Stay at home wives?

[Hera]

I''m a stay at home wife (no children) and I have been for three years. I left my job (and occupation) three years ago when the company I worked for was sold. My husband and I have always lived off of his income even when I was working and kept the extras and fun stuff on my job. That has afforded me the opportunity to finish my Bachelor''s Degree without having to work. I have taken a sabbatical before and it''s really great to take breaks from work and pick up hobbies and clear my head.
It''s not always luxurious of course, as we have to stay closely to a budget but it''s really worth it to not have to stress out in case one of us loses our job. My husband is in the military so job security is a non issue. Right now I''m buying a house and I was having a dilemma because I was seeing houses just out of our price range and I was thinking If I worked I could make it possible, but decided I wouldn''t stray from our plan to qualify on one income.

So, I think the biggest plus about being a SAHW is the fact that if you live off of one income, you set yourself up to be in a good spot financially. In case you ever have an emergency, you can always get a job. In my opinion, that''s a great insurance policy.

 

[radiantquest]

style="WIDTH: 99%; HEIGHT: 216px">Date: 8/13/2008 12:32:03 PM
Author: diamondsrock

Date: 8/13/2008 12:10:19 PM
Author: absolut_blonde
My next door neighbour is a SAHW. She doesn''t really take care of the house, though (we have the same cleaning lady- who also happens to be a close family friend of ours- and let''s just say... I have a fairly good idea). And it''s quite a small house to boot. As far as I know, she doesn''t appear to be involved in many activities or volunteering. Nor do they seem to have much company or many friends.

I''m not sure what she does with her time, exactly, but I guess if it works for them then that''s cool. I think I''d get really bored of her lifestyle, from what I know of it. I do realize not all SAHW are like her, though.


I think I could handle it if I had a very busy husband who traveled a lot or had a lot of responsibilities associated with his job (throwing fundraisers/events, etc etc etc). It wouldn''t work with our current lifestyle, for a number of reasons.

Still, I think if money were not an issue for us, I would still ''work'' in some capacity -- but not at my current job. I would either find something part-time, volunteer several days a week or go back to school. I would love having more free time (if I did, I would have no problem doing most of the cooking, cleaning, etc) but I''d also want something to occupy my time and give me a sense of accomplishment. I need some structure to keep me productive and to prevent me from becoming depressed.

I could have written this paragraph. That is how I feel too!

me too. i always want to be doing other things, not nothing. i want to volunteer at the local zoo, take pottery classes and learn to play the piano

 

[deegee]

I had an injury 2 years ago and I had to take a leave of absence. When I returned to work, I could only go back 3 days a week. I did that for an entire year and then went back to work full-time before I was actually ready because I was going insane at home. Many days I didn''t even get dressed or eat. I went waaaayyy downhill mentally. I absolutely have to have a reason to get out of bed. I have to have structure in my day. I am very blessed and fortunate that we don''t need my salary, but I HAVE to work for myself. I''m not sure that makes sense. I don''t have children, and I think my self-worth comes from working and contributing financially even though we''d be just fine without my salary. Although some days after work I swear I''m going to be a stay at home mommy to my kitties!

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 8/13/2008 7:18:45 PM
Author: radiantquest
me too. i always want to be doing other things, not nothing. i want to volunteer at the local zoo, take pottery classes and learn to play the piano

Pottery is a BLAST. I spent two years taking pottery classes and continued up until around the fourth or so month before my first son was born and it was one of the most rewarding hobbies I''ve ever pursued. You should for sure try it out!

 

[Haven]

I would LOVE to be a stay-at-home wife! And I am quite certain that besides taking care of our home, which I enjoy doing, I have more than enough interests to keep myself occupied. MORE than enough.

We''ve actually talked about this a bit, because my salary is just a drop in the bucket compared to DH''s salary, and we bought a home that we could afford on my salary alone, so we make far more than we need. The thing I''m struggling with is that I''ve earned two graduate degrees in my field (education) and I really do love what I do. BUT, I also hate it, because (much like the woman in the article) I am an overwhelmed high school English teacher, I don''t have time for anybody or anything during the school year, and it is a bit depressing.

I sent the article to DH. Elle--if it persuades him to say "QUIT!" I''ll be sending some gifts your way.

 

[lovegem]

I am a lazy person, but try to make me a stay at home wife you will have another psycho.

Pure personal choice.

 

[angel_nieves]

As others have said I think the article was poorly written. I think if the woman and her husband are in agreement with the wife staying at home and financially can do it why not? For the most of the last four years I have been a stay at home mom. I am about to take a sabbatical from work soon to be able to take care of my brother with cancer (stage 4). My husband is pushing me after my brother passes to take the time off and relax and focus on my love of cooking or to take some art classes. I am deeply thinking of becoming a stay at home wife.

 

[lovegem]

Date: 8/13/2008 8:37:29 PM
Author: deegee
I was going insane at home. Many days I didn''t even get dressed or eat. I went waaaayyy downhill mentally. I absolutely have to have a reason to get out of bed.

Didn''t see your post ''till now DG. Exactly what happened to me too. You gotta have a reason to dress up. You gotta let other people see your stunning blings, beautiful cloths a other good stuffs with people.

 

[icekid]

Date: 8/13/2008 7:04:34 PM
Author: heraanderson

So, I think the biggest plus about being a SAHW is the fact that if you live off of one income, you set yourself up to be in a good spot financially. In case you ever have an emergency, you can always get a job. In my opinion, that''s a great insurance policy.

I think it''s great that you can stay home and live the lifestyle that you want, but I''ll have to disagree that it affords you a lot of financial security. Being out of the workforce for a long period of time is not exactly most employers are hoping to find in an employee. Plus, it generally takes TIME to find a job. And probably a lot of time to find a good, desirable job.

I do know that staying home would NOT be for me. However, I do wish I was home once in a while. Doesn''t happen often these days..... I''ve had one day off in the last 21

I''m the kind of person who really needs a routine. I enjoy vacation time, but when it goes on too long I get antsy... and depressed! But working too much is depressing too... someday I will find the happy medium.

 

[phoenixgirl]

As a teacher I feel like I''ve lived both.

I love my job, but staying home over the summers has convinced me that I want to stay at home when we have kids. Over the summer I am able to keep the house organized, work out every day, plan dinner, be nice and relaxed with DH comes home, etc. During the school year something''s gotta give. Everything gives a little -- time with DH, my students'' papers, the house cleaning and cooking -- and it takes its toll. I definitely couldn''t live without the Merry Maids.

Even not getting a summer job, I sometimes feel judged. Isn''t it funny how much the world has changed in 50 years? DH often tells people how I don''t work over the summers because I need the break, etc., but why do we have to explain it? I earn a too-small but certainly average salary. I grade over a hundred assignments for over a hundred students in one school year; you do the math. And I put up with all the crap that goes with along with teenagers and their parents and school bureacracy with a smile on my face. I deal with the stinky sweat/mold smell and the custodian who "doesn''t like" to clean chalk trays and the girl who randomly yanked a zip tie so tight on my finger in the hall that the nurse had to cut me to get it off . . . I DESERVE MY SUMMER!

Honestly, really, since my dad died and we''ve been thinking about having kids, I''m really over teaching. And this is coming from the teacher with the insanely detailed website that strangers often email me after finding asking me for additional info. I put a lot into my job; I''m not one of those slacker teachers. But that''s just it. I could be amazing award-winning teacher and not have a life or a husband or be in shape or have friends or a clean house, or I could be so-so teacher who is still unable to do everything well and is stressed, or I could be relaxed me with no job. Relaxed me is looking better and better as I think any balance to be had with work/family/relationships/health is an illusion.

On the other hand, we met up with DH''s old high school friend and his wife a few years back. When I asked the wife what she did, she said, "Oh, I''m [name''s] wife." It was just the way she said it; it was so Stepford wife-ish. I mean, yeah, it''s weird that we feel the need to explain why I have no summer job, but it was the way she said it, like being somebody''s wife is a "job." Then she asked me to tell her about me, the real me, and the inflection in her voice . . . creepy-ville!

If/when we have a baby and I stop working, I''ll be the first teacher I''ve known in my six years of teaching to quit to take care of the kids. I think in 99% of those cases it''s just not financially feasible for a parent to stay home, which is another conversation entirely, I guess. I''m not looking forward to that conversation because I know that some of my coworkers will criticize me behind my back for quitting, probably because I have the ability to make that choice and they don''t. But that''s another reason to quit . . . those same coworkers criticize everyone behind their backs all the time anyway . . . I guess this is what they do instead of making elaborate websites and really giving good feedback on papers?

 

[Haven]

phoenixgirl--I really identified with your post. I hate that I feel like I must give up my entire life outside of work during the school year in order to do a quality job. I was a much happier person when I taught community college students--a full teaching load was 12 hours a week, and the rest of the time was spent doing research and sitting on committees. I often think about leaving high school to go back to a community college.

 

[Hera]

Date: 8/13/2008 9:39:33 PM
Author: icekid

Date: 8/13/2008 7:04:34 PM
Author: heraanderson

So, I think the biggest plus about being a SAHW is the fact that if you live off of one income, you set yourself up to be in a good spot financially. In case you ever have an emergency, you can always get a job. In my opinion, that''s a great insurance policy.

I think it''s great that you can stay home and live the lifestyle that you want, but I''ll have to disagree that it affords you a lot of financial security. Being out of the workforce for a long period of time is not exactly most employers are hoping to find in an employee. Plus, it generally takes TIME to find a job. And probably a lot of time to find a good, desirable job.

I do know that staying home would NOT be for me. However, I do wish I was home once in a while. Doesn''t happen often these days..... I''ve had one day off in the last 21

I''m the kind of person who really needs a routine. I enjoy vacation time, but when it goes on too long I get antsy... and depressed! But working too much is depressing too... someday I will find the happy medium.

That''s odd, I would think living below your means would qualify as a factor of financial security. It''s true, in an emergency, I might not be able to secure the best job, but I have never had a problem finding a job either.
That''s the problem today, people wanting more, more, more (not necessarily speaking about you Icekid). They need the two car payments and the McMansion and that will need two people working to qualify not thinking about what would happen if one person were to stop working. Then, when they can''t afford it, they just walk away from their homes. Sad really, but we won''t be slaves for our wages.

 

[deegee]

I''m with you, hera. My husband and I live well below our means, and I definitely feel more secure than if we needed my income to maintain our lifestyle. Thanks to my super crappy spine, we both assume that I won''t be working full-time until retirement age. We have been looking for a house closer to work to shorten our commute, but we''ll make sure we keep it in the price range for just my hubby''s income. You''re right - I look at houses in the price range of both our salaries and think hmmmm.... but we''re not going to go there. I really enjoy working and I will do so as long as I am able, but I also really enjoy knowing that I don''t have to.

 

[vita*dolce]

*IF* money weren''t an issue, i''d totally give up my job and work for a non-profit (i volunteer with habitat for humanity and i love it)... i know that''s not exactly like staying home and tending house but i think i would want to stay home (at least for a while) if i had kids. my mom stayed home with us until we were all at least in middle school and it was nice to come home to her!

 

[Dancing Fire]

i''am a stay at home husband.

 

[miraclesrule]

Holy Moley Batman, looky here....there is Dancing Fire. I don''t believe it.
Freke has been looking for you.....

 

[LaraOnline]

This is 'damned if you do, damned if you don't' stuff...

I worked as a journalist for many years, to be honest it was a full on slog!
I realised very soon after graduating and getting my first job, that what I really needed to succeed in this job longterm was a wife.
And guess what?! I wasn't getting one!

Of the handful of older women successful in our office, (tiny handful), every one was single. All of them showed signs of chronic over work and emotional neglect - chain smoking, anorexic or incredibly obese. they wore crumpled jeans and old pilled suits. They had signed themselves over to the job, they were never going to really get above middle management level... and they didn't have the family to come home to, to put it all in context.
In contrast, the men were well fed, well dressed and had kids and wives calling through the day.
I know that a single newspaper office does not a complete census make - but now I help my man in his business

I say: Pick your profession!

Interestingly, the medical profession over here (Aust) has a very high number of women grads... they tend to drop out at a higher rate than men, it's putting strain on doctor availability (along with other factors)
But the newspapers can't report it in those terms, because is singling women out, and it looks sexist!

There's no doubt that women have a higher propensity to drop out of the workforce than men do.

 

[diamondfan]

I think if it can be done, it is a great thing, but I also think for me especially I have to have stimulation of some kind beyond the house.

My situation is a bit different as I have three kids and I have live in help, but even so I am busy. I also do some volunteer stuff, charity stuff, and like to take classes or be in a book group. I am running the house though I am not the one cleaning it, and still I feel like I am always running around.

Some people cannot tolerate the lack of deadlines, other people thrive on sort of being their own structure maker. It really just depends on the person. I have a friend who gave birth and thought she would take 3-6 months off (it was her families''s business so she could do what she wanted) and yet within a month, she was back at work, because she was not happy staying home and being away from the stimulation her office environment and her work brought her. I think it shocked even her.

So I guess my point is you have to know your own tolerances, because what sounds like paradise to one person is hell to someone else.

I never really worked once I was married, I started graduate school and had my kids, and moved cross country...and now, with my various health challenges, I could never get up and be somewhere each morning. So my lifestyle really works for me.

 

[robbie3982]

Date: 8/13/2008 11:26:27 PM
Author: heraanderson

Date: 8/13/2008 9:39:33 PM

Author: icekid

Date: 8/13/2008 7:04:34 PM

Author: heraanderson


So, I think the biggest plus about being a SAHW is the fact that if you live off of one income, you set yourself up to be in a good spot financially. In case you ever have an emergency, you can always get a job. In my opinion, that''s a great insurance policy.

I think it''s great that you can stay home and live the lifestyle that you want, but I''ll have to disagree that it affords you a lot of financial security. Being out of the workforce for a long period of time is not exactly most employers are hoping to find in an employee. Plus, it generally takes TIME to find a job. And probably a lot of time to find a good, desirable job.


I do know that staying home would NOT be for me. However, I do wish I was home once in a while. Doesn''t happen often these days..... I''ve had one day off in the last 21

I''m the kind of person who really needs a routine. I enjoy vacation time, but when it goes on too long I get antsy... and depressed! But working too much is depressing too... someday I will find the happy medium.

That''s odd, I would think living below your means would qualify as a factor of financial security. It''s true, in an emergency, I might not be able to secure the best job, but I have never had a problem finding a job either.

That''s the problem today, people wanting more, more, more (not necessarily speaking about you Icekid). They need the two car payments and the McMansion and that will need two people working to qualify not thinking about what would happen if one person were to stop working. Then, when they can''t afford it, they just walk away from their homes. Sad really, but we won''t be slaves for our wages.

Hera, I''d say living off of one income when you actually have 2 is financial security. I agree with Icekid that it''s not always so easy to find a job and being out of work for long periods of time looks bad to most employers.

I''d also like to venture to say that the majority of us living on 2 incomes because we can''t afford to live on one aren''t doing so because we have a McMansion and 2 car payments. Our home is nowhere close to being considered a mansion and we only have 1 car payment (never even had a car payment on the other). Life is expensive. I think if people are able to afford to stay home, that''s great, but I don''t think it''s fair to make it seem like those of us who can''t just want too much or are doing something wrong.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

I've actually been pleasantly surprised by the financial side of having a SAHDD (Stay-at-home-doggy-daddy). D has always made significantly more than I have, so when thought about quitting I was actually excited at the prospect of being the breadwinner for once. We have always invested at least some of our savings, though my focus has always been on early retirment and D's on more risky investments (at least as long as we're in our 20's).

When D decided to stay home we made the decision that he could start trading half of our savings and he's done such a good job trading that he's making more money on the earnings of our investments than he did in corporate america. So it's sort of the best of both worlds: he takes care of all the chores (god bless him), he does something with Byron every day and we're not missing his income. I'm a teensy bit bummed about not being the breadwinner after all, but am more surprised and happy at how it's turned out.

So I think it's possible to earn a passive income even if one isn't working in the "real" word. Of course, having one spouse to provide medical benefits is good--I got demoted from "breadwinner" to "medical benefits provider".

ETA: Word to Robbie. The only reason we saved so much and can live on very little is because we live in the ghetto where rent is super cheap, have no car payments or any fun gadgets like flat-screen TVs. Our priority was living on no money despite our salaries, so that's what we do.

 

[aliciagirl]

Date: 8/14/2008 12:20:20 PM
Author: robbie3982

Date: 8/13/2008 11:26:27 PM

Author: heraanderson

Date: 8/13/2008 9:39:33 PM


Author: icekid

Date: 8/13/2008 7:04:34 PM


Author: heraanderson



So, I think the biggest plus about being a SAHW is the fact that if you live off of one income, you set yourself up to be in a good spot financially. In case you ever have an emergency, you can always get a job. In my opinion, that''s a great insurance policy.

I think it''s great that you can stay home and live the lifestyle that you want, but I''ll have to disagree that it affords you a lot of financial security. Being out of the workforce for a long period of time is not exactly most employers are hoping to find in an employee. Plus, it generally takes TIME to find a job. And probably a lot of time to find a good, desirable job.



I do know that staying home would NOT be for me. However, I do wish I was home once in a while. Doesn''t happen often these days..... I''ve had one day off in the last 21

I''m the kind of person who really needs a routine. I enjoy vacation time, but when it goes on too long I get antsy... and depressed! But working too much is depressing too... someday I will find the happy medium.

That''s odd, I would think living below your means would qualify as a factor of financial security. It''s true, in an emergency, I might not be able to secure the best job, but I have never had a problem finding a job either.


That''s the problem today, people wanting more, more, more (not necessarily speaking about you Icekid). They need the two car payments and the McMansion and that will need two people working to qualify not thinking about what would happen if one person were to stop working. Then, when they can''t afford it, they just walk away from their homes. Sad really, but we won''t be slaves for our wages.

Hera, I''d say living off of one income when you actually have 2 is financial security. I agree with Icekid that it''s not always so easy to find a job and being out of work for long periods of time looks bad to most employers.


I''d also like to venture to say that the majority of us living on 2 incomes because we can''t afford to live on one aren''t doing so because we have a McMansion and 2 car payments. Our home is nowhere close to being considered a mansion and we only have 1 car payment (never even had a car payment on the other). Life is expensive. I think if people are able to afford to stay home, that''s great, but I don''t think it''s fair to make it seem like those of us who can''t just want too much or are doing something wrong.

Robbie - I agree with you. SO and I will both work and it''s not because we want luxury cars or ridiculously nice homes. We just don''t make half a million dollars a year. We both have student loans and think saving is important. Just because I can''t, nor do I want to, stay home doesn''t mean that we aren''t competent or that we will be living beyond our means.

It''s crazy for people to imply otherwise. I''ve worked my behind off to have my own career and it''s not fair to discredit all the others who have done the same.

 

[Hera]

Date: 8/14/2008 12:46:30 PM
Author: aliciagirl

Date: 8/14/2008 12:20:20 PM
Author: robbie3982

Date: 8/13/2008 11:26:27 PM

Author: heraanderson

Date: 8/13/2008 9:39:33 PM


Author: icekid

Date: 8/13/2008 7:04:34 PM


Author: heraanderson



So, I think the biggest plus about being a SAHW is the fact that if you live off of one income, you set yourself up to be in a good spot financially. In case you ever have an emergency, you can always get a job. In my opinion, that''s a great insurance policy.

I think it''s great that you can stay home and live the lifestyle that you want, but I''ll have to disagree that it affords you a lot of financial security. Being out of the workforce for a long period of time is not exactly most employers are hoping to find in an employee. Plus, it generally takes TIME to find a job. And probably a lot of time to find a good, desirable job.



I do know that staying home would NOT be for me. However, I do wish I was home once in a while. Doesn''t happen often these days..... I''ve had one day off in the last 21

I''m the kind of person who really needs a routine. I enjoy vacation time, but when it goes on too long I get antsy... and depressed! But working too much is depressing too... someday I will find the happy medium.

That''s odd, I would think living below your means would qualify as a factor of financial security. It''s true, in an emergency, I might not be able to secure the best job, but I have never had a problem finding a job either.


That''s the problem today, people wanting more, more, more (not necessarily speaking about you Icekid). They need the two car payments and the McMansion and that will need two people working to qualify not thinking about what would happen if one person were to stop working. Then, when they can''t afford it, they just walk away from their homes. Sad really, but we won''t be slaves for our wages.

Hera, I''d say living off of one income when you actually have 2 is financial security. I agree with Icekid that it''s not always so easy to find a job and being out of work for long periods of time looks bad to most employers.


I''d also like to venture to say that the majority of us living on 2 incomes because we can''t afford to live on one aren''t doing so because we have a McMansion and 2 car payments. Our home is nowhere close to being considered a mansion and we only have 1 car payment (never even had a car payment on the other). Life is expensive. I think if people are able to afford to stay home, that''s great, but I don''t think it''s fair to make it seem like those of us who can''t just want too much or are doing something wrong.

Robbie - I agree with you. SO and I will both work and it''s not because we want luxury cars or ridiculously nice homes. We just don''t make half a million dollars a year. We both have student loans and think saving is important. Just because I can''t, nor do I want to, stay home doesn''t mean that we aren''t competent or that we will be living beyond our means.

It''s crazy for people to imply otherwise. I''ve worked my behind off to have my own career and it''s not fair to discredit all the others who have done the same.

I wasn''t talking about people like you or really people who necessarily want McMansions etc. for that matter (I wouldn''t mind one myself). I''m talking about people who are consumed with wanting more, more, more and are willing to do whatever it takes to go there (and there''s a lot considering the housing mess) . I don''t think it makes financial sense to have a two income family working like mad to be able to afford the material things like houses and cars. They don''t take into account should one person get ill or lose a job.

 

[Linda W]

I am retired and stay at home. I had been working since I was 13, started off babysitting, etc.

I love staying at home now. I baby-sit my grandboys, which I love love love, did I say LOVE.



Linda

 

[fieryred33143]

Personally, we have a condo the size of a cardboard box and will now have 2 car payments because he needs a new car. We don’t live above our means, we weren’t raised that way. But I have seen the consequence of a one income home. My mom was a SAHW before becoming a SAHM. My father got Cancer, we had to pay for Chemo, and when he eventually passed away all of the money was gone. My mom had to enter the workforce and she did like the champ that she is (13 years later and she’s still single supporting her three kids). Anyway, we suffered a lot during that period and I realized that if there are two able bodied persons at home that can work then they should for insurance purposes (and I don’t just mean health insurance). I also saw the burden of supporting an entire household fall hard on my mom so I would never do that to someone else. If I can work, I will…forevah!

There are few instances where I can justify staying at home…but for the most part, I think that if there are two able-bodied persons at home, then those two should be working (whether that be for salary or volunteer work). I can fully understand those that lived an insane life while working and are now taking the time to breathe and live. I commend those people for doing that because life is too short. And for those that retired, hurray for you!! What a great accomplishment

. But for young women who have never had a desire to enter the workforce and are considered to be a SAHW, to me that is insanely lazy (and I’m also insanely jealous that they can even do that

).