Should I ask DH to buy me a christmas present?

[Bliss]

UGH, that is awful MC! I say yes, who needs their awful presents? They''d probably come with strings and won''t be from the heart if they''re acting this way. Why not have DH present you with an AWESOME SPARKLY gift that will have you glowing more than any gift from one of those rude cats! It''s a win-win!

 

[Burberrygirl]

Date: 11/10/2009 1:38:45 PM
Author: MC

Date: 11/10/2009 1:37:01 PM
Author: janinegirly

Date: 11/10/2009 1:30:08 PM
Author: MC

There isn't much of a choice because we have kids. They wouldn't understand why I'm boycotting a holiday. . .

But don't your kids ask why they ignore you and don't give you gifts? I'm sure they notice..or will if they're too little right now. This is just insulting and not sure I understand why it's accepted as the norm. Doesn't your DH say something to his family about this?

They're 7 and 9 and may or may not notice. Usually, they're playing together while all the gals gather up.

MC- I'm sorry to hear about your situation, it reminds me a lot of how my aunts would treat my mother. Believe me, your kids will eventually notice how bad you're being treated if they don't already. I'm sure you've talked to your husband about this, but does he know how much it hurts you? I'm sure he'd be happy to give you a present to open if it made you happy/less uncomfortable. I wouldn't be able put up with that kind of treatment. Maybe for your shared big present next year you can take your family on vacation and avoid them all together

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 11/10/2009 3:51:46 PM
Author: Kaleigh
I am curious how any of this is ok with your DH? I know it''s his family and all, but YOU are his wife!!! I don''t get it.

My husband says don''t worry about it. . .like D&T suggested, DH says they''re jealous. Not sure what of though. . .

DH does become REALLY angry about the relative who never gives the kids gifts. I mean, come on. She DOES (get this) give gifts to the kids on her SO''s side of the family and uses a 30% employee discount from a high-end dept. store to get them fabulous clothes. She will show them all to me. . . I once asked if she could help me get the kids shoes and she gave me a look of horror as if I had asked her to use her discound to get me a $10K ring or something that would be risking her job.

Maybe they simply don''t like me??? The only negative stuff I''ve heard is that they think it''s wrong that I''m a SAHM and I''ve been picked on about this in the past about not working.

Anyway, I''d love if DH sprung a 2-ct pair of diamond earrings on me, but that isn''t going to happen for a LONG time! We''re a bit tight on cash now, which is another reason for not being jealous of me. Just strange.

Today, I bought 10 packages of Chicken Flavored Top Ramen for $1.00. I''ll wrap those up and pass them around this holiday

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 11/10/2009 4:58:11 PM
Author: Burberrygirl
MC- I''m sorry to hear about your situation, it reminds me a lot of how my aunts would treat my mother. Believe me, your kids will eventually notice how bad you''re being treated if they don''t already. I''m sure you''ve talked to your husband about this, but does he know how much it hurts you? I''m sure he''d be happy to give you a present to open if it made you happy/less uncomfortable. I wouldn''t be able put up with that kind of treatment. Maybe for your shared big present next year you can take your family on vacation and avoid them all together

We did go on vacation one year, but never on Christmas eve because of the kids. With kids it''s just different, I suppose. . .they want to see their grandparents.

So many of you have mentioned that my kids notice more than I might realize. I hadn''t thought this would be the case, however, based on you guys/gals'' comments, given the time, I''m going to take the time to watch the kids more and see if they notice how the family acts. I had assumed they were too focused on their own holiday excitement.

I''ve decided that when it comes around the time to open the gifts, I''m going to leave and drive and get tea at Starbucks. Luckily we celebrate on Christmas Eve so the will be a location nearby which is open. There is about 20 starbucks within a 20 mile radius of every house of every relative.

 

[Hest88]

I seriously don''t understand why you''re even considering going, especially if not all the relatives are giving gifts to your kids either. I agree you should be starting your own Xmas tradition with your family. The kids are still young enough so it won''t matter and when they get old enough to notice they''re being treated differently the damage will be done.

Think about it. You can pretend Santa visited, make waffles, open presents in your pajamas. etc.

 

[Haven]

Oh MC, what a nasty situation. I''m sorry that these people are your family and you have to put up with them.

I remember your stories about how the other women in your family make snide comments about you being a SAHM, and really, it just sounds like they have issues with their own decisions in life and are hell-bent on taking it all out on you. What a shame that we can''t choose our family.

I would probably feel bad, too. It hurts to be purposely ostracized, no matter what age you are. I''d probably busy myself with my own kids while the exchanging is going on, and I wouldn''t show one bit of hurt on my face at all, hard as that may be.

 

[purrfectpear]

Date: 11/10/2009 5:37:43 PM
Author: MC
I''ve decided that when it comes around the time to open the gifts, I''m going to leave and drive and get tea at Starbucks. Luckily we celebrate on Christmas Eve so the will be a location nearby which is open. There is about 20 starbucks within a 20 mile radius of every house of every relative.

Oh sure, you go be by yourself on Christmas Eve

Girl, you need to grow a pair. Your IL''s make me want to smack them upside the head. How about you stay there and hubby looks them straight in the eye and says loudly "I know you guys didn''t forget to get MC a present again did you? Because I''d just be ashamed to have relatives that acted that way"

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 11/10/2009 5:56:57 PM
Author: purrfectpear

Date: 11/10/2009 5:37:43 PM
Author: MC
I''ve decided that when it comes around the time to open the gifts, I''m going to leave and drive and get tea at Starbucks. Luckily we celebrate on Christmas Eve so the will be a location nearby which is open. There is about 20 starbucks within a 20 mile radius of every house of every relative.

Oh sure, you go be by yourself on Christmas Eve

Girl, you need to grow a pair. Your IL''s make me want to smack them upside the head. How about you stay there and hubby looks them straight in the eye and says loudly ''I know you guys didn''t forget to get MC a present again did you? Because I''d just be ashamed to have relatives that acted that way''

+1, well plus 100!!!

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 11/10/2009 5:56:57 PM
Author: purrfectpear

Date: 11/10/2009 5:37:43 PM
Author: MC
I''ve decided that when it comes around the time to open the gifts, I''m going to leave and drive and get tea at Starbucks. Luckily we celebrate on Christmas Eve so the will be a location nearby which is open. There is about 20 starbucks within a 20 mile radius of every house of every relative.

Oh sure, you go be by yourself on Christmas Eve

Girl, you need to grow a pair. Your IL''s make me want to smack them upside the head. How about you stay there and hubby looks them straight in the eye and says loudly ''I know you guys didn''t forget to get MC a present again did you? Because I''d just be ashamed to have relatives that acted that way''

PP - you wanna join us for Christmas this year? Kick some butt for me?

 

[purrfectpear]

Let''s just say that would be a Holiday the whole family would remember for a long, long, long time

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 11/10/2009 6:03:00 PM
Author: purrfectpear
Let''s just say that would be a Holiday the whole family would remember for a long, long, long time

OMG, perfect (or should I say purrfect!) idea...it''s the grinch in the flesh!

 

[icekid]

Date: 11/10/2009 6:13:18 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 11/10/2009 6:03:00 PM

Author: purrfectpear

Let''s just say that would be a Holiday the whole family would remember for a long, long, long time

OMG, perfect (or should I say purrfect!) idea...it''s the grinch in the flesh!

haha, love it... pp would have no problem putting your abusive family in their rightful place, MC. I think you should take her up on this one.

 

[movie zombie]

watching the kids extra close during the festivities may not garner you anything. they may have learned to not react....or try to limit their reaction....much as you and your husband have.

while i was growing up, the extended family ignored my brother for holidays and birthdays. it was mean and it was deliberate....just like your IL''s. my mother finally put her foot down and said if they didn''t do for him, they couldn''t do for me [i was the only girl and therefore had status]. you can''t do that because your situation is in many ways worse. i can tell you though that my brother still has emotional scars from it and he is way old.

and why do i say your situation is worse in ways? because you and your husband allow yourselves to be treated in this manner. your children are learning that it is ok to be treated this way. that you and your hubby would allow yourselves to be treated in this way is one thing: you''re adults. but that you''d allow his family to treat your children this way is, well, incomprehensible. ok, so not all the family doesn''t buy for your kids but......its still incomprehensible.

yes, i feel very strongly about this. i know what it did to my brother. and its effected his relationship not only with extended family but with immediate family. you may not know the extent to which this affects your children until they are grown.

the importance of family get togethers is to be together as family. if this is not happening it is way past time to develop your own family traditions.

mz

ps i can''t even believe you''d go to an event and then drive to starbucks to avoid this situation! i''m with purr: grow a pair. if purr comes i''ll be there too.....and it would definitely be a night to remember!

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 11/10/2009 6:21:00 PM
Author: icekid

Date: 11/10/2009 6:13:18 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 11/10/2009 6:03:00 PM

Author: purrfectpear

Let''s just say that would be a Holiday the whole family would remember for a long, long, long time

OMG, perfect (or should I say purrfect!) idea...it''s the grinch in the flesh!

haha, love it... pp would have no problem putting your abusive family in their rightful place, MC. I think you should take her up on this one.

Maybe she''ll even throw a "pair" in as a stocking stuffer?

I have images of everyone looking burnt and electrocuted after the evening is over.

 

[E B]

Date: 11/10/2009 5:59:16 PM
Author: Kaleigh

Date: 11/10/2009 5:56:57 PM

Author: purrfectpear

Date: 11/10/2009 5:37:43 PM

Author: MC

I've decided that when it comes around the time to open the gifts, I'm going to leave and drive and get tea at Starbucks. Luckily we celebrate on Christmas Eve so the will be a location nearby which is open. There is about 20 starbucks within a 20 mile radius of every house of every relative.

Oh sure, you go be by yourself on Christmas Eve

Girl, you need to grow a pair. Your IL's make me want to smack them upside the head. How about you stay there and hubby looks them straight in the eye and says loudly 'I know you guys didn't forget to get MC a present again did you? Because I'd just be ashamed to have relatives that acted that way'

+1, well plus 100!!!

Another +1 from me. PP, your response made me laugh out loud. I'd love to be a fly on the wall just to see their expressions.

 

[packrat]

MC, my BFF had problems w/her IL''s, and her little boys noticed. They didn''t understand, exactly, but they did start asking questions. The older one was..6 maybe at the time..7 maybe. Heck I don''t know. Anyway-I think kids are sensitive to things that happen to their moms..they can sense "moods" and tension in a room-even if they''re playing, they can tell. Her little boys would say "Daddy, why does Mommy cry when we leave Grandmas?" or, "Doesn''t Grandma love Mommy?" Little kids have big ears. They finally stood up to the IL''s, and while it''s not perfect, it''s a lot better. When we had problems we just removed ourselves completely and said when you can act like an adult, great, until then, later tater.

These situations just suck, and I feel for you!!

 

[packrat]

Oh, and PP''s "grow a pair" is exactly what my hubby told my bff and her husband! It does work, you know. Don''t let them walk all over you. They''ll keep doing it as long as you allow it. Nobody on Earth is *that* important to put yourself thru that year after year. Think of if your kids were older and their IL''s were pulling that crap-you wouldn''t want them to be hurt like that and would want them to stand up for themselves, I''m sure!

 

[zoebartlett]

I''m sorry MC. What an awkward and uncomfortable situation to be in. I agree with everyone else, and I think your husband needs to speak up to his family and address it.

 

[purrfectpear]

I think you should buy a cheap Christmas stocking for each of the offenders and put a charcoal briquette in them.

Come on, I double dare ya

Then when they give you the evil eye, you can get all passive agressive and act innocent, like "gosh, can''t you guys take a joke?" LOL.

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 11/10/2009 9:46:39 PM
Author: purrfectpear
I think you should buy a cheap Christmas stocking for each of the offenders and put a charcoal briquette in them.

Come on, I double dare ya

Then when they give you the evil eye, you can get all passive agressive and act innocent, like ''gosh, can''t you guys take a joke?'' LOL.

Haha, LOVES IT!!! But add one of those fire starters too, and say ya''ll have burned me for years. I hope the flame is eternal...

 

[charbie]

MC- i feel awful for you. i know how freaking awkward it is. when my parents got divorced, there was a lot of family strife with my dad''s family and us (he wasn''t remarried- it was my aunts, uncles, grandparents). suddenly, my sisters and i weren''t given christmas or birthday gifts by any of the family members. we all stopped going to the "family" functions over the holidays, and then caught hell for not going- even though it was awkward.

but its not like it was easy to say, "well, we don''t go because we don''t get gifts." my dad was giving his nieces and nephews gifts, but his own family wasn''t doing the same.

it was especially lovely to hear about the nice gift my cousin''s girlfriend got from my grandparents. cold.

anyways- if you husband doesn''t want to bring it up with them, i agree with you to just remove yourself from the situation. no use making a bad situation worse. don''t fight crazy with crazy (even though i don''t think you''re crazy). you''ll feel a lot better.

like most people here, my first reaction would be to get pissed and such....but these people are obviously behave irrationally, and in the end its just going to bite you in the @$$.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I guess the question would be...would it really make a difference in how you feel about being there at all?

Sure, opening something would be nice...but, in my opinion, it''s more like putting a bandaid on a severed arm. The issue isn''t you not having a gift to open, thats the symptom of the bigger, deeper, more significant problem. The real problem is the exclusion you''re suffering at the hands of your family. I don''t think that having a gift from your husband if going to solve the real issue...it may be a temporary fix, but I am willing to wager that you''ll still feel "left out".

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 11/10/2009 10:04:00 PM
Author: Kaleigh

Date: 11/10/2009 9:46:39 PM
Author: purrfectpear
I think you should buy a cheap Christmas stocking for each of the offenders and put a charcoal briquette in them.

Come on, I double dare ya

Then when they give you the evil eye, you can get all passive agressive and act innocent, like ''gosh, can''t you guys take a joke?'' LOL.

Haha, LOVES IT!!! But add one of those fire starters too, and say ya''ll have burned me for years. I hope the flame is eternal...

The piece de resistance should be get a stocking for yourself with a diamond anything and say, "Oh! I guess my coal turned into a diamond!"

 

[LGK]

Without going into any detail, my DH & I have decided this year is the year we're going to totally say eff the holidays, the drama and all, and go somewhere warm for Christmas.

It was a long time coming and we're quite relieved to have made the decision to do it.

Ugh. The whole situation you're dealing with just makes me ill for you! I do think it's a good idea to try to create a new family tradition without your in-laws, kids or no kids. I would find it pretty intolerable to be pointedly humiliated like that. I understand, though, how you feel like your hands are tied because the kids want to see their grandparents, but... still. I'd be pretty tempted to stay away, husband, kids and all. You could maybe try doing something else this year and see how it goes. Yeah, it's Xmas, they're kids, but is it really worth taking an emotional beating for? Are they really going to be as upset as you think they will? Worth pondering, anyway. Especially with the kids being slighted by some relatives, not just you.

Regardless, good luck. I do empathize. Drama on the holidays is definitely traditional in some of our families!

 

[Kaleigh]

MC,
You have to do what is best for you and your family. Your kids seeing this isn''t good, and trust me kids see more than you think.

I really suggest doing your own thing, making your own tradition. Maybe once you aren''t there, they will come around, but wouldn''t hold your breath, they sound very toxic. I don''t do toxic period.

I hope you all can skip this shindig and celebrate on your own, making a new tradition. It could be great fun....You don''t have to go away, you can stay home and have a great time. It''s all what you make of it. I just think it''s about getting your Hubby on board with this. He should have stuck up for you ages ago, and not allowed this rude behavior to go on and on. I know he says, don''t be bothered by it. Wonder how he''d feel if it was your family doing that to him over and over..... Yanno? Men just don''t get these things.

 

[VRBeauty]

Date: 11/10/2009 6:22:17 PM
Author: movie zombie
<

while i was growing up, the extended family ignored my brother for holidays and birthdays. it was mean and it was deliberate....just like your IL's. my mother finally put her foot down and said if they didn't do for him, they couldn't do for me [i was the only girl and therefore had status]. you can't do that because your situation is in many ways worse. i can tell you though that my brother still has emotional scars from it and he is way old.

and why do i say your situation is worse in ways? because you and your husband allow yourselves to be treated in this manner. your children are learning that it is ok to be treated this way. that you and your hubby would allow yourselves to be treated in this way is one thing: you're adults. but that you'd allow his family to treat your children this way is, well, incomprehensible. ok, so not all the family doesn't buy for your kids but......its still incomprehensible.

the importance of family get togethers is to be together as family. if this is not happening it is way past time to develop your own family traditions.

mz

Well said, MZ.

MC I know you're in a difficult situation... it's normal to want to be around family during the holidays. Nonetheless, you're letting your kids be mistreated, and allowing them to watch you being mistreated. I understand wanting to give your children Christmas memories, but are these the memories you want them to have?

Can't you take the kids to visit their grandparents or more considerate relatives some other time, when the vultures aren't around?

If you really want your children to attend the "festivities," I'd suggest that you let the hubby and kids go while you stay home. Let your hubby give you some quality alone time as your gift!

 

[AdiS]

Date: 11/10/2009 6:28:43 PM
Author: EBree

Date: 11/10/2009 5:59:16 PM
Author: Kaleigh

Date: 11/10/2009 5:56:57 PM

Author: purrfectpear

Date: 11/10/2009 5:37:43 PM

Author: MC

I''ve decided that when it comes around the time to open the gifts, I''m going to leave and drive and get tea at Starbucks. Luckily we celebrate on Christmas Eve so the will be a location nearby which is open. There is about 20 starbucks within a 20 mile radius of every house of every relative.

Oh sure, you go be by yourself on Christmas Eve

Girl, you need to grow a pair. Your IL''s make me want to smack them upside the head. How about you stay there and hubby looks them straight in the eye and says loudly ''I know you guys didn''t forget to get MC a present again did you? Because I''d just be ashamed to have relatives that acted that way''

+1, well plus 100!!!

Another +1 from me. PP, your response made me laugh out loud. I''d love to be a fly on the wall just to see their expressions.

And yet another +1. People only treat you the way you let them. You know what E. Roosevelt said, no one can make you feel inferior without your permission.

 

[jewelerman]

sorry to hear this!ive been sitting here wondering what to say and honestly i dont think there is a real answer to this...any thing you do will create a negative response somewhere ...if you show up it will hurt you, and if you dont then the children or others will start asking questions that are un comfortable to answer honestly..situations like excluding people are cruel and mean and so there is no good answer....if it were me i wouldnt put myself in the situation again and make other plans...if asked why then honesty is the only option and hopfully things will change for the better.When you go and are quiet its says you condone the treatment,when you communicate either verbally or non-verbally that its not acceptable then change can take place for the better and there can be healing,or they wont change and you know to create better traditions for yourself and people who appreciate you!

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 11/11/2009 11:40:35 AM
Author: jewelerman
sorry to hear this!ive been sitting here wondering what to say and honestly i dont think there is a real answer to this...any thing you do will create a negative response somewhere ...if you show up it will hurt you, and if you dont then the children or others will start asking questions that are un comfortable to answer honestly..situations like excluding people are cruel and mean and so there is no good answer....if it were me i wouldnt put myself in the situation again and make other plans...if asked why then honesty is the only option and hopfully things will change for the better.When you go and are quiet its says you condone the treatment,when you communicate either verbally or non-verbally that its not acceptable then change can take place for the better and there can be healing,or they wont change and you know to create better traditions for yourself and people who appreciate you!

Yep, we can make a million joke ideas about what to do. I love candles. Should I give everyone a half burnt tea light? If we don''t show up, they''re going to think even worse of me. If it were MY family it would be entirely different. I''m very much the type to avoid toxic relationships, but this isn''t my family and the most I can do is try and avoid interaction and be careful what of what I say. With most of my family, I''ve cut off relations because they won''t drop certain topics I would rather not talk about. . .

Now that I think back, seems like their shunning of me became worse after my second son was old enough to be in day care, yet it became apparent I wouldn''t be returning to work (he''s 7 now). A LOT of my friends are SAHMs and many also work, so in my circle it''s no big deal that each of us has picked what works best for our family.

 

[neatfreak]

MC-You shouldn''t have to deal with this. Your DH seriously needs to grow a pair and tell his family to stop being so childish or else your entire family will not be attending any holidays anymore. Period.