJ2008]

Date: 9/28/2009 11:41:06 AM
Author: makemepretty
Give because you want to. I give gifts all the time to people and NEVER expect to be thanked. It feels good to give something you think someone might like, even if it''s not acknowledged.


If you want to know if she liked it or received it, call her. Not giving her any more gifts because she hasn''t thanked you properly seems spiteful and ruins the intent of the gift in my opinion. Being kind to someone is it''s own reward.

Also, kids and teenagers never want to speak to ''grown ups'', it''s not personal. I used to dread having to call my Grandma. Like I said, don''t expect a thank you and you won''t be disappointed. It doesn''t make her a bad person IMHO, just young.

I hear you. If it''s what makes YOU feel good, good for you - I think it''s great that some people can give w/o caring whether the person says thank you or not. That is not where I am, at least right now, and perhaps I will never get there. Not sure I strive to, either. Although I might strive for that with this particular person because of what she means to us.

I absolutely don''t think she''s a bad person - I understand not wanting to call more than any other person on Earth - I hate the phone and hate calling people for any reason. I wish I was a teenager so I could get away with not calling! That''s why I texted her - much more likely she''ll respond to that.

 

[dragonfly411]

I wanted to offer up a different viewpoint that may be the case. When I was that young we did a birthday dinner/celebration where I opened gifts. Many times my aunts and uncles were not present. When I opened I''d say "thank you such and such" to my parents in hopes that they could relay the message the next time they spoke to the giver/givers b/c I didn''t know their phone numbers.

Do you think that is a possibility? Like "Tell aunt CJ I said thank you?" and they forgot to relay?

 

[CJ2008]

Hi DG...thanks for another viewpoint...

well, I guess it''s possible, but it''s highly unlikely...just based on the fact that it''s been the case before that one of her parents called or told us...we always talk to her directly...

 

[iheartscience]

Hmmm, that's a real bummer. I know you're not supposed to give a gift with an expectation, but expecting a thank you note doesn't seem like too much expectation. My mom was always on top of me and my siblings about thank you notes so we always sent them, but as a teenager if she hadn't been on top of me I don't know that I would have sent them, to be honest.

I know you said her parents aren't good role models, but considering that you actually told her she should send a thank you note and she still didn't send you one after you sent her a very generous gift, I would probably just stop sending gifts and send a card instead.

My mom was just talking about this to me last night because several months ago she went to the baby shower of a relative, spent almost $100 on her gifts, and never received a thank you note. And this relative is old enough to know better! I told her I hope that's the last gift she ever gives her.

 

[D2B]

You know I can see all sides here, and manners are important, BUT

she is a teenager, her parents are not good role models with manners, you should be asking your sister/brother why hasnt she been polite enough to say thanks. put them on the spot, not her. I think if at 16 this is the worst she does, everyone will be lucky, it is a hard time, there are so many conflicting pressures, issues for teenagers that can easily de-rail them, even the A+ students in good homes.

I would give her smaller gifts, keep the communication lines open, she might need someone to talk to for whatever reason, and you sound like a good aunt, I would annoy the parents no end about not teaching their daughter good manners and I would lead my example with her, but not put rub her face in it, iykwim. At 16, unless it has been drummed into her, a thank you note will not be on her radar, it isnt her fault, lead by example, keep in postive touch with her and show her you care. So much stuff happens at 16, be there for her - you can tell her about her horrid manners when she is a grown up and she might have the grace to be embarrssed about it

db

 

[redfaerythinker]

I also think it would be a bit spiteful to stop giving gifts or to scale them back. The purpose of gifts is to make the other person happy, not you. Yes... she should say thank you, but to cut her off from all gifts in the future is just mean and she won''t understand why, even if you explain it to her. Is it worth starting a possible feud between the two of you? Teenagers can hold a grudge a LONG time. Just a thought.

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 9/28/2009 6:35:00 PM
Author: redfaerythinker
I also think it would be a bit spiteful to stop giving gifts or to scale them back. The purpose of gifts is to make the other person happy, not you. Yes... she should say thank you, but to cut her off from all gifts in the future is just mean and she won't understand why, even if you explain it to her. Is it worth starting a possible feud between the two of you? Teenagers can hold a grudge a LONG time. Just a thought.

I don't think it's spiteful to not give expensive gifts to someone who doesn't even acknowledge them. Honestly, to me it just seems logical. I'd give her a free pass for not having role models in her parents, but CJ has told her that it's polite to send a thank you note and she would really appreciate one. The niece hasn't even called to say thank you-that's the least she could do!

 

[LadyBlue]

Date: 9/28/2009 6:35:00 PM
Author: redfaerythinker
I also think it would be a bit spiteful to stop giving gifts or to scale them back. The purpose of gifts is to make the other person happy, not you. Yes... she should say thank you, but to cut her off from all gifts in the future is just mean and she won''t understand why, even if you explain it to her. Is it worth starting a possible feud between the two of you? Teenagers can hold a grudge a LONG time. Just a thought.

I agree.