Supporting a teenager?

[Mrs Mitchell]

My friend''s son has recently confided in me that he thinks he is gay. I need a little wisdom, because I don''t quite know how to support him.

Problem is, he''s terribly upset by it. I can''t quite get him to explain why, but it certainly isn''t because he fears parental disapproval, he knows that won''t be an issue. His parents actually know, or at least are pretty sure, but when they''ve tried to bring it up, he clams up. I can understand that- who wants to talk about sexuality with parents? Still, at least he is aware that he has their support.

He is 16, so although he is young, I think he''s old enough to know his own sexuality. It just seems like he doesn''t want to accept it, as if he''s ashamed of it. Maybe there is still some confusion there?

Does anyone know of an online resource or community out there for young gay people that is a reasonably safe environment? I''d like to put him in touch with other people in his situation and age group if possible, so he doesn''t feel quite so different. He lives in quite a small community and there isn''t much of a social scene there. He''s an avid reader, so any relevant book recommendations might be useful, too.

Any advice would be appreciated, especially from anyone who has been in his position. I don''t want to do or say anything crass or clumsy, but I don''t want to ignore the issue, since he has opened up to me a little about it.

Thanks!

Jen

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Jen I don''t know of any specific forums or support groups, but I commend you for wanting to be there for this kid. 16 is a hard age for anyone, regardless of their sexual preference. I think it''s great that his parents are understanding and he''s finally admitting it to himself, but it will take time for him to become comfortable with the idea. This is a new part of his identity that''s such a huge part of who he is as a person, but he really doesn''t even know himself. It''s easy to see how he''s having trouble accepting it. I think just being there as a sounding board for him is a great way to support him and maybe remind him that it doesn''t make him less of a person and while people who don''t know him might judge him, those who love him don''t and will accept him for the person he is.

Good luck!

 

[D&T]

Jen- Just wanted to commend you as well, I don't know have any input as to online resources or books. This is so close to me, as one of my friend had "just come out of the closet" at 16 and not sure if he that kind of support from home. He felt very different and alone, and we were there at school with him but that was it, He ended his own life

shortly after -we were all very confuse and many of us just had school counseling anyways So you just being there with him I would think is a great step.

 

[tlh]

Not sure of any websites but PFLAG and BIGALA rings a bell with me. I think if he has access to a computer and is curious he has already come across some information that will help him on his road of self discovery.

Most often I''ve found that my gay friends made a pit stop in bisexuality (when they were teens)- because that felt comfortable to them because of sociatel expectations that they are supposed to like girls. It can be hard to move away from what has been ingrained in a culture boy + girl - so they think okay I like boys AND girls... and then there is a point when they are more comfortable and can admit to themselves, nope, I just like boys.

It took my bestie''s dad over 20 years of marriage to finally come out, though I''m sure he knew for awhile before then. Sometimes you just have to be a sounding board, and not really a point of advice. Just be a non judgemental ear. 16 is young, but sometimes it can take a person awhile longer to come to terms with their own sexuality. Just be there, be loving, and accept them for who they are. It is a part of who they are, but isn''t their sole defining characteristic.

I think it is wonderful that he confided in you, and that you are so open and supportive. Just continue what you are doing, I don''t really think he''s looking for advice... just acceptance.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

MrsM, you are an awesome lady. I have no real advice or experience but it seems there are 12 step programs for EVERYTHING, maybe there is one for this? Also I think therapy might help him sort out all of these negative feelings. That and time.

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

HH, you''re spot on, he''s having trouble accepting it and for some reason, that took me by surprise. This might sound awfully judgmental, but I''ve just always assumed he was gay, from quite a young age, for some reason. I suppose the thing that does make me sad is that he''ll likely face some prejudice sooner or later. He''s such a bright, fun person, I''d hate to see his spirit crushed.

thl, I really hope it doesn''t take him so long to be comfortable with it. I had wondered if he might be bisexual, actually, since he seemed conflicted. I hadn''t thought of that as a stop along the way - hey, if it makes him feel more comfortable then that''s a good thing, right? He might even decide that he actually prefers girls. Who knows? I know some people say they know from a very young age what their preferences are, but like you say, there are people married many years before they truly discover their sexuality (or admit it to themselves, I suppose). I was in my late teens before I was 100% sure.

D&T, I am so sorry to hear of your friend. What a tragic thing to happen to such a young man. I must admit, that is my deepest fear for T, because he''s having a hard time. I think it''s highly unlikely, but my mind always flits straight to the worst case scenario now that I have a child of my own.

Adolescence is horrible, whichever way you look at it!

 

[princesss]

Date: 12/31/2009 9:53:07 AM
Author:Mrs Mitchell
My friend''s son has recently confided in me that he thinks he is gay. I need a little wisdom, because I don''t quite know how to support him.

Problem is, he''s terribly upset by it. I can''t quite get him to explain why, but it certainly isn''t because he fears parental disapproval, he knows that won''t be an issue. His parents actually know, or at least are pretty sure, but when they''ve tried to bring it up, he clams up. I can understand that- who wants to talk about sexuality with parents? Still, at least he is aware that he has their support.

He is 16, so although he is young, I think he''s old enough to know his own sexuality. It just seems like he doesn''t want to accept it, as if he''s ashamed of it. Maybe there is still some confusion there?

Does anyone know of an online resource or community out there for young gay people that is a reasonably safe environment? I''d like to put him in touch with other people in his situation and age group if possible, so he doesn''t feel quite so different. He lives in quite a small community and there isn''t much of a social scene there. He''s an avid reader, so any relevant book recommendations might be useful, too.

Any advice would be appreciated, especially from anyone who has been in his position. I don''t want to do or say anything crass or clumsy, but I don''t want to ignore the issue, since he has opened up to me a little about it.

Thanks!

Jen

What country are you in? I think I vaguely remember you saying you were in Scotland, is that right? I''ll try to look up some resources specific to your area later today.

I would definitely look at PFLAG (a goup/resource for parents and friends of bisexual and homosexual people) for ways to help support him. They''ll probably have good resources for him as well.

It''s really hard to break through what you feel is expected of you and admit that you''re different from other people. I think it''s great that you''re listening to him and want to find ways to help him.

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

Tacori, I think that some sort of counselling support is probably a very good plan, thanks. I''ll look into what''s available locally, so he can access it if he wants to. I wish we still lived in Glasgow, there were some fantastic resources there. Small towns!

 

[princesss]

They're US-based, but try www.pflag.org and www.glaad.org for information.

I think there's a site for National Coming Out Day (again, US based) that probably has good resources for people thinking about coming out or questioning their sexuality.

http://www.lgbtyouth.org.uk/home.htm looks like a local resource. I didn't have time to browse, but check it out. It could be helpful.

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

Princess, thank you! I''ll have a look at PFLAG, it sounds like it might be a useful resource. Ideally I''d like to know that he has confided in his parents too, but that might take some time. I''m sure he''ll get there.

I''m in Scotland, yes.

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

Date: 12/31/2009 11:05:04 AM
Author: princesss
They''re US-based, but try www.pflag.org and www.glaad.org for information.

I think there''s a site for National Coming Out Day (again, US based) that probably has good resources for people thinking about coming out or questioning their sexuality.

http://www.lgbtyouth.org.uk/home.htm looks like a local resource. I didn''t have time to browse, but check it out. It could be helpful.

Doh! Why could I not find the lgbt youth org when I searched last night? I know of it and it''s a great resource. Honestly, I searched for that one and just gave up, thinking maybe they''d had their funding pulled or something. Thanks again.

Jen

 

[princesss]

Date: 12/31/2009 11:10:50 AM
Author: Mrs Mitchell

Date: 12/31/2009 11:05:04 AM
Author: princesss
They''re US-based, but try www.pflag.org and www.glaad.org for information.

I think there''s a site for National Coming Out Day (again, US based) that probably has good resources for people thinking about coming out or questioning their sexuality.

http://www.lgbtyouth.org.uk/home.htm looks like a local resource. I didn''t have time to browse, but check it out. It could be helpful.

Doh! Why could I not find the lgbt youth org when I searched last night? I know of it and it''s a great resource. Honestly, I searched for that one and just gave up, thinking maybe they''d had their funding pulled or something. Thanks again.

Jen

Sometimes you have to general searchs to get good info, lol. I also found http://www.queeryouth.org.uk but haven''t had a chance to check it out.

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

Grand, I''ll have a look at it later tonight. Thanks again, Princess.

 

[Haven]

If you really want to be proactive you could call his high school and ask to speak with a counselor. His counselor won''t be able to give *you* any information, but she will most certainly listen to what you have to say, and if she''s worth her salt, she will definitely reach out to him after learning what you have to share.

The school counselors in my area definitely have insight into a) local programs/resources/groups for kids to join, and b) people within his school community who will be good connections for him to make while he works out his own feelings about coming out.

I had two students come out to me a year ago. One was very uncomfortable with his sexuality, and he feared his parents would kick him out of the house if they found out. His school counselor met with him, introduced him to some students who were in similar situations, and set up a meeting with him and his parents to help him come out in a safe environment. It all worked out to his advantage.

 

[princesss]

Date: 12/31/2009 11:15:17 AM
Author: Mrs Mitchell
Grand, I''ll have a look at it later tonight. Thanks again, Princess.

You''re welcome.

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

Date: 12/31/2009 11:19:40 AM
Author: Haven
If you really want to be proactive you could call his high school and ask to speak with a counselor. His counselor won''t be able to give *you* any information, but she will most certainly listen to what you have to say, and if she''s worth her salt, she will definitely reach out to him after learning what you have to share.

The school counselors in my area definitely have insight into a) local programs/resources/groups for kids to join, and b) people within his school community who will be good connections for him to make while he works out his own feelings about coming out.

I had two students come out to me a year ago. One was very uncomfortable with his sexuality, and he feared his parents would kick him out of the house if they found out. His school counselor met with him, introduced him to some students who were in similar situations, and set up a meeting with him and his parents to help him come out in a safe environment. It all worked out to his advantage.

Haven, thanks, that''s something I will think carefully about. I don''t think they have counsellors at his school, but they do have staff with a guidance role in addition to teaching duties. Only thing is, I went to that school and many of the same staff are still teaching there. I''d have to hope they have updated their attitudes, because I remember a boy in my class being tormented by one of these people for being "queer." It possibly isn''t the most supportive environment, although granted my experience was many years ago.

I''ll have to think this through carefully, maybe sound out some other friends with kids there to see who would be the best person to approach.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Date: 12/31/2009 11:19:40 AM
Author: Haven
If you really want to be proactive you could call his high school and ask to speak with a counselor. His counselor won''t be able to give *you* any information, but she will most certainly listen to what you have to say, and if she''s worth her salt, she will definitely reach out to him after learning what you have to share.


The school counselors in my area definitely have insight into a) local programs/resources/groups for kids to join, and b) people within his school community who will be good connections for him to make while he works out his own feelings about coming out.


I had two students come out to me a year ago. One was very uncomfortable with his sexuality, and he feared his parents would kick him out of the house if they found out. His school counselor met with him, introduced him to some students who were in similar situations, and set up a meeting with him and his parents to help him come out in a safe environment. It all worked out to his advantage.

I respectfully disagree. Given how fragile he is and how small of a town this is, I don''t think you should bring someone from the school into the picture. He confided in Jen and I''d hate for the counselor (yes I know they''re supposed to be non judgmental and impartial, but s/he might not be) to slip up and spread the word about him. If you''re going to talk to someone, do not tell them who the person is.

 

[taovandel]

My sister just recently came out also (and she is nearly 30 years old)....she found her strength by going on the post secret community message boards. She has met many friends that way and has had a lot of support from them.

http://www.postsecretcommunity.com/chat/

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

HH, I see what you mean.

It''s thought of as a ''good'' school and it is very traditional, geared towards high academic achievement, but pastoral care is not really their thing, unfortunately. I might make a general enquiry as to their policy / how they might support a student without naming names. I don''t think I should break his confidence, unless the situation got very serious indeed.

I also just realised (as I was about to hit send) I can''t email him the links Princess posted, since he shares a computer with his siblings. I need to tread so carefully here. I think I''ll just give him my laptop to browse next time he''s over.

So tough!

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

Date: 12/31/2009 11:46:34 AM
Author: taovandel
My sister just recently came out also (and she is nearly 30 years old)....she found her strength by going on the post secret community message boards. She has met many friends that way and has had a lot of support from them.

http://www.postsecretcommunity.com/chat/

Thanks for this. I''m glad it was a source of strength for your sister, maybe it will be for T, too. I''ll let him know about this.

Jen

 

[MakingTheGrade]

When I was in high school, I was there when many of my friends came out of the closet. And there were those who took awhile to accept it themselves for certain reasons. For many of those they were mostly afraid that the life they had pictured for themselves would be lost or drastically changed in an unknowable way. I had a friend who imagined a wife and kids and the American life, and it took him awhile to come to terms with being gay because he had to re-imagine his future, and that''s a hard and scary thing for anyone to do. It''s frightening to think of yourself and your life being one thing and then having to question it in such a fundamental way.

I would say just be there to listen and offer encouragement if he wants to talk, and I definitely wouldn''t tell anyone else. There are many more gay role models out there today and you could try to make note of that if opportunity presents itself. I feel like most teens are internet savy and he can find good resources if he is ready for them.

And of course, if you have any good friends or know he has any friends/family that are gay, that would also be an invaluable resource and confidant for him. It''s always reassuring to know you aren''t alone and to hear the experiences of someone you know and respect.

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

Yes, I think that''s part of what''s difficult for him - re-imagining his adult life. I can understand that.

I wish there was someone who could be a mentor to him. The only friends I have nearby who are gay are female and in their 40s and 50s. Actually, this whole conversation came up when I got some photobox pics through the mail while T was visiting - some of them were taken at a same-sex wedding I was at recently and he was asking about it. At least where we live, he won''t have to give up the family/ marriage dream entirely, for which I''m grateful.

 

[MakingTheGrade]

I recently watched the movie "Kinsey", which was quite interesting. It is based on scientist Alfred Kinsey and him challenging and exploring American sexuality, he was of the mind that few people are entirely gay or straight, but that most of us fall somewhere in between. The really sweet part of this movie was at the end when an elderly woman tells him her life story and how he had given her the courage to come to terms with her orientation and be with the woman she loved.

It's rated R for good reason, and certainly has controversial content. But I thought it was a good movie, educational, and presents a unique context for homosexuality in America, and sexuality in general. It does a lot to demystify it, and explores what "normal" sexual behavior really is in a very honest manner. I find many movies about homosexuality are more tragic than reassuring, but I thought Kinsey had a healthy message about it. Anyways, I would recommend the movie to anyone in general, but after you watch it you can decide if it's something your friend's son may be mature enough to handle and if you think it's appropriate.

link

ETA: It really is a great movie, there are some great laugh-out-loud moments.

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

Thanks for the recommendation, I''ll watch it as soon as I can. I have some exams coming up, so there''s a great procrastination exercise, too.

I meant to say - you mentioned teens being internet savvy and T is, but he was anxious to point out that he "hasn''t looked at any of that stuff, honest." Worried me slightly, because he seems to equate gay with nasty internet **** or something. That''s why I was looking for trusted community sites. Maybe they''ll help remove some of the mystery / preconceptions. Also, as I mentioned, he''s using a shared computer at home and we''re not well served for public internet access here.

 

[Kaleigh]

I am sorry he's having a hard time. But so glad you will supprt him and glad to hear his parents are supprtive. I helped my brother and godson when they came out. They didn't have support so it was very hard on them.

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

It must be a frightening time, especially for very young adults. I can''t imagine what he''s going through.
I just saw him, though. He called in to wish us a happy New Year. He has his cheeky grin back for the first time in ages. He''s such a lovely person, a really wonderful young man with so much to give to the world. It''s so good to see him smile again.

 

[MakingTheGrade]

Yeah, having a shared computer can be tricky. And it's true, there's an awful lot of gay **** out there. I agree that anonymous, supportive forums can be a healthy place to begin to ask questions, unfortunately I don't really know of any sites.

Is there a local college or school nearby that has a LGBT branch? My friends and I started one in high school, and both college and grad schools I went to had one, and it's a natural place to go to for support and information. The places are also often full of "allies" so nobody would assume if you went that you were necessarily gay (though I will admit, people are often curious, and will ask you if you go often to better know what you're hoping to get out of the club). Not all chapters are as active, but I've found them to be a central hub for support and meeting nice people to talk to. They also tend to host various events such as social gatherings and movie screenings etc.

 

[pennquaker09]

I had the support of my parents when I came out, but I have to say that I think I know what he''s feeling.

As a teacher, I had a few students confide in me and ask me questions, and I found that the best thing is positive reinforcement. Where I come from, it''s really conservative and homosexuality is always talked about negatively. I didn''t have positive images of gay people. However, there are examples out there and I think if you were to point him into that direction, it would help him realize that being gay doesn''t mean there''s something wrong with him.

There is a movie set in South London and it''s considered one of the best gay themed movies. It''s called Beautiful Thing and you can actually get it from amazon UK for like 6.78 (in Euros). It''s wonderful.

There are a lot of great books out there also. However, I don''t know what''s available to you in Scotland. I did a quick search on amazon UK and I saw that Rainbow Boys is available (the entire trilogy is under 13 euros. I think he would find Dream Boy a very interesting read. It''s a deep deep book, and the subject matter is not all Skittles and rainbows, but it''s a great book.

Also, A Density of Souls and The Snow Garden are two that I could recommend. They''re like gay suspense novels. I can''t say they''d help with him figuring out who he is, but they''re entertaining. In the states, they were both New York Times Bestsellers, which may because the author, Christopher Rice, is the son of the famous Anne Rice or a lot of people genuinely enjoyed them.

Another highly recommended read would be, At Swim, Two Boys. It''s set in Ireland. It''s part coming of age story, and part historical fiction. I don''t actually think it''s a "gay novel" more akin to a novel with gay characters. If you''re familiar with stream of consciousness style of writing, then I think the book would be enjoyable. I think the author was very much influenced by James Joyce.

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

Pennquaker, thank you for this thoughtful response. T has a birthday coming up and I usually get him books, so I shall get onto Amazon and find some of the books you''ve suggested.

It isn''t so conservative where we live, but still, there is a lack of positive images of gay people. While it isn''t spoken of negatively, there aren''t as many positive messages as there could be. I like the idea of novels with strong characters who happen to be gay, rather than books about being gay (if that makes sense). I''ll get onto that.


MTG, he''s planning to go to college next year, so his opportunities for meeting other gay people will be greater there and there will be societies etc. I would really hope he''s comfortable enough to join in and make the most of the social life by then. I''m at school at the moment and I might see if there''s anything appropriate there he might be interested in. He''s only 16 though, so nothing that involved drinking! Funny how many college social activities start and finish in the bar...

I was trying to explain that this is much scarier in the abstract - when he actually meets someone and has his first relationship, it will be ok. I hope I got that right.

Jen

 

[AmberGretchen]

Mrs M - I think you''ve gotten some wonderful responses here and I don''t have a whole lot more to contribute content-wise, but I just wanted to chime in and say how wonderful I think it is that you are being so supportive of this young man. I know that as an adolescent, I lacked good mentors, and while my issues were not the ones here, I can''t imagine anything better than having someone like you to help support a young man like this in a challenging time. Bless you for being so thoughtful, supportive, and non-judgmental